BARBARA: Vicki, are you going to come with us?

VICKI: Oh I, I'd like to. Yes, if you'll have me.

VICKI: You know, Doctor, I'm getting quite fond of Zombo.

DOCTOR: What?

VICKI: Zombo, it's his name. I gave it to him.

DOCTOR: Oh, yes, I see, I see.

VICKI: He's quite cute, isn't he, when he's like this.

DOCTOR: Well, I haven't noticed it before, my dear, but since you mention it, no I don't think so.

“Come along, put me through, will you? Come along, drop this hairdryer, or whatever it is.”

(Ian gets the gun)

IAN: All right. Hey, I wonder if it works, hey? (makes rat-a-tat noises)

DOCTOR: Chesterton, this is no time to be playing cowboys and indians.

DOCTOR: (inside the Dalek.) I fooled them all! I am the master!

[Museum]

(The Doctor comes out of the Dalek room still chuckling, and is promptly captured by two Morok guards)

(On the Visualiser, Ian and Barbara burst into laughter)

VICKI: Doctor, they made it! They made it!

DOCTOR: I shall miss them. Yes, I shall miss them, silly old fusspots. Come along, my dear, it's time we were off.

IAN: Oh, Doctor? Your coat, please.

DOCTOR: My dear boy, we're trying to beat the Daleks, not start a jumble sale.

“I have the directional instincts of a homing pigeon. Now, come along. Follow me.”

VICKI: I shall miss them, Doctor.

DOCTOR: Who?

VICKI: Ian and Barbara.

DOCTOR: Yes, I shall miss them too. First Susan and now them.

DOCTOR: Now listen to me, young man. Sit down. Now, there are two things you can do. One, sit there until you get your breath back, and two, don't call me Doc! Now do I make myself clear?

STEVEN: Yes, yes, whatever you say, Doc-tor!

DOCTOR: What do you think of that now, eh? A Viking helmet.

STEVEN: Oh, maybe.

DOCTOR: What do you mean, maybe? What do you think it is, a space helmet for a cow?

(His TARDIS is now the size of the altar. It's no longer bigger inside than outside.)

MONK: Ah! Ah! What's he done? He's taken my dimensional control! He's ruined my time machine! I'm, I'm marooned. Marooned! In 1066. Oh, Doctor. Doctor! Doctor!

(Down on the beach, the TARDIS dematerialises. )

(Light years away, on the planet Kembel Jeff Garvey is lying on the jungle floor, barely conscious. Garvey wakes up with a start, sitting up and peering about himself in confusion.)

GARVEY: I remember now. I must, I must kill. I must kill. I must kill.

“Importance lies in the character and to what use you put this intelligence. We respect you as we respect all life.”

KATARINA: Diomede, Cressida has sent me.

STEVEN: Who are you?

KATARINA: I've come to take you to your temple. Oh, come, quickly.

STEVEN: I can't.

KATARINA: Lean on me.

(Katarina helps the weakened Steven back towards the TARDIS.)

DOCTOR: Even after all this time he cannot understand. I dare not change the course of history. Well, at least I taught him to take some precautions. He did remember to look at the scanner before he opened the doors. Now they're all gone. All gone. None of them could understand. Not even my little Susan, or Vicki. And as for Barbara and Chatterton. Chesterton. They were all too impatient to get back to their own time. And now, Steven. Perhaps I should go home, back to my own planet. But I can't. I can't.

“That the nature of man, even in this day and age, hasn't altered at all. You still fear the unknown, like everyone else before you.”

DODO: The statue. They've finished the statue.

(But the head of the statue isn't human, it's Monoid.)

BALLAD: So fill up your glasses,

And join in the song.

The law's right behind you,

And it won't take long.

So come, you coyotes

And howl at the moon,

Till there's blood upon the sawdust,

In The Last Chance Saloon.

DOCTOR: Well, I must say, young man, I'm very proud of you.

STEVEN: Doctor, I don't know if I-

DOCTOR: I know, I know, my boy. Well, go on, you mustn't keep them waiting.

STEVEN: Goodbye, Doctor.

DOCTOR: Goodbye, Steven, and good luck.

(Steven leaves.)

(Dodo hugs Steven.)

DODO: Oh, Steven.

STEVEN: I shall miss you both, Dodo.

DODO: I shall miss you.

BEN: Well, it better be 1966 or I'm in dead trouble, Doctor. Well, anyway, wherever it is, it can't be as bad as going back to them days.

DOCTOR: My dear boy, it could be a great deal worse.

(Daleks chant in unison)

DALEKS: We will get our power. We will get our power. We will get our power.

(Daleks chant in unison)

ALL DALEKS: Daleks conquer and destroy! Daleks conquer and destroy! Daleks conquer and destroy! Daleks conquer and destroy! Daleks conquer and destroy! Daleks conquer and destroy!

DOCTOR: A gentleman at last. Doctor von Wer, at your service.

SERGEANT: Doctor who?

DOCTOR: (sotto) That's what I said.

DOCTOR: Your eyes, man. You suffer from headaches?

PERKINS: No, I don't.

(The Doctor bangs Perkins' head on the desk.)

DOCTOR: No headaches?

PERKINS: Well, er. Ow!

(Another thump.)

DOCTOR: Oh dear. You call me a liar?

PERKINS: Well, no, no, no, no. Me head does ache.

DOCTOR: You say you searched all the base?

HOBSON: Yes. What of it?

DOCTOR: Every nook and cranny?

HOBSON: Yes.

DOCTOR: No chance of anyone hiding anywhere?

HOBSON: None whatever.

DOCTOR: Did your men search in here?

“This is an emergency. Control must be believed and obeyed! No one on the Colony believes in Macra! There is no such thing as Macra! Macra do not exist! There are no Macra!”

BEN: There are no such things as Macra.

POLLY: But you saw them!

BEN: There were no such creatures! There are no such things as Macra!

(The TARDIS materialises in the middle of a runway. Jamie and the Doctor come out.)

JAMIE: It's a flying beastie!

(Blade switches on a monitor which tracks down the full passenger section.)

BLADE: You wanted to know what was the secret of Chameleon Tours. Well, Inspector, see for yourself.

(Blade turns dials, there's a loud whining sound, then suddenly all the passenger seats are empty.)

VICTORIA: I don't know. I can't believe it. It's so big. Where are we?

DOCTOR: Oh, it's the TARDIS. It's my home. At least, it has been for a considerable number of years.

“Victoria, I think this is one of those instances where discretion is the better part of valour. Jamie has an idea. Come along.”

“What are your qualifications for existence?”

“It is too important. I must be sure. Oh dear. What pretty crockery this is. Sad really, isn't it? People spend all their time making nice things, and other people come along and break them.”

“ (mexican) Why, hello, Bruce. What are you doing here, huh?”

COLONEL: So you don't believe him?

KNIGHT: No, of course not, sir. The whole idea is screwy. A police box?

COLONEL: Well whether you think it foolish or not, we are going to rescue that craft.

EVANS: Here, you don't think I had anything to do with these Yeti, do you?

ANNE: Doctor. The other models. They've gone!

EVANS: Well, don't look at me. I didn't want to come down here in the first place. I shouldn't be down here at all, really. Driver, I am, see. Well you'd better have this before you say I've nicked it.

“Volunteer? That's a dirty word, that is. Not me.”

EVANS: Er, hello. If you're looking for your friend, he went that way.

(The first Yeti returns.)

EVANS: Look, you don't want me. I'm not one of them, see? Driver, that's what I am. I shouldn't be down here at all, really. Hey, steady on. Oh, going for a walk, are we? There's lovely.

(The Yeti carry Evans away.)

(They can see Victoria on the scanner.)

JAMIE: We can't just leave her.

DOCTOR: We are not leaving her, Jamie. It was her decision to stay. She'll be quite all right with the Harrises. Now don't worry so much, Jamie.

JAMIE: I'm not, I'm just. Och, come on, let's go.

DOCTOR: Well, where would you like to go?

JAMIE: I couldn't care less.

DOCTOR: I was fond of her too, you know, Jamie.

CORWYN: Thank you. And your friend?

JAMIE: Er, the Doctor

.

CORWYN: I can't put that down.

JAMIE: Er. John Smith.

CORWYN: Really?

JAMIE: Aye.

(Corwyn sees that her medical equipment was manufactured by John Smith and Associates.)

(The sides of the TARDIS come apart, leaving Jamie and Zoe lying on the console, hanging on grimly as it slowly spins in the blackness.)

ZOE: Jamie, the Doctor!

(Zoe screams, a lot. The Doctor is spinning, eyes closed, as the console disappears into a sudden mist.)

“Packer!”

BRIGADIER: How nice to see you again, Doctor.

DOCTOR: It's Colonel Lethbridge-Stewart!

BRIGADIER: Ah, Brigadier now. I've gone on up in the world.

JAMIE: Oh course, the Yetis.

BRIGADIER: Yes, well, since the Yeti do, I've been in charge of an independent intelligence group that we call UNIT. That's United Nations Intelligence Taskforce.

JAMIE: You mean you're like a world secret police.

BRIGADIER: Not quite. We don't actually arrest people, just investigate them.

(A metallic clang echoes loudly.)

DOCTOR: Great jumping gobstoppers! What's that?

“You know, I find T-Mat travel rather disappointing. There's no sensation at all.”

HERMACK [OC]: This is V forty one. V forty one calling LIZ seventy nine. LIZ seven nine, can you hear me?

MILO: LIZ seventy nine. LIZ seventy nine. I can hear you, V forty one. Go away!

DOCTOR: Goodbye, Jamie.

JAMIE: I won't forget you, you know.

DOCTOR: I won't forget you. Don't go blundering into too much trouble, will you?

JAMIE: Oh, you're a fine one to talk.

“Men. Creatures! Made in the factory!”

(At the sound of a car outside, the Silurian pushes the Doctor aside and bursts through the back door into the night.)

DOCTOR: No, wait! Wait! Wait! Unless you Silurians tell us what you want, the humans will destroy you!

“This planet is ours. It always has been.”

VAN LYDEN [OC]: Hello, Space Control. This is Recovery 7. Will you clear us for re-entry?

DOCTOR: Let me try. Hello, Van Lyden? What is the capital of Australia?

VAN LYDEN [OC]: We are not cleared for re-entry.

DOCTOR: How many beans make five?

VAN LYDEN [OC]: Hello, Space control. This is Recovery 7. Will you clear us for re-entry?

DOCTOR: Van Lyden!

VAN LYDEN [OC]: We are not cleared for re-entry.

DOCTOR: Right, cut it open!

DOCTOR: Ambassadors?

ALIEN: An agreement was made. You have betrayed us. Unless our ambassadors are returned, we shall destroy your world.

CARRINGTON: I had to do what I did. It was my moral duty. You do understand, don't you?

DOCTOR: Yes, General. I understand.

(Liz dematerialises.)

DOCTOR: Liz! Good grief!

“If you break through the Earth's crust now, you'll release forces you never dreamed could exist!”

JO: I'm your new assistant.

DOCTOR: Oh, no.

JO: The Brigadier sent me along to introduce myself, Doctor. Josephine Grant.

DOCTOR: How do you do, Miss Grant? I really don't think you're suitable.

(The telephone rings.)

BENTON: Sergeant, Acting Governor Benton here.

BRIGADIER: This is Brigadier Lethbridge Stewart of UNIT. This prison is now in military hands.

(A sniper shoots the megaphone out of his hand, so the Brigadier kills the man with a fast draw of his revolver.)

AXOS: Axos calling Earth. Request immediate assistance. Axos calling Earth.

DOCTOR: Right, Gentlemen. Shall we go in?

DOCTOR: No, I will not join you in your absurd dreams of a galactic conquest.

MASTER: Why? Why? Look at this. Look at all those planetary systems, Doctor. We could rule them all!

DOCTOR: What for? What is the point?

MASTER: The point is that one must rule or serve. That's a basic law of life. Why do you hesitate, Doctor? Surely it's not loyalty to the Time Lords, who exiled you on one insignificant planet?

DOCTOR: You'll never understand, will you? I want to see the universe, not rule it.

MASTER: Then I'm very sorry, Doctor.

(The Master aims his laser gun at the Doctor, and the Guardian's panel rises.)

MASTER: Doctor, why don't you come in with me? We're both Time Lords, we're both renegades. We could be masters of the galaxy! Think of it, Doctor, absolute power! Power for good. Why, you could reign benevolently, you could end wars, suffering, disease. We could save the universe.

DOCTOR: No, absolute power is evil.

MASTER: Consider carefully, Doctor. I'm offering you a half-share in the universe.

(Rugby Match finishes)

YATES: Thirteen nil.

BENTON: They're lucky it wasn't a hundred and thirteen nil. What a useless lot.

(Benton hands Yates his winnings.)

(The telephone has woken the Brigadier, who is still in bed.)

BRIGADIER: The Doctor's gone? Gone where? Well, you should know, Corporal. I want to talk to him. What? Oh, all right then, wake up Miss Grant. I see. And I suppose she didn't leave a number either? I suppose it wouldn't do any good to ask for Captain Yates or Sergeant Benton? My helicopter? Where to? Devil's End. Yes, yes, I see. Get my car here right away. Yes, and if they do contact you, tell them to stay put.

DOCTOR: No, man, no. You're trying to channel the entire output of the National Power Complex through one transistor. Reverse it.

OSGOOD: Reverse what?

DOCTOR: Reverse the polarity.

(Yates has a drink of the wine.)

JO: That wasn't very kind of you.

YATES: RHIP, Jo.

JO: Pardon?

YATES: Rank Has Its Privileges. Thank you.

JO: I'm sorry if I might have misjudged you, but the Doctor did say you were a race of warriors.

IZLYR: We were once, but now we reject violence except in self-defence.

DOCTOR: It's all right, Investigator. He's quite mad.

MARSHAL: Oh no, Doctor. I told you. Madmen lose. I've won. Solos is mine.

(Stubbs gets shot.)

COTTON: Stubbsy!

STUBBS: Did you get through?

COTTON: Yes.

STUBBS: Good lad, Cotton. Good

COTTON: Come on, Stubbsy. Stubbsy, man?

(Stubbs passes away from his gunshot wound in Cotton’s arms.)

JAEGER: Earth is fighting for its survival. The side-effects are of no importance!

DOCTOR: Genocide is a side-effect? You ought to write a paper on that, Professor.

BRIGADIER: I'm delighted to hear it. Make yourself at home. We're only supposed to be a top secret security establishment. Liberty Hall, Doctor Tyler. Liberty Hall.

(The Brigadier leaves.)

DOCTOR: Well, Sergeant, aren't you going to say it that it's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. Everybody else does.

BENTON: It's pretty obvious, isn't it? Anyway, nothing to do with you surprises me anymore, Doctor.

DOCTOR: Oh, thank you for the compliment.

FIRST DOCTOR: Ah, there you are. I seem to be stuck up here. Hmm? Hmm? Oh, so you're my replacements. Huh. A dandy and a clown. Have you done anything?

SECOND DOCTOR: Well, we've, er, assessed the situation.

FIRST DOCTOR: Just as I thought. Nothing.

THIRD DOCTOR: Well it's not easy, you know.

(The Doctor gives Jo the Metabelis crystal.)

JO: It's beautiful. Thank you, Doctor.

JONES: Hey, Jo, come and drink a toast to the happy couple.

JO: But that's us.

JONES: Aye, so it is. Don't worry, Doctor. I'll look after her.

(Irongron fires the flintlock and takes a chunk of wood out of the cabinet.)

BLOODAXE: Oh! Claps the ears!

IRONGRON: I'll soon master the aim.

IRONGRON: Oh, I should have slain the filthy little toad there and then. I should have carved him up into collops on the spot.

BLOODAXE: Aye, master, it puzzles me as to why you did not

IRONGRON: Aye, well, 'tis a matter of high policy, d'you see? Above your understanding. As yet, we still need Linx's aid. Weapons he has promised me, and by the stars, weapons I shall have. Wonderful, magical weapons, that will crumble the castles of those that oppose me into dust. And then, and only then, shall Linx die by my hand.

BLOODAXE: Oh, 'tis a cunning plan, Captain.

IRONGRON: Aye, 'tis as well for you dolts that you have me to guide you. Ah, there's more to war than hard strokes, my good Bloodaxe.

BLOODAXE: Aye, master, yours is indeed a towering intelligence.

BRIGADIER: Look, Doctor, we've had a raid. Is everyone present on this landing?

DOCTOR: No. Professor Rubeish is missing.

BRIGADIER: Oh, my giddy aunt. The Minister will go spare. Did you see anything, Doctor?

“Well, I thought all this might give me a good story. I'm a journalist. Sarah Jane Smith.”

SARAH: It's weird seeing London like this. All those deserted streets.

YATES: I rather like it.

YATES: Have you noticed the air?

SARAH: Hmm?

YATES: It's clean. No cars, no people. Do you know yesterday I saw a fox in Piccadilly?

SARAH: And nightingales in Berkeley Square?

YATES: It's not impossible.

SARAH: No. No, I like London the way it was, traffic jams and all.

YATES: Yes, I expect you're right.

(The Doctor is twirling a large, colourful beach umbrella, and singing.)

DOCTOR: Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside, I do like to be beside the sea.

(The Doctor and Bellal walk along to an apparent dead end, then a panel slides up beside them revealing a new corridor with a patterned floor half way along it. They enter and the panel closes again as they make their way to the patterned area.)

DOCTOR: Stop. Don't move!

SARAH: Well, it's going to be rather difficult to explain but I think he was referring to Women's Lib.

THALIRA: And what's that?

SARAH: Women's liberation, your Majesty. On Earth it means well, very briefly, it means that we women don't let men push us around.

THALIRA: It's not like that on Peladon. The ruler is always a man. I was only crowned because my father had no son. It's Ortron who holds the real power.

SARAH: Well, only if you let him. You've just got to stand up for yourself.

THALIRA: It would be different if I was a man. But I'm only a girl.

SARAH: Now just a minute. There's nothing only about being a girl, your Majesty. Never mind why they made you a Queen, the fact is you are the Queen, so just you jolly well let them know it.

ALPHA: Doctor?

DOCTOR: Alpha Centauri.

ALPHA: It is! It's the Doctor!

DOCTOR: Alpha Centauri, my dear fellow, what a very well-timed entrance.

ALPHA: It's like a miracle, Doctor. All these years and you haven't changed a bit.

DOCTOR: Neither have you, my dear fellow. A touch of grey around the tentacles perhaps, but still the same old Alpha.

SARAH: Please, don't die.

DOCTOR: A tear, Sarah Jane? No, don't cry. While there's life there's…

(The Doctor stops in preparation of his imminent regeneration)

“I tell you, Brigadier, there's nothing to worry about. The brontosaurus is large and placid.”

DOCTOR: You may be a doctor, but I'm the Doctor. The definite article, you might say.

HARRY: Look here, Doctor. You're not fit

DOCTOR: Not fit? Not fit? Of course I'm fit. All systems go!

(The Doctor karate chops a handy brick in half then does some vigorous running on the spot.)

HARRY: I say.

(The Doctor starts skipping with the rope, forcing Harry to join in.)

DOCTOR: Mother, mother, I feel sick. Send for the doctor quick, quick, quick. Mother, dear, shall I die? Yes, my darling, by and by.

“It may be irrational of me, but human beings are quite my favourite species.”

(Harry looks at the TARDIS)

HARRY: You could sell that thing, Doctor.

DOCTOR: I could what?

HARRY: Jolly useful in Trafalgar Square. I mean, hundreds of bobbies hiding inside it.

(Harry comes out of the TARDIS.)

HARRY: Oh, I say. We've gone!

“Linx.”

“You unspeakable abomination!”

DOCTOR: Harry, were you trying to undo this?

HARRY: Well, naturally.

DOCTOR: Did you make the rocks fall, Harry?

HARRY: Er, well, I suppose I must have done, yes.

(The Doctor laughs.)

DOCTOR: Harry Sullivan is an imbecile!

DOCTOR: Yes, that's the TARDIS. And I'm going to pilot it all the way to London. I can be there five minutes ago.

SARAH: Just a minute, Doctor. I thought you couldn't do that.

DOCTOR: Of course I can. Coming?

BRIGADIER: No, thank you.

HARRY: I think I'll stick to InterCity this time, Doctor.

DOCTOR: Sarah?

SARAH: Er.

DOCTOR: No?

SARAH: All right. Providing we do go straight back to London.

DOCTOR: Oh yes, we will. I promise.

“There it is, Zeta Minor. The last planet of the known universe.”

“Kneel before the might of Sutekh”

FARADAY: Doctor! What the devil's going on?

DOCTOR: An invasion of Earth is going on, Colonel.

MORBIUS: I am a Time Lord of the first rank. What are you?

DOCTOR: Oh, nothing, nothing. A mere nobody, but I don't think you're in the first rank any more.

SARAH: Just how big is the TARDIS?

DOCTOR: Well, how big's big? Relative dimensions, you see. No constant.

SARAH: That's not an answer.

DOCTOR: How big are you at the moment?

SARAH: Five four, just, and that's still not an answer.

DOCTOR: Listen, listen. There are no measurements in infinity. You humans have got such limited little minds. I don't know why I like you so much.

SARAH: Because you have such good taste.

DOCTOR: That's true, that's very true.

SARAH: Don't forget me.

DOCTOR: Oh, Sarah. Don't you forget me.

SARAH: Bye, Doctor. You know, travel does broaden the mind.

DOCTOR: Yes. Till we meet again, Sarah.

(Sarah leaves.)

HILDRED: There are no Type Forties in service. They're out of commission, obsolete.

DOCTOR: Obsolete? Twaddle. Take no notice, my dear old thing.

(D84 reaches the communicator.)

D84: Goodbye, my friend.

(D84 turns it on, and his head explodes)

CASEY: Chains clanking, nine foot tall.

JAGO: You've been drinking.

CASEY: Not a drop, sir.

JAGO: Well, it's time you started.

(Jago holds out his hip flask. Casey takes a long pull.)

LEELA: These taxes, they are like sacrifices to tribal gods?

DOCTOR: Well, roughly speaking, but paying tax is more painful.

STOTZ: All right, snoop. Hands in the air and over here.

DOCTOR: Why?

STOTZ: Because I'll kill you if you don't.

DOCTOR: Not a very persuasive argument actually, Stotz, because I'm going to die soon anyway. Unless, of course

STOTZ: I'll give you to a count of three.

DOCTOR: Unless, of course, I can find the antidote. I owe it to my friend to try because I got her into this. So you see, I'm not going to let you stop me now!

STOTZ: Three!

(As the planet surface fills the screen, the Doctor shuts his eyes.)

DOCTOR: Oh, but this has been a timely change. Change. What change? There is no change. No rhyme, no time.

(The Doctor starts to cringe amongst a rack of clothes.)

DOCTOR: No place for space. Nothing. Nothing but the grinding engines of the universe, the crushing boredom of eternity.

“Whatever else happens, I am the Doctor, whether you like it or not.”

“Watch it, Mestor!”

“You gave me hope, and then you took it away. That's enough to make anyone dangerous. God knows what it will do to me. Basically, run!”