DALEK 1: Orders received. Exterminate all humans.

DALEK 2: Exterminate all humans.

DALEK 1: Exterminate! Annihilate! Destroy! Daleks conquer and destroy!

ALL: Daleks conquer and destroy! Daleks conquer and destroy!

JO: I don't believe it! It's bigger inside than out.

DOCTOR: Yes. That's because the TARDIS is dimensionally transcendental.

JO: What does that mean?

DOCTOR: It means that it's bigger inside than out.

DOCTOR: (drawing a diagram) ...And it comes out here. Right?

OSGOOD: Right. I think.

DOCTOR: Good grief, man, it's as simple as Einstein's special theory of relativity!

BRIGADIER: We'll manage, Doctor.

DOCTOR: Good. When you get that thing finished, bring it through the barrier and down to the village at once, all right? (He drives off.)

BRIGADIER: You know, Sergeant, I sometimes wish I worked in a bank.

“ (pouring tea) You must learn the art of waiting, Sergeant. The Doctor will come, or else he won't, and that's all that can be said. Now, milk or lemon?”

SECOND DOCTOR: If only I could find my recorder, I could play you a little something to pass the time.

BRIGADIER: We must be thankful for small mercies.

JO: We’re still on Earth, aren’t we?

DOCTOR: No, that’s impossible.

JO: Don’t you ever admit that you’re wrong?

DOCTOR: No, that’s impossible too.

MASTER: That must be them. No other ship would be on a course for Earth at a time like this.

OGRON: We are on a course for Earth!

MASTER: Well, naturally, because we're chasing them!

MASTER: I'd like to try and take the Doctor alive, if possible. If not, I'll blast him out of space! Pity, though.

OGRON: You do not wish to kill him?

MASTER: Of course I do! But I don't know... Rocket fire at long range, I don't know, somehow it lacks that personal touch.

DOCTOR: When I left the psionic beam with you, Brigadier, I said it was only to be used in an emergency!

BRIGADIER: This is an emergency.

DOCTOR: Oil, an emergency?! Ha! It's about time the people who run this planet of yours realise that to be dependent upon a mineral slime just doesn't make sense.

DOCTOR: Don't ask me to explain the organic structure of these creatures.

SARAH: Why not?!

DOCTOR: Because I haven't a clue.

SARAH: So what was going on back there in the temple?

DOCTOR: Sub-thermal recombination of ionised plasma.

SARAH: Oh, simple. I should have thought of that.

“One day he'll get so cunning even he won't know what he's planned.”

DOCTOR: I had a feeling that Neeva was actually expecting to hear an answer to his prayer.

LEELA: There wouldn't be much point in praying if he didn't.

DOCTOR: I could quote you a few theologians who'd give you an argument on that.

LEELA: You mean you can't control this machine?

DOCTOR: Well, of course I can control it! Nine times out of ten. Well, seven times out of ten. Five times— look, never mind, let's see where we are.

UVANOV: I suppose it's also a coincidence that as soon as you two arrive, three of our people are killed? (pause) Well?

DOCTOR: Oh, sorry, I thought it was a rhetorical... well, yes, it's just a coincidence.

“I admit I had a great struggle with me conscience. Fortunately, I won!”

UNSTOFFE: Money isn't everything, Garron.

GARRON: Well, who wants everything? I'll settle for 90 per cent!

DOCTOR: Romana?

ROMANA: Yes?

DOCTOR: You know, I think something very funny's going on. Do you remember that man who was following us? Well, he's standing behind me, poking a gun in my back.

DOCTOR: Clever jink that, don't you think? I made them think I was trying to get to the TARDIS.

PARSONS: What were you trying to do?

DOCTOR: Get to the TARDIS.

DOCTOR: Open! Open!

PERI: Sesame.

DOCTOR: Be careful.

PERI: I think I'd find it very difficult to be casual at this particular moment.

GRANT: No gun. You must be feeling confident.

DOCTOR: Never carry one; causes my pockets to bulge. Ruins the cut of my coat.

RANI: That planet you're so obsessed with – Earth – I shall return to the Cretaceous Age.

MEL: The Cretaceous Age?

RANI: The potential of the dinosaurs was never fully realised.

“That means Shakespeare, Michelangelo, Louis Pasteur, Elvis – even Mrs Malaprop will never have existed!”

DOCTOR: At least tell us who you are.

BIN LINER: We're the Kangs.

FIRE ESCAPE: Red Kangs. Red Kangs are best. (to Kangs) Who's best?

RED KANGS: (chanting) Red Kangs! Red Kangs! Red Kangs are best!

BIN LINER: (threatens the Doctor with a crossbow) So, who's best?

DOCTOR: The Red Kangs, I gather.

(shortly after)

BIN LINER: (to Mel) Are you a Blue Kang?

MEL: No! No, I'm not a Kang. I'm Mel. I don't know what the Kangs are.

FIRE ESCAPE: We're the Kangs! Red Kangs.

DOCTOR: (chuckling nervously) Who are, of course, the best.

“This is the real McCoy, this is!”

WARMSLY: The military use the area as a firing range. Never understood why.

DOCTOR: Blowing the occasional chunk out of the earth keeps them amused.

FENRIC: Let the Ancient One approach. (pause) Where is the Ancient One?

JEAN: He waits.

FENRIC: He waits? He waits? What for? Has he no sense of occasion?

DOCTOR: As the stun gun blocked the energy flow, so we have to reverse the effect.

BRIGADIER: Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow, eh, Doctor?

DOCTOR: You may mock, Lethbridge-Stewart. I know as well as you, that expression would sound like nonsense to a classical subatomic physicist.

BRIGADIER: What?

DOCTOR: Well, now I'm reversing the pseudo-polarity of the metaphorical synapses in Onya's putative energy channels. And that's just as nonsensical and just as effective.

WATSON: It's no good. I haven't the foggiest what's going on.

BENNY: Just nod and look serious. You'll get the hang of it.

“I myself am in search of universal peace, an end to strife and unlimited custard for all, but I have a feeling I’m looking in the wrong place.”

“It wasn’t a language as such, more a polyglot collection of words which I've heard before on half a hundred worlds across the universe, although with translations as varied as 'window', 'reddish-green' and 'happily unicycling in an easterly direction'.”

DOCTOR: I’ve got a book that might help, back in the TARDIS. Every Gallifreyan Child’s Pop-Up Book of Nasty Creatures From Other Dimensions. You’ll like it.

BENNY: Don’t you think I’m a bit old for a pop-up book?

DOCTOR: Not compared to a Gallifreyan child. And besides, the pop-ups are four-dimensional.

“‘The sky appears to be reflective,’ Holmes replied, more hesitantly than usual. ‘Perhaps, like Dante’s inner circle of hell, we have ice above us. If you look closely, you will see a reflected glow from something over the horizon. The nearest Earthly equivalent would be the lights of a town or city.’ He coughed. ‘I am merely speculating, of course. It could be an incandescent chicken the size of the North Riding for all I know.’”

ACE: The town itself was occupied by the rakshassi.

WATSON: Occupied? You mean, they were living there?

ACE: Yeah. Worshipping at the temple, too.

WATSON: Worshipping what?

ACE: I don’t know, but it wasn’t Sonic the Hedgehog.

“I don’t know how his other companions managed to stand him for so long. Or maybe they didn’t. Maybe they’re all in therapy now.”

JEREMY: Give me the stun gun thingy, then, and I'll do it.

BRIGADIER: You?

JEREMY: I'll have you know, sir, that I'm a jolly good shot.

BRIGADIER: Ah. Been shooting with your Uncle Teddy, I suppose.

JEREMY: No, I was talking about fairground stuff. Last time I went, I won a plaster Venus de Whatnot, a silver jug - though I'd like to bet it wasn't real silver - and a pink teddy bear.

BRIGADIER: Yes... (long pause) Anyone else handy with a gun?

MARIO: Oh! Sì!

BRIGADIER: Ah, no, not you, Uncle.

DOCTOR: (pained) Something's happening. Something's happening. Something's happening.

GRACE: Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god!

(The Doctor pants and wheezes, then stops abruptly.)

DOCTOR: I know who I am!

GRACE: Oh! (laughs)

(The Doctor kisses Grace passionately as both laugh.)

DOCTOR: I... am... the Doctor!

GRACE: Good! (beat) Now do that again.

SERVANT: Who the hell are you?

DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor. And I just snogged Madame de Pompadour.

CYBERMAN: Our species are similar, though your design is inelegant.

DALEK 2: Daleks have no concept of elegance!

CYBERMAN: This is obvious.

CYBERLEADER: We have five million Cybermen. How many are you?

BLACK DALEK: Four.

CYBERLEADER [on viewscreen]: You would destroy the Cybermen with four Daleks?

BLACK DALEK: We would destroy the Cybermen with one Dalek. You are superior in only one respect.

CYBERLEADER: What is that?

BLACK DALEK: You are better at dying.

DALEK THAY: Identify yourselves.

CYBERMAN: You will identify first.

DALEK THAY: State your identity.

CYBERMAN: You will identify first.

DALEK THAY: Identify!

CYBERMAN: That answer is (inaudible) and illogical. You will modify.

DALEK THAY: Daleks do not take orders.

CYBERMAN: You have identified as Daleks.

DOCTOR: (shivers with delight) There's nowhere else like it. Well, nowhere in this galaxy, anyway. They're trying to build one out on the rim of the Crab Nebula, but the design concepts are all wrong. They're trying to build it for a purpose! (scoffs)

PERI: What's wrong with that?

DOCTOR: Well, everything. You can't build a place like this for a mere "purpose"! Oh, don't talk to me of fluid lines, provoked by the ergonomic imperatives—

PERI: All right, I won't.

DOCTOR: —or the strict adherence to the symbolic form, classical use of conceptual space. (scoffs)

PERI: I promise, I won't talk about anything like that.

DOCTOR: Designers' gobbledygook! Architects' flim-flam!

PERI: I quite agree. (beat) I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about!

DOCTOR: No, you'll never win that argument. Not here! This is perfection. This is genius! This is classic... frivolity!

DOCTOR: Where else can I go in the universe to have a bit of innocent fun, I ask you.

PERI: Well, there's always—

DOCTOR: Too dull.

PERI: —Atlantic City?

DOCTOR: Totally uninspired.

PERI: Disneyland?

DOCTOR: Oh, in a hundred years or so. Give it time to settle. Ah, this is the place for a holiday. I could never understand all those "sea and sand" places you were talking about. Taking a bath in sodium chloride, and then wallowing on a bed of mica crystals? Extraordinary way to behave. Add to that long-term exposure to ultraviolet and you go a long way towards explaining the basic irrationality of the human race.

PERI: You talk as though you wanted to come here.

DOCTOR: Well, I did! Well, once I was here.

DOCTOR: Who maintains your heart?

MISSY: My heart is maintained by the Doctor.

DOCTOR: Doctor who?

MISSY: Hello. I hope you're well. How may I assist you with your death?

DOCTOR: Well, there is, er, no immediate hurry. We're just, er. We're just...

CLARA: Browsing.

DOCTOR: Yeah, yeah, browsing.

MISSY: Please, take all the time you need. At 3W, you always have the rest of your life.

“I'm going to kill you in a minute. I'm not even kidding. You're going to be as dead as a fish on a slab any second now, all floppy and making smells. But don't tell the boys. This is our secret girl plan!”

MISSY: What's that in your pocket?

OSGOOD: There's nothing in my pocket—

(Osgood reaches into her lab coat pocket and pulls out a pair of handcuffs.)

MISSY: Oh, my giddy aunt!

“I suggest we pool resources, share information, spread panic, and sow the seeds of defeat in the fields of our enemies!”

HOLMES: You are a suspect.

DOCTOR: Yes, I usually am.

DOCTOR: I'm currently lodging in Hampstead, with Professor Litefoot. You may know of him?

WATSON: Not Professor George Litefoot? The eminent pathologist?

HOLMES: (sotto voce) As opposed to all the other Professor George Litefoots in London?

BENNY: Come on, let's take you home. I'll let you buy me dinner.

WATSON: (laughs) You're terribly forward!

BENNY: Letting you buy me dinner isn't forward. We'll get to the forward bit depending on how nice the dinner is.

NARRATOR: The newest guest had realised that all was not as it seemed at the Wild Pastures Rest Home. Something was wrong here. Something was very wrong indeed.

SYLVIA: It's the walls. I don't like the colour. They're not... restful. A rule of mine is if you wouldn't buy a bathroom suite that shade, then don't paint the walls with it. Also, avoid any paint named after a fruit. Avocado? Tomat— Tangerine! They call this a rest home, but these walls could cause murder. And don't even get me started on the food. This isn't lasagne- it's a cry for help! (sighs) You lot aren't much for conversation, are you? No. I mean, I expected a little better. Apparently, Wild Pastures has a very select kind of clientele, but look at you! I mean... nothing unkind, but you're... institutionalised. When I saw the brochure, it was all about ever-young yoga and epicurean extravaganzas and theatrical outings. But you're... sat on plastic sofas, watching TV till your sentence is up. Poor old dears.

CHRISTINA: Do you know when I last wore a duffel coat?

DOCTOR: No. When?

CHRISTINA: Look at me, Doctor. I have never worn a duffel coat.

CHRISTINA: (sarcastically) What a lovely spot.

DOCTOR: Told you you'd need the coat.

CHRISTINA: It's a duffel coat. I finally get to time travel, and I end up looking like... looking like... Why are you looking at me like that?

DOCTOR: I'm giving you one of my hard stares.

STRAX: So, to recap: the dead have returned to Creighton Castle, and we must kill them.

JENNY: Even you must admit that wouldn't be possible.

STRAX: I can kill anything!

JENNY: The dead.

STRAX: Anything.

CARNACKI: Impressive, is it not? See how the levers move as if it were a living thing? See how the bells register the presence of the dead amongst us?

JENNY: What is it?

CARNACKI: (sighs) One day I shall find out. I bought it at great expense from a mystic in Camden.

STRAX: I will now insert it into you so that its living levers can pummel your puny pancreas.

STRAX: You are being pursued by a child with a box. Shall I snap its neck?

VASTRA: That won't be necessary.

JENNY: Who is it? The Campbells didn't mention other visitors.

STRAX: It will have seen Madame Vastra and latched on. That is what children do. I have often had to beat away hordes of them as I walked down the street. When will the government eradicate these pests?!

VASTRA: Well – no more so than any of you. His name is Carnacki; he claims to be an expert in ghosts.

JENNY: Yeah, well, let him look elsewhere then. We found this one. (to herself:) Which is mad, but there you go.

CARNACKI: (panting) Hello. I don't suppose any of you might be able to assist you with my... (grunts with effort) Oh! Hello! What a big head you have! Oh, er, did I just say that out loud? Sorry. I'm having a rather stressful day. (chuckles nervously)

STRAX: I presume I am now allowed to kill the annoying child?

WORKER: Why would I want to leave? This is the good life!

DONNA: Is it? Well, I'm looking around and I don't see Felicity Kendal anywhere.

“I'm essentially a pacifist. Although that does sometimes involve blowing things up.”

DALEK SUPREME: Restrain the Doctor!

FOURTH DOCTOR: I've already been very restrained.

DALEK SUPREME: Do not damage him. The two Doctors' brains are required to steer the cathedral.

TENTH DOCTOR: ...is not a sentence I expected to hear today.

“As she came close, the Mungello extended its sixth arm, the one creatures usually held close to their chest. Short, strong fingers opened to reveal – to proffer – a tiny scarlet jewel. Countless other species had tried to bribe their way out of judgement. The Koturruh were not so pliable. But that wasn't what this was. The creature didn't understand what the Koturruh woman was, or what she was here to do. It had simply come down from the relative safety of the branches to welcome her... and to present a gift.”

DALEK: We are the superior beings! We can endure any privation that would drive a lesser race insane!

DOCTOR: Yes, you have the advantage of already being insane.

EIGHTH DOCTOR: Informative little trip down Memory Lane. Although...

EDWARDS: Something the matter, sir?

EIGHTH DOCTOR: There was a distinct lack of murders.

EIGHTH DOCTOR: Other than the Orrivians, who else have you murdered?

THE NETWORK: Shut up!

EIGHTH DOCTOR: Not quite the confession I was hoping for.

RUBY: Where's Maestro?

DOCTOR: Composing. And the next tune might be deadly.

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. (kisses the TARDIS console) Don't hate me.”

RUBY: So you're the rich kids?

LINDY: Uh, I should hope so.

RUBY: I thought you were like, office drones. But that's why you only work two hours a day. So the rest of the time...

LINDY: We party.

RUBY: (to the Doctor) It's like Love Island: The Planet.

“Brooding. Good look. D'you practise in a mirror? Bit more frown, maybe.”

ROGUE: I didn't know the Duchess employed a court jester.

DOCTOR: Well, I'm hilarious.

DUCHESS: People look to me as an arbiter of taste.

CHULDUR LEADER: What, in that dress?