Smith and Jones

[Street]

(A young black woman is walking down a busy London street, listening to a rap song on her phone radio.)

RADIO: What can happen on an average beautiful day? You never know. Celebrate seasonal changes. It's hot for brothers. On a beautiful sunshiny day.

(Her phone rings.)

MARTHA: You're up early. What's happening?

[Jones' home]

(It is her sister.)

TISH: It's a nightmare, because Dad won't listen, and I'm telling you, Mum is going mental. Swear to God, Martha, this is epic. You've got to get in there and stop him.

[Street]

MARTHA: How do I do that?

[Jones' home]

TISH: Tell him he can't bring her.

[Street]

(Beep beep.)

MARTHA: Hold on, that's Leo. I'll call you back.

[Leo's home]

(Her brother.)

LEO: Martha, If Mum and Dad start to kick off, tell them I don't even want a party. I didn't even ask for one. They can always give me the money instead.

[Street]

MARTHA: Yeah, but why do I have to tell them? Why can't you? (Beep beep.) Hold on, that's Mum. I'll call you back.

[Jones' home]

FRANCINE: I don't mind your father making a fool of himself in private, but this is Leo's 21st, everyone is going to be there, and the entire family is going to look ridiculous.

[Street]

MARTHA: Mum, it's a party. I can't stop Dad from bringing his girlfriend. (Beep beep.) Hold on, that's Dad, I'll call you back.

[Car]

(Clive is getting into his posh open-top car.)

CLIVE: Martha? Now, tell your mother, Leo is my son, and I'm paying for half that party. I'm entitled to bring who I like.

[Street]

MARTHA: I know, but think what it's going to look like for Mum, if you're standing there with Annalise.

[Car]

(A long-legged blonde, young white woman joins Clive in the car.)

CLIVE: What's wrong with Annalise?
ANNALISE: Is that Martha? Say hi. Hi, Martha, hi!

[Street]

MARTHA: Hi, Annalise.

[Car]

ANNALISE: Big kiss, lots of love, see you at the party, babe. Now, take me shopping, big boy.

[Chancellor Street]

(The Doctor walks up to Martha.)

DOCTOR: Like so.

(He takes off his tie.)

DOCTOR: See?

(And walks away again. Martha arrives at the Royal Hope Hospital, and a man in full motorcycle gear barges past her.)

MARTHA: Oi! Watch, it mate.

(The figure turns to stare at Martha, then walks on. Inside, at her locker, Martha puts on a white coat, then gets an electric shock from the door.)

[Hospital ward]

(The consultant and his students are gathered around a woman's bed. The consultant, Mister Stoker, is taking her pulse.)

FLORENCE: I was all right till this morning, and then, I don't know, I woke up and I felt all dizzy again. It was worse than when I came in.
STOKER: Pulse is slightly thready. Well, let's see what Britain's finest might suggest. Any ideas, Morgenstern?

(A nervous young man.)

MORGENSTERN: Dizziness can be a sign of early onset diabetes.
STOKER: Hardly early onset, if you'll forgive me, Miss Finnegan. Any more ideas? Swales?

(A young woman.)

SWALES: Er, could recommend a CT scan.
STOKER: And spend all our money? Jones?
MARTHA: We could take bloods and check for Meniere's disease.
STOKER: Or we could simply ask the patient. What did you have for dinner last night?
FLORENCE: I had salad.
STOKER: And the night before?
FLORENCE: Salad again.
STOKER: And salad every night for the past week, contrary to my instructions. Salt deficiency, that's all. Simple, honest salt.

[Hospital corridor]

STOKER: Hippocrates himself expounded on the virtues of salt. Recommended the inhalation of steam from sea water. Though no doubt if he'd been afflicted with my students, results might have been rather more colourful.

(Stoker leads his students from the Breast Screening Unit to the Orthopedic Dept, past the lifts. Two figures in full motorcycle leathers get out. In reality, they would never have been allowed in the hospital without taking off their helmets.)

[Orthopedic ward]

(Stoker pushes back the curtain around a bed.)

STOKER: Now then, Mister Smith, a very good morning to you. How are you today?
DOCTOR: Oh, not so bad. Still a bit, you know, blah.
STOKER: John Smith, admitted yesterday with severe abdominal pains. Jones, why don't you see what you can find? Amaze me.
MARTHA: That wasn't very clever, running around outside, was it?
DOCTOR: Sorry?
MARTHA: On Chancellor Street this morning? You came up to me and took your tie off.
DOCTOR: Really? What did I do that for?
MARTHA: I don't know, you just did.
DOCTOR: Not me. I was here, in bed. Ask the nurses.
MARTHA: Well, that's weird, cause it looked like you. Have you got a brother?
DOCTOR: No, not any more. Just me.
STOKER: As time passes and I grow ever more infirm and weary, Miss Jones.
MARTHA: Sorry. Right.

(Martha listens to the Doctor's chest, and hears the two heartbeats. The Doctor winks at her.)

STOKER: I weep for future generations. Are you having trouble locating the heart, Miss Jones?
MARTHA: Er, I don't know. Stomach cramps?
STOKER: That is a symptom, not a diagnosis. And you rather failed basic techniques by not consulting first with the patient's chart.

(Stoker gets an electric shock from the metal clip.)

MARTHA: That happened to me this morning.
MORGENSTERN: I had the same thing on the door handle.
SWALES: And me, on the lift.
STOKER: That's only to be expected. There's a thunderstorm moving in and lightning is a form of static electricity, as was first proven by. Anyone?
DOCTOR: Benjamin Franklin.
STOKER: Correct.
DOCTOR: My mate, Ben. That was a day and a half. I got rope burns off that kite, and then I got soaked..
STOKER: Quite.
DOCTOR: And then I got electrocuted.
STOKER: Moving on. I think perhaps a visit from psychiatric. And next we have

(Martha and the Doctor exchange grins as she moves away.)

[Doctor's rest room]

(While Swales makes coffee, Martha is on the phone.)

MARTHA: No, listen, I've worked out a plan. We tell Annelise that the buffet tonight is one hundred per cent carbohydrate, and she won't turn up.
TISH [OC]: I wish you'd take this seriously.

[Street]

TISH: That's our inheritance she's spending, on fake tan. Tell you what, I'm not that far away, I'll drop by for a sandwich and we can draw up a battle plan.

[Doctor's rest room]

MARTHA: In this weather? I'm not going out. It's pouring down.

[Street]

TISH: It's not raining here.

(Tish turns the corner and sees a big black cloud over the hospital.)

TISH: That's weird. It's raining right on top of you, I can see it, but it's dry where I am.

[Doctor's rest room]

MARTHA: Well, you just got lucky.

[Chancellor Street]

TISH: No, but it's like in cartoons. You know, when a man's got a cloud over his head.
MARTHA [OC]: Yeah, but listen

[Doctor's rest room]

MARTHA: I'll tell you what we'll do.

(She sees the Doctor walk past wearing a dressing gown.)

MARTHA: We tell Dad and Annalise to get there early, about seven thirty, and we tell Leo get there at the same time so we can do all that birthday stuff. We tell Mum to get there for about eight thirty, nine, and that gives me time to have a word with Annalise, and

(Swales touches Martha's arm.)

MARTHA: What?
SWALES: The rain.
MARTHA: It's only rain.

[Chancellor Street]

TISH: Martha, have you seen the rain?

[Doctor's rest room]

MARTHA: Why's everyone fussing about rain?
SWALES: It's going up.

[Chancellor Street]

TISH: The rain is going up.

[Doctor's rest room]

(There's a big thunder roll and lightning flash, and the building tilts from side to side a lot. Finally it stops.)

MARTHA: What the hell was that?
SWALES: Are you all right?
MARTHA: I think so, yeah. It felt like an earthquake, or
SWALES: Martha? It's night. Look. It was lunchtime.
MARTHA: It's not night.
SWALES: But it's got to be. It's dark.
MARTHA: We're on the moon.

(A half Earth hangs in the black sky over a cratered surface.)

SWALES: We can't be.
MARTHA: We're on the moon. We're on the bloody moon.

(Staff and patients stare out of the windows. The electricity still works as people switch lights on. Then the panic really sets in.)

[Chancellor Street]

POLICEMAN: Sorry, miss, no.
TISH: My god.

(On the Albert Embankment, opposite the Palace of Westminster and next to County Hall is a crater where the hospital used to be. Tish uses her phone.)

TISH: Martha? Martha, can you hear me? Martha!

(Tish walks away past the TARDIS parked in a small green space.)

[Hospital corridor]

(Hysteria is in control.)

FLORENCE: Have you seen?
MARTHA: I'm sorry, I can't.

[Orthopedic ward]

MARTHA: All right now, everyone back to bed, we've got an emergency but we'll sort it out. Don't worry.

(The Doctor draws the curtain around his bed as Martha and Swales go to the window.)

MARTHA: It's real. It's really real. Hold on.

(Martha reaches to open the window.)

SWALES: Don't! We'll lose all the air.
MARTHA: But they're not exactly air tight. If the air was going to get sucked out it would have happened straight away, but it didn't. So how come?

(The Doctor has got dressed behind his curtain.)

DOCTOR: Very good point. Brilliant, in fact. What was your name?
MARTHA: Martha.
DOCTOR: And it was Jones, wasn't it? Well then, Martha Jones, the question is, how are we still breathing?
SWALES: We can't be.
DOCTOR: Obviously we are, so don't waste my time. Martha, what have we got? Is there a balcony on this floor, or a veranda, or
MARTHA: By the patients' lounge, yeah.
DOCTOR: Fancy going out?
MARTHA: Okay.
DOCTOR: We might die.
MARTHA: We might not.
DOCTOR: Good. Come on. Not her, she'd hold us up.

[Patients' lounge balcony]

(They open the glass doors and step out. Each takes a deep breath.)

MARTHA: We've got air. How does that work?
DOCTOR: Just be glad it does.
MARTHA: I've got a party tonight. It's my brother's twenty first. My mother's going to be really, really
DOCTOR: You okay?
MARTHA: Yeah.
DOCTOR: Sure?
MARTHA: Yeah.
DOCTOR: Want to go back in?
MARTHA: No way. I mean, we could die any minute, but all the same, it's beautiful.
DOCTOR: Do you think?
MARTHA: How many people want to go to the moon? And here we are.
DOCTOR: Standing in the Earthlight.
MARTHA: What do you think happened?
DOCTOR: What do you think?
MARTHA: Extraterrestrial. It's got to be. I don't know, a few years ago that would have sounded mad, but these days? That spaceship flying into Big Ben, Christmas, those Cybermen things. I had a cousin. Adeola. She worked at Canary Wharf. She never came home.
DOCTOR: I'm sorry.
MARTHA: Yeah.
DOCTOR: I was there, in the battle.
MARTHA: I promise you, Mister Smith, we will find a way out. If we can travel to the moon, then we can travel back. There's got to be a way.
DOCTOR: It's not Smith. That's not my real name.
MARTHA: Who are you, then?
DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor.
MARTHA: Me too, if I can pass my exams. What is it then, Doctor Smith?
DOCTOR: Just the Doctor.
MARTHA: How do you mean, just the Doctor?
DOCTOR: Just the Doctor.
MARTHA: What, people call you the Doctor?
DOCTOR: Yeah.
MARTHA: Well, I'm not. As far as I'm concerned, you've got to earn that title.
DOCTOR: Well, I'd better make a start, then. Let's have a look. There must be some sort of

(He throws something out, and it bounces off -)

DOCTOR: Forcefield keeping the air in.
MARTHA: But if that's like a bubble sealing us in, that means this is the only air we've got. What happens when it runs out?
DOCTOR: How many people in this hospital?
MARTHA: I don't know. A thousand?
DOCTOR: One thousand people Suffocating.
MARTHA: Why would anyone do that?
DOCTOR: Head's up! Ask them yourself.

(Three massive columnar spaceships pass overhead, then land nearby. Columns of marching beings come stomping out.)

MARTHA: Aliens. That's aliens. Real, proper aliens.
DOCTOR: Judoon.

[Stoker's office]

(Stoker is watching through binoculars.)

FLORENCE: Mister Stoker? I'm sorry, I didn't know who else to ask, but can you help me?
STOKER: I think we've gone beyond aspirin, Miss er
FLORENCE: Finnegan.
STOKER: Names. What are names now when something unnamable is marching towards us across the moon? Two more years, I thought. Two more years and then retire to Florida. But there is Florida, in the sky. I can see it. My daughter, she's still in university. I am never going to see her again.
FLORENCE: But I need help, Mister Stoker.
STOKER: I can't do anything.
FLORENCE: Oh, I think you can.

(The two motorbike men enter.)

STOKER: What do you two want? It's a bit too late to sign for anything.
FLORENCE: These are my lovely boys. I prefer not to get my hands dirty.
STOKER: I'm sorry?
FLORENCE: You see, there are great tests to come, and terrible deeds. Some of them my own. But if I am to survive this, I need you.
STOKER: What are you talking about?
FLORENCE: Blood. Specifically, yours.

(She snaps her fingers and the men take hold of Stoker.)

STOKER: What are you doing? What are you doing? Well, let go of me! What the hell? Let go.
FLORENCE: You see, I was only salt deficient because I am so very good at absorbing it. But now I need fire in my veins, and who better than a consultant, with blood full of salty fats and vintage wines and all those Michelin star sauces.
STOKER: Who are you?
FLORENCE: Oh, I'm a survivor, Mister Stoker. At any cost. Look, I've even brought a straw.

(She takes one out of her handbag. Florence advances and Stoker screams.)

[Hospital reception]

(The aliens march towards the hospital.)

WOMAN: What are they doing?

(They pass through the forcefield and into the hospital. The people there scream and run, hiding behind the chairs in the waiting area. The leader takes off his helmet to reveal that he is - a two horned rhinoceros. He speaks in his own language.)

JUDOON: Blos so folt do no cro blo cos so ro.

(The other Judoon draw their weapons.)

MORGENSTERN: Er, we are citizens of planet Earth. We welcome you in peace.

(The Judoon pushes him against the wall and shines a blue light in his mouth.)

MORGENSTERN: Please don't hurt me. I was just trying to help. I'm sorry, don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me.

(The Judoon plays a recording of Morgenstern on his blue light device, then plugs it into his armour.)

JUDOON: Language assimilated. Designation Earth English. You will be catalogued.

(He shines a blue light onto Morgenstern's forehead.)

JUDOON: Category human.

(He marks a cross on Morgenstern's right hand.)

JUDOON: Catalogue all suspects.

(The process is repeated on all the people by the other Judoon.)

[Mezzanine level]

(The Doctor and Martha watch it all from above.)

DOCTOR: Oh, look down there, you've got a little shop. I like a little shop.
MARTHA: Never mind that. What are Judoon?
DOCTOR: They're like police. Well, police for hire. They're more like interplanetary thugs.
MARTHA: And they brought us to the moon?
DOCTOR: Neutral territory. According to galactic law, they've got no jurisdiction over the Earth, and they isolated it. That rain, lightning? That was them, using an H2O scoop.
MARTHA: What are you on about, galactic law? Where'd you get that from? If they're police, are we under arrest? Are we trespassing on the moon or something?
DOCTOR: No, but I like that. Good thinking. No, I wish it were that simple. They're making a catalogue. That means they're after something non human, which is very bad news for me.
MARTHA: Why? Oh, you're kidding me. Don't be ridiculous. Stop looking at me like that.
DOCTOR: Come on then.

[Hospital reception]

JUDOON: Troop five, floor one. Troop six, floor two. Identify humans and find the transgressor. Find it.

[Outpatients department]

JUDOON: Prepare to be catalogued.
MORGENSTERN: Do what they say. All they want is to shine this light thing. It's all right. They're not going to hurt us. Just listen to them.

(A man smashes a jug over the head of a Judoon.)

JUDOON: Witness the crime. Charge, physical assault. Plea, guilty. Sentence, execution.

(The Judoon kills the man with a painful heat ray. The remains are just a pile of carbon.)

MORGENSTERN: You didn't have to do that.
JUDOON: Justice is swift.

[Admin office]

(The Doctor using his sonic screwdriver on a computer.)

MARTHA: They've reached third floor. What's that thing?
DOCTOR: Sonic screwdriver.
MARTHA: Well, if you're not going to answer me properly.
DOCTOR: No, really, it is. It's a screwdriver, and it's sonic. Look.
MARTHA: What else have you got, a laser spanner?
DOCTOR: I did, but it was stolen by Emily Pankhurst, cheeky woman. Oh, this computer! The Judoon must have locked it down. Judoon platoon upon the moon. Because I was just travelling past. I swear, I was just wandering. I wasn't looking for trouble, honestly, I wasn't, but I noticed these plasma coils around the hospital, and that lightning, that's a plasma coil. Been building up for two days now, so I checked in. I thought something was going on inside. It turns out the plasma coils were the Judoon up above.
MARTHA: But what were they looking for?
DOCTOR: Something that looks human, but isn't.
MARTHA: Like you, apparently.
DOCTOR: Like me. But not me.
MARTHA: Haven't they got a photo?
DOCTOR: Well, might be a shape-changer.
MARTHA: Whatever it is, can't you just leave the Judoon to find it?
DOCTOR: If they declare the hospital guilty of harbouring a fugitive, they'll sentence it to execution.
MARTHA: All of us?
DOCTOR: Oh yes. If I can find this thing first. Oh! You see, they're thick! Judoon are thick! They are completely thick! They wiped the records. Oh, that's clever.
MARTHA: What are we looking for?
DOCTOR: I don't know. Say, any patient admitted in the past week with unusual symptoms. Maybe there's a back-up.
MARTHA: Just keep working. I'll go ask Mister Stoker. He might know.

[Stoker's office]

MARTHA: Mister Stoker?

(She sees a pair of feet sticking out from behind the desk, the motorcycle men, then Florence stands up still sucking on her straw. Martha runs.)

FLORENCE: Kill her!

[Outside the office]

(Martha runs into the Doctor.)

DOCTOR: I've restored the back-up.
MARTHA: I found her.
DOCTOR: You did what?

(The motorcycle men break down Stoker's office door.)

DOCTOR: Run!

(They head down the stairs, but meet Judoon coming off and divert onto another floor, followed by a motorcycle man.)

[Radiology]

(They run in and the Doctor sonics the door lock. Then they get behind the radiation screen.)

DOCTOR: When I say now, press the button.
MARTHA: But I don't know which one.
DOCTOR: Then find out!

(The Doctor starts messing with the x-ray machine while Martha gets the Operator's Manual from the shelf and starts reading. The man outside is battering the door off its hinges. It gets in and the Doctor points the x-ray machine at it.)

DOCTOR: Now!

(The leather-clad man gets a massive dose of radiation, and falls face down. Martha turns the machine off.)

MARTHA: What did you do?
DOCTOR: Increased the radiation by five thousand per cent. Killed him dead.
MARTHA: But isn't that going to kill you?
DOCTOR: Nah, it's only roentgen radiation. We used to play with roentgen bricks in the nursery. It's safe for you to come out. I've absorbed it all. All I need to do is expel it. If I concentrate I can shake the radiation out of my body and into one spot. It's in my left shoe. Here we go, here we go. Easy does it. Out, out, out, out, out. Out, out. Ah, ah, ah, ah! It is, it is, it is, it is, it is hot. Hold on.

(After a lot of jigging about, the Doctor throws his shoe into the bin.)

DOCTOR: Done.
MARTHA: You're completely mad.
DOCTOR: You're right. I look daft with one shoe.

(So he gets rid of the other one.)

DOCTOR: Barefoot on the moon.
MARTHA: So what is that thing? And where's it from, the planet Zovirax?
DOCTOR: It's just a Slab. They're called Slabs. Basic slave drones. See? Solid leather, all the way through. Someone has got one hell of a fetish.
MARTHA: But it was that woman, Miss Finnegan. It was working for her, just like a servant.

(The Doctor had left his screwdriver in the x-ray machine. It is totally fried.)

DOCTOR: My sonic screwdriver.
MARTHA: She was one of the patients, but
DOCTOR: Oh, no. My sonic screwdriver.
MARTHA: She had a straw like some kind of vampire.
DOCTOR: I loved my sonic screwdriver.
MARTHA: Doctor?
DOCTOR: Sorry.

(He throws the screwdriver away.)

DOCTOR: You called me Doctor.
MARTHA: Anyway? Miss Finnegan is the alien. She was drinking Mister Stoker's blood.
DOCTOR: Funny time to take a snack. You'd think she'd be hiding. Unless. No. Yes, that's it. Wait a minute. Yes! Shape-changer. Internal shape-changer. She wasn't drinking blood, she was assimilating it.

[Corridor]

(Florence walks out of the office, wiping the corners of her mouth.)

JUDOON: Prepare to be catalogued. Human.

(Florence stands calmly while she is catalogued.)

[Radiology]

DOCTOR: If she can assimilate Mister Stoker's blood, mimic the biology, she'll register as human. We've got to find her and show the Judoon. Come on!

[Corridor]

JUDOON: Human.

(Florence smiles at the cross on her hand.)

[Outside Pathology]

(The Doctor and Martha hide by the water dispenser as the other Slab walks down the corridor.)

DOCTOR: That's the thing about Slabs. They always travel in pairs.
MARTHA: What about you?
DOCTOR: What about me what?
MARTHA: Haven't you got back-up? You must have a partner or something?
DOCTOR: Oh. Humans. We're stuck on the moon running out of air with Judoon and a bloodsucking criminal, you're asking personal questions? Come on.
MARTHA: I like that. Humans. I'm still not convinced you're an alien.

(They walk into a Judoon and the Doctor gets scanned.)

JUDOON: Non-human.
MARTHA: Oh my God, you really are.
DOCTOR: And again.

(They run, and get round the corner before the Judoon fires its weapon. The chase is on. The Doctor and Martha run up the stairs.)

[Upper corridor]

(People are starting to slump to the floor.)

DOCTOR: They've done this floor. Come on. The Judoon are logical and just a little bit thick. They won't go back to check a floor they've checked already. If we're lucky.

(Swales is giving oxygen to a patient.)

MARTHA: How much oxygen is there?
SWALES: Not enough for all these people. We're going to run out.
DOCTOR: How are you feeling? Are you all right?
MARTHA: I'm running on adrenaline.
DOCTOR: Welcome to my world.
MARTHA: What about the Judoon?
DOCTOR: Nah, great big lung reserves. It won't slow them down. Where's Mister Stoker's office?
MARTHA: It's this way.

[Stoker's office]

MARTHA: She's gone. She was here.

(Stoker's body is very white.)

DOCTOR: Drained him dry. Every last drop. I was right. She's a plasmavore.
MARTHA: What's she doing on Earth?
DOCTOR: Hiding. On the run. Like Ronald Biggs in Rio de Janeiro. What's she doing now? She's still not safe. The Judoon could execute us all. Come on.
MARTHA: Wait a minute.

(Martha closes Stoker's eyes.)

[Corridor]

DOCTOR: Think, think, think. If I was a plasmavore surrounded by police, what would I do?

(He sees the sign to the MRI.)

DOCTOR: Ah. She's as clever as me. Almost.

(Crash, screams.)

JUDOON: Find the non-human. Execute.
DOCTOR: Martha, stay here. I need time. You've got to hold them up.
MARTHA: How do I do that?
DOCTOR: Just forgive me for this. It could save a thousand lives. It means nothing. Honestly, nothing.

(The Doctor kisses Martha, long and hard, then runs away.)

MARTHA: That was nothing?

[MRI room]

(There are flashes of light going on inside the room. The Doctor enters. The scanner itself has energy dancing all over it, and Florence is in the control booth, working.)

DOCTOR: Have you seen them? There are these things. These great big space rhino things. I mean, rhinos from space. And we're on the moon! Great big space rhinos with guns on the moon. And I only came in for my bunions, look. I mean, all fixed now. Perfectly good treatment. The nurses were lovely. I said to my wife, I said I'd recommend this place to anyone, but then we end up on the moon. And did I mention the rhinos?
FLORENCE: Hold him.

(The Slab comes out from behind the door and grabs the Doctor's arms.)

[Corridor]

JUDOON: Find the non-human. Execute.
MARTHA: Now listen, I know who you're looking for. She's this woman. She calls herself Florence.

(The Judoon scans Martha.)

JUDOON: Human. Wait. Non-human traits suspected. Non-human element confirmed. Authorise full scan. What are you? What are you?

[MRI room]

DOCTOR: Er, that, that big er machine thing. Is it supposed to be making that noise?
FLORENCE: You wouldn't understand.
DOCTOR: But isn't that a magnetic resonance imaging thing? Like a ginormous sort of a magnet? I did magnetics GCSE. Well, I failed, but all the same.
FLORENCE: The magnetic setting now increased to fifty thousand Tesla.
DOCTOR: Ooo, that's a bit strong, isn't it?
FLORENCE: It'll send out a magnetic pulse that'll fry the brain stems of every living thing within two hundred and fifty thousand miles. Except for me, safe in this room.
DOCTOR: But er, hold on, hold on, I did geography GCSE. I passed that one. Doesn't that distance include the Earth?
FLORENCE: Only the side facing the moon. The other half will survive. Call it my little gift.
DOCTOR: I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse me, I'm a little out of my depth. I've spent the past fifteen years working as a postman. Hence the bunions. Why would you do that?
FLORENCE: With everyone dead, the Judoon ships will be mine, to make my escape.
DOCTOR: No, that's weird. You're talking like you're some sort of an alien.
FLORENCE: Quite so.
DOCTOR: No!
FLORENCE: Oh, yes.
DOCTOR: You're joshing me.
FLORENCE: I am not.
DOCTOR: I'm talking to an alien? In hospital? What, has the place got an ET department?
FLORENCE: It's the perfect hiding place. Blood banks downstairs for a midnight feast, and all this equipment ready to arm myself with should the police come looking.
DOCTOR: So, those rhinos, they're looking for you?
FLORENCE: Yes. But I'm hidden.
DOCTOR: Right. Maybe that's why they're increasing their scans.
FLORENCE: They're doing what?
DOCTOR: Big chief rhino boy, he said, no sign of a non-human, we must increase our scans up to setting two?
FLORENCE: Then I must assimilate again.
DOCTOR: What does that mean?
FLORENCE: I must appear to be human.
DOCTOR: Well, you're welcome to come home and meet the wife. She'd be honoured. We can have cake.
FLORENCE: Why should I have cake? I've got my little straw.
DOCTOR: Oh, that's nice. Milkshake? I like banana.
FLORENCE: You're quite the funny man. And yet, I think, laughing on purpose at the darkness. I think it's time you found some peace. Steady him!

(The Slab forces the Doctor to his knees and turns his head so Florence has a clear shot at his jugular with her straw.)

DOCTOR: What are you doing?
FLORENCE: I'm afraid this is going to hurt. But if it's any consolation, the dead don't tend to remember.

(She sticks her straw into his vein, and sucks.)

[Corridor]

(Martha gets a cross on her hand.)

JUDOON: Confirm human. Traces of facial contact with non-human. Continue the search.

(He gives Martha a booklet written in alien.)

JUDOON: You will need this.
MARTHA: What's that for?
JUDOON: Compensation.

[MRI room]

(Florence is sucking away when the Judoon enter. The Slab drops the Doctor and Florence hides her straw in her handbag.)

FLORENCE: Now see what you've done. This poor man just died of fright.
JUDOON: Scan him. Confirmation. Deceased.

(Martha runs in.)

MARTHA: No, he can't be. Let me through. Let me see him.
JUDOON: Stop. Case closed.
MARTHA: But it was her. She killed him. She did it. She murdered him.
JUDOON: Judoon have no authority over human crime.
MARTHA: But she's not human.
FLORENCE: Oh, but I am. I've been catalogued.
MARTHA: But she's not! She assimi. Wait a minute. You drank his blood? The Doctor's blood? (Martha points a Judoon scanner at Florence.)
FLORENCE: Oh, I don't mind. Scan all you like.
JUDOON: Non-human.
FLORENCE: But, what?
JUDOON: Confirm analysis.
FLORENCE: Oh, but it's a mistake, surely. I'm human. I'm as human as they come.
MARTHA: He gave his life so they'd find you.
JUDOON: Confirm. Plasmavore, charged with the crime of murdering the child princess of Patrival Regency Nine.
FLORENCE: Well, she deserved it! Those pink cheeks and those blonde curls and that simpering voice. She was begging for the bite of a plasmavore.
JUDOON: Then you confess?
FLORENCE: Confess? I'm proud of it! Slab, stop them!

(The Judoon fries the Slab.)

JUDOON: Verdict, guilty. Sentence, execution.

(Florence dashes behind the screen and plugs in the MRI scanner. The Magnetic Overload sign comes on.)

FLORENCE: Enjoy your victory, Judoon, because you're going to burn with me. Burn in hell!

(The four Judoon all fire and incinerate Florence.)

JUDOON: Case closed.
MARTHA: But what did she mean, burn with me? The scanner shouldn't be doing that. She's done something.

(The Judoon scans the MRI machine.)

JUDOON: Scans detect lethal acceleration of monomagnetic pulse.
MARTHA: Well, do something! Stop it!
JUDOON: Our jurisdiction has ended. Judoon will evacuate.
MARTHA: What? You can't just leave it. What's it going to do?
JUDOON: All units withdraw.

[Hospital reception]

(The Judoon clomp their way back to their spaceships.)

MORGENSTERN: What about the air? We're running out of air.

[Corridor]

MARTHA: You can't go! That thing's going to explode and it's your fault!

[MRI room]

(Martha starts CPR on the Doctor.)

MARTHA: One, two, three, four, five. One, two, three, four, five. Two hearts! One, two, three, four, five. One, two, three, four, five.

(Martha starts to gasp for breath. She takes a last deep lungful and gives it to the Doctor. He wakes and she collapses.)

MARTHA: The scanner. She did something.

(Energy is playing all over the hospital. The Doctor crawls to the scanner controls then realises he doesn't have a sonic screwdriver any more.)

DOCTOR: Soddit.

(He pulls apart the cables that Florence had plugged together and the scanner turns off, then carries Martha down the corridor. The Judoon spaceships take off as the oxygen levels fall to zero.)

[Hospital ward]

(He carries Martha to the window.)

DOCTOR: Come on, come on, come on, come on, please. Come on, Judoon, reverse it.

(It starts to rain.)

DOCTOR: It's raining, Martha. It's raining on the moon.

(A crash of thunder and big flash, and the hospital is back where it should be.)

[Outside the hospital]

(Later, the people are being taken to other hospitals. Martha is sitting in the back of an ambulance. Morgenstern is giving his version to a policeman.)

MORGENSTERN: I told them I represented the human race. I told them, you can't do that. I said, we have rights.
TISH: Martha! Oh, God! I thought you were dead! What happened? It was so weird, because the police wouldn't say. They didn't have a clue. And I tried phoning. Mum's on her way, but she can't get through. They've closed off all the roads.

(The Doctor sneaks back to the TARDIS.)

TISH: There's thousands of people trying to get in. The whole city's come to a halt. And Dad phoned, because it's on the news and everything. He was crying.

(The sound of the TARDIS dematerialising.)

TISH: Oh, what a mess. What happened? I mean, what really happened? Where were you?

[Martha's home]

(Later, after a shower, Martha is getting ready for Leo's party.)

RADIO: Eyewitness reports from the Royal Hope Hospital continue to pour in, and it all seems to be remarkably consistent. This from medical student Oliver Morgenstern.
MORGENSTERN [OC]: I was there. I saw it happen. And I feel uniquely privileged. I looked out at the surface of the moon. I saw the Earth, suspended in space, and it all just proves Mister Saxon right. We're not alone in the universe. There's life out there. Wild and extraordinary life.

[Outside the Market Tavern]

(Annalise storms out of the party.)

ANNALISE: I am not staying in there to be insulted!
CLIVE: She didn't mean it, sweetheart. She was just saying you look healthy.
FRANCINE: No, I did not. I said orange.
ANNALISE: Clive, that woman is disrespecting me. She's never liked me.
FRANCINE: Oh, I can't think why, after you stole my husband.
ANNALISE: I was seduced. I'm entirely innocent. Tell her, babe.
FRANCINE: And then she has a go at Martha, practically accused her of making the whole thing up.
MARTHA: Mum, I don't mind. Just leave it.
ANNALISE: Oh. I've been to the moon! As if. They were drugged. It said so on the news.
FRANCINE: Since when did you watch the news? You can't handle Quiz Mania.
TISH: Annalise started it. She did. I heard her.
LEO: Tish, don't make it worse.
TISH: Oh, come off it, Leo. What did she buy you? Soap. A seventy five pence soap.
ANNALISE: Oh, I'm never talking to your family again!

(Annalise walks off.)

FRANCINE: Oh, stay. Have a night out with Clive.
CLIVE: Don't you dare. I'm putting my foot down.
ANNALISE: You coming?
CLIVE: This is me, putting my foot down.

(Clive follows Annalise.)

FRANCINE: Doing it for the last twenty five years!
CLIVE: Please.
FRANCINE: Clive, stop, now!
TISH: Mum, don't. I

(Francine, Leo and Tish go after Annalise and Clive. Then Martha sees the Doctor standing on the corner. He backs away and she follows.)

[Alleyway]

(The Doctor stands next to the TARDIS.)

MARTHA: I went to the moon today.
DOCTOR: A bit more peaceful than down here.
MARTHA: You never even told me who you are.
DOCTOR: The Doctor.
MARTHA: What sort of species? It's not every day I get to ask that.
DOCTOR: I'm a Time Lord.
MARTHA: Right! Not pompous at all, then.
DOCTOR: I just thought since you saved my life and I've got a brand new sonic screwdriver which needs road testing, you might fancy a trip.
MARTHA: What, into space?
DOCTOR: Well.
MARTHA: But I can't. I've got exams. I've got things to do. I have to go into town first thing and pay the rent, I've got my family going mad.
DOCTOR: If it helps, I can travel in time as well.
MARTHA: Get out of here.
DOCTOR: I can.
MARTHA: Come on now, that's going too far.
DOCTOR: I'll prove it.

(The Doctor goes into the TARDIS and it dematerialises. Martha reaches into the space where it had been. Then it rematerialises again and the Doctor comes out holding his tie in his hand.)

DOCTOR: Told you.
MARTHA: No, but, that was this morning. Did you? Oh, my God. You can travel in time. But hold on. If you could see me this morning, why didn't you tell me not to go in to work?
DOCTOR: Crossing into established events is strictly forbidden. Except for cheap tricks.
MARTHA: And that's your spaceship?
DOCTOR: It's called the TARDIS. Time and Relative Dimension in Space.
MARTHA: Your spaceship's made of wood. There's not much room. We'd be a bit intimate.
DOCTOR: Take a look.

[TARDIS]

MARTHA: No, no, no.

[Alleyway]

MARTHA: But it's just a box. But it's huge.

[TARDIS]

MARTHA: How does it do that? It's wood. It's like a box with that room just rammed in. It's bigger on the inside.
DOCTOR: Is it? I hadn't noticed.

(He shuts the door.)

DOCTOR: Right then, let's get going.
MARTHA: But is there a crew, like a navigator and stuff? Where is everyone?
DOCTOR: Just me.
MARTHA: All on your own?
DOCTOR: Well, sometimes I have guests. I mean some friends, travelling alongside. I had. There was recently, a friend of mine. Rose, her name was. Rose. And we were together. Anyway.
MARTHA: Where is she now?
DOCTOR: With her family. Happy. She's fine. She's. Not that you're replacing her.
MARTHA: Never said I was.
DOCTOR: Just one trip to say thanks. You get one trip, then back home. I'd rather be on my own.
MARTHA: You're the one that kissed me.
DOCTOR: That was a genetic transfer.
MARTHA: And if you will wear a tight suit.
DOCTOR: Now, don't!
MARTHA: And then travel all the way across the universe just to ask me on a date.
DOCTOR: Stop it.
MARTHA: For the record? I'm not remotely interested. I only go for humans.
DOCTOR: Good. Well, then. Close down the gravitic anomaliser, fire up the helmic regulator. And finally, the hand brake. Ready?
MARTHA: No.
DOCTOR: Off we go.

(The TARDIS dematerialises with a big jolt. They hand on for dear life.)

MARTHA: Blimey, it's a bit bumpy.
DOCTOR: Welcome aboard, Miss Jones.
MARTHA: It's my pleasure, Mister Smith.

Transcript originally provided by Chrissie. Adapted by TARDIS.guide. The transcripts are for educational and entertainment purposes only. All other copyrights property of their respective holders.

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