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Tags: Funny
KANE: You can't build an ionic membrane from scratch.
DOCTOR: If I had crayons and half a can of Spam, I could build you from scratch.
— Orphan 55
Tags: Speech
DOCTOR: Never be cruel. Never be cowardly. Hate is always foolish. Love is always wise. Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind.
— Twice Upon a Time
Tags: Name dropping Funny
THE MONK: Is that Lenin on an inflatable giraffe?!
— The Monk, How to Win Planets and Influence People
BILL: So, the Time Lords, bit flexible on the whole man-woman thing, then, yeah?
DOCTOR: We're the most civilised civilisation in the universe. We're billions of years beyond your petty human obsession with gender and its associated stereotypes.
BILL: But you still call yourselves Time Lords?
DOCTOR: Yeah. Shut up.
— World Enough and Time
DOCTOR: Round and around, like a snake eating its own tail
HELEN: Ouroboros?
DOCTOR: Bless you.
— The Side of the Angels
RIVER SONG: How do I look?
HELEN: Uh, like a sexy penguin?
— The Doomsday Chronometer
Tags: Sad Speech
DOCTOR: Nothing’s sad until it’s over, and then everything is.
— Hell Bent
Tags: Sad
DOCTOR: Sometimes the only choices you have are bad ones. But you still have to choose.
— Mummy on the Orient Express
DOCTOR: Charley, C'Rizz, Lucie, Tamsin, Molly. Friends, companions I've known, I salute you. And Cass, I apologise. Physician, heal thyself.
— The Night of the Doctor
LEELA: A man does not become hated for nothing.
SISSY: He says things sometimes, about the races. Things everyone believes, but no one wants to hear. About how some of us are born high and noble, and others are born with less… desirable traits. I mean, what’s wrong with keeping people apart if they won’t ever get on?
LEELA: Where I come from, the people were kept apart for longer than anyone could remember. Now, the Sevateem were as clever as the Tesh, and the Tesh were as savage as the Sevateem. But because they had been apart for so long, they could not see they were just the same. This system sprang from madness, too.
SISSY: Well, you would say that. You’re a Slav. I don’t blame you for wanting to live alongside us, but, well, you can’t, because you’ll drag us down, and we have to preserve the most beautiful things. Oh, I mean no offence, of course.
LEELA: You think you are better than me? You pick the lock.
SISSY: I can’t. I don’t know how.
LEELA: Then who is dragging who down? I mean no offence, of course.
— A Blind Eye
LEELA: Shut the door.
NARVIN: I don't think so.
(Leela draws her knife.)
LEELA: Shut the door or I will cut off your fingers and do it myself.
— The Inquiry
LEELA: I do not lie. I shall kill you, Time Lord.
TORVALD: Leela, please.
LEELA: I shall dangle your entrails before your dying eyes.
TORVALD: That’s… really horrible.
— Weapon of Choice
DOCTOR: Cheer up. Look, there's a mouse.
CHARLEY: I am deeply cheered.
— Seasons of Fear
DOCTOR: (Blithely) Yes, I imagine so. It's quite clear that Frederick brought the car into the house, ran himself over with it, and put it back outside before he finally expired
— The Chimes of Midnight
Anji closed her eyes for a moment. He was a fake. He looked and sounded like a man, a human male with white skin, a long, strong-jawed face and large, pale eyes. But if you touched his skin, if you held his wrist, he was the wrong temperature, he had the wrong pulse. He didn’t even have a name. She called the alien ‘Doctor’ because she didn’t know what else to call it.
— Anji Kapoor, The Year of Intelligent Tigers
Anji walked alone through the city of tigers. It was a fast walk, a bad walk, shouldering and dodging crowd. Sunlight splashing off concrete and glass, bright faces and clothes.
And on every corner, from every doorway, in every window, the music. Coming down from bedrooms, spilling out of cars and cafés, thumping and shrilling, twinkling and twanging. Opera and bossa nova, zydeco and disco, one tune crashing into another as Anji pushed and pulled her way down the street.
— The Year of Intelligent Tigers
BREGMAN: You want to go there? Why, for God’s sake?
DOCTOR: I’m half-stupid. On my mother’s side.
— Alien Bodies
POLICEMAN: Sir, ma'am, go back to your vehicle.
GRACE: What? Stop! He's er, he's British.
DOCTOR: Yes, I suppose I am. Jelly baby, officer?
POLICEMAN: Jelly baby?
GRACE: Just take it.
(The policeman takes a sweet and sniffs it while the Doctor makes lip-smacking noises. When he bites into it, the Doctor takes his gun and points it at his own chest.)
DOCTOR: Now, would you stand aside before I shoot myself.
— Doctor Who (The TV Movie)
CONSTANCE: Constance Harding. I was going to go to my first dance this year, but now, obviously, I can't. When did you come out, by the way?
(A forkful of cake stopped halfway to Benny's mouth)
BENNY: Sorry?
CONSTANCE: Your accent gives you away.
BENNY: My accent?
CONSTANCE: Yes, my dear.
(Constance sighed)
CONSTANCE: Do you know, I was hoping to go cruising, before I came out...
(Benny frowned)
BENNY: Isn't that rather the wrong way around?
CONSTANCE: I suppose so. My mother was going to come too.
BENNY: Really?
CONSTANCE: Yes, she's very gay.
BENNY: Obviously.
(Benny ate her cake thoughtfully. She raised a finger to ask a question, then lowered it again)
BENNY: You know, I think we've been talking at cross-purposes...
— Human Nature
DOCTOR: There are worlds out there where the sky is burning, where the sea's asleep, and the rivers dream. People made of smoke, and cities made of song. Somewhere there's danger, somewhere there's injustice, and somewhere else the tea's getting cold. Come on, Ace, we've got work to do!
— Survival
DOCTOR: I don't suppose you've completely ignored my instructions and secretly prepared any Nitro Nine, have you?
ACE: What if I had?
DOCTOR: Naturally you wouldn't do anything so insanely dangerous as to carry it around with you, would you?
ACE: Of course not. I'm a good girl. I do what I'm told.
DOCTOR: Excellent. Blow up that vehicle.
— Silver Nemesis
DOCTOR: Ace, give me some of that Nitro Nine that you're not carrying.
— Remembrance of the Daleks
DOCTOR: You can always judge a man by the quality of his enemies.
DAVROS: The Daleks shall become Lords of Time! We shall become all-
DOCTOR: - Powerful. Crush the lesser races. Conquer the galaxy. Unimaginable power. Unlimited rice pudding, et cetera, et cetera.
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