The Ultimate Foe

Part Thirteen

[Trial room]

(An imposing figure enters the courtroom and bows to the Inquisitor.)

KEEPER: I came as soon as I could, my lady.
INQUISITOR: Thank you, Keeper. Doctor, do you have any further evidence in your defence?
VALEYARD: My lady, with all due respect, have we not seen enough? Are you not forgetting Article seven and the irrefutable charge which faces the Doctor, that of genocide?
INQUISITOR: I shall deal with that charge in due course, Valeyard. Now kindly don't interrupt me again. Doctor, do you have any further evidence in your defence?
DOCTOR: No, my lady, but I would point out that much of the Railyard's so-called evidence was a farrago of distortion which would have had Ananias, Baron Munchhausen and every other famous liar blushing down to their very toe nails. Much of the evidence was not as I remembered.
INQUISITOR: Do you still maintain the Matrix has been tampered with?
DOCTOR: Yes, madam, I do. All I do not yet understand is who did it and why.
INQUISITOR: Your accusation would be laughable if it were not so outrageous. However, as you see, I have summoned the Keeper of the Matrix. Keeper?
KEEPER: My lady.
INQUISITOR: You have heard the Doctor's allegations. Is it at all possible for the data stored within the Matrix to be tampered with in any way?
KEEPER: Quite impossible, my lady. No one may enter the Matrix without the Key of Rassilon.

(The Keeper indicates a large old-fashioned key fastened to his collar of office.)

DOCTOR: And by whom may the key be used?
KEEPER: Qualified people, for inspection once in a millennium, perhaps. To replace a transductor.
DOCTOR: But keys can be copied, you'll agree?
KEEPER: The Key of Rassilon never leaves my possession.
DOCTOR: Except when it's in the hands of those qualified people.
VALEYARD: This is a ridiculous allegation, my lady. The Doctor is challenging the evidence of the Matrix on the grounds that it has been tampered with, a charge he is totally unable to substantiate.
INQUISITOR: That is accepted. Doctor, wild accusations of malfeasance do not constitute a defence.
DOCTOR: The Matrix can be physically penetrated. The Keeper has admitted as much. Now, much of the evidence you saw was totally at variance with my own memory. Therefore, it has been deliberately distorted.
INQUISITOR: And who would do such a thing, even if it were possible.
DOCTOR: Somebody who wants my head, such as the Valeyard.

(The Valeyard laughs.)

INQUISITOR: Doctor, if you were not already facing the most serious charges, such an accusation levelled at a senior prosecutor would bring you into contempt.

[Space station]

(Meanwhile, two small spacepods are brought onto the space station in the same way that the TARDIS was. The first opens to reveal Sabalom Glitz. The second contains an angry woman banging on the lid.)

MEL [OC]: What's going on? Let me out of here!
GLITZ: Dibber? What's happened to your voice, lad?

(Glitz opens the second pod.)

MEL: I'm not Dibber. Neither am I a lad. And what's more, there's nothing wrong with my voice. As a matter of total disinterest, who are you?
GLITZ: Oh, Sabalom Glitz. And you?
MEL: Melanie, known as Mel.
GLITZ: Are they all like you here?
MEL: I don't know. Shall we go and find out?

[Trial room]

INQUISITOR: There is only one to rebut the evidence of the Matrix, Doctor, and that is to produce witnesses who can support your version of events. Can you do that?
DOCTOR: Well, of course I can't. You know I can't.
INQUISITOR: Then we must accept the Valeyard's evidence.
DOCTOR: Any witnesses I might produce are scattered all over the universe and all through time. How can I find them now?
VALEYARD: Procrastination, my lady. The Doctor' only

(The Valeyard stares as Mel and Glitz enter the courtroom.)

DOCTOR: Melanie? Glitz? What are you doing here?
GLITZ: I was sent, wasn't I. Not my idea, mind.
MEL: Same here. What have you been up to?
INQUISITOR: Be silent. Who sent you?
GLITZ: That's the beak, is it? They all look the same, don't they? Carved out of something hard and nasty.
INQUISITOR: You said you were sent here, Sabalom Glitz. By whom?
MASTER [on screen]: By me, madam.
DOCTOR: Oh no! Now I really am finished.
MEL: Who's that?
DOCTOR: Just one of my oldest enemies.
INQUISITOR: This is entirely irregular. Who are you, sir?
MASTER [on screen]: I'm known as the Master, and as you see, I speak to you from within the Matrix. Proof, if any be needed, that not only qualified people can enter here.
KEEPER: But you haven't the Key of Rassilon.
MASTER [on screen]: I got a very good copy, Keeper, just as the Doctor said was possible.
INQUISITOR: This is an independent inquiry appointed by the High Council to investigate serious charges
MASTER [on screen]: Madam, I know. I've followed the trial with great interest and indeed amusement, but now I must intervene for the sake of justice.
DOCTOR: Justice? Pay no attention, madam. He has no concept of what justice is. He'd see me dead tomorrow.
MASTER [on screen]: Gladly, Doctor, but I'm not prepared to countenance a rival.
VALEYARD: My lady, I must propose an immediate adjournment.
INQUISITOR: I'm sorry, Valeyard. The evidence for the prosecution is completed. The ball, as the Doctor might say, is out of your court.
MASTER [on screen]: Doctor, I've sent you two star witnesses. I knew you'd need them.
VALEYARD: With due respect, Sagacity, the matter of witnesses is for you to decide. We've seen enough to know that Glitz is an admitted criminal. Any testimony from him must therefore be dubious in the extreme.
MEL: But not from me. I'm as truthful, honest, and about as boring as they come.
INQUISITOR: This court is not, for the moment, impugning your integrity, young lady.
MASTER [on screen]: Let Sabalom Glitz speak.
INQUISITOR: Criminals have been known to speak the truth, Valeyard, especially when their own interests are not at stake.
VALEYARD: My point, my lady, is that this person who calls himself the Master, whoever he might be, should not be permitted to produce surprise witnesses.
MASTER [on screen]: You pretend not to know me, do you? I'm surprised by the shortness of the Valeyard's memory.
INQUISITOR: The Doctor may, in his defence, call witnesses to rebut your evidence, after which you may cross-examine them. That is the procedure, Valeyard.
VALEYARD: My lady.
MASTER [on screen]: If I might intercede?
INQUISITOR: You have no part in these proceedings, sir.
MASTER [on screen]: Corporeally, of course not, but I'm present, and enjoying myself enormously.
INQUISITOR: Doctor, please examine your witnesses.
DOCTOR: Yes, madam.

(Glitz is taken with the carvings on the Time Lord's benches.)

GLITZ: This is real machonite, you know. Worth a few grotzits today, Your Honour.
DOCTOR: Glitz.
GLITZ: I could make you a fair offer on a job lot, do you a very good deal.
DOCTOR: Glitz!
GLITZ: What?
DOCTOR: You were sent here by the Master.
GLITZ: Yeah, well, he's a business partner, so to speak. We've had a few nice little tickles together
DOCTOR: This court is not interested in your sordid business deals, Glitz.
INQUISITOR: Very good, Doctor. Keep him to the point.
DOCTOR: When we last met, you expressed interest in a box.
GLITZ: Right.
DOCTOR: What was in that box?
GLITZ: I don't know. Scientific stuff, so he said. Stuff the Sleepers have been nicking from the Matrix for years.
KEEPER: The Matrix? My Matrix?
GLITZ: Right. Well, it seems the Sleepers had found a way to break into the Matrix, and they were creaming off all this high-tech info to take back to Andromeda.
DOCTOR: But they were operating from Earth.
GLITZ: Of course. That was their cover, wasn't it. They knew that the Time Lords eventually would trace the leak.
VALEYARD: He's lying, my lady.
DOCTOR: I don't think so, Stackyard. It all begins to make very good sense.
MEL: That's it, Doc. Now we're getting at the dirt.
DOCTOR: Doc? Carry on, Glitz. What happened next?
GLITZ: Well, eventually the Time Lords did suss out the leak, so they wanted to wipe out all the Sleepers, and they used this er, magno. Magno
DOCTOR: Magnotron?
GLITZ: That's it.
DOCTOR: Well, that can only be done by an order in High Council.
MASTER [on screen]: Of course, Doctor. To protect their own secrets, they drew the Earth and its constellation billions of miles across space
DOCTOR: Causing the fireball which nearly destroyed the planet.
MASTER [on screen]: Of little consequence in the High Council's planning. The robot recovery mission from Andromeda sped past Earth out into space. Gallifreyan secrets were saved, except that at the first intimation of the coming fireball, the Andromedans were able to set up a survival chamber for the Sleepers.
DOCTOR: So that's why Earth was renamed Ravalox. That sanctimonious gang of hypocrites were covering their tracks.
MASTER [on screen]: Exactly. It takes time, Doctor, but eventually you get there.
DOCTOR: They put an ancient culture like the Earth to the sword for the sake of a few miserable, filthy scientific advances?
GLITZ: Big market for them, Doctor, so he said. Worth a lot of grotzits.
DOCTOR: In all my travellings throughout the universe I have battled against evil, against power-mad conspirators. I should have stayed here. The oldest civilisation, decadent, degenerate and rotten to the core. Ha! Power-mad conspirators, Daleks, Sontarans, Cybermen, they're still in the nursery compared to us. Ten million years of absolute power, that's what it takes to be really corrupt.
MEL: Take it easy, Doc.
INQUISITOR: Doctor, these unseemly outbursts
DOCTOR: Unseemly outbursts? If I hadn't visited Ravalox, as I then thought of it, the High Council would have kept this outrage carefully buried, as presumably they have for several centuries.
MASTER [on screen]: I must agree. You have an endearing habit of blundering into these things, Doctor, and the High Council took full advantage of your blunder.
INQUISITOR: Explain that.
MASTER [on screen]: They made a deal with the Valeyard, or as I've always known him, the Doctor, to adjust the evidence, in return for which he was promised the remainder of the Doctor's regenerations.
VALEYARD: This is clearly
DOCTOR: Just a minute! Did you call him the Doctor?
MASTER [on screen]: There is some evil in all of us, Doctor, even you. The Valeyard is an amalgamation of the darker sides of your nature, somewhere between your twelfth and final incarnation. And I may say, you do not improve with age.
DOCTOR: Madam, this revelation should halt this trial immediately. Surely even Gallifreyan law must acknowledge that the same person cannot be both prosecutor and defendant.
INQUISITOR: The single purpose of this trial is to determine the defendant's guilt or otherwise on the basis of the evidence that has been presented. Anything else is, for the moment, irrelevant.
DOCTOR: What?

(The Valeyard flees the courtroom.)

MEL: Doctor!
INQUISITOR: Valeyard!

(The Doctor gives chase.)

DOCTOR: Glitz, come on!
GLITZ: What?

[Space station]

DOCTOR: We need him.

(The Valeyard is nowhere in sight.)

GLITZ: But he hasn't had time.
DOCTOR: There must be another way out of here.
GLITZ: He's gone!
KEEPER: The seventh door. He must have had a key.
DOCTOR: What?
KEEPER: The seventh entrance to the Matrix.
DOCTOR: Well, quickly, man, open it. He must be brought back.
INQUISITOR: I agree.

(The Keeper goes to a multi-coloured section of wall and gives the key to the Doctor. The Doctor opens the panel to reveal glowing white light.)

KEEPER: You'll never find him. The Matrix is a micro-universe.
MEL: Don't go, Doctor.
DOCTOR: I must. Perhaps nothing in my life has ever been so important. Come on, Glitz.

(The Doctor pulls Glitz inside.)

GLITZ: Me?
MEL: Doctor!
INQUISITOR: Be silent! Come, let us return to the trial room.
MEL: Why? There's nobody to try anymore.
INQUISITOR: Come along, both of you.

[Courtyard]

(It is dark. A bell tolls and rats scavenge on the straw-strewn paved ground of an alleyway. A bright light slants in, then the Doctor appears. Welcome to the Gladstone Pottery Museum, Stoke on Trent.)

DOCTOR: Oh! Oh, what an unpleasant journey. What an unpleasant place.

(A poster on the wall warns of cholera. A voice calls out in time with the bell.)

VALEYARD [OC]: Doctor.

(Then it goes quiet.)

DOCTOR: Glitz? Glitz?
VALEYARD [OC]: Bwahahahahahaha!

(Children are singing.)

CHILDREN [OC]: London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London Bridge is falling down, my fair lady.
VALEYARD [OC]: Bwahahahahahaha!

(The sounds of a music hall - piano playing and laughter - drift across as the Doctor begins to explore. He runs towards them and they stop. Then a single woman's voice laughs. The Doctor has run into an open area. He looks into a water barrel.)

DOCTOR: Well, I can't believe you're in there.

(A pair of arms shoot out of the water and grab his head, pulling it down.)

DOCTOR: Glitz! Help!

(A beam of light deposits Glitz in the nearby alleyway.)

DOCTOR: Glitz!
GLITZ: Doctor?
DOCTOR: Hurry, man!

(Glitz runs over to the Doctor, who is now lying on the cobbles.)

GLITZ: What's going on?
DOCTOR: Oh, I don't know. I don't know whether what just happened to me was real or an illusion.
GLITZ: Looks like someone's had a go at you.
DOCTOR: Do you mind?
GLITZ: What?
DOCTOR: Water.
GLITZ: Oh, yeah, sure.
DOCTOR: We're not in the real world any longer, Sabalom Glitz. Whatever attacked me was in that barrel.
GLITZ: Argh.
DOCTOR: Or was it in my mind?
GLITZ: How can we be in a different world? We just stepped through a door, that's all.
DOCTOR: Into the Matrix, where the only logic is that there isn't any logic.
GLITZ: Yeah, I knew this was a mistake. My grip on reality's not too good at the best of times. Here, this is for you.

(Glitz hands the Doctor a note.)

GLITZ: Now, if you don't mind telling me, how do I get out of here?
DOCTOR: It's from the Master.
GLITZ: I know. I've just given it to you. He said it would be useful.
DOCTOR: It tells me where the Valeyard has his base.
GLITZ: (reads) The Fantasy Factory, proprietor J J Chambers.

(The Doctor looks up to see the Fantasy Factory sign lit up.)

DOCTOR: So that's where he got to.

(The Doctor and Glitz walk towards it.)

DOCTOR: So why is the Master helping me?
GLITZ: Yeah, well, I'm sure you'll find out. I'm off.
DOCTOR: No, come on. I want you to meet my darker side.
GLITZ: I've done my bit.
DOCTOR: Pop in and say hello. You'll be perfectly safe.

(An upper storey of windows light up.)

GLITZ: What's going on?

(A harpoon hits Glitz in the stomach, knocking him down.)

[Trial room]

INQUISITOR: Assuming I accept what you say about the evidence against the Doctor, how much of it had been contrived?
MASTER [on screen]: For a lie to work, madam, it must be shrouded in truth. Therefore most of what you saw was true.
INQUISITOR: Then the young woman, the one who died, was that true?
MASTER [on screen]: Ah, the delightful Miss Perpugilliam Brown. That was clever of the Valeyard, exploiting the affection the Doctor had for her. But then, of course, the Valeyard would know precisely how the Doctor felt.
INQUISITOR: Then she lives?
MASTER [on screen]: As a queen, set up on high by that warmongering fool Yrcanos.
INQUISITOR: I am pleased.
MASTER [on screen]: Sentiment will not keep the Doctor alive, my lady.
MEL: Isn't there anything we can do to help?
MASTER [on screen]: Remain calm. Concentrate your thoughts. Prepare for the worst.
KEEPER: Huh. Sounds a bit gloomy.
MASTER [on screen]: You have any other suggestions, my dear Keeper?
INQUISITOR: Assuming I accept what you say about the evidence against the Doctor, how much of it had been contrived?

[Courtyard]

DOCTOR: You'll catch cold lying there.
GLITZ: You're a hard man, Doctor. I could have been killed.
DOCTOR: Not when you're wearing a mark seven postidion life preserver.
GLITZ: Yeah, well, whoever threw that harpoon didn't know that. So much for illusions. Anyway, I thought it was you he was trying to kill.
DOCTOR: Yes, he's playing games. He wants to humiliate me first.
GLITZ: Oh, I see. He humiliates you by throwing harpoons at me. It makes a lot of sense.
DOCTOR: Your presence here makes his task more difficult. He knows that. He also knows that together we can fight him.
GLITZ: Look, Doctor, I'm a small-time crook with small-time ambitions, one of which is to stay alive. I'm sorry, Doctor. I wish you every good luck, but I'm on my way. I've done my bit.
DOCTOR: If you leave and I die, what future do you think you'll have? As the only witness to events here, the Valeyard will be forced to seek you out and kill you.
GLITZ: All right, I'll help you.
DOCTOR: Good man. Now, button your life preserver and let's get on with it.

[Trial room]

INQUISITOR: In all my experience, I have never before had to conclude a case in both the absence of the accused and the prosecutor.
MASTER [on screen]: One and the same person, madam.
INQUISITOR: So you've said, but can you prove that?
MASTER [on screen]: I know them both. But I suggest you question the High Council. They set up this travesty of a trial, making a scapegoat of the Doctor to conceal their own involvement.
INQUISITOR: Is there any reason why I should accept that allegation from a renegade Time Lord?
MASTER [on screen]: Yes, if you're concerned with learning the truth.
INQUISITOR: What is your interest in this matter? Not, I think, concern for the Doctor.
MASTER [on screen]: Oh, indeed not. The Doctor's well matched against himself. One must destroy the other.
MEL: How utterly evil.
MASTER [on screen]: Thank you. I think I'd lay a shade more odds on the Valeyard, though the possibility of their mutual destruction must exist. That would be perfect.
MEL: You're despicable.
MASTER [on screen]: So many compliments. May I say, you're a charming child.
MEL: You beast.
INQUISITOR: Be quiet, girl. Am I to take it that some base desire for revenge is your motive for interfering?
MASTER [on screen]: There's nothing purer and more unsullied, madam, than the desire for revenge. But, if you follow the metaphor, I've thrown a pebble into the water, perhaps killing two birds with one stone, and causing ripples that'll rock the High Council to its foundations. What more could a renegade wish for?

[Outer office]

(The Doctor and Glitz enter a Victorian era office, where a man is writing at a desk, using a quill pen and an oil lamp for illumination.)

DOCTOR: How do you do? I think we're expected.
GLITZ: Are you sure we're in the right place?

(The Doctor rings the bell on the desk, and the man finally looks up.)

POPPLEWICK: Yes?
DOCTOR: We'd like to see the proprietor, please.
POPPLEWICK: Do you have an appointment, sir? Mister Chambers only sees people by appointment. Most particular about appointments is our Mister Chambers.
DOCTOR: I think you'll find we're expected.
POPPLEWICK: What is your name, sir?
DOCTOR: I am known as the Doctor, and this is Mister Sabalom Glitz.

(Popplewick checks in his book.)

GLITZ: If this Valeyard wants you dead, he's got a funny way of going about it.
DOCTOR: I've told you. It's called humiliation. Could you hurry up, please? We haven't got all day.
POPPLEWICK: There are procedures to follow, sir. Necessary routines to be completed. Even when I've found your names, there are many forms to be inscribed before you may move on to the next stage of processing. Processing is very important in this establishment. I'm sure that even you will understand that such things cannot be rushed, sir.
DOCTOR: Oh, I don't know. I've always been a bit of an iconoclast by nature.

(The Doctor opens a door and strides through.)

POPPLEWICK: You can't go in there, not without an appointment!

[Inner office]

POPPLEWICK: Ah, Doctor.

(The Doctor checks the other office. Popplewick is still there, and there are two more in this room.)

DOCTOR: Well, at least you're expecting us.
POPPLEWICK: We all are.
GLITZ: You're lookalike out there wasn't.
POPPLEWICK: He is the exception. The very junior Mister Popplewick isn't permitted to expect anyone.
GLITZ: What's he talking about?
DOCTOR: I think it's called bureaucracy.
POPPLEWICK: I prefer to call it order, and the holy writ of order is procedure. I'm sure you agree.
GLITZ: Oh, yeah, of course.
POPPLEWICK: For example, you wish to see the proprietor. Now, the correct procedure is to make an appointment.
DOCTOR: But we're already expected.
POPPLEWICK: But the junior Mister Popplewick isn't allowed to expect anyone.
GLITZ: You knew we were coming. Why didn't you give him the nod?
POPPLEWICK: And upset the procedure? The junior Mister Popplewick has his pride too.
GLITZ: I don't understand any of this. Here we are, waiting to duck a terminal knuckle sandwich, and all this screeve's going on about is whether we've got an appointment or not.
DOCTOR: Is there no way to expedite the procedure?
POPPLEWICK: Expedite? I am a senior clerk, sir. To me, the procedure is sacrosanct. My work is a celebration of all that is perfect. Why speed perfection?
DOCTOR: Because your employer wants me dead.
POPPLEWICK: You seem to have found the one little weakness in our procedure, sir. Would you sign this?
DOCTOR: What is it?
POPPLEWICK: A consent form, sir. The corridors in this factory are very long and dark. Should you unexpectedly die, our blessed proprietor, Mister J J Chambers, insists he inherits your remaining lives.
DOCTOR: Obviously the Valeyard doesn't trust the High Council to honour their side of the bargain.

(The Doctor reaches for the quill tucked behind Mister Popplewick's ear. He brushes his hand aside and gives him another quill.)

GLITZ: Sign that and you're a dead man.
DOCTOR: We're in the Valeyard's domain. He can try and kill me any time he likes. I'll sign my remaining lives away to Mister J J Chambers.

(The Doctor signs the parchment.)

GLITZ: Are you sure about this?
DOCTOR: Absolutely. Now can we see your proprietor?
POPPLEWICK: The waiting room is through there. You will be summoned as soon as your signature has been verified.
GLITZ: This is madness.
DOCTOR: Not if it precipitates my meeting with the Valeyard.

(The Doctor opens the door to the waiting room.)

[Beach]

DOCTOR: This is a very odd waiting room. Where are the hopelessly out of date magazines.

(We scan the length of Camber Sands, Sussex.)

DOCTOR: Hmm? Glitz? Glitz?
VOICE [OC]: Bwahahahahahaha!
DOCTOR: What have you done with him?
VALEYARD [OC]: Look to your own predicament, Doctor.

(A hand reaches out of the sand and grabs the Doctor's ankle.)

DOCTOR: This is an illusion. I deny it!

(Another hand grabs his other ankle.)

VALEYARD [OC]: Not this time.
DOCTOR: This isn't happening!

(More hands appear as the Doctor frees one ankle then falls backwards. The Valeyard laughs as the grasping hands pull the Doctor into the quicksand.)

VALEYARD [OC]: You are dead, Doctor.
DOCTOR: No!
VALEYARD [OC]: Goodbye, Doctor. Bwahahahahahaha!

(The Doctor screams.)

Part Fourteen

[Beach]

(Only the Doctor's feet are visible sticking out of the quicksand as Glitz runs across the dunes.)

GLITZ: Doctor! Hang on! Where are you? Oh, no. Don't give in! I'm coming!

(Glitz arrives at the feet, grabs at them and pulls the spats off.)

GLITZ: Doctor.

(The feet have disappeared.)

GLITZ: What a way to go. All in all, he wasn't a bad old codger. Honest, of course. Still, nobody's perfect.
DOCTOR [OC]: (burbling) And that's the clue. Nobody is. Not even the Valeyard.
GLITZ: Oh, great cosmic protector of grafters and dissemblers, save me. Save me! A voice from the grave.
DOCTOR [OC]: No, a grave voice.

(The Doctor rises vertically from the quicksand.)

DOCTOR: Bad joke. But everything round here is a bad joke.
GLITZ: No mud? But I saw. Your ankle armour.

(The Doctor is wearing his orange spats.)

GLITZ: I don't get it.
DOCTOR: Oh, do concentrate, Glitz. How often must I tell you? We're not dealing with reality.

(The Valeyard appears.)

VALEYARD: Why waste your breath on that simple minded oaf.

(He disappears and reappears next to Glitz.)

VALEYARD: You cannot speak as though reality is a one-dimensional concept.

(Then pops next to the Doctor.)

VALEYARD: Fortunately, there is a reality that you and I can both agree on. The ultimate reality.
DOCTOR: Death?
VALEYARD: The undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveller returns.
DOCTOR: Puzzles the will. Hamlet, act three scene one.
VALEYARD: I really must curb these urges. I've no wish to be contaminated by your whims and idiosyncrasies.
DOCTOR: Quite so. But what I don't comprehend

(The Valeyard vanishes.)

GLITZ: He's over here, Doc. Slippery customer, your other persona.
DOCTOR: What I don't comprehend is why you want me dead. No. No, let me rephrase that. It would satisfy my curiosity to know why you should go to such extraordinary lengths to kill me.

(The Valeyard relocates to the dunes.)

VALEYARD: Come now, Doctor. How else can I obtain my freedom, operate as a complete entity, unfettered by your side of my existence? Only by ridding myself of you and your misplaced morality, your constant crusading, your
GLITZ: Idiotic honesty?
VALEYARD: Oaf. Microbe.
GLITZ: Pardon me for trying to help. I'm neutral in this set-up, you know.

(The Valeyard returns to the Doctor.)

VALEYARD: Only by releasing myself from the misguided maxims that you nurture can I be free.

(The Valeyard vanishes.)

GLITZ: Sounds to me like Armageddon's beckoning you, Doc.
VALEYARD: With you destroyed and no longer able to constrain me, and with unlimited access to the Matrix, there will be nothing beyond my reach.

(The Valeyard fades away and the Doctor sets off across the sands.)

GLITZ: Where are you off to now?
DOCTOR: To trace the Valeyard.
GLITZ: But he was here.
DOCTOR: Illusion, Glitz. The shadow, not the substance. But if you don't want to come, you can stay here and build sandcastles. I'm sure if you think hard enough, you can conjure up a bucket and spade.
GLITZ: Tell you something. If you two meet face to face, five grotzits gives you ten he's first past the chequered flag.

(A thick mist drifts across the beach.)

GLITZ: What's that?
DOCTOR: Back pedal.

(They run for the dunes.)

GLITZ: Another illusion?
DOCTOR: Alas, no.
GLITZ: Sea mist? Fog?
DOCTOR: Asphyxiating nerve gas. This is in deadly earnest.
GLITZ: You've got to tell someone else before he
DOCTOR: Run!

[Trial room]

(Finally, proceedings in the Matrix are on the screen.)

MEL: We can't just sit here and do nothing. We've got to help him.
INQUISITOR: The Doctor chose to enter the Matrix. We are not empowered to interfere.
KEEPER: If I may, my lady? You are applying logical thought to a situation that recognises no logic.
MEL: Give me the key to the Matrix. I'm going in there.
(The Keeper trips Mel up.
The Doctor and Glitz run into a beach hut, which then dematerialises.)

[Master's TARDIS]

MASTER: Welcome, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Well, I never thought I'd welcome the sight of you.
MASTER: It will not happen again.
DOCTOR: What puzzles me is why it's happening now.
MASTER: The explanation's quite simple. I want the Valeyard eliminated, and you're the most likely candidate to achieve that.
GLITZ: Hang on. You told me this fleshy fair-haired personage was the one you wanted to croak.
MASTER: With the Doctor as my enemy, I always have the advantage.
DOCTOR: Ho!
MASTER: But the Valeyard, the distillation of all that's evil in you, untainted by virtue, a composite of your every dark thought, is a different proposition. Additionally, he's infuriated me by threatening to deny me the pleasure of personally bringing about your destruction. And so he must pay the price. And you, Glitz, shall help me to collect.

(The Master takes Glitz into the interior. The console room fills with a painful pulsing sound.)

[Outside the console room]

GLITZ: Would I be wrong in thinking that the Doctor will soon be needing a machonite overcoat?
MASTER: Nothing so crude. He's merely being reduced to a catatonic state.
GLITZ: Cata what?
MASTER: The violent assault on his senses will trip a defensive mechanism, and his brain will switch off.
GLITZ: He'll become a zombie.
MASTER: Temporarily. Long enough for my purposes.

(In the console room, the Doctor stands still and blank.)

[Courtyard]

(The Master's TARDIS materialises as a statue of Queen Victoria seated, on top of a column. The Master comes out.)

MASTER: Walk.

(The Doctor and Glitz follow.)

MASTER: Stop. This should prove an irresistible bait for the Valeyard.
GLITZ: You Time Lords take the cake. Talk about devious. Compared to you lot I'm as transparent as crystal. Poor old Doc.
MASTER: Stop slobbering. Get over here.

(The Master's TARDIS dematerialises as Glitz runs under an external staircase. A Mister Popplewick puts a quill behind his ear, goes onto the balcony to see the Doctor standing still in the courtyard, goes back inside then comes out onto the balcony again and smiles. He goes back inside then the Valeyard comes out. The Master fires his Tissue Compression Eliminator at the Valeyard, but the beams just bounce off.)

VALEYARD: You really are a second rate adversary. Did you imagine I'd be lured by such a transparent ploy?

(The Valeyard throws a quill, which explodes as it hits the ground by the Master and Glitz. They run across the square with explosions at their feet. The Valeyard laughs and goes back inside.)

GLITZ: This could all be an illusion.
MASTER: Then stay here and find out.

(The Master runs off. A quill explodes next to Glitz.)

MEL [OC]: Doctor? Where are you, Doctor? Doctor!

(The Doctor wakes and sees a figure in silhouette.)

DOCTOR: Mel?
MEL: Doctor, is that you?
DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, of course it's me. Where are you?
MEL: This way. Quickly.
DOCTOR: What are you doing in the Matrix?
MEL: Forget the questions. You're alive, that's all that matters. Now please, follow me before it's too late.
DOCTOR: Where are we going?
MEL: To get you out of this unholy mess.

[Outside the trial room]

DOCTOR: But that's the seventh door! You're taking me back to the trial room.
MEL: Doctor, trust me. Don't you see that until you've cleared your name, you're no better than the Valeyard is. A renegade on the run, an outcast.
DOCTOR: Quite the pragmatist, aren't you? You're quite right, of course. Let's get it over with.

[Trial room]

INQUISITOR: Doctor. You owe the court an apology.
DOCTOR: Well, if I do, then it is unreservedly offered, madam.
INQUISITOR: The charge of genocide is based on your own evidence.
MEL: And refuted by the Doctor.
INQUISITOR: It seems you have a champion in this young woman.
MEL: I was there, remember?
INQUISITOR: Would you accept her as an impartial witness?
DOCTOR: I would trust Mel with my life.
INQUISITOR: Good. Keeper.
DOCTOR [on screen]: The vionesium, Mel!

(The Vervoids wither and die in the bright light.)

INQUISITOR: Is that a true record of what occurred?
MEL: What shall I say, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Just tell the truth.
MEL: Yes, but I don't want her to twist it like the Valeyard did.
DOCTOR: The truth can't harm me.
MEL: That's what happened.
INQUISITOR: Is it your contention that the Doctor was solely responsible for devising the scheme we are presently reviewing on the Matrix?
MEL: Oh, absolutely. Without the Doctor, we'd all ended up on the Vervoid's revolting compost heap.
INQUISITOR: A unique solution.
MEL: Out of this world.
INQUISITOR: An appropriate expression, wouldn't you say, my lords?

(Rhubarb, rhubarb.)

MEL: Appropriate? Something's going wrong here. I can sense it. You said the truth couldn't harm you, yet I have the feeling I'm attending a lynching party. Tell them you had no choice, Doctor.
DOCTOR: There's always a choice.
INQUISITOR: Doctor, you stand accused of genocide. The evidence is incontrovertible. The verdict is guilty.
MEL: No!
INQUISITOR: Your life is therefore forfeit. Take him from this court.
MEL: No, leave him alone!
DOCTOR: Unless we are prepared to sacrifice our lives for the good of all, then evil and anarchy will spread like the plague. The rule of law must prevail. Madam, I accept your verdict.

[Trial room]

(We pull out to reveal that this was a scene on the Matrix screen.)

MEL: Switch it off. Switch it off! The Doctor's been tricked into believing that that was the real trial room. The Valeyard's illusion has deliberately taken advantage of the Doctor's romantic nature. He's convinced he must sacrifice himself, and you're content to let him.
INQUISITOR: We cannot interfere.
MEL: Well, I can!

(Mel stamps on the Keeper's foot, grabs the Key and runs into the Matrix.)

[Courtyard]

(The Doctor is in a tumbril being pulled into the courtyard. Mel hears laughter.)

CHILDREN [OC]: London's burning, London's burning.

(The tumbril goes past Glitz, who wakes.)

VALEYARD [OC]: Glitz. Glitz. Sabalom Glitz.

(The tumbril stops.)

VALEYARD [OC]: Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.
DOCTOR: It is a far, far better thing that I do than I have ever done. It is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.

(Mel comes running.)

MEL: Never mind the Sydney Carton heroics. You're not signing on as a martyr yet.
DOCTOR: Go away, Mel. Go away.
MEL: That trial was an illusion.

(The tumbril vanishes and the Doctor falls onto the cobblestones.)

DOCTOR: Ow! You've ruined everything.
MEL: Ruined? I've just saved your neck.
DOCTOR: All you've done is keep me from a confrontation with the Valeyard.
MEL: But you were on your way to
DOCTOR: To a death chamber as a result of a bogus trial and my noble act of self-sacrifice.
MEL: You knew it was an illusion? How come?
DOCTOR: Because of you, Mel. In your evidence you testified you'd heard me deny the charge of genocide, but you weren't even there. You hadn't been inside the courtroom at that time. And with your extraordinary ability of total recall, you wouldn't have made such an elementary mistake.
MEL: Okay, okay, I'm not deaf.
DOCTOR: The Valeyard overestimates his own cleverness. Like all megalomaniacs, he is consumed with his own vanity. There, that should inflame his bloated ego. Come on.
MEL: Where?
DOCTOR: To find Mister J J Chambers.

[Master's TARDIS]

(The Master and Glitz are watching this on the scanner.)

MASTER: I want you to rejoin the Doctor and lead him to the Valeyard.
GLITZ: No chance. You don't catch me going near no more quill pens again.

(The Master swings a shiny pendant in front of Glitz.)

GLITZ: I'm just going to stay here till I can get back to my own kind and some honest thieving.

(Glitz's eyes follow the pendant.)

MASTER: Splendid, splendid. Listen to me. Are you listening, Sabalom Glitz?
GLITZ: Not really. I was just wondering how many grotzits this little bauble cost you.

(Glitz takes it from the Master, so the Master wheels out a large wooden chest.)

MASTER: Perhaps this will appeal to your crass soul.

(A pirate's treasure chest.)

GLITZ: Truly a wondrous sight for a connoisseur such as myself. There isn't a living creature in the universe I couldn't bribe with this little lot.
MASTER: Yours, if you follow my orders.

(The Master slams the lid shut, just missing Glitz's fingers.)

[Outer office]

(No Popplewicks in sight. The Doctor searches.)

MEL: I still reckon we'd be better off outside the Matrix.
DOCTOR: Oh? Oh, you do?
MEL: It seems to me we should try and draw the Valeyard out to where the odds would be more even.
DOCTOR: And how do we do that?
MEL: I hate to say this but, er, use you as bait.
DOCTOR: Assuming that it's me he's after.

[Inner office]

MEL: Oh, come on. Just look at the elaborate lengths he's gone to already.
DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, they were elaborate, weren't they? Perhaps too elaborate.
MEL: There are times in our relationship when I feel an interpreter wouldn't come amiss.

(Mel opens the Waiting room door.)

DOCTOR: Don't go through that

(A fire-breathing dragon is on the other side. Mel screams and slams it shut.)

DOCTOR: Door.

[Outer office]

(Glitz retrieves the data storage box that he originally stole from Drathro in the Mysterious Planet from the junior Mister Popplewick's desk.)

POPPLEWICK: Sticky fingers, Mister Glitz?
GLITZ: The Matrix memory bank. I thought this was destroyed on Ravalox.
POPPLEWICK: That was a duplicate. This is the master tape.
GLITZ: Phase three, four, five and six. All the secrets of the Matrix.
POPPLEWICK: Not all. The primitive phases one and two have been relegated to the archives. Now kindly put it back and do as you're told.
GLITZ: I'd give my soul for this.
POPPLEWICK: You would? Would you, indeed.

(Popplewick aims a hand gun at Glitz.)

GLITZ: You'd like to negotiate, Mister Popplewick? Sir?

[Inner office]

(The Doctor has found an interesting paper in an in tray.)

DOCTOR: Look at this, Mel.
MEL: A list of names.
DOCTOR: Of Time Lords attending my trial. Every member of the Ultimate Court of Appeal, the supreme guardians of Gallifreyan law.
MEL: Why are they all crossed through?
DOCTOR: Do you notice something else?
MEL: No.
DOCTOR: The handwriting.
MEL: It's yours.

(Popplewick and Glitz enter.)

POPPLEWICK: I really must protest at this unseemly behaviour. You are contravening all known procedure.
GLITZ: Due to my not inconsiderable powers of persuasion

(Glitz has got hold of Popplewick's gun. Popplewick is carrying the Matrix tape.)

GLITZ: This minion has agreed to take us to his boss, the mysterious Mister J J Chambers.
DOCTOR: Will you lead the way, Mister Popplewick?

(The Doctor gestures to the Waiting Room door.)

POPPLEWICK: No! No, not through there. Mister Chambers is across the courtyard, sir.
GLITZ: If he isn't, there'll be one bureaucrat less in the Matrix.

[Outer office]

DOCTOR: Ah, just a minute. You won't be needing this, Mister Popplewick.

(The Doctor removes the quill from behind Popplewick's ear.)

GLITZ: Very astute of you, Doc. You should live a long time.
DOCTOR: I already have. Over nine hundred years.

(Glitz and Popplewick leave.)

MEL: What's the secret?
DOCTOR: Secret, Mel? What secret?

[Courtyard]

DOCTOR: You know, I am beginning to realise that I have misjudged Mister J J Chambers, alias the Valeyard.
MEL: Not for the first time. In fact, how you've managed to survive nine hundred odd years beats me.

(Mel and the Doctor walk between Glitz and Popplewick.)

GLITZ: We had an agreement. I've done my bit. I've delivered the Doctor.

(Popplewick holds out his hand for the gun.)

GLITZ: Uh uh. The Matrix memory tapes first.
POPPLEWICK: Oh, very well.

(They swap the gun and the tape box.)

GLITZ: Tell the Doctor I didn't sell him down the Milky Way for nothing.
POPPLEWICK: I'm sure that will be a consolation to him in his final moments.

(Popplewick fires his gun at Glitz. Glitz holds up the ball that should have been in it.)

MASTER: Very astute, Sabalom Glitz, but this is loaded.
GLITZ: What's that for? I thought we trusted each other. I was on my way to see you.
MASTER: My trust of you is in equal proportion to your trust of me. The TARDIS is over there.

(Glitz and the Master run into the pedestal of the statue of Queen Victoria and it dematerialises.)

[Engine room]

(A lovely big Victorian steam engine is turning a large wheel and belt.)

DOCTOR: Oh, doesn't it fill you with admiration, Mel, eh? Such craftsmanship. Pride in every cog and piston.
MEL: Doctor, there is another priority. The Valeyard, remember?

(Popplewick enters.)

DOCTOR: Yeah, how could I forget.
MEL: Where's Glitz?
DOCTOR: I don't know. Decided to stay outside on guard perhaps, eh, Mister Popplewick?
POPPLEWICK: Er, yes. I perceive Mister Chambers is not here. I shall go and find him for you, sir.
DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, you do that, Mister Popplewick.

(Popplewick leaves, and the Doctor starts looking through the various tools and implements on display.)

MEL: If I knew what you were looking for, maybe I could help.

(The Doctor shushes her and runs after Mister Popplewick with a piece of string. Popplewick returns through a door marked Danger.)

POPPLEWICK: I'm awfully sorry, sir. I don't seem to be able to locate Mister Chambers.
DOCTOR: Yes. Well, I rather thought you might have some trouble. Who's that?

(Popplewick turns and the Doctor grabs his arms.)

DOCTOR: Don't just stand there, Mel, help me!
POPPLEWICK: Unhand me! Stop!

(They tie Popplewick's hands behind his back and to an iron railing.)

POPPLEWICK: This is preposterous. You will regret this. Mister Chambers will demand an explanation for this iniquitous, this wicked behaviour.
DOCTOR: Well, let's ask him, shall we?

(The Doctor pulls the mask off Popplewick to reveal the Valeyard, then removes the Victorian costume.)

MEL: How did you know?
DOCTOR: The performance was too grotesque to be real. I have never been able to resist a touch of the Grand Guignol. Have we?
VALEYARD: You'll soon have ample scope to indulge in melodrama.

(Mel goes to the door marked Danger.)

DOCTOR: Really? Why?

(She opens it to reveal a mixture of modern and Victorian technology.)

MEL: A megabyte modem.
DOCTOR: A maser.
MEL: A maser?
DOCTOR: An acronym, for microwave amplification and stimulated emission of radiation.
MEL: But what does it do?
VALEYARD: Yes, Doctor. Enlighten us. Disseminate the news.
DOCTOR: Disseminate? A particle disseminator?

(As he speaks, the Valeyard quietly works to free his hands.)

VALEYARD: The ultimate weapon. Even subatomic particles, gravitons, quarks, tau mesons, all completely disseminated.
MEL: Destroy us and you destroy yourself. What's the joke?
DOCTOR: I've just realised. My writing. Our writing. A hit list.
MEL: But how? These Time Lords, or supreme guardians of the law, as you called them, are all in the trial room, and we're in the Matrix.
DOCTOR: The Matrix screen. Mel, get back to the trial room. Tell them to disconnect the Matrix screen and evacuate the court.
MEL: But I can't leave you
DOCTOR: Go! Do it, or there'll be mass murder.
VALEYARD: Bwahahahahahaha!

[Trial room]

(The Keeper of the Matrix enters.)

KEEPER: My lady, an urgent message. The High Council has been deposed. Insurrectionists are running amok on Gallifrey.
MASTER [on screen]: Thank you, Keeper. That is the news I'd been awaiting. Listen carefully. I have an edict to deliver. Somewhere the Valeyard and the Doctor are engaged in their squalid duel. With luck, they'll kill each other, but that is a mere coincidental occurrence. What I have to impart is of vital importance to all of you. Now that Gallifrey is collapsing into chaos, none of you will be needed. Your office will be abolished. Only I can impose order. I have control of the Matrix. To disregard my commands will be to invite summary execution.

[Master's TARDIS]

GLITZ: Now that you've purged that from your system, can we get on? Load the cassette.
MASTER: You really are the archetypal philistine.

(The Master loads the Matrix tape into his TARDIS console base.)

MASTER: Moments such as this should be savoured.

(He turns it on, and he and Glitz are pushed away from the console by waves emanating from it. Their world turns black and white and their voices start to slow down.)

GLITZ: Wha? What's happening?
MASTER: A limbo atrophier.
GLITZ: A limbo atrophier?

(The Master and Glitz are pressed up against the console room walls, with looks of horror on their faces.)

[Engine room]

VALEYARD: You are elevating futility to a high art. There's nothing you can do to prevent the catharsis of spurious morality.
DOCTOR: If you could compile this monstrosity, it follows that I should be able to unravel it.

(Bang, sparks.)

[Trial room]

(Mel rushes in. The Master's look of horror is frozen on the screen.)

MEL: Disconnect the Matrix!
INQUISITOR: We cannot switch off without the Keeper, and he's not present.
MEL: Then get out of here, quickly. Your lives depend on it.
(The guards are out first, because they're closest to the door.
In the Matrix, the Valeyard finally frees himself as the Doctor unscrews a brass connection, throws a switch and the contraption bursts into flames.
The Matrix screen explodes, sending energy bits rushing through the courtroom over the heads of the cowering Time Lords, Inquisitor and Mel.)

[Engine room]

DOCTOR: Eureka! And you said it couldn't be immobilised.
VALEYARD: What have you done?
DOCTOR: Induced an anti-phase signal into the telemetry unit. The whole system should self-destruct.
VALEYARD: You blundering imbecile. You triggered a ray phase shift that may amass a feedback into here.

(The Valeyard pushes the Doctor to the floor.)

DOCTOR: No!

(The energy bits start to enter the Engine room.)

VALEYARD: No. It's too late!

(The Doctor runs out into the courtyard while the Valeyard collapses by his machine. The Fantasy Factory explodes.)

[Trial room]

(With the final explosion from the Matrix, it all goes quiet. Everyone starts to sit up again. The Doctor runs in.)

DOCTOR: Ah. Now, let me see. Where were we? I was about to be sentenced, I believe.
INQUISITOR: All charges against you are dismissed, Doctor. We owe you an immense debt of gratitude, which I can partly repay by telling you that the young woman, Miss Perpugilliam Brown, is alive and well and living as a warrior queen with King Yrcanos.

(We are shown Peri with a full head of hair standing with Yrcanos.)

DOCTOR: Ah. Verumnic.
INQUISITOR: Now then, once law and order have been restored, a new High Council will need to be elected. Can I persuade you to stand for Lord President again?
DOCTOR: Ah. Ah ha. I've a better idea.
MEL: He's going to suggest you stand.
DOCTOR: Indeed I am. And were there such a thing as an intergalactic postal vote, you'd have mine.
MEL: I shouldn't broadcast that, if I were you.
DOCTOR: Oh, you could do me one small favour, if you would.
INQUISITOR: Simply name it.
DOCTOR: When the Matrix is restored, you can do what you like with the Master, but exercise leniency with Sabalom Glitz. He's not beyond redemption.
MEL: Just don't let him anywhere near the crown jewels.

[Space station]

DOCTOR: Gallifrey doesn't have any crown jewels.
MEL: Right. A bracing glass of carrot juice.

(The Doctor unlocks the TARDIS.)

DOCTOR: Carrot juice?
MEL: And then we'll get you back on the exerciser.
DOCTOR: You know, I think I was rash in turning down that offer of the Presidency.
MEL: Come on.
DOCTOR: Oh. Carrot juice?

(They go into the TARDIS.)

DOCTOR [OC]: Carrot juice, carrot juice, carrot juice.

(The TARDIS dematerialises.)

[Trial room]

INQUISITOR: Repair the Matrix, Keeper. Requisition anything you need.
KEEPER: My Lady.

(The Keeper bows deeply as the Inquisitor sweeps past and leaves, then he turns to the camera and laughs. It is the Valeyard.)

Transcript originally provided by Chrissie. Adapted by TARDIS.guide. The transcripts are for educational and entertainment purposes only. All other copyrights property of their respective holders.

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