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“THE TERROR OF THE UMPTY UMS – WHEN THE MONSTERS LIVE IN YOUR HEAD”

Steven Moffat’s The Terror of the Umpty Ums begins in chaos. We’re dumped into the mind of a seemingly alien figure named Karpagnon—confusing, mechanical, analytical. The prose is intentionally cryptic and disjointed, making it feel like we’re trapped in the thought circuits of some strange, possibly robotic being. Questions arise fast: what is Karpagnon? Where are we? Why does he seem to be threatening something?

It’s frustrating. And that’s entirely the point. Because then comes the twist—and oh, it’s a good one. When the Doctor enters the narrative (with that familiar clever patter and a suspiciously disembodied voice in an earpiece), we start to piece together what’s really happening: Karpagnon is a boy. A deeply lonely boy named David, living in a children’s care home, who has invented this persona to cope with his reality. The “Doctor” he hears is imagined—his own internal compass, disguised as his TV hero.

THE DOCTOR WHO THEME AS MONSTER METAPHOR

The titular “Umpty Ums” are, delightfully, the opening notes of the Doctor Who theme song—rendered here as a child’s fearful shorthand for the unknown. But they’re also a brilliant metaphor for Doctor Who monsters in general, conjured in David’s head as both threat and comfort. The rhythm of the show’s theme becomes a psychological soundtrack to his imagined world—a world where he matters enough to destroy things, but also to be saved.

There’s a spiritual kinship here with Moffat’s early short story What I Did on My Christmas Holidays by Sally Sparrow, not just in form but in function. Both stories look at the show through the eyes of children, and how imagination becomes salvation. In Umpty Ums, the child’s voice is darker, but no less poignant. Moffat doesn’t flinch away from how horrible David’s reality is—but he lets Doctor Who be the reason David doesn’t give up.

AN ODE TO THE FANTASY THAT SAVES US

This is Doctor Who at its most self-aware and touching: a story that isn’t really in the Whoniverse at all, but about it—about how children (and, let’s face it, adults too) use the Doctor to fight their own monsters. It’s also a reminder that the Doctor isn’t just a character; she’s an idea, a moral compass dressed in eccentric clothes, whispering hope into the ears of those who need it.

📝THE BOTTOM LINE: 8/10

A moving, metatextual gem that hides real emotional resonance beneath layers of misdirection and clever concept. It’s classic Moffat—clever, funny, heartbreaking—and one of the more unique Doctor Who short stories ever written.

Now I’m not normally a Moffat fanboy. I actually think his writing is pretty hit or miss. But in 19 pages Moffat made me cry reading a 13th Doctor story. He pulls out all the stops doing it; this is the most Moffat has ever Moffatted, but this was really good.

This is Moffat at his best. A short, sweet story that manages to deliver a very human, emotional impact. I'm sure all of us on this forum are deep, devoted Doctor Who fans who have a connection to the show, books, audios, or whatever else that runs deeper than the average person and this story reminds me of why I love it and why the Doctor is a hero. At 19 pages and free to read, I think every fan should give it a read x

An excellent story, which across its extremely short number of pages manages to go to a great number of places emotionally and intellectually. The fact Moffat gave up his time to write something so humane, so sincere, so human for charity is a great credit to him.  It’s not a throwaway story. It is a solid and surprising idea.

Quite a good and surprisingly clever story that manages to convey a lot of emotional moments for only a short number of pages and features quite a twist ending that breaks the fourth wall. One of the best short stories to come out of the Lockdown collection