The Maltese Penguin

This is part of a series of reviews of Doctor Who in chronological timeline order.

Previous Story: Project: Twilight

This story is silly and absurd in all the right ways. It's fitting for one of the most absurd companions, a shapeshifting penguin private eye. He's a perfect parody of the cynical film noir detective and the brilliant narration by Robert Jezek really brings this homage to that era of detective fiction together. While the Doctor isn't present for a good chunk of this, Colin Baker very much is as Frobisher takes on the Doctor's form as a disguise in his investigation. As a brit, I can't speak too much on the quality of Colin Baker's accent, but it was very funny and I personally thought it was quite good. This story feels like it could be a precursor to the companion chronicles.

The plot was simple but enjoyable. It was very meta, with Frobisher mentioning the tropes of sci-fi and "private eye" stories. Even the MacGuffin of the story was meta with all the characters only referring to it as a "something". I really liked the character of Josiah W. Dogbolter, he was fun as a generic mob boss/gangster character and was performed quite well by Toby Longworth.

Overall, a fun little story. It's a shame this was the last appearance of Frobisher on audio.

Next Story: The Holy Terror

I just loved The Maltese Penguin. While nothing overly substantial in terms of story, it was a pitch perfect homage to film noir. Frobisher is also just such a fun idea for a character, too. I wish we got more of him or other weird aliens travelling with the doctor, especially in alternative media from television where this sort of thing can be explored more in the future.

I really liked how the lady turned out to be Francine, Frobisher's ex-wife. That was a funny little part of the mystery, and I liked all the characters in this story. The idea of this world being hostile to an original idea and the whole economy collapses in the face of it was entertaining, too. There's just enough details and ideas here to make it easy to follow the audio from start to finish. Robert Shearman remains a rock-solid writer in just about anything with his name attached to it that I come across.

It’s 2002. We’re a long way from Christopher Eccleston and the leather jacket, and Doctor Who is still a niche interest science-fiction property consigned to novels and audiobooks. The TV Movie has happened, and everyone who saw it is desperately hoping it won’t Happen Again. It’s a dark time to be a Doctor Who fan. Perhaps. I’m not sure, I was only nine years old. Nobody in my life was a huge fan of the show, and so whatever was going on in that wide weird universe, it all went unnoticed by me, including the release of The Maltese Penguin.

Being nine years old at the time, I would only have been seven when the precursor to this story, Robert Shearman’s sublimely warped The Holy Terror shipped to an unsuspecting listening public and (I can only imagine) left everyone staring at their early 2000s combination sound systems agog, trying to wrap their heads around what they’d just heard. Seven is far too young to have money for CDs and fancy combination sound systems, you see. For that, I can only be grateful; I was a somewhat sensitive child, and I’m sure that story would have left me with anxious nightmares of floating murderer babies and cultish hierarchies for weeks.

The Maltese Penguin, though, released two years later and also by Shearman, would have been far more suited to my seven-to-nine-year-old tastes. I don’t mean this in any way as a flat criticism; I thoroughly enjoyed The Maltese Penguin, but it has to be acknowledged that this is a radical departure from Frobisher’s previous appearance and might have confused listeners coming in for more of the same. This is a straightforward send-up of pulp and noir fiction, exactly the sort of thing you imagine early-90s Patrick Stewart would absolutely have a blast in until the holodeck malfunctioned and tried to kill him.

There’s a corrupt cop, a mysterious beautiful woman that the script gets to luxuriate (read; perv) over and an indiscriminately violent crime boss, complete with slow talking lumbering sidekick. Anyone who has read a pulp noir novel, heck, anyone who’s ever seen any television show that ever ran long enough to parody the genre (and trust me, there’s a lot) will know what’s going on here. The only real diversions we take from the form are, of course, the elements that tie this into the Doctor Who universe.

So, what do we have to tie it in? Arguably, this could be taken as one of the first ever “Doctor-lite” episodes, that modern money-saving venture that’s given us such classics as Blink, 73 Yards, Dot And Bubble, and of course, Cyberwoman. Colin Baker’s Sixth Doctor is barely in this, having but a few cameos at the beginning, midpoint, and end. His sheepish desire to have his friend Frobisher back is underplayed well by Colin, but it’s difficult to buy Frobisher’s desire not to come back, especially when we’re not really provided much context for why Frobisher would leave in the first place. There’s an argument to be made that this story slots into canon after The Holy Terror, but it appears that the two larger timelines, Rassilon bless their lunatic endeavors, are a little at odds over which one comes first. For my money, the story makes a lot more sense if you position it there, but not a lot in the story explicitly says so. It’s far more interested in hitting all the correct genre beats; the clifftop execution, forcing our hero to rapidly shape-change as he plunges towards the ocean, is heart-pounding stuff, but it’s balanced against an awful lot of standing around expositing. It’s audio, of course, so there are some concessions to be made, but when at least some of the expositing is coming in Robert Jezek’s Frobisher voice, an acquired taste to say the least, and then yet more of it is coming in Colin Baker’s pretty wobbly approximation of Robert Jezek, an impression OF a dodgy accent, it’s easy to lose what’s actually happening in the swirl of dubious space Brooklynites.

While I am on the subject of vocal work though, I have to pay a lot of credit to Toby Longworth, who here plays Dogbolter with a sly relish. Considering Dogbolter is a frog person, there was always going to be a risk that they played his character with some sort of voice altering synthesizer module, Nicholas Briggs giving him a sonorous croak that made him impossible to understand. Toby Longworth, by this point a Big Finish veteran appearing in many Main Range stories, is allowed to just let his voice and performance do the work, and as a result his villainy is far more grounded and, frankly, comprehensible.

Robert Shearman is a writer who I think works best when he’s allowed leeway to write a twisty-turny script full of unexpected revelations and diversions; I think perhaps that as well as Frobisher’s built-in backstory as a private investigator led him in this direction. Sadly, I don’t necessarily think it suits him. The most interesting part of this story is the big reveal; that Dogbolter has the planet rigged, its economy never creates anything, it just keeps generating him a steady profit by existing, doing absolutely nothing. The “Something” they are all looking for is literally just that, something somebody made, and it has the capacity to crash their entire economy. That’s a far more interesting idea space to play in, one that almost feels wasted as the big reveal at the end of a fairly pedestrian genre pastiche. Almost as if he can’t help himself, Robert ups the complexity by having Alicia Mulholland, the spicy femme-fatale, reveal herself to be Frobisher’s Whifferdill ex-wife in disguise, allowing them to have a tearful reunion before an even more tearful departure.

This is seeded early in the story – Frobisher is clearly mourning somebody, but when he chooses to go with The Doctor anyway, and when the emotional beat is two penguins hugging their love out in a rain-soaked space mystery, it’s hard to take it all seriously. And truly, I don’t think we’re supposed to. That’s why I’ll happily loop it around and say that at nine years old, I would have loved this. It’s fast-paced, it’s fun, it has exactly enough edge to make it feel mature, but none of the real inherent darkness that the Big Finish Main Range was doing at the time.

Am I one of the people who wants Frobisher back? Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. I think, actually, in this big year 2024, post Space Babies and in the Disney era, it would be an incredibly dangerous idea to introduce Frobisher to the wider fandom. Imagine the uproar – “DISNEY FORCES WOKE SHAPESHIFTING PENGUIN INTO TARDIS, AND HE’S AMERICAN?”.

6️⃣⏹️ = FINE!

Thworping through time and space, one adventure at a time!

“IF HUMPHREY BOGART WAS A PENGUIN!”

Released in 2002 as a subscriber bonus alongside Neverland, The Maltese Penguin brings back Frobisher, the talking private detective penguin (previously heard in The Holy Terror), as he takes on a new mystery to solve. The story is told in a similar vein to a traditional film noir crime mystery, and while it also briefly features Colin Baker’s Doctor it is very much Fobisher’s story.

Frobisher’s tongue-in-cheek narration and the groovy music build a recognisable noir atmosphere, and this is further strengthened by the very typical story structure (the detective presented by the case and then slowly working to solve it, mostly by interrogating people and explaining their thoughts to the listener through the narrated sections). Robert Shearman writes great dialogue, and his descriptive scenes, coupled with a healthy pinch of black humour and witty remarks, carry many scenes beautifully.

Robert Jezek’s swinging accent could feel a bit too much for some, but I quite like it. There are other distracting voices among the guest cast, though, such as Alistar Lock’s Chandler or Jane Goddard in yet another over-the-top performance as Mulholland. Colin Baker appears in all three or four scenes and is hardly relevant to the plot.

The story itself keeps twisting and turning and moving forward but is hardly very memorable. The apt take on a crime noir story makes it somewhat enjoyable, though. Still, some of the comedy and mystery introduced in the first act feel less effective by the third, and the lengthy conversation scenes suck a lot of tension out of the story. The fact that we never explore the characters or the world deeper also means that the entire thing feels flat.

The Monthly Adventures #033½ - "The Maltese Penguin" by Robert Shearman

Ok, so I know this isn't technically a Monthly Adventure, and it fits more into the Sixth Doctor Adventures range rather than this one, but come on. It's a Shearman story I never listened to, with Robert Jezek returning from The Holy Terror as Frobisher, who I really enjoyed last time. And not only that, it was a riff on the film noir, something I had wanted out of Invaders From Mars five audios prior. Everything sounded right up my street, and it was another work from my favourite writer that I just hadn't discovered. So didn't I feel stupid when it turned out to be one of the most disappointing Doctor Who stories I've ever experienced.

Frobisher's the city's newest private eye, and it's not going well. Between the Doctor begging him to come back to the TARDIS and nobody but people with lost cats asking for his help, it seems his investigative endeavours have fallen flat. But when a beautiful woman with a deadly case walks into his office, can he do anything but say yes?

(CONTAINS SPOILERS)

Putting on The Maltese Penguin, I was expecting some big laughs, it seemed like Shearman was going for a full-fledged comedy and I was there for it, being a very vocal lover of his black-as-night humour. I wanted to see the Doctor Who take on the film noir, and I wanted to see Frobisher navigate what was sure to be a clever and twisty story. It was then around the ten minute mark, when we had done nothing but have numerous drawn out conversations in Frobisher's office, I remembered that I didn't like film noirs. This might sound idiotic: "What was I expecting?", but hear me out. I love the idea of a film noir: moody city, tortured detective out of his depth exploring a mystery where nothing is as it seems and everybody has something to hide. Conceptually, it's a gorgeous landscape for a story but then, almost without fail, every story seems to be a derivative mess, retreading the same plot beats and the same characters and becoming clichés in a line with a costume of an actual story draped over it. I was expecting this to be an updated take, with some sci-fi twists and Shearman oddities that changed the formula that was already out of style at the film noir's height of popularity. Instead, it's very much a faithful homage to the film noir, complete with all the genre's many shortcomings. One thing that remains clear is the aforementioned humour, which is nailed here. Not quite as black as I wanted it to be but the witticisms were still as sharp and the situations still as hilariously bizarre in that mundane little way British sci-fi loves to evoke. Plus, we have Robert Jezek back in the lead, who is as good here as he was in The Holy Terror, if not better; I don't know if it was him or Baker that was doing the Doctor-Frobisher, but if it was Jezek then hats off to him, he got all of Six's mannerism right. And opposing our lead is Josiah W. Dogbolter, played wonderfully here by Toby Longworth. Dogbolter, in my opinion, made for a brilliant foil and despite the lacking story he genuinely felt like a threat and was probably my favourite part of the whole thing. This quick to anger and self-important frogman with the universe under his heel makes for a brilliant noir villain.

But, as I said before, The Maltese Penguin is very much a love letter to the film noir, which I am personally not fond of. For one, that classic plot of a surly private eye out of his depth and deceived by all sides is not the best here. It felt like it was going through the motions and the mystery was barely even keeping my attention. And, besides from one reveal at the very end, I pretty much guessed exactly where the plot would go from the start. Plus, we're stuck on an unnamed planet in an unnamed city that we never get to see, no character is given to the setting and we never explore it, nor the things that go on in it. Outside of our cast, it's apparently a ghost town and Dogbolter's operation remains foggy to me - I'm still not entirely sure what he was trying to do (something about stopping people ever creating, it was explain poorly). Not to mention that we were lumped with a series of cartoon characters with some of the most annoying voice acting I have ever heard. Outside of Frobisher, Dogbolter and the Doctor, we have no single cast member I can enjoy, half the voices making me feel like my ear's being cut up with a cheese grater. And chief among them is Ms. Mulholland/Francine; no offence to Jane Goddard but I can't get behind her performances, they always feel oddly cartoonish and besides that, Ms. Mulholland is a play on the femme fatale character from old detective movies, which is an archetype I hate and I hate it just as much here. Every scene she was in was worse because of it.

This audio simply isn't for me. It's a genre I can't stand played faithfully with Shearman's worst script behind it, being a sluggish bore saved by some good laughs and a good lead. Luckily, it's only about an hour long but it's just a shame I took a break from the regular Main Range for this. It's not terrible but it's seriously lacking in plot and character.

6/10

Pros:

+ Shearman's comic leanings really get to shine through

+ Jezek lays on a hilarious and talented performance

+ Dogbolter was a genuinely good antagonist, with some fun ideas behind him

Cons:

- Very annoying cast with Ms. Mulholland chief among them

- The story, however "twisting" it may be, is somewhat predictable and dull

- Set in a world we never get to explore, especially with the lengths of Dogbolter's operation