The Goddess Quandary

Bernice Summerfield

#6.04. The Goddess Quandary ~ 2/10

◆ An Introduction

The universe is filled to bursting with religious nutters, so it’s not surprising that the Whoniverse has dived into the mythos and lore of said religions. It’s been around eight months since I last reviewed anything from this range, and I’m starting to remember why I dipped out of it…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Legend has it that the mighty warlord Aldèbrath will return to defeat the enemy of Imogenella. Should the need ever arise. When the monks of Etheria stumble across what they claim is Aldèbrath's last resting place it looks like the legend might come true. If nothing else the monk's could make some cash from tourism – perhaps even enough to repair the monastery roof. All they need is a certain professor of archaeology to verify their claim.

Simple.

You think? Bernice soon finds herself trapped in a race against death on an unstable planetoid where there's more to the tomb than meets the eye. Mind you, the monks aren't all they appear either… Oh, and Benny's old friend Keri wants in on the audience share.

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

My first adventure with Lisa Bowerman in around eight months… shame it’s not a better one. Her performance is decent enough, but the script is just boring beyond belief.

Benny has delayed the spaceship’s departure for thirty minutes. She claims it’s because she was unavoidably detained by some bureaucratic jobsworth from Port Authority, who refused to let her take her duty free allowance to Etheria due to “religious objections” (that didn’t stop her legging it to the ship with bottles of alcohol in hand though, did it?) According to her, travel light and move fast is the archaeologist’s motto.

◆ Bland VS Bad

It’s been well over half a year since I last reviewed anything from the ‘Bernice Summerfield’ range, and it’s blindingly obvious why. If you’re familiar with my reviews, then you’ll know that I’d actually prefer an outright bad story to one that is bland and boring; it’s better to hear a writer try and fail than hear them play it immensely safe and still fall flat on their backside!

◆ Watching Paint Dry

‘The Goddess Quandary’ defied expectations… by somehow being duller than watching paint dry, listening to Boris Johnson deliver a speech, eating a sandwich where the filling is dry bread, and many more things that make you feel like your brain is suffering from rapid entropy!

My process for writing reviews is to listen to the adventure twice – I write my opinions on the ideas and what-have-you after the first listen. Then I focus on the details about the main characters, music and sound design the second time round. I feel so under-stimulated by the events of this script that I’ve paused the adventure several times, and went off to listen to a guy in VR-Chat do Furry ASMR instead, because that is less aggravating.

Whilst I still have a slither of enthusiasm left for this review, let me tell you about the story for this adventure. Benny basically gets called to the planet Etheria after the tomb of a lost god has reportedly been found. She is accompanied by journalist friend Keri, who made a bit of a career blunder and is looking for any way to get back to the big-leagues… including putting Benny in danger. The fabled God Aldèbrath is soon found to be a female; the very Goddess whose name Benny takes in vain on several occasions.

There might have been more of a story to ‘The Goddess Quandary’, but my brain must have disengaged by that point.

◆ Sound Design

The soundscape for this release was pretty abysmal… a word I never expected to use when discussing Simon Robinson!

Bustling crowds on the Braxiatel Collection celebrate another Liberation Day; another year since the Fifth Axis were defeated. Violent thunderstorms ravage a planet where Benny is creating another documentary. The ear-grating electronic bleeping of a robot stewardess. The tacky jingle of Keri’s news broadcast. The synthetic, feminine voice of Aldèbrath.

◆ Music

The score for ‘The Goddess Quandary’ is also being handled by Simon Robinson… and it made absolutely zero impact on me. What a complete waste of time.

◆ Conclusion

“This is one story everyone will take notice of!”

What a wonderfully ironic quote when applied to this release! It’s been around eight months since I last attempted to review anything from this range, and I’m starting to remember why I gave up.

Benny and an old journalist friend of hers get mixed up with a bunch of religious nutters, who believe those who worship the fabled Goddess to be heretics… but it turns out that their own God is actually said Goddess. Something, something, televangelists. Something, something, cloned monks.

‘The Goddess Quandary’ was one of the most bland and boring BigFinish releases that I have ever listened to, and I’m so happy that it can now be left to gather dust on a shelf in my collection for the rest of time! It’s got absolutely no significance on the greater plot of the series, so please don’t waste your money on this one.