Thanks I hate it

Doctor Who – The Lost Stories

#7.01. The Ark ~ 1/10

◆ An Introduction

I was all for the decision to resurrect this range in 2019, but almost every release since has been absolutely atrocious! Nowhere is this absence of quality more noticeable than in Series 7: don’t worry, we will be discussing ‘Daleks! Genesis of Terror’ eventually.

But what about the other ‘Lost Story’ from 2023, the one based upon John Lucarotti’s original script for ‘The Ark in Space’? People seem to have ignored this release entirely, so let’s see if anything can be salvaged from this lacklustre seventh series.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

A space station orbiting Earth has lain dormant for 8,476 years. Its systems are clogged with dust, so the human crew kept frozen in cryogenic storage have never woken up.

When the Doctor, Sarah and Harry arrive to resuscitate the sleepers, they discover something else on board. A small, golf-ball like object gives Harry an electric shock, and has a more sinister impact on the awakening crew. Soon, the Doctor and his friends are battling to save the space station – and Earth – from a ravenous puffball!

◆ The Fourth Doctor

John Lucarotti wrote this script when the character of the Fourth Doctor was intended to be an older gentleman reminiscent of Hartnell, which would certainly explain why the characterisation is jarringly different. Gonna be honest, and say that I’m really not a fan.

Some questionable choices were made by Tom Baker in this release, and it’s baffling that nobody told him to reign things in a bit: he sounded half-cut throughout episode one, as he educated his companions on the space-faring version of Noah’s Ark. This is easily one of the most self-indulgent performances I’ve encountered.

When travelling in time and space, if you don’t know what something is, don’t touch it!

◆ Sarah Jane Smith

The only thing I can remember Sarah doing in ‘The Ark’ is clambering through ventilation shafts… something she also did in the far superior televised version of this adventure. BigFinish really aren’t beating the allegations about this series being a cash-grab!

Sadie Miller does a magnificent job at capturing her mother’s voice, but her talents are honestly wasted on this mediocre script.

◆ Harry Sullivan

Anyone that’s read my recent Seventh Doctor reviews will know that I’ve grown really rather fond of Harry over the past few years, so I’m going to be completely upfront with you all and say that he deserved better than this.

Despite getting a sizeable amount of the script to work with, Christopher Naylor’s performance felt pretty lifeless. It’s unfortunate, because I know he is capable of much better than this… though I can’t really blame him given the absence of quality in ‘The Ark’.

He knows a corpse when he sees one. Harry believes that when you’ve served tea on the high seas you can cope with anything.

◆ The Decline of the Lost Stories

Procrastination well and truly took over during this review, because it’s taken me several weeks to get it done. The recent selection of classic adventures featuring minimal edits, before having the ‘Lost Stories’ branding slapped on them, have been pretty abysmal. Some people have described them as alternative takes, but they’ve clearly confused “alternative” with deep-fried horse excrement! Seriously though, all the small alterations made to ‘The Ark in Space’ for this release just made it worse… which makes you wonder what the point was?

◆ Sound Design

What an insufferably dull soundscape. Did everyone working on ‘The Ark’ forget they were getting paid for this? Literally everything in this release is dire!

The whirring of an automatic door. Bleeping consoles as the Doctor checks the Ark’s systems. The squelching disembodied head of the Delc.

◆ Conclusion

“So as you became brains without bodies, they became bodies without brains!”

Have you ever encountered a script so insufferably awful that you feel yourself physically itching with irritation, begging for the whole experience to be over? That’s genuinely how I felt reviewing ‘The Ark’.

The concept of a director clearly went out the window for this release, because Tom Baker delivered the most self-indulgent performance I’ve ever encountered. He sounded half-cut throughout most of the runtime, and I actually felt embarrassed for him: this national treasure acting like he’s just suffered a nervous breakdown, before being bundled into a recording booth! Chris Naylor’s performance completely flatlined, and it seriously felt like Sadie Miller was the only one trying. Shame her talents were wasted on such a horrendous script.

Somehow, ‘The Ark’ managed to be on par with the cash-grabbing nonsense released alongside it. There are very few releases that bring me out in hives and make me want to daytime drink, but this actually managed it. You know things are really bad when I would rather be re-listening to ‘The Dark Husband’! I sincerely hope BigFinish have learnt their lesson, because this entire series was just sponging off of Tom Baker’s reputation to make some quick cash.