Retirement Plan

Torchwood One – Latter Days

#3.01. Retirement Plan ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

The previous two sets had an overarching story – whether that be Rachel Allan’s glorious plans to take over the Institute, or WOTAN’s second attempt at taking over the planet – but ‘Latter Days’ is something different.

Each of these stories are united under a few different themes; the dying days of Torchwood One, retirement, and loss. It’s pretty obvious that this was intended as a possible conclusion to the range, before it was revived two years ago.

We’re kicking things off with Gareth David-Lloyd’s second script for the series, and it just so happens to be one of my favourites!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Torchwood’s Head of Alien Acquisitions is retiring. But there’s something very wrong in the idyll of El Cielo. And it’s going to kill Ianto.

◆ DISCLAIMER

It was only after pre-ordering ‘I Hate Mondays’ that I was made aware of the Islamophobic and transphobic rhetoric that Tracy-Ann Oberman continues to share on social media.

For this reason, I will not be purchasing any further releases featuring Oberman. I refuse to support someone with such despicable views.

I previously covered the first four sets for TimeScales, so will be porting those reviews over to this site: each of them will carry this disclaimer. They were all written prior to May 2023. Please remember not to take any of my comments in this review about Oberman’s performance – positive or negative – as condoning her frankly awful views.

◆ Ianto Jones

Gareth David-Lloyd scripts usually skew towards the comedic, and sometimes the utterly bizarre. This entire episode feels like it was written so that Ianto could live out his James Bond fantasy, and I am completely OK with that. The material he’s given himself is utterly marvellous.

‘Retirement Plan’ is one of my favourite things BigFinish have ever released, so I could easily discuss it for hours on end. Gareth David-Lloyd has delivered his best performance to date.

Ianto doesn’t want to get involved in anything that will betray Yvonne’s trust. Tommy describes him as being straight edged, reliable, and consistent: he always finishes the job… so who better than him to look after the Head of Alien Acquisitions in his retirement? Ianto practically has a mental breakdown after hearing about El Cielo, and even considers taking retcon to ensure his record remains spotless. He claims not to mind if the wife isn’t ready yet… until he claps eyes on her, and is mortified to discover she’s based on Yvonne! It’s amazing hearing him live out his James Bond fantasy within the simulation. He’s just a big nerd, and I love him all the more for it.

◆ Tommy Pierce

‘Retirement Plan’ was the episode where Tommy stopped being a supporting character in this range. It greatly fleshes out his backstory whilst giving him some excellent material. David-Lloyd clearly adores this character as much as we do.

Timothy Bentinck is possibly my favourite performer from this range. That might have something to do with the cod-Northern accent he puts on when playing Tommy, and the fact it reminds me of people I’ve known all my life. He delivers his greatest performance in ‘Retirement Plan’, and genuinely had me in tears towards the end.

Tommy is giving out a load of his top tips, leaving behind all the book of pointers: a simple guide so Torchwood don’t get themselves killed when he’s gone. He’s not dying… but he is killing himself next month; thought he’d do it before old age gets the better of him. Within the simulation, he’s younger and healthier… and decides to prove it by trying to have a scrap with Ianto! Tommy’s whole bloody career has been a high stakes adrenaline rush: being able to wake up in the morning and not worrying if he’ll make it through the day is a luxury he has never had. He might be an alcoholic, but he can drink as much as he likes in El Cielo, and only ever be happy drunk. Tommy is absolutely mortified when Ianto discovers the simulated wife is based on Yvonne, and tries his damnedest to shut the thing down to avoid embarrassment. He doesn’t fancy Yvonne, and it was as much a surprise to him as it was to Ianto: while he was horrified at first, the only other option was to make the wife into another copy of Jerky John! Tommy has given everything to Queen and Country, and it’ll be fifty years next month; he’s clearly depressed about growing older, and sometimes just wants to chuck himself down the stairs in Canary Wharf. He once told his wife everything about Torchwood, because he couldn’t stand lying anymore… but the next day, she couldn’t remember a thing: she’d been retconned by the Institute. He didn’t try telling her again, just lived with the secrets, and it cost him his marriage and led to his alcoholism. The final scenes within the simulation with Tommy genuinely had be bawling my eyes out, as the simulated wife takes on the guise of his ex-wife and they talk about the life they could have had; a cottage in the Cotswolds with stone-flagged floors and white washed walls, two comfy floral armchairs, and a fire to toast slabs of home-baked bread on. Their giant Newfoundland, Lola, who they treat like a baby since they’ve got no kids of their own. He’s happy to have that moment, that memory… but claims he can go to El Cielo when he’s ready to die.

◆ Yvonne Hartman

Despite barely appearing in this episode, David-Lloyd still has a lot of fun making every female character within the simulation take on Yvonne’s guise.

‘Retirement Plan’ showcases just how much range Tracy-Ann Oberman has as a performer. She gets to play all the different psychotic characters within El Cielo, each with a variety of questionable accents! It’s honestly pure camp, and I love it.

Yvonne is the head of an institution in charge of protecting secrets: she wouldn’t be very good at her job if she was unaware of the secrets under her own nose! Instead of pressing the big red button to release Ianto and Tommy from the nightmare of El Cielo… she organised a screening, and pretty much had someone from every department come down and watch the adventures within the simulation!

◆ Story Recap

Tommy Pierce has been working for Torchwood One since the 1950s, and now he feels like it’s time to retire… by killing himself and implanting his mind into an alien computer simulation!

Ianto has been roped in to keep an eye on things – checking the systems every few years to make sure that Tommy isn’t in some cyber Hell, or stuck with Jamie Oliver! He reluctantly agrees to help, on the condition that he sees the simulation with his own eyes.

El Cielo seems like a paradise: a place where Old Tommy can spend his time relaxing at his own Spanish haçienda, tending to his vineyard, and spending time with his computer generated wife… but when the duo realise that said wife is a complete psychopath, they know that some urgent reprogramming is required. If that wasn’t bad enough, the wife has taken on the guise of Yvonne!

◆ An Ideal World… Or Not!

Each episode of ‘Latter Days’ deals with the idea of retirement in different ways. David-Lloyd’s outing puts the focus squarely on Tommy as he contemplates killing himself, so that he can live out his dotage within a computer simulation. It’s a chance for peace and quiet: a chance to live the life that was denied him working for the Institute. Retiring to a simulated reality is actually a brilliant idea too: it basically means his new life in the sun will live on as long as the hardware does.

I appreciate how much time has been spent fleshing out Tommy’s retirement haven; this fictional stretch of Mediterranean coastline known as El Cielo. The gentle waves of the sea are only a stone’s throw away from his luxurious haçienda, the bar, and his personal vineyard. There’s even a guy walking around who hands out fresh oranges. It’s a tranquil, peaceful place… at least, it should be. Then the program begins glitching six ways from Sunday and turns the simulated wife into a psychopathic killer that tries dunking Ianto into a pit full of piranhas!

Various writers have dabbled with the concept of a simulated reality in the past. ‘Nightmare Country’ is a great example of this: it treated the computer generated world as this serious concept, and it resulted in a story that felt pretty dry and lifeless. Fair play to Gareth David-Lloyd, because he just takes the concept and makes it as bizarre as possible!

◆ Sound Design

Setting your episode within a simulated reality is basically a free invite for the sound artists to go wild! I take my hat off to Iain Meadows and Steve Foxon, because they’ve made El Cielo into a complete madhouse… and I LOVE it!

Processors and alien computer parts bleep away, all forming part of the El Cielo systems. Lapping waves and tweeting tropical birds in the picturesque simulation. Thunder rumbles in the distance. The sound of Tommy’s simulated children and Ianto throwing up blood. A crackling fire in Ianto’s spy simulation, inside a cabin atop the French Alps. We get a sequence that feels like a fusion of scenes from ‘A View to a Kill’ and ‘The Living Daylights’, as the many Johns ski after Ianto: toting automatic rifles whilst “Agent Jones” drives a snowmobile over a frozen lake! Travis the talking Ford Capri blows up in a really satisfying explosion.

◆ Music

I’m actually going to offer Blair Mowat some praise, because this is one of those rare occasions where he has actually composed some new music for a Torchwood play.

Tommy’s section of El Cielo features some gorgeous Spanish inspired music. It really helps you visualise this fictional slice of paradise by the Mediterranean; where the sun is always on the horizon and filling the sky with this burnt orange glow.

Ianto’s section of El Cielo features a completely different vibe. The music is inspired by James Bond, being somewhat reminiscent of the music for GoldenEye 64. It then transitions into what appears to be the Nightrider theme when he’s rescued by Travis: his talking 1985 Ford Capri!

◆ Conclusion

“And that’s all this is: a program.”

Tommy is planning on ending his own life, so that he can transfer his mind into a digitally constructed retirement haven. His plans are interrupted by his virtual wife: a psychopath who has taken on the guise of Yvonne, but with an atrocious Spanish accent! Meanwhile, Ianto Jones gets to live out his fantasy as a James Bond style spy: taking on a South African criminal mastermind… who is also based on Yvonne. If that wasn’t bad enough, everyone else in the simulation is based on “Jerky John” from human resources!

‘Retirement Plan’ is one of my favourite things BigFinish have ever released. The whole thing is pure camp, which had me in multiple fits of laughter… before tugging at my heart strings in the final scenes. Tommy is the main character of this episode, and he gets the best material.

Gareth David-Lloyd should be incredibly proud. This was simply immaculate, and a must listen for any Torchwood fan.