Virgin Missing Adventures

#003. Venusian Lullaby ~ 7/10

◆ An Introduction

Regular readers of my reviews will be aware that I love droning on about a little something called world-building. If you’re curious as to whether I’ll enjoy a certain book, flick through and look for juicy descriptions of unimaginable landscapes. Two authors have proven themselves to be exceptionally good in this department; Dave Stone (‘Burning Heart’) and Stephen Baxter (‘The Wheel of Ice’).

It must be nearly six years since I last read ‘Venusian Lullaby’ – my only recollection being those jawbreaking Venusian names! – so I’m basically approaching this book with fresh eyes.

Everyone keeps telling me that this book features some of the best world-building in the series. Here’s hoping everyone is right on this occasion!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

"You want me to help you eat your children?" Ian said.

Jellenhut's eye-stalks twitched. "How else would we remember them?"

Venus is dying. When the Doctor, Barbara and Ian arrive they find an ancient and utterly alien civilization on the verge of oblivion. War is brewing between those who are determined to accept death, and those desperate for salvation whatever the cost.

Then a spacefaring race arrives, offering to rescue the Venusians by moving them all to Earth — three billion years before mankind is due to evolve. Are the newcomers' motives as pure as they appear? And will the Doctor allow them to save his oldest friends by sacrificing the future of humanity?

◆ The First Doctor

Speaking as someone that’s covered five books featuring this incarnation already, I can definitely tell you that this is one of his better outings. Bleak and melancholic stories genuinely bring out the best in this Doctor, which probably explains why ‘City at World’s End’ is my favourite of his novels. Seeing him immerse himself in the culture of a dying world is genuinely fascinating, especially one as truly alien as Venus.

Susan’s departure from the TARDIS weighs heavily on the Doctor’s mind throughout this adventure, occasionally clouding his judgement. About a third of the way into the book, Ian finds himself kidnapped by the Rocketeer faction and, naturally, Barbara wants to do everything she can to help him. Unfortunately, the Doctor seems to favour uncovering the mysteries of the Sou(ou)shi over helping his companions. He comes across as cold-hearted in these scenes – and our resident history teacher rightfully gave him both barrels – but he’s clearly struggling without his granddaughter. Some genuinely excellent writing from Paul Leonard.

He’s not upset, not at all upset. The Doctor has always known that Susan would leave them. She is a grown woman now. It would no longer be right for him to detain her. He has released her to live in a way of her own choosing. The Doctor is as concerned about Chesterton as Barbara is, believe him. But don’t you think that the fate of a whole planet full of sentient beings is more important than the fate of one person? Like it or not, the Doctor has a responsibility to his companions. If he can’t get them home, very well. But at least he can look after them in the meantime. Or if he wont – if he’s too busy with his “mysteries” – then they’ll just have to look after themselves.

◆ Ian Chesterton

William Russell passed away quite recently, so I can’t help feeling a little bit sad reading this novel and knowing that he’s gone. The bloke was an absolute credit to Doctor Who, and I sincerely hope generations to come will enjoy watching his adventures through time and space!

You would expect the science teacher to cope quite well with alien environments, especially after travelling in the TARDIS for so long, but nothing could prepare Ian for the culture shock that awaited him on Venus. He didn’t take part in the traditional ceremony of remembering, and was understandably horrified by the effect it had on Barbara. Later on, Ian found himself wandering through a forest covered in petrol… and was nearly burnt alive for his troubles! Jellenhut – one of the native Venusians – thankfully came to the rescue, patching him up in the process. Ian found some common ground with her, and the two became good friends and allies in the fight against the Sou(ou)shi.

Ian had been telling a lot of lies about the Earth. Taking his inspiration partly from Marinus and partly from Skaro, he had described the petrified forests, the deserts of brown rock, the mountains of blue glass. He had described the burning heat of the day, the unbearable cold of night. He had described the chimerins, the great dust-storms that blew in the winter, shredding everything in their path. He had described the miserable existence of the few remaining Earth-people, buried in salt caverns underneath the remnants of seas. He had done such a good job that Barjibuhi had started asking about Mars as an alternative destination. Ian had told him that it was pretty dry there, too. Ian was beginning to feel sorry for the Venusians. It wasn’t their fault that their planet was dying: as far as he could understand from Barjibuhi, it was a natural process, caused by the steadily lengthening day. For the first time Ian felt doubt. It was becoming increasingly obvious that the Venusians were not at all like the Daleks; their ‘invasion’ was no more than a desperate attempt at escape. And he was, after all, three billions years in the past; if the Venusians went to Earth now, they would find no life more complex than single-celled organisms – possibly no life at all. Perhaps the Venusians had brought life to Earth, in which case, someone was going to have to help them. They were hardly going to get there in wooden spaceships. Ian understands what it’s like to be cut off from his own people. The Doctor isn’t of the same people as him and Barbara, and they’re not sure where he comes from. The point is, he isn’t able to take them home. Or at least, he says he isn’t able to. Barbara and him have to live in the TARDIS; they don’t have any choice about where they’re going to end up. They’ve had some fantastic adventures – he’s seen and done things he could never have seen or done on Earth, not if he’d lived to be a hundred. But it’s not having the choice. Sometimes they get near to their home, to the right place or the right time, so near you could almost touch it.

◆ Barbara Wright

Few companions have made quite the same impression on me as Barbara. She was always keen to see the good in all things, believing that there was sometimes more to situations than met the eye. The exception to this rule being the Daleks, of course: she rammed a truck through a whole roadblock of them!

Towards the beginning of the book, our regulars attend the funeral of Jikugihi Dharkhig: a respected Venusian philosopher. Barbara ate part of his brain during the traditional ceremony of remembering, however, the size of her portion was far too large for her metabolism. Dharkhig's personality remained within her mind for hours after the ceremony, allowing her intimate knowledge of Venusian culture during that time. Barbara makes great use of her alternate personality: it spoke through her during a speech which roused the Venusian people against the Sou(ou)shi.

After eating a block of spaghetti bolognese from the TARDIS food machine, Barbara is sent on a trip down memory lane. The only time she had Italian food as good as this back home was when she got the job at the school. Her father took her out to celebrate. The restaurant was called Vincenzo’s. They had red-and-white check tablecloths made out of Fablon, and straw flasks hanging on the walls. Barbara and Ian have seen things no one else in their time has seen, or will ever see. Ancient man; the Aztecs; the French Revolution; Skaro; Marinus. They’ll have that time, those memories. It occurred to Barbara that she hadn’t yet understood a thing that any of the Venusians had said. Just when you thought you’d got a grip on the meaning, the speaker would add another phrase, or another sentence, that made all of it into nonsense. Barbara is not Susan, nor is she a piece of Susan, whatever the Doctor told the Venusians. Neither is Ian. They’re people – people who are travelling with the Doctor, and through no choice of their own.

◆ Eat, remember. Eat. And Remember.

This book begins with our regulars attending a Venusian funeral, and we’re immediately treated to one of their strange customs: mourners are expected to attend a ceremony of remembering, where they would eat portions of the dearly departed’s brain. They would then experience a wave of flashbacks, witnessing memories from the perspective of the deceased. It all sounds rather morbid from a human perspective, but the back of the book did promise an utterly alien civilisation.

The Venusians themselves are as alien as their customs. I remember reading a review of this book on PageFillers which said they had “keyboard-sneeze names”, which I have to agree with. They had twelve eye-stalks in pairs; five arms and five legs. They could also leap several miles into the air, like they were enormous frogs catapulting themselves across the planet. Jim Mortimore is credited with the incredible drawing of a Venusian you see on the front cover, and all I can say is thank God this wasn’t intended to be a telly script! An attempt had already been made to create a truly alien civilisation during the black and white era; it involved several tubs of Vaseline being smeared over the cameras, whilst giant ants bumped into everything in sight. The budget needed to realise something like a Venusian would have been astronomical in 1965.

◆ Venusians at World’s End

Venus is a world living on borrowed time: the temperature of the sun is increasing, making it all the more difficult to live on the planet’s surface. Eventually, it would become completely uninhabitable. While many Venusians preached acceptance of their inevitable fate, various Anti-Acceptancer factions tried to devise ways of avoiding it, resulting in political unrest.

The Rocketeers believed their people could escape the rising temperatures of their homeworld by building rockets to emigrate to prehistoric Earth, something which proved very difficult, since Venus was metal-poor. The Water-breathers believed their people could escape the rising temperatures if they could live underwater, and were convinced the Doctor could teach them how to grow gills!

The Volcano People spent forty thousand years on a project that would trigger a series of volcanic eruptions. This would put large amounts of dust in the atmosphere, reflecting the sun’s heat and lowering the rising temperatures. If successful, they calculated it would give them another ten thousand years of civilisation.

The Below the Sun Believers were perhaps the most unhinged faction. They believed their people could escape the rising temperatures of their homeworld by – you guessed it – living beneath the sun! Hope they’ve got sunscreen with an SPF of one million.

◆ Conclusion

“Presidor, it is my duty to inform you that the Doctor is planning to kill us all.”

Venus is a world living on borrowed time: the temperature of the sun is increasing, making it all the more difficult to live on the planet’s surface. Eventually, it will become completely uninhabitable. But with the arrival of a spacefaring race, salvation could come sooner than expected…

Paul Leonard wastes no time in creating one of the most stunning and unique alien civilisations this franchise has ever seen. Venusian customs are frankly bizarre – the ceremony of remembering becomes a recurring theme throughout the book – but it leaves you wanting to learn more about them. Jim Mortimore is credited with the incredible drawing of a Venusian you see on the front cover, and all I can say is thank God this wasn’t intended to be a telly script! An attempt had already been made to create a truly alien civilisation during the black and white era; it involved several tubs of Vaseline being smeared over the cameras, whilst giant ants bumped into everything in sight. The budget needed to realise something like a Venusian would have been astronomical in 1965.

The major drawback of a book like ‘Venusian Lullaby’ is that almost too much time is spent on world-building – not a complaint I think anyone was expecting to hear from me! If you ignore all the finer details about this truly fascinating civilisation, then the story boils down to the Doctor and friends saving an alien race from extinction. That’s quite a basic premise for such a chunky novel, which would explain why I started losing interest by Book Four – The Grey Water Hour.

I really struggled deciding what to rate this book out of ten, because I want to adore the bones off it! There is so much juicy detail when it comes to Venusian society, and I think the companions are used incredibly well throughout… then you pass the halfway mark, and it becomes such a slog to get through! Paul Leonard has done a fantastic job with this book, but I sincerely believe that it should have been trimmed down during the editing stage.

Doctor Who – The Lost Stories

#1.04. The Hollows of Time ~ 1/10

◆ An Introduction

Have you ever encountered a script so incomprehensible that it makes you beg for a darkened room and some double-strength paracetamol? This range has been a near total washout up until this point, but things are about to get a whole lot worse.

Many people have been critical of the JNT/Bidmead era for grounding their scripts in real science, myself included, because it just sucked the fun out of so many stories. It wasn’t until I listened to the sixth series of ‘Fourth Doctor Adventures’ that I realised you could make something half-decent with this approach.

Bidmead still made the occasional contribution after being replaced by Saward, including a fan-favourite adventure featuring a race of giant snails who all appeared to be suffering from severe conjunctivitis! I genuinely couldn’t give less of a damn about ‘Frontios’, but someone thought we desperately needed a sequel.

This is going to be horrendous.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The Doctor and Peri have been on holiday, visiting old friend Reverend Foxwell in the sleepy English village of Hollowdean. But why are their memories so hazy?

Piecing together events they recall a mysterious chauffeur, who is not what he seems, and Foxwell's experiments that could alter the nature of reality. Huge sand creatures have been sighted on the dunes, and many of the locals are devoted to a leader known as 'Professor Stream'.

But who is Stream? And what lies within the Hollows of Time?

The Doctor will discover that not every question has a definitive answer…

◆ The Sixth Doctor

Listening to the interviews for this release was a real treat, because absolutely nobody could work out what was happening! ‘The Hollows of Time’ was going to be a very visual story, but most of these scenes have been replaced in this adaptation with reams of exposition for the Doctor to spout. If that wasn’t bad enough, he occasionally gets dialogue that sounds like incoherent gibberish – “a grasshopper mind let loose on the universe” means what exactly, Bidmead?

Colin Baker described this script as “labyrinthine” during the interviews, which is giving it far more credit than it deserves. It would be more accurate to call it deep fried elephant dung rammed through a letterbox, because the writing stinks. His performance was honestly painful.

They were there, but they have absolutely no idea what happened – feels like an accurate description of listening to this story! Discretion is the better part of travel, which would explain why they took the bus and the train to Hollowdean. The Doctor once had a mechanical dog, in another life: a loyal friend. According to Simon, he knows a lot of long words. If he knew what he was talking about, he would tell Peri.

◆ Peri Brown

Christopher Bidmead should look up the word “entertaining” in a dictionary, because having Peri lumbered with a spoilt brat and wandering through caves full of rotting Tractators is by no means entertaining.

Nicola Bryant appears to be the only member of the cast enjoying themselves. Her performance in ‘The Hollows of Time’ was half-decent, but she really deserved better material than this.

She can’t say that was much of a holiday. The Doctor has warned her about little green creatures lurking in the dark. Her name’s Peri, it means fairy: she turns up in crossword puzzles, not her personally, but her name.

◆ The All-Flowing Stream

Bidmead spent this entire script just waffling absolute horse [REDACTED]. Trying to fathom what actually happened was like attempting to do quadratic equations whilst blackout drunk! There was something about a time traveller attempting to create a quantum gravity engine – another piece of technobabble that means diddly squat – by utilising the Tractators, but that’s about all I could understand. There’s also a random classic Citroën that somehow managed to merge with the TARDIS… are you sure I’m not blackout drunk, because this sounds like the ramblings of a lunatic!

Speaking of the aforementioned time traveller, he was supposed to be the villain of this adventure. Can someone please explain to me then why he only makes a handful of appearances? I understand that Professor Stream was meant to be the Tremas Master – and that BigFinish weren’t allowed to confirm this because of conditions in their contract back then – but he generally does nothing! The real main antagonist should’ve been his android chauffeur, Steel Specs… that’s either the coolest name for a villain or the most melodramatic, I still haven’t decided which.

◆ Sound Design

‘The Hollows of Time’ features many scenes that would’ve blown a season long budget in minutes, so you can clearly see why this one got rejected. An effort has been made to bring these scenes to life on audio, like a 1930s Citroën flying through the time vortex, but this is generally a bland soundscape.

Feet squelching through muddy ground, as a bus comes to a stop near the TARDIS. The train rumbles along the tracks towards Hollowdean. Followers of the “All-Flowing Stream” gather outside of the church hall, the bell chiming in the background. The Doctor falls backwards into some rose bushes, rustling away as he tries to free himself. Foxwell’s robotic turtle whirrs around his workshop. The TARDIS morphs into a Citroën Traction Avant and begins driving through the time vortex. The Tractors make this disgusting squelching noise. Steel Specs activates the remote destruction device, causing the Citroën to disintegrate in the vortex… with the Doctor still inside! What remains of the Citroën comes crashing through Professor Stream’s garage.

◆ Music

Nigel Fairs’ use of woodwind instruments in the score feels like a deliberate callback to ‘Frontios’.

◆ Conclusion

“Goodbye to my faithful old car, and goodbye, less reluctantly to you, Doctor.”

Writing this review genuinely gave me motivation to start daytime drinking; necking copious amounts of Disaronno also makes my head spin, but at least I can have a fun time doing it! Bidmead spent this entire script just waffling arrant nonsense, meaning I hadn’t a clue what was going on half the time.

The performances are dire across the board, the soundscape is intensely boring, and the antagonist barely appears. Seriously, what was the point in having David Garfield turn up for about five scenes throughout the adventure when he does the square root of diddly squat?

I recently discovered that some people actually enjoyed ‘The Hollows of Time’. Clearly, they were handing out free lobotomies with the CD when they bought it!

Doctor Who – The Lost Stories

#1.03. Leviathan ~ 9/10

◆ An Introduction

You can usually pinpoint the reasons as to why these scripts never got made – over-ambition and budgetary concerns being the usual culprits – but sometimes you come across an adventure that ticks all the boxes, one which never should’ve been thrown by the wayside. That’s exactly how I feel about ‘Leviathan’.

Pursued through the woods by a demonic figure from Dark Age myth, the Doctor and Peri will soon discover that there is more to the village of New Haven than meets the eye…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

No one lives to old age in the village. When their Time is come, they are taken and never seen again. That is The Way. And, should anyone try to break with the established order of things, then the fury of Herne the Hunter is unleashed…

When the TARDIS materializes near a castle in this mediaeval society, the Doctor and Peri befriend Gurth, a terrified youth who is attempting to flee his fate. And Herne is closing in…

Why does the local baron impose the culling? What is the secret of Zeron? And who are the Sentinels of the New Dawn? The answers lie within a cave…

◆ The Sixth Doctor

Talking about this incarnation never gets boring, especially when the material is this good! From the moment he realises there is more to New Haven than meets the eye, he’s like a dog with a bone when it comes to seeking out the truth. He notices the little things, like how unexpectedly clean supposedly medieval houses are, and how peasants are somehow able to make white bread. Then there are the bigger things… like laser crossbows! Brian Finch has gotten his personality down pat, and gives him some excellent moments of action too: fencing with the Baron at around the forty minute mark was one of the Doctor’s many highpoints in ‘Leviathan’.

Colin Baker is firing on all cylinders throughout this adventure, making every scene he appears an utter delight to hear.

Landing is generally the safest thing to do when you have an in-flight problem. Unless there’s a village fête on somewhere, he’d say they were slap-bang in the Middle Ages: an interesting period in its way, but in increasingly small doses one finds. Medieval life was often short and nasty, according to the Doctor. People lived and died in exceedingly unpleasant ways. He thinks that Peri should’ve learnt from her travels with him that it’s not always advisable to get involved in something that’s purely a social problem. The Doctor changes his mind about helping Gurth when he discovers that the Herne biomechanoid was created by the Sentinels of the New Dawn… a name which clearly worries him! He believes that when you’ve seen one working castle, you’ve seen them all. The Baron remarks that his manner is that of a philosopher, yet his clothing belongs to a jester: such garb is inappropriate for the forest, he stands out too well. The Doctor has never shied from a just fight before, and he’s not going to now!

◆ Peri Brown

Someone has finally given Peri some decent material in this series, hallelujah! She spends a large portion of the runtime getting to know the Pariahs, and I found her friendship with Gurth highly compelling.

Nicola Bryant delivered an excellent performance for ‘Leviathan’.

She wonders if Sil and Rana Zandusia could’ve damaged the TARDIS when they stole it. Peri isn’t some ignorant peasant girl and refuses to be pushed around by someone like Osbert. She’s been in hundreds of scrapes worse than this, but she can’t do anything for Gurth stuck in a cage! Peri has been tortured, she knows what it’s like. She also knows that the lowlifes who do it are the sort who’ll only be encouraged to do it again if the Pariah don’t resist! She assures Wulfric that standing up to tyranny is always the right decision.

◆ The Medieval Truman Show

Peasant folk go about their business working under the shadow of a wealthy landowner in the nearby castle; all relatively standard for a medieval settlement, but the story keeps dropping subtle hints that everything here is stage managed.

Nobody seems to have knowledge of the wider world, while the Baron’s forces are armed with laser crossbows and robot dogs. There are passageways to steel-mesh corridors hidden away within caves, and a biomechanical interpretation of a Dark Age myth goes hunting for people in the woods. The houses are too clean, the food is too good. It all seems a bit “chocolate box”, as though everything here is for show.

Initially, the Doctor thought somebody had been tinkering with the timeline, but he could sense there was more to it. Then came the big reveal during the cliffhanger: everything from the woodland to the village had been constructed within the bowels of a giant spaceship!

The Leviathans defied belief even on the drawing board. A series of unimaginably vast spacecraft, they were mankind’s great hope in the mid 22nd century: the only way he could reach out beyond his own solar system to colonise new planets. Of course, that was before the invention of the interstellar drive. Several prototype Leviathans were constructed, but when photon speed travel became a reality they were left obsolete.

‘Leviathan’ feels strongly reminiscent of The Truman Show, if the set designers had spent an entire weekend binge-watching the first series of Blackadder! A stage managed reality where everyone living inside it is none the wiser. The whole concept is fascinating, and superbly handled by Brian Finch.

◆ Lost Sentinels

The Sentinels of the New Dawn were a secret society composed of powerful people conspiring to become even more powerful. ‘Leviathan’ introduces them as a background antagonist: the ones who created the biomechanical enforcer, modelled on Herne the Hunter, which goes round hunting people in New Haven.

The governments of Earth rallied against them, forcing them to flee our world. They stole a prototype Leviathan which they populated with clones and android overseers – all managed by a Zeron AI – and set a course towards the planet Phlegethon. The Sentinels remained in cryogenic sleep; the clones lived in their stage-managed medieval realm, being “recycled” before they grew too old to question authority… their nutrients being used to feed the frozen Sentinels!

Unfortunately for them, the Sentinels would never see their intended destination. The Leviathan was struck by a meteor storm, damaged, and floated off course for centuries. By the time it was discovered by the Doctor and Peri, all the stasis pods had failed, causing the Sentinels to die out.

◆ Master of the Wild Hunt

I adore when writers find some way to insert folklore into their adventures, because it adds flavour to the script. ‘Leviathan’ is no different, since peasant folk are being terrorised by a robot dressed up like a demonic figure from Dark Age myth!

The earliest written account of Herne the Hunter comes from Shakespeare’s play The Merry Wives of Windsor. Officially published versions of the play refer only to the tale of Herne as the ghost of a former Windsor Forest keeper who haunts a particular oak tree at midnight in the winter time; he is said to have horns, shake chains and cause cattle to produce blood instead of milk.

◆ Sound Design

A medieval settlement situated in the heart of the greenwood that seems almost too good to be true. Simon Robinson does a fantastic job at bringing New Haven to life, and manages to add a whole new dimension to his soundscape when the truth of this village is revealed during the cliffhanger.

Barking android dogs chase Gurth through the forest, while the master of the hunt sounds his horn: it sounds totally unnatural, much like the biomechanoid of Herne itself. Technical issues send the TARDIS careering out of control, before dropping our dynamic duo amongst the tweeting birds and woodland. Herne emits this bloodthirsty panting as he goes hunting for poor unfortunates; he snarls when he speaks, like some savage beast! The Doctor uses a knife to remove the synthetic flesh from the android dogs. The Baron’s men on horseback begin tracking the Doctor, galloping through the woodland around New Haven. Wulfric fires a bolt from the laser crossbow… causing an entire wall to crumble! The bellowing synthesised voice of Zeron barking orders at the Baron. A dank and echoing dungeon filled with squeaking rats. The clashing of edged steel as the Doctor engages in a fencing match with the Baron – can you imagine how cool this would’ve looked on screen? The rattling of a steel mesh floor as our dynamic duo explore the Leviathan proper. Several thousand volts of electricity are used to torture one of the Pariah.

◆ Music

Simon Robinson provides an understated score for ‘Leviathan’, one that perfectly matches the mystery and intrigue of New Haven.

◆ Conclusion

“Demonic figure from Dark Age myth. He pursued lost souls through the night, and usually caught them!”

Our dynamic duo find themselves in a medieval settlement at the heart of the greenwood, where the peasants are being terrorised by a biomechanical interpretation of Herne the Hunter. There’s something not quite right about this whole situation; nobody seems to have knowledge of the wider world, and there are passageways to steel-mesh corridors hidden away within caves. Hearing that the Sentinels of the New Dawn have something to do with the biomechanoid is all the impetus the Doctor needs to get involved… so where are they hiding?

Someone has created a self-sufficient medieval settlement within the bowels of a giant spaceship, and that’s such a fascinating concept! There are enough discrepancies to let you know something is wrong here – the houses are too clean, the food is too good, and the Baron’s men are armed with laser crossbows – but not enough to spoil that revelation. I made this comparison earlier in the review, but ‘Leviathan’ does bear a striking resemblance to The Truman Show, if the set designers had spent an entire weekend binge-watching the first series of Blackadder!

The salvage team are the only thing keeping this adventure from receiving full marks, because they had little in the way of personality or purpose. ‘Leviathan’ was damn near perfect, from beginning to end. Paul Finch done his father proud with this adaptation.

Doctor Who – The Lost Stories

#1.02. Mission to Magnus ~ 3/10

◆ An Introduction

‘Vengeance on Varos’ remains one of the most adored stories from Season 22. The Doctor and Peri found themselves on a world where torture and executions were broadcast to the public as prime-time entertainment, and the representative of the Galatron Mining Corporation was extorting the planet’s Governor into selling the valuable Zeiton-7 ore at a drastically reduced price.

A second adventure featuring Sil was intended to air the following year, where he would find himself allied with the fearsome Ice Warriors. Season 23 was unfortunately canned, undergoing several rewrites before ‘Trial of a Time Lord’ was unveiled. Sil still made an appearance, but the replacement story was drastically different, ending with what appeared to be the death of Peri!

Now we finally get to experience the events which unfolded on Magnus, and realise that some stories were honestly better off being lost…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The Doctor and Peri face enemies at every turn on the planet Magnus. There's the Time Lord bully Anzor, who made the Doctor's life hell during his time at the Academy. There's also Rana Zandusia, the matriarchal ruler of the planet, who seeks to prise the secret of time travel from these alien visitors.

Also on Magnus is the slug-like Sil, still bitter from his defeat on the planet Varos and seeking to make his fortune from the most potentially destructive ends. And, deep within the planet, there is something else. Another old enemy of the Doctor's. And the future is looking decidedly colder…

◆ The Sixth Doctor

Hearing the most ostentatious and egotistical incarnation of the Doctor cowering in fear was not something I expected. He goes on something of a miniature character arc in this adventure where he learns to stand up to his childhood bully, though being completely honest here, I could not give less of a damn about the Anzor plot.

You’ll rarely find me complaining about Colin Baker’s performance, but I think anyone would struggle with material this dire. Just another reason to skip over ‘Mission to Magnus’ entirely.

The Doctor starts trembling with fear the moment he recognises Anzor’s TARDIS, making him hide under the console like a scaredy cat.

◆ Peri Brown

Philip Martin cannot write for female characters. This adventure is blatantly sexist – which is something I will discuss more in-depth later in the review – and you’re genuinely left wondering if the writer just hated Peri. She is treat abysmally throughout, written to be purposefully aggravating so that the script can humiliate and torture her on-demand! Put simply, this material is terrible.

Nicola Bryant isn’t having much luck with this series. The previous script forgot her character existed, while this one just treats her like dirt… thank God things improve in the next adventure! Her performance in ‘Mission to Magnus’ is nothing special.

Peri claims that she’s used to following alpha males. She comes from another time, another world, where women are not quite the equals of men yet.

◆ Philip Martin’s Gender Commentary

‘Mission to Magnus’ feels incredibly dated because of its rampant sexism and strange risqué moments. I think that even by the standards of the mid 1980s, this would’ve led to some raised eyebrows!

Magnus is a matriarchal society who only use males for reproductive purposes. A small clan of them hide beneath the planet’s surface due to a virus that makes them blind and kills them before the age of twenty. One theory is that the condition is hormonal, meaning only women and aliens survive. Whilst all this is being explained, Anzor is quite clearly disgusted at the thought of having to deal with the female of the species. He’s easily one of the most unlikeable characters in this script, because he’s basically just an incel!

The neighbouring world of Salvac is a patriarchal society that have supposedly found an antidote to the gender-specific virus. They sent an invasion force to Magnus, which quickly got captured by the Ice Warriors… and they’re certainly a problematic bunch! Ishka almost immediately decides that Zandusia should become his wife, which leads to one of the most insensitive jokes in the episode.

I haven’t even discussed the Doctor’s psychic sex dream yet. I sincerely wish I was joking, but this is genuinely something that happens between him and a member of Zandusia’s retinue. Every time I think this script has reached the bottom of the barrel, it somehow punches through and keeps on digging towards the planet’s core!

◆ Martians on Magnus

I’m sure many of you purchased this adventure to hear the Ice Warriors teaming up with Sil… and that you were all disappointed to hear that they don’t turn up until the second part! Putting them on the front cover feels like such a sly decision, one made to lure in customers who were hoping for a big Martian adventure.

Their reason for being on Magnus is pretty underwhelming too: the Grand Marshall is planning on setting off a nuclear warhead to change the planet’s orbit, thus making it colder, leading to a viable new home for his people.

◆ Sound Design

A beautifully warm planet turned cold; it would’ve been nice if some effort was put into illustrating this with the sound design. All we get to explore are caves and ice caverns, making this one of the most forgettable audio landscapes I’ve encountered all year.

The TARDIS shakes and shudders as it’s dragged into the 24th century. The scanner is consumed with static as Magnus gradually appears on the screen. Sonic cannons are fired from the starship onto the surface of the planet below. Sil is bathed in water by his attendants, doing that disgusting laugh as it happens. Psychic harmony causes mind music to filter through the caves beneath Magnus. Ice Warriors begin firing their sonic weaponry, massacring the Salvacian prisoners!

◆ Music

There aren’t many positives with ‘Mission to Magnus’, but the gloriously melodramatic synthesised soundtrack is definitely one of them! Simon Robinson has created some of my favourite scores in the past, but his work on this range has been a particular highlight: I cannot wait to discuss his music for the Seventh Doctor ‘Lost Stories’ next series.

◆ Conclusion

“The despised creature who owns every last woolly jumper on the planet!”

The Ice Warriors are planning to detonate a nuclear warhead on Magnus to change the planet’s orbit, thus making it colder. That slippery customer, Sil, has teamed up with them, intending to make a killing in the woolly blanket trade when the planet becomes an ice box.

This sounds like the recipe for an exciting romp with two fan-favourite villains, but Philip Martin was seemingly more concerned with taking cheap shots at the concept of feminism. There’s an abundance of backward dialogue throughout the adventure, like when Anzor cringes in disgust anytime someone mentions women in power, or when Ishka threatens to bed Rana Zandusia! It genuinely baffles me that these moments weren’t removed, or at the very least toned down, when this adaptation was being produced.

There were several moments whilst writing this review where I just gave up and started listening to random ASMR videos, because I was desperate for something relaxing and enjoyable. Then I remembered that Philip Martin penned a sequel to this adventure, called ‘Antidote to Oblivion’, which makes me want to crack open the Disaronno early!

Sil spends the entire runtime whining, the Ice Warriors don’t show up until the beginning of part two and proceed to do the square root of diddly squat, and literally nobody cares about the Anzor subplot! You should absolutely skip ‘Mission to Magnus’, for the sake of your own sanity, if nothing else.

Doctor Who – The Lost Stories

#1.01. The Nightmare Fair ~ 6/10

◆ An Introduction

RTD’s decision to resurrect the Celestial Toymaker for the 60th anniversary was honestly inspired. He’s one of the most creative villains in the show’s long-running history, treating everyone as pawns in his twisted games. But there were plans to bring him back during the mid 1980s too!

Before that prat, Michael Grade, put the show on hiatus – leading to the conception of ‘The Trial of a Time Lord’ and the eventual sacking of Colin Baker – plans were well underway for Season 23. Grand adventures were being written that would take the Doctor and Peri from contemporary Singapore to the far-off world of Magnus, but most of these stories would never see the light of day.

Written by former series producer Graham Williams, ‘The Nightmare Fair’ was set to open the season. A reunion between the Doctor and the Toymaker, set against the backdrop of Blackpool Pleasure Beach…

Time for one final game!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The TARDIS has been drawn to Blackpool in the year 1985, where the Doctor intends to investigate a dangerous space/time vortex… while enjoying some local attractions along the way. But an old enemy is watching from his base deep within the amusement park, a timeless being who craves revenge.

The Celestial Toymaker has returned. The game is on. And, should he lose, the Doctor will pay the ultimate forfeit…

◆ The Sixth Doctor

I think most of us have become so accustomed to the mellowed out persona he’s adopted in the audio adventures that we’ve forgotten what a smug [REDACTED] this incarnation used to be! I honestly never had a problem with this version of the character and, bearing in mind when this script was written, it would be fair to say that Graham Williams did a fine job.

Colin Baker delivered a marvellous performance in ‘The Nightmare Fair’. Just listening to him exchange dialogue with David Bailie was massively entertaining, as they clearly had excellent on-air chemistry. Such a shame the actual material ended up having all the merit of a fart in a hurricane!

You can’t come to Blackpool and not go up Blackpool Tower! There’s nowhere else like it, nowhere in this galaxy anyway. They’re trying to build one out on the rim of the Crab Nebula, but the design concept is all wrong: they’re trying to build it for a purpose, something he clearly disapproves of. You can’t build a place like this for a mere purpose! Oh, don’t talk to him of fluid lines provoked by the ergonomic imperatives, or the strict adherence to the symbolic form, classical use of conceptual space: designer’s gobbledegook and architect's flimflam! The Doctor describes Blackpool Pleasure Beach as perfection; as genius; as classic frivolity. He could never understand all those sea-and-sand places Peri was talking about; taking a bath in sodium chloride and then wallowing on a bed of mica crystals? Extraordinary way to behave! Add to that long term exposure to ultraviolet, and you go a long way towards explaining the basic irrationality of the human race.

◆ Peri Brown

BigFinish have massively expanded upon the role the companion plays within their adventures, and nowhere is that more obvious than with Peri. One of my absolute favourite audios – ‘The Reaping’ – puts her at the forefront of events, delving deep into her backstory and giving her some emotionally harrowing scenes. Considering these scripts were made for television, I can’t really expect the same degree of depth with the companions… but Christ almighty, I expected her to do more than wander around an amusement park with some random pillock!

Since the script has her doing diddly squat, Nicola Bryant could easily have phoned in her performance for ‘The Nightmare Fair’, so credit where it’s due for still putting on a great show.

◆ Master of the Game

This adventure was intended to be the grand return of the Celestial Toymaker, though considering Michael Gough was in his nineties by the time this adaptation was produced, a recast was required.

David Bailie stepped into the role for ‘The Nightmare Fair’, and successfully put his own stamp on the character. He played the Toymaker as someone that’d been bored senseless by eternity, dreaming up deadly games to wile away the aeons. Prone to mood swings when things weren’t going his way, he also came across as a petulant and spoilt brat most of the time! Old beyond imagining, he would play games with his own past to ensure that his origins were shrouded in mystery.

Other versions of this character have been something of a mixed bag. Gough came across as monotone and boring. As for the most recent performer… there are only so many times you can hear Patrick Harris chanting “Und now everybody loves the balls!” before wanting to chuck a brick through your television! Bailie managed to find the perfect middle ground with his portrayal of the Toymaker, making him my personal favourite in the role… damn, I guess this means I have to check out ‘Solitaire’ now.

◆ Sound Design

Any adventure set amongst the attractions of Blackpool Pleasure Beach should feature a stunning soundscape. Then you realise that said locale is quickly thrown out the window, because the story wants to spend most of its runtime milling about the Toymaker’s nondescript factory!

The Toymaker’s laugh echoes through the amusements as he taunts another innocent that’s fallen foul of his games. Tacky fairground music drifts throughout the Pleasure Beach whilst seagulls squawk above the pier. A cackling electronic laugh can be heard coming from the ghost train, which actually reminds the Doctor of Mr Sin! Bleeping equipment from within the Toymaker’s factory. Peri lets out an adrenaline filled screech as she rides one of the many roller coasters. Spacey music emanates from the Galactic Adventure ride. The sound of game over during the Toymaker’s arcade game… resulting in the death of Yatsumoto.

◆ Music

Jamie Robertson transports us back to the mid 1980s by ramming a load of harsh synthesisers into his score.

There were several moments where the music reminded me of the ominous sewer scenes from ‘Attack of the Cybermen’ – which I rewatched only a few days ago now. Unfortunately, there’s no jazzy Lytton theme to be found in this adventure…

◆ Conclusion

“I detest caging even the wildest beast, Toymaker, but for you there is no other answer.”

The Toymaker has constructed his own arcade cabinet and plans on shipping it worldwide, but not before having one final game with his old opponent in Blackpool…

After spending thirty minutes milling around the Pleasure Beach and taking in the atmosphere, we switch locations to the Toymaker’s factory… and the entire story grinds to a halt as a result. There are sporadic mentions of the arcade cabinet being constructed, but the majority of the runtime is focused on the Doctor and Peri being locked in a cell with two comic relief characters and a growling monster!

What a tremendous mistake to review this story at midnight, when I’m desperate for my comfy pillows and some relaxing ASMR. I’m likely to fall asleep at my keyboard discussing something as boring as ‘The Nightmare Fair’!

The Diary of River Song

#2.04. The Eye of the Storm ~ 8/10

◆ An Introduction

It’s curtains down for Series Two, and River has double trouble to deal with. I was really looking forward to this finale, to hear how the Speravore scheme would be dealt with.

This really wasn’t what I expected, by any means…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The Great Storm of 1703 approaches. The fate of planet Earth hangs in the balance.

The only person who can save it is the Doctor. Or River Song. Or quite possibly another Doctor. Or maybe this whole situation is their fault in the first place.

Two Doctors. One River. An infinite number of ways to destroy the world. It’s going to be a bumpy ride…

◆ Prof. River Song

Alex Kingston gives a phenomenal performance in this finale.

She only has a matter of days to save the world, and she’s convinced that her husbands are causing the problem. River’s reason for trying to hijack the TARDIS is comfort over convenience… and because she needs it to fix the catastrophic dimensional slippage. Within seconds of meeting up with Ol’ Sixie, she’s accused of being a member of the Celestial Intervention Agency: an agent for the Time Lord President! She’s a scholar of the strange. River was pardoned herself, not that long ago, after a long period of confinement. She had around a dozen husbands at the last count. Some days she’s dreamed of having two Doctors to play with… but not Six and Seven! River tells Sarah her life story, because she can relate to someone that has essentially no free will – hoping that a solid life-story will convince her to erase herself from the timelines!

◆ The Sixth Doctor

Colin Baker does a fantastic job with the material in ‘The Eye of the Storm’.

He claims to be something of an expert in matters of the heart – yes, we all know how well your matchmaking went in ‘Arrangements for War’. The Doctor is quite the expert when it comes to matters interdimensional. Before having his memory wiped, he gets a loving kiss from his wife-to-be.

◆ The Seventh Doctor

‘The Eye of the Storm’ featured a fabulous performance from Sylvester McCoy.

He remembers every single victory over every single alien species, because he happens to keep a score card! His memories of what happened aboard the Saturnius in the warped timeline are not quite gone… which explains why he worryingly knows the name of his future wife! The Doctor believes only a fool goes blundering into history, hoping for the best. He’s decided to handcuff River to a table, and cites escapology as one of his favourite hobbies. Listening to the Doctor trying to decipher River’s identity is hilarious – at least he knows she isn’t mother! This slippery manipulator managed to dodge all River’s attempts to wipe his mind of her… so she just stuns him with her gun.

◆ Story Recap

Speravores feed on potential futures, decisions that were never made. That’s why their Queen has latched onto a young woman from the 18th century: she plans to feed on the potential future of her entire bloodline!

The only way to stop the Queen from taking complete control of her life – taking control of the lives of her lover and their family-to-be – is by convincing them to commit suicide… a task even the master manipulator himself couldn’t do. River steps in to have a chat with the doomed couple.

◆ Damsel in Distress

River spends half the runtime trying to convince both incarnations of her husband to assist her… only for both to be complete and utter morons: Seven decides to handcuff her to the inside of some MP’s house, getting her locked up for breaking and entering.

It’s a shame, because I wanted to spend more time getting to know Isaac and Sarah, especially before that brutal ending where they sacrifice themselves.

◆ Sound Design

The titular storm is fiercely battering London, something Howard Carter brought to life tremendously well.

The shaking of iron shackles as River is thrown into Newgate Prison. Rain pours down, and hurricane like winds batter London during the Great Storm. Sarah Dean’s house collapses around her, the wooden beams crumbling like dominoes. The Golden Futures space station continues to collapse around River. Speravore larvae squirm away in the remnants of the station, begging for more food. The voices of the Speravore are honestly disgusting – it’s like listening to an angry, snarling man have a rant whilst his mouth is full of noodles! An old-fashioned English tavern, filled with punters enjoying good meals and fine conversation.

◆ Conclusion

“I remember everything!”

The fate of the timeline hangs in the balance, as two planet Earths are suspended in the skies. The only way to stop the swarming of the Speravores is for River to convince a young couple to off themselves!

This was a weird finale. It begins like your standard River Song outing, with the multi-Doctor element shoe-horned in for good measure. Then things get really bleak and depressing towards the conclusion, as Sarah and Isaac prepare to sacrifice themselves.

Series Two has been a real treat though, and I’m honestly looking forward to the next set.

The Diary of River Song

#2.03. World Enough and Time ~ 9/10

◆ An Introduction

Earth has been ravaged by the 5:29 event, and River is still searching for answers. I doubt she expected to find them in an office block belonging to the mysterious Golden Futures Corporation…

But if BigFinish have taught me anything – with scripts like ‘9 to 5’ and ‘Human Resources’ – then even the most mundane office politics can hide some horrifying schemes…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

When it comes to bringing down corrupt and exploitative regimes, there is no-one quite like River.

Until she arrives at Golden Futures and discovers that someone else has already taken on her job. Someone with almost as much style and panache as herself.

The Doctor is about to get the shock of his lives.

◆ Prof. River Song

‘World Enough and Time’ features an excellent performance from Alex Kingston.

River doesn’t see the point in approving dreams that make no sense, and is told off by the MD-PA for being a temp with an opinion! She claims that a keep out sign is practically an invitation, and a key-pad might as well be a welcome mat. River believes what she saw in Project Elysium… she’s just having trouble not screaming (a sign that excrement has really hit the fan). She tells the Doctor that she always sleeps armed.

◆ The Sixth Doctor

Colin Baker’s performance in this episode was a real highlight.

The Doctor has clearly went up in the world… as he’s now the managing director of Golden Futures! When he bought his way into the firm, he had no idea the work would be such hard work. Even after only a brief encounter with his wife-to-be, he finds her remarkably curious. Every time the MD-PA has a new bit of office work for him to deal with, he just groans distastefully (it’s clear that the corporate lifestyle has got him sick of his life). The Doctor believes that it’s about time somebody complimented his coat… he would say River has good taste, but she is pointing a gun at him. He spends a lot of his life surrounded by people constantly asking questions about what he is doing, something he finds quite annoying. The Doctor always thought that holidays were boring, but his time at Golden Futures takes the biscuit! He claims to have never owned 51% of a planet before. It’s awful when he realises that he’s gotten it wrong – instead of stopping the launch of Project Elysium, he’s ended up ripping a hole in reality that is spewing out alternate versions of Earth!

◆ Ersatz Earth

‘World Enough and Time’ introduces us to the enigmatic main antagonists of this series – the Golden Futures Corporation – and gives us some information on their involvement in the 5:29 event.

Their speciality is selling tailored dreams, with at least eight thousand of the insanely rich living out the rest of their lives in special dream pods… but there’s something more nefarious going on beneath the surface. These dreams are feeding on their potential futures, parallel realities that could’ve been… and these realities are being used to construct replicas of planets by the corporation.

Planning on investigating Golden Futures, the Sixth Doctor became a majority shareholder by purchasing 51% of the corporation… a choice that means he is indirectly responsible for the destruction of Earth: they’ve been feeding on his potential futures too. The Doctor should’ve been out there saving worlds, but has instead been wrapped up in office politics. The corporation saw this as a golden opportunity to spearhead a brand new initiate called Project Elysium: to construct a replica of planet Earth, selling whole areas to the highest bidders!

Golden Futures’ plan feels very reminiscent of Douglas Adams – mainly because the idea of an ersatz Earth reminded me of the 2005 film version of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

◆ Potential Futures

A race known as Speravores are the true masterminds behind the Golden Futures Corporation – interdimensional squids that feed on dreams and potential futures, usually residing at the fatty ends of the time vortex.

Some of you may remember that they were actually the main antagonists of ‘A Life of Crime’, a sub-par adventure featuring McCoy, Aldred and Langford.

◆ Sound Design

A mundane office space that hides the horrifying true nature of Golden Futures. An excellent soundscape from Carter.

Hundreds of typists click at keyboards as they file dreams for Golden Futures. The Dream Stream is filled with sleepers having happy dreams… and the odd petrified person having a nightmare. Wet squelching noises come from the shop floor, as something slithers past River. Inside her dream, River is surrounded by lapping waves and squawking seagulls. Chilly winds whoosh through the ersatz Iceland on Elysium. River fires several rounds of ammunition into the portable dimension welders, in an attempt to stall for time. The squirming sound of a feeding Speravore. The low humming of a cancellation wave… which fails to work, and creates a giant schism in reality! The Golden Futures space station starts tearing itself apart around River, with alarms blaring and large explosions going off in the background.

◆ Conclusion

“I’ve never owned 51% of a planet before.”

Golden Futures have been tasked with launching a brand new ersatz Earth: a patchwork planet composed of various parallel realities. It will allow their masters – the Speravores – to feast on as many potential futures as they please. Meanwhile, the Doctor and River begin their investigations from the corporation offices.

I think the idea of having tailor-made dreams sounds pretty amazing, especially for someone like me who has major insomnia issues. Shame I would just be feeding some fat interdimensional squid if I signed up.

A Douglas Adams style romp through a mundane office and some ersatz realities, ‘World Enough and Time’ was an absolute delight. Though when you’ve got Colin Baker and Alex Kingston leading the charge, that’s to be expected.

The Diary of River Song

#2.02. Five Twenty-Nine ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

You ever noticed that the world seems to be ending every other Tuesday in the Whoniverse? Sometimes, there’ll be a massive space opera as Daleks attempt to decimate reality. On other occasions, writers will focus on a small group of the soon-to-be-dead: that’s exactly what John Dorney did… and it’s about as depressing as you can get!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

River has made a terrible discovery.

Billions of lives hang in the balance. But if she can save just a few, then it might just help her solve the conundrum of Earth’s destruction.

But how can she win when survival becomes a race against time itself? A race against Five Twenty-Nine?

◆ Prof. River Song

Alex Kingston’s performance in this episode was simply divine: an exceptionally good job.

River claims that her title is complicated, but that Professor is the best choice (saves her drawing a lot of diagrams). She enjoys questions, that’s why she’s a professor; it means she can keep asking them. Emmet thinks that she’s the perfect house guest – barely troubles the sheets and doesn’t eat anything. River tells Lisa that her life is a little too complicated for children. For somewhat ironic reasons, she simply doesn’t have the time. The minute she realises that the end of the world is not even a day away, she springs into action and starts drawing up a plan to try and save the islanders. River is clearly panicking, as she’s got no idea how to save the Burrows… she has no answers to give them. She could have left the moment she found Rachel, but she wanted to save the Burrows, wanted to save just one person at least.

◆ “And now, the end is near…”

Armageddon: a scenario that writers never seem to tire of, but continue to innovate with by coming up with new and depressing ways to decimate the planet!

My favourite aspect of this episode is that we never find out what is causing the end of the world – all we know is that if your time-zone hits 5:29pm, and you’re still in it, then you’re basically doomed. Keeping us in the dark makes it so much more unnerving, as whole sections of the planet just go silent.

◆ The Burrows

When creating stories that chronicle the end of the world, it’s always interesting to focus on a small group of ordinary people trying to escape the inevitable – that’s what makes the Burrows family so likeable.

An old couple, unable to have any children of their own, sold everything and moved to this island – it was the only way they could afford to purchase a synthetic android: the same one that appeared during the end of the previous episode.

Lisa and Emmet clearly adore each other, and their daughter is a huge part of their lives… which makes the ending such a brutal gut punch. They know that 5:29pm will catch up with them eventually, so decide to just embrace it and die together – though Rachel will live on, due to River giving her a power boost. It’s a depressing end to an already bleak episode, but it’s somewhat sweet too; Lisa and Emmet loved the bones off each other, and they spent their last moments together.

◆ Sound Design

An isolated island in the middle of the sea: tranquil and beautiful… a far cry from the reality bending visuals conjured up in the last episode! Carter does an excellent job with the soundscape for ‘Five Twenty-Nine’.

Waves lap against the side of the island, whilst sheep bleat in the nearby fields. Crackling static flooding the radio waves. A gas hob being lit, and a kettle being boiled. There’s a lovely crackling fire going inside the Burrows’ family home. A radio broadcast informs the world of the 5:29 blackouts. An ethereal, piercing howl is emitted when Steven steps onto the oil rig… and drops down dead. Crackling static comes from the radio, as the UK becomes the last nation to succumb to 5:29.

◆ Conclusion

“I’m very sorry to tell you, it’s the end of the world.”

Armageddon has arrived again, killing humanity time zone by time zone. River is doing her best to try and save at least one family… but she’s fighting a losing battle.

Well this was utterly depressing! Keeping us in the dark about what is causing the 5:29 event was absolutely the right decision, because it filled me with such a sense of dread for the entire runtime. It also made it all the more sad when you realise all bar one person dies during this episode! A simply phenomenal script from Dorney, and one that I’ll definitely be returning to in future.

The Diary of River Song

#2.01. The Unknown ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

Series Two begins with an episode featuring high amounts of technobabble, which should be a recipe for disaster. Thankfully, Guy Adams made something exceptionally fun and creative instead.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

A planetary anomaly. A scientific impossibility. A mystery to be solved.

Of course, River Song expects to be consulted. She expects her valuable knowledge and experience will help the crew of the Saturnius unlock the strange phenomenon that has appeared in Earth’s solar system.

But what River doesn't expect is a stowaway. An infuriating little man, calling himself the Doctor.

◆ Prof. River Song

Alex Kingston has settled into the audio adventures quite nicely, delivering a confident performance for ‘The Unknown’.

If there’s one thing she knows, then it’s prison etiquette. River hasn’t a clue what’s going on, for once – it’s not something she’s used to, and it’s making her absolutely livid! She’s got a reasonable amount of experience when it comes to temporal problems. Hearing River properly punch Murphy in the face towards the conclusion was marvellous!

◆ The Seventh Doctor

Sylvester McCoy – the first incarnation we’re meeting up with in Series Two – puts on a magnificent show for this episode.

He has a smattering of experience when it comes to temporal problems, but refuses to elaborate in front of Prof. Song. One of his best friends is an archaeologist (nice way to mention Benny). He’s not even remotely human. The Doctor apparently holds the patent to the sonic screwdriver.

◆ Story Recap

The TARDIS and the Saturnius have both collided with a mysterious new planet… and all three objects just so happened to be halfway between physical space and the time vortex: that’s why nobody can recall how long they’ve been travelling, or details about their past.

◆ Dalí Painting

‘The Unknown’ is the sort of episode that would do exceedingly well as an animation, because it features reality bending visuals – the Saturnius stretching and melting like something out of a Salvador Dalí painting, its walls merging with that of the Doctor’s own TARDIS, as seen on the cover art.

This is far from the first time we’ve heard Guy Adams do something utterly bonkers and trippy, because he also penned the critically acclaimed ‘Tick-Tock World’ for the David Bradley team.

◆ Sound Design

I’m not a professional sound artist – nor do I claim to be – but I can these are the sort of episodes they dream about: getting the opportunity to depict reality bending and abstract environments. Howard Carter did a magnificent job.

Bleeping instruments aboard the bridge of the Saturnius, the digitized voice of its on-board computer droning away. Murphy starts smacking the engines with a blunt instrument, causing them to go haywire. Otherworldly howling winds whoosh through the engine bay. The entire Saturnius begins shaking itself apart while attempting a course correction. Physical reality warps around the crew; metal and flesh melting in unison. Creaking metal as corridors restructure themselves. Murphy duplicates as reality continues to corrode. Clucking chickens and mooing cows appear in the ship’s larder, because time is reverting all their meat packs into cattle! The Cloister Bells chime.

◆ Conclusion

“Physics is about to have a day off!”

A three-way collision between a human spaceship, the TARDIS, and a mysterious planet on the edge of the solar system. You could walk away from most space traffic accidents relatively fine… but this event has caused reality to start melting!

Guy Adams has given us the audio equivalent of a Dalí painting, with reality bending visuals that would look stunning if animated… please, someone animate this one. Series Two is off to an amazing start.

The Diary of River Song

#1.04. The Rulers of the Universe ~ 8/10

◆ An Introduction

Following a hellish experience with someone masquerading as her husband, River’s quest to stop the SporeShips continues… and she’s got a bone to pick with the Rulers of the Universe!

But Cpt. Trust Fund himself – Bertie Potts – has employed River’s actual husband as their latest agent. Welcome to the conflict, Doctor.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

As shocking secrets are exposed, and a grand plan for the universe is revealed, River decides it's time she took control of events once and for all.

Out in deep space, a clandestine society faces off with an ancient and powerful alien force – but, for River, there's an added complication.

The Eighth Doctor has been caught in the middle, and she must make sure her future husband can arrive at his own destiny with all his memories – not to mention his lives – intact…

◆ Prof. River Song

Alex Kingston delivered a fab performance for ‘Rulers of the Universe’.

This is the third time a spaceship has taken revenge on her after she’s shot the driver! River does work well with a deadline – quite literally, since the ship she’s aboard is about to self-destruct. I love that she sneaks aboard the party ship disguised as a robot waitress, just like Spritz did the last time she was there. River eats impossible for breakfast, and has repeatedly went back in time in her robot waitress disguise so she can rig every deck of the party ship with anti-matter explosives – what a legend! She’s many things, but not a heartless assassin… well, not anymore. River informs Bertie that the first mistake the Rulers made was to annoy a psychopath with time on her hands. Their second mistake was involving her husband. She tells the Doctor that he’s always her first concern.

◆ The Eighth Doctor

Paul McGann delivered an excellent performance in this episode, and once more proves that he works wonderfully with Kingston.

He’s rather attached to his TARDIS. He accepted the Rulers’ invitation for the best reason: curiosity, that’s his weakness. The Time War isn’t his conflict; he simply tidies up the mess where he finds it. River describes this incarnation as being young, naïve, and idealistic – he thought he could run from the war, but that was never going to happen. The Doctor believes that amateurs are the best kind of anything, because they do it for the love. He’s an amateur explorer, electro-physicist, philosopher, footballer, steam engine driver… he even classes himself as an amateur doctor!

◆ Long-distance Relationship

Most people will have bought this series to hear River meeting the Eighth Doctor… which never actually happens. Our heroine spends her time in a section of the party ship from episode two with Bertie – while it’s crashing, by the way – so she’s just talking to the Doctor via an earpiece.

This is one of the major flaws with this entire range: there are only so many times River can meet the Doctor before she’s meant to and wipe his mind, WITHOUT it becoming boring. The writers are gonna need to get creative with how they explain these adventures, and this explanation just felt a bit naff to me.

◆ Death and the Rulers

Considering this story is titled ‘The Rulers of the Universe’, the eponymous group are dealt with really rather quickly – aside from Cpt. Trust Fund, who refuses to politely launch himself into the nearest event horizon!

Once the party ship gets blown to kingdom come, the whole adventure just becomes a bog-standard Time War one with the Eighth Doctor… one that just so happens to feature River. It stops feeling like her story, which is a pretty big problem in HER spin-off range!

◆ Sound Design

Howard Carter gets to showcase his usual cinematic flair in this finale with a dramatic soundscape.

Hydraulic joints, as the robot staff of the Rulers’ party ship make repairs to the manipulation suite. Alarms blare throughout “Mr Song’s” ship, as the self-destruct sequence activates. Tasteless techno music plays aboard the party ship, as the Rulers indulge in canapés and champagne. The organic interior of the SporeShip squelches under the Doctor’s feet. The party ship explodes in the distance, as the Rulers’ plans go up in smoke. The voice of the Sanukuma is a bit too close to the Hoothi, from the adaptation of ‘Love and War’. River and Bertie’s piece of the party ship smacks into a planet with a tremendous crash.

◆ Conclusion

“The fury of the self-righteous is always so tedious.”

An alien race called the Sanukuma want to take advantage of the Time War to conduct their schemes, because it just so happens that they built the SporeShips.

‘The Rulers of the Universe’ can be described in the same way one would describe this entire first series: a mixed bag. I really enjoyed the stellar performances, the brilliant post-production, but this doesn’t feel like a River Song story. This is an episode of ‘The Eighth Doctor – The Time War’ that just so happens to feature River… and also happens to appear at the end of one of her sets.

I’ve got no issues with our heroine meeting past incarnations of her husband, but at least integrate him into the story in an interesting way. I have got really conflicting feelings on this finale.

The Diary of River Song

#1.03. Signs ~ 9/10

◆ An Introduction

Most people are inclined to call this first series a mixed bag, but that the latter half is where things get interesting. James Goss has practically been running the Torchwood audios the last couple of years, but he’s also a damn good writer!

River’s working with her husband again, but she’s dying… and having some bizarre waking nightmares.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

River Song is on the trail of the mysterious, planet-killing SporeShips.

Nobody knows where they come from. Nobody knows why they are here. All they do know is that wherever the SporeShips appear, whole civilisations are reduced to mulch.

But River has help. Her companion is a handsome time-travelling stranger, someone with specialist knowledge of the oddities and dangers the universe has to offer. For Mr Song has a connection to River's future, and he would never want his wife to face those perils alone…

◆ Prof. River Song

James Goss has written some amazing material for our archaeological adventuress, and Kingston takes to the script like a duck to water. Her performance here was faultless.

Only River could decide to research something and immediately make a remarkable discovery. Finding a SporeShip before it’s detonated is unprecedented, and Mr Song suggests she write a book about it – texts on SporeShips do happen to be best sellers. If she manages to disarm it, then her book will be unique, because it will actually have some facts in it! River claims that fixed points in time don’t tend to mean anything when she’s around. She’s really annoyed to be dying, it just doesn’t seem fair. The first moment she wakes up, she feels fine and has forgotten about it… then she remembers and wishes she hadn’t woken up. River used to be immortal, but she gave it up, all for the Doctor to have a few more faces… it makes her wonder who she’d be if she had never met him. She claims that she was always better at dealing with engines than her husband. In her hallucination, she has no idea if she is alive or dead… all she can be certain of is her love for the Doctor. The minute River realises that Mr Song has been lying to her, she is MONUMENTALLY miffed (and who can blame her?) She is brilliant and annoyed, she also hates being used. It’s all very nice for two omnipotent forces to play chess with the universe, but River is about to show them that a pawn can become queen!

◆ Puzzle Box

BigFinish tend to shy away from doing experimental scripts nowadays, so I must praise James Goss for his originality here. ‘Signs’ is best described as a puzzle-box narrative: River has been fatally wounded tracking down some ancient spacecraft, but something isn’t right. A man claiming to be the Doctor has rocked up with a new ship called the Sarah Jane, and River keeps having a waking nightmare where she’s being chased through its labyrinthine corridors… every time she finds herself getting closer and closer to a mysterious door… “Mr Song” denies its existence, but it’s there alright!

The pieces of this episode are set out like a jigsaw, and it’s down to the audience to figure out the right order of events… and just what the deal is with this mysterious “Mr Song”. It’s very reminiscent of scripts like ‘A Quiet Night In’ – there’s an air of unease running throughout because you know something isn’t quite right… like when the Master was masquerading as Jo’s Uncle to gaslight her.

◆ Legacy of the Kamishi

SporeShips got a brief mention in the previous episode, but River is actively pursuing them in ‘Signs’. It’s believed they were created by the Kamishi – one of the earliest races to ever be birthed into our universe. Realising that they were just a tiny part of the universe, they became jealous of all the races that would succeed them… so created these giant ships to decimate life on a monumental scale!

They’re immensely deadly weapons, so it’s understandable that River would want to stop them. Much like the Rulers in the previous episode, we’re pretty much drip-fed scraps of information on the SporeShips – this is “show, don’t tell” being used perfectly to give us a compelling mystery.

◆ Sound Design

Episodes that play around with story structure like ‘Signs’ allow the sound designer to really let loose. Howard Carter created a stunningly trippy soundscape here.

A ventilator breathes for a dying River, as a heart monitor steadily beeps beside her. The technology on the SporeShip is organic, squelching as River and “Mr Song” attempt to disarm it. The nerve cluster of the SporeShip begins to warble and vibrate as its detonation sequence begins. Tea pouring out of a pot, as “Mr Song” prepares refreshments. Buzzing insects on a jungle world that is positively teeming with life. Pouring rain on the planet Delva-98, and spiders scuttling all over our protagonists. Tweeting birds, fizzing champagne and rounds of applause all appear in the hallucinations that River keeps having. A hissing kettle, as tea and a picnic are prepared in the ship’s cargo hold.

◆ Conclusion

“People with nothing to lose play the best games!”

BigFinish have definitely been playing it safe the past decade, so coming across an experimental outing like this is an absolute treat! ‘Signs’ is a fascinatingly trippy experience which allows you to pick apart its puzzle box narrative, trying to understand just what’s happening to River… and the true identity of this mysterious “Mr Song”.

How does he know so much about the Doctor? What are the SporeShips? I hope you have fun finding out the answers, because I certainly did!

The Diary of River Song

#1.02. I Went to a Marvellous Party ~ 8/10

◆ An Introduction

Everyone enjoys letting their hair down once in a while – some of us relax with an exciting novel, go watch the footie, or even go to a posh party and get absolutely hammered on expensive champagne!

It’s a shame that Prof. Song wont get a chance to relax at this party: there’s a murder to be solved.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

River Song always enjoys a good party, even when she's not entirely sure where or when the party is taking place. But the party she ends up at is one where not everything – or indeed everyone – is what it seems…

Being River, it doesn't take her too long to go exploring, and it doesn't take her too long to get into trouble. The sort of trouble that involves manipulating other civilisations, exploitation, and of course murder.

River is confident she can find the killer. But can she identify them before anyone else – or quite possibly everyone else – gets killed?

◆ Prof. River Song

Alex Kingston sounds a lot more comfortable with the medium in this episode. Her performance was great.

River believes that the disadvantage of an exclusive shuttle transfer is that there is nobody else to ask questions to… her invitation to the party wasn’t very forthcoming. She intends to have fun, though it’s not often she feels underdressed for a party. River is absolutely stunned to find Bertie is still alive, and that he’s been waiting for her on the party ship! When invited to a party on a spaceship populated by the insanely powerful, and strangely not dead, she has one rule; try every door. A sign saying “no unauthorised admittance” is practically an invitation to do quite the opposite (she really is the Doctor’s wife, isn’t she?) I love how coy and flirtatious she becomes after being caught spying on the manipulation suite. River is disgusted by the Rulers’ manipulation scheme and how they treat the lives of millions as a mere game. After being led to a dead body, she comments on how invitations from dead men always lead to trouble (nice little reference to the Eleventh Doctor’s faked death in Series 6). When Bertie suggests that she deal with the murder mystery, he claims to have read lots of Melody Malone. River isn’t surprised to hear that her “husband” is aboard the party ship – now that they have a crime scene, he was bound to turn up. She believes that Spritz didn’t kill Jenkins, but she could understand if she did (she certainly had motive). According to her, the best things about a party are the rumours and gossip.

◆ Space Illuminati

‘I Went to a Marvellous Party’ seems like your token murder mystery, but scratch beneath the surface and you realise it’s actually quite a layered script. It soon becomes a double murder… then an attempt to free several planets from the interference of a shadowy group calling themselves “the Rulers of the Universe” – why not just go the whole hog and call yourselves the Space Illuminati?

The Rules are the main antagonists for Series One, and Justin Richards does an excellent job at introducing us to them, without giving too much away: you really get a sense of how much power this group has. Their Party Ship is equipped with a “manipulation suite”, where their high-ranking scientists manipulate the economy, politic, and evolution of the societies below. It’s clearly a massive operation that’s taken much planning, influence, and funding.

◆ Return of Cpt. Trust Fund!

Bertie seemingly survived the events of ‘The Boundless Sea’. I’m sure you can all imagine how unimpressed I was to hear this privileged pillock back on the scene, but he seems to have dropped the public school façade. Despite being a mere agent of the Rulers, he still holds a great deal of power and shouldn’t be messed with… that doesn’t stop River taking immense pleasure in foiling his planetary manipulation scheme, and winding him up whilst she does it!

◆ Sound Design

Howard Carter really helps you visualise the sheer scale of the party ship in this episode – this enormous craft filled with decadence.

Party-goers chat and dine on nibbles as loud music plays throughout the ship. The droning voice of the ship’s onboard computer. The discharge of a plasma pistol, as Jenkins is murdered in his suite. Hydraulic joints moving, as the robot waitresses serve exquisite champagne to the Rulers. The manipulation suite is filled with bleeping instruments observing the planets below, orchestrating natural disasters and collapsing economies! A build up of ion radiation causes Marcus to burst like a balloon: the party-goers responding by screaming in horror!

◆ Conclusion

“Invitations from dead men always lead to trouble.”

A murder mystery involving a party ship ran by the Space Illuminati soon turns into a double murder… and an attempt to free the planets below from their manipulation. Why couldn’t we have started the series with this episode?

‘I Went to a Marvellous Party’ is a wonderfully camp and interesting title, and the story is such fun too! The performances are great, and I’m really interested to hear more about the Rulers and their schemes. Excellent work from Justin Richards.

The Diary of River Song

#1.01. The Boundless Sea ~ 6/10

◆ An Introduction

I’ve been putting off this range for quite some time. BigFinish already have one archaeologist wandering through the fourth dimension, and I wanted to avoid making any comparisons between the two. That being said, only River can claim to have gotten hitched to the Doctor!

Time to see what her idea of downtime is, as she tries laying low in the 1920s… before uncovering a dessicated Surene Queen in Lower Mesopotamia! Is the concept of a quiet life totally alien to archaeologists in the Whoniverse?

◆ Publisher’s Summary

River Song has had more than enough excitement for a while. Deciding the universe – and her husband – can look after themselves, she has immersed herself in early 20th century academia, absorbed in writing archaeological theses.

But when a mysterious tomb is found in a dry, distant land, excitement comes looking for River.

Can Professor Song stop any more members of the expedition from dying? What deadly secrets lie buried within the crypt? And will British Consul Bertie Potts prove to be a help, or a hindrance?

◆ Prof. River Song

‘The Boundless Sea’ is nothing special, but Alex Kingston still delivered a decent performance.

She’s had her fill of travelling for the moment, wanting nothing more than peace and quiet to finish her studies. Assuming that the bumbling British Consul is trying to court her, River warns that she’s a married woman. She recommends staying out of Europe for the foreseeable future, knowing full well that the continent will soon plunge into all-out war! She never listens to anyone. River tells Prim that she has no tears left to give – she also mentions that she can’t sweat… which just reminds me of a certain infamous interview with a disgraced royal. Realising that Bertie knows a lot more about her than he’s letting on, she claims that trouble always finds her eventually. River has died for her husband many times. She has been trapped in a tomb all her life.

◆ Story Recap

Hiding out in the roaring 1920s, River has been doing some studies in peaceful solitude – something which doesn’t really exist in her life.

It’s not long before she is roped into helping an archaeological team excavating a tomb in the ancient city of Ur – situated somewhere in the south of present day Iraq. Accompanied by a bumbling idiot, River heads into the tomb to find vampiric drones with a taste for saltwater… and a dessicated corpse that’s still very much alive!

◆ Bare Bones

This is basically just a mummy story, isn’t it? The setting feels like something ripped wholesale from a piece of Indiana Jones fan-fiction, and the majority of the runtime can be summed up as “River and Bertie potter about in some dark corridors within a tomb from the 11th century BC”.

Going slightly off-topic for a bit, I’ve been suffering badly with my mental health of late – severe anxiety mixed with depression and OCD is not a fun mix – and I use BigFinish to relax. Unfortunately, stories like this do nothing to distract me because they’re so bare bones.

◆ Cpt. Trust Fund

Bertie is your typical middle-class gentleman from the turn of the 20th century, equipped with his very own trust fund, and a personality that will grate on you within minutes. Unfortunately, he’s a recurring character in Series One, so get used to the bumbling muppet now!

◆ Sound Design

I’ve been following Steve Foxon’s work since he emerged onto the scene with that fantastic score he composed for ‘Arrangements for War’. The 51-100 range is where I started with BigFinish back in 2016, so I’m very familiar with his work. That’s probably why hearing such a dull soundscape from him shocked me!

Wailing tribeswomen at the burial ceremony of their king; the Queen is among those crying out in horror, whilst tambourines are rattled and animal skin drums are played. A crackling fire and a pen scratching against paper. The ringing of a 1920s telephone. Hammers and archaeological instruments bash away at bits of the tomb as the excavation work continues. The saline drones buzz around Daphne as they take all the moisture out of her. Waves crashing against the steam ship. The people drained by the saline drones have this awful gurgling effect on their voices that makes them sound like Sil! The buzzing of River’s sonic trowel. The firing of an old-fashioned colt pistol. Flowing water behind the salt-water dam… which begins flowing a lot faster when the dam bursts open!

◆ Conclusion

“Let me feast on your tears…”

I previously mentioned that I didn’t want to compare River with her fellow archaeologist, but when you hold something boring like this script against Benny’s debut… it’s not much of a contest.

Jenny T. Colgan has written a perfectly serviceable episode, but one that leaves me with little motivation to keep listening to this range. Here’s hoping things will improve!

The Sins of Cpt. John

#1.04. Darker Purposes ~ 8/10

‘The Sins of Cpt. John’ features adult content and themes which may not be suitable for all audiences. Reader discretion advised.

◆ An Introduction

I think we can all agree that Captain John is a bit of a pillock. He practically oozes charisma and fourth wall breaking comedy, but he’s still been a piece of work since we first clapped eyes on him in ‘Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang’.

But what happens when he’s confronted with people even more reprehensible than himself?

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Captain John arrives at the funeral of one of the galaxy's richest men. He died without making a will, and his heirs have some very creative ideas about how this can be put to rights involving murder, necromancy and seduction. Sadly, Captain John is only too happy to oblige.

◆ Cpt. John Hart

‘Darker Purposes’ featured a fantastic performance from James Marsters.

John wastes no time in breaking the fourth wall during the cold open: the theme tune refuses to play, and he scolds the director for it. He’s described as a bounty hunter, and it’s a job that can be quite dangerous. When the resurrected Uther Vargosh begins chanting the same phrase the severed head of Cromwell did, John cacks his pants with the force of an elephant gun – he strongly advises destroying the Gauntlets: he would’ve had them deactivated, but he chucked the only person who could do so out of an airlock! He has a problem with Ilsa’s plans to eliminate Chester; he cannot cook, and he really wasn’t kidding either – the air is filled with him swearing as he messes it all up! Even John thinks it’s kind of dark that Ilsa wants to woo-hoo him just after killing her husband. Jillix describes the good Captain as a confidence trickster, and the worst kind of gold digger. Of course he would make 696969 the code to unlock the spaceship!

◆ Story Recap

Captain John has been successful in retrieving the Gauntlets, and is currently lapping up all the luxuries of Vargosh Palace – whilst getting periodically bedded by Ilsa Vargosh. Unfortunately, he let his guard down, allowing a gateway to Hell to start spewing out killer ghosts!

◆ Treading Old Ground

It’s crucial to have an exciting opening episode that gives you a reason to keep on listening, something David Llewellyn absolutely succeeded with in this box set. By the same token, the finale must succeed in wrapping up all the loose plot threads and give you a satisfying conclusion… which he also does with this episode.

I completely agree with the people who criticise the plot in ‘Darker Purposes’ – it doesn’t have much in the way of depth – but the wit and humour is absolutely on fire! The first half definitely felt like we were retreading old ground, being strongly reminiscent of Llewellyn’s side-splitting comedy outing, ‘Serpent in the Silver Mask’. Vargosh Palace is remarkably similar to Argentia, except that we don’t have Samuel West voicing ninety percent of the characters. The main difference is that this episode comes bundled in with the stereotypical Torchwood-isms, like having characters spend several scenes bedding each other!

◆ Sound Design

Rob Harvey’s soundscape for the finale is gorgeously dramatic.

Vargosh Palace collapses around John, as he hides in a cleaning cupboard during his last moments. Old fashioned music plays over a gramophone in the Vargosh siblings’ decadent personal lounge. The gauntlets activate with a surge of sparking electricity. Choral music plays at the funeral of Uther Vargosh. The scenes of Captain John attempting to cook are hilarious; with clashing pans and censored swear words every second. The voices of ghosts consume Vargosh Palace, and they sound a little bit similar to the Eminence at times… which isn’t surprising, since Uther Vargosh is played by David Sibley.

◆ Conclusion

“Dark is the valley, and fierce are the flames.”

Captain John has delivered the Risen Mittens… only for them to open a portal to the underworld, and unleash dozens of homicidal ghosts on a giant space palace.

Despite the plot feeling a little basic, ‘Darker Purposes’ was a great conclusion to this set. David Llewellyn has done a magnificent job with all four of these episodes, and I’ve got everything crossed that this is the first volume of many. If you want a good laugh, purchase ‘The Sins of Captain John’.

The Sins of Cpt. John

#1.03. Peach Blossom Heights ~ 10/10

‘The Sins of Cpt. John’ features adult content and themes which may not be suitable for all audiences. Reader discretion advised.

◆ An Introduction

Very rarely do I find myself needing to add disclaimers to the beginning of my reviews, but I thought it would be a good idea for this range… especially since it’s more raunchy than a Carry On marathon!

People will tell you that the best stories feature detailed character arcs and witty language. They’re sometimes correct, but on other occasions you really just want something that’s dumb fun.

‘Peach Blossom Heights’ definitely falls into the latter category.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Captains John and Jack find themselves stranded on a world that may be actual paradise – the weather is pleasant, the people are friendly, and the giant stuffed animals only come out at night. There's only one thing the world is missing. No-one has ever explained to any of the population about the birds and the bees. Which is unfortunate.

◆ Cpt. John Hart

James Marsters easily delivered his best performance in ‘Peach Blossom Heights’.

His name isn’t technically Captain John Hart in this adventure, because he hasn’t picked that alias yet, but continuity is boring! In the last week, he has had it away with Charles II’s mistress, fought his way through an army of zombies and broken into a giant wooden space prison, so he hasn’t really missed his partner much. John has a nice side… granted, it’s smaller than his sociopathic moral vacuum side, but it’s there! Alone in a desert, his mind instantly wanders to having his wicked way with Harkness, in the desolate forty degree dry heat – do you see why I put that disclaimer at the beginning of the review now? John is absolutely terrified of theme park mascots, ever since his parents took him to Bunkie World; the most significant traumatic experience of his childhood! Upon discovering that Caitlin and Trevor have never heard of email, he’s convinced that they’ve crash landed in the 1970s. He’s also convinced that beneath their niceness and catalogue model good looks, Caitlin and Trevor must be hiding satanist tendencies… but is quick to change his mind when he realises you don’t have to work in this society, and can basically just stay in paradise drinking endless bottles of wine!

◆ Cpt. Jack Harkness

John Barrowman plays a prominent role in ‘Peach Blossom Heights’ and delivers one of his best performances.

Jack is clearly bitter about being stuck with his old partner; he had to deal with a bunch of angry tribes people the last time they met, after John stole their sacred icon and promptly buggered off! According to his old dating profile, he was always dying of thirst. Jack never thought he’d feel awkward around people talking about sex.

◆ Keys in the Fruit Bowl

You have this utopian society where nobody works and money doesn’t exist, and it all resembles this white-picket fence “American Dream” fantasy. As with any utopia though, there is a seedy underbelly – residents of the Heights picked to live on the luxurious coast are bundled into vans by creepy robots dressed up like reject characters from Five Nights at Freddy’s, and then sent to a factory to be pulped and then processed as food!

With that in mind, you might expect this to be a really dark adventure, but the residents of the Heights have also never heard of sex. Jack and John can’t keep it in their pants, and the residents find out… and they all end up turning into swingers by dinner time! It’s absolute madness, but I love it.

◆ Amalgamation

Originality is something writers should strive for, but sometimes you just need to take the best bits from various other scripts and chuck them all in a blender. ‘Peach Blossom Heights’ has two distinct storylines, and they’ve both been used before by BigFinish.

The way that the residents discover sex reminds me a lot of how the Ashtallan people discovered the concept of death in ‘The Invention of Death’ – I bet you didn’t expect a story with Captain John Hart to be compared to a David Bradley outing! As for the way the residents are basically euthanised when they go to the coast, that felt very reminiscent of ‘The Middle’.

David Llewellyn has cherry picked from several different plots and created something truly amazing!

◆ Sound Design

Harvey’s soundscape is quite beautiful here. He really manages to sell the middle class suburban paradise that John and Jack find themselves in.

Jack’s ship hurtles towards the desert planet before crashing into the sands below; smoke hisses from the engines, while the electrics spark out of control. Alarms begin ringing as a blaze consumes the ship… and its ion drive detonates, sending debris flying through the air. Howling winds sweep across the desert. Water flows through the suburban paradise that is Peach Blossom Heights. A grating tannoy sounds out across the Heights, with the voice of Mother Janet talking to her people. A crackling fire, as the two Captains enjoy wine with their two new friends. Endless birds tweet throughout the day, as residents go about keeping their homes spick and span. The sound of John crash landing in the pool… after being caught by Caitlin and Trevor engaging in BDSM! Erotic moaning is drowned out by John, because that many people complained about the filth in his first audio appearance (and he’s quick to break the fourth wall in order to tell us this). Caitlin and Trevor are smashed into a pulp on the conveyor belt taking them to “the coast”.

◆ Conclusion

“It’s like some sort of sex-pocalypse!”

Welcome to the delightful suburban paradise of Peach Blossom Heights. Enjoy manicured lawns, a seemingly endless supply of Pinot Grigio… and swinger parties right across the neighbourhood!

I’m always slightly suspicious of stories that have such a high rating, but David Llewellyn has struck gold with ‘Peach Blossom Heights’. Painfully few people have reviewed this set, but I really hope I’ve convinced a few people to do so. Now excuse me, I’m off to “the coast” so I can be reincarnated as a blueberry and cinnamon muffin!

The Sins of Cpt. John

#1.02. Escape from Nebazz ~ 7/10

‘The Sins of Cpt. John’ features adult content and themes which may not be suitable for all audiences. Reader discretion advised.

◆ An Introduction

One of the reasons I’m quickly falling in love with this series is that Captain John is such a huge personality. I also feel like the scripts need to match that personality by being a lot more barmy and colourful. Playing it safe simply will not do… guess what episode two did?

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Captain John is in a wooden space prison that's under attack by a strange and terrible life form. Also the catering is truly dreadful and Dr Magpie's latest discovery may have got a little out of hand.

◆ Cpt. John Hart

Despite being handed an average script, James Marsters delivered an excellent performance.

John has shagged a duchess, orally pleasured a jailer, and survived the zombie apocalypse whilst in Restoration London. The good news is that he finally has the resurrection gauntlets, but the bad news is that they’re broken… and the only person who can fix them is locked in a space prison made of wood! When he kidnaps Officer Smith, he claims that his time-ship is called the Jolly Rodgering – here we go again! He tells Magpie that Smith wasn’t the first person he’s killed, and he wont be the last. About halfway through the episode, John ends up being so mortal drunk on moonshine that he starts singing like Churchill – not the famous Prime Minister, but the dog from the adverts “Oh yes!” In short, he’s very drunk and has no moral compass. After being drugged by Magpie with the world’s quickest hangover cure, he confesses that he’s never truly sober, and he can’t understand how people can actually cope with sobriety. John’s reaction to the appearance of Harkness is hilarious. He doesn’t even have the chance to knock Jack out, because his neat bourbon was drugged with a sedative.

◆ Deja Vu?

I’ve mentioned several times before that I would much rather review the written equivalent of a turned rammed through my letterbox than something bland and uninspired. That’s why ‘Escape from Nebazz’ has been such a difficult story to talk about – it got very little reaction from me.

It’s certainly well-written, but there is nothing to make it stand out. Quite honestly, I think Marsters elevates the episode with his performance, and Llewellyn has got his character down pat. The concept of a wooden space station sparked my interest, but that’s been done before by Marc Platt in ‘A Storm of Angels’… a far more interesting release that I wish I was listening to instead.

I could say something similar about the idea of smart mould, because that just made me think of Norton and Andy going up against genetically engineered Project Hermod mushrooms in ‘Parasite’. There’s nothing particularly bad about this script, but I just wish there was more ambition and originality on show.

◆ Sound Design

Someone could’ve taken full advantage of this episode being set aboard a wooden space station, but Harvey’s soundscape was painfully underwhelming.

The chatter of the AI built into John’s time-ship, informing him of a wooden transport ship heading straight for Nebazz. Bleeping instruments from within Magpie’s laboratory. The chattering of guards in the main barracks of the prison. The sound of a tape on fast-forward as Captain “Let’s give the fourth wall a good thrashing” Hart decides to save us from an exposition dump about the previous episode. A huge rush of air heads into Jack’s ship, as Magpie gets launched out of the airlock and into the vacuum of space! Alarms start bleeping as the ship’s fuel runs dry… and it begins hurtling towards the planet below.

◆ Conclusion

“It’s a flat-pack carnivorous death monster, and it’s trying to kill us!”

A wooden space station with a mould mining operation is key to fixing the Risen Mittens. Unfortunately, the mould has gained sentience and Dr Magpie is madder than a box of frogs!

‘Escape from Nebazz’ was adequate. I hate reviewing stories where the writers decide to play it safe, because it just means there’s barely anything to discuss. That being said, the ratings for episode three are extremely high, so I’m very much looking forward to that.

The Sins of Cpt. John

#1.01. The Restored ~ 9/10

‘The Sins of Cpt. John’ features adult content and themes which may not be suitable for all audiences. Reader discretion advised.

◆ An Introduction

It’s always exciting whenever BigFinish decide to grant a fan-favourite character their own series, because it brings a whole new flavour to the buffet of expanded universe content.

I would say that it’s time to plough through another brilliant spin-off… but Captain John will doing a lot of that during this episode anyway, so let’s leave it to the experts!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Captain John is in Restoration England looking for some gauntlets. There's intrigue in the Tower of London, the dead are walking the streets, and the severed head of Oliver Cromwell has a terrible warning.

◆ Cpt. John Hart

Finding an episode where the lead actor is delivering perfection within the first few minutes is incredibly rare, but an absolute treat when it happens! James Marsters is charisma incarnate throughout ‘The Restored’.

He breaks the fourth wall within minutes – if we in the audience knew this was an audio drama, we might’ve actually spent out money on the DVD box set of Buffy instead! John explains to Sir Thomas that he’s just gotten back from the Colonies, and that his father allegedly fought for the previous King during the war. It’s been a life-long ambition of his to stay in the Tower of London: he thinks it’s the promise of shackles! Considering Restoration England is a bit saucy, you’d probably guess John is there as some kind of time-travelling sex tourist… and you wouldn’t be entirely wrong. He left the Time Agency because he was sick of all the red tape… he also threw his line manager into a black hole! He might have a problem with authority, but he’s also versatile – good God, he’s even more of a walking innuendo than Harkness! Confronted with the babbling severed head of Oliver Cromwell, John remarks that he sounds like Sir Ian McKellan… then breaks the fourth wall again by claiming how expensive it would’ve been to hire him for the voice.

◆ Ridiculously Raunchy!

Word of advice: don’t go into this range expecting any form of seriousness. It’s composed entirely of fourth wall breaks, sexual innuendoes and generally well-written comedy.

‘The Restored’ revolves around the two Risen Mittens – the one used by a psychopathic Suzie Costello, and the one that contained the spirit of Death itself – basically going haywire in the middle of Restoration England and creating a zombie apocalypse. Captain John Hart has been contracted to retrieve them for the mysterious Vargosh Family… but he’s absolutely going to shag his way through half of the aristocrats and royalists before he completes his mission!

Llewellyn’s entire script is ridiculously raunchy, but the comedy never detracts from a genuinely well-written zombie adventure. I’m honestly reminded of the Carry On films… if someone had given Barbara Windsor a vortex manipulator and sent her hurtling through the time vortex!

◆ Sound Design

Rob Harvey provides an excellent soundscape, bringing Restoration England to life with ease.

The sound of shaking walls, as Charles II has a quick knee-trembler with the Duchess of Winchester! Horses prance across the cobbled streets of London towards Westminster. The chanting, growling severed head of Oliver Cromwell talks away to itself. The slurred roaring of the undead Anne Boleyn and Lady Jane Grey… and the sound of them burning in a roaring fire! Water sloshes around John and Mohisha as they attempt to row a boat towards Whitehall.

◆ Conclusion

“I want him to see his enemies restored to life, one by one!”

A zombie apocalypse is threatening to disrupt the coronation of Charles II, but never fear, because John Hart is here to save the day… God help them all!

I wasn’t sure what to expect from a range focused squarely on this fourth wall breaking charmer, but what a fun introduction this has been. ‘The Restored’ is jam packed with innuendoes and good humour, but it never detracts from an entertaining story about zombies descending on Restoration England.

James Marsters was on top form throughout, and I cannot wait to discuss the rest of this set. Excellent work, Llewellyn.

Doctor Who – Dark Gallifrey

#1.03. Morbius: Part Three ~ 7/10

◆ An Introduction

The second part was essentially one long exposition dump, but that’s where we left things. Unfortunately for Gilda and Argento, Morbius has risen once more from the ashes. Their hopes of stopping him rest in the hands of one man… dressed in a ridiculously long scarf!

The first mini-series of ‘Dark Gallifrey’ is drawing to its conclusion, and here’s hoping Tim Foley can end things with a bang.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Morbius has been brought back to life on the Isle of the Dead. But a desperate Captain Argento has called for help and received an unlikely ally. Here is a stranger who knows the tyrant of old and is the only one who can put his plans on ice. But perhaps even the Doctor cannot stop the threat of Dark Gallifrey…

◆ The Third Morbius

Having spent two episodes as nothing more than a background presence, Morbius has finally been resurrected at full strength. A commanding orator who demands loyalty and respect from his people, but nonetheless a ruthless dictator. He genuinely believes that his forces will rally at Dark Gallifrey, but like most dictators throughout history, his arrogance would be his undoing.

Rounding off this trilogy with an excellent performance, Samuel West showcases this tyrannical dictator at his most confident… mere moments before falling fowl of his own deranged schemes!

He’s watching his own breath: we forget how precious it is, we forget what is important. Sometimes Morbius wishes he could travel back, see himself as a child; lay out his destiny before him, tell him nothing else matters. Perhaps he will, when he’s ruling all of time! He would rather mould the universe to his image than the other way around. Morbius knows more than most that life is pain. He was the brightest and the best, but since he was of bad blood, the Time Lords disdained him: they will shun him no longer! Morbius believes there is only one route to power when it is not gifted to you: it must be taken, and skies will be torn, lives will be destroyed.

◆ The Fourth Doctor

Hundreds of crows appeared in the skies above the Isle, squawking as the cultists began resurrecting their tyrannical leader. Argento used the Horn of Rassilon, hoping the man himself would come to their aid… but they actually received an eccentric future Gallifreyan President! I’ve not heard Tim Foley write for this incarnation of the Doctor before, but he certainly does a damn good job.

Over the past couple of years, the directors have become increasingly blasé when working with Tom Baker. For some baffling reason, I attempted Series Seven of ‘The Lost Stories’ range, where he delivered the most overindulgent performance of his entire career. It sounded like he went and got hammered moments before stepping into the recording booth! That’s what worried me about his appearance in this episode: both were directed by Samuel Clemens. Thankfully, he appears to have reined in the scarf clad icon, allowing him to deliver a genuinely great performance.

He was a tall man, with wild hair and piercing eyes, dressed in Time Lord battle robes, yet he did not look set for battle. The Doctor has been on water slides, pogo sticks, astral hoppers, even rocket powered-bicycles, but THAT was the worst journey he has ever undertaken! He’s not certain about anything right now: he’s a little bit disorientated. He’s not your typical Time Lord. The Doctor has met Morbius, and it wasn’t a meeting he particularly enjoyed: it was back on Karn. A mad scientist by the name of Solon had stolen Morbius’s brain and was trying to bring him back to life. He was lucky that time – a patchwork body made him vulnerable to defeat – but he doesn’t suppose that’s what he’s dealing with here. Speaking as someone who hails from the repository of Time Lord knowledge, he tells Gilda that sometimes understanding is overrated. Gilda believes he seems so out of place here: there is a lightness about him, and it is something of a comfort. It always feels wrong when the Doctor sees his own history, and he often feels nothing but shame.

◆ Lying on the Shores of Paradox

The previous episode spent a great deal of time meandering about inside the Temple of Morbius, but we’re finally told what it really is: it’s Morbius’s future TARDIS, sent back to himself by a future incarnation, along with instructions on how to raise an army from another realm altogether.

That sounds like a really interesting premise, yet one that seemingly goes nowhere. This army will doubtless appear in future ‘Dark Gallifrey’ trilogies, but that just means this episode amounts to nothing more than a rematch between Morbius and the Fourth Doctor… which isn’t what you’d call groundbreaking.

◆ Sound Design

This part essentially showcases the evil machinations of Morbius falling apart, as the man himself comes face-to-face with an old enemy. One of my favourite scenes was when he chased the Doctor through the bowels of the Proteus, its internal dimensions constantly shifting the walls about… to the point Morbius has to punch his way through solid wood! The sound design in those scenes was pretty good.

A hard-light projection of the Doctor appears aboard the Proteus, crackling energy following in his wake. Icy winds howl across the Isle, snow crunching underfoot, as the cultists and their leader prepare to fully awaken the Temple from its slumber. The Shimmering Man is ripped to shreds by the mental strength of Morbius, his screams echoing through the tundra. The Temple’s holographic emergency programme fizzles away as it’s powered down. Morbius activates his Temple: it whirrs into action, rapidly draining the life from almost all the cultists. Morbius puts his fist through one of the temporal mirrors, sending shards of shattered glass across the floor. The internal dimensions of the Proteus creak as the walls begin moving around Morbius, like an ever-shifting maze. The gurgling of the Morbius monster as it appears within the darker recesses of his mind. Captain Argento sends the Proteus hurtling towards the Temple in a kamikaze attack, resulting in a tremendous explosion, accompanied by the squawking of crows!

◆ Conclusion

“They called me a Time Lord of bad blood, but name one of the elite who posses such charisma.”

Morbius intends to use his future TARDIS, sent back to himself by a future incarnation, to raise an army from another realm altogether. Unfortunately for him, an old enemy has arrived who could put the kybosh on those plans. Quickly realising that the Doctor is nothing more than a projection, who cannot be harmed physically, he decides to engage him within the darker recesses of his mind!

I’m baffled this finale is currently the highest rated episode of the trilogy, because it essentially boils down to a mental rematch between the Fourth Doctor and Morbius. The plot is wafer thin and retreading old ground, surely someone else has noticed this?

One thing I cannot fault is the performances. Rachel Atkins has been delightful throughout this mini-series as the short tempered captain of the Proteus, and I would honestly call Argento the most interesting character here. Samuel West deserves a fair amount of praise too, though I generally think his best performance was during the first episode.

Overall then, what did I think of the ‘Morbius’ trilogy? Overhyped was the first word that came to mind, because most of the episodes just felt like standard fare for BigFinish. It probably doesn’t help that Tim Foley has been deified in recent years – the fandom have convinced themselves he’s the modern-day equivalent of Rob Shearman – so expectations were certainly high.

Doctor Who – Dark Gallifrey

#1.02. Morbius: Part Two ~ 7/10

◆ An Introduction

The Shimmering Man appeared in the kaleidoscope of light and colours known as the vortex, before being brought aboard the Proteus and cared for by the handmaiden.

But now this temporal sailing ship has crashed against the shores of a mysterious rock: the Isle of the Dead…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

When disaster strikes the Proteus, Captain Argento and her crew must fight for their lives and the fate of all Time Lords.

What is out there on the ice? Who hides in the impossible temple?

As loyalties shift and secrets emerge, the cult of Morbius lies in wait to bring about the General's return...

◆ The Third Morbius

Tim Foley once more keeps the eponymous renegade to the background, until the final ten minutes when he gets resurrected in the body of the first mate. While it made sense to have Morbius whispering in the minds of his followers during the first part, I would’ve liked to hear more of him this time round.

The Temple of Morbius features a holographic interface, and it’s given the most camp mannerisms imaginable: basically, imagine asking the tyrannical Time Lord to do his best impression of Norton Folgate. It works surprisingly well, and Samuel West is clearly enjoying himself.

Morbius once had the reach of this entire galaxy, but now he grips the wrists of half the Proteus’s crew. And out there, upon the ice, he will be free! Veritas claims that Morbius wasn’t the monster people made him out to be. He broke bread with his followers, creatures of any status: the leader who gave them shelter and dignity.

◆ A Family of Broken Minds

Part One showed us that the good captain was suffering from a mystery illness, but all has been revealed whilst exploring the impossible Temple of Morbius. A holographic interface welcomed her into a room containing several temporal mirrors, which acted as portholes into the past and future. Argento was shown a face she didn’t recognise, which was revealed to be her grandson from many centuries in the future. Her mystery illness had been passed down through the generations, and it would eventually be known as regenerative dissonance. Her grandson… is none other than the Collective!

BigFinish have spent the past couple of years forcing various incarnations of the Collective – also known as the Multitude – into several different ranges: they were even revealed as the main villain in that God awful 60th anniversary miniseries! That’s why this big reveal about their heritage came as something of an anti-climax… especially since the Eleven is the most overused incarnation of them all. I would’ve been happier if John Heffernan was asked to reprise his role as the Nine.

◆ Sound Design

A mysterious rock has appeared in the kaleidoscope of light and colours known as the vortex: the Isle of the Dead. A frozen isle hanging in the dimensional plane where time and space meet, its very existence should be impossible… as should the Temple of Morbius that sits within the tundra! Howard Carter has done quite a good job here.

Howling winds from the barren tundra beyond. The whispering voice of Morbius echoes in the mind of Veritas. Shrieks echo through the night on the Isle of the Dead, while Argento and Gilda make camp around a crackling fire. Feet crunching through the snow as the Shimmering Man approaches. Sparks fly as Veritas infects another Proteus crew member with the Mark of Morbius. The temporal mirrors within the temple begin fizzing: the Interface shows Argento her future, including her grandchild… the Collective! Hundreds of crows appear in the skies above the Isle, squawking as the cultists begin resurrecting their tyrannical leader. Argento uses the Horn of Rassilon: it sounds like a giant didgeridoo!

◆ Conclusion

“A citadel of dreams… and Morbius will provide.”

Gilda and Argento have ventured out into the tundra, only to discover an impossible temple built to honour Morbius himself. Inside, the good captain will catch a glimpse of her future… and it will rock her world! Meanwhile, Rolko and Veritas start bringing the entire crew of the Proteus under the influence of their tyrannical leader.

I hope you don’t mind a massive exposition dump, because that basically describes the entirety of Part Two. It honestly feels like the events of this episode could’ve been condensed down into a couple of scenes, with the most interesting of them being Argento’s revelation.

Revealing that she is an ancestor of the Collective should’ve been this momentous discovery, but I started rolling my eyes the moment I heard Mark Bonnar’s voice echoing through my headphones. The Eleven is one of the most overused characters in BigFinish history: please stop ramming him into every series like you’re working to a quota!

Part Three hasn’t been released at the time of writing this review – June 5th – but I am really excited to see how Tim Foley is going to wrap things up. Hopefully Morbius himself will actually get to do more than just being a disembodied voice!

Bernice Summerfield

#6.05. The Crystal of Cantus ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

Irving Braxiatel has been a constant presence since the second series of this range. Introduced to us as the enigmatic founder of the Braxiatel Collection, he has always been this charming business man that will look out for himself before his friends. You could even call him the G-Man of the Whoniverse.

We heard in ‘The Mirror Effect’ just how far he would go to get what he wants, to keep his own investments sound. But all his schemes and lies are about to be exposed to the air, and it will change this entire series forever…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Fabled crystals from long-dead civilisations. Jason Kane blundering into situations out of his control. Entombed Cybermen waking from a century-long sleep. It's all in a day's work for Professor Bernice Summerfield.

Armed with her endless supply of witty quips and penchant for lost causes, she'll find the Crystal, rescue Jason, destroy the Cybermen and be home in time for supper.

Except, this time, it's different. This time, as the saying goes, it's personal.

And, after this adventure, things will never be the same again.

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

‘The Crystal of Cantus’ is a real return to form for Lisa Bowerman, who delivers a top tier performance.

Benny simply cannot believe that her ex-husband wants to go and see the Galyari put on a performance of Macbeth. You’d be surprised how many people want her dead. She was naïve once; seeing the universe as just one big adventure… but then you see things that make you realise just how dark it all is. After witnessing how the Cybermats are created, Benny is utterly horrified – letting out a blood-curdling shriek that will stay with me for days.

◆ Jason Kane

I’d forgotten how utterly charming Stephen Fewell could be, and his performance in ‘The Crystal of Cantus’ is easily one of his best.

Jason, according to his ex-wife, is worse than a teenage girl when it comes to gossip. He’d rather eat his own arm off than go to the theatre. Once more proving himself to be an utterly hopeless step-father, he manages to make Peter cry by beating him at a game of football (well done, Kane, you utter moron). By very nearly being cyber-converted, Jason’s mind was cleared… and all the memories that Braxiatel suppressed have come flooding back. The conclusion of this story has him confront the enigmatic creep and basically attempt to strangle him! Jason tells him to leave himself and Benny alone… and threatens that he’ll pay if he EVER goes near Peter.

◆ Irving Braxiatel (Brax of Dellah)

‘The Crystal of Cantus’ features the last performance from Miles Richardson for a while, but he really is firing on all cylinders here.

Brax claims he can get the Cybermen whatever they want, whether it be money or people… he also offers to get them gold (which is like offering to buy a human being cyanide)! He states that none of us are getting any younger, though he is practically immortal, which is why he’s working out to a slightly cringe-worthy 1980s work-out tape!

◆ Story Recap

The human colony world of Cantus was invaded by the Cybermen. Staying true to form, they converted the entire planet’s population; creating tombs beneath the surface of the planet and going into hibernation soon after.

The planet quickly slipped into legend thanks to its fabled crystal… so when Jason gets a tip-off that Cantus has been rediscovered and the crystal is up for grabs, he decides to go in search of it with Brax (with Benny soon catching wind of said plan, and stowing herself away aboard their ship). But Irving is extremely familiar with this world, and the current Cyber-controller.

A trap has been set… and Jason Kane is crucial to its success!

◆ Conversion

Featuring some of the darkest and most disturbing writing this range has ever seen, it shouldn’t surprise you that Joseph Lidster’s name is attached to ‘The Crystal of Cantus’. He already has two amazing Cybermen stories under his belt, but given the chance to play with a range that can go much more adult, thematically, he really pushed the limits!

Cybermen have a simple modus operandi, that being to convert the cosmos so that we will all be like them. But some people simply aren’t fit to be converted, something we got a brief glimpse of during ‘The Next Doctor’: the Cybershades were of course made from the brains of cats and dogs…

Well this episode decides to explain how Cybermats are made… and I’m not gonna spoil it for you. You will be utterly repulsed and horrified at the revelation, and Benny’s blood-curdling screams will ensure you have sleepless nights for a week. People will sit there and tell you that ‘Spare Parts’ is the most frightening Cybermen audio outing, but those people have clearly never heard this horror show!

◆ Looking out for Number One

‘The Crystal of Cantus’ serves as the conclusion to a story arc that has been running since the end of the fourth series. Braxiatel has been shown, on several occasions, to have a ruthless side that he attempts to keep hidden – hence why he hypnotised Jason to forget his suspicions about him knowing far more than he was actually letting on, during ‘The Mirror Effect’.

He has always looked out for his own investments, always been far more than who people believe him to be – hence my G-Man comparison during the introduction to this review – but we finally get an insight into his motivations.

Brax was informed of a great danger that threatened the Collection, so contacted his past self on Gallifrey in order to secure a special crystal. He also lured a man from the past, one Ronan McGinley, into having one last summer of freedom on his precious Collection… before having him converted into the Cyber-controller on Cantus (sometime before the Fifth Axis occupation).

McGinley was the human component needed to control the Cybermen, and the crystal was needed to grant him absolute control of them… but it was Braxiatel who had absolute control over McGinley. The crystal unfortunately causes human beings to rapidly deteriorate and die, even those who have underwent cyber-conversion. This is where the trap came into effect; Brax was the one who ensured the message about the fabled Crystal of Cantus was sent to Bernice, knowing full well that it would be Jason who found it. This would lead to Jason and Brax heading to Cantus… only for the latter to double-cross the former, and have Jason replace McGinley as the new Cyber-controller!

This really was a brilliant plan, and it honestly shows what a scheming little mastermind Irving Braxiatel really is.

◆ Sound Design

Cantus was once a world very much like our own, bustling with people and life. Then the Cybermen invaded… leaving it a barren and lifeless rock, where the tin-pot terrors wait patiently in the shadows. Simon Robinson has excelled himself with this soundscape!

A grating chorus of tin-pot tyrants (‘Tomb of the Cybermen’ era) chanting their famed catchphrases; “we will survive, you will be like us”. Birds tweet around Benny in the gardens of the Collection, as she enjoys a picnic with her son. Bleeping instruments aboard Braxiatel’s personal spaceship, as it begins the long trip to Cantus. A Cyberman bursts through a metal wall, firing sonic weaponry at Benny and Jason. Classical music plays inside of Braxiatel’s office. The bouncy music of a retro work-out tape. A flashback sequence takes us back to a party on the Collection, where Ronan McGinley gets to know the locals. Bleeping ECG monitors inside the abandoned hospital on Cantus, where Benny and Jason discover the horrifying truth about the Cybermats. Every Cyberman on Cantus is ripped to shreds by Benny… and by the fabled crystal.

◆ Music

Simon Robinson is also handling the score for this episode, giving it this gorgeous lo-fi feeling. It’s atmospheric electronica, reminding me of the of the best tracks Mendelson and Klepacki composed for Command & Conquer: Tiberian Sun…

Anyone whinging about me making a C&C reference, tough luck! It’s a series I have been playing for 80% of my lifetime and have bundles of nostalgia for.

◆ Conclusion

“This is about survival!”

Given that the previous adventure caused me to take an eight month break from this range, I’m sure you can guess how happy I was that the season finale was written by one of my absolute favourite writers.

In typical Joe Lidster fashion, ‘The Crystal of Cantus’ is a script that really pushes the boundaries of how dark you can be with this franchise (you’ll understand exactly what I mean if you’ve heard his explanation for how Cybermats are made). More than that though, this is the story that sees all the lies and scheming catch up with Irving Braxiatel. He tries to use Jason for his own devices… it backfires on him, big style!

‘The Crystal of Cantus’ is a brilliant conclusion to what has been a pretty mixed bag of a season. And don’t worry readers, I wont make you all wait over half a year for the next Benny review this time.

Bernice Summerfield

#6.04. The Goddess Quandary ~ 2/10

◆ An Introduction

The universe is filled to bursting with religious nutters, so it’s not surprising that the Whoniverse has dived into the mythos and lore of said religions. It’s been around eight months since I last reviewed anything from this range, and I’m starting to remember why I dipped out of it…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Legend has it that the mighty warlord Aldèbrath will return to defeat the enemy of Imogenella. Should the need ever arise. When the monks of Etheria stumble across what they claim is Aldèbrath's last resting place it looks like the legend might come true. If nothing else the monk's could make some cash from tourism – perhaps even enough to repair the monastery roof. All they need is a certain professor of archaeology to verify their claim.

Simple.

You think? Bernice soon finds herself trapped in a race against death on an unstable planetoid where there's more to the tomb than meets the eye. Mind you, the monks aren't all they appear either… Oh, and Benny's old friend Keri wants in on the audience share.

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

My first adventure with Lisa Bowerman in around eight months… shame it’s not a better one. Her performance is decent enough, but the script is just boring beyond belief.

Benny has delayed the spaceship’s departure for thirty minutes. She claims it’s because she was unavoidably detained by some bureaucratic jobsworth from Port Authority, who refused to let her take her duty free allowance to Etheria due to “religious objections” (that didn’t stop her legging it to the ship with bottles of alcohol in hand though, did it?) According to her, travel light and move fast is the archaeologist’s motto.

◆ Bland VS Bad

It’s been well over half a year since I last reviewed anything from the ‘Bernice Summerfield’ range, and it’s blindingly obvious why. If you’re familiar with my reviews, then you’ll know that I’d actually prefer an outright bad story to one that is bland and boring; it’s better to hear a writer try and fail than hear them play it immensely safe and still fall flat on their backside!

◆ Watching Paint Dry

‘The Goddess Quandary’ defied expectations… by somehow being duller than watching paint dry, listening to Boris Johnson deliver a speech, eating a sandwich where the filling is dry bread, and many more things that make you feel like your brain is suffering from rapid entropy!

My process for writing reviews is to listen to the adventure twice – I write my opinions on the ideas and what-have-you after the first listen. Then I focus on the details about the main characters, music and sound design the second time round. I feel so under-stimulated by the events of this script that I’ve paused the adventure several times, and went off to listen to a guy in VR-Chat do Furry ASMR instead, because that is less aggravating.

Whilst I still have a slither of enthusiasm left for this review, let me tell you about the story for this adventure. Benny basically gets called to the planet Etheria after the tomb of a lost god has reportedly been found. She is accompanied by journalist friend Keri, who made a bit of a career blunder and is looking for any way to get back to the big-leagues… including putting Benny in danger. The fabled God Aldèbrath is soon found to be a female; the very Goddess whose name Benny takes in vain on several occasions.

There might have been more of a story to ‘The Goddess Quandary’, but my brain must have disengaged by that point.

◆ Sound Design

The soundscape for this release was pretty abysmal… a word I never expected to use when discussing Simon Robinson!

Bustling crowds on the Braxiatel Collection celebrate another Liberation Day; another year since the Fifth Axis were defeated. Violent thunderstorms ravage a planet where Benny is creating another documentary. The ear-grating electronic bleeping of a robot stewardess. The tacky jingle of Keri’s news broadcast. The synthetic, feminine voice of Aldèbrath.

◆ Music

The score for ‘The Goddess Quandary’ is also being handled by Simon Robinson… and it made absolutely zero impact on me. What a complete waste of time.

◆ Conclusion

“This is one story everyone will take notice of!”

What a wonderfully ironic quote when applied to this release! It’s been around eight months since I last attempted to review anything from this range, and I’m starting to remember why I gave up.

Benny and an old journalist friend of hers get mixed up with a bunch of religious nutters, who believe those who worship the fabled Goddess to be heretics… but it turns out that their own God is actually said Goddess. Something, something, televangelists. Something, something, cloned monks.

‘The Goddess Quandary’ was one of the most bland and boring BigFinish releases that I have ever listened to, and I’m so happy that it can now be left to gather dust on a shelf in my collection for the rest of time! It’s got absolutely no significance on the greater plot of the series, so please don’t waste your money on this one.

Bernice Summerfield

#6.03. The Lost Museum ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

Never in my wildest dreams could I have predicted that my favourite spin-off would be based around two characters from that God-awful ‘Key 2 Time’ trilogy. Back when I was uploading to the other site, I held the privilege of being the only person to have reviewed every episode of ‘Graceless’, for about two years.

My journey through that range really made me appreciate the talents of Simon Guerrier, which makes me so happy that he’s going to be taking over as producer of the Benny audios from Series Seven.

And after listening to ‘The Lost Museum’, he really is the best man for the job!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

January 2606. TribCity is at war with itself. The old dictatorship has been crushed, but the population have turned on each other. The army cannot stop the fighting, nor the ever-mounting casualties. They can merely clean up the mess.

In the midst of all this, Professor Bernice Summerfield and her ex-husband Jason Kane try to assess the damage done to the TribMuseum. The building has been used as a bulwark, and one of the most important collections in the galaxy lies strewn about the floor. Prized relics are missing, and even the kids on the street seem to know more about who took them than the museum's director.

Benny and Jason struggle to find answers amid the farrago, but all they can unearth are more questions.

In a city where no one speaks the same language, in a city with no shared identity but the horrors of its recent past, in a city where nothing can ever be simple, everyone has something to hide.

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

Easily her best performance of the series, so far, Lisa Bowerman did a terrific job with ‘The Lost Museum’.

Benny thinks it’s absolutely absurd that Adrian and Bev have been sh****ng like rabbits. She describes the behaviour of the locals as thuggery, of the most basic and stupid kind. The TribMuseum is one of the most important collections in this part of the galaxy, and Benny is absolutely enraged at how the military are seemingly doing nothing to stop it being vandalised in the chaos. She’s snapping at the military and Jason, but it’s because she cares; cares about preserving what history TribCity has left. She thinks that the Director could be her assistant after all – she can’t speak a word of English, is mad as a box of frogs, but she knows when to make the coffee! Benny is absolutely disgusted to find that the museum vault was used as a torture chamber by the old regime. Only she would run across the rooftops of a war-torn city, in nothing more than a bath robe and running shoes! It doesn’t end very well for her, as her arm gets blasted off during the mayhem. Benny decides to use longbows from the Earth exhibit of the museum to fight off the rioters, and even claims that she was present at the Battle of Agincourt.

◆ Jason Kane

Series Six features Stephen Fewell quite heavily – that’s not a complaint, because I love the bones off his character! He delivered a fantastic performance here.

Jason has actually shown off some technological know-how, by creating a translation device to try and help the people of TribCity understand each other. He uses his translation devices to try and help those orphaned by the conflict, to hear their stories and show some actual compassion. Poor Jason tries to make things better by knocking the rioters out with anaesthetic gas… but he instead causes the rioters to feel no pain.

◆ Story Recap

Benny and Jason have arrived in the midst of anarchy, hoping to recover some of the artefacts from the state museum of TribCity… before they’re all either lost to thieving locals, or destroyed in the chaos that has gripped the entire metropolis.

They both knew that the situation here was bad, but neither of them could be prepared for what they saw – the population is at war with itself following the collapse of the old regime. The army are completely powerless to stop the infighting, powerless to stop the death and destruction that is consuming this city.

Benny and Jason have got their work cut out for them in recovering the artefacts, and not just because of the civil unrest outside the TribMuesum – the Director is being extremely evasive, and nobody in the entire city seems to speak the same language. Can they save the relics of the past, or will the horrors of TribCity’s recent history consume them too?

◆ Relics of the Past

I appreciate when writers take full advantage of Benny’s career as an archaeologist, as someone who believes there is a lot of value and importance in history. There’s a real passion to preserve the relics of days gone by, and that passion burns bright throughout ‘The Lost Museum’.

Having her and Jason attempt to stop a museum in a war-zone being pillaged and vandalised makes a huge amount of sense, and her anger at the military doing nothing constructive to help the situation is understandable. The greatest strength of this script, without a shadow of a doubt, is Benny – specifically her moral outrage and outright condemnation at the state of TribCity, and the fact the locals seem content with letting the artefacts be completely decimated. It’s really quite sad.

◆ Sound Design

The soundscape of TribCity can be overwhelming at times, but it really helps illustrate the mayhem and civil unrest spreading over it like a plague.

The opening scenes are a real assault on the ears; explosions being set off by rioting locals, with gunfire and alarms merging into the wall of noise. The blaring horn of a military transport vehicle, ploughing through the civil unrest sweeping through the city. A shot rings out as Jason ends up injured, and a bomb wipes out several innocent civilians. Benny and Jason fall through the ceiling of local poultry shop.

◆ Music

‘The Lost Museum’ has a very harsh and electronic soundtrack, but it works excellently with the harsh and chaotic setting of the adventure.

◆ Conclusion

“They seem pretty united to me. Wanting us dead has brought them together.”

After hearing ‘Graceless’, my expectations are always very high when it comes to Simon Guerrier. It’s a good thing that he always manages to meet those expectations, or venture above and beyond them!

‘The Lost Museum’ takes full advantage of Benny’s passion for history, and her duty to protect it as an archaeologist. It’s quite a dark episode, one that really pushes Benny and Jason to the limit. Highly recommend it.

Bernice Summerfield

#6.02. The Kingdom of the Blind ~ 8/10

◆ An Introduction

I’ve really come to appreciate those episodes focused squarely on Benny and Jason. Their dynamic is utterly intoxicating, and it’s clear that Bowerman and Fewell get on like a house on fire!

We’ve got three such episodes in this series, and the first of them… is a meeting with the Monoids.

Really?

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Jason Kane thought things had been going so well with ex-wife Bernice Summerfield, until she went sleepwalking, stole Brax's shuttle (causing Jason grievous bodily harm in the process), and then abandoned her on-off lover to the mercy of a horde of mute and unfriendly aliens.

Although Benny – waking to find herself marooned on a strange planet dressed only in her nightie, with strange voices in her head and a bunch of one-eyed monsters threatening to cut out her tongue – would probably argue that her day was even worse, thank you very much.

But Benny does seem to have stumbled across the last resting place of a legendary civilisation, so it's not all bad. Well, assuming she and Jason can survive – intact – long enough to tell anyone about it…

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

Jacqueline Rayner is a fan-favourite writer amongst fans and performers alike: Bowerman has mentioned in a couple of interviews how much she adores her scripts, which you can definitely hear in this excellent performance.

Benny is horrified by the barbaric way that 26’s people are being treat, that they are having their tongues removed just for speaking. She’s a quick-thinker, and pretends to be deaf in order to retain her ability to speak. It’s great hearing Benny use the fake deafness to her advantage, and start singing a spud peeling song to hack off the Monoids.

◆ Jason Kane

Stephen Fewell delivered a marvellous performance in this episode.

Jason is reading a bedtime story to baby Peter, where he’s a handsome wood-cutter that’s cutting open a wolf’s stomach with an axe… a wolf who looks like Adrian (I see that friendship they established post-occupation has started to dissolve). He’s not hungover, he’s just dealing with “another ex-wife incident”. Jason wasn’t strapped in when the shuttle blasted off, and so his legs are well and truly screwed… and he is pretty much paralysed. I love that he tried to incite a revolution with 44, to make the Halyvon rise up against the Monoids.

◆ Story Recap

Benny has gone off sleepwalking, stealing Brax’s shuttle in the process and buggering off to some far away planet. It’s here that she encounters a humanoid race with latent telepathic abilities, who have been enslaved by the Monoids.

Those one-eyed creatures have barred the use of speech among their slaves, and brutally punish those who disobey – they impair the use of one of their senses. The slaves are allowed to choose which sense they lose out on, with most opting to have their tongues cut out (aside from one who escaped named 44, who opted to have his eyes removed instead).

But these slaves are actually the descendants of an ancient race known as the Halyvon, who posses great psionic powers. If they can reactivate their natural abilities, they can free themselves from slavery.

◆ Kingdom of the Mute

I guarantee most of you had the same reaction as me upon realising this was a prequel to ‘The Ark’ – one of utter bewilderment. I’m a big fan of the First Doctor’s era, but said story was undeniably crap: all I can remember is that Dodo nearly killed off the entire future of humanity by giving them the coronavirus!

That being said, this episode really makes the Monoids feel like a credible threat. They manage to enslave an entire race of telepaths, barring them the ability to speak to keep them subservient… because the alternative is having your tongue removed with a bloody knife! The plot is far from original, but the execution carries that high level of quality you associate with Jac Rayner scripts.

◆ Sound Design

Robinson provides a minimalistic soundscape for this episode, but one that’s still rather effective.

The sharp and piercing telepathic scream of 26. The Collection shuttle lifts off rather quickly. Loud explosions are used by the Monoids to see if Benny really is deaf or not. The Halyvon shuttle blasts away from the desolate Monoid world.

◆ Music

Channelling his inner Tristram Cary, Robinson’s score sounds like something straight out of an episode of 1960s Doctor Who.

◆ Conclusion

“You speak!?!”

If someone told me there was a prequel to ‘The Ark’ that turned out to be genuinely amazing, I would’ve laughed in their face! But that’s shockingly what one of the most adored BigFinish writers gave us today.

‘The Kingdom of the Blind’ follows a simple premise – an enslaved race being liberated – but Jac Rayner’s execution elevates it. This entire episode is dark and disturbing, as you realise just how many people have had their tongues brutally cut out by the Monoids. There’s an excellent twist towards the conclusion that flips your perspective on the Monoids and Halyvon too.

It’s also worth mentioning that this episode featured two excellent performances from BigFinish regulars; Caroline Morris (Erimem) as 26, and Paul Clayton (Mr Colchester) as 44. Highly recommend this one.

Bernice Summerfield

#6.01. The Heart’s Desire ~ 6/10

◆ An Introduction

Series Six represents the end of an era: it would be the last time Gary Russell would produce for the range, until returning many years later with the ‘Epoch’ set. We’re getting off to a pretty rocky start, unfortunately, but that will happen when you ask David Bailey to write another adventure.

Did we not suffer enough after ‘The Poison Seas’?

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Christmas is a time for family, for feeling a bit sick after you've stuffed your face full of food and for forcing a smile at the musical socks that Braxiatel thought would amuse you. It's not a time for zipping halfway across the galaxy with the wafer-thin hope that you can save your home from being destroyed by a previously uncharted pulsar that's heading your way.

And that's pulsing a message in Morse Code.

Deciphering the message leads Bernice Summerfield to Marlowe's World, a place where death is irrelevant even though it lies at every corner, where the wildlife is just sooo cute – but lethal – and, most important of all, where you must be very, very careful what you wish for…

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

Performances across the board are pretty atrocious in this episode, so Lisa Bowerman sticks out like a sore thumb when she’s trying her hardest.

Benny hopes that she is dealing with someone with a lot of power and influence, rather than a jumped up civil servant… but it turns out that she’s being “helped” by just some randomer! It turns out that the authorities on Marlowe’s World don’t want anything to do with her, and are convinced she’s some sort of crackpot. Benny apparently has a scowl that could dent cement. She hasn’t had much experience of crazed mobs, though the veterans convention on Mars came pretty close.

◆ Story Recap

It’s Christmas Eve, and the Braxiatel Collection is under threat of being utterly annihilated from an uncharted pulsar that’s heading right for it. Said pulsar is oddly transmitting a message in Morse Code, one which leads Benny to Marlowe’s World. She’s hoping that she may get some answers here, that there may be a thin hope that someone here can help stop the Collection becoming a smouldering wreck by Boxing Day… but calling this world odd would be an understatement.

Everything and everyone appears to be stark raving mad, and death and destruction seem to be just an everyday occurrence. Marlowe’s World is a creation, and two Eternals are playing a dangerous game. Enlightenment is on the line, and Benny has been chosen.

◆ Stage Managed Insanity

David Bailey attempts to blend mystery and comedy with the sheer absurdity of events going on in this episode, but somehow manages to fail on both counts. I would love to be shocked by this… but this is his fourth awful contribution to the ‘Bernice Summerfield’ range. I will give him some credit: this episode thankfully didn’t induce any migraines, like ‘The Poison Seas’, but even so.

Marlowe’s World was created by two Eternals, and both of them are battling for Enlightenment. They lure people in, trying to see if they’ll realise their world is a fraud; that it’s nothing more than a bit of stage managed insanity. The concept is utterly bizarre, but one that I kinda like. It definitely would’ve worked better in the confines of something like the Land of Fiction though.

Having it be just two Eternals pulling the strings feels like Bailey and Corry wanted an excuse for their nonsensical plot-lines, and for making characters with awful writing and dreadful voice acting – Lucy Beresford as Ms Topsy Turvé genuinely made me want to take a scalpel to my ears!

◆ Sound Design

Simon Robinson is honestly what holds this episode together. His soundscape is incredibly polished, and he actually breathes some much needed life into Marlowe’s World.

The rain comes down heavily onto the surface of Marlowe’s World. A hover car being rammed into an antique vehicle. Laser weaponry being fired on Benny and Hardy. A bank robbery takes place; exploding vault doors and a blaring alarm. Police sirens and the whirring of a helicopter. A grand piano smashing to the ground. Tweeting birds in the zoo, and trumpeting Zephalumphs. The twinkling sound of the Enlightenment.

◆ Music

Robinson debuted a new theme tune in this episode – a remix of the previous one that includes this haunting alien melody. It’s like someone has taken an already perfectly cooked chicken and added the perfect combination of spices on top: this owl is very happy to report that we’re stuck with this theme for at least two series.

The incidental music in ‘The Heart’s Desire’ is also really nice too, using the melody of the new theme tune as its base to create a relaxing and softer score for the episode.

◆ Conclusion

“Within a day and a half, my home will be destroyed.”

The sixth series gets off to a rocky start, unsurprisingly, when someone decided to bring back the weakest writer in the range. Looking at the silver lining for a moment, David Bailey would vanish into obscurity after this episode.

‘The Heart’s Desire’ set out to be an exciting mystery and a charming comedy… and somehow failed to be either! Honestly, the only thing holding this release together was Simon Robinson: the man did a superb job with the soundscape and music. Lisa Bowerman also delivered a far better performance than this trash deserved.

Bernice Summerfield

#5.04. The Masquerade of Death ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

I simply adore how often this range will venture into the experimental and slightly insane, something it has been doing ever since the first episode flung us into the land of pantomime.

Stewart Sheargold has already shown that he likes to be ambitious and experimental with ‘The Mirror Effect’, but it appears he’s taken a leaf out of the trip to Panto Land. It’s time for a trip to the theatre like no other!

“The Play's the Thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the King.”

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to another in our exciting series of adventures with the witty, irreverent and courageous heroine, Professor Bernice Summerfield.

In tonight's story our daring adventuress and her sidekick, Adrian, find themselves imprisoned in a crumbling palace in the Prison Season of Spring, replete with an imperious queen and prissy but rather sweet AI gaoler.

How did they arrive? And why doesn't anyone know who the famous Bernice Summerfield is?

Before too long there is murder ­ as there always is ­ and Benny is accused. Who might possibly be setting her up for a fall? Could it be The Player, a mysterious figure of rhyme and chaos? And why is everybody so obsessed with his plays?

Benny may find that her only way out of this prison is to play along with the fiction. But is there someone behind the scenes manipulating her strings? Could she end up a mere ‘costume' in someone's disturbing game of dress-ups? After all her adventures, could this be the final episode?

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

Experimental scripts often allow our regulars to showcase their true range as performers, and ‘The Masquerade of Death’ is no exception. Lisa Bowerman put on a spectacular show here!

Benny is described by the Player as being an “older than we thought” woman, one who possesses the interesting trait of having an extremely varied character. She does not seem to age, nor have a future beyond the current moment. It’s as though she is a puppet, taken out of the box for a new adventure; a fictional element used for people to construct adventures through her (loving this breakage of the fourth wall). Benny thinks she could get used to the Spinster’s prison; fancy masquerade balls, leisure time galore, and free drinks… with a bit of spring cleaning, it could be paradise. According to Adrian, she is rather talented at discovering plots, clues and murderer identity’s. She is Bernice of the Summerfield; a lady of myriad time!

◆ Adrian Wall

It’s been far too long since I bombarded Harry Myers with praise, and he really deserves it in this episode. ‘The Masquerade of Death’ gives him something very different to chew on – hahaha, because he’s playing a dog – allowing him to show off his wide range of acting skills.

Adrian claims he’ll protect Benny, even in her dreams. He’s far from happy with the Queen of Spring referring to him as the “canine consort”. Ever the engineer, he starts boasting about how, if he built the Palace of Spring… it wouldn’t be a crumbling mess. The Spinster clearly cares about her prisoners, and is clearly looking for reassurance in this troublesome time – shame that she’s talking to a Killoran that likes to be as blunt as possible. Adrian is not to be caged, as he gets very angry when he is, and might just become a disruptive element. He claims to still love Benny, and is scoffed at by the Spinster, who asks whoever heard of a woman having a dog for a lover. When the Player decides to rewrite the story, in the realm of Summer, Adrian gets turned into a growling King… keen to brand the father of his child as a murderer! In the next rewrite, Adrian is turned into a polite and posh courts-man who talks like Stephen Fry! Adrian is really turning into a proper hero figure, and I couldn’t be more happy.

◆ Story Recap

Benny and Adrian are visiting the Spinster’s Prison, but neither of them seem to know how they arrived, or how they can get out. It’s exactly a thousand square feet in area, and being used to incarcerate one person – the Queen of Spring. Imprisoned in the season of her title, with nearly everything that she desired, she is waiting for the arrival of a stranger known only as the Player.

The Player is a wily devil: a famous playwright who has the power to traverse between the seasons using 101 raindrops… but who is really a form of virus, originating from an artefact discovered by Benny. Our lady of myriad time soon finds herself investigating a murder in the Palace of Spring, by using the immersive records kept in the story book.

Meanwhile, her canine consort attempts to find a way out of this theatrical prison… but the play is the thing, and the Player of All Seasons wants to rip off Benny’s face!

◆ Spring Has Sprung

I have a real respect for writers willing to go the extra mile by delving into more experimental territory, and that’s exactly what Stewart Sheargold did here.

The concepts of the Spinster and her prison are absolutely marvellous – a thousand square feet in area, and containing four different cells to incarcerate people in… all based around the seasons of the year. We spend most of this adventure in the season of Spring, getting to learn how the technology works via the murder investigation.

The Spinster has a storybook where she writes down the day’s events, and can be used like a simulation to go back and see the previous days (you cannot interfere in these events, and it’s best to think of it as more of an editing programme than time travel).

◆ Wordplay

I’d also like to talk about the main villain of this piece, a living virus that calls itself the Player. He’s a slippery customer and make no mistake, one that sounds a bit like Norton Folgate!

I love the way he speaks like a man from the theatre, narrating his exploits and theatrical games – one scene comes directly to mind, where the Player and Benny have engaged in a battle of words, whilst also having a sword fight! I also adore that Benny defeats the Player by making sure he is utterly and thoroughly illiterate. That’s so cool.

◆ Sound Design

Jane Elphinstone has created several polished theatrical soundscapes for this adventure, so it saddens me that she never worked on another release after this.

Heavy rain and a ticking grandfather clock. A royal fanfare is played inside the Spinster’s prison, before the roof decides to cave in. The tick-tock of clockwork guards. Bustling crowds at the Queen of Spring’s party; guests cheering at her very entrance. Time rewinds as the storybook goes backwards in time. When Adrian walks into the barrier between seasons, it sounds like the echo you would hear if someone hit a hollow piece of metal. A chandelier comes down from the ceiling and crushes Adrian to a pulp!

◆ Music

Elphinstone’s score is gorgeously theatrical, as it should be. It also showcases some expert use of the piano, and a lute-like string instrument (it really is criminal that she never got to work on the ‘Bernice Summerfield’ range again).

◆ Conclusion

“Once upon a time, there was a plucky adventuress!”

‘The Masquerade of Death’ is a script I was sure I’d enjoy, but even I didn’t anticipate it becoming one of my favourite adventures from this range. I really appreciate a writer going the extra mile and doing something a bit more experimental, and this is the second time where Sheargold has done exactly that.

Welcome to the wonderful world of theatre, as portrayed by a lady of myriad time, and her canine consort! It doesn’t surprise me that this episode has mixed reviews, more experimental stories often do, but this has got to be my favourite script from Sheargold (sorry ‘Red’, your crown has been well-and-truly thieved from you). What an exceptional way to conclude the fifth series of ‘Bernice Summerfield’.

Bernice Summerfield

#5.03. The Relics of Jegg-sau ~ 8/10

◆ An Introduction

Season 12 gets nowhere near as much attention as the rest of the Tom Baker era… though that didn’t stop someone giving the go-ahead for two of the worst ‘Lost Stories’ ever conceived.

I doubt you’ll find many people that would call ‘Robot’ their favourite adventure from that season, and you’d probably be shocked to learn that it got a sequel in the short-lived ‘Sarah Jane Smith’ audio series. But that focused on Hilda Winters and her Scientific Reform Society.

Two years after those stories, and BigFinish were about to tackle their second ‘Robot’ sequel…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The colonists knew the risks of Jegg-Sau. With a flimsy atmosphere, no mineral wealth and exhausted soil, only the strongest and most determined could hope to make a home there. But with nowhere else to go, they went ahead, allegedly funded by a stock of valuable relics and art treasures stolen from Earth.

But the colony failed. Jegg-Sau was deserted once more, home only to carrion and rusted dreams. But Bernice Summerfield believes the relics remained, and she's come a long, long way in search of them. What she'll find is that others have reached Jegg-Sau before her. She'll find herself cat's-paw in a dark outpost of frailty and obsession.

And she'll find the robots.

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

Lisa Bowerman’s performance in this episode was pretty good.

Benny has the kind of headache you can only swear about, so decides to do it in Martian to spare the ears of young Elise. She was just passing the planet and certainly didn’t expect to drop in like this. One minute she’s in the shuttle, and everything is fine. The next thing she knows, something hits without warning, and the ship drops like a stone. Benny is far from amused that Elise mistook the distress rocket for a pigging RPG launcher, and claims that wars have been started over less. She has been in so many scrapes that Brax had an extra power pack installed into her shuttle. Benny, rather shockingly, decides to slice Ethan in half with a samurai sword… which leads to his daughter attempting to return the favour.

◆ Story Recap

While running a low-level sweep of the abandoned colony of Jegg-Sau, Benny suddenly found her shuttle hit without warning, and dropping like a stone to the planet below. It turns out this was caused by a sixteen year old mistaking an RPG launcher for a distress flair!

Jegg-Sau may be an abandoned human colony world, but two people remain – a mineralogist, Ethan Kalwell, and his daughter Elise. They’ve been on this world for over a year now, with only a retro-style robot for company… which confuses Benny. The Kalwells have food rations that could last them years, but it’s all long out of date. They chew but never appear to swallow the food they eat.

There’s something very wrong with the Kalwells… and that name is remarkably similar to Kettlewell.

◆ Jigsaw / Jegg-Sau

‘The Relics of Jegg-Sau’ is actually inspired by a Doctor Who jigsaw that Stephen Cole owned as a child, which portrayed two K-series robots marching across an alien world with energy weapons. The actual jigsaw is shown on the TardisWiki page for this release, and it looks like it would be really exciting.

What we actually got was very different – a bunch of K-Series robots that have been abandoned on a colony world, left to go insane, and build their own humans based upon archetypes from some “erotic VR simulation”!

◆ Sound Design

Having spent several releases in absentia, David Darlington finds himself back in the post-production hot seat. Jegg-Sau is given a decent soundscape, showcasing the pure desolation of this abandoned colony.

The world swirling and warbling around an unconscious Benny. The voice of K103 sounds exactly like his progenitor; that booming voice of Michael Kilgarriff, with an electronic effect layered over the top. The robot moves with a great deal of force too, and you can really imagine just how heavy the big fella is. Red cross jets fly through the skies of Jegg-Sau… ready to rescue Benny, and eliminate the K-Series robots.

◆ Music

David Darlington unfortunately stumbled with his score: I managed to make zero notes on it, and I’ve listened to this episode twice now.

◆ Conclusion

“They were quite the most civilised lunatics I’d ever met.”

A bunch of robots built to Professor Kettlewell’s original design, used as servitors on an Earth colony world. The world was soon abandoned, and the robots left sad, confused and lonely. The K3 series robots soon found themselves going mad, and attempting to “correct” any human beings who came across them.

‘The Relics of Jegg-Sau’ had lots of potential, but ultimately boiled down to a tale of robots turning against their creators. Stephen Cole has done an excellent job here, don’t get me wrong, but the standard has been set incredibly high throughout Series Five.

Bernice Summerfield

#5.02. The Bone of Contention ~ 9/10

◆ An Introduction

Speaking as someone that takes cathartic pleasure in chewing out abysmal stories, there are some that I think receive an unfair amount of hate. One such example is a brilliant adventure with the Sixth Doctor and Evelyn titled ‘The Sandman’.

It really poked fun at how Colin’s incarnation was such a “bar steward” during his earliest television stories, whilst showing us just how much said incarnation has grown thanks to BigFinish.

I was really excited that we’d be visiting the Clutch again alongside our favourite alcoholic archaeologist. The Galyari are up to something… and it involves a mystical wish-bone.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

It's good to get away from the joys of motherhood once in a while. So when the Perloran government call upon Bernice Summerfield to recover a state treasure, she readily obliges.

Trouble is, the previous Perloran government traded the artefact away to the Galyari, and to the Galyari, a deal is a deal. So when Benny arrives on the Clutch to ask if the Perlorans can have their Bone back, she soon realises she has her work cut out for her.

Work that's complicated significantly by a frightened young Galyari who latches onto her, as if to prove that when it comes to the joys of motherhood, there is no escape.

And the growing pains of this particular youngster are set to prove very painful indeed.

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

Lisa Bowerman delivered a fantastic performance in ‘The Bone of Contention’. She also found herself acting alongside her brother, but more on that later.

The purpose of Benny’s visit is because she stupidly agreed to do a favour for somebody, and her identity is that she’s the girl who can’t say no… which often lands her in a heap of trouble. She does everything at her own risk. Her kind of drink is something large, alcoholic, and preferably non-sentient! Benny claims that not much impresses her, least of all funny voices – she has a two year old son learning those from her Porter (she keeps threatening to reprogramme Joseph if he doesn’t stop). She manages to calm down Greeko, and showcases her motherly instincts. Benny can be a bit reckless at times, but claims that she’d never hurt somebody like Greeko. She can’t pretend to ever know what it will be like for her Peter, growing up as a stranger on every world, an outsider, no race to call his own… but she’ll do her best to know and understand.

◆ Story Recap

The planet Perlor has recently went through a turbulent period of change, following a civil war and a coup. During the conflict, one side traded a treasured artefact of the state for weapons with a Star Gypsy aboard the Clutch.

Five years have passed, and the new Perloran government wish to return the weapons and retrieve the famed Wishing Bone of Perlor, with Benny being sent to carry out this transaction. Things are soon complicated when it turns out the wishing bone has subsequently been traded again.

The Wishing Bone is said to have belonged to a being that could manipulate storms and terraform planets, and that it could manifest a new body around itself at will. The Galyari have taken advantage of this fact to grow the perfect killer to go up against their Sandman… but Greeko is just a child, and Benny refuses to let him be harmed, whatever the cost!

◆ Mother Stands for Comfort

Simon A. Forward puts a lot of focus onto what it means to be a mother in this episode; onto that parental instinct that means you will defend your child until the end of time if it prevents them coming to harm.

‘The Bone of Contention’ frames the Galyari as the villains for the way they are treating Greeko, and the fact they believe he must be eliminated for the safety of all aboard the Clutch. But then the dynamic is totally flipped when Benny turns into Gerry flaming McCann and steals Greeko!

You then begin to realise that Greeko genuinely is a danger to all residing in the Clutch, and that his elimination is the only thing that’ll bring this nightmare to an end… but Benny’s maternal instincts fiercely kick in. She refuses to let this seemingly innocent child come to harm, making herself into the Galyari’s public enemy number one. It comes totally out of left-field when the dynamic of who is the hero and who is the villain flips, adding a whole new layer of depth to the action.

◆ Family Ties

Before concluding this review, I’d just like to mention how amazingly Lisa Bowerman works with her elder brother in this adventure. Robin Bowerman reprises his role as Mordecan (who previously appeared in ‘The Sandman’) and he’s marvellous in the role.

◆ Sound Design

I would happily see Simon Robinson stick around for this whole series, because his soundscapes are truly marvellous. He brings the Clutch to life with ease.

Bleeping communication alarms in Benny’s shuttle. Berserker-like fighting scenes, as Greeko is trained to become a Galyari warrior. Greeko growls and pants like a rabid dog, ready to savage at the first possible opportunity. The Warrens are a bustling hive of activity, with loads of shady and dubious drinking establishments. Greeko’s skin peels off around his eyes and he begins shedding, due to a heavy dose of the Growth Sickness.

◆ Music

Robinson uses this Western themed guitar melody when we’re introduced to Mordecan, and it blends beautifully with the more electronic and techno sound this score has. The violin piece when Benny first meets Greeko is exquisite too.

◆ Conclusion

“You mean the wishing bone, you’re talking about the wishing bone!”

An episode which shows what happens when Benny’s maternal instincts royally backfire… as she kidnaps a Galyari kid! But Greeko is far from an ordinary inhabitant of the Clutch, and not really a member of the Galyari at all…

‘The Bone of Contention’ is such an intelligently written script. The way that Forward manages to completely flip the dynamic of who is good and bad in the second half was brilliant too.

Even if you’ve never heard/strongly disliked ‘The Sandman’, I implore you to give this one a go.

Bernice Summerfield

#5.01. The Grel Escape ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

When it comes to these stories, I’m usually already listening to the next series by the time I come round to reviewing an episode (the latest Benny story I actually listened to was ‘The Crystal of Cantus’). Due to this, I’ve already heard this entire series in full, and would easily call it the best run this range has ever had.

Enough beating round the bush, as it’s time to kick off Series Five… and I’ve got a good fact for you – the Grel are back! For the glory of the Grel! The glory of the Grel!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Young children can be difficult. Tantrums, toy-throwing, not wanting to go to bed, whisking their mothers on dangerous journeys throughout all of time and space.

Jason wants Benny's son Peter to have a normal childhood. Peter has other plans. And unfortunately, Peter also has Benny and Jason's Time Rings. And knows how to use them. Even more unfortunately, the fact-obsessed, tentacle-faced Grel have built a time machine, and they're after Peter.

So Benny finds herself on the run, landing in frightening festivals and deadly deserts, facing ridiculously inaccurate robot doubles and hideously accented tourists, in what can only be described as a sort of chase.

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

Lisa Bowerman kicks off the fifth series with a phenomenal performance.

Benny was told that some debauched layabout had ran off with her kid, luckily she knew who it was before she called the galactic space-port. I love how she just completely forgets about the Grel when the time rings take the gang to Ancient Egypt, where she is keen to show off her love of archaeology to her son… something that backfires when she gets shot by a Grel. Benny knows there is something to worry about when Jason starts agreeing with her.

◆ Jason Kane

Stephen Fewell’s performance in this adventure is genuinely marvellous.

Jason mightn’t be the biological father of baby Peter, but it’s clear he still cares a great deal about the kid and is happy to treat him like his own son. He thinks that when you’re a kid you need a bit of magic, there may be crap behind it, but you don’t know that back then. He only ever went to the seaside once as a kid – yeah, the sea was probably polluted, the ice cream full of e-numbers and dogs had probably shat on the sand, but he didn’t notice any of that. He brought a huge lump of seaweed home that day and hung it above his bed, and used to look at it and remember being happy for that one day. Jason wants to do right by his step-son and make sure he gets a good childhood, and make sure that he has a good father figure. It was mentioned in ‘Just War’ how abusive and vile Jason’s dad could be to him and his sister, so it’s really understandable why he wants Peter to have a good childhood, it really is. He’s not going to be stupidly reckless and let something happen to Peter, but thinks that his loving ex-wife needs to let the poor kid breathe once in a while.

◆ Joseph

I cannot believe that I’ve neglected to discuss the demented ping-pong ball in past reviews, because I’ve adored this character since he first appeared in Series Three. Steven Wickham delivered a fab performance here.

Joseph has loads of resources that he could use to perform a variety of high-tech and amazing functions… and he’s instead wasting them on tracking down 20th century television signals for Jason!

◆ Story Recap

Following the downfall of the Fifth Axis and the liberation of the Braxiatel Collection, Jason has gotten back with his ex-wife and is trying to be the best possible step-father to baby Peter. He didn’t exactly have a good childhood, and his own father is best described as something that sounds like “bar steward”, so it’s no surprise that he wants Peter to have a happy and normal life… so hatches a plan to take him back to his native time of the 20th century, even if it’s just to go to a funfair or the zoo.

Jason intends to do this by using his and Benny’s time rings, cause things went so well the last time they got dragged from the back of the wardrobe; Ancient Babylon nearly got atomised, and they nearly perverted the entire course of the Second World War thanks to radar technology!

Benny is furious when she finds out about the plan, but her protests fall on deaf ears… as herself, Jason, baby Peter and his godmother Sophia find themselves being flung throughout time and space. If that wasn’t bad enough, the Grel appear to have mastered time travel… and they want to kidnap baby Peter!

◆ Father Figure

Despite being a blindingly obvious parody of ‘The Chase’, this episode ended up being a hilarious comedy romp. It’s also a rather personal experience for one of our regulars.

I’ve come to absolutely adore Jason Kane throughout my journey with this range, and I can relate to him a lot: both of us have abysmal fathers. Whilst giving a baby two highly sophisticated time travel devices sounds like the most idiotic decision imaginable, Jason’s motives for doing so are rather sweet. His own childhood was absolutely abysmal, so he wants to do right by Peter and make sure he gets a good childhood. Like Jason says to Benny, he only wanted Peter to see a funfair.

I know the writers painted him as a right royal pain in the backside during the first series, but Jason has grown exponentially since then, something I really appreciate. It’s also worth mentioning that Stephen Fewell stole the show during ‘The Grel Escape’.

◆ Sound Design

‘The Grel Escape’ bounces from location to location, which means Simon Robinson has the perfect opportunity to showcase his sound design talents with a variety of colourful audio landscapes.

A roaring lion on the television programme that Joseph is relaying for Jason and Peter. Time warps around our gang as the time rings activate, and send them hurtling through the vortex. Distorted electronic jingles at the Festival of Piranha, which has clearly seen better days (though given that the funfair segments actually take place during 2022, I can imagine this being a fairground that’s been wrecked by the pandemic). The rattling of the ghost train heading along its tracks. The growling voice of Anubis in Benny’s nightmare. Tropical birds chirp in the jungle, whilst insects can be heard going about their business on the jungle floor. The Great Grel Gun reduces two Aussie women to atoms. The sound of F1 cars flying round a racetrack.

◆ Music

The score takes on an Egyptian flavour when our gang find themselves in the shadow of the Sphinx. It’s all rather polished.

Simon Robinson has also created what is now the third theme tune for this range… and it’s one of the absolute best – beaten only by the remix that would be implemented in the next series. It’s got this wonderful techno vibe to it, feeling very reminiscent of the Metroid games.

◆ Conclusion

“I just wanted him to see a funfair!”

‘The Grel Escape’ is one of those stories that manages to stick a stupidly large grin on my face for the entire runtime, making me chuckle like some demented clown. It’s campy and stupid, but we need that brand of mindless fun in the era of “let’s all rush to Twitter and get involved in an argument about Gatwa’s sonic screwdriver!”

Dark and disturbing adventures can be absolutely amazing – just look at ‘The Draconian Rage’ from the last series – but there is nothing more enjoyable than something that can turn me into a grinning idiot for sixty minutes! I’d also say that if you’re looking to dive into this range casually, I cannot recommend this one enough: it doesn’t really rely on any storylines, because it’s just a good old fashioned romp.

Bernice Summerfield

#4.04. Death and the Daleks ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

The Braxiatel Collection is occupied by a load of jumped up fascists, Benny is about to have a traumatic reunion… and an old enemy has been manipulating events from behind the scenes.

Time to conclude the “Monster Season” with a special two hour long epic!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The Braxiatel Collection has been occupied by the Fifth Axis, led by a figure from Bernice's past.

As Bernice's friends rise up to end the occupation, Bernice embarks on a desperate rescue mission, to somewhere she last went long ago.

Braxiatel confronts his destiny, Jason risks all for his love, and lives are shattered and lost, as the battle of the Braxiatel Collection reaches its epic conclusion.

Our heroes will live free or die…

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

‘Death and the Daleks’ unites the entire family of this range for one action packed romp. Despite being such a crowded story, Lisa Bowerman still delivers a fantastic performance!

Benny took a long time to come round to any idea of resistance, because she had Peter to think of in all the chaos. She’s shocked to see the controller of the Fifth Axis is her father – whatever they’ve done to him, and wherever they are keeping him, she swears that she will find him. Benny can almost believe that her father would create a band of space fascists to conquer the galaxy, if he thought the cause were just. She’s not Jason’s girlfriend, and she was the one who picked him. Benny can’t believe that her father is being held on the planet Heaven; the place where she met the Doctor and Ace. She has the great idea to plan an archaeology trip in order to blag her way to Heaven. She’s settled into motherhood with ease, and she’s utterly heartbroken at the thought of leaving Peter again. After discovering the Daleks and rescuing her father, she’s so distraught that she just leaves the archaeology team on Heaven to die… lucky that Isaac is a great dad, and happy to comfort his daughter (it’s criminal that we never got another audio with Benny and Isaac). Benny sweetly admits that, once all this is over, she wants to be with Jason again… and I was over the moon when she said that, and got a little bit tearful!

◆ Jason Kane

Stephen Fewell has returned in this release, and honestly gives one of his greatest performances.

In the artificial fat suit, everyone thinks Jason is a fattened up collaborator, and that’s how he likes it. When Benny refers to herself as his wife, he’s clearly getting his hopes up that they might be getting back together (it’s rather sweet). I really love that Jason sets aside his differences with Adrian during the battle, and it’s good to know that they’ll be getting along from now on… they hope. They do start making friendly jabs at each other in the bar at the end of the story, but it’s clearly from a place of respect.

◆ Adrian Wall

Harry Myers does a marvellous job with the material in ‘Death and the Daleks’.

Adrian has been locked up in a prison camp by the occupational forces. Just as the Collection Resistance Group is about to storm the armoury… our favourite canine turns up with the Killoran branch of the liberation (and they’ve certainly got a bone to pick with the occupational forces). Seconds before the resistance are about to have a confrontation with the Daleks… and Adrian is busy considering what interior design improvements he can make to Irving’s TARDIS console room!

◆ Bev Tarrant

Louise Faulkner’s introduction to this range was a little underwhelming, but she finally gets a chance to shine in this adventure.

Bev has only been on the Collection for a couple of weeks, and already finds herself caught up in an occupation and being tortured. Don’t worry though, as everybody’s favourite “Demented Ping-Pong Ball” has come to the rescue (thank you, Joseph)! Being inside Brax’s TARDIS brings back memories for Bev, and she wonders why the Time Lords don’t rule the universe with technology like that. Once the occupation is over, Bev actually gets a bit of a promotion – being turned into Irving’s personal assistant.

◆ Irving Braxiatel (Brax of Dellah)

Miles Richardson does a terrific job in this adventure.

Braxiatel travels through time, and knows how time should go. He chose the location for the Collection because he knew it was safe and always would be. He’s rather afraid that he is becoming used to house arrest, and is seemingly just ordering his guards to bring in cups of tea for him and any guests. His life nowadays seems to be just torture and interior design! He realises that he’s been played by the Daleks, after Isaac ends up possessed by Dalek programming and hands them over to the demented pepper-pots. Shockingly… Irving completely loses his cool and nearly beats the living daylights out of the Admiral (I think this is the first time I’ve ever truly heard the Doctor’s cool-as-a-cucumber elder brother flip his lid)! Brax whispers to himself several times throughout this adventure, which at first seems like cryptic claptrap (“Time, that’s what I’m playing for”) but we know he isn’t the mysterious and kind man he appears to be from the mind wipe he gave Jason back in ‘The Mirror Effect’… and Brax’s manipulation is going to be exposed sooner than you may believe.

◆ Story Recap

The Braxiatel Collection was constructed on asteroid KS-159 for a reason – it was meant to be completely safe throughout all eras of time. Irving knew that, because he’s from Gallifrey, and he’s travelled through time… so an invasion by a jumped-up group of xenophobic fascists was more than a little unexpected.

The Collection has been under the occupation of the Fifth Axis for a few weeks now, but most people are doing their bit to aid the resistance movement – Jason has been attempting to build mercenary forces off-world, in order to deliver a killing blow when the time comes. Bev Tarrant is being tortured by an agent of the Axis that just so happens to be romancing Clarissa Jones (the Collection’s former Head of Administration). Adrian and the other aliens are being treat as slave labour by the Axis, and they’re all about to be shipped off-world. Then there is Braxiatel, who is currently under “house arrest” in his office, as the high-ups of the Fifth Axis attempt to gain control of his time technology.

As for Benny, she’s about to get a rude awakening… as her father is being used by the Daleks as their battle computer, and as the puppet leader of the Fifth Axis!

◆ Seeking Clarissa Jones

Paul Cornell takes advantage of the extended runtime to do something much grander and more explosive than we’re perhaps used to in this range: the focus on action throughout ‘Death and the Daleks’ is simply fantastic.

The idea of what Benny and her crew believed to be their one safe haven being invaded is such a juicy one, and the whole family is along for the ride too! The Braxiatel Collection has become an unhappy place during the occupation, because the Fifth Axis are essentially space Nazis attempting to enforce their ideology on the people of the Collection – most of whom are academics, too well educated to become collaborators… but that doesn’t stop some people.

Clarissa Jones previously only appeared in BigFinish’s range of ‘Bernice Summerfield’ novels, but I found her subplot in this adventure really fascinating. She fell in love with a member of the Fifth Axis and entered into a romantic relationship with him, which unsurprisingly means she’s been branded a collaborator by the people she once believed to be her friends; she clearly wants to help them, but is conflicted because of her feelings for Moskof. For Ms Jones, the occupation really isn’t a black or white situation.

◆ Conquest via Proxy

It transpires that the Daleks are the power fuelling the Fifth Axis, using them to unknowingly distribute their own ideals throughout the cosmos: they’re essentially trying to conquer the universe via proxy.

This is a fascinating idea, so it saddens me that both the title and artwork for this adventure spoil who the enemies are. The reveal of the Dalek on Heaven could’ve been an amazing surprise, because their involvement is hidden so well up until that point.

◆ Sound Design

There are some incredibly peaceful scenes throughout this adventure, which makes it all the more impactful when the soundscape kicks into high gear and decides to bombard you with action set-pieces! Excellent work from David Darlington.

Tweeting birds in the gardens of the Collection, as Benny begins to recount what happened in the final days of the Axis Occupation. A blaring alarm in the Fifth Axis’ communication room. Braxiatel’s office contains a roaring fire and a ticking grandfather clock, as classical music plays in the background. Flowing water in the Collection’s grand gardens. Howling winds at the labour camps where Adrian and his people are being put to work. The planet Heaven is gorgeously peaceful on the surface; with native birds cawing in the distance and a nearby stream trickling away (many would call it paradise). Thirty minutes into the adventure and chaos erupts, as the uprising finally kicks into high gear at the Collection; with an explosion killing three Axis members. The voice of the Daleks genuinely made me jump when they first appeared, accompanied by that thrumming metallic heartbeat you hear in any of their ships. Masses of explosions, as the Daleks start firing rockets at the ship carrying Benny, Jason and Isaac. The battle between the Collection Resistance Group and the Fifth Axis is absolutely magnificent; alarms blaring on all sides and laser fire being exchanged between the opposing sides. The wonderful sound of Brax’s TARDIS materialising in the heat of battle.

◆ Music

‘Death and the Daleks’ features an excellent score. It really helps sell the atmosphere of fear and suspicion present during the occupation.

It’s also worth mentioning that this adventure is the last time we’re going to be hearing the original theme tune for the range. We get a sneak preview of the replacement during the end credits, and it sounds excellent – very Metroid-esque.

◆ Conclusion

“The battle for the Braxiatel Collection begins tonight!”

The Fifth Axis have been this background presence since the second series of the range, and they’ve been rapidly gaining power. Now asteroid KS-159 has been invaded, but Benny and her gang will make sure the occupation is a short one.

‘Death and the Daleks’ really feels like an epic finale that we’ve been building up to for several seasons; the stakes are as high as they can go, and the Daleks are using a human fascist group to spread their own ideals through the cosmos.

It’s also worth mentioning how amazing it is to hear the entire Collection family in action – Jason assists Benny in liberating her father from being a Dalek Battle Computer, Bev is the power behind the resistance movement, Adrian is being forced into slave labour, and Irving is being interrogated because the Axis want his TARDIS! There’s action and drama, and it’s just a sheer epic.

Bernice Summerfield

#4.03. The Poison Seas ~ 1/10

◆ An Introduction

Following on from that anxiety inducing masterpiece, we have an adventure with the aquatic variants of Homo Reptilia. What could possibly go wrong?

Oh right… this is written by David Bailey, and is a pseudo-sequel to ‘The Secret of Cassandra’.

My expectations are truly through the floor now!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Professor Bernice Summerfield's life has never been what you could call simple. But, just as she really feels like things at the Braxiatel Collection might be settling down to some sort of normality, she is sent away from the comforts of home on a mission for the Earth Reptile Council.

Bernice has visited the planet Chosan before, so she seems the ideal candidate to intervene when a Sea Devil colony there comes under threat from a terrorist cell. Under cover of visiting an old friend, Bernice sets out to learn who is working in league with the terrorists to ensure the eradication of the colony.

But as she delves deeper under the oceans of Chosan, she discovers that something else – something much more ancient and powerful wants rid of the Sea Devils. Soon, every living thing on the planet is in peril. And all because there's no place like home…

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

Lisa Bowerman’s performance here is… about as bland as you can get.

The last time Benny was on Chosan, she was knocked out, dragged to the cargo hold, and locked up with a living bomb. Why she ever thought this world would be a good place for a holiday, she’ll never know.

◆ Story Recap

Sent on another mission by Irving Braxiatel, Benny finds herself returning to the planet Chosan on an undercover counter-terrorism mission. It appears a xenophobic human named Carver is attempting to get the Sea Devils off her world, and that she has a contact in the enemy ranks.

That’s the least of Benny’s worries though… as the oceans of the planet appear to be alive, and are possessing the Devils!

◆ Migraine Inducing Waffle!

‘The Poison Seas’ comes to us from David Bailey, who previously created a nondescript adventure with giant bats, and another with the worlds most boring boat ride! This has got to be his worst contribution to BigFinish.

You can definitely make a dialogue heavy story work, but the dialogue itself needs to be interesting and have some personality – that’s why ‘The Green-Eyed Monsters’ is currently my favourite story in this range. The issue with Bailey’s script is that the dialogue is abysmal, and 90% of the runtime is just me receiving a migraine from the Sea Devil voices chatting away to each other about nothing!

◆ Sound Design

I hope you enjoy the raspy, clicking voices of the Sea Devils, cause they do not stop talking in this adventure… and it managed to give me a headache within five minutes!

I like the Sea Devils, but their voices aren’t a great fit for audio – probably why BigFinish usually stick with their land-lubber cousins.

◆ Music

Imagine recycling the score from ‘Cryptobiosis’. This is incredibly lazy, and I honestly wish I was relistening to that story instead.

◆ Conclusion

“May this ocean drown you and consume you.”

I’ve come to the conclusion that I simply can’t stand David Bailey’s writing. ‘The Poison Seas’ left me with such a blinding migraine that it could easily be free advertising for Nurofen!

If you’re gonna create a story that’s light on action and heavy on dialogue, put some spice into said dialogue… because if I hear another Sea Devil talking, I genuinely think I’ll scream.

Bernice Summerfield

#4.02. The Draconian Rage ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

Series Four seemed to be when this range finally started to embrace its Doctor Who roots to the full, with all four stories featuring a fearsome foe from the main series… which is why this story seemed very odd to me.

The Draconians aren’t exactly what you’d call villains, more another civilisation that just so happens to butt heads with humanity at any given opportunity. They’re also one of the most intriguing species in terms of their society and politics, something this story will delve into a bit.

Watch out, though, because you never know who you can truly rely on…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

On the fringes of the Draconian Empire, an entire planet has gone mad: twenty million Draconians lie dead – victims of an ancient, apocalyptic suicide ritual. Now the Draconians need an archaeologist – and in particular they want Professor Bernice Summerfield.

Female and human, Benny is everything a Draconian distrusts… So why has she been invited to the very heart of the Imperial Homeworld? As an age-old conspiracy deepens around her, and her own bad memories are disturbed, Benny wonders if she can really trust the Draconians… and, even worse, if she can trust herself…

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

Lisa Bowerman delivers one of her best and most harrowing performances. ‘The Draconian Rage’ affords her some truly dark material, and I’d argue that it’s more impactful than even the likes of ‘Just War’!

Benny is absolutely shocked to receive a personal invite to Draconia, but she is adamant that she can’t go, following the ritual suicide of everybody on Tranagus. All she wants to do is stay on the Collection and spend some quality time with Peter. She loses the argument with Brax and ends up going on her little trip anyway, but she’s doing it under her own steam, so she’ll take all the credit. Benny is convinced that the moment she claps eyes on the first Draconian, she’ll lose the power to speak. She tells Lord Vasar that humans can be cold and arrogant depending on their mood. Benny is what you would call a “working mum”, and it’s a concept that’s completely foreign to Vasar. She can charm the scales off a Martian when she wants too. The mention of Marran Alpha brings back a lot of bad memories for our archaeologist, makes her remember Vilus Krull and his vile cultists. Benny doesn’t enjoy watching anyone suffer, but she makes an exception with Paranash after what he put her through.

◆ Story Recap

The Draconians have discovered an artefact on one of their colony worlds, one that used to be part of the Earth Empire. A world where nearly twenty million Draconians committed ritual suicide – an act that is being called the “Draconian Rage” by Earth media.

The artefact is being shipped back to Draconia to become part of the Imperial Antiquities Collection, and they want a human archaeologist to help them out… Professor Bernice Summerfield, specifically. It’s a rarity for any human to visit the home-world of their old adversaries, to see how the other side live, but she wont have any time for sight seeing.

The Cult of the Dark Flame are operating on Draconia, and they believe a fragment of Vilus Krull lives on inside of Benny’s head… and they’ll do anything to free that fragment!

◆ Baxendale Branded Brutality

Baxendale is most well known for his work on the Doctor Who novels, and everyone seems to think they push the boundaries for just how dark and depressing you can get. I can certainly believe that now!

‘The Draconian Rage’ is best described as brutal: members of the cult torture Benny by shaving her head and ramming a power drill through her skull! An absolutely horrifying listen, but in the best way possible – you’ll be so riddled with anxiety by the end that you’ll feel like you’ve swallowed a particularly large tennis ball, which then promptly got lodged in your throat.

◆ Draconian World-building

An effort has been made to expand upon Draconian culture and politics in this adventure, making the whole society come alive.

Emperor Shenn is like most of his species, with a strong distrust towards humanity and a belief that we are inferior to them – he talks with Lord Paranash about Shakespeare, and how his work is basically childish rubbish compared to a famed Draconian philosopher. Shenn also drinks Cognac with Lord Vasar… and compares it to urine (mind you, brandy isn’t exactly nice to begin with).

◆ No Traitors Tomorrow

Have you noticed that every character in ‘The Draconian Rage’ is a backstabbing [REDACTED]? Emperor Shenn is convinced that everyone in his court is plotting against him, so threatens to cut their skulls off if they commit treason. Paranash is just vile to pretty much everyone, and sadistic as all hell when he gets to torture Benny.

Then you’ve got Vasar, who I’d argue is actually the worst of the lot – a spineless traitor who acts like he could be a friend to Benny in the early moments of the story, but then reveals his allegiance to the Dark Flame and becomes an absolute nightmare. You really can’t trust any of these people as far as you can throw ‘em!

◆ Sound Design

Draconia is stunningly brought to life in this adventure. David Darlington does an excellent job at showcasing all the horrors being enacted there, making sure that I will not sleep a wink tonight!

Bleeping electronic instruments, as Brax’s private shuttle arrives in Dralos (the oldest city on Draconia). The squeaking of the anti-bacterial beam, carrying out decontamination procedures. Flowing fountains in the public gardens of the Imperial Draconian Palace, with birds cawing off in the distance, and gravel crunching underfoot. The whirring of an electronic drill, as it begins diving into Benny’s own skull! An antique Draconian blade swipes through flesh, as Emperor Shenn decapitates Vasar.

◆ Music

Whistling flutes playing a haunting melody, accompanied by the discordant chiming of bells. Darlington has provided a stunning score for ‘The Draconian Rage’.

◆ Conclusion

“We live as flames, die in ashes, but we only sleep in darkness.”

Mashing political intrigue with scenes of gruesome torture, ‘The Draconian Rage’ is easily the most harrowing and brutal adventure I’ve ever encountered: the only other time a story left me feeling so uncomfortable, yet so in awe of the writing quality, was ‘Corpse Day’!

The Cult of the Dark Flame has returned, but because the ‘Bernice Summerfield’ range is a bit more adult than its progenitor, Trev Baxendale completely goes to town with how morally bankrupt, manipulative and despicable they are! I’ve also got to commend Lisa Bowerman for one of her best performances, as she played the torture scenes with incredible realism… probably part of the reason this episode has left me an anxiety ridden mess.

‘The Draconian Rage’ is definitely not for the faint of heart, but if you’re looking for something disturbed that will make your heart race and leave you in a cold sweat, then here you go.

Bernice Summerfield

#4.01. The Bellotron Incident ~ 5/10

◆ An Introduction

I’m still somewhat shocked that we’re already onto the fourth run of Benny stories, but it’s time to begin what is commonly thought of as this range’s “Monster Season”… and our favourite professor is about to be flung into the Sontaran/Rutan War!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Two aggressive alien races. A war that has raged for centuries. A planet that orbits through no man's land.

The Rutan/Sontaran conflict has started to endanger the Terran trade routes, but when the Captain of the battlecruiser Rites of Passage finds an energy signature of artificial origin on the primitive planet of Bellotron he is duty-bound to call in the assistance of a qualified academic.

Confronted by savage predators, fiendish traps and the unexpected involvement of an opportunist thief, an unwilling Benny finds herself caught up in a conflict where neither side plays by the rules – and no-one is quite what they seem…

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

Lisa Bowerman kicks off the fourth series with an extremely average performance.

General Quilby needs an expert with a cool head, someone who can follow orders, and someone with tact… so why the Hell would you send Benny? I love her to bits, but the woman is the embodiment of sarcasm.

◆ Bev Tarrant

Louise Faulkner is joining the main family of characters in this range. You might recognise Bev from her appearances alongside the Doctor and Ace in two of Tucker’s previous adventures. She does a decent enough job in ‘The Bellotron Incident’, but we wont hear Bev Tarrant at her best until the end of this series.

◆ Story Recap

The Rites of Passage is a battlecruiser working on behalf of Earth Alliance, and it has been monitoring the Rutan/Sontaran conflict to make sure that they don’t endanger human trade routes. Not far away from the cruiser is a primitive planet whose nomadic, matriarchal society is based on religion and suspicion. Due to how primitive the world is, it’s protected by a non-intervention treaty… and it appears that the Rutan Host may have broken said treaty!

A strange energy signal has been detected on the surface of Bellotron, and this quaint little world may be far more valuable to the Rutans, or the Sontarans, than Earth Alliance realise. Professor Bernice Summerfield has been called in to investigate.

◆ Cave Dwelling

Mike Tucker is a returning writer for this range, and you may remember that I had slightly mixed feelings on his previous adventure – I definitely enjoyed ‘The Stone’s Lament’, but it was just a little too average. I’d love to sit here and tell you that he’s improved with his second script for Benny, but the exact opposite is true!

‘The Bellotron Incident’ is one of the most boring stories I’ve listened to for a while. The story keeps trying to convince you that this is going to be a tense scouting mission to a primitive world, to stop a rather unfriendly Rutan… when the story actually amounts to “here is a Rutan, and it’s hiding in a cave”! What a complete waste of an hour.

◆ Sound Design

‘The Bellotron Incident’ features the same post-production duo we concluded the last series with. Andrew Swann’s soundscape was extremely bare bones: it bored me senseless, like most things in this play!

Barking wolves, the roar and crackle of a campfire, in the tundra wasteland of Bellotron. Bleeping electronic equipment and scanners aboard the Rites of Passage. The growling and howling of several packs of Brill: the natural predators of Bellotron. The icy winds howling in the tundra. I hope I wont be the only one to point out that the Rutan in this story just sounds like a discount Dalek!

◆ Music

Darlington’s music is alright. I’m reminded a bit of Jesper Kyd’s work on Hitman: Contracts, specifically the Bjarkhov mission with the Siberian submarine… and I keep thinking about how much better that piece of music is.

◆ Conclusion

“Damn those devious lumps of sushi!”

Mike Tucker got the opportunity to write for one of the most intriguing and underused species from the Whoniverse… and he completely wasted it.

‘The Bellotron Incident’ is such a non-entity, and all I remember from the episode is that I wanted something, ANYTHING, to happen. About as bland as a wallpaper paste sarnie!

Bernice Summerfield

#3.04. The Mirror Effect ~ 7/10

◆ An Introduction

Finishing up the third series now, we’ve got an adventure with our four main characters… which could be a problem. Having so many big personalities vying for the spotlight could go either way, but I do trust the writer of this audio. Stewart Sheargold created my favourite Seventh Doctor story, ‘Red’.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Do you believe in the mirror or do you believe in yourself?

Under the ice on a cold world lie the derelict remains of the lost Grid 4 Mining Station. Inside the station is a mirror, an ancient alien artefact, its existence known to few. Inside the mirror is one Professor Bernice Summerfield, and she can't get out. Trapped and alone in a place she cannot trust, with her friends distorted and turned against her, she is haunted by fears and reflections.

And inside Bernice Summerfield is a little baby creature that wants her to be mother.

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

Lisa Bowerman’s performance in ‘The Mirror Effect’ was excellent.

Benny wants to get home to her baby before Joseph traumatises him with his baby talk! She’s trying to be careful and not blunder round like an amateur, and she clearly isn’t relishing her ex-husband being assistant for the day. She doesn’t react all that well to the threat of dismemberment, even at the best of times.

◆ Jason Kane

Great performance from Stephen Fewell.

With Jason’s record, there is probably something pretty nasty lurking in the darkness.

◆ Adrian Wall

Harry Myers does a great job in ‘The Mirror Effect’.

Adrian is convinced the mirror separated the weak from the strong (which is why he got paired up with Brax).

◆ Irving Braxiatel (Brax of Dellah)

Miles Richardson does a brilliant job in this episode, and is easily the star of the show.

Braxiatel hasn’t ventured through many looking glasses in his time, but thought it very intriguing. His reaction to finding a dead body is one of indifference and optimism; a survival instinct will keep them on their toes (the man is unhinged)! He claims to only ever do what is best for Bernice, he said with all the charm of a serpent. Brax doesn’t care about Jason or Adrian, but Benny is valuable to both him and the Collection… in ways that we ourself are yet to discover. He is exactly who he’s always been; far more than who people think he is.

◆ Story Recap

Deciding to step through a magic mirror that Irving Braxiatel wants for his precious collection, our fab foursome find themselves separated… and trapped at a mining base in an icy landscape.

Grid 4 Mining Station has a lot of secrets hiding in its shadows; dead bodies and mirror images of Benny, Jason and Adrian. Perhaps more disturbingly though… is the creature from the mirror, who is now calling Benny mother!

◆ Runtime

‘The Mirror Effect’ is extremely ambitious with what it set out to do. While not entirely successful, I still think what we got was a very interesting character piece based around our four regulars. Then again… that might be part of the problem.

Since the end of Series One, this range has focused on pumping out hour long adventures onto a single disc. It’s great for the smaller casts that these stories tend to have, but when 90% of your cast are main characters, it can get confusing trying to bounce between them all. I wholeheartedly believe that Sheargold’s script would have benefited from an extra hour.

◆ Everybody Loves Irving!

The strongest, and coincidentally, most note-worthy aspect of ‘The Mirror Effect’ is the development given to Braxiatel. He seemed like a rather charming man in his first appearance, but also a man of business who would look out for himself before his friends.

This episode shows just how far he’d go to get what he wants, to keep his own investments sound – it’s why he decides to hypnotise Jason to forget his part in the events of this story, making sure that he’ll be plagued with the most painful migraine possible if he EVER tries to remember. Morally ambiguous and his motivations now being questioned, this is the start of a very long story arc for our Irving.

◆ Sound Design

Andrew Swann provides an excellent soundscape to back up the already fantastic writing, really managing to conjure a chilling atmosphere (pun entirely intended).

Water dripping from icicles, and the creaking of ice. The growling of the mirror creature. Water flows in, as Jason starts drowning. The smashing of the mirror.

◆ Music

Darlington’s score is unfortunately quite weak, feeling like the same “mosquito fart” electronica we’ve had once already.

Given the icy landscape this story takes place in, I genuinely think a piece filled with twinkling ivory keys would’ve been perfect! The kind of music that Fox and Yason expertly delivered during the third and fourth volumes of ‘Graceless’.

◆ Conclusion

“What are you hiding from me, Brax?”

Stewart Sheargold provides us with the most ambitious script in this range so far, and unfortunately, it doesn’t quite succeed with everything it set out to do. It’s a character piece focusing on the insecurities and negative feelings held by our four regulars, but the hour long runtime means the whole thing feels really constricted – that’s also why trying to navigate this adventure can occasionally get confusing.

Lisa Bowerman and Stephan Fewell are really comfortable with their roles now, Harry Myers continues to impress as everyone’s favourite mutt, and Miles Richardson easily takes the title of star performer here!

A slightly underwhelming conclusion to Series Three, but I appreciate the attempt to do something more ambitious.

Bernice Summerfield

#3.03. Dance of the Dead ~ 6/10

◆ An Introduction

Returning to the main series now, we’ve got Benny’s first adventure with a bona fide alien from Doctor Who. Took them long enough to do something like this, but it’s time for our favourite Professor to make friends with a New Martian Delegate.

Otherwise known as an Ice Warrior…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Illegally smuggled aboard a spaceship, hungover to the nth degree, all Benny Summerfield wants is to curl up in a ball and die. And it looks like she's going to get her chance.

When disaster strikes the ship – human error, or deliberate sabotage? - Benny barely survives. Banding together with a party of Ice Warriors and a laconic steward, a hazardous, arduous race is on to find a way out of the wreck before it breaks up all together. But are her fellow escapees all they seem? Benny finds that's hard to tell when your own mind's being hijacked by the memories and emotions of a dead alien – while a Martian Grand Marshall becomes your better half…

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

Lisa Bowerman’s performance is decent here, when she’s not being possessed by memories.

Benny seems to specialise in places she shouldn’t be. She should be back on the Collection, with her son, and other animals! She tells Sstac that she spent a year on Mars, and three more in debt as a result.

◆ Story Recap

Following her brief adventure on Excelis, Benny found herself smuggled aboard the space liner Empress, which is currently calling on a hundred worlds to take delegates of a peace conference home.

She’s dealing with the mother of all hangovers, but soon finds herself dealing with the ship in bits… as it’s decimated by several large explosions!

Teaming up with Grand Marshall Sstac, of the New Mars delegation, the two must locate the ship’s saboteur… and stop New Mars falling into a state of all out war!

◆ Missed Potential

‘The Dance of the Dead’ is a script that reeks of missed potential, but let’s start off with the positive bits. I really enjoyed the friendship between Benny and Grand Marshall Sstac, and they work exceedingly well together (there’s clearly a lot of on-air chemistry between Bowerman and Brenher). It’s really saddening that we didn’t get to hear this pairing in action again.

With the positives now out of the way, let’s dive into the missed potential of this adventure… and its main MacGuffin. Steve Cole’s script revolves around the idea of two Kolgarian jewels. They contained a gas that would keep their memories and emotions, allowing them to live on after death. Benny and Sstac breathe them in, and start believing they are the Kolgarian delegates, Asnarbi and Musjarna.

I feel like we could have had these amazing dream-like sequences with Benny and Sstac, like an out-of-body moment where they experience these lost lives… we instead get scenes where the two just talk absolute nonsense! Such a shame.

◆ Sound Design

David Darlington returns, but his soundscape for ‘Dance of the Dead’ felt incredibly generic.

Clicking electrical instruments can be heard aboard the Empress, as Benny comes round from her hangover induced sleep. The babbling of the Kolgarian delegates. The Empress begins detonating and delegates start screaming, running round like headless chickens! Sprinklers spray the decks with cool and soothing water.

◆ Music

This score honestly sounds like a mosquito farting into a microphone… moving swiftly on!

◆ Conclusion

“Mayday! Mayday! From the space liner Empress.”

‘Dance of the Dead’ definitely had potential, but the concept of Benny and Sstac being possessed by memories and spouting nonsensical dialogue reminds me a little too much of the keyboard sneeze writing from ‘Venusian Lullaby’.

Once your script starts rambling like an incoherent moron, I am going to lose interest. That being said, I really enjoyed the friendship between Benny and Sstac, and it makes me wish he could’ve just abandoned his post on New Mars and become another resident of the Braxiatel Collection.

Bernice Summerfield – Excelis

#004. The Plague Herds of Excelis ~ 7/10

◆ An Introduction

Before continuing with our journey through the third series of Benny adventures, we have to discuss this oddity which released before ‘Dance of the Dead’.

‘Excelis’ seemed like a really interesting attempt at making a tightly-nit saga, though the execution definitely fell flat. I’m quite familiar with the three main adventures, but have never heard this oddity which bookends the saga. Luckily for us, it’s a meeting between the two biggest alcoholics in the Whoniverse!

Prof. Summerfield, allow me to introduce you to that wandering reprobate, that trans-temporal adventuress extraordinaire!

Iris Wildthyme has arrived.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The once-proud city of Excelis is a crumbling ruin in a state of siege, as barbarians catapult pestilent animal corpses into the city to spread disease among those trapped inside.

Excelis is a city clinging to life by a thread. But ancient prophecies foretell a final retribution for the past arrogance of its rulers. When the sun is eaten away from the sky, when the ancient relic of Excelis is taken from its rightful resting-place, and when strangers are discovered among the people, then shall the whole world be doomed to die.

Today, the sun is a moth-eaten shadow. Plans are afoot to steal the relic. And a very tired and very fraught Professor Bernice Summerfield just stomped into town in the company of a mysterious traveller in space and time known only as Iris Wildthyme. Pitted against a sinister prophet, the machinations of the Imperial court, and hordes of animal undead, Benny finds herself embroiled in the final stages of an aeons-old plan to commit genocide twice over, with no way out.

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

Lisa Bowerman does a great job in this little side-step from her main range.

Now that Benny is alone and can think for herself, she isn’t sure she actually wants to. Once more… she’s decided to steal Irving’s private shuttle (the one with the jacuzzi that he denies exists)! Running away? She doesn’t do much else these days. Iris thinks that the name Bernice is much prettier than Benny. She’s a shagged out, grumpy archaeologist that hasn’t had any sleep for six nights in a row… so you really shouldn’t mess with her. Benny just wants to stay alive, she’s got to, as she’s got a kid back home. After hearing that the bus could be “bigger on the inside” she suddenly realises that Iris is from Gallifrey and that the bus is her TARDIS! The penny finally drops.

◆ Iris Wildthyme

Katy Manning was someone I had the honour of meeting at EM Con 2022, and what a delightful human being she is! Her performance in ‘The Plague Herds of Excelis’ was marvellous – though I’m probably quite bias, given I adore the drunken old Time Lady she plays here.

Iris didn’t spring from nuclear war and Armageddon, she came on the bus. She’s convinced that one of the local barmen has a thing for her (deluded as ever, but that’s why we love you). Iris doesn’t just know the Doctor – she’s had him, and claims that he’s her fancy man!

◆ Story Recap

Hoping to avoid bumping into a giant fleet of spaceships, Benny lands her Collection shuttle on the nearby world of Artaris. This was once a beautiful, feudal planet, with a city that sat atop a great mountain… Excelis. That was all a long time ago, long before the whole planet was decimated by nuclear war and Armageddon.

The wrecked remnants of Excelis are rife with plague, and a mad prophet claims the sun is being eaten away from the sky. But this prophet is far from mad, and they’ve been waiting for a very long time to obtain the Ancient Relic of Excelis… waiting since the first time Iris visited the city, when the Fifth Doctor was also in town.

It’s the end of the world, but who will come out on top? And just who the Hell is Iris Wildthyme?

◆ Weakest of the Bunch

Stephen Cole scripts tend to be pretty hit or miss, and he definitely missed when discussing the actual plot of this adventure. Compared to the rest of the saga, it’s the weakest by a country mile: some guff about the sun being eaten, and the return of the Ancient Relic… which is actually one of Iris’s tatty old handbags!

Where this episode really stands out is the writing for our regulars. Benny and Iris spend most of the outing apart – which is a crying shame, might I add – but the scenes they spend together are just glorious! They’re both really well characterised too.

◆ Sound Design

David Darlington is once more handling the soundscape for this saga, and he does a rather brilliant job. The city is clinging to life with its bloody fingernails, and you can tell that everyone is getting quite desperate to survive.

Angry mobs shout at the governing body of Excelis. Proximity alarms blare inside of Brax’s private shuttle. Howling winds float through the barren nuclear wastelands of Artaris (I’m picturing the Red Zones from Command & Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars). Iris makes a grand entrance, as she rams her bus through the centre of town! Zombie animals converge on the Palace of Excelis.

◆ Conclusion

“A handbag that is not of ordinary fabric and stitching!”

This episode can be judged from two different perspectives; either as an average Benny release, or as the joint weakest instalment of the ‘Excelis’ storyline.

Lisa Bowerman and Katy Manning work marvellously together – give us a full box set of Benny and Iris going on intergalactic pub crawls, and I will be quite the happy owl – but there really is nothing to this episode.

Doctor Who – Bonus Releases

#001. Real Time ~ 5/10

◆ An Introduction

The Sixth Doctor and Evelyn are quite easily the most iconic team in BigFinish history, and many of their adventures are seen as absolute classics. There is one, however, which is relatively forgotten nowadays. It started out as a webcast on the now defunct BBCi service, before getting adapted into an audio outing.

I’ve been putting this review off for a while, so let’s get straight into the convoluted mess that is ‘Real Time’!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

On a planet known only as Chronos, two scientific survey teams have vanished. Inexplicably. Without warning. But with just one clue supplied – a single screamed word: "Cybermen!"

The University they worked for has called in the Earth security forces who despatch a third team, a mix of military and scientific might, under the auspices of a University Administrator. If that kind of volatile grouping isn't bad enough, three strangers have been added to the mix – a young human expert in Cybermen and a mysterious traveller in space and time, the Doctor, along with his companion, Dr Evelyn Smythe.

But can they solve the riddle of the vanished survey teams before the Cybermen harness Chronos' unique temporal gifts and rewrite the history of the galaxy?

◆ The Sixth Doctor

Whilst this adventure does have a fair few issues, the characterisation and acting for our regulars are not among them. Colin Baker puts on a great performance in ‘Real Time’.

The Doctor’s patchwork coat came from one of the most exclusive boutiques on Kolpasha, and not just anyone can shop there, you know! He hasn’t worn anything as formal as an Edwardian morning suit for years. His friends mean a great deal to him, but they’re still expendable when put against the fate of the universe.

◆ Dr. Evelyn Smythe

‘Real Time’ presents us with yet another amazing performance from Maggie Stables. Just a shame the actual story isn’t the best.

Evelyn doesn’t want the Doctor to switch back into his usual coat, because it would be so nice to go somewhere for once without everyone going blind or feeling nauseous just looking at him! She pretends to understand the idea of temporal waves because it shuts the Doctor up if she tells him she knows what he’s on about. Evelyn prefers to think that the Doctor is her companion.

◆ Story Recap

The Doctor and Evelyn are called to the barren planet of Chronos, following the disappearance of two human expeditions after a huge release of temporal energy. Little do they know that this is a nexus point where history is about to diverge.

It turns out that this world is linked to an alternate timeline in which the Cybermen became a dominant force in the universe, and its very existence is a temporal paradox. The Doctor’s alternate timeline counterpart apparently gave the Cyber-Controller his TARDIS for infinite access to time and space. They used it to travel back to Earth in 1927, and released a techno-organic virus that converted most humans into “skin-drones” - completely converted apart from their skin and brains. By 1951, the Daleks, Sontarans, Draconians and Time Lords had all been infected with the virus.

One skin drone decided to use a special time travel device, a Chronosphere, to travel back to the nexus point and stop the Doctor giving up his TARDIS to the Cybermen. He is armed with a reverse-engineered form of the virus that can attack mechanical organisms… but he’s just created his own timeline, because the Cybermen would reverse-engineer this virus to create their own. It’s a paradox!

◆ Circular Time

‘Real Time’ is a story that I have been putting off reviewing for a long time, mainly because it’s a pain in the rear to listen to a CD only release, but also because it’s incredibly convoluted!

We’re basically bearing witness to a circular narrative when it comes to the Cyber-Controller’s divergent timeline. Unfortunately, there is no resolution as to how the Doctor and Evelyn managed to escape said narrative. There was meant to be a follow up to this story, but it may never be resolved since Maggie Stables sadly passed away (unless someone at BigFinish decides to make use of ‘The Audio Novels’ range).

This mess of an adventure can be experienced two different ways, and I’m going to recommend you watch the webcast for a variety of reasons; it’s not split up into six parts with agonising pacing, and it’s completely free to watch on YouTube. I’ll leave a link to it below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxs6I53tMBk&ab_channel=MrDalekEmperor

◆ Acting Failures

One of the biggest issues with ‘Real Time’ is that, outside of our protagonists, the acting is absolutely dreadful! I think the worst offender is Yee Jee Tso, whose performance as Dr Reece Goddard was more flat and lifeless than Trump’s hairline. Every line he delivers just has no enthusiasm behind it, and it brings down what is already a pretty shoddy adventure. Jane Goddard’s performance here is also pretty shoddy, because even before her character got cyber-converted her line delivery was incredibly robotic!

◆ Sound Design

The soundscape barely made an impression on me: it’s blatantly obvious this was made as a webcast first, and that this CD release was an afterthought. Honestly, I expect more from Alistair Lock.

Hydraulic joints move and creak as Cybermen go about their patrols. A crackling transmission from Professor Osborn, as the temporal wave sweeps across Chronos. The rapid clicking of the Doctor’s space-time telegraph. Wild winds whip across the barren surface of Chronos. The familiar sound of a Cyberman’s sonic emitter. The bones in Carey’s arms are crushed, squelching through blood and sinew. The conversion process is the bloodiest it’s ever been in this story, genuinely horrifying. The temporal wave happens one last time, eradicating Goddard and the Cyber-Controller.

◆ Music

Alistair Lock is also handling the score. I get the feeling he was trying to evoke the feel of an early 1980s Cyberman story by going for some harsh synthesised stings: it’s reminiscent of Malcolm Clarke’s famous track March of the Cybermen, but it’s nowhere near as memorable as those scores.

Steve Foxon would later try to evoke that style of music in ‘Hour of the Cybermen’, and he would be much more successful.

◆ Conclusion

“You are required by the Controller.”

The Doctor and Evelyn get stuck in a circular narrative about a paradoxical timeline where the Cybermen conquered reality. I summed the story up in a sentence, so that you don’t have to waste £5 buying the CD (or an hour and thirty minutes watching the webcast).

‘Real Time’ is one of the weakest and most convoluted stories with this TARDIS team, and it’s completely understandable as to why it’s been largely forgotten by the fandom. Some really dreadful performances and bland post-production, and a story that will probably leave your head spinning. There are some decent elements (I really liked the idea of the techno-organic virus and think a whole story could have been made around just that) but not enough. I’d only recommend listening to ‘Real Time’ if you’re a completionist.

Bernice Summerfield

#3.02. The Green-Eyed Monsters ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

Parenting is one of the most challenging things in the universe, especially when your tax burden happens to have the ability to bring down buildings when he screams! Luckily for Benny, she’s got two idiots both wanting to help her out. I mean, who wouldn’t trust Jason and Adrian with looking after a kid?

About 90% of the sane people in the known cosmos, that’s who!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

It isn't all fun for a new mum.

Not only do you have to deal with the lack of sleep, the occasional embarrassing leak and the constant round of unexploded nappies – you have to deal with a couple of testeronically-charged idiots who won't get it through their skulls that you don't want either of them to be the Dad. Even though one of them technically is.

So when Benny gets the chance to skip off for a while, heading into a Goronos System packed with duplicity and peril to authenticate certain highly significant artefacts and totems, she doesn't have to think twice.

Only sometimes, as she'll learn, when heading into duplicity and peril, it's not a good idea to leave a hostage to fortune behind…

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

Lisa Bowerman delivered quite possibly the best performance I’ve heard from her. It’ll certainly take some doing to beat this one!

Benny has already warned Joseph not to use baby talk in front of Peter, because she doesn’t want the poor child to start out in life thinking people talk like complete and utter idiots… even if they are complete and utter idiots. She nearly ended up naming her kid Peanut, when he was just about the size of one, but he probably wouldn’t have been happy if he were saddled with that one forever… the spectre of matricide looms and all that. She wasn’t quite herself when she had Peter, REALLY not herself. For the first time in her life, she’s seriously contemplating saying “men!” with the exclamation mark after it. Benny wants to use Joseph’s military features to zap Adrian and Jason with a couple million volts of electricity (but she’s rather disappointed to hear that Brax has restricted her from using said features).

◆ Jason Kane

It’s been quite some time since I had the pleasure of discussing Stephen Fewell: his last appearance was way back in Series One! He genuinely delivered his finest performance in ‘The Green-Eyed Monsters’.

Jason walks straight onto the scene… and immediately begins taunting our favourite Killoran (“Come on Adrian, have a Borneo and calm down”). He claims that they’ve been doing alright when it comes to looking after Peter… seconds before armed mercenaries working for Ashantra break in and kidnap Peter! Your timing is appalling, Mr Kane! There’s a part of Jason that refuses to believe he is anything other than Benny’s husband, even if they are divorced. Just when you think him and the dog are about to make-up and become friends, he reignites the argument and the two start having a massive barney in front of Benny and baby Peter!

◆ Adrian Wall

Harry Myers has only been playing everyone’s favourite Killoran for two stories, and he’s already striking gold with his performances. Just top tier work here.

Adrian told Benny that male Killorans usually had no involvement whatsoever with their off-spring, and left it all to the female – innate and genetically in-built reflex, he said. Some sort of basically canine thing in human terms, he said. That wont stop him being a big softie and bringing a cuddly rabbit for his new-born son (it’s actually quite sweet, and it’s really nice to hear a paternal side to him). As much as I adore both characters… I’d definitely be on team Adrian in a fight between him and Jason! Adrian’s people mate for life, so after him and Benny had intercourse… he knows she doesn’t feel the same way about him, and knows that the person was a different mind in the body, but the body is still walking round with Benny in it, and that hurts.

◆ Story Recap

Benny has been attempting to have a bit of downtime with her new-born son, but the constant bickering between the boy’s father and her ex-husband is causing a lot of tension around the Collection. Deciding that she has finally had enough, she decides to do what she does best – head off to some planet to do some archaeology!

As for baby Peter, he’s got his dad and “uncle” to look after him… and that situation soon turns into a fine mess. With Peter kidnapped, and being used as a bargaining chip to make sure Benny helps a corrupt monarchy, it’s up to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum to try and rescue the child. Will Adrian and Jason be able to put aside their differences for the greater good… or will they both end up in the dog house?

◆ Dumb and Dumber

‘The Green-Eyed Monsters’ is a play of two parts. It has a more domestic side, one which follows Adrian and Jason having some male bonding time, all whilst trying (and failing) to look after baby Peter. It also has a more traditional ‘Bernice Summerfield’ side, which sees our series lead heading off to a war-torn planet to do some archaeology. I love how Stone manages to link both plots together, and so seamlessly too.

The domestic side to ‘The Green-Eyed Monsters’ is easily its strongest aspect – Fewell and Myers have got some excellent on-air chemistry, and hearing their characters butting heads is honestly a joy. I love how Benny thinks she’s left her kid in the best possible hands… when Jason has managed to smash the baby bottle and Adrian has landed in a pile of used nappies. They’re absolutely pigging useless fathers, but they do try their best. Even when “Dumb and Dumber” attempt to rescue baby Peter from certain doom, they’re quick to blame each other in front of Benny (cause it would hurt their reputations if anyone thought they were pally with each other). The domestic side of this play is so well written, and provides a great deal of comedy to the adventure.

The more traditional side of ‘The Green-Eyed Monsters’ is also really entertaining. The Lady Ashantra has been reading all the stories about the good professor, including over-exaggerated accounts of how much, and how often, she tends to get inebriated! She’s convinced that Benny is brain-dead, and a borderline alcoholic, and wants her to prove that the idiotic twin heirs are the rightful rulers of the Goronos system. This whole side of the episode basically showcases a villain that has completely underestimated Bernice, and ends up looking like a complete donkey for doing so. Dave Stone has really done a great job with this side of the play too.

◆ Sound Design

‘The Green-Eyed Monsters’ is a dialogue heavy script, so the soundscape is pretty minimalistic. I honestly don’t mind though, as Stone’s script had me laughing my rear off!

The crying of baby Peter, and the squeaking of a fluffy rabbit. A calm bar on the Braxiatel Collection; drinks being made as quiet music plays in the background, and people chat about their day. Jason ends up smashing the baby bottle and spilling all the formula all over the ground like a prat. Bleeping instruments from inside Benny’s Collection shuttle. A tacky welcome parade for Benny and Joseph as they land on Goronos Four. Running water, as a gigantic bath is filled. The Collection has its own criminal corner, including a club filled with shouting and brawling, whilst electronic music drones away in the background.

◆ Music

Hearing the atrocious Richards and Baker theme at the start of this episode made me want to boil my own head, so thankfully it’s only included so that Benny can break the fourth wall and ridicule it; nice to know that even behind the scenes that cringe-worthy track was despised!

◆ Conclusion

“If you thought Peter was in danger, then he’s perfectly safe!”

Dave Stone manages to blend the truly weird of the Whoniverse with down-to-earth domesticity… so you could consider this a precursor to ‘Stranded’. The domestic aspect is where the script truly excelled; getting to hear Adrian and “Uncle Jason” butting heads, whilst being the most useless father figures imaginable, was frankly hilarious!

The plot with Benny and the constitutional crisis in the Goronos System is also really entertaining, and I love the way it blends into the other side of the adventure.

Everything here just clicks, and I’m massively impressed with Dave Stone’s first audio adventure. ‘The Green-Eyed Monsters’ is easily one of my favourite BigFinish scripts of all time – up there with the likes of ‘Year of the Pig’ and ‘Sonny’.

Bernice Summerfield

#3.01. The Greatest Shop in the Galaxy ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

I’d forgotten how small these series were, but we’re already onto the third wave of adventures with everyone’s favourite drunken archaeologist. Series One consisted of some pretty brilliant novel adaptations, whilst the second series saw the writers doing original audio adventures for Benny… the majority of which were sadly pretty bland and vacuous.

It’s a new dawn for the ‘Bernice Summerfield’ range though – some brilliant post-production, acting and stories… and Paul Ebbs may have just created the best adventure so far.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Benny is not digging up the car park of the Gigamarket for nothing. Oh no. There's no way on Sirius One Bee that you could conclude that she was there for any other reason than to investigate the famed Latrines of Baladroon.

Shoes? She was there to buy shoes? Get outta town! Get off the planet bub! And don't come back until you've washed out your brain with new-biological-Cortexscour.

Monsters? Nah! Don't be silly! The Borvali are on their side on the force wall – they could never break through it. And anyway, what would a cross between a ten-foot Pepperami and a cockeyed autopsy want with the Greatest Shop in the Galaxy? I mean, come on, what would they want to buy?

And Time Anomalies? You need the science fiction section on the four hundred and twelfth floor of the book department if you want Time Anomalies, mate. Tch!

Everything here is under control. Honest.

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

Lisa Bowerman’s performance in ‘The Greatest Shop in the Galaxy’ is easily one of her best.

Benny claims she’s going to be busy, busy, busy on Baladroon – she says it will be a unique opportunity and a wonderful dig… when she’s actually going to buy herself some stuff for baby Peter, and nab a new pair of shoes! She’s left Adrian with the baby, and stolen his credit card, and she’s far from amused when she realises the card’s balance has been frozen. Benny has a bit of experience in time travel herself. If there is one thing she has learnt in the years of her life, it’s that there is no such thing as a coincidence, and when there is… it’s time to run and duck for cover! She scorns a soldier for using violence by punching him, but it turns out that he’s into that kind of thing (Dear Christ, you sure do end up with the worst blokes, Benny). By the end of this story, she’s completely had enough… and starts battering a temporal bomb with a flaming shoe! I think I’m more shocked that said plan actually stopped the bomb.

◆ Story Recap

Prof. Summerfield is heading to the planet Baladroon for what she believes is an exciting dig, which could reveal some very rare artefacts for the Collection. Brax is convinced she’s got an ulterior motive though… since the dig is happening in the car park of the Gigamarket – also known as “the Greatest Shop in the Galaxy!”

It sells everything you can possibly want; everything from six whole floors of stationery, to a literal canyon filled with shoes (including ones which are infused with LSD)! Of course Benny is using the dig to swan around one of the largest retail outlets known to mankind, even if she’d never admit that to her illustrious employer.

Things soon start going very wrong though, as the Gigamarket is affected by time disturbances that bring a hostile force from the other side of Baladroon into the shop… and then the Borvali begin their massacre. There’s a dangerous secret in the Gigamarket, and a horrifying deal that has been made between its execs and the Borvali, and Benny is about to uncover it.

◆ The Frozen Aisles

Speaking as someone who absolutely despises shopping, mainly because I do it for a job, something like Gigamarket would be my own personal hell, though I can admit that it’s still a really cool concept!

When I’m visualising this giant shopping outlet, I’m just picturing an infinite IKEA that also happens to stock frozen food, toiletries, and a ton of alcohol… actually, I’m shocked Benny didn’t spend most of her time here purchasing as much vodka as possible (I’d probably be clearing the shelves of Disaronno and Malibu)! Of course, this being a story set in the Whoniverse, there is a seedy underbelly to the Gigamarket… and that revolves around their hidden levels that are exclusively used by the Borvali.

This bestial species made a deal which meant they would stop attacking humanity, but only if Gigamarket could supply them with human bodies for food. In other words, Gigamarket has turned the Borvali from savage man-eating monsters, into savage man-eating customers (the frozen aisles are literally just a larder for them)!

◆ Clean-up on Aisle 3!

‘The Greatest Shop in the Galaxy’ reminded me of two other audio adventures: the deal between the Gigamarket and the Borvali reminds me of how the Khellian turned Phoenix colony into their own human farm during ‘Three’s a Crowd’ (except that this story is actually enjoyable, and doesn’t feature Peri bullying people with agoraphobia).

It also puts me in mind a little bit of ‘Zero Hour’, from the Torchwood side of BigFinish. Just like Gigamarket, Delivarables had a pretty horrifying secret at its heart too. That being said, I think being turned into sand is probably less horrifying a prospect than being put on meat hooks and sold to Borvali families for Sunday dinner!

◆ Management & Sentient Ping-Pong Balls

I’d like to give some praise to the characters in this episode, all of which are marvellously written and performed. Keelor is a slimy executive working for Gigamarket, and one of the people responsible for the shop’s vile deal with the Borvali… and he keeps trying to feel up Benny (yuck!). The whole of my first listen, I was convinced I recognised his voice, and it turns out that Keelor is played by David Benson (who us ‘Iris Wildthyme’ fans will know as Panda).

There’s also Joseph the Porter: an artificial intelligence that was given to Benny by Irving, and appears to be based off of the drone used by the People in ‘Walking to Babylon’. Steven Wickham does a great job playing our spherical drone, even if Joseph does spend most of this episode going slightly doo-lally!

◆ Sound Design

It appears that Steve Johnson hasn’t done that much for BigFinish, but was primarily a cover artist, with ‘The Greatest Shop in the Galaxy’ being the only time he contributed to the post-production side of things. That’s a huge shame, because he does an excellent job here. The audio landscape in this story is so well put-together, and really helps you to visualise the seemingly never-ending Gigamarket.

Clanking metal, as robots unload Benny’s shuttle craft. There’s a tsunami of spit coming out of Joggon’s mouth every time he speaks. Joseph the droid starts glitching out and shouting “boing!” randomly throughout the episode. Gigamarket is noisy and filled to the brim with shoppers looking for whatever they might desire; everything from archaeology books, to shoes and stationary. The shoes get effected by temporal anomalies and start turning back into cows… a mooing shoe, that’s certainly new. The Gigamarket is filled with screaming punters, as the Borvali emerge and being ripping them to shreds! Swinging meat hooks hanging boil in the bag humans from the ceiling, all for the Borvali. Time distortions spiralling out of the temporal bomb. Joggon pleasures himself to death as the Gigamarket stocks begin plummeting.

◆ Music

The music is marvellous in ‘The Greatest Shop in the Galaxy’, and feels like it’s been sampled from any supermarket radio that refuses to play actual music. It’s repetitive and a bit twee, but works very well. The action scenes are also peppered with a remixed version of the theme tune, which works amazingly.

◆ Conclusion

“All I wanted was a pair of bloody shoes, and I’d be happy!”

This is Paul Ebbs first contribution to the world of ‘Bernice Summerfield’, and it’s honestly my favourite story in the range so far… even if the title is based on one of my least favourite Seventh Doctor stories.

I genuinely don’t think I’ve laughed this much in a long time. ‘The Greatest Shop in the Galaxy’ is definitely what I’d call a bleak comedy, with the humour coming from the setting and the way some of the characters were written. It’s also got a very dark twist that really comes as quite the shock to the system. Extremely well written, and what a marvellous job you’ve done Mr Ebbs.

Bernice Summerfield

#2.04. The Skymines of Karthos ~ 7/10

◆ An Introduction

David Bailey is our second returning writer… though his previous script was certainly nothing to write home about: genuinely, I couldn’t tell you a single thing that happened in ‘The Secret of Cassandra’.

I’m always willing to give someone a second chance though, so let’s dive into this one… just watch out for the Karthosian fireflies.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

When Bernice receives a message from her old friend Caitlin, saying that she's found evidence of a ruined civilisation on the mining colony of Karthos, the good professor is naturally intrigued. After all, the planet is meant to be barren, with no life other than the colonists.

Arriving on Karthos, Bernice finds that Caitlin is missing, and the colony is under attack from vicious creatures that seem to have come from nowhere. Bernice has no choice but to set out for the heart of the ruins to discover just why Karthos seems to have sprung to life once more…

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

Lisa Bowerman’s performance in this final episode is pretty good.

Benny decides to go to Karthos in Irving’s personal shuttle (I’m sure he’s gonna love you for that). Once upon a time she might have been tempted to fly into a giant fireball in the sky, but given her current condition (five months pregnant with Adrian’s kid) there’s something a little bit off-putting about said giant fireball. She’s an expert at archaeology, but she threatens the fireflies by claiming she’s also good at hair pulling.

◆ Story Recap

A couple of parsecs away from the Braxiatel Collection is a small human mining colony. Karthos was supposedly an uninhabited world, with a burning sky… but a member of an environmental research team has apparently discovered the ruins of a lost civilisation up in the mountains.

Caitlin Peters got in touch with Benny about this and promised to report back with her findings… that was a few weeks ago. Since then, Caitlin has been missing in action. This prompts Benny to steal Brax’s personal shuttle and investigate.

What has happened to Caitlin, and is there really a lost civilisation on the surface of Karthos?

◆ Third Nondescript Planet of Series 2

David Bailey’s second contribution to the ‘Bernice Summerfield’ range is a definite improvement over his first… but I still found it lacking a certain something. The story is most definitely the weakest aspect, taking place on the third nondescript planet of Series Two (following Chosan and Rhinvil), and having the Karthosian Fireflies act like a generic monster of the week. Also, I love how they’re named “fireflies”… despite resembling massive vampire bats!

◆ Sound Design

Toby Richards and Emily Baker have finally been sacked, so I’m no longer filled with dread discussing the sound design. The soundscape is quite good, bringing the harsh landscape of Karthos to life.

The ringing of Braxiatel’s phone, followed by his answering machine. The growling of Karthosian fireflies, which sound oddly like a snarling cat, as they attempt to break into Konstantin’s lab. The cold icy winds of Karthos whistle around Benny. The actual speech of the fireflies reminds me of how CABAL would speak in Command & Conquer Tiberian Sun.

◆ Music

David Darlington’s music in ‘The Skymines of Karthos’ is properly mixed and doesn’t sound like it was recorded on water-damaged equipment. While the overall quality is leaps and bounds ahead of what we have endured in the last four releases, the music itself isn’t anything to write home about.

◆ Conclusion

“It’s the fireflies I’m concerned about…”

That’s the second series over, and it was pretty average if I’m honest (the only exception being Lance Parkin’s excellent episode). ‘The Skymines of Karthos’ has a lot going for it, mainly the fact we’ve actually got some listenable post-production again… now that Richards and Baker have politely been sacked!

That being said, this is the second Bailey script I’ve heard, and the second where the plot just feels like an after thought. Luckily for us, Series Three is absolutely magnificent.

Bernice Summerfield

#2.03. The Extinction Event ~ 9/10

◆ An Introduction

Series Two feels like it exists for one reason, and that is introducing us to some of the major players in the ‘Bernice Summerfield’ range.

We got to meet the amazing Adrian Wall in the last adventure, and now we get to encounter Benny’s enigmatic, cunning employer.

Are you ready to meet Irving Braxiatel?

◆ Publisher’s Summary

An exclusive auction house is offering the only known object to have survived the destruction of the planet Halstad.

Professor Bernice Summerfield goes with Irving Braxiatel to secure this unique object for the Braxiatel Collection. But this is not a straightforward sale. There is a murderer on the loose, on the trail of whoever owns the Halstad Harp.

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

Lisa Bowerman gave her best performance since ‘Just War’ in this adventure, which isn’t surprising: both stories were penned by Lance Parkin.

Benny is meant to be supervising a dig on some mud-ball… but has instead decided to stay in her prefabricated hut, in her pyjamas! I love that she walks into the auction house and just starts critiquing all the artefacts, including the fact some of the Martian memorabilia has been labelled with the wrong region! She never forgets a face. Benny knows that there are super weapons all over the universe, if you know where to look. She’s been in the middle of wars, seen friends killed, and her own mother died in the Galactic Wars when she was only eight years old.

◆ Irving Braxiatel (Brax of Dellah)

This has been a long time coming. A cunning business man, and rumoured to be the Doctor’s older brother, Braxiatel has been shrouded in mystery. I’m so happy to finally be discussing him. Miles Richardson was perfect casting for the role, and he delivers a faultless performance in this episode.

Braxiatel doesn’t do social visits, but he does like to know how his money is being spent. His reputation as a collector precedes him, so he needs to keep his head down… or the price of the Harp will likely sky-rocket. His official title is that of Lord Cardinal, but it’s clear he just goes by Brax these days.

◆ Story Recap

The planet Halstad – also known as the planet of ash – was destroyed by cosmic rays seven years ago, relative to the year 2600. The human civilisation was wiped out, the seas evaporated, and even the first few layers of bedrock were atomised. The whole world became a sterile desert.

20,000 years of recorded history was wiped out… except for a single artefact, and Irving Braxiatel believes it’s the right time to add the Halstads to the Collection’s inventory.

At a very special auction known as the Extinction Event, a Halstad harp is about to go on sale… but matters are soon complicated when an attempt is made on the seller’s life, and complicated even more when the reason for that attempt is made clear.

◆ Antiques Roadshow

It’s revealed that the Gulfrarg Ambassador is actually responsible for the destruction of Halstad, and that it was a Gulfrarg battle ship that bombarded the planet with cosmic rays. That then begs the question of why?

It all revolves around the titular Extinction Event – this special auction where people come to buy and sell items that originate from civilisations that have long ceased to be, those that have been wiped out and made extinct.

Before destroying Halstad, the Ambassador made sure to acquire one of their famed harps… and its value completely skyrocketed when the planet was decimated. In other words, genocide in the pursuit of profit. It’s a sickening plot, and definitely not one I’ve encountered before.

◆ Sound Design

I bring good news! This is the last episode where the poor quality, glitch ridden work of Toby Richards and Emily Baker will be polluting this range. Hallelujah for that! I know I’ve been really rather harsh with my criticism of their sound work, but it’s been consistently awful for three releases now. Shockingly, they did an alright job with ‘The Extinction Event’.

Flowing water and tweeting birds in Halstad’s distant past, interrupted by the beautiful sound of an ancient harp. A devastating burst of cosmic rays wipes out all life on the planet, causing a great gust of wind… before it subsides, leaving behind only a deathly silence. Drizzling rain on the mud planet. Irving Braxiatel’s private shuttle coming in to land. A band playing classical music in the Extinction Event auction house. The horrific gurgling of the Gulfrarg Ambassador is honestly similar to the growls of the Jagrafess. A stun gun discharges on Hulver.

◆ Conclusion

“This sale is exclusively of items from lost civilisations.”

Come to the Extinction Event and see some of the rarest artefacts in the multiverse go under the hammer. Next up, the Halstad Harp (comes with all its original strings, and a murderer who just so happens to be the last of the Halstadian race).

Lance Parkin has absolutely nailed it with ‘The Extinction Event’. A brilliantly interesting plot, and the introduction of Miles Richardson as Braxiatel… and everybody loves Irving Braxiatel!

Bernice Summerfield

#2.02. The Stone’s Lament ~ 7/10

◆ An Introduction

A planet made entirely of rocks and filled with thunderstorms. Bleak, desolate, and the perfect place to go on holiday if you’re having a mid-life crisis and have a taste for My Chemical Romance. Welcome to Rhinvil… where Benny is going to meet a rather disturbing fan.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Bratheen Traloor, reclusive billionaire, has lived alone for over twenty years on the planet Rhinvil.

Now he has broken his isolation, inviting Bernice Summerfield to examine a mysterious artefact unearthed during building work at his sprawling mansion.

Accompanying Benny is Adrian Wall, the Kiloran construction manager from the Braxiatel Collection. Adrian is responsible for overseeing the work, but his construction crew has vanished, and soon he and Benny discover that Traloor is not as alone as they might think…

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

Lisa Bowerman does a pretty good job in ‘The Stone’s Lament’.

Benny thinks the artefact on Rhinvil sounds interesting, so she’s been up bright and early to do a little bit of homework on the planet, and their host. It’s clear that Adrian has some rather different views on archaeology to her, and she’s appalled at his lack of respect for history – what point is progress if the past ends up destroyed in the process? Benny believes that people tend to just complicate your life, but that she’s just gotten used to the complications. The archaeologist's life suits her; something that gives her a lot of pleasure. She thinks archaeology has a lot more life in it than you may expect. Benny is quite rightfully horrified at the obsessive collection of her photographs Traloor has compiled.

◆ Adrian Wall

This episode is notable for introducing possibly my favourite character in the whole range: a seven foot Killoran who got his rocks off with Benny, not realising that she was possessed by an evil witch named Avril Fenman – trust me, we’ll be discussing the novels from this series in due course. Voicing our favourite big dog is the wonderful Harry Myers, who delivers a top notch debut performance.

Adrian is convinced that Traloor is barking mad for wanting to settle on Rhinvil. He can think of far more comfortable ways of getting some privacy, like a pleasure station or a private island. It never ceases to amaze him that Benny can dig up anything at all with a few trowels and brushes… as he’d rather focus on using a JCB to dig the biggest hole possible! Killorans are apparently born uncouth, but Benny vouches for Adrian, and claims that he is a good man. Adrian decides to get hammered in Traloor’s bar, and then nearly cacks himself when someone pretending to be Benny starts shouting after him!

◆ Story Recap

Barren, rocky, and surrounded by thunderstorms: that’s the best way to describe the desolate planet of Rhinvil. Nobody ever wants to come here, so it’s the perfect place for a reclusive billionaire to build his gigantic mansion.

Bratheen Traloor is in the midst of having a new wing built onto his home, with plans to turn it into a gallery for any artefacts he comes across during his amateur archaeological expeditions. Only, something has went very wrong on the planet’s surface.

It appears that the Killoran construction crew have vanished without a trace, meaning work on the new wing has ground to a halt. The head of the construction crew, Adrian Wall, has been sent to investigate by Irving Braxiatel. Accompanying him is Prof. Summerfield, as Traloor wants her expert opinion on an artefact found during the construction work… but his interest in Benny extends far beyond mere academia.

◆ Prof. Summerfield and the Yandere!

Mike Tucker has written some excellent audio adventures – with the only major dud from him being ‘Dust Breeding’ – so I was naturally excited to hear him tackle a different range. Unfortunately, this episode felt a little half-baked.

The mansion is sentient, trying to force Benny and Adrian to leave, because it contains the consciousness of the planet who is head over heels for its billionaire owner.

The plot is easily one the weaker aspects of ‘The Stone’s Lament’. That being said, even I wasn’t expecting Traloor to be revealed as a literal yandere: his bedroom walls are plastered with photos of Benny, and he’s got all of her lectures recorded too! I’m sure your imagination can probably guess what he gets up to in that room, so let’s not even mention it, because I don’t particularly wanna lose my appetite.

◆ Sound Design

How unfortunate! Toby Richards and Emily Baker are still doing their best to deafen me and overpower all the dialogue. The soundscape for this episode was pretty average.

Heavy rain during a thunderstorm on Rhinvil. The distorted voice of the House sounds like someone has stuck a Dictaphone inside a fish bowl. Construction equipment being moved around by Adrian. Voices phase in and out of earshot, disorientating our Collection representatives. Music playing inside of Traloor’s mansion bar. Waves lapping against the pebble beaches of Rhinvil. The mansion begins to collapse, great big stones and rocks rolling into the sea.

◆ Music

The music is alright in ‘The Stone’s Lament’, but I really wish it wasn’t overpowering everything around it. I would like to be able to hear something of the dialogue at one point.

◆ Conclusion

“I like to surround myself with beauty, Bernice.”

A sentient planet that has merged with an artificial intelligence, that just so happens to love its owner… and the owner just so happens to be a reclusive billionaire who has an unhealthy obsession with Benny.

‘The Stone’s Lament’ is pretty inoffensive, and it definitely wont set the literary world on fire. That being said, Lisa Bowerman delivers a really good performance, and Harry Myers does an amazing job as Adrian Wall (who may have just become one of my favourite characters in this whole range). It’s a good enough story, but by no means exceptional.

Bernice Summerfield

#2.01. The Secret of Cassandra ~ 4/10

◆ An Introduction

The second wave of ‘Bernice Summerfield’ plays brought with it a couple of big changes, the most important of which was the choice to create original storylines for the range. This choice is something that I’m massively in favour of, because it means things are going to be original from this point onward, they hope.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

A vicious war between two nations is coming to a head, and the final movements are centred on the sailing ship Cassandra. Along with a very strange cargo, Cassandra carries Captain Colley, a man with his own sad burden, and the paranoid General Brennan, a woman convinced that her actions will end the war once and for all. Their grim mission goes entirely to plan, until the Cassandra gains an extra passenger – a shipwrecked archaeology professor by the name of Bernice Summerfield.

Sensing something is very wrong aboard the ship, Bernice's snooping brings her close to a terrible truth. Soon, Bernice doesn't know who to trust, and she can no longer be sure if anyone is who they claim to be…

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

Lisa Bowerman kicks of Series Two with a decent enough performance, though nothing that will set the world on fire.

If Benny hadn’t fallen asleep under the lovely, baking Chosan sun… her yacht probably wouldn’t have strayed into the path of a warship. They shot her clean out of the water, but at least they had the decency to shipwreck her on an island, even if there’s nothing there. She promises General Brennan that she is not a spy. It seems that Benny’s idea of small talk is to joke about putting poison in Brennan’s wine (she’s clearly the last person you want at a dinner party)! She claims to be good at ending up in more trouble. Benny is convinced that Captain Colley is weak, and that he should have just thrown himself overboard when his wife died, rather than dragging the whole world into his mad scheme.

◆ Story Recap

Benny has been holidaying on the Earth colony of Chosan… and it just so happens that two of the largest continents here are at war with each other. Whilst taking in the sun’s rays, and fast asleep at sea, her yacht suddenly strays into the path of a warship, and she soon finds herself stranded on a desert island.

After a few days, she’s rescued by Captain Damian Colley of the SS Cassandra – a high-tech Chosan craft that has been stylised to resemble a 17th century Earth sailing ship! The only other passenger is one General Brennan, who has some precious cargo that it’s vital to take back to her homeland… cargo that can win her the war. But is there something else going on here?

Captain Colley seems to be working for both sides of the conflict, but claims to be a neutral party, which is far from the truth.

◆ A Sentient Bomb?

Series 2 was the first time original adventures were being released under the ‘Bernice Summerfield’ banner, which meant there were so many avenues of possibility one could explore… but instead, we got a script that felt completely bland and generic.

‘The Secret of Cassandra’ revolves around Cpt. Colley wanting to help the forces of Pevana in utterly annihilating the opposing continent, after their forces caused the death of his daughter – the namesake of his precious ship. The man that General Brennan, a Calabraxian soldier, has under lock and key in the Cassandra’s hold turns out to be a walking bomb.

The idea is incredibly average, but then the script decides that the walking bomb is actually Colley’s dead daughter, who transplanted her mind into another body! The revelation comes out of nowhere and makes zero sense. That sort of mind-swapping will be explored again by BigFinish in ‘Blood of the Daleks’, but it actually made sense in that release.

◆ Sound Design

The overall production quality is still abysmal: audio glitches are a prominent feature, completely drowning out the dialogue at times. It genuinely baffles me that this got past BigFinish’s quality control team.

◆ Music

I see that Toby Richards and Emily Baker are continuing to linger like a bad smell… and so is that dreadful theme tune they created! Seriously, the lyrics are so awful that a little bit of sick comes into my mouth the moment I hear “I love the adventure, the thrill of a mystery, my only release!”

◆ Conclusion

I usually begin this section with a quote from the episode, but the writing here was so uninspired that I couldn’t find any interesting dialogue. The plot was seriously boring: every element of it – aside from a walking bomb and a 17th century sailing ship – left my mind mere moments after listening to it.

It doesn’t help that we’re still cursed with the abysmal post-production work of Toby Richards and Emily Baker!

‘The Secret of Cassandra’ adds nothing to the overall story arc, so you should honestly just skip it.

Doctor Who – The Ninth Doctor Chronicles

#1.02. The Window on the Moor ~ 5/10

◆ An Introduction

People tend to believe that the celebrity historicals – where the Doctor encounters a famous figure from history and confronts something relating to their work – are an invention of the revival. Said people have clearly forgotten about ‘Timelash’. This is completely understandable, however, given that said script was the written equivalent of watching paint dry for ninety minutes.

Charles Dickens has encountered gaseous beings during the festive season; Agatha Christie solved a murder mystery involving a giant alien wasp; and let’s not forget the utterly heartbreaking ‘Vincent and the Doctor’.

Now it’s time for the least known of the Brontë sisters to feature in a celebrity historical… which also means I can quote this!

“Out on the wiley, windy moors
We'd roll and fall in green
You had a temper like my jealousy
Too hot, too greedy
How could you leave me
When I needed to possess you?
I hated you, I loved you, too…”

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Emily and her sisters once told each other fables of warring kingdoms: wicked princes, noble dukes, and their battling armies. Now she wanders the moors of her childhood alone, remembering those tales. The TARDIS arrives amid a strange civil war, with prisons made of glass and cities stalked by terrifying beasts. As windows open between worlds, stories and storyteller meet, and Rose comes face to face with Emily Brontë.

◆ The Ninth Doctor

The previous episode was so mediocre that I found myself struggling to find anything worth writing about in my review. I would say that Una McCormack offers us something more imaginative, but her characterisation of the Doctor was frankly bland and forgettable.

This is going to sound incredibly insulting, but why does this impersonation sound like Barney the Dinosaur is behind the microphone? I honestly think Briggsy is pitching his voice too low, which completely breaks my immersion. The accent was also quite shaky; often sounding more like Yorkshire than Mancunian.

Helping people escape is what he does; he turns up and he helps people. The Doctor believes that everybody is important.

◆ Rose Tyler

Other reviews have praised the amount of good material given to Rose, which made me seriously wonder if I was listening to the wrong episode; all that personality from the character’s other appearances has vanished. She spends the entire runtime chasing after a random side character.

This impersonation wasn’t great, and I don’t think anyone expected it would be. The fake cockney accent sounds like something you would hear in an amateur dramatics performance of Mary Poppins!

The Doctor describes her as being mouthy, but means well. Rose claims to move around a lot, so she doesn’t always hear the news. Maybes she’ll read Wuthering Heights one day.

◆ The Glass Town Game

Inside a small Yorkshire parsonage, the siblings of the Brontë family have invented a game called Glass Town, where their toy soldiers fight Napoleon and no one died. This make-believe land helps the four escape from a harsh reality: Charlotte and Emily are being sent away to a dangerous boarding school.

This episode focuses on a planet locked in civil war. Duke Alexandro’s people are stepping through interdimensional windows in order to escape the fighting; one of these windows leads to mid-nineteenth century Yorkshire, where Emily Brontë finds herself wandering the moors of her childhood. Science-fantasy is something that this franchise does very well, so it saddens me that so many writers shy away from it.

I’m sure that some of you will be confused as to why I’ve given this episode such a low rating, because the concept is clearly one I’m enthusiastic about. This leads me neatly onto my biggest issue, and that’s the pacing. Una McCormack hit upon a gold mine of ideas when she decided to take inspiration from the Glass Town Game, so I’m astounded that this episode ended up being one of the most boring things I’ve listened to in quite some time. I’m desperately in need of something entertaining and fast-paced, which gives me the perfect excuse to rewatch Helluva Boss once I finish writing this review!

◆ Sound Design

A city made of dark metal and glass. It’s a description that conjures up images of great obsidian spires casting imposing shadows, but how can you bring such a visual location to life in the realm of audio?

The sound effects here are used very sparingly to create an intoxicating atmosphere. One scene springs to mind where the Doctor is locked in a dungeon, and all you can hear is his voice echoing off the glass walls. Less is more in the case of this soundscape. Joe Meiners has done a terrific job.

◆ Music

An ethereal and dreamy score that perfectly matches the setting. It’s subtle, but highly effective.

◆ Conclusion

“Follow me to victory. In this world, the next, and a thousand worlds beyond!”

Duke Alexandro’s people are stepping through interdimensional windows in order to escape their civil war; one of these windows leads to mid-nineteenth century Yorkshire, where Emily Brontë finds herself wandering the moors of her childhood…

I expected that a script taking inspiration from the rather unknown Glass Town Game would be ethereal and moody, but all that potential has been wasted. Instead, we’re treated to the slowest pacing known to mankind and an adventure seriously lacking in actual depth.

The acting was pretty atrocious too. Rose could easily be replaced by any girl with attitude and a cockney accent, whilst the Doctor sounds like he is being voiced by Barney the Dinosaur!

I considered giving up on this range altogether, because the quality seems to be severely lacking, but I’m holding out hope that the James Goss script will be well worth the wait.

Doctor Who – Short Trips

#8.06. The Siege of Big Ben ~ 8/10

◆ An Introduction

I’d never really taken the plunge into the ‘Short Trips’, but seeing that two of them were narrated by Camille Coduri encouraged me to make an impulse purchase; discovering they were both penned by one of my favourite writers was just the icing on the cake!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Jackie Tyler has everything she's ever wanted: a loving husband and, two children. But a terrible, far-reaching plan is underway, and only Jackie and a single friend stand in the way of it.

But the Doctor isn't the man he was…

◆ Jackie Tyler

I absolutely love that the framing device for this episode is just Jackie necking a bottle of wine and having a natter with one of her mates: you cannot tell me that’s not in character. She’s taken to life in the parallel universe like a duck to water, and I’m sure that has nothing to do with the multi-million pound mansion she’s currently living in! Joseph Lidster scripts are always going to be showered in praise from me, but I would honestly adore a whole Jackie box set written by him. I don't think that’s asking too much, BigFinish!

Camille Coduri has spent the last couple of years becoming one of the most adored performers amongst fans, and for good reason. She brings this boundless enthusiasm into any script she is given, and that is most definitely true of ‘The Siege of Big Ben’. Honestly, I had the biggest grin on my face throughout.

Jackie thinks it seems silly chatting in the kitchen when they have all this space, but she likes it in there. Beryl should have seen her old flat, back in her universe: it was tiny compared to the Tyler Mansion, and you could’ve fit the whole flat into her downstairs loo! She’s not sure if they had Del Boy in this universe. It’s funny, even after all this time, Jackie keeps finding things that are different: not just the big things – like Zeppelins, and what this lot did to the Royal Family – it’s the little things, like how they play football backwards and how they don’t have EastEnders; she misses EastEnders. Only last week, she was telling Veronica of Reykjavík how much she prefers French wine to Spanish wine. Guess who went and saved the world on Tuesday? It was her: Jackie Tyler saved the world! One thing that’s the same in any universe: you can’t beat a packet of dry roasted peanuts. She works for a top-secret organisation that stops aliens invading, called UNIT; she proceeds to tell Beryl this classified information… twice! People think she is a lady of leisure, but actually, she helps defend the Earth! There has only ever been Pete for her, even when he was dead. Jackie is head of food distribution for UNIT, which basically means she’s a glorified dinner lady with a fancy title. Last time she had a job, she nearly caused the end of the world with Glubby Glubs! She doesn’t like to go on about it, but she’s a martyr to her feet. She has to wear these expensive shoes when they all have these fancy functions: they look lovely, but they’re not made for comfort. Give her her trainers any day. UNIT operates out of Big Ben: the canteen is right behind the big clock. Jackie has to sit there covering her ears like she’s Mary Poppins, and if they haven’t got Mary Poppins in this universe, she’s off home! Jackie completely understands Krista’s motivations: she would do exactly the same thing if it had been Rose, nothing would’ve stopped her! But she also knows, cause of the Doctor, that we can’t change what’s happened. Jackie has got this amazing house, and she’s got her family back, but she didn’t choose this. The Doctor turned up in her life, and one day he just took her away from it: she knows it wasn't really his fault, but it’s true! She didn’t choose any of this, she’s just had to make the best of it. Jackie misses her home, she misses the estate, she misses her Uncle Tony, and she even misses flipping Trisha Delaney! She misses Mickey so much, but she can never see any of them ever again, and she can’t change that. All she can do is think about the good stuff: we just have to accept that bad stuff happens, but once it’s happened, we can’t change it. Jackie needs to see the Doctor again tomorrow, needs to see if they can find a way through this: she misses him being her friend.

◆ The Clock Tower

Joseph Lidster has expanded on the already established lore surrounding this universe, by introducing us to their version of UNIT. The taskforce was formed following the merger of Torchwood and the Preachers, with the majority of the Tyler family being employed there.

I find it quite amusing that their headquarters is based within Big Ben: they must provide all personnel with complimentary packets of Nurofen, given their constant proximity to the loudest bells in the capital! I can only imagine how stunning the view would be from the Doctor’s laboratory though, situated at the clock tower’s summit. Here’s hoping nobody crashes a spaceship through it, like they did in our reality…

◆ Conclusion

“Jackie Tyler saved the world!”

Krista Lateef was deeply affected by the death of her daughter – one of the many Londoners controlled by their EarPods and converted into a Cyberman – but what if she discovered a way to save her? Someone has been growing a time machine in UNIT headquarters, but Jackie knows more than most that you can’t change the past.

Camille Coduri steps into the hot-seat for this episode, and her narration is simply glorious. I absolutely love that the framing device for this episode is just Jackie necking a bottle of wine and having a natter with one of her mates: you cannot tell me that’s not in character. Almost her entire family are going on missions for UNIT, whilst she has been installed as head of food distribution: essentially a glorified dinner lady with a poncy title!

My review is going to seem somewhat sparse, but what do you expect from a range of thirty-minute long adventures? I had the biggest grin on my face whilst listening to ‘The Siege of Big Ben’, and cannot wait to hear the other half of this Meta-Crisis duology.

Doctor Who – Dark Gallifrey

#1.01. Morbius: Part One ~ 8/10

◆ An Introduction

It seems that BigFinish are moving away from their usual box set format, in favour of doing epic adventures told across multiple hours. I was really rather excited when they revealed ‘Dark Gallifrey’, though that was quickly overtaken by bemusement at the decision to start with Morbius!

That’s enough rambling, because it’s Morbin’ time!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

When things turn dark, and you're all alone, there is one traveller of time and space... a wanderer in the fourth dimension... a renegade Time Lord... who will always be there to bring back the light.

But the thing about Time Lords... is they can't all be heroes.

The time has come for the last Time Lord battleship, the Proteus, to leave the planet Karn and return to Gallifrey victorious. But her voyage home will not be easy. The Captain is sick, the crew is restless, and there are dark forces lurking in the hold below…

◆ The Third Morbius

Tim Foley has something of an advantage with his choice of renegade: Morbius is largely a blank slate, and what little we know about him is infused with vague, strange Time Lord lore. He’s an indestructible force that plays fast and loose with other people’s bodies and minds. So every time you think he’s been defeated he inhabits somebody else and takes strength from them in some new and innovative way.

One of my main worries heading into this mini-series was Samuel West. He’s proven himself to be a great performer in the past, but the last time he portrayed Morbius – in the second series of ‘Eighth Doctor Adventures’ – wasn’t great. Fifteen years have passed since that outing, and his performance in this episode was exceptionally good: those scenes of Morbius whispering to Veritas sent chills down my spine!

From an early age, Morbius discovered he had a power over people. It was not his cleverness or his cunning which made him so dangerous – though he possessed such qualities in abundance – it was his charisma, which glowed so brightly within him, though some were blind to the light. His first teacher, Grimdar, could not overlook the fact that the boy was from a lesser sect: an unnamed house. On the first day of the revolution, Morbius made sure that the Academy was the first institution to fall. Before the massacre began, he wanted Grimdar to see, and there were many more massacres to come. The nameless president tried their best to quell the fires, but Morbius’ influence grew wider and stronger. His charisma was now an inferno, his followers would happily burn in it! The first time Morbius ever left the Capitol, it was a field trip to see Pazithi bats on one of their moons, and no doubt his classmates had ventured into space before – on chartered flights, private yachts, wearing their gilded robes from distant worlds – but he had never once left their skies. He stared back in wonder at their home: a marble of a city against the blaze of burnt orange. It looked so small and fragile as they flew away, so he lined up his hand against the viewport, getting the perspective just right, and he pretended he was crushing it!

◆ Story Recap

The Proteus was the last remaining ship on Karn; her battleship brethren had all gone home to Gallifrey, while she remained there as decreed by the new High Council. Her crew was to ensure that the Sisterhood were all resettled, and that any stray survivors from Morbius’s forces were gathered as prisoners.

After many moons in this broken landscape, these final Gallifreyans were getting ready to leave, but somebody else would be joining them: Gilda, a handmaiden of the Sisterhood.

◆ Anchors Away!

Someone seems to be developing a fascination for fantastic and dangerous voyages: first the treacherous waters of Mehr Kee, then the Nightjar… now the Proteus. This creaking matchbox resembles an old-fashioned wooden galley, but don’t be fooled: the Proteus is more than capable of sailing through the vortex. Tim Foley spends Part One introducing us to some of the crew mates.

Argento is the no-nonsense captain. One of the first ordinary Gallifreyans to be given the gift of regeneration, she appears to have fallen ill during the voyage back home; needing a constant supply of the Sisterhood’s Elixir of Life to stabilise her condition.

Mr. Middlewitch is the dependable first mate of the Proteus, though he’s recently taken on more duties given the ailing health of the good captain.

Then you have Gilda: a handmaiden of the Sisterhood sent to deliver their famous elixir, and accompany the Gallifreyans on their voyage through the vortex. She seems somewhat naïve, but demonstrates a caring side when dealing with the Shimmering Man.

But what about Morbius himself? He barely appears in this episode, but occasionally whispers into the minds of his followers, like Veritas: it’s reminiscent of how the “Bruce” Master operated in ‘Faustian’.

◆ Sound Design

Can you imagine something resembling The Fighting Temeraire sailing through the time vortex, surrounded by a kaleidoscope of light and colours? The image of the Proteus in flight is absolutely stunning! Howard Carter has done an excellent job at bringing it to life.

Flashbacks to the first day of the revolution feature staser fire, as Morbius and his forces storm the Academy. Battles from the Gallifreyan Civil War echo throughout the cold open, showcasing the utter chaos unleashed by the warring factions. Gallifreyan sailors prepare themselves for the voyage home; the wooden hull of the Proteus creaks, whilst crew mates order each other about. The followers of Morbius locked in the hold begin howling like wolves. The Proteus sails through the chaos of the vortex, dodging temporal lightning: the grinding of its engines sounds similar to a TARDIS.

◆ Music

I couldn’t imagine anyone else composing for this series. Carter’s flair for the cinematic is unmistakable, and he really makes you feel like we’re all joining the Proteus for one heck of a voyage!

◆ Conclusion

“The vortex took a beating. Any more damage to it, and who knows what it’ll unleash…”

The Proteus has finally received the summons to return home, but the journey will be fraught with dangers. The Gallifreyan people believe that the tyrant is long dead, but Captain Argento and her crew will soon discover that Morbius is a very difficult man to kill…

Our fantastic voyage has begun, and what a brilliant first chapter! Tim Foley spends most of this episode introducing us to the cast of characters populating this antiquated sailing ship, and it appears the good captain is suffering from a mystery condition.

Morbius is cleverly kept as a background presence in Part One, whispering in the minds of his followers. It honestly makes him downright creepy, and Samuel West carries such presence in these scenes.

I can highly recommend picking this one up. I’m very excited to continue my journey through the stories of ‘Dark Gallifrey’.

Virgin Missing Adventures

#002. Evolution ~ 5/10

◆ An Introduction

John Peel: now there’s a name I never wanted to see again. Someone on Twitter told me that they couldn’t understand how he kept getting work, though I’ve got a sneaking suspicion it was because – once upon a time – he was the only writer the Terry Nation estate would actually trust with the Daleks.

Believe me when I say that I’d quite happily ignore this book altogether, but I promised myself I would go through this entire range to make up for the fact it took me five months to review ‘The Wheel of Ice’. I’m really regretting that decision now!

I severely doubt that ‘Evolution’ will be worse than ‘Timewyrm: Genesys’, because it would be an impressive feat to be quite so appallingly awful. I’ve been proven wrong before though, so don’t hold your breath.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

"Someone is tampering with the fabric of the human cell," the Doctor said darkly, "perverting its secrets to his own dark purposes."

Sarah wants to meet her fellow journalist Rudyard Kipling, and the Doctor sets the co-ordinates for England, Earth, in the Victorian Age. As usual, the TARDIS materialises in not quite the right place, and the time travellers find themselves pursued across Devon moorland by a huge feral hound.

Children have gone missing; at the local boarding school, the young Rudyard Kipling has set up search parties. Lights have been seen beneath the waters of the bay, and fishermen have been pulled from their boats and mutilated. Graves have been robbed of their corpses. Something is going on, and Arthur Conan Doyle, the ship's doctor from a recently berthed arctic whaler, is determined to investigate.

The Doctor and Doyle join forces to uncover a macabre scheme to interfere with human evolution — and both Sarah and Kipling face a terrifying transmogrification.

◆ The Fourth Doctor

I think many people would describe the Hinchcliffe era as the golden age of Doctor Who, though its reputation has definitely soured in recent years: people stopped trying to deny how horrifically racist the final serial was! Realising that I hadn’t seen any of this era in several many years, I rewatched ‘Planet of Evil’ to brush up on the characterisation of our regulars.

John Peel handles this incarnation surprisingly well – certainly a damn sight better than when he wrote for the little fella with the umbrella! The Doctor spends a great deal of time with Arthur Conan Doyle: they strike up a friendly relationship over the course of the book and, based on the cover, it shouldn’t surprise you that the Doctor served as the inspiration for Sherlock Holmes.

The Doctor had been very moody of late. Well, he was always moody; Sarah imagined it was because of his alien nature and incredibly lengthy life-span. He claimed at various times to be anything from four hundred to a shade over a thousand years old. For a being who travelled in time as much as the Doctor did, he seemed to be very shoddy about keeping note of his personal time. Either he wasn’t certain how to calculate his age due to all the varying times he had stepped into and out from, or – which Sarah personally believed – he had virtually no interest in it. She couldn’t blame him, really. Imagine the size of the cake he’d need to fit on several hundred (or a thousand) candles! You’d need a flame-thrower just to light them, and even the Doctor could never blow them all out with a single breath. Which all meant that the reason the Doctor seemed unsure of his age was because it wasn’t simple to work out. But he was showing all the signs of some sort of mid-life crisis. If, of course, four hundred to a thousand years old was mid-life for a Time Lord. The Doctor was always pretty vague about that, too. He’d once claimed to be ‘immortal, give or take a few years’ and at another time had said he was as mortal as the next man. Consistency was not a virtue he believed in or practised. When he wanted to, the Doctor could talk the hind legs off a donkey, and probably the front ones, too. But when he was in a mood you couldn’t even get the time of day out of him. Assuming he either knew or cared what time it was.

◆ Sarah Jane Smith

Some tragedies are capable of embedding themselves into your memories, and the passing of Elisabeth Sladen is something that will stay with me forever. Tributes flooded in from all across the globe; performers that had shared scenes with her, people that had the pleasure of writing for her, and fans who had nothing but respect and adoration for one of the most talented actresses of her generation.

The advantage of these book reviews is that I can copy the characterisation of our regulars, word for word, from the text itself. This is why the next paragraph begins with the writer dedicating a whole scene to our companion taking a bath! I sincerely wish I was making this up, but this is surprisingly tame when compared to the usually nauseating stuff Peel comes out with (more on that later in the review).

Sarah Jane Smith lay on her back in what the Doctor had dismissingly referred to as ‘the bath’ and lazily stirred her hands and feet. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been able to wear a swimsuit – let alone inside the TARDIS. It felt good to be able to simply relax and enjoy herself for once, particularly after the series of harrowing adventures she’d experienced. Sarah had always been rather wary about exploring the TARDIS too far from the main control room. The ship had so many corridors and rooms that it made a labyrinth seem positively simple. You needed either a guide or a long ball of string to find your way around. Sarah had often wondered what she would do if she were faced with the possibility of altering the past. Travelling in the TARDIS rendered such a thought more than academic. On her very first trip in the TARDIS, for example, she’d gone back to the Middle Ages. One change there could have affected the whole course of history. Now, here she was again, this time in Victorian England. She had met and was interacting with two of the most famous English writers of their day – Arthur Conan Doyle and Rudyard Kipling. A little nudge from her, the wrong word even, and their lives could be altered. And while it might not change the entire course of history if Kipling never wrote The Jungle Book, say, something was bound to be affected. It was a tremendous responsibility to rest on her shoulders.

◆ Will Made Flesh

‘Evolution’ is more padded than Jimbo the Drag Clown, so you mightn’t have realised how simplistic the plot actually is. In a nutshell, a Rutan spaceship crashed in Limehouse which was carrying a hefty payload of their specialist healing salve.

The healing salve was used to fix damaged Rutans. They had an unstable cell structure that allowed them to shapeshift, so they needed their salve to be similarly unstable. When used on non-Rutans, it could create hybrids by fusing disparate species into a viable new creature.

Percival Ross obtained most of the salve from the downed Rutan spaceship, and began using it to make human-dolphin hybrids, and seals with enhanced intelligence. When a wealthy industrialist offered to fund these hybridisation experiments, he gladly accepted! Breckinridge wanted the hybrids to lay underwater cables, thereby potentially monopolising the newly established telephone industry.

There was potential to make an interesting adventure out of these ideas, but the padding kills any enjoyment I might have gotten from this book… and that’s not a lot, considering it suffers from the usual “Peel-isms”.

◆ The Curse of John Peel

Some people are completely unfamiliar with John Peel, and I don’t mind saying that I’m incredibly jealous of them. The general consensus has always been that his Dalek novelisations were pretty good, whilst his original fiction read like something you’d find scrawled in excrement on the walls of an insane asylum!

Peel is notorious for inserting gratuitous amounts of violence into his books, but that didn’t really bother me in this instance. ‘Evolution’ is supposed to take place during the Hinchcliffe era, when it was typical to push the boundaries of how horrifying you could make the show. Did we really need such in-depth descriptions of how an old fisherman had his head bitten in half, exposing bits of bone and organs? Not really, but it makes sense when Conan Doyle is examining the fisherman in an autopsy setting.

Peel comes across as something of an incel, based solely on the way he writes female characters: it would be interesting to hear his justification for dedicating a whole scene to Sarah having a bath, and probably quite horrifying too! Surprisingly, that’s not my main issue here. Things really start going down hill with the first interlude, where Lucy discusses her backstory with the others who had been hybridised. Page 64 is where I genuinely started feeling nauseous, because that’s when Peel devolved back into writing like a Reddit user after drinking several bottles of neat whiskey! Actually, I’m going to echo the person who asked me this on Twitter, why on Earth did Peel keep getting work? This isn’t just atrocious, but downright disgusting content.

◆ Conclusion

“You’re about to become the first member of a new species.”

A genuine mad scientist has been creating genetic hybrids after coming across a cache of Rutan healing salve. The Doctor and Sarah Jane are quick to investigate, finding themselves aided by two adored writers, long before they were famous: Arthur Conan Doyle and Rudyard Kipling.

John Peel has become notorious across the width and breadth of this fandom, but this book genuinely had the potential to be something amazing. The remote tranquillity of Dartmoor being disturbed by a fearsome mutant hound is something I could absolutely see being attempted during the Hinchcliffe era, especially given the amount of body horror present throughout this story.

Unfortunately, ‘Evolution’ suffers from excessive padding; you spend more time waiting for something to actually happen, that I actually got bored enough to put the book down and watch Smiling Friends in its entirety!

There are definitely some moments where you are left wondering how Peel kept getting asked back, but nothing on the same level as ‘Genesys’, thankfully. Overall, this book just ended up being pretty bland and forgettable.

Doctor Who – Short Trips

#8.10. I Am The Master ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

‘Solitary Confinement’ was something of a disappointment – the third episode managed to be one of the worst things I’ve listened to all year – so, understandably, I have been itching for a script which really does the Master justice.

My recent delve into the long line of ‘Short Trips’ has proved fruitful, as I happened upon a little gem written by the man himself.

Sit down, relax, and listen to the voice of your Master!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

There is a message for you. It comes from a long way, from a dying world. No, not a dying world. A killed world. And the message is from the killer.

Please attend carefully. The message that follows is vital to your future…

However much longer that may be.

◆ The “Decayed” Master

Who better to write a character study of “Old Crispy” than the actor who played him? Geoffrey Beevers knows this burnt, decaying husk like the back of his hand. I must admit that my favourite part of this episode was the beginning; the Master talks about how people react to his appearance with horror, about how he likes to hide inside dressing gowns and scare people out of their wits! He comes across as fiercely intelligent, but totally unhinged: he is perfectly written.

Geoffrey Beevers delivers one of his finest performances in ‘I Am The Master’. Listening to him is like having golden syrup poured into your ears; his voice is rich and soothing, making him perfect for audio work. Put simply, the Master will have you hanging off his every word…

People think it must be fun to be the Master. Oh, he finds fun where he can, but being trapped in a burnt, decaying husk is no fun, believe him. You look at all those strong, healthy bodies passing by and you think, “I want a piece of that,” even though they aren’t generally worthy of hosting him; never elegant or charming enough. It’s more difficult to find the right body than you think: you have only to say, “would your body suit me, do you think?” then people run away for some reason… or something annoying happens, like the arrival of the Doctor. You end up feeling discontent with everything, and just a bit violent and angry underneath! It’s easy to blame your parents – you should have seen his mum and dad on Gallifrey – but what’s the point? You just want to smash everything up… and actually, that’s where the real fun begins. You’ve got to have a laugh after all, or you’d go insane, and it’s important not to go insane… no one had better call him insane! If you’re going to smash everything up, you might as well do it on a grand scale, and to do that you’ve got to exercise a bit of power, the Master has found. Of course, it’s easy enough to frighten people looking like he does; people might be looking at the dressing gown, hanging on the bedroom door in the dark, and not realise, at first, that he is hanging inside it. They may leap out of bed, and find his skeletal hand is on the door knob before their hand can reach it. All good fun, you might think, but such games are surely for children: to do something really scary, you need real power! One of the problems the Master has found is that power decays: you can rule a galaxy for a generation or two, but then people lose interest in being tortured, or the Doctor turns up and it all changes. Things change all the time, so it’s hard to hold onto power, even for as little as a thousand years. And as a Time Lord, you already know it’s all going to go wrong in the end, so it takes all the fun out of it. Be assured: being able to visit the future, as well as the past, takes all the interest out of the present. Why do the goodies – as their tiresome self-reference has it – always have to win? It really isn’t fair. Who constructed this universe so the good things always triumph in the end? That’s not to say there isn’t lots of lovely dark energy in the universe – 70%, in fact – and dark matter, and no end of black holes swallowing up the light, and he’s very happy about that. But why do all the interesting things happen around the stars and in the light? That’s where the complicated life-forms develop. The Master has lots of stories he could tell: there was the time he was a master-chef, that was fun: poisoned no end of people! Meat was his speciality; he enjoys the way different species of animal like to eat each other, especially in fine restaurants. Or the time he gave master-classes in music, wonderful music: burnt people’s ears off when they heard it!

◆ Earworms

Geoffrey Beevers has more than proven himself to be a damn good writer, but this section might be on the shorter side: this bite-sized outing is a gorgeous little character study of the Master, and I’ve unpacked all those little details already.

There is something genuinely chilling about the concept of a villain becoming bored, because it suggests that everyone has either been enslaved or murdered. It seems the Master got so bored on Glox that he decided to start his own podcast… but even something that mundane can be turned to his advantage.

The earworm was a special time transmitter which came bundled with the Master’s little transmission. It could transport the listener’s essence to his location: it just requires you to concentrate for a moment and visualise the inside of his TARDIS. Anyone effected by the earworm will also find that they have morphed into a replica of the burnt, decaying husk the Master calls a body; effectively meaning he can use you as a decoy, whenever he needs a rapid exit.

◆ Sound Design

David Roocroft appears to have done the sound design for several many of the ‘Short Trips’, but I think his work on this masterpiece – pun intended – is particularly noteworthy.

As the earworm takes effect, you can hear the Master’s voice in the background repeating lines of dialogue from his television outings;

• “I am the Master, and you will obey me…”

• “A new body…”

◆ Conclusion

“You know about earworms, don’t you?”

Planet Glox has been decimated for over one hundred years. Listen carefully, because the Master is going to tell you how he did it!

Geoffrey Beevers has been playing Old Crispy for quite some time, but listening to this bite-sized adventure proves he understands him perfectly. Listen to the Master gleefully describe how he murdered his way up the Gloxian hierarchy, before taking control as a tyrannical despot; he decimated this world’s bio-diversity by pumping red chemicals into the soil, and making sure most of its wildlife went extinct!

‘I Am The Master’ is an immaculate character study of the Decayed Master, brought to us by the man who plays him. Considering this only costs £2.99 from the BigFinish site, I can highly recommend adding it to your basket.

Doctor Who – The Lost Stories

#7.01. The Ark ~ 1/10

◆ An Introduction

I was all for the decision to resurrect this range in 2019, but almost every release since has been absolutely atrocious! Nowhere is this absence of quality more noticeable than in Series 7: don’t worry, we will be discussing ‘Daleks! Genesis of Terror’ eventually.

But what about the other ‘Lost Story’ from 2023, the one based upon John Lucarotti’s original script for ‘The Ark in Space’? People seem to have ignored this release entirely, so let’s see if anything can be salvaged from this lacklustre seventh series.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

A space station orbiting Earth has lain dormant for 8,476 years. Its systems are clogged with dust, so the human crew kept frozen in cryogenic storage have never woken up.

When the Doctor, Sarah and Harry arrive to resuscitate the sleepers, they discover something else on board. A small, golf-ball like object gives Harry an electric shock, and has a more sinister impact on the awakening crew. Soon, the Doctor and his friends are battling to save the space station – and Earth – from a ravenous puffball!

◆ The Fourth Doctor

John Lucarotti wrote this script when the character of the Fourth Doctor was intended to be an older gentleman reminiscent of Hartnell, which would certainly explain why the characterisation is jarringly different. Gonna be honest, and say that I’m really not a fan.

Some questionable choices were made by Tom Baker in this release, and it’s baffling that nobody told him to reign things in a bit: he sounded half-cut throughout episode one, as he educated his companions on the space-faring version of Noah’s Ark. This is easily one of the most self-indulgent performances I’ve encountered.

When travelling in time and space, if you don’t know what something is, don’t touch it!

◆ Sarah Jane Smith

The only thing I can remember Sarah doing in ‘The Ark’ is clambering through ventilation shafts… something she also did in the far superior televised version of this adventure. BigFinish really aren’t beating the allegations about this series being a cash-grab!

Sadie Miller does a magnificent job at capturing her mother’s voice, but her talents are honestly wasted on this mediocre script.

◆ Harry Sullivan

Anyone that’s read my recent Seventh Doctor reviews will know that I’ve grown really rather fond of Harry over the past few years, so I’m going to be completely upfront with you all and say that he deserved better than this.

Despite getting a sizeable amount of the script to work with, Christopher Naylor’s performance felt pretty lifeless. It’s unfortunate, because I know he is capable of much better than this… though I can’t really blame him given the absence of quality in ‘The Ark’.

He knows a corpse when he sees one. Harry believes that when you’ve served tea on the high seas you can cope with anything.

◆ The Decline of the Lost Stories

Procrastination well and truly took over during this review, because it’s taken me several weeks to get it done. The recent selection of classic adventures featuring minimal edits, before having the ‘Lost Stories’ branding slapped on them, have been pretty abysmal. Some people have described them as alternative takes, but they’ve clearly confused “alternative” with deep-fried horse excrement! Seriously though, all the small alterations made to ‘The Ark in Space’ for this release just made it worse… which makes you wonder what the point was?

◆ Sound Design

What an insufferably dull soundscape. Did everyone working on ‘The Ark’ forget they were getting paid for this? Literally everything in this release is dire!

The whirring of an automatic door. Bleeping consoles as the Doctor checks the Ark’s systems. The squelching disembodied head of the Delc.

◆ Conclusion

“So as you became brains without bodies, they became bodies without brains!”

Have you ever encountered a script so insufferably awful that you feel yourself physically itching with irritation, begging for the whole experience to be over? That’s genuinely how I felt reviewing ‘The Ark’.

The concept of a director clearly went out the window for this release, because Tom Baker delivered the most self-indulgent performance I’ve ever encountered. He sounded half-cut throughout most of the runtime, and I actually felt embarrassed for him: this national treasure acting like he’s just suffered a nervous breakdown, before being bundled into a recording booth! Chris Naylor’s performance completely flatlined, and it seriously felt like Sadie Miller was the only one trying. Shame her talents were wasted on such a horrendous script.

Somehow, ‘The Ark’ managed to be on par with the cash-grabbing nonsense released alongside it. There are very few releases that bring me out in hives and make me want to daytime drink, but this actually managed it. You know things are really bad when I would rather be re-listening to ‘The Dark Husband’! I sincerely hope BigFinish have learnt their lesson, because this entire series was just sponging off of Tom Baker’s reputation to make some quick cash.

Doctor Who – The Lost Stories

#8.02. Operation Werewolf ~ 8/10

◆ An Introduction

My attitude towards this range has soured over the past five years, probably because we’ve endured several appallingly awful adventures, and one cash-grab which thoroughly butchered ‘Genesis of the Daleks’. Instead of throwing Briggsy to the wolves for sacrilege, the collective fanbase have allowed him one last chance to redeem himself. That would explain why this range has finally released two genuine lost adventures, for what feels like the first time in aeons!

That Dick Sharples disaster aside, the Second Doctor has got a relatively clean track record in this range. I don’t know about you lot, but I think a historical adventure tapping into the D-Day landings sounds like a marvellous way to kill the next three hours…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The TARDIS has brought the Doctor, Jamie and Zoe to Normandy in France, not in 1066 as intended, but in 1944, three days before the Allies are due to launch the D-Day landings.

Joining forces with French partisans, they learn that the Germans have been conducting secret experiments at a nearby château. These experiments form part of a plan that German high command believe will enable them to win the Second World War. The name of that plan? Operation Werewolf.

◆ The Second Doctor

This incarnation has always had something of the Cowardly Lion about him, but that’s part of the charm. Confused with an expert physicist from England, he finds himself in the company of an eccentric scientist… who’s thankfully nowhere near as barmy as Professor Zaroff! The Doctor is soon blackmailed into helping him iron out some of the flaws with his experiment, otherwise one of the French partisans will die in a teleportation accident. He spends a large chunk of the runtime with said partisan, a woman by the name of Françoise: they actually develop quite a good rapport with each other.

Despite owning the first two volumes, I’ve been avoiding the ‘Second Doctor Adventures’ range for numerous reasons… but mainly because I’ve been so unsure of Michael Troughton taking over his late father’s role. Having completed ‘Operation Werewolf’, I honestly had nothing to worry about. His performance is damn near perfect in this release!

The reason he’s so keen to see William the Conqueror is history. Why read about it when you can live it? He also suspects that the Bayeux Tapestry contains a number of factual errors, and wants to check for himself. The Doctor tells Kommandant Müller that sometimes it takes more courage not to fight. He’s clearly impressed with Richter’s experiments, but can’t hide his disgust at the fact someone was killed during the demonstration. He refuses to help cold-blooded killers win the war with teleportation.

◆ Jamie McCrimmon

Listening to him banter on with the Doctor during those early scenes was genuinely delightful! I’d completely forgotten about their stellar bromance. Jamie receives some rather interesting material in ‘Operation Werewolf’, because he seemingly encounters one of his descendents. He gets on incredibly well with Fergus, and they become all the more friendly once the truth is revealed: take a drink every time Jamie mentions being his great grand uncle!

Remember when ‘Beyond War Games’ was first announced and everyone believed Frazer Hines had retired? That certainly rattled my cage, but thankfully, he appears to be sticking around for the foreseeable. He delivered a brilliant performance in this adventure.

Railways are long after his time, but he’s seen them underground and at Vaughn’s place. Jamie suggests mounting a rescue operation to save a captured English scientist, because the resistance members can’t just do nothing, they have to at least try.

◆ Zoe Heriot

Our resident genius gets barely any material until the end of episode three, where she gets brainwashed into becoming a loyal supporter of the Nazis! Jonathan Morris needed to handle this storyline with the utmost of care, in order to avoid being crucified on social media for doing something incredibly insensitive. Brainwashed or not, having one of the most beloved companions from the black and white era giving a Nazi salute feels more than a step too far. I can see this creative decision going down like a lead balloon!

Listening to this adventure reminded me of a very close friend who I constantly compare with Wendy Padbury, mainly cause she bears a striking resemblance to her. Tilly was suitably disgusted when I told her what happened to Zoe in this adventure, and I can’t say I blame her. Looking on the plus side, Padders put on a wonderful performance for ‘Operation Werewolf’.

She does know a little about the Second World War, which explains why hearing the date fills her with nothing but dread. Zoe’s place of work is the Parapsychology Library of Space Station W-3, in the 21st century.

◆ Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

This adventure was always intended to be a pseudo-historical, so you may be shocked to learn that Werewolf was a bona fide operation undertaken by the Nazis.

In the waning months of 1944, as the Western Allies tightened their grip on Germany with rapid and relentless advances, a chilling undercurrent surfaced amidst the ruins of the Third Reich. Whispers spoke of a clandestine force emerging, one determined to defy the inevitable defeat that loomed over Nazi Germany. This covert group bore the ominous moniker the SS Werewolves.

Conceived in the recesses of Heinrich Himmler’s mind, the architect of the SS himself set one man for the job: Hans-Adolf Prützmann. The Werewolves were not to be dismissed as mere remnants of a crumbling regime. Instead they stood as a sinister and calculated strategy; a desperate gambit aimed at turning the tide during the dying days of the Third Reich.

Himmler, recognising the impending collapse, sought to create a force capable of sewing chaos and resistance long after the fall of the Nazi government. The SS Werewolves were not a conventional army: they were a shadowy network of highly trained and fanatically loyal individuals. Selected for their unwavering allegiance to the Third Reich and their ruthless determination, these operatives employed guerilla tactics behind enemy lines and engaged in acts of sabotage. Their mission was to instil fear, disrupt the advancing Allies, and maintain a semblance of influence even as the regime crumbled.

This clandestine taskforce was created during a time where an Allied victory seemed like a dead certainty, and the Nazis were going to make sure that their enemies would have nothing but chaos to deal with in the aftermath of the war. The SS Werewolves are a lesser-known aspect of the Second World War, which makes learning about them highly fascinating.

◆ Without a Trace…

Jonathan Morris noted that ‘Operation Werewolf’ features a science-fiction plot, but not one resulting from alien or time-traveller influence, which neatly leads me onto the topic of teleportation.

Nazi soldiers mastering the art of teleportation is a horrifying prospect. Imagine if they managed to sneak one of their transmat capsules into the cabinet war rooms, utilising spies to know every movement of the Allied war effort. Alternatively, they could’ve done something far more devastating and just eliminated the entire British command structure in one fell swoop.

The Doctor managed to put the kybosh on these plans with the assistance of some French partisans, but the potential consequences could’ve been catastrophic!

◆ Sound Design

Jamie Robertson created a stunning soundscape for ‘Operation Werewolf’. Normandy is crawling with jack-booted soldiers, who would happily execute resistance members on the spot. The château is their headquarters, where the deranged Professor Richter carries out his amoral experiments: how very Wolfenstein coded!

Hooting birds in the French woodland night, as the TARDIS materialises nearby. An aeroplane rumbles overhead… and is promptly shot down by Nazi operated AA batteries! Jack-booted soldiers begin scouring the woodland for prisoners of war, their guard dogs barking like mad. Gunshots echo through the trees. Soldiers can be heard marching around Müller’s outpost, clearly involved in some sort of training exercise. Richter’s transmat cabinets begin powering up; their activation is accompanied by pulsing waves of energy. Nazi troopers detonate gas cannisters at the resistance farmhouse in an attempt to choke them. Fluorescent lights click on and off as Richter begins his “ideological correction” experiments on Zoe and Pierre. The transmat cabinets explode… taking the château with them! Soldiers can be heard exchanging gunfire in the distance, as the Normandy Landings commence.

◆ Music

Something about Second World War stories brings out the best in composers, and Robertson is no exception. Despite being generally atmospheric, there are moments where percussion dominates the entire score, almost like how Normandy is being dominated under the jack-boot of the Nazi occupation.

◆ Conclusion

“The gas and lunar light will turn the Allied poodles into Nazi wolves.”

Teleportation experiments are well underway within a Normandy château, as members of the Third Reich make plans for a clandestine invasion of Great Britain! The scientist leading this operation has also discovered a way of brainwashing people, using a combination of lunar light and an experimental gas… allowing him to create loyal servants of the Nazis. With the historic Normandy Landings only three days away, the Doctor needs to move incredibly fast.

Submitted to the production office due to Camfield’s dismay at another sub-standard script, ‘Operation Werewolf’ was eventually shelved thanks to a combination of budget constraints and some sensitivity about the recent Second World War. That’s all rather unfortunate considering how entertaining it was.

The concept of the Third Reich gaining access to teleportation is horrifying. It almost certainly would’ve changed the outcome of the war, allowing them to sneak behind enemy lines and purloin classified information… or worse. They could just eliminate the entire Allied command structure in one fell swoop! This adventure takes a different approach, with the planned clandestine invasion of Great Britain. This somewhat mirrors the real life SS Werewolves: a shadowy network of highly trained and fanatically loyal individuals.

The performances have been great across the board, though I do have one complaint. I had trouble distinguishing between different German characters, routinely confusing Richter and Schneider. Our regulars were all marvellous though, Michael Troughton especially so!

While there are some aspects of ‘Operation Werewolf’ that made me clench my teeth in horror – like having one of the most beloved black and white era companions doing a Hitler salute – it feels fantastic to have a genuine ‘Lost Story’ again… rather than another pathetic attempt to sponge off of Tom Baker’s popularity! I’m really looking forward to ‘Deathworld’ now.

Doctor Who – The Ninth Doctor Chronicles

#1.01. The Bleeding Heart ~ 5/10

◆ An Introduction

War changes ordinary people into battle-scarred veterans: they receive mental trauma that will last a lifetime, long after the conflict has reached its conclusion. The so-called “planet of peace” sounds like an ideal place then for one such veteran to seek solace… but nothing is ever that simple in the Doctor’s life.

I’ve been avoiding this box set since the day it released. Time to discover whether or not I was right to do so. Bring on the Briggleston!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Galen is a place where people come to heal. The renowned 'planet of peace' seems the ideal venue for talks between two warring races. But when death disrupts the diplomacy, Cosmic Nine news reporter Adriana Jarsdel uncovers a different story. Luckily, someone is there to help. A battle-weary veteran from another war. The Doctor has come to Galen – but is he looking for peace or something else entirely?

◆ The Ninth Doctor

Cavan Scott has tried doing something quite interesting with ‘The Bleeding Heart’. The Doctor is still reeling from the atrocities he witnessed during the Time War: he’s a broken man searching for peace, which explains his trip to Galen. The hallmarks of this incarnation are still present – the Northern charm and a light-hearted, goofy demeanour – but you really get the sense that the horrors of war are fresh in his mind.

Nicholas Briggs dons yet another Who-related hat for this release, channelling his best Ninth Doctor. Unfortunately, his impersonation – which I will hence forth be referring to as “Briggleston” – doesn’t quite land. Though you have to take into consideration that impressionists and actors are two very different things: not everyone can be Jon Culshaw.

The Doctor is described as being a tall man with tightly cropped hair. Using his psychic paper, he claims to be a representative of the BBC Transworld Service. When that doesn’t work, he falls back on an old bluff; claiming to be an Earth Examiner investigating the peace talks. The sonic screwdriver is the best friend he’s ever had. Peace, love and understanding are all at the top of the Doctor’s list, or at least they used to be.

◆ Story Recap

The Doctor has recently arrived on the planet Galen. Renowned for being the “planet of peace”, talks between two warring races are well underway.

Unfortunately, the diplomacy is swiftly interrupted when one of the delegates is found murdered; drowned in her own mud bath!

Something is influencing the people on Galen to kill, and convincing them that death will release these people from pain. Something that was sealed at the very heart of this planet during the Time War…

◆ Killer Compassion

The Compassionate are an interesting concept, though I feel like more could’ve been done with them: creatures that can influence people to kill by toying with feelings of grief.

Rassilon had them imprisoned within a rift at the heart of Galen, fearing that the Daleks would weaponise such a unique species. Thousands of Time Lords weeping on the battlefield, paralysed with grief and mourning the very existence of their mortal enemies. They would be utterly defenceless.

A weapon like that could have changed the tide of the Time War. Instead, their psychic abilities caused good feelings to radiate from the core of Galen.

◆ Sound Design

Narrated episodes often work best when the sound effects are kept to a minimum. Joe Meiners clearly understood that whilst working on ‘The Bleeding Heart’.

Members of the Free protest outside of the conference centre, chanting away in monotone. The thumping hooves of a Horajian general; her voice thundering with the force of a small earthquake. The bubbling of a relaxing mud bath. The Free stop chanting and start sobbing; all of them effected by the Compassionate.

◆ Conclusion

“I hear your pain. I see your pain. I must heal your pain!”

This episode was setting itself up to be a showcase of the trauma the Doctor received during the Time War, but that basically only gets explored in the last ten minutes. In reality, ‘The Bleeding Heart’ is a murder mystery that features a bunch of grief-stricken zombies.

I honestly expected that this box set would be the easiest thing to review: do a couple of jokes about the hammy Eccleston impersonation, an anecdote about how Jackie Tyler is now the internet's mother or some such nonsense. Unfortunately, this first episode was completely middle of the road.

Good grief, this was a pain in the [REDACTED] to review! The written equivalent of a wallpaper paste sandwich.

Torchwood – The Monthly Adventures

#051. The Five People You Kill in Middlesbrough ~ 9/10

◆ An Introduction

The Tories couldn’t organise a bun fight in a bakery let alone run the flaming country, which is why we currently have someone in power who is rampantly transphobic and has no idea how the working classes live. The party is hopefully crumbling from the inside out now – and if you needed any evidence of that, the past four Prime Ministers have all resigned. A lettuce even lasted longer than Truss did – which gives me hope for the future.

I can’t even feign surprise at how awful their leadership has been over the past few years. Anybody remember the Partygate scandal? When Boris Johnson and his cabinet drank suitcases of wine and danced the night away at Downing Street, whilst the rest of the country was enduring a lockdown due to the Coronavirus? If you needed reminding, Channel 4 have created a factual drama series based on the events. The sad thing is that I’m not even joking about that.

Their handling of a global pandemic was abysmal. Can you imagine what it would be like if they had to deal with a spaceship crashing on top of Middlesbrough?

◆ Publisher’s Summary

When a spaceship crashes on Middlesbrough it’s very sad, of course. But we at Torchwood have long had a plan to contain such a disaster.

Only, nothing is happening. And the disaster is spreading. So, I set out to find out what’s going on. What has happened to The Icarus Protocol? Who launched a Moonstrike Missile? And why will no-one admit that there's a cloud of deadly particles sweeping across the United Kingdom?

My name is Yvonne Hartman. Don't come between me and my country.

◆ DISCLAIMER

It was only after pre-ordering ‘I Hate Mondays’ that I was made aware of the Islamophobic and transphobic rhetoric that Tracy-Ann Oberman continues to share on social media.

For this reason, I will not be purchasing any further releases featuring Oberman. I refuse to support someone with such despicable views.

I previously covered her two ‘Monthly Adventures’ for TimeScales, so will be porting those reviews over to this site: both of them will carry this disclaimer. They were both written prior to November 2023. Please remember not to take any of my comments in this review about Oberman’s performance – positive or negative – as condoning her frankly awful views.

◆ “Alternate” Yvonne Hartman

Ruthless, classy, and more than ready to get her hands dirty when things go wrong – and an exploding spaceship leaking photonic clouds all over Middlesbrough is about as wrong as it gets – Yvonne is definitely someone you want on your side during a crisis. She is perfectly written throughout this episode.

‘The Five People You Kill in Middlesbrough’ features one of my favourite performances from Tracy-Ann Oberman, but that’s to be expected when she co-wrote the material.

Yvonne finds chamomile tea very soothing on the vocal chords when she’s shouting. She classified the Icarus Protocol. Torchwood put together a cross-party, pan-departmental rapid response plan, in case an extra terrestrial object fell anywhere within the Empire. She sat in every committee, she ate every biscuit, and she drank every cup of tea, and they got it done. Yvonne is horrified to discover that the Defence Secretary has used the money allocated towards the Icarus Protocol to construct a new bypass in his constituency! She doesn’t make threats. Yvonne needs competent people dealing with the Middlesbrough Incident. People who care. People who will admit when they’re wrong. Yvonne informs the Prime Minister that she stopped the spread of misinformation, put some really smart people in charge. And there is a wonderful new Leader of the Opposition who will challenge the government every step of the way.

◆ Story Recap

A spaceship has crashed in Middlesbrough. The engines are leaking atoms and creating a deadly photonic cloud that can tear people to shreds. The British government already have a protocol in place for exactly this sort of emergency, so why hasn’t it been activated?

Upon interrogating the Defence Secretary, Yvonne Hartman discovers that he has blown the budget for the Icarus Protocol on constructing a new bypass in his constituency. This action has left Middlesbrough completely defenceless to the oncoming catastrophe.

Elsewhere, the government’s crisis response commander is encouraging people to join a new app which can track exposure to the photon cloud. The software is unreliable and the government have already spent billions on it. Money which could have been used to set up a cordon around Middlesbrough.

Realising that the British government are about as useful as a chocolate teapot, Yvonne begins systematically eliminating those who are preventing any direct action being taken in Middlesbrough.

◆ 2020: The Year Of Tragedies

I spent a couple of days in London this year for my birthday, looking at all the famous places and monuments. I remember seeing the National Covid Memorial Wall and just feeling intensely sad. The Wall stretches for five hundred metres alongside the Thames, directly opposite the Houses of Parliament. There are more than two hundred and twenty thousand individually hand-painted red hearts, each representing a person who died in this country with Covid-19 as a direct cause of death.

It can only be described as a harrowing site: a reminder of the people we lost during the most tragic event of the twenty-first century. I’m going to leave a link to the official webpage in case anyone wants to know more.

https://www.nationalcovidmemorialwall.org/

Government incompetence is the reason why the death toll in this country was able to pass one hundred thousand, and that fact should never be forgotten. This script will help ensure that we don’t, because it features many clear references and allusions to the government’s abysmal handling of the crisis and its delayed initial response.

The majority of characters in this story are satire of public figures and their response to the pandemic. Lancelyn Green is an outspoken journalist who spends more time spreading disinformation than he does reporting on actual news, much like Piers Morgan or anyone employed by GB News. Mo Simister is supposed to be the government’s crisis response commander, but is more concerned with marketing a new app that tracks exposure to the photon cloud… an app which is unreliable and simply does not work. She’s clearly analogous to Dido Harding. It was actually quite frightening how realistic some of these satirical depictions were.

◆ Conclusion

“Saturdays aren’t just for brunch, they’re for overthrowing the Illuminati without fear!”

A spaceship has crashed in Middlesbrough. The engines are leaking atoms and creating a deadly photonic cloud that can tear people to shreds. The British government already have a protocol in place for exactly this sort of emergency, so why hasn’t it been activated? Yvonne Hartman decides to take matters into her own hands…

‘The Five People You Kill in Middlesbrough’ is an obvious allegory for the British government’s ineptitude during the global pandemic, when politicians were far too concerned with looking their best for television appearances or pouring billions of tax payer money into a track and trace app that doesn’t work properly. The characters are all satirical takes on politicians who failed the country during the pandemic; Dominic Cummings, Dido Harding and Matt Hancock to name a few.

The greatest strength of this episode has got to be Yvonne herself. She gives the politicians every opportunity to reinstate the Icarus Protocol and take some direct action, but they all ignore her and simply carry on letting the people of Middlesbrough get torn to shreds by the photonic cloud! The only way to save the nation is for her to systematically eliminate the five people who are causing the most problems. Ruthless and determined. Now that’s Yvonne Hartman.

An excellent commentary on the government’s incompetence over the past few years, and yet another tour de force for both Tracy-Ann Oberman and Tim Foley. This is one release I can highly recommend.

Doctor Who – The First Doctor Adventures (Bradley)

#1.02. The Great White Hurricane ~ 9/10

◆ An Introduction

Pure historicals have always been among my favourite adventures. The most successful of them teach you something about the chosen period, without coming across as patronising or mind-numbingly boring; they’re educational yet thoroughly entertaining, and a genre that the expanded universe has been making every effort to keep alive. I mean, one of the reasons I’ve been looking forward to reviewing these Bradley sets is that we’re guaranteed a pure historical script.

The TARDIS has materialised during one of the worst blizzards to ever hit the Eastern Seaboard of the United States… and Ian’s just been shot!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Rival gangs turn streets into battlegrounds, and the Doctor and his friends are caught in the crossfire. They find themselves separated and lost in the cold.

As the hunt for a fugitive turns ever more desperate, a blizzard descends. The snow keeps falling. And soon it will prove as deadly as any weapon…

◆ The First Doctor

‘The Great White Hurricane’ almost immediately splits up the cast. After arguing with a member of the local constabulary, the Doctor finds himself imprisoned. It’s here that he encounters Daniel Ellis: a former member of the Mad Boar gang, whose brother kidnapped Susan and is currently on the run. Their parents passed away from cholera when Daniel was only ten years old, essentially making him primary caretaker for his younger sibling; it’s an experience the Doctor can relate to, taking on the parent role with his rebellious grandchild. Guy Adams has given him some excellent material in this script.

David Bradley already sounds a lot more comfortable in the role, delivering a charming performance. Those early scenes at the prison see the Doctor full of contempt, but realising that Daniel and his brother are orphans makes him change his tact; he becomes a lot more caring and understanding. It reminds you that this incarnation wasn’t permanently a grouchy old codger.

The Doctor is perfectly capable of dealing with the police… he says moments before being arrested! He believes the police officers should treat him with some respect. He’d have you know that he has been a guest at many of the royal houses of the world: he has played backgammon with the Emperor of China himself! The Doctor seems to spend far too much time in horrible places like this prison cell. He can’t deny, he often seems to get on the wrong side of the police; Daniel wouldn’t have thought it, a refined old guy like the Doctor. But this “old guy” has done a lot of travelling, and seems to make a habit of being in the wrong place at the least propitious time.

◆ Susan Foreman

Compared with the previous story, Susan actually receives some brilliant material. She was always something of a bleeding heart, so having her kidnapped by a member of the Mad Boars was an interesting choice. Patrick comes across as this tough-as-nails gangland thug, when he’s really a troubled kid trying to run away from his mistakes. Susan manages to break down that tough guy persona, because she treats him like an actual person.

Claudia Grant has vastly improved in the space of a single adventure, delivering a magnificent performance. It was an absolute treat when I realised that Susan barely screams in ‘The Great White Hurricane’. Most of her scenes are shared with her kidnapper, Patrick, but she can see through his tough guy façade; she speaks to him calmly about his past, almost treating him like a younger brother.

Susan doesn’t believe that Patrick is going to hurt her: she’s met enough bullies in her time, and he’s not one of them. She never knows what each day will bring; she spends much of her life facing the most terrifying things in the universe! Susan has lost count of how many times she’s come to terms with the fact that she might be about to die, and it never gets any easier.

◆ Ian Chesterton

Despite being shot and suffering from severe concussion, Ian still does everything in his power to help Rosalita get her son back. Even when injured, he still proves to be the man of action.

I’m still waiting for the moment where Jamie Glover will start chewing the scenery, because whilst he delivered a good performance in ‘The Great White Hurricane’, his acting still feels somewhat wooden.

He never was very good at doing what the Doctor told him. Ian gets an opportunity to be smug when some cretin says he’ll rescue people trapped on the train, but only if they’re willing to pay. It turns out that he can’t hold the ladder by himself, and needs Chesterton’s help; don’t you just love when people are forced to eat humble pie? Ian isn’t someone who likes to solve problems with his fists, but believe him, if that’s his only option then he’s pretty good at it!

◆ Barbara Wright

Considering how much I adore the pure historicals, it shouldn’t surprise you that my favourite member of this team is the history teacher. Barbara is horrified when she realises the date, because she immediately recognises that one of the most devastating blizzards in US history is about to hit the Big Apple! She would like nothing more than to leg it back to the TARDIS, but decides to assist a local woman, Rosalita, who ended up in the hospital with Ian. Disaster might be looming, but Barbara proves to be a good Samaritan.

Jemma Powell delivers an exceptionally good performance in ‘The Great White Hurricane’. This is a massive improvement on the previous adventure, which totally forgot that her character existed.

◆ Blizzard Peaks

“Simple and fresh and fair from winter's close emerging,
As if no artifice of fashion, business, politics, had ever been,
Forth from its sunny nook of shelter'd grass—innocent, golden, calm as the dawn,
The spring's first dandelion shows its trustful face.”

— Walter Whitman, ‘The First Dandelion’

The winter of 1888 had been unseasonably mild on the east coast of the United States – the mildest in nearly two decades – so that by early March the trees were already beginning to bud, the robins were returning to the city, and it was more than 50° Fahrenheit outside. It was so clearly the coming of spring that on March 10th, one of the most celebrated poets in America submitted the above poem about the coming of spring to the New York Herald for publication. The poem was published on March 12th, by which point it was comically ill-timed.

On the evening of March 11th, one of the most severe recorded blizzards in American history arrived: the Great White Hurricane. The storm paralysed the entire Eastern Seaboard from the Chesapeake Bay to Maine, as well as the Atlantic provinces of Canada. Snow fell from 10 to 58 inches in parts of New Jersey, New York, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, and Connecticut, and sustained winds of more than 45 miles per hour produced snowdrifts in excess of 50 feet. Railroads were shut down and people were confined to their homes for up to a week. Over the course of thirty-six hours, at least four hundred people lost their lives. The event would later be described in history books as the worst snowstorm to hit a heavily populated area.

Speaking as someone that’s spent their entire life in England, we never learnt about this horrifying natural disaster. I can only imagine how frightening it would’ve been to look out the window and see this wall of white encasing your home, knowing that you could potentially freeze to death in an icy tomb. The snowstorm turned the Big Apple into a winter hellscape, which Guy Adams perfectly utilises as the backdrop for a pure historical.

◆ Sound Design

One of the most severe recorded blizzards in American history has just hit the Big Apple, transforming it into a deadly winter wonderland. It’s chaos out there; gang members are causing more trouble than usual, while trains collide with each other due to poor visibility. Howard Carter has done an excellent job with this soundscape.

Gangs can be heard fighting a short distance from the TARDIS… seconds before Ian is shot! A high-pitched whistle causes the gangs to scatter as members of the New York constabulary descend on the area. Neighing horses tug carriages to the police station. Rain starts pouring down as the storm draws near. The hurricane finally arrives, bringing icy winds that howl through the streets of the Big Apple. The frozen surface of the Hudson River begins to crack and give way, turning into a series of miniature icebergs bobbing in the water.

◆ Conclusion

“Hundreds will die, and if we’re not out of here soon, we may be among them…”

In this adventure, our travellers are almost immediately met with trouble. They stumble into the middle of gangland, with Ian being caught in the crossfire; the bullet would’ve been fatal had it been a fraction closer to his head, but he managed to walk away with only a concussion. The TARDIS crew have materialised in the late 19th century, specifically New York City, and it isn’t long before they lose one another in this cold metropolis. Heavy snow continues to fall across the Eastern Seaboard, but there’s a perfectly good explanation for that: the Doctor and his friends have arrived during one of the most severe recorded blizzards in American history!

Some people will say that I’m biased towards the pure historicals, and they would be absolutely correct! Guy Adams sends the TARDIS team into a dangerous situation; if they aren’t being hassled by gangland thugs, they’re trying to avoid getting frostbite. Our heroes only goal is trying to reunite with each other, so they can leave this frozen hellscape. As previously mentioned, we never learnt about the Great Blizzard of 1888 here in England, but this adventure made me want to learn more.

‘The Great White Hurricane’ features some excellent performances from our regulars, but I also want to praise the supporting cast. Convincing American accents have never been something BigFinish excelled at – they usually end up sounding like an extra from Midnight Cowboy, or a member of Cletus’s family from The Simpsons – so I’m thankful to whoever suggested hiring actual Americans to play Patrick, Daniel and O’Connell.

A thoroughly enjoyable pure historical adventure, and one I can highly recommend. Just be careful though: it’s freezing outside…

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#197. The Entropy Plague ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

After fourteen adventures with this TARDIS team, we find ourselves at the end of the road, and it seems only fitting that we should end the way we began – with a cracking Jonathan Morris script.

E-Space is crumbling around the Doctor and his friends, entropy is drawing ever closer and not everyone is going to get out alive. One thing is certain. This is going to be one Hell of a finale!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

A Great Darkness is spreading over E-Space. Entropy increases. In search of a last exit to anywhere, the TARDIS arrives on the power-less planet of Apollyon, where the scientist Pallister guards the only way out – a mysterious portal. But the portal needs power to open, and the only power Pallister can draw on is the energy contained within the molecular bonds of all living tissue...

The Doctor, Nyssa, Tegan and Turlough soon learn that neither Pallister nor his ally, the space pirate Captain Branarack, will stop at murder to ensure their escape. But they're not the only menace on Apollyon. The Sandmen are coming – creatures that live on the life force; that live on death.

Death is the only way out into N-Space. Death, or sacrifice.

But whose death?

Whose sacrifice?

◆ The Fifth Doctor

It feels like only yesterday that I was diving into my review of ‘Cobwebs’, full of excitement for all the wonderful adventures that this TARDIS team would have together. All good things must come to an end, and we’ve sadly reached that point now. Jonathan Morris has proven time and time again what a spectacular writer he is for BigFinish, and his characterisation in this adventure is absolutely on-point! ‘The Entropy Plague’ sees Peter Davison concluding this story arc with a magnificent performance.

The Doctor takes full responsibility, if anyone is to blame for what happened to Nyssa then it is him. He isn’t sure who to feel sorry for most – Tegan or her abductors! He tells Pallister that his speciality is practically everything, and is quick to “butter him up” by complimenting the inspired engineering used to create his steampunk robots.

◆ Tegan Jovanka

‘The Entropy Plague’ sees Janet Fielding deliver one last terrific performance for this story arc.

Tegan has seen the effects of entropy before, saw what it did to the Monitor on Logopolis.

◆ Vislor Turlough

‘The Entropy Plague’ features a brilliant performance from Mark Strickson.

Turlough thinks it would be better to sacrifice Captain Branarack or one of his crew because they’re murderers, as they’d be doing both universes a favour.

◆ “Older” Nyssa

‘The Entropy Plague’ is the conclusion to the “Older Nyssa” story arc, so you would expect Sarah Sutton to deliver one of her best performances. I’m glad to say that you wont be disappointed as she does an exquisite job here.

Nyssa isn’t as young as she looks. She always puts other people first and herself last – it’s how she was brought up, and she wouldn’t have it any other way. Nyssa believes that she can do more good by staying in E-Space, and sacrifices herself just to make sure her friends can get back home… even if it means she will never see Adric and Neeka again.

◆ Story Recap

Tegan has been kidnapped from Isenfel by a band of space pirates, and the TARDIS is in hot pursuit, until both ships begin rapidly losing power and are forced to crash-land on the world of Apollyon. It is here where refugees from all across E-Space have arrived to escape the rapidly approaching death of their universe, because this just so happens to be the location of a CVE… but with all electricity being constantly drained, the refugees are having to get creative.

Wooden cranes and rail-tracks will be used to propel the spaceships through the gateway, leading to the vicinity of a red giant where they can refuel their solar cells and be on their way, but the gateway needs to be stabilised before anyone can pass through.

Science Tech Pallister and his army of steampunk clockwork robots have found a way, one that involves executing an innocent life and using their life-force to stabilise the gateway. The Doctor even suggests sacrificing himself to send everyone through the CVE, but we all knew how this was going to end… we all knew that the last daughter of Traken would never be returning home.

◆ The Last Daughter of Traken

A mass exodus from E-Space, where the only way to get into our universe is by having someone sacrificed. Just like in the previous instalment of this arc, an arrival must be balanced by a departure… a life must be balanced by a death.

One of my biggest complaints when it comes to the Fifth Doctor’s televised tenure is that Nyssa got a really dreadful departure story, where the only memorable thing was the Garm (a creature that looked a bit like Winnie the Pooh, if he became addicted to several illicit substances).

This adventure sees her sacrificing herself to allow her companions to return to N-Space, along with several of the refugees who had come to Apollyon to escape entropy. It’s a really tragic conclusion to her storyline, but an incredibly fitting one. Nyssa lost her entire world to the ravages of entropy, and now she gets to stop the same force from taking her friends too.

Jonathan Morris decides to make you feel even more depressed by having this story framed as a series of flashbacks – with the Doctor, Tegan and Turlough recounting the events that led to their escape from E-Space… and explaining to Adric Traken why he will never see his mother again.

This script really is just one giant sledgehammer to your heart, and I would argue that it is the best companion departure story in all of canon (aside from maybes Jo Grant’s, which also has me in floods of tears).

◆ Sound Design

Apollyon is a bustling world filled with revellers having one last knees-up as their universe goes down the toilet, and desperate souls carrying out sacrifices to escape the ever approaching claws of entropy. It is a world where electricity is sapped out of all technology, where steampunk and clockwork robots patrol on behalf of Science Tech Pallister. The sound design for this finale is absolutely perfect, easily some of Hardwick’s best work.

The TARDIS begins hurtling towards the surface of Apollyon, as all power is drained from the ship. Bustling crowds in the shanty town, with revellers of all different species celebrating the end of everything at the carnival of death. Ships begin dropping out of the sky, suffering similar power losses to the TARDIS, only landing safely by venting huge amounts of fuel. The steaming joints of Pallister’s clockwork robots (like something out of the BioShock games). Rumbling thunder as the CVE opens wider… and Tegan’s life energy is nearly drained from her. The voice of the Sandmen are husky and intimidating, and they are genuinely frightening as they erode the people of the shanty town. Pallister’s robots gun down the screaming refugees trying to break into the Citadel, trying to escape the grasp of the Sandmen.

◆ Music

Andy Hardwick is also handling the score for ‘The Entropy Plague’, and he is keen to let you know that this will be a tragic finale. The violin is used to great effect throughout the score, reminding you of the desperate situation the people of Apollyon are facing, and how they will all succumb to entropy unless they escape their universe.

This is an action packed and tense score, but one which knows when to scale things back to a simple and sombre piano too. Utterly beautiful.

◆ Conclusion

“I will regret this for as long as I live…”

The “Older Nyssa” story arc has always been one of my favourite things BigFinish have done with the Fifth Doctor, and we’ve gotten some amazing adventures out of it; the Mara attempting to create its empire centuries earlier than planned, exploring Turlough’s personal history with Deela, a Jules Verne style adventure through 1920s Calcutta, the machinations of Magnus Greel, and let’s not forget when Tegan got to pose as a Dark Ages princess! Alas, all great things must come to an end.

‘The Entropy Plague’ sees our travellers grounded on the world of Apollyon, where the population of E-Space have gathered for the death of their universe. Some are content to have one last knees-up, while others are trying to open the CVE wider and escape into our universe, but the only way to widen the gateway is with the death of a human life… and not all of the TARDIS team will get out alive.

Jonathan Morris has always known how to create some amazing scripts, but this might be the best he has ever written – and also the most tragic. A beautiful and melancholic send off for Nyssa, brought to life by a cast who are all delivering their a-game, and a composer who will have you in tears with his immaculate score. ‘The Entropy Plague’ is the best possible conclusion to this story arc.

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#196. Equilibrium ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

The second E-Space trilogy has gotten off to a pretty poor start, but Matt Fitton is about to save it with one of my absolute favourite Fifth Doctor adventures. I’m writing this during the last week of May 2023, and it has been incredibly warm of late… so allow me to introduce you to a land of snow and ice, of snarling beasts and killer black snow. A fairytale kingdom known as Isenfel.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Still looking for a way out of E-Space, the TARDIS crashes to Isenfel – a realm of snow and ice. Snarling beasts stalk the frozen plains, a feisty princess leads the hunt, and a queen in an ice palace rules over her loyal subjects.

But this is no fairytale kingdom, and everyone in Isenfel knows the price of survival. While Nyssa and Tegan uncover deadly secrets hidden in the palace, Turlough flees for his life across the tundra.

And as for the Doctor... he only ever wants to change things for the better. But in a world such as Isenfel, such a hope may not even be possible.

◆ The Fifth Doctor

Having such a large team travelling in the TARDIS can often present a problem for the writers, with one member usually being forced to slink off into the background for the duration of the adventure. It’s one of the reasons I adore stories like this one, because everyone gets something to do and something to say, so I commend Matt Fitton for that. ‘Equilibrium’ features a terrific performance from Peter Davison.

The Doctor asks many questions, and Queen Karlina believes that he has an enquiring mind. Nyssa claims that he upsets the balance for the best, that there is no equilibrium with him – he will always tip the scales in everybody’s favour but his own.

◆ Tegan Jovanka

‘Equilibrium’ is the penultimate release of this long story arc, and it gives us a chance to hear how much Janet Fielding has blossomed on audio. An utterly stellar performance.

Tegan isn’t a scientist, just a tourist. Of course she would end up kidnapped at the end of this story!

◆ Vislor Turlough

‘Equilibrium’ gives Mark Strickson a wealth of great material, making excellent use of his character’s royal background. He puts on a tremendous performance.

Turlough claims that his pioneering spirit is back in his room, with a hot cup of cocoa. Queen Karlina describes his hair as a “fiery crown”. He has done nothing to deserve Tegan or Nyssa as his wife! Death is something Turlough plans to put off for as long as possible.

◆ “Older” Nyssa

‘Equilibrium’ is a tremendous adventure for Sarah Sutton, who delivers yet another superb performance.

Nyssa thinks that they shouldn’t disturb the order of things on Isenfel, that they should leave with the minimal of fuss (she does remember whose TARDIS she is travelling in, doesn’t she?) She knows that once you become a parent, there is nothing you wont do to keep your child safe.

◆ Story Recap

In hot pursuit of an Alzarian who has stolen a vital component of the TARDIS, the Doctor and his friends find themselves in the snowy, fairytale kingdom of Isenfel. They soon become the guests of honour at a feast held by the charming Queen Karlina, where they bare witness to the horrifying proceedings that keep this realm afloat.

Isenfel has always had the same number of people, animals, crops, etc and they keep meticulous count, or the planet does the job for them… by sending a strange black snow to execute the citizens of the kingdom.

The Doctor is unsurprisingly disgusted by the so-called “balancing” and wants to find a better way of life for these people, but he could end up causing much more harm by helping them.

◆ Fairytale Kingdom

‘Equilibrium’ is an adventure that spirits us away to a realm carpeted under sheets of ice and powdered snow… so it’s an absolute tonic for someone like me who despises the ever approaching British Summertime heat!

The location of Isenfel is really one of the script’s crowning achievements, reminding me somewhat of the fantasy world of Narnia. It appears to be this gorgeously Medieval kingdom, but scratch beneath the surface, and you uncover the horrifying truth – it’s nothing more than a laboratory experiment, set up to simulate the collapse of E-Space, and ways to keep it constant. That is why the royal family have these rituals to make sure all resources are balanced, and why the black snow will erase people if the equilibrium is disturbed.

The Doctor thinks he can save the people of Isenfel by shutting the experiment down and allowing them to live a life free from the balancing… but he instead speeds up the eventual entropic collapse of this universe. Isenfel is such a complicated and beautiful location, but Fitton has done a tremendous job at fleshing it out.

◆ Sound Design

Given how hot it has been these past few days, I really welcome the chance to be transported to a frosty fairytale kingdom. Richard Fox and Lauren Yason have received an immense amount of praise from me in the past, but their work on this story is simply enchanting. I have such a vivid picture in my mind of the Kingdom of Isenfel, with its lands carpeted under a sheet of pure white snow, and the beautiful Disney-esque castle sat at the centre of it all. The sound design is just absolutely stunning in this story. Fox and Yason should be VERY proud of themselves.

The TARDIS console room is consumed by sparking electronics and blaring alarms as it hurtles through E-Space without the stabiliser. Icy winds fly past the Doctor and his friends, and across the snowy tundra. Feet crunching through powdered snow. The ice cracks around the TARDIS, before the ship falls into the frozen waters below. A pack of snarling snow-beasts stalk our regulars. The ticking of Skaarsgard’s “balancing” machine. Queen Karlina’s servants cook up a great feast for their visitors, with food bubbling in pans.

◆ Music

Fox and Yason are also handling the score for ‘Equilibrium’. It definitely carries on that ethereal fairytale theme that surrounds this entire story, with a twinkling piano that sounds like the music is being played on instruments made of pure ice and snow.

Our composers then begin to add more layers to the score, with the string instruments seamlessly fading in to build up tension in the story, followed by an incredibly epic and bombastic percussion section.

I have often made the claim that “this is the best score I have ever listened to”, but that claim actually holds true for ‘Equilibrium’. Fox and Yason left me utterly entranced and speechless the first time I heard the music for this adventure, and they deserve a huge pat on the back for doing such an immaculate job here.

◆ Conclusion

“Only a human life can balance a human life!”

Matt Fitton is one of the most prolific writers for the audio adventures, but ‘Equilibrium’ is easily his greatest script. We are transported to a realm of icy wastes and snowy tundras, where a charming royal family has to keep the energies and resources of their kingdom balanced; all arrivals in Isenfel are balanced by departures, and all births are balanced by a death. It is a barbaric system that the Doctor wants stopped… but interfering in the workings of this realm will have dire consequences for the entirety of E-Space!

‘Equilibrium’ is an extremely well-written and performed adventure, but my favourite aspect has got to be Fox and Yason’s music; it is pure perfection.

If you were to place ‘Scherzo’, ‘The Holy Terror’ and a copy of The Chronicles of Narnia into a metaphorical blender, then you would get this adventure. That is a huge compliment.

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#195. Mistfall ~ 1/10

◆ An Introduction

We’ve reached the final trilogy of the “Older Nyssa” arc, and I have to commend the writers and cast for making this a really enjoyable set of adventures. Aside from two major misfires – those being ‘Heroes of Sontar’ and that dire Eldrad sequel – I have had an amazing time.

These final three adventures will see us return to the parallel universe of E-Space, and just like the original trilogy of adventures set there, Andrew Smith is taking us to the planet Alzarius.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Drawn off-course, the TARDIS passes through a CVE into a closed universe – a hugely improbable event with a tragically obvious cause. In order to escape inescapable E-Space, the Doctor, Nyssa, Tegan and Turlough are forced to venture in the wilds of planet Alzarius.

But they're not the only unwanted visitors to this strange world. A Starliner has landed, captained by Decider Merrion – but why would Merrion risk rousing the Planet that Slept, and the monsters in its marshes?

Mistfall is coming. The Marshmen are coming. But while Nyssa and Turlough find themselves caught in the open, in the hands of fanatics who model themselves on the legendary Outlers, the Doctor and Tegan discover that the supposedly secure Starliner affords them no protection from monsters both within and without…

◆ The TARDIS Team

It’s a real rarity for me to bundle all the regulars of a story together in one compact section, because it is often a very bad thing. Davison, Fielding, Strickson and Sutton all sound like they would rather be doing anything else, as long as it means they aren’t recording lines for ‘Mistfall’. I really cannot blame them either.

◆ Utter Dross

The prospect of the TARDIS returning to E-Space is extremely exciting, because a different plane of reality means you have a whole different rulebook to play with. It means that the writers can be downright experimental and do something incredibly fresh. Unfortunately, Andrew Smith clearly didn’t think that way when writing this story.

‘Mistfall’ is very similar to ‘Eldrad Must Die!’ - they both claim to be sequels to classic adventures, but actually just feel like an incredibly poor retelling of what we have already seen and heard before. I’m writing this on May 21st 2023, and it’s currently a sweltering hot day outside. I passed up a trip to the beach for fish and chips in favour of relistening to and reviewing this utter dross, so I would forgive you all for assuming I had absolutely no life whatsoever!

◆ Sound Design

I don’t know if there was a malfunction with the microphones at BigFinish when this was being recorded, but they sound like they’re fizzing during some lines (I noticed it a lot with Janet Fielding in particular). Speaking as someone who used to run their own YouTube channel, I know that getting the settings correct on a microphone can be a complete pain in the backside, but this is a professionally made piece of media… or at least, it should be. As for Nigel Fairs sound design in this episode, it’s just very bland and boring.

The interior of the TARDIS warps as it passes through the CVE. Tweeting birds and rustling trees.

◆ Music

Nigel Fairs is also handling the score for ‘Mistfall’, but it genuinely sounds as if he just ripped the soundtrack straight from ‘Full Circle’. Lazy is the keyword of the day people!

◆ Conclusion

“Creatures? You mean the Marsh Men?”

This might just be one of the shortest reviews I have ever written, because this is one of the most lazily written stories I have ever experienced. I’ll openly admit that I wasn’t the biggest fan of ‘Full Circle’ in the first place, but this sequel genuinely feels like a complete rehash of what Andrew Smith has already written.

As another reviewer previously put it, this is the bare minimum across the board and it shows every step of the way. Everybody’s performance is as stiff as a wooden beam, the writing is atrocious, the sound design and music are bland and boring. I genuinely do not understand why anyone would want to subject themselves to an hour and a half of this absolute mess.

I can think of a thousand things that are more worthwhile doing than listening to ‘Mistfall’, including boiling my own head whilst attempting to unicycle down the side of Big Ben!

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#174. Prisoners of Fate ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

We’re rapidly approaching the end of the “Older Nyssa” arc, so it’s about time the writers tie up some loose ends. Jonathan Morris was responsible for reuniting our favourite Trakenite with the Doctor, in a story where her goal was to find the cure for a deadly disease that was ravaging the cosmos. But she will never be able to go home, never be able to pick up her life where she left off.

Destiny has made its decision, and Nyssa is now just another prisoner of fate.

Hearts will be broken, reunions will be shocking, and nothing will ever be the same again.

Strap yourselves in folks, because this is going to be spectacular!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Twenty-five years ago, with Richter's Syndrome running rampant throughout the galaxy, the brilliant biochemist Nyssa, formerly of Traken, bade a painful farewell to her young family... and set off into the space, in search of a cure for this deadly disease.

She never returned.

Now, her grown-up son continues her work on the penal colony of Valderon, still desperate to make the breakthrough that eluded his presumed-dead mother.

So when the TARDIS lands on Valderon, bringing the Doctor, Tegan, Turlough and Nyssa to its fortress prison, the scene is set for a painful reunion... but not only for Nyssa. The Doctor's past is about to catch up with him too...

◆ The Fifth Doctor

Jonathan Morris has long been one of the most revered Doctor Who writers, and for good reason. His characterisation for this TARDIS team is absolutely spot-on, and the entire cast are acting their socks off! ‘Prisoners of Fate’ could easily take home the prize for Peter Davison’s best performance overall.

The Doctor expects the chronoscope comes in useful for weather forecasts on Valderon. He feels a certain obligation to help the old Type 50, but that doesn’t mean he trusts it. He seems to spend half of his life running after Tegan!

◆ Tegan Jovanka

‘Prisoners of Fate’ features another spectacular performance from Janet Fielding.

Tegan gets called a genetic throwback by Turlough, which makes her a perfect research subject for “Galen”. The Mara has left her vulnerable to mental control, which the Type 50 is quick to take advantage of.

◆ Vislor Turlough

‘Prisoners of Fate’ sees Mark Strickson delivering a top-notch performance.

Turlough knows that his fellow travellers still don’t trust him – it’s the same wherever they go, with him being kept in the dark about what is really going on. Being taken over by Eldrad has weakened his psychic defences, leaving him vulnerable to the Type 50’s control.

◆ “Older” Nyssa

‘Prisoners of Fate’ is a pretty pivotal story for the character of Nyssa, and Sarah Sutton really gave 110% with her performance here.

Nyssa practically breaks down when she sees her son again, and she is horrified to learn that she’s been believed dead for twenty-five years! Her daughter has been put into suspended animation after becoming infected with Richter’s, and her husband died alone many years ago… and hearing all this just breaks her. Nyssa is angry with the Doctor for trying to keep the truth from her, that she never made it home. She has lost her parents, her world, and everything dear to her. Now she feels as though she has lost her trust in the Doctor. Nyssa is so glad she got to see the man her son grew up to be. She promises that she’ll meet him and Neeka again in one months time, on Maxis Realtor… but she will never see her children again.

◆ Story Recap

Valderon was originally established as a penal colony for the most dangerous criminals across Earth’s empire, but things have changed in the past two decades. Crime has been eradicated thanks to a device known only as a chronoscope, allowing the world’s leader to convict criminals before they even have a chance to act.

Adric Traken is someone who has taken full advantage of the excess of incarcerated felons, using them in his research to find a cure for Richter’s Syndrome. He is carrying on the work started by his mother, twenty-five years ago… his mother who is presumed to have died during a mission to the planet Helheim.

It isn’t long before the TARDIS arrives on this troubled planet, and a recently rejuvenated Nyssa is reunited with her grown-up son. They quickly realise that, if they combine their research, they can cure Richter’s. Meanwhile, the Doctor is also about to have a reunion, one which will unveil the disturbing truth of the chronoscope.

◆ The Truth of the Chronoscope

‘Prisoners of Fate’ is easily one of the most unique and well-written Fifth Doctor adventures, which should come as no surprise when you realise that it’s a Jonny Morris script. There is a lot to talk about in this review, so where better to start than my favourite aspect of the adventure, that being the incredibly creative villain.

The Doctor’s oldest and most dear friend is easily his faithful Type 40 TARDIS, but he owned another prior to his life as a renegade Time Lord. His original time ship, a Type 50, was understandably hurt and angry at being abandoned in favour of an inferior model.

It decided to go in search of its former pilot, jettisoning nine tenths of its interior just to escape Gallifrey’s transduction barriers. It crash landed on Valderon in a dire state – it could make a few short hops, its telepathic circuits were intact, and it could still see into the future. It was at this point that an incredibly ambitious politician, Sibor, decided to use the ship for her own gain.

The Type 50 was imprisoned for twenty years, tortured into becoming the planet’s famed chronoscope. But when the Doctor and his friends arrived on Valderon, it got the perfect opportunity to get revenge on its former pilot. Manipulating events so that it could feed off of the energies of paradoxes, like a Weeping Angel, to rebuild its internal dimensions.

This is an absolutely incredible idea for an antagonist, having the Doctor’s former TARDIS acting like a jilted lover that’s out for blood, but it could have easily went wrong. I really commend Jonny Morris for doing such a good job when it comes to his execution of this idea, and I’m glad that the Type 50 actually gets a chance to redeem itself before the end too.

◆ Trakenite Tragedy

‘Prisoners of Fate’ is in-keeping with the other stories in this trilogy because it puts the spotlight on one companion, and it’s Nyssa’s turn this time round.

Richter’s Syndrome has hung over her from the moment she resumed her travels in the TARDIS, and it was her goal to find a cure with the research carried out on Helheim. Due to the Doctor’s abysmal skills at piloting his own ship, she would not be reunited with the family she left behind until twenty-five years in her future.

Whilst the combined research acquired by both Nyssa and her son mean that a cure for Richter’s can be easily synthesised, it’s clear that a lot has happened to their family in the intervening years she has been away – her husband Lasarti died alone ten years ago, her daughter Neeka has been placed in suspended animation after catching Richter’s. That isn’t even going into the emotional trauma Adric has been through, crying himself to sleep for years because he believed his own mother had perished.

Jonathan Morris has always been one of the best writers with BigFinish, but the scenes between Nyssa and Adric here genuinely broke my heart. Alastair Mackenzie deserves a huge amount of praise for his portrayal of Adric Traken in this story, and this isn’t the last time we’ll hear from the character. Tragedy isn’t done with the Traken family yet.

◆ Sound Design

Anyone who reads my reviews with any degree of regularity will know how much I absolutely adore the creative partnership of Kelly Ellis and Steve McNichol, so it might surprise you that I don’t have much to say about the sound design for this adventure. It is extremely polished and atmospheric, but it absolutely takes a back seat to the incredible story and character building present throughout, which is no bad thing in this instance.

Rain pouring down, as Lasarti sends a crackling transmission to his son. Adric’s lab is filled with bleeping scientific instruments, bubbling test tubes and vials. Feet squelching through muddy ground. The settlement on Valderon is filled with the sound of chiming bells and bustling citizens. Whispering voices speak to the Doctor’s companions telepathically.

◆ Music

I’ll likely always associate Ellis and McNichol with their incredible use of the electric guitar, meaning this is a complete departure from what I’m used to hearing them create.

This score is incredibly synthesiser heavy and really manages to evoke the feeling that this could have been made back in 1983. It is an incredibly nostalgic piece of music, but excellent none the less.

https://soundcloud.com/foolcircle/pofmusic-suite

◆ Conclusion

“It should have been me! Not this antiquated relic!”

Jonathan Morris has long been regarded as one of the greatest writers for this franchise, but you simply cannot deny that this is the apex of his work. ‘Prisoners of Fate’ is the Nyssa-centric story of this trilogy, and it’s quick to beat your heart to a pulp with a sledgehammer.

She is reunited with her son twenty-five years too late, only to discover that her husband died alone and her daughter is a victim of Richter’s. Life has changed beyond all recognition for the Traken family, and it is going to get a lot worse before this story arc ends… but I’ll save talking about that for my review of ‘The Entropy Plague’.

I’ve already praised the incredibly creative villain of this adventure, but it needs reiterating. Jonny Morris takes the Doctor’s original TARDIS and turns it into almost a spurned lover, one that is jealous of the faithful Type 40 and out for blood! It really is such an amazing idea.

With some of the best writing and acting in BigFinish history, you’d be an absolute fool to miss out on ‘Prisoners of Fate’.

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#173. The Lady of Mercia ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

One of the things I adore about the Fifth Doctor’s audio adventures is how unburdened they are by story arcs – you can very easily just pick any CD featuring him and dive straight in (which is a welcome change from the McGann space operas and the intricate weaving arcs of the McCoy plays).

Paul Magrs is one of my favourite writers for this franchise and someone I have come to associate with laugh out loud comedies, which shouldn’t be surprising since he created the character of Iris Wildthyme, but don’t for one minute think that he is a “one-trick pony”. He has penned a beautifully sombre adventure about a city sinking into the sea (‘The Stones of Venice’) and a genuinely harrowing pure historical piece (‘The Peterloo Massacre’).

I always used to think of this as the weakest script Magrs had written for BigFinish, because it is a lot more subtle with its comedy, and it is more conventional than what we have come to expect from the audio adventures. I am so happy I took the advice of someone in the BigFinish Audio Facebook group to give this one another go, because it is delightful.

Enough rambling, this is only meant to be the introduction after all, let’s dive into ‘The Lady of Mercia’.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The TARDIS brings the Doctor, Tegan, Turlough and Nyssa to the University of Frodsham, close to where the warrior queen Æthelfrid fought a desperate and bloody rearguard action against the savage Danes. Over a thousand years later, in 1983, battle is still being raged, with student activists taking on savage funding cuts… and disrupting a conference about Æthelfrid convened by history professor John Bleak.

Meanwhile, over in the Physics Department, Dr Philippa Stone is working night and day on a top-secret project – but can her theoretical time machine really be the solution to the university's problems?

Present and past are about to collide – and the results, as the TARDIS crew is about to discover, will be far from academic!

◆ The Fifth Doctor

We’re drawing ever closer to the final adventure with this team of regulars, so I just want to say how much fun I have had writing these reviews. This TARDIS crew clearly have an affinity with each other, and it results in some utterly glorious performances. That sentiment still stands for ‘The Lady of Mercia’, as Peter Davison does a splendid job with the material.

The Doctor is only a student in the sense that one never stops learning. He carries out most of his research in the field, getting his hands dirty.

◆ Tegan Jovanka

‘The Lady of Mercia’ is an absolute gold mine of material for Janet Fielding, who gets to showcase a lot of range here. It’s an absolutely spectacular performance from beginning to end – she’s easily the star performer of the adventure.

Tegan was at college for a bit and claims that it wasn’t all that different to Frodsham Uni. She doesn’t give a damn about the Doctor’s history lesson, so decides to take advantage of the conference’s complimentary sherry! She thinks that riding is easy, something she learnt on her dad’s sheep farm.

◆ Vislor Turlough

‘The Lady of Mercia’ honestly showcases Mark Strickson at his glorious best, with his character getting to be brilliantly sarcastic throughout.

Turlough turns his nose up at the University of Frodsham, because it’s not exactly Oxbridge, is it? His first reaction to seeing Æthelfrid's sword is to comment on how much money it would be worth! If the TARDIS was his, he would charge all the university professors a whopping great fee, so they could find out the truth to history’s mysteries.

◆ “Older” Nyssa

‘The Lady of Mercia’ doesn’t give much material to Sarah Sutton, but she still excels with what is there.

Nyssa thinks the university is a curious environment to study in, finding the whole thing rather unwelcoming.

◆ Story Recap

The Doctor and his friends arrive at the University of Frodsham, where they end up gatecrashing a conference about the warrior queen Æthelfrid convened by history professor John Bleak. Elsewhere on campus, Dr Philippa Stone has been working tirelessly on her experimental time machine – and it’s ready for a trial run. It works by probing a historical artefact and analysing its past.

It soon transpires that Bleak and Stone are actually married, and it isn’t long before Tegan spots the former stealing Æthelfrid’s sword! The trial run of the time machine quickly goes wrong, flinging Tegan ten centuries into the past with the neurotic history professor… and right into the path of history. If that wasn’t enough to worry about, Æthelfrid’s daughter has been transported to 1983!

Until Princess Ælfwynn can be returned to her own time… it is up to Tegan Jovanka to act as the temporary heir to the throne of Mercia.

◆ The Dark Ages

‘The Lady of Mercia’ instantly scores brownie points from me simply because it is a historical adventure, and those have always been my favourites. My criteria for what makes a good historical adventure is pretty simple; educate me on the chosen historical figure or era, without coming across as either patronising or boring. Paul Magrs more than meets the criteria with this adventure, he absolutely smashes it!

Secondary school history classes only went as far back as the Anglo-Saxons when I was doing my GCSEs, so the Dark Ages were a complete blank for me. The Kingdom of Mercia was one of the largest in the British Isles, besieged on all sides by southerners from Wessex and the approaching Danes from Northumbria. The most well known monarch of this era was Alfred the Great, due to the fact children are often taught the story where he is on the run from the Vikings, taking refuge in the home of a peasant woman. She asks him to watch her cakes – small loaves of bread – baking by the fire, but distracted by his own problems, he allows the cakes the burn and is roundly scolded by the woman. Unfortunately, this story is likely untrue.

The Dark Ages are an era which are still surrounded by much mystery, because there simply aren’t a huge amount of records or artefacts to examine compared to say Tudor times or the Edwardian era. What we do know is that Alfred the Great’s daughter became known as the Lady of Mercia. Æthelflæd (whose name has been altered in this story to Æthelfrid) was a warrior queen and a great ruler, one who is most well known for her vital role in the conquest of the Danelaw. Her reputation clearly proceeded her, because after her army captured Derby in 917 from the Danes, the city of Leicester surrendered without a fight the next year.

A few months after the relatively peaceful takeover of Leicester, the leading men of the Danish-ruled York offered to pledge their loyalty to Æthelflæd, likely to secure her support against Norse raiding parties from Ireland, but she never got to take advantage of the offer. Æthelflæd’s reign came to an end after seven years, following her passing on June 12th 918. Her daughter Ælfwynn was all set to become the “Second Lady of Mercia”, but her reign was cut incredibly short by her uncle, Edward the Elder, who made the decision to remove her from power and send her to Wessex in December 918.

It’s an incredibly interesting period of history, and I’m really glad Paul Magrs decided to shine a spotlight onto it.

◆ Sound Design

From the trials and tribulations of a university campus, to the long forgotten battles of the Dark Ages. This is yet another really polished bit of sound design from Steve Foxon.

Student protestors chant outside of the physics department. Tweed-clad academics chat away in the university atrium, whilst a live band plays relaxing music in the background. The sound of clashing swords enters into Tegan’s mind as she stares at Æthelfrid's sword. Dr Stone’s time machine malfunctions and detonates in her lab… sending Tegan and Bleak back to Dark Ages Mercia! Ælfwynn begins swinging her sword, attempting to attack the student protestors in 1983. Æthelfrid, Tegan and Bleak ride towards York; horses galloping all the way from the castle in Derby. Bells ringing out in York Minster announce the arrival of the Lady of Mercia. Chaos erupts inside the Minster, swords clashing as the forces of Mercia, Wessex and the Danes begin fighting each other.

◆ Music

Steve Foxon is also handling the score for ‘The Lady of Mercia’, and I once more find myself praising his work. The music here starts out with this brilliantly steady beat that helps to build up tension throughout the adventure, but later transitions into an absolutely gorgeous string arrangement that perfectly suits the corner of history Tegan gets flung to in this adventure.

https://soundcloud.com/stevefoxon/the-lady-of-mercia-music-suite

As with the majority of his work for BigFinish, the isolated score for ‘The Lady of Mercia’ is free to listen to on Foxon’s SoundCloud page.

◆ Conclusion

“I am Ælfwynn, Princess of Mercia, and I am here to wreak havoc on you all!”

Paul Magrs is a writer you would often associate with laugh out loud comedies, but he tones down the absurdity for this adventure in favour of witty dialogue and an incredibly fun scenario. A princess from the Dark Ages has been spirited away to 1983, whilst Tegan has been sent back to the early tenth century… where she now has to pose as said Dark Ages princess!

‘The Lady of Mercia’ takes home the prize for the most overlooked and underrated Paul Magrs script I have ever listened to, but I hope all of you reading this review will give it a chance sometime in the future.

Each release in this trilogy sees a different companion taking the spotlight. Whilst Marc Platt completely wasted an opportunity to have some fun with Turlough in the last adventure, Magrs grabs the bull by the horns here and gives Tegan some of the best material she has ever gotten. Janet Fielding really takes full advantage of the excellent material being sent her way too, with her performance here being the best of the adventure.

It’s funny to think that ‘The Lady of Mercia’ used to be one of my least favourite stories from the “Older Nyssa” arc, so I would just like to thank Graham from the BigFinish Audio Facebook group for convincing me to give this story another chance. It’s now become one of my absolute favourites from this arc.

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#172. Eldrad Must Die! ~ 1/10

◆ An Introduction

It’s time to kick off the penultimate trilogy of the “Older Nyssa” arc, and I really wish we weren’t kicking things off with this release. Even the most accomplished writers are still capable of churning out steaming piles of dog turds, and that is exactly what Marc Platt will demonstrate with ‘Eldrad Must Die!’

◆ Publisher’s Summary

"A Doctor, curse his name, threw me down among the dead… but I endure. I am Eldrad… and I must live!

A nuclear icebreaker, foundering in Arctic waters. Seabirds washed up in the fishing resort of Ambermouth, their wings encrusted with crystals. A shining artefact of uncertain provenance, up for sale on an auction site.

All of these things are linked, as the Doctor, Nyssa, Tegan and Turlough are about to discover. Linked to the rebirth of a genocidal tyrant, presumed dead many years ago…

For the sake of the planets Earth and Kastria alike… Eldrad must die!

◆ The Fifth Doctor

‘The Cradle of the Snake’ and ‘The Butcher of Brisbane’ both proved to us how well Marc Platt can write for this troupe of regulars, so I’m sure you can imagine how disappointed I was listening to this adventure. Quite possibly some of the most bland and uninspiring characterisation I have heard in a while, and the performances aren’t up to much either. Peter Davison genuinely sounds like he couldn’t care less about the material in ‘Eldrad Must Die!’, and I genuinely cannot blame him.

The Doctor genuinely made no impression in this story.

◆ Tegan Jovanka

‘Eldrad Must Die!’ is a pretty dire script, but Janet Fielding makes a vain attempt to breathe some life into the material.

Tegan does virtually nothing in this outing, except stealing someone’s Land Rover.

◆ Vislor Turlough

‘Eldrad Must Die!’ is meant to be the Turlough-centric story of this trilogy, but I genuinely found Mark Strickson’s performance here to be one of the most boring he has ever delivered.

Turlough spends the majority of this story hypnotised and reciting the title of the play.

◆ “Older” Nyssa

‘Eldrad Must Die!’ fails to give Sarah Sutton any exciting material, and she sounds just as bored as her fellow cast mates.

Nyssa doesn’t do much in this story, except nearly getting decked by a whale!

◆ Who Asked For This?

This is the first time I have genuinely considered just uploading a blank review to TARDIS Guide, because I don’t see why I should put in more effort than Marc Platt did when writing this story. This is the second story in a row with this TARDIS team to be written by Platt, and both have been sequels to classic adventures from the Philip Hinchcliffe era.

Whilst I will forever praise ‘The Butcher of Brisbane’ for being one of the best adventures with the Fifth Doctor… this has got to be one of the worst. Genuine question for you all here – who in their right mind wanted a sequel to the most boring Hinchcliffe era adventure? I cannot be the only one to think that, outside of Sarah Jane’s beautiful departure scene, ‘The Hand of Fear’ was a complete waste of nearly two hours?

There are so many adventures from Classic Who that Marc Platt could have given the sequel treatment too – we could have gotten a follow up to ‘Fury from the Deep’ that showcased a weaponised version of the weed creature, or a new Fendahl adventure that wasn’t whatever the Hell Tim Foley decided to create for the Torchwood range. We could even have gotten a sequel to ‘Nightmare of Eden’ that made excellent use of the Mandrels. You may have noticed that I’m rambling a fair bit during this review, but that is because there is absolutely no substance to ‘Eldrad Must Die!’

◆ Sound Design

Wilfredo Acosta has impressed me many times in the past with his stunning audio landscapes, especially in the ‘Lady Christina’ spin-off series, but I genuinely have no notes for his work on this story. It’s just boring beyond belief.

Sirens sound aboard a nuclear submarine. Seagulls squawking along the coast of Ambermouth, as waves lap against the beach. The clicking and whistling of a whale.

◆ Music

Wilfredo Acosta is also handling the score for ‘Eldrad Must Die!’, and I sadly have to echo what I said about his sound design. I know how brilliant of a composer he can be from his work on stories like ‘We are the Daleks’ and the ‘Dark Eyes’ box sets… but the music here made literally no impact on me.

◆ Conclusion

“The contamination has spread to humans.”

If ‘The Butcher of Brisbane’ was the perfect example of how to create a polished and exciting sequel to a classic Hinchcliffe adventure, then this is the complete antithesis. What makes that even more shocking is that both stories are written by Marc Platt!

‘The Hand of Fear’ is far from what I would call an interesting story, but I held out hope that a sequel could actually make Eldrad into a really brilliant villain. I was sorely mistaken. This has been an incredibly easy review to write, simply because there is just very little of substance to this plot. Outside of the hallucination scenes Turlough has (which are ripped wholesale from Platt’s earlier adventure for this TARDIS team, ‘The Cradle of the Snake’) I found absolutely nothing of worth in this story.

This is a borderline insufferable release. ‘Eldrad Must Die!’ is proof positive that even a fan-favourite writer can still create a lazy pile of dog turds, but will be forgiven for doing so simply because of their reputation.

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#161. The Butcher of Brisbane ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

I don’t really have many friends who are interested in Doctor Who, and my entire family would probably be a lot happier if I shut up about this franchise all together. That being said, I do find it fascinating to hear what both my mam and step-dad were scared of when they watched the show in their youth.

The giant maggots have always scared my step-dad, and that’s not surprising given the props were reportedly made from the head of a deceased ferret! My mam on the other hand has always been petrified of Mr Sin… so wasn’t very happy when I showed her the artwork for this release.

‘The Talons of Weng-Chiang’ was formerly one of the most well-loved stories in the series, before people woke up and realised it was incredibly racist! Here’s hoping Marc Platt doesn’t include anything problematic during this sequel.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Adopting the alias of Weng-Chiang, the 51st century war criminal Magnus Greel will one day arrive in Victorian London by Time Cabinet – only to meet his doom, his plans undone by the Time Lord known as the Doctor.

The Doctor never believed he'd meet Greel again. But when a TARDIS trip to companion Tegan's home town goes wrong, the Doctor ends up in the younger Greel's heyday – in a world on the brink of all-out war.

With the Doctor at the mercy of Greel's alien associate Findecker and his army of mutations, Tegan is about to learn just why they called Greel 'The Butcher of Brisbane'…

◆ The Fifth Doctor

From a performance stand point at least, this trilogy of adventures have been absolutely top-notch. Marc Platt has proven on numerous occasions in the past how well he can write for the Fifth Doctor and ‘The Butcher of Brisbane’ is no exception. It shouldn’t surprise you then that Peter Davison’s performance here is excellent.

The Doctor always knows the horrible things, but tries to put them right, though it doesn’t always stop them from happening. I love that he bribes Chops the Dingo with a bunch of chocolate drops, all so he can reprogramme him into thinking he’s his chief. The Doctor thinks that “never” is probably the most annoying word in the universe, except when it is “never say die”.

◆ Tegan Jovanka

‘The Butcher of Brisbane’ features some excellent material for Janet Fielding’s character, which was probably a given since it is partially set in her home town. Performance wise, she absolutely nails it here.

Tegan is really excited at the prospect of going to see the shearing at her dad’s sheep farm, and even plans on giving her fellow travellers a guided tour of Brisbane. She feels physically sick at seeing what becomes of her home town; the wasteland in front of her is all that’s left of Brisbane.

◆ Vislor Turlough

‘The Butcher of Brisbane’ is the second story in a row where Mark Strickson has really stepped into the forefront of the action, and he really excels with the material Platt has given him.

Turlough is posing as Nyssa’s personal assistant, and he is even more jumpy than usual (partly because Greel scares him).

◆ “Older” Nyssa

‘The Butcher of Brisbane’ is the first script to really tap into Nyssa’s recent rejuvenation, in a rather brilliant way might I add. Sarah Sutton takes full advantage of Platt’s excellent script to deliver an equally excellent performance.

Nyssa is posing as Magnus Greel’s wife, and it isn’t long until such a dangerous position lands her in hot water – someone attacked Greel’s hover saloon, and she caught a glancing blow from a laser blast. She sees a lot to admire in Greel, but nothing to love.

◆ Story Recap

The Doctor is attempting to materialise the TARDIS just outside of Brisbane during the 1980s, because Tegan wants to witness the sheep shearing at her father’s farm. However, the ship encounters turbulence in the vortex before being struck by a beam of Zygma radiation, carving up its dimensions.

Nyssa and Turlough find themselves transported to 51st century Earth, picked up by agents of Earth Free Media, and roped into a scheme to bring down the corrupt Minister of Justice for the Supreme Alliance of Eastern States – Magnus Greel.

The Doctor and Tegan arrive three years after their friends and find that events have moved on a bit; Nyssa is now under deep cover as Greel’s devoted bride-to-be, while Turlough is working as her personal secretary. Planet Earth is on the brink of the Sixth World War, and Magnus Greel will go to extreme lengths in order to decimate the Icelandic Alliance and become Supreme Leader of the globe. But Greel’s destiny was never in his own hands…

The Doctor has seen his future, as a depraved and disfigured killer in Victorian London, one who will be defeated by his previous incarnation.

◆ Political Machinations

This adventure is a sequel for the Doctor, but a prequel from the perspective of Magnus Greel. We get to hear the events that led to him stealing an experimental time cabinet and fleeing to 1892, which coincidentally means that this story has a very different feel to ‘Weng-Chiang’.

The Gothic themes and “Jack the Ripper” style murders have been switched out for a plot involving political machinations, temporal experiments, and a planet on the edge of all-out war. The scale of this adventure is definitely a lot grander, something which is also reflected in the different locations we switch between; from the deserted Brisbane Dead Zone filled with Findecker’s mutated dingos and the corpses of the hundreds killed during experiments with Zygma energy, to the grand centre of the Eastern Alliance in Peking. It’s just brilliantly written.

◆ Sound Design

Welcome to the madness of planet Earth in the 51st century, where half the planet has been consumed by a new Ice Age, and the other half is being fought over by the Icelandic Alliance and the Supreme Alliance of Eastern States. This is a turbulent era for the human race, and it is expertly brought to life by Fool Circle.

The TARDIS begins violently shuddering as a beam of Zygma energy begins splitting apart reality, flinging Nyssa and Turlough through the time vortex. Icy winds fly past Nyssa and Turlough as they crunch through the snowy tundra of the Brisbane Dead Zone, passing corpses strewn about the city by Findecker’s time experiments. Crickets chirping in the middle of the Outback. A giant mutant troll growls at the Doctor, before kicking Tegan to the ground. The howling of Findecker’s mutant dingos, who soon try to savage the Doctor. The squealing of a Peking Homunculus at the banquet… otherwise known as Mr Sin! Chops and the other cyborg dingos howl as they are put down forever. The Supreme Alliance begins bombarding Reykjavik, their bombs colliding with the dome over the city.

◆ Music

Fool Circle are also handling the score for ‘The Butcher of Brisbane’. It’s been quite some time since I last talked about the creative partnership of Kelly Ellis and Steve McNichol, but anybody who has read my reviews in the past will know that I absolutely adore their music. Out of all the BigFinish productions they have worked on, this has to be their crowning achievement.

https://soundcloud.com/foolcircle/mr-sin-expanded-mix-from-doctor-who-butcher-of-brisbane

Fool Circle are one of the few composers to have most of their isolated scores on SoundCloud, so I highly recommend listening to Mr Sin (Expanded Mix) because it is just proof of why I adore this composing team so much. Electric guitars and snare drums in a perfect marriage to the synthesiser. I genuinely cannot praise the music here enough – it is the best score for any BigFinish play.

◆ Conclusion

“You’re the butcher Greel, one day you’ll drown in your victims blood!”

Earth in the 51st century is on the brink of all-out war, and Magnus Greel is intent on doing a hostile takeover in his native Supreme Alliance of Eastern States… before moving on to annihilate the Icelandic Alliance. He has dreams of world domination, of a planet united under his absolute rule, but we already know what becomes of him (a disfigured wreck carrying out brutal murders in the Victorian era).

‘The Butcher of Brisbane’ is a story of political intrigue and backstabbings, of assassination attempts and deception. It’s also the story of a mad scientist who is attempting to create a time cabinet using a highly deadly form of energy in the Brisbane Dead Zone. Marc Platt doesn’t just manage to pay respects to ‘The Talons of Weng-Chiang’ in this adventure, he also creates something brand new and exciting.

I also have to praise the post-production work, because Fool Circle simply do not get enough love from the fans nowadays. Not only is their sound design faultless here, but that musical score… holy mother of God, it is so good!

‘The Butcher of Brisbane’ is simply magnificent in all aspects, and I’d argue it is the best thing Marc Platt has ever written for this franchise (besting even ‘Spare Parts’).

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#160. The Jupiter Conjunction ~ 8/10

◆ An Introduction

It’s the 10th May 2023 as I write this, and hotter than the flaming Sahara Desert outside, so I am more than happy to be covering a story which is more traditionalist Doctor Who.

Don’t for one second think that is a mark against ‘The Jupiter Conjunction’, it just means that Eddie Robson is just going to have work twice as hard to impress me. That’s the thing about doing a more traditionalist story; they are so common that it’s very easy to notice when they are falling apart…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Eight slash Q Panenka, a craggy comet with a 13km circumference, has an elliptical orbit that takes it between Earth and Jupiter. Which, in the year 2329, makes it a cheap means of space freight – the second class postal service of the solar system.

But when the TARDIS lands on Panenka, the Doctor, Tegan, Turlough and Nyssa discover a community falling apart at the seams – plagued by thefts, and mysterious disappearances among the 'piggybackers' who eke out a desperate existence on the comet.

While Tegan and Nyssa suit up for a dangerous excursion into the comet's Unstable Zone, the Doctor and Turlough find themselves pawns in a game that could lead to tragedy for both Earth and Jupiter alike…

◆ The Fifth Doctor

I think a lot of people tend to underestimate the more traditionalist adventures, despite the fact that they often feature some excellent performances. Peter Davison is really good in ‘The Jupiter Conjunction’.

The Doctor wants to land on the comet simply because he can (which is the perfect attitude to have when you can travel through all time and space). He sometimes wishes the TARDIS would go one step further and translate his analogies. He’s rarely, if ever, armed. The Doctor believes that it is never too late to stop killing.

◆ Tegan Jovanka

‘The Jupiter Conjunction’ is another opportunity for Janet Fielding to show off what a fabulous performer she is.

Tegan thinks she could do with a dip in the fountain of youth herself (travelling with the Doctor is exhausting).

◆ Vislor Turlough

‘The Jupiter Conjunction’ is an absolutely brilliant story for Mark Strickson, who gets to showcase one of his character’s best features; his deviousness.

Turlough decides to confess to the thefts, but only on the condition that he gets immunity from prosecution. He even tries to sweeten the deal with Falcao by telling him that he’ll give evidence against the Doctor! He gives the security staff a list of locations where the stolen goods are apparently being kept hidden… all so that there is only a skeleton crew left at the main colony, allowing him and the Doctor to escape. Turlough really is a cunning fox, ain’t he?

◆ “Older” Nyssa

‘The Jupiter Conjunction’ features another great performance from Sarah Sutton, though I’m shocked that Eddie Robson doesn’t really go into her character’s recent rejuvenation.

Nyssa has read about life in Earth’s solar system, but didn’t know anything lived on Jupiter.

◆ Story Recap

The TARDIS lands on Eight slash Q Panenka, a comet being used as a cheap means of space haulage due to its elliptical orbit between Earth and Jupiter. It isn’t long before our protagonists run into trouble though – the Doctor and Turlough are arrested and accused of stealing large amounts of cargo, whilst Nyssa and Tegan go spacewalking with one of the colony’s “piggybackers”… only to stumble across a plot by a rogue member of the Jupiter Axis Military, who wants to set the combined forces of the Axis and Earth against the ancient natives of his world; the Jovians.

◆ Traditionalist Gem

‘The Jupiter Conjunction’ is a review I have rewritten several times now, because it is so formulaic and just what you’d expect from a Doctor Who adventure. That doesn’t make it an inherently bad release, it just means there is nowhere for the writer to hide; no experimental storylines or unusual narrative structures to fall back on.

One thing that Eddie Robson really gets right with ‘The Jupiter Conjunction’ is how he portrays our regulars. They’ve all hit their stride from a performance stand point now, so it’s great to hear them all working like a well-oiled machine here. Turlough definitely gets the best material in this script, because it uses that moral ambiguity and that knack for self-preservation he has. There is a moment where you genuinely think he has betrayed the Doctor to save his own neck, when he is actually just trying to give them both an advantage.

◆ Sound Design

Fancy joining Nyssa and Tegan on a shopping trip? How about a spacewalk? Richard Fox and Lauren Yason are some of my favourite composers for the audio adventures, and they do a fab job with the sound design here.

A comet wooshes past the TARDIS scanner. People go about their business at the heart of the Panenka colony, browsing the various shops and restaurants as announcements boom out of a loud-speaker. Alarms begin ringing around the shopping precinct as Nyssa, Tegan and Violet steal a bunch of spacesuits. I feel like I have compared a lot of aliens in this franchise to Nihilanth from the first Half-Life game, but the Jovians really do sound like him with their slow and breathy voices. Falcao’s shuttle lands in the midst of the Unstable Zone; electricity begins sparking before the shuttle comes crashing to the ground. Crackling bolts of lightning, as the Jovians begin electrocuting the colonists.

◆ Music

Fox and Yason are also handling the score for ‘The Jupiter Conjunction’. Some might argue that this duo’s music is a lot more understated than their peers (especially compared to the cinematic bombast we get from the likes of Carter) but I believe that it puts them at an advantage.

This score in particular gradually builds itself up, becoming more tense as the events in the story do. I also have to commend the overall quality of the instrumentation in this score, but Fox and Yason rarely fail to impress me.

◆ Conclusion

“It’s not even a proper court, it’s a shopping precinct!”

There really is nowhere to hide when you decide to write a more formulaic Doctor Who adventure, which means you’re going to have to work extra hard to make all those traditional elements pop. Many might accuse Eddie Robson of playing it safe with ‘The Jupiter Conjunction’, but his script is elevated beyond being just another sci-fi romp by the gorgeous post-production work and a stellar showing from our TARDIS team.

It’s not without fault though; Violet comes across as a really two-dimensional villain, who lacks the personality of someone like Major Haggard (from the previous adventure with this team). The Jovians sound absolutely fascinating but come across as just another “monster of the week”. ‘The Jupiter Conjunction’ is a fun little adventure – nothing more, nothing less.

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#159. The Emerald Tiger ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

India. One of the most vibrant and culturally diverse nations on the planet, with an absolutely massive population and many a scenic view. It also happens to have an incredibly intricate and interesting history, such as the mass displacement caused by the Partition of India, and the country as it was under the rule of the British Raj.

It was only a matter of time before a BigFinish writer would send the Doctor and his friends to such a fascinating nation, and who better than Barnaby Edwards to make it happen? I have really been looking forward to talking about this one.

Enough chit-chat, let us dive straight into my favourite adventure with the Fifth Doctor!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night

Calcutta, 1926. The Doctor and his companions join an expedition to locate the fabled emerald tiger – a legendary marvel shrouded in myth and mystery. They must journey to an unexplored lost world filled with wonder and wickedness.

But at the centre of this terra incognita, something is stirring. Something with emerald eyes, diamond-sharp claws and a heart of darkness.

◆ The Fifth Doctor

If you ever wanted to listen to a story where the writer understands the TARDIS team perfectly, and where everyone is delivering their absolute best, then look no further. Peter Davison goes above and beyond in ‘The Emerald Tiger’, and I genuinely don’t think he’ll ever beat his performance here. It’s just magnificent.

The Doctor thinks that shooting Kimball was entirely unnecessary, and he was just about to administer an antidote. He seems extremely excited to drive the Professor’s Rolls-Royce Silver Ghost, believing it to be a work of art. He believes himself to be an excellent driver (which is the biggest lie I’ve heard today). The Doctor blames himself for Tegan’s apparent death, and is saddened at the fact she seemingly died for nothing. He has a really heartfelt conversation with Lady Adela about how nobody can bury their past, because every decision we make, every thrill we experience, and every mistake we face make up who we are. If you lose the past then you lose yourself, and forgetting something doesn't stop it hurting, it just makes it worse.

◆ Tegan Jovanka

‘The Emerald Tiger’ is where Janet Fielding really hits her stride with the audio medium, and proves to us what a powerhouse companion she really is. I’m just blown away by her in this adventure.

Tegan claims to love cricket, and genuinely seems excited about the upcoming match. Dawon accurately describes her as a “screeching she-cat”.

◆ Vislor Turlough

‘The Emerald Tiger’ only serves to reassure me that Mark Strickson is one of my absolute favourite companion actors, and that BigFinish have a much better handle on his character than anybody JNT employed! Strickson does a smashing job with the material in this adventure.

Turlough has ditched his sombre school uniform for a three-piece suit (and I can only imagine how uncomfortable that will be in the humid climate of Calcutta). He believes that stubbornness is one of Australia’s greatest exports.

◆ “Older” Nyssa

‘The Emerald Tiger’ is a pretty pivotal release for the character of Nyssa, especially in the confines of this fifteen-part story arc, so I am glad to inform you all that Sarah Sutton delivers her absolute a-game here.

Nyssa finds the rules of cricket rather baffling. She ends up being bitten by a man who appears to have rabies, but the infection takes hold surprisingly quickly (the Doctor theorises that it could be down to her Trakenite metabolism). When she believes that Tegan has perished aboard the train, she just starts sobbing at the loss of her best friend, and it really broke my heart to hear. The Homogenite has rejuvenated Nyssa back to how she was on Terminus – Tegan thinks her husband will be delighted (as she’s just saved him a fortune in plastic surgery)!

◆ Story Recap

The Doctor has materialised the TARDIS in Calcutta on New Year’s Eve 1926, with the intention of taking his companions to the second unofficial test match between All India and Marylebone Cricket Club, though it’s not long before these plans are in tatters.

Nyssa is attacked by a man supposedly suffering from rabies, and the infection is developing extremely quickly, but is it something more than just hydrophobia? If that wasn’t enough to worry about, the TARDIS has been stolen by the widow of a zoologist… and her train appears to have been hijacked by a British officer-turned-thief!

All roads lead to the hidden valley located beyond the Karabar Caves, where an exceedingly rare alien crystal has blossomed into the mythical “Emerald Tiger”. It has special powers, a fact which Nyssa is being made painfully aware of.

◆ Beautiful India!

I think I’ve made it clear on many occasions that I absolutely adore any form of historical story, simply because they tend to be miles more interesting than a straight up science-fiction plot, and Barnaby Edwards seems to agree with me on that.

India is one of the most vibrant places on the planet, and somewhere I would love to go one day, but I am more than content with hearing this wonderful depiction for now. The set-pieces of steam trains heading through the Indian countryside, hunters using hot air balloons and the overall hustle and bustle of Calcutta… the detail in this script alone is just amazing. I know a lot of people are used to me complaining and whining in my reviews, but you’ve probably already guessed that I genuinely have nothing but praise for this adventure.

◆ Very Tiberium Coded

I’d like to move onto the MacGuffin of ‘The Emerald Tiger’, that being the green crystal you can see on the cover art. Homogenite was a very rare, almost mythical element forged in the heart of dying stars and ejected at the point of collapse. Anything it came into contact with would undergo a “metamorphic metamorphosis” and be turned to precious and semi-precious gemstones (something similar happened to Lord Alfred in the second ‘Lady Christina’ box set).

What makes Homogenite really interesting is that it actually has some rather unique medical applications, given that it can combine and reconstitute organic material at the molecular level – Terminus Inc. even tried to obtain some of the element at one point. It’s transformative, and almost like a magic-bullet for any condition… including ageing, it would seem.

This adventure concludes with Nyssa’s appearance (and possibly her age) both being reverted to the state they were in when she first departed the TARDIS. This is something that will come back to cause issues in a later story, so stay tuned listeners.

Hang on a minute… an extremely rare crystalline element with a green hue, one which has transformative properties and can rapidly spread. I know I mention this game franchise a lot, but isn’t this just Tiberium from the Command & Conquer series?

◆ Walking Colonialism & The Zoologist’s Widow

Another aspect where ‘The Emerald Tiger’ succeeds is with its characters. They are brought to life amazingly by Edwards’ terrific writing and direction, and an incredibly skilled cast.

Major Haggard (Neil Stacy) is a really great antagonist for this adventure, and best described by the Doctor as “a walking embodiment of everything that is going to bring down the British Raj”. He’s an arrogant colonialist who wholeheartedly believes he is right, and will happily put you in your place if you cross him. Right from the minute he kills a man who could’ve been saved from Homogenite influence, you just despise the character in the best way possible (he’s a perfect villain).

Then you have Dawon (Vineeta Rishi), who was once a normal human being, before falling under the influence of the Homogenite. It transformed her into a giant tigress armed with diamond claws and burning emerald eyes. The crystal also gave her a form of telepathy, and she very clearly grows close to Nyssa throughout this adventure.

The last character I want to mention is the aforementioned zoologist’s widow, Lady Adela Forster (Cherie Lunghi). Her husband was brutally mauled to death by a tiger during an expedition to the Karabar Caves, and her son was seemingly lost during the escape. She was the only person to get out alive, and she sealed the caves with dynamite. Eighteen years have passed, and she is intent on finishing the expedition her husband started. All the characters in this play are just brilliantly written and performed.

◆ Sound Design

From the bustling crowds of Calcutta, to the vibrant hidden valley beyond the Karabar Caves, this adventure features some of the most gorgeous sound design of any BigFinish release!

Energy pulses out of the titular Emerald Tiger gemstone. A wave of gunfire as the expeditionary party attempt to fend off a wild tiger, which soon begins tearing literal chunks out of Lord Forster. Bustling crowds congregate at a busy railway station in Calcutta, with steam locomotives chugging along in the background. Major Haggard fires his pistol, executing the rabid Kimball from twenty-paces away. Adela’s private train rumbles across the tracks… as Dawon, the fearsome tigress, growls away in the rear carriage! The train hits the barrier with some force at Karabar and goes flying off the cliff, down into the hidden valley below. Trickling water from the ceiling of the Karabar Caves. The hidden valley beyond the caves is a vibrant landscape; birds and insects chirping away in the verdant jungle. Fizzing dynamite explodes inside the caves, bringing wet rocks down around the Doctor, Turlough, Adela and Dawon. The Homogenite infection begins to transform Nyssa; her voice deepens, and her body begins creaking as it turns crystalline. Wolf servants of Khan bark as they attempt to hunt the Doctor… but he is saved by Tegan riding a giant trumpeting elephant!

◆ Music

Howard Carter is also handling the score for ‘The Emerald Tiger’, and it is absolutely beautiful. Infused with a great deal of Indian flavour, the music here sounds so wonderfully authentic to the story’s location.

◆ Conclusion

“Like Pilgrims to the appointed place we tend. The world’s a train and death the journey’s end…”

A mythical element forged in the heart of a dying star crash landed outside of Calcutta hundreds of thousands of years in the past, its impact crater forming an exotic valley beyond the Karabar Caves. Many have already succumbed to the molecular synthesis of Homogenite, with a local woman being transformed into a larger than average tigress with diamond claws and burning emerald eyes… and it appears that Nyssa is the next to feel the influence of this rare crystalline element.

‘The Emerald Tiger’ is genuinely my favourite Fifth Doctor adventure of all time, and this is coming from someone who has heard every story in this range at least twice. It’s unlike anything else BigFinish has ever put out, feeling more like a beautiful fusion of Jules Verne and The Jungle Book!

Howard Carter’s post-production work helps breathe so much life into a script that is positively dripping with detail, and the music is just a triumph. If that wasn’t enough to make you buy this release, the cast all deliver some of their best performances (Davison and crew really blew me away this time).

‘The Emerald Tiger’ is an immaculate experience from start to finish, and anybody wanting to write for this incarnation should take note of the exemplary job Barnaby Edwards has done here.

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#148. Rat Trap ~ 7/10

◆ An Introduction

Something I learnt the hard way is that people are the most evil things on planet Earth. We stomp over nature and all other creatures that we share the globe with, and the sad thing is that we probably always will.

Experimentation on animals is one of the worst crimes our species has ever committed, and continues to commit. Across the European Union, animal testing for cosmetics was only banned in 1998, but didn’t take full effect till 2013! That was just over ten years ago, and it genuinely horrifies me that some people think animal testing is alright.

But what happens when the animals being experimented on overpower the scientists in the laboratory? What happens when they become the lab-rats?

The answer is brutal revenge.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

1983: as the country goes to the polls, two ‘Urban Explorers’, together with a freelance journalist, break into the long-defunct Cadogan Tunnels, once a secret wartime facility… and later, so rumour has it, the site of an experimental laboratory with a nasty sideline in vivisection.

What they find, in its twisting underground corridors, is something the most cynical conspiracy theorist could never have imagined: a highly-evolved society of questing, intelligent creatures, living right under humanity’s nose for decades.

But there’s no way out of the tunnels – as the Doctor, Nyssa, Tegan and Turlough are about to discover when the TARDIS brings them, too, into the complex. It’s a rat trap – and they’ve all been caught!

◆ The Fifth Doctor

‘Rat Trap’ sees Peter Davison delivering another fun performance.

The Doctor is rather enthusiastic about his field trip to Cadogan Castle, slap-bang in the middle of the Age of Chivalry. He’s a doctor of this and that, of things that end in “ology”. He never takes death lightly.

◆ Tegan Jovanka

‘Rat Trap’ features another great performance from Janet Fielding.

Tegan saw a Ren Faire in Sydney once. They had jousting; two fat guys half drunk on larger, funniest thing she ever saw!

◆ Vislor Turlough

‘Rat Trap’ features a great performance from Mark Strickson, it’s just a shame that Turlough basically does nothing for the whole runtime.

◆ “Older” Nyssa

‘Rat Trap’ gives a lot of material to Sarah Sutton, and she does a pretty good job with it.

Nyssa thinks it’s time she went home. She needs to take the Richter’s cure with her because the vaccine from Helheim is failing; it’s been destabilising, and she’ll soon have nothing. She thinks that jousting sounds barbaric. Nyssa believes that everywhere she goes she seems to be looking at plague and corridors.

◆ Story Recap

The Cadogan Tunnels were once the beating heart of a secret wartime facility, before supposedly falling vacant. Now the Home Office have sent soldiers down them, to make sure that any secret government documents can be recovered before the tunnels are sold to English Heritage next month.

Meanwhile, two urban explorers and a journalist are also exploring the Cadogan Tunnels, after hearing that the site was actually still being used in the 1950s by scientists conducing amoral experiments on animals… experiments that appear to still be ongoing.

Genetically engineered rats wander the corridors; living in piles of their own droppings and filth, experimenting on the very scientists who created them. Led by the fearsome Rat King, they plan on releasing a deadly virus to wipe out the human race, as revenge for the constant experimentation over the years… and as it’s election day, who is going to notice an uprising of super-intelligent rats?

◆ Roland Rat Moment

‘Rat Trap’ seems to be one of the more forgotten audio adventures, despite the fact it has some excellent ideas written into it. I’ve already mentioned that I find the idea of animal experimentation absolutely abhorrent, but rats are easily some of the worst treated creatures on the planet.

My mam is always telling me how intelligent they are, so it’s understandable that they would want to get revenge on the human race for the way we have treat them.

◆ Rat Droppings

As much as I enjoy the general premise of this play, ‘Rat Trap’ is not without its glaring issues. The dialogue at times feels very forced and unnatural, like during the very first part when Caitlin, Kevin and Matthew all introduce themselves like they’re at a job interview! It honestly shattered the immersion like it was a pane of sugar glass for me.

Then there is the fact that, once the rats reveal their plans, the story basically turns into a rehash of the first Silurian story – a hidden society living under the ground, intense dislike for humanity, wants to wipe them out with a virus. The story just loses its originality, which is a damn shame, because this could have been brilliant as a claustrophobic psychological horror.

You could have had the rats carrying out various horrific experiments on the scientists, turning the story into a harsh lesson on why animal cruelty is wrong. I did enjoy this release, but I can’t deny that it positively reeks of missed opportunity.

◆ Sound Design

The echoing Cadogan Tunnels are certainly creepy, with genetically enhanced rats squeaking around nearly every corner. It’s a really polished bit of sound design from Andy Hardwick.

A rattling lock-pick, as Kevin and his associates break into the tunnels. The Rat King speaks with three echoing voices, all layered over one another (it’s incredibly reminiscent of Nihilanth’s voice from the first Half-Life game). A test tube shatters in the TARDIS laboratory. Electric lights fizzle on inside the tunnels. A scream echoes throughout the tunnels after the urban explorers find a dead soldier. An exploding grenade causes a cave in, with rubble crumbling from the tunnel ceiling. Rats scuttling away as they work on miniature computers, in a room filled with a pool of filth and excrement.

◆ Music

I absolutely adore getting to write this section of my reviews, because all the composers BigFinish employ have such different strengths. The first thing I think of when you mention Hardwick is honestly his masterful use of the violin, which he once more utilises in this score to build up the tense atmosphere of the Cadogan Tunnels.

◆ Conclusion

“One puff from this and you’ll be back to squeaking for cheese!”

It genuinely saddens me when I review a release like this one. It had all the potential to be an ultra horrifying psychological and body horror piece. Something that utterly condemned animal experimentation for the vile act it is, by having the rats turn the tables on the scientists that experimented on them.

Whilst the titular rats do experiment on their former captors in this adventure, it almost feels like an afterthought on Tony Lee’s part. ‘Rat Trap’ absolutely reeks of missed potential, and ultimately boils down to running around corridors with genetically engineered rats. I had fun with it, but probably wont remember much of it by this time next month.

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#147. Kiss of Death ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

Turlough has always been one of my favourite companions, but the writers never really knew what to do with him: it’s why he spent a huge chunk of his time being imprisoned. BigFinish have given us some amazing stories that showcase his time travelling with just the Doctor, and he gets so much to do (‘Singularity’ is the best story with Turlough by a long shot). But now it’s time for a story that most people consider to be mediocre, and I couldn’t disagree more.

The trap has been set, the bait has been laid… and Turlough’s past is about to catch up with him!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The TARDIS travellers take a break on the beach world of Vektris. Hot sun, cold drinks and all the time in the worlds. What could possibly go wrong?

A kidnapping, a spaceship heist and a desperate chase to a distant galaxy later, Turlough finds himself in a strange winter palace… along with a face from his past. The Doctor, Tegan and Nyssa, meanwhile, fight to escape its frozen catacombs, guarded over by a vast and deadly alien, The Morass.

But what connects Turlough to the ancient treasure hidden somewhere in the palace? And how far will he go to acquire it?

◆ The Fifth Doctor

Given what a complete dumpster fire the previous adventure was, I was over the moon to hear our regulars back on top form for ‘Kiss of Death’. Peter Davison does a brilliant job with this script.

The Doctor tries to make the Morass realise that he is not an invader, but a visitor from space. There was no bombardment, his ship crash landed by accident. He came to this planet to find his friend.

◆ Tegan Jovanka

‘Kiss of Death’ sees a return to form for Janet Fielding, who gets a sizeable portion of the action here.

Tegan thinks you sort of get used to the TARDIS humming in your ears. She thinks the idea of charging a line of Nyssa clones is crazy, and nearly ends up knocking out the real thing! She’s just as strong as Turlough, but a great deal louder, so is forced to hang back and sound the alarm if trouble comes their way. Tegan tells Deela that hiding away from the world just makes it that much harder to go back, and you do have to go back. Life goes on, you make what you can of it. When it stops being fun, make something else of it (very good advice, actually).

◆ Vislor Turlough

‘Kiss of Death’ features a brilliant performance from Mark Strickson, which is understandable, given that this story focuses so closely on his character.

Turlough is not interested in roasting himself in artificial sunlight. His jaw practically drops the minute he sees Deela, and it’s clearly quite the shock to be confronted with his childhood sweetheart after all this time. Nobody calls him “Vis” any more. He keeps his uniform from Brendon because it reminds him he’s an outsider, that he can’t be too close to anyone. Turlough has been trying to get home, fooling himself that he could be happy if he could only make it back, if he could belong. His world went to war with itself, and he was forced to participate in that war – his mother was killed, his father and brother were forced to run who knows where. He actually thinks he was the lucky one, as an exile on a backward planet. Turlough is rightfully horrified when he realises Deela has double-crossed him, realises that she is in fact engaged to Rennol! But when his former lover is shot in the chest, he becomes much more sombre and caring… knowing that she only has minutes left to live.

◆ “Older” Nyssa

‘Kiss of Death’ thankfully has Sarah Sutton deliver a great performance (after fading into the background in the last story).

Nyssa never imagined she’d hear the TARDIS again after she left. To see her face in the mirror in their room; Tegan looking just the same but her being much older. She feels just the same – back in the old situations, the fear, the wonder, the love of it – so she supposes some emotions don’t change with the years.

◆ Story Recap

The TARDIS crew have been basking in the baking hot artificial suns of Vektris, when there is a knock at the door of their rented villa. Turlough is shocked to see his childhood sweetheart standing before him, but Deela is nothing more than bait in an elaborate kidnapping scheme.

With the TARDIS currently in for repairs, the Doctor, Nyssa and Tegan steal a dead man’s spaceship in the hopes of pursuing their friend’s kidnappers.

The Winter Palace was once a holiday home for the disgustingly wealthy members of Trion, until the war came and it fell into a state of disrepair. Now the self-proclaimed business-man and entrepreneur, Rennol, is squatting there… and he knows that Turlough and Deela are the keys to unlocking its secrets!

◆ The Trion Civil War

‘Kiss of Death’ genuinely could have went either way for me, simply because I’ve had mixed opinions on Stephen Cole’s work before. I’m sure some of you will remember my review of his Dalek adventure, where I claimed that I’d rather be held prisoner by Somalian pirates than have to listen to it again! Thankfully, this turned out to be a really damn good release. I’ve already mentioned in the introduction to this review about how much I adore the character of Turlough, so any script which decides to delve into his complicated past will automatically garner my attention.

The Trion Civil War erupted some time during the 1970s, due to the disillusionment of the public with the ruling Imperial Clans and their regime, causing division. Turlough and his family belonged to one of the Imperial Clans, and he found himself forbidden from seeing his lover Deela, due to them being on opposing sides of the conflict. That’s not the only hardship our shifty TARDIS traveller had to endure though; his mother was killed during the war, whilst his father and brother were forced to run who knows where.

Rehctaht and his revolutionaries emerged as the victors of the Trion Civil War. In the wake of the conflict, all surviving Clansmen were exiled to Trion colonies, or in Turlough’s case, less developed planets such as Earth. With that bit of historical context in mind, it definitely helps me understand Turlough much more – and I can’t really blame him for accepting the Black Guardian’s offer. He had the opportunity to end his exile, return home and possibly be reunited with his surviving family members. It’s no wonder he was prepared to dispatch the Doctor to get back to the people he cared about, to get back home.

◆ The Cruellest Betrayal

‘Kiss of Death’ sees Turlough reunited with his lover, only to discover that she is acting on orders from her new fiancé. Rennol and Deela want to break into the vault beneath the Winter Palace because they think it will contain riches beyond their wildest dreams… and certainly enough money to pay for a fancy wedding.

Turlough has been used, again, but I think that this betrayal likely stings more than anything he went through whilst under the Black Guardian’s control. To have a former lover, a friend since childhood, basically stab him in the back… I’m honestly shocked he didn’t go ballistic!

◆ Sound Design

A run-down palace; a holiday home for the rich and bountiful of Trion… abandoned before the war, and now home to Rennol and his goons. I’ve got to say that Steve Foxon does a really good job with the sound design, with plenty of action set-pieces dotted about the story.

Loud chirping noises come from crickets in the warm night air of Vektris. A distorted voice, as someone communicates with Rennol via an encrypted transmission. Seagulls squawking at the beach, whilst revellers panic… as Hoss and Kanch fire into the crowd. The Vektris Spaceport goes into lockdown, alarms blaring. The mercenary’s spaceship takes off, its engines igniting, blasting into space with some force. Kanch fires what is essentially an RPG at the Doctor’s spacecraft, sending it hurtling towards the Winter Palace! The echoing voice of the Morass, deep in the catacombs beneath the palace. An army of gelatinous Nyssa clones begin attacking Tegan, Turlough and Deela in the catacombs, before the mercenaries try to dispatch the clones with energy weapons (it doesn’t work).

◆ Music

Steve Foxon is also handling the score for ‘Kiss of Death’. This is a relatively bare-bones piece of music, based on the small amount of instruments being used, but it is highly effective at building on the tense action of Cole’s script. The ever escalating violins are paired with a snare drum to create a frankly gorgeous score.

◆ Conclusion

“I never imagined the two of us would ever be alone together again…”

Turlough is reunited with his childhood sweetheart, only to find out that she has moved on. Now Deela and Rennol want to ransack one of the old Trion Winter Palaces, in the hopes of using its treasures to fund their expensive wedding!

‘Kiss of Death’ shines the spotlight on Turlough and his background, and I am truly grateful for that. The character development he is afforded in this story alone is more than what he ever got on screen.

Mark Strickson and Lucy Adams worked marvellously with each other too, and you could genuinely believe that Deela was Turlough’s long lost beloved… which just makes the ending all the more heart-breaking. Don’t let anyone tell you this story is filler. ‘Kiss of Death’ might just be my favourite script from Stephen Cole.

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#146. Heroes of Sontar ~ 0/10

◆ An Introduction

BigFinish tend to go down the “Steven Moffat” route when it comes to the great militaristic spuds, turning them into a comedic joke and pretty much ruining most of their adventures. Even the legendary John Dorney is guilty of doing this, because he managed to ruin what could have been a great psychological horror story by making “The Spud Light-year Brigade” into incompetent idiots (but I’ve already reviewed ‘Terror of the Sontarans’, so you’re welcome to read my thoughts on that massive missed opportunity).

There is one adventure that somehow manages to hit the bottom of the barrel and keep on going when it comes to the Sontarans, and I was shocked to see it had a somewhat decent score on TARDIS Guide (and a couple of defenders in the BigFinish Facebook group).

You’ve probably all seen my rating for this abhorrent excuse of a BigFinish play, so shall we cut to the chase and utterly rip into ‘Heroes of Sontar’?

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Planet Samur was once a peaceful haven. Pilgrims journeyed across the seven galaxies to meditate in the courtyards of the vast Citadel that spanned its equator. It was Samur’s misfortune, however, to find itself situated on the furthermost frontier in the eternal war between the amoeboid Rutan Host and the belligerent, troll-like Sontarans…

Twenty years after detonating a bacteriological weapon over Samur, rendering it uninhabitable, the Sontarans are back: a select platoon of seven has landed here on a secret mission, carrying sealed orders given to them by Fleet Marshal Stabb.

The TARDIS has landed here, too, bringing the Doctor, Tegan, Turlough and Nyssa into the second great Battle of Samur. Fighting not only the Sontarans but mystical mercenaries… and a deadly, decades-old curse.

◆ The Fifth Doctor

Peter Davison was brilliantly dynamic and captivating in the last adventure with this TARDIS team, so what in the name of Christ happened here? He sounds bored out of his mind in ‘Heroes of Sontar’.

The Doctor claims to have plenty of backbone (in this incarnation? Really?)

◆ Tegan Jovanka

‘Heroes of Sontar’ features the worst showing yet from Janet Fielding, and it really saddens me to say that (given we’ve just had three really solid performances in a row from her).

Tegan is over the moon at the thought of being able to wear shoes.

◆ Vislor Turlough

Of all the regulars in ‘Heroes of Sontar’, Mark Strickson probably delivers the best performance. That isn’t really saying much when everyone else is phoning it in though, is it?

Turlough spends the majority of the adventure bullying a cowardly Sontaran.

◆ “Older” Nyssa

Was Sarah Sutton actually in ‘Heroes of Sontar’? She managed to make absolutely zero impact on me in this adventure.

Nyssa gets infected with some toxic mould whilst on Samur.

◆ Alan Barnes Decimates the Sontaran’s Reputation

I’d normally kick off this section of the review by diving a bit deeper into the story, but why should I put more effort into ‘Heroes of Sontar’ than its own writer did? All you need to know is that this is meant to be a pastiche of Dad’s Army, which makes me all the more angry at how it turned out.

Said show is one of the great British classic comedy shows, which is why episodes are constantly getting reruns on Dave. I absolutely adore watching it whenever I get the chance, with Lance Corporal Jones (Clive Dunn) being the absolute highlight; this fastidious worrier who is constantly panicking like a headless chicken.

The key difference between Dad’s Army and this script is that the characters in the former all had really fun and vibrant personalities. Sontarans are a clone race, so personality is already pretty non-existent, but I could barely remember a single thing that made this battalion of spuds stand out from those that have come before and after them. Well, except that they were really badly acted – as much as people give Dan Starkey a lot of flack because of Strax, he actually does a marvellous job portraying the Sontarans on the whole… and his absence here is really felt.

I’m honestly so sick of the Sontarans being treat like second-rate villains by all corners of the franchise nowadays, with only a few exceptions that I’ll list below:

- ‘The Sontarans’ by Simon Guerrier

- ‘The King of Sontar’ by John Dorney

- ‘The First Sontarans’ by Andrew Smith

- ‘The Eternal Battle’ by Cavan Scott and Mark Wright

These four scripts have proven to me that BigFinish do have what it takes to do something good with the Sontarans. I politely ask that they stop writing stories for them, unless they make a conscious effort to give these villains the respect that they deserve. The Sontarans are meant to be the greatest warlords in the galaxy, not extras from a shoddy SNL skit!

◆ Sound Design

I actually think I’ve developed the ability to taste sound-waves, because I’m getting a really overpowering flavour of mediocrity from Robertson’s sound design here. I genuinely don’t have anything else to say, except that I’m so happy this review is nearly at an end!

Chanting, marching Sontarans at their military academy. A Sontaran spaceship comes crashing down onto the surface of Samur. The breathy voices of the Witch Guards.

◆ Music

Jamie Robertson is also handling the score for ‘Heroes of Sontar’. This is your bog-standard military fan-fare music, filled with bombast and bravado, and not much else.

I’m sure some of my regular readers will be expecting me to make some sort of reference to the music of Command and Conquer, but I’m not going to insult a franchise I respect so dearly. Robertson’s score does remind me of another RTS game I played when I was younger called Act of War: Direct Action. Much like the music in this adventure, it was bland, boring, utterly predictable, and a complete waste of my time.

◆ Conclusion

“I shall have to Sontaran up!”

‘Heroes of Sontar’ isn’t an audio adventure, it’s congealed failure. It’s a jug of liquidised horse manure that has been left to marinade inside a greenhouse, during a heatwave, in the middle of the Sahara Desert.

BigFinish have always had an issue with the Sontarans, tending to go down the “Steven Moffat” route and making them comedic, but this represents the cherry sitting proudly atop a mouldy and rotting cake.

It’s very rare for me to have literally nothing positive to say about a release, but it’s times like this I wish TARDIS Guide had the option to rate a story a zero-out-of-ten. Don’t bother wasting your money on this release… unless you’ve got an orbital sander at home to destroy the CD once you realise how dreadful it is.

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#138. The Cradle of the Snake ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

I think it would be fair to say that Tegan is a bit of a Marmite character, with many vehemently hating her and others adoring her. I definitely fall into the latter category, because I think the best companions have wit and sarcasm running through their veins (which is why I also enjoy the likes of Klein, Flip and Bill).

It should come as no surprise then that I was a massive fan of the Mara adventures. They gave our favourite Aussie some amazing character development, allowed Janet Fielding to deliver two remarkable performances, and introduced us to one of the most interesting enemies in the franchise’s history.

It’s now time to conclude the first trilogy in this story arc… and the Mara is back with a vengeance. Part Three; the remix!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

"The Mara is in all of us, deep in our minds. In our darkest thoughts, that’s where it started. Some people call it a demon, but that’s too simple. It’s about temptation."

Tegan's nightmares have returned. Seeking to banish the snake-like Mara from his companion's psyche, the Doctor sets course for Manussa, the creature's point of origin. But the TARDIS arrives instead in the heyday of the Manussan Empire, where infotainment impresario Rick ausGarten is preparing to turn dreams into reality.

The sun is setting on the Manussan Empire… and it's all the Doctor's fault.

◆ The Fifth Doctor

Peter Davison gets some utterly excellent material in ‘The Cradle of the Snake’, allowing him to switch between the usual niceness of his incarnation and a more nasty Mara-possessed variant. His performance here is really great.

The Doctor has so many friends that he only ever meets once. Listen to the play acting he does when possessed by the Mara, listen to how callous and cruel he becomes. Rick ausGarten believes that the Doctor would be a natural television presenter, and even offers him a job. Meanwhile, Yoanna thinks he could be a great counsellor, claiming that he is such a good listener (something his companions aren’t so sure of).

◆ Tegan Jovanka

‘The Cradle of the Snake’ is the conclusion to the Mara Trilogy, so it rightfully puts Janet Fielding centre stage. Her performance here is absolutely magnificent.

Tegan has been having dreams of the Mara again, and she’s clearly rattled by them. She appreciates the Doctor’s help, even if she comes across as spiky and moaning.

◆ Vislor Turlough

‘The Cradle of the Snake’ sees Mark Strickson back on top form, after a shaky performance in the last adventure.

Turlough has put temptation behind him, after what went on with the Black Guardian. Given that he is always nervous and on edge, his fellow companions are suspicious that the Mara has possessed him! Everybody is too nice on Manussa, and it’s making him uncomfortable. There were always snakes around where Turlough grew up, so he masterfully helps Tegan get well away from one using her jacket. Locked inside a police cell, the Mara-possessed Doctor tries to infect him with the mark of the snake (and he is understandably terrified)!

◆ “Older” Nyssa

‘The Cradle of the Snake’ offers up some excellent material for Sarah Sutton who, much like Davison, gets to switch between the usual niceness of her character and a more arrogant Mara-possessed side.

Nyssa was on Manussa the last time they dealt with the Mara, and claims to know what her friend is going through. The goodness on her own world was robust, but it feels like the people on Manussa are trying too hard. The Mara-possessed Nyssa is actually quite frightening; exceedingly vain and arrogant, drinking alcohol and being generally quite snobby.

◆ Story Recap

Having fallen under the influence of the Mara for a third time, the Doctor enters into his companion’s psyche in the hopes of forcing it out. Whilst he believes he is successful, a second opinion wouldn’t go amiss, which means it’s time for the TARDIS to return to the planet Manussa… but something isn’t quite right.

Rick ausGarten believes he can use the famed blue crystals to turn dreams into reality, which makes him the perfect person to create the physical manifestation of the Mara… a whole century before the Sumaran Empire would come to dominate this planet.

The Mara has most definitely left Tegan’s mind, but only because the Doctor is now its host!

◆ Indulgent Chaos

‘The Cradle of the Snake’ is a story that people rarely talk about, despite the fact it brings back one of the greatest villains from the Fifth Doctor’s televised tenure. The Mara was a spirit of chaos that delighted in the pain and madness of others, tempting individuals into letting it control them to create utter carnage wherever it went. It lived inside the deepest and darkest thoughts of most beings, just waiting for an opportunity to manifest itself.

Now imagine a creature with that much power being in control of the Doctor. That is an absolutely tremendous idea, especially when it involves arguably the most polite and civil incarnation. I’ve already sang Davison’s praise earlier in the review, but it’s genuinely so captivating to hear him turn on a sixpence between pleasant and evil. It isn’t just him though, as the Mara also manages to possess Nyssa in the latter stages of the play, who becomes a lot more arrogant and playful.

This is an idea that works so well simply because of what I believe the Mara is meant to represent – the chaotic sides of our personality, the things we hold back because of common sense and just knowing the difference between right and wrong. To hear two of our main characters acting so differently is actually quite frightening.

◆ Continuity Corner

‘The Cradle of the Snake’ is the final instalment of the Mara Trilogy, so it understandably features a lot of great references to the previous adventures. The TARDIS has returned to Manussa, though over a thousand years before the events of ‘Snakedance’. Tegan and Turlough free the Doctor from possession using a circle of television cameras and screens (similar to the circle of mirrors used on Deva Loka in ‘Kinda’). These little nods to the Mara’s previous appearances are really nice additions.

◆ Sound Design

The TARDIS has returned to Manussa, just over a thousand years before its previous visit. Palm trees and fountains surround a cityscape inspired by South Asian architecture, with Tuk-Tuk taxis ferrying people around a great metropolis. This is a period when the Manussan Empire was thriving, long before the Mara’s reign of terror. Andy Hardwick has really done a brilliant job with the sound design!

The rumbling of a single engine Cessna Skyhawk, as the Doctor confronts the Mara inside of Tegan’s mind. Baaing sheep, with the voices of Nyssa and Turlough. Tweeting birds inside of ausGarten’s warehouse. Tuk-Tuk taxis race through the bustling streets of Manussa. The hissing of a snake. The physical manifestation of the Mara bursts out of the dream-maker, shattering glass around it and letting out a great roar! Crowds of Manussan people chanting for the Mara… before going silent as they pass on the mark of the snake.

◆ Music

Andy Hardwick is also handling the score for ‘The Cradle of the Snake’, and it is hauntingly beautiful. The voice of a chanting female snake-charmer gives way to some spectacular choral vocals, mixed with dramatic string instruments, as the Mara attempts to manifest itself. Then you have the quieter sections of the score which feature this gorgeous twinkling piano. I’m also a particular fan of the electronic piece that is used as the theme tune to Rick ausGarten’s TV show (with lots of rapid synthesised notes).

I definitely advise listening to the isolated score on the CD extras, because it is easily some of Andy Hardwick’s best work.

◆ Conclusion

“The Mara’s withdrawn into Tegan’s psyche, and it wants me to go in after it…”

The Mara is back with a vengeance, and now it wants to upset the Web of Time by bringing about its Sumaran Empire a hundred years earlier than planned! If that wasn’t worrying enough, the snake has took control of a new host… the Doctor.

Marc Platt really had his work cut out for him with ‘The Cradle of the Snake’, since he had to create a follow-up to two of the greatest stories from the Davison era. Thankfully, he more than succeeds.

The Mara is supposed to dwell inside us all, deep in our darkest thoughts, so it makes sense to have it possess the nicest incarnation of the Doctor. It is such a great idea, and the performances only assist in elevating it. Peter Davison genuinely stole the show for me this time round, and he actually made for a really convincing villain. ‘The Cradle of the Snake’ is a great conclusion to what is now the Mara Trilogy.

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#137. The Whispering Forest ~ 7/10

◆ An Introduction

Civilisations can spring up in even the most unusual of circumstances, the terminology of their surroundings becoming corrupted – two warring tribes, Business and Economy, living inside a long abandoned spaceport. A planet stricken by natural disaster, whose people worship the clone families of the giant orbiting warehouse.

We’ve accompanied the Doctor and his friends to many of these odd societies, but now it’s time to visit another. Scrub your hands with the carbolic soap provided, and hold tight to purity.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The TARDIS arrives in alien woodlands, where a small group of humans hold tight against the menace of the Takers – strange creatures who come by night to spirit away members of their settlement.

But if there’s one thing that the inhabitants of Purity Bay fear more than the Takers, it’s the dirt and disease spread by strangers. Strangers like the Doctor, Tegan, Turlough and Nyssa…

The fanatical Sister Mertil and her hygiene-obsessed acolytes are victims of a terrible corruption – but not in the way they think. Only the whispering forest knows the truth…

◆ The Fifth Doctor

Peter Davison delivers a pretty good performance in ‘The Whispering Forest’.

The Doctor suggested to the TARDIS that she have a little listen in on the mutterings of the universe, asked her to prick up her metaphorical ears at any mention of Richter’s Syndrome. Seksa claims that “Doctor” is an ancient name for power.

◆ Tegan Jovanka

Janet Fielding spends most of ‘The Whispering Forest’ alongside Davison, and I really enjoyed her performance here.

Tegan threatens to start coughing over the inhabitants of Purity Bay to stop the Doctor getting electrocuted! At the end of the story, she claims to be suffering from headaches… and it soon appears that the Mara is returning!

◆ Vislor Turlough

Mark Strickson’s performance in ‘The Whispering Forest’ was weird. It was by no means awful, it just felt like he wasn’t really trying. Turlough doesn’t get much to do here, except getting struck with a spear during the first part.

◆ “Older” Nyssa

‘The Whispering Forest’ is the second adventure in this story arc, and I genuinely thought Sarah Sutton’s character would be put front and centre (given the medical themes) but she gets lumbered with Turlough and the lacklustre b-plot. Sutton’s performance also feels a little wooden here too.

Nyssa is horrified by the truth of the Shades, that they are shapeless chimera trapped in immense pain.

◆ Story Recap

The TARDIS team land on Chodor, a planet largely overlooked by travellers due to its complete lack of strategic and mineral importance, only to come across an incredibly germophobic society.

The inhabitants of Purity Bay completely lack hair, their skin is red raw and the consistency of leather, all thanks to a lifetime of scrubbing themselves with carbolic soap. They believe that they should hold tight to purity, that “Sir John” will watch over them… but they believe themselves to be in terrible danger.

Members of the settlement are being spirited away by the mysterious Takers, including the Bay’s leader. A search party has been sent to find him, but tension is growing between his wife and daughter (both of whom are vying for control of their people). While the Doctor and Tegan get to know the people of this society, Nyssa and Turlough discover the true nature of the Takers.

◆ Germophobia

‘The Whispering Forest’ follows a story formula that I absolutely adore, one where a society surrounded by modern amenities has devolved and taken names relating to their surroundings and history. BigFinish would tackle this kind of adventure a few times, and I alluded to some of the other scenarios in the introduction to this review.

Steve Cole decides to build his devolved society around medicine, with the technology and terminology originating from a hospital ship that crash landed on Chodor in the distant past. For example; the people of Purity Bay believe that “Doctor” and “Sir John” are names of power, the latter being an obvious corruption of the word surgeon.

I think the setting of this adventure has become a lot more poignant in recent years, given the fact we’re all still reeling from the Coronavirus Pandemic. The idea of society constantly scrubbing their hands at every given opportunity might have seemed like overkill when this was released, but that sort of became a fact of life in 2020. It’s also why when Tegan threatens to cough on the inhabitants, it shocked me a little bit.

I can actually sympathise with the people of Purity Bay myself, as even before the pandemic I was massively germophobic (the amount of hand sanitiser I go through in a month is actually ridiculous, and it’s also why public toilets are the bane of my existence).

In many ways, you could actually compare this story to ‘The Curse of the Black Spot’, because the Takers serve a similar purpose to the siren from that story. They were the medical robots aboard the hospital ship, and have only been taking people who are severely ill or on their death bed. The ship may have crash landed, but it didn’t prevent them from obeying their programming. If you want to hear a perfect execution of this story formula – which I personally like to call ‘The Face of Evil’ formula – then I highly recommend giving ‘Spaceport Fear’ a listen.

◆ Sound Design

With a title like that for a story, I really expected a lot from the sound design. Fox and Yason certainly do a good job at creating a nice forest, but the audio landscape does feel a little bit bare.

Echoing voices inhabit the forest. Twigs cracking underfoot, as Mertil and Seska search for the leader of Purity Bay amongst the trees. A night breeze drifts lightly through the air. Splashing water, as Turlough and Nyssa swim across the filthy river. Spears woosh through the air. The Doctor gets repeatedly shocked with a sparking defibrillator unit.

◆ Music

Fox and Yason are also handling the score for ‘The Whispering Forest’. The action of this adventure is accompanied by beautiful twinkling piano music, for the most part, and it honestly helps add a sense of mystery to Purity Bay.

◆ Conclusion

“Hold tight to purity!”

The TARDIS team encounter a germophobic society who are living in fear of the constant threat of disease… and of being spirited away by the robotic Takers.

‘The Whispering Forest’ is another of those stories which focuses on a society that has devolved, their terminology based upon corrupted words from their old lives. If you’re familiar with my reviews, then you will know I have a real soft spot for these kind of adventures.

The medically obsessed society of Purity Bay is really interesting, and takes on a new level of poignancy when you consider what we’ve all been through in the past few years. I was incredibly shocked to see so many low-scoring reviews for this one, though I will admit that the performances did let it down a little bit (with Strickson and Sutton both really phoning it in). ‘The Whispering Forest’ is nothing outstanding, but it is a fun story to spend two hours with.

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#136. Cobwebs ~ 9/10

◆ An Introduction

Nyssa has always been one of the most underrated companions in the history of the franchise, simply because she didn’t do a whole lot when she was on our screens. In comes BigFinish to give her more development than any other Fifth Doctor companion… but now they’re about to fix the worst aspect of her character: that abysmal departure.

Stephen Gallagher, a hack who convinced himself that he was some sort of visionary after creating a two hour long adventure set in blank nothingness, was responsible for the unceremonious end to Nyssa’s televised adventures. Over the next fifteen adventures, we’re gonna hear her flourish on audio all over again, and it all begins on a planet called Helheim…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

“You know what cobwebs mean. Spiders…”

In search of a cure for a sickness that’s so far claimed six billion lives, scientist Nyssa arrives at an abandoned gene-tech facility on the toxic planet Helheim. ‘Hellhole’, more like.

Nyssa’s not alone. The TARDIS has also been drawn to the Helheim base – and in its cobweb-coated corridors, she soon runs into the Doctor, Tegan and Turlough, her travelling companions of half a century past. But who, or what, has engineered this strange reunion? The Black Guardian, perhaps?

The answer’s here, in the dark. With the Cractids. In the cobwebs.

◆ The Fifth Doctor

Peter Davison delivers a magnificent performance in ‘Cobwebs’, kicking this story arc off in style.

The Doctor never fails to be astounded by Tegan’s capacity to complain. The number of times he’s heard the threat of being shot, it’s almost as if the universe has its own catchphrase!

◆ Tegan Jovanka

‘Cobwebs’ was only the second audio adventure Janet Fielding was a part of, but you’d genuinely believe she had been doing them for years. She delivers an excellent and confident performance here.

Tegan really isn’t comfortable with the idea of Turlough staying aboard the TARDIS, especially since he tried to kill her and the Doctor. It’s no excuse to say that he’d never met any of them when he entered into a contract with the Black Guardian, because if anything, that’s worse – it shows he was prepared to murder somebody he didn’t even know! Turlough had the opportunity time and time again to kill them, but he didn’t, which leads to her believing he is incompetent. As her Aunt Vanessa used to say, “once a wrong’un, always a wrong’un”. Tegan thinks the TARDIS console room should be fitted with safety belts. She claims to never forget a disembodied voice. She is utterly traumatised when she sees the skeletons, and wants nothing more than to run away (which is the most normal reaction of any of the TARDIS crew).

◆ Vislor Turlough

‘Cobwebs’ might be the first time I’ve actually gotten to talk about Mark Strickson in one of my reviews. Given that this is set very early into his time aboard the TARDIS, Jonny Morris gets to explore the mystery of having a potentially murderous and morally dubious companion along for the ride. Strickson’s performance is really good here.

Turlough has already apologised, and will say it a thousand times if it helps, but he wouldn’t expect Tegan to believe him. According to the gobby Aussie, he’s on probation!

◆ “Older” Nyssa

‘Cobwebs’ is a really interesting story because it sees the character of Nyssa returning to the TARDIS after fifty years, and Sarah Sutton does an excellent job at making this ever-faithful companion seem a lot more confident and driven. It’s a brilliant performance!

Nyssa has never known a robot more easily terrified than Loki (who even corrupted his own back-up server at the sight of his own shadow). She always knew the Doctor would come back one day, but that she shouldn’t hold her breath waiting. She’s tempted to start travelling again, but she is needed to cure Richter’s Syndrome (though knowing what the TARDIS is like, it might be some time before she gets back home).

◆ Story Recap

The TARDIS has been dragged through a temporal spiral and forced to materialise on a barren and toxic world. Helheim once housed a Genetech research facility, where the human staff conducted studies on how to cure an extremely deadly disease known as Richter’s Syndrome, which had claimed over six billion lives. Of particular interest was the native Cractids, as they were the only species in the galaxy who demonstrated some form of natural immunity to the virus. That was forty years ago.

As of 3530, the research facility sits abandoned and covered in cobwebs… until the Doctor’s former companion Nyssa, some five decades older, comes in search for the cure for Richter’s. Reunited, the TARDIS team soon discover the base’s schizophrenic and suicidal computer, who believes that they were all present forty years ago… and the discovery of four skeletons wearing the same outfits would seem to prove this.

Seemingly trapped as prisoners of fate in a bootstrap paradox, the Doctor, Tegan, Turlough and Nyssa must somehow prevent their deaths, whilst also obtaining Genetech’s vaccine for Richter’s.

◆ The Last Trakenite

‘Cobwebs’ seems to have been largely forgotten in recent years, despite how well written it is. I remember listening to an interview with Jonathan Morris where he talked about how the Fifth Doctor was his favourite incarnation, and that is evident from his excellent characterisation of all the regulars (and it should surprise nobody that he has written three of the most crucial adventures to the “Older Nyssa” story arc).

Given how much development BigFinish have given to Nyssa over the years, I think it was only right that they should create this story arc. We not only get to hear how much she has grown since leaving the TARDIS, but it will also give the writers an opportunity to give her a proper send-off down the road (the way she left in ‘Terminus’ was pretty bland, but that’s to be expected from a dreadful hack of a writer like Stephen Gallagher). For those of you that never watched Nyssa’s final televised story, she departed the TARDIS to help cure a deadly plague known as Lazar’s Disease.

What I love about ‘Cobwebs’ is that she is still fighting the good fight; putting her incredible talent as a scientist to use, to cure yet another dangerous pathogen… though it’s fair to say that this contagion has been a lot more devastating. Her desire to cure Richter’s Syndrome is going to be a plot point that runs throughout nearly the entire story arc, right up until ‘Prisoners of Fate’.

◆ Survival Horror

One of the things I absolutely adore about ‘Cobwebs’ is the location, and the atmosphere it conjures up. Helheim is a hostile and barren rock, floating on the eastern edge of the galaxy. The Genetech research facility is full of dingy and cramped prefabricated corridors, and a base computer that ends up going schizophrenic after having a future copy of his mind uploaded into himself!

Because the atmosphere of this adventure is so strong and so rich, it honestly makes me think of some of the best survival horror games of the past ten-or-so years – titles like Alien: Isolation, which will make you cack your pants with the force of a shotgun blast, because a Xenomorph just popped out of an air vent to bite your face off! You could even compare this adventure to something like the first Dead Space game, with the savage Cractids taking on the role of Necromorphs. The atmosphere is really something to be commended in this release, and it’s only made better by the stellar post-production work.

◆ Sound Design

The Genetech facility on Helheim is brought to life superbly, with lots of gloomy corridors, cobwebs, robotic spiders and giant savage crustaceans! Steve Foxon is always a safe pair of hands when it comes to post-production, but I think his handling of this story’s sound design is simply excellent.

Nyssa’s shuttle whooshes out of hyperspace. Tegan plays classical music in her room on the TARDIS. The TARDIS starts shuddering as it gets dragged through a temporal spiral, down towards the surface of Helheim. The creaking of Loki’s hydraulic legs. Auxiliary power comes back online in the Genetech facility; electric lights buzzing in the corridors. Nyssa experiences a memory projection, with scuttling and shrieking Cractids crawling all over her body! The buzzing of a maintenance spider. The voice of EDGAR is wonderfully deep and monotone. Alarms blare inside of the research facility, as the self-destruct sequence is initiated. Bragg fires his energy weapon at members of the Company. EDGAR begins glitching out as his schizophrenia takes hold (turning him into SHODAN from the System Shock games). A depressurising airlock.

◆ Music

Steve Foxon is also handling the score for ‘Cobwebs’, and it happens to be one of the finest things he has ever composed. Electronic and ominous, with an excellent punchy beat to match, the music only serves to elevate what is already a brilliantly atmospheric adventure.

If you want a teaser of the excellent music, then a cut-down version is freely available to listen to on Foxon’s SoundCloud. Highly recommend doing so.

https://soundcloud.com/stevefoxon/18-cobwebs-music-suite-2010

◆ Conclusion

“It seems the future has a habit of happening whether we like it or not!”

The TARDIS team are reunited with Nyssa, only to come across their own skeletons in the medical bay of Helheim Base. Now they have to try and avert their own deaths, whilst also retrieving the vaccine for a disease that has infected over six billion people! The stakes don’t get much higher than that.

‘Cobwebs’ is a sadly forgotten atmospheric horror piece, with some excellent characterisation and performances from all involved. It also happens to be the first in the brilliant “Older Nyssa” storyline.

The greatest aspect of this release has got to be Steve Foxon’s post-production work. The sound design really helps to build a picture of the forgotten research facility in your mind. The music is simply exquisite when it comes to ramping up the action… as the savage Cractids go wild!

I genuinely think that you could call this story “Doctor Who does Dead Space”, and it’s yet another excellent script from Jonny Morris.

Doctor Who – The Fifth Doctor Adventures: In the Night

#4.01. Pursuit of the Nightjar ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

A couple days ago, I started a discussion about this range on Twitter, and one story has been consistently hyped up as the best thing since sliced bread! Tim Foley has been on something of a roll recently – following his excellent Cyberman outing for the Eighth Doctor and Audacity – so my expectations were high going into this one.

Time to see what all the fuss is about, as we tackle ‘Pursuit of the Nightjar’!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The story of the Nightjar has been told for many years. A spaceship helmed by the legendary Captain Goben on a vital mission of mercy, delivering medical supplies to a distant colony in the middle of devastating war, an act of bravery that triggers the end of the conflict.

At her heels throughout the journey, her pursuer, the spaceship Nemesis, helmed by the dogged Captain Eslo, never quite able to catch her target. The Doctor has always wanted to witness these historic events. And now, alongside Nyssa and Tegan, he's got his chance.

But history might just have other ideas.

◆ The Fifth Doctor

Have we ever witnessed this incarnation squealing like a fan-boy before? His reaction to being aboard the Nightjar is one of pure glee: he heard about its legendary voyage during one of his first trips after leaving home, and he’s dreamed of witnessing this historic event ever since. Hearing him speak of Captain Goben with such reverence, while recounting his tale to his companions, is genuinely one of the most adorable images I can think of. Tim Foley might be onto another winner with this script, because he’s gifted the Fifth Doctor some stunning material!

‘Pursuit of the Nightjar’ has been a real show of force for Davison. You can hear the excitement and awe he channels into his performance: he could genuinely convince you that Goben was one of HIS personal heroes!

He never has bad thoughts, not with Tegan around. The Doctor recounts the tale of the Nightjar with breathless enthusiasm: he has always wanted to sneak a peak at these events. This was actually the first story he ever heard after leaving Gallifrey; maybe the third or fourth place they visited, a bazaar in the Garazone system. There was a teller who had a crowd enraptured with the Pursuit of the Nightjar! As he stood there, he realised just how many stories there were in the galaxy; tales of hope and triumph, though the ending of this tale would be bittersweet. The Doctor knows the Nightjar’s systems like the back of his hand. He’s not sure there is anything they can do this time, mind you, he’s not sure of anything anymore; the story of the Nightjar, it definitely didn’t go like this. He doesn’t mean to sound so defeated. This ship, it really meant a lot to him once. The Doctor was quite the collector back then, the console room used to be full of all sorts of things; chairs, clocks, antiques, far too much stuff. That day he heard the story of the Nightjar, Susan bought him a model of it, in the bazaar. A fine piece of work: the kind of thing that sits on an admiral’s desk, it still lives in the library. This model became something of a mission statement: it was everything he needed the TARDIS to be; an old ship repurposed from scrap against all odds, seeing the universe, doing some good! Maybe the Doctor instinctively knew never to visit the Nightjar, because if you build something up, it’ll all come crashing down eventually.

◆ Nyssa

One member of the main cast was always going to be pushed to the background, and Nyssa drew the short straw. That being said, she still received some excellent bits of character development: part three sees her discussing her parents back on Traken, and how they both got lost within their work. She can understand the grief Captain Goben’s family will feel once they realise he is long gone.

Sarah Sutton delivered an excellent performance for ‘Pursuit of the Nightjar’.

Astral engineering isn’t exactly her strong point. Nyssa has sat with death before: on Traken, they had what’s known as the Long Night, where they stayed with the departed till dawn.

◆ Tegan Jovanka

Our favourite mouth on legs gave a nickname to one of the Nightjar’s levitating vidicons, and a wonderful friendship was born! Tegan and Alfie make for an interesting team… which made it all the more upsetting when the latter was seemingly disposed of: genuinely would’ve been amazing to have him join the TARDIS as a new companion, in the same vein as K9. She also deserves kudos for bringing the Doctor back to his senses when he believed that all was lost. Quite the accomplishment for such an irrational cynic!

‘Pursuit of the Nightjar’ is one of the best outings I’ve heard all year, which makes me all the happier that Janet Fielding delivered her a-game; will definitely be getting this one signed when I meet her at EM Con!

You know when you try something a couple of times, like seafood or jazz, and then you know for sure that you don’t like it? Well Tegan doesn’t like spaceships, especially if she’s wearing a space-pack: she just can’t breathe in those things. Spaceships, space-packs; maybes she just doesn’t like things with space in the name. Her expectations are always managed around the Doctor. She knew a pilot once who called the trolley a “mobile refreshment unit”; she should introduce the Doctor to them! Tegan reckons there are boys and girls across the galaxy who have toys of their own: little blue boxes. And those little blue boxes, those rackety old things, they’re nothing without a hero of their own! Who cares what future history says? She just wants the Doctor to think of something brilliant, right now, for the present. Tegan ends up floating through space on her own… but finds herself reunited with Alfie, and I genuinely burst into tears at that point!

◆ Never Meet Your Heroes

That saying always comes into my head when I’m going to conventions, but luckily all the performers I’ve encountered have been genuinely wonderful. This adventure sees the Doctor meeting one of his heroes: Captain Goben, who piloted the legendary Nightjar through some of the most hostile places in the cosmos, in hopes of delivering medicine and aid packages to a planet displaced by war. The Doctor knows the tale of the Nightjar like the back of his hand, so he’s understandably shaken when the good captain drops down dead… leaving him to stop the spaceship falling apart!

What follows is an emotional roller-coaster for the Doctor: he genuinely thinks he can deliver the aid packages himself and keep the legend intact, but that’s more than a little difficult when Captain Eslo is pursuing in her own spaceship: the equally legendary Nemesis! There comes a moment, pretty late in the game, where the Doctor is totally defeated; all he wanted was to keep the legend intact, but now the Nightjar has been wrecked beyond repair. This incarnation has always been such an optimist, so you really know the wheels have fallen off if even he’s been broken!

◆ Sound Design

The Nightjar is travelling through one of the most beautifully hostile regions in the cosmos – dodging astral knots, like pockets of quicksand in space – and its long voyage is nearly over. Unfortunately, things are about to go pear-shaped for Captain Goben… as he drops down dead, and his spaceship starts falling apart! Howard Carter has earned a reputation for creating some stunning cinematic soundscapes, so he was absolutely the right choice for this story.

Crackling subspace transmissions between Eslo and Goben, as hunter and hunted get to know each other. A levitating vidicon – which resembles a giant metal bird – flutters past the Doctor and his friends, bleeping away. A synthesised horn echoes throughout the Nightjar, signalling an incoming communication from the Nemesis. Systems all over the Nightjar begin to fry; sparking electronics right across the ship, as the anomalies cause chaos. As the hull of the Nightjar starts disintegrating, creaking metal can be heard in the background. Tegan holds on to Alfie for dear life, as the two fly through space like a human comet!

◆ Music

If you ever needed proof that you could create a cinematic score using primarily synthesisers, then here it is! Throughout the runtime, I kept thinking of how much the music reminded me of the Metroid games.

◆ Conclusion

“This isn’t future history: this isn’t how it happened!”

The Doctor is given the opportunity to meet one of his heroes: Captain Goben, who piloted the legendary Nightjar through some of the most hostile places in the cosmos, in hopes of delivering medicine and aid packages to a planet displaced by war. The Doctor knows the tale of the Nightjar like the back of his hand, so he’s understandably shaken when the good captain drops down dead… leaving him to stop the spaceship falling apart!

‘Pursuit of the Nightjar’ embodies that old proverb about never meeting your heroes, by showing the worst case scenario. The Doctor’s initial reaction to being aboard the Nightjar is one of pure glee: he heard about its legendary voyage during one of his first trips after leaving home, and he’s dreamed of witnessing this historic event ever since. Tim Foley then proceeds to shatter the Doctor’s spirit throughout the adventure; there was even a moment where the Time Lord considered throwing in the towel. The material is simply jaw-dropping!

Thank you to everyone on Twitter who recommended this adventure to me, because it’s easily the greatest thing I’ve heard all year. And one last message to Mr. Foley: can we please have another adventure with the big bleeping metal bird? Alfie became one of my favourite characters over the space of two hours.

Doctor Who – The First Doctor Adventures (Bradley)

#1.01. The Destination Wars ~ 6/10

◆ An Introduction

Following the recent announcement that David Bradley and friends would be returning to their roles, in a special series of ‘Unbound’ adventures, I decided that now would be a perfect time to revisit his original run of stories.

Most people in the fandom will remember Christmas 2017 for the Twelfth Doctor’s rather lacklustre final outing, but it was also when BigFinish decided to release this box set. I remember my Nanna getting it for my birthday the following year, and I must have relistened to it at least a hundred times since! The whole format of the range was something I appreciated too: it was guaranteed that we would get one science fiction romp, packaged alongside an intricately crafted pure historical. This was the beginning of something really special.

This review will actually be the first I’ve written exclusively for TARDIS Guide – rather than a TimeScales hand-me-down from when I abandoned that site – so I hope you’ll join me as we journey to the planet Destination!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The TARDIS arrives in a gleaming utopia in the Space Year 2003. Has the Doctor truly brought Ian and Barbara home, to glimpse their future?

The world owes much to its legendary Inventor, and Susan finds herself face to face with the great benefactor. But soon, the time travellers are in a world at war and the Doctor must confront his past.

◆ DISCLAIMER

This adventure features James Dreyfus: a transphobic cretin who has continued to hurl abuse at the trans community since at least October 2018.

Any comments made about his performance in this review – good or bad – should not be seen as me condoning his actions. I’m simply separating the art from the artist.

It should hopefully go without saying that I absolutely condemn his behaviour.

#TransRightsAreHumanRights

◆ The First Doctor

There’s a moment during part four where the Doctor seriously considers using the Master’s platform to move forward in time: if they reached a point where Destination’s technology had become sufficiently advanced, then maybes they could use it to leave. It’s only thanks to Susan and Reena that he sees sense: a good reminder that these adventures take place very early into the Doctor’s travels.

David Bradley delivered an excellent performance for his debut adventure, though he does seem a little bit stiff. Luckily, this’ll improve as the range progresses, and he gets more comfortable within his role.

Recalibrating his ship is a very delicate procedure, and he’d thank Chesterton not to mock. The Doctor informs Robac that they are travellers, and they are always curious to learn more about the places they find themselves. He is simply observing: he doesn’t feel the need to commentate on every little thing he sees, and suggests that Chesterton might try it sometime! The Master describes the Doctor as a reckless criminal… which is a bit rich coming from him.

◆ Susan Foreman

Aside from smashing a couple of the Master’s server robots, Susan really didn’t do much in ‘The Destination Wars’.

Claudia Grant is the only member of this team that I’m really worried about. The histrionics are certainly in character, but she really needs to knock it down an octave or two: it just grates on the ears.

Susan doesn’t go to school, but Mr. Chesterton and Miss. Wright are sort of her tutors. Earth isn’t exactly where she’s from. The Master recalls that Susan is prone to hysterics.

◆ Ian Chesterton

Ian has always been written as the action hero; someone who was forced into hand-to-hand combat with an Aztec warrior, and who did everything in his power to save Barbara from danger. Hearing someone so intelligent and strong-willed be manipulated by the Master was genuinely disturbing.

Shall we acknowledge the elephant in the room? Jamie Glover sounds absolutely nothing like the original Ian, which takes some getting used to. He also doesn’t have much range as an actor: speaking as a long-time fan of Casualty, and as someone that grew up watching Waterloo Road, this isn’t what you’d call a revelation. Glover’s performance in ‘The Destination Wars’ was alright, but there’s definitely room for improvement.

The Master believes that Ian is clearly a prime example of his species; intelligent, strong-willed… but non unassailably so.

◆ Barbara Wright

Truth be told, I barely remember her doing anything in this adventure, except for sticking a sack over the Master’s head to stop him hypnotising Ian. An incredible shame, as Barbara is my favourite member of the original TARDIS team.

Jemma Powell doesn’t get the chance to make an impression, as she barely receives any material to work with: here’s hoping that changes with the next story!

◆ Father of the Atomic Bomb

The Master has been influencing the people of Destination to develop technology that would split the atom, as he requires nuclear fission to restart the dimensional engines in his TARDIS. This can be achieved by setting off a massive atomic warhead, likely causing untold casualties for both the native Dalmari and the humanoid colonists.

The Master has essentially become a time-travelling Oppenheimer that’s lacking a moral compass, and I seriously remember this script being a lot more interesting than it actually was. The plot is wafer thin, which begs the question of why couldn’t Fitton be bothered with giving the TARDIS team some interesting material? He seemingly forgot that Barbara existed, which I’m still quite miffed about. There’s more than enough padding in ‘The Destination Wars’ to make a luxury mattress factory giddy!

◆ Sound Design

Destination is a gleaming utopia filled with skyscrapers and hovering cars. Unfortunately, that description could apply to any number of futuristic cities. Howard Carter usually brings a degree of finesse to his soundscapes, so generic is the last word I ever thought I’d use to describe his work. I’m genuinely quite disappointed.

Hovering cars humming through the streets of Destination. Reptilian creatures scuttle through tunnels beneath the city, gurgling like Sil. Adoring crowds gather around the main square to witness the Inventor’s first public address in years. Tanna and her associates fire disruptor guns at the swarming Dalmari. As the Master’s platform accelerates through time, the humanoid colonists go to war with the Dalmari.

◆ Conclusion

“It is the march of time, nothing more sinister.”

Influencing a society for generations, the Master waits patiently for the people of Destination to split the atom. With the power of nuclear fission, he can restart the engines in his badly damaged TARDIS.

Matt Fitton has always been something of a meat and potatoes writer; often churning out a high volume of decent scripts, which don’t bother attempting anything risky or new. That honestly sums up this adventure pretty nicely.

Fitton has done the bare bones when it comes to characterisation, but still manages to forget that Barbara exists. I cannot even say that the performances make up for this shortfall, because they’re all pretty standard… except for Claudia Grant, who deafens me every time she shrieks!

I cannot recommend listening to ‘The Destination Wars’. It features a wafer-thin plot, a frankly boring soundscape, and more than enough padding to make Sofology giddy!

Doctor Who (2023 – 20XX)

#1.01. Space Babies ~ 8/10

◆ An Introduction

A companion’s first adventure through time and space should always be a special one – unless your name is Hex or C’rizz, then you get lumbered with something experimental which does nothing for their character development – so here’s hoping Ruby has better luck.

On an unrelated note, I hope you’ve got some tissues to deal with the walking snot monster.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Ruby learns the Doctor’s amazing secrets when he takes her to the far future. There, they find a baby farm run by babies. But can they be saved from the terrifying bogeyman?

◆ The Fifteenth Doctor

His parents abandoned him and he became the foundling of the Time Lords, so he can empathise with the inhabitants of Baby Station Delta and their worries that they “grew up wrong”. But he assures them that nobody grows up wrong: you are what you are, and that is magnificent. This episode does an excellent job of tying the Doctor’s backstory into the narrative.

Considering the Doctor is the only member of his species in the whole universe, it’s not surprising the horror on his face when Jocelyn tries to blast the Bogeyman out of an airlock! ‘Space Babies’ featured an amazing performance from Ncuti Gatwa.

Because he was adopted, and the planet that took him in, they were kind of posh. They’d use titles like the Doctor, or the Bishop, or the Rani, or the Conquistador: say Doctor for a thousand years and it becomes his name. His world was called Gallifrey, and it’s gone. There was a genocide, and they died, so the one that was adopted was the only one left. He is the last of the Time Lords. And he is so, so glad to be alive. The Doctor claims that most of the universe is knackered. He believes that there is no such thing as monsters, there’s just creatures you haven’t met yet. The Doctor doesn’t have a people. He doesn’t have a home. But he doesn’t have a job, either. He doesn’t have a boss, or taxes or rent or bills to pay. He doesn’t have a purpose or a cause, or a mission, but he has freedom. And so he keeps moving on, to see the next thing, and the next, and the next. And sometimes, it looks even better through his companion’s eyes. The Doctor’s parents left him, and he was found by the Time Lords, but it doesn’t matter where he comes from, because he is absolutely lovely. There’s no-one like him in the whole, wide universe. No-one like him exists, and that’s true of everyone. It’s not a problem, it’s a superpower. He’s met a million ugly bugs – he is an ugly bug! – but that thing made him run, and he wonders why.

◆ Ruby Sunday

A companion’s first adventure through the fourth dimension always features a great deal of culture shock, and Ruby is clearly struggling with the idea that a bunch of babies are running a space station, and somewhat horrified that their parents / guardians decided to just up and leave. This episode also kick-starts a series of weird occurrences surrounding Ruby, including having the ability to summon snow when in danger…

Millie Gibson put on an excellent performance in ‘Space Babies’, really connected with the material.

Ruby worried about how safe seeing dinosaurs would be: what if she changed history by stepping on a butterfly or something? Lo and behold, she ends up doing exactly that… briefly transforming into Rubathon Blue of the 57th Hemisphere Hatchlings!

◆ Walking Sneeze

Speaking as someone who is severely germaphobic, this week’s monster genuinely made me wretch when it was revealed to be made from actual snot, but I’ll admit that the lore behind it is actually quite interesting.

The parthenogenesis machine had inbuilt education software which started going haywire and taking things literally: babies need fiction, so it created a genuine nightmare creature so they had something to be afraid of! It was designed to have a roar with a frequency of 17Hz to instil fear in anyone who heard it, which even made the Doctor recoil when he first encountered it.

Certainly a fascinating concept, but one which I don’t find myself relating to in the slightest, because my nightmares as a child weren’t of unreal creatures like the Bogeyman. One nightmare from childhood has actually been lodged in my brain ever since I was three years old: being trapped in the Metrocentre ASDA and attacked by an evil swan! Considering I’ve never been frightened of birds, that nightmare still feels very random.

◆ Set Design & Visuals

Our first destination is 150 million years in the past, and this is where production really start flexing their Disney budget; huge mountains surround a lush green valley, with a river and waterfall cutting right through the middle. Dinosaurs of several varieties are roaming around the plains below, while pterodactyls soar across the skyline. Rubes then steps on a butterfly and briefly becomes some form of avian-Silurian hybrid! It definitely makes sense to open on such a grandiose image, considering the majority of this episode falls into the traditional Doctor Who category of running round a load of cramped corridors.

We get this absolutely glorious shot of the TARDIS emerging from the time vortex, hurtling towards Baby Station Beta and shifting through the walls. The space station corridors are dark and cramped, hiding a slimy creature that immediately starts chasing the Doctor and Rubes. I particularly like how we get to see these corridors through the station’s onboard CCTV systems: it’s very reminiscent of ‘Sleep No More’.

As our dynamic duo explore the upper levels of Baby Station Beta, you can see drawings made on the wall in crayon, and various children’s toys being used to operate control panels. It’s more like a branch of Mothercare than a space station!

The constant switching camera angles make the Bogeyman absolutely horrifying, especially since it’s skulking around in those dark corridors. We never actually get a proper look at it until Cpt. Poppy attacks it with a flamethrower!

◆ Conclusion

“You’ve literally got a monster living down below. It’s a children’s story! Come to life.”

Encountering a real-life bogeyman, our dynamic duo must uncover its surprising origins, and decide if it really poses a danger to the inhabitants of Baby Station Beta.

When the episode names were unveiled across social media, I immediately started cringing at this one, but the adventure itself turned out pretty good. Considering both the Doctor and Ruby are foundlings, it seems more than coincidence that they should find themselves on a space station inhabited by babies, where all the parents have just upped and left; the former also develops a connection to our antagonist, because they’re both the only member of their species in existence.

Ignoring the atrocious title for a moment, ‘Space Babies’ was genuinely a great episode to kick off the series with, though I was surprised just how many moments in the story were ripped wholesale from Rose Tyler’s first outing in the TARDIS.

Doctor Who (2023 – 20XX)

#1.Xmas. The Church on Ruby Road ~ 9/10

◆ An Introduction

The rather controversial decision was made to axe the Christmas Specials during the Chibnall era, which resulted in many people spending the festive season bored out of their skull… if they hadn’t already passed out from copious amounts of booze and brandy butter!

These special episodes managed to unite families, because they were often incredibly camp and light-hearted, and it’s not like they could go down the pub on Christmas Day. Some have aged incredibly well, like when someone decided to cast the most famous Australian pop-star as a companion. Others have aged like clotted cream in a sweltering greenhouse, such as the atrocious Narnia special which makes me consider downing a whole bottle of Disaronno!

The Christmas Specials have been resurrected for what is rapidly becoming a new golden age for the franchise, and someone decided to include a Goblin musical number.

Camp and light-hearted to the nth degree!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Long ago, on Christmas Eve, a baby was abandoned in the snow. Today, Ruby Sunday meets the Doctor, goblins, stolen babies and, perhaps, the secret of her birth.

◆ The Fifteenth Doctor

We got a brief glimpse of this incarnation following the bi-generation, but this episode is his proper debut. He makes an excellent first impression, right from the moment he stops a giant snowman sculpture crushing Ruby and her mates! It was established during the Chibnall era that the Doctor was a foundling, and he’s clearly still coming to terms with that fact, but it gives him a connection with his companion: neither of them really know where they come from.

Ncuti Gatwa is definitely a powerhouse actor, bringing boundless enthusiasm and energy to every episode he’s appeared in. His performance in ‘The Church on Ruby Road’ was frankly marvellous. My favourite moment was when he turned on the musical theatrics and basically hijacked the Goblin King’s theme song: the bloke has got an excellent voice on him, and I sincerely hope he gets a few more musical numbers during his tenure.

He claims to be health and safety: gin and tonic division. The Doctor spends a lot of time hanging off things, so he invented intelligent gloves, which get rid of all the friction and the weight and the burn. He is massively offended when Ruby calls the Goblins time travellers: time travellers are great, while these guys just “bimble”. He once spent a long, hot summer with Harry Houdini. The Doctor is adopted. He only found out recently, but he doesn’t know who his parents were: he was a foundling, just like Ruby.

◆ Ruby Sunday

A foundling abandoned one Christmas Eve, this episode kicks off with Ruby attempting to find her birth parents, but the search proves fruitless: they aren’t on any database, somehow managing to walk through life without leaving a trace. She has no idea of her true origins, but I’m sure all will be revealed during her travels through the fourth dimension. RTD has created some of the most beloved companions in this franchise, and he appears to have done it again!

Millie Gibson delivers an excellent performance in her debut outing, and I simply cannot wait to discuss the many high-points of her coming adventures. It’s established early in the game that Ruby is a gifted musician – playing the keyboard in her band – so I think the decision to have her hijacking the Goblin King’s theme tune was brilliant! Gibson also proves to be a talented singer, so more musical episodes, please.

She was named after Ruby Road. That’s where she was found, almost nineteen years ago. Then she was fostered by Carla, who went on to adopt her: she’s nuts, but she’s the best mum she could ever have. Ruby thinks that life’s been good, though they’ve had a mad time of it recently; her A-levels were not the best, cause her family had to leave Manchester and move down London, cause they came and looked after her gran and couldn’t afford care, and she would never move to the north, not in a million years. She’s been left a bit stranded, still waiting for her life to begin. Ruby has no problems with being called a foundling, because that’s what she is: she was found. She’s always knocking things over, chalking it up to clumsiness, but the Doctor thinks it’s something much worse.

◆ Twisted Folklore

Someone recently pointed out to me that RTD is really leaning into the fantasy elements this time round. Since we’re going up against Goblins in this festive outing, I’m inclined to agree.

The faction encountered in this episode were time riders that could “bimble” through the fourth dimension using their ramshackle ship. They would creep into the normal universe through the power of accidents, chance, and coincidence; some might call this magic, but the Doctor believed it was just a different form of physics and a new science.

Using this form of science, the Goblins would create bad luck around certain people both for fun and also as preparation for stealing babies they wanted to eat, because it apparently improved the taste. That’s why they kidnapped Lulubelle in the present day, and why they also attempted to do the same with baby Ruby on Christmas Eve 2004, causing a “cracked timeline”.

The concept of these grotesque creatures emerging from folklore is unsettling enough, but their plan is absolutely horrifying, especially if you’re a parent: can you imagine how helpless you would feel in their shoes? But instead of going down a nightmarish route – because this is a Christmas Special, when everyone watching will be fermenting from copious amounts of booze – RTD turns it into a musical! This entire episode is bizarre.

◆ Set Design & Visuals

This might very well be the most theatrical episode RTD has ever created, and it’s clear the boffins working in VFX and set design had an absolute whale of a time creating stuff like the ramshackle pirate ship floating through the clouds, and the gelatinous Goblin King himself! Once again, the show is really taking full advantage of that Disney budget.

The opening flashback to Christmas Eve 2004 is glorious, with sheets of snow falling to the ground on a cold winter’s night, making the gorgeous old church look like something straight out of a postcard.

We get several scenes where the Goblins are being absolute menaces; causing all the stage-lights to fall over when Ruby is being interviewed for Long Lost Family, and unpinning a giant snowman which nearly flattens the Doctor!

Seeing the Doctor and Rubes clinging onto a ladder in the sky for dear life is a fantastic image, made even more eye-catching when they rise above the clouds and reveal the ramshackle Goblin ship.

We finally get a proper look at the Goblins during a musical number – something RTD seems to have grown quite fond of – and they’re all baying for blood around the conveyor belt. Of course, this is where we also meet the Goblin King himself… who ironically resembles myself whenever I decide to go back for seconds during Christmas dinner!

That scene where the Goblin ship gets pulled to the ground is brutal, especially when the King gets impaled on the church spire. Then the ship just dissipates into thin air.

◆ Music

Confession time: I absolutely hated the musical number when I first watched this episode. I found it incredibly cringe-worthy and believed it would be a right royal pain in the rear to discuss in this review. Luckily for me, I spent the intervening months being introduced to the wonderful world of Hazbin Hotel and its sister show, hence why my profile picture on TARDIS Guide is a certain demon owl.

Watching that show genuinely gave me a huge appreciation for musical numbers, so I would like to revise my opinion of The Goblin Song: it’s pure camp and utterly bizarre! Christina Rotondo is a fantastic vocalist who makes the whole number come alive, and Murray Gold’s music is just soaked in melodrama. Honestly, I’m holding out hope that someone will make a genuine stageplay based around this episode, because it’s so theatrical.

◆ Conclusion

“That’s how these Goblins work. Chance and coincidence and luck.”

Was anyone else reminded of the cult-classic Labyrinth whilst watching this episode? Both plots revolve around a baby being kidnapped by Goblins, whilst featuring the odd musical number. The major difference is that instead of having David Bowie… this Goblin King is a gluttonous monstrosity who meets a grizzly end: being impaled on a church spire.

‘The Church on Ruby Road’ marks the first full appearance of our new TARDIS team. Ncuti Gatwa is definitely a powerhouse actor, bringing bundles of enthusiasm end energy to every scene he appears in. Millie Gibson puts on an amazing show, bringing a dose of northern charm to the episode. I should also point out that both these performers are talented singers, as demonstrated when they hijacked the Goblin King’s musical number.

People have been begging for the Christmas Specials to return, and we kick things off with a deranged science fantasy outing. What an amazing way to kick-off the Fifteenth Doctor’s era!

Doctor Who (2023 – 20XX)

The Giggle ~ 8/10

◆ An Introduction

Better late than never, I guess. Things have changed dramatically in the six plus months since I covered one of the RTD2 episodes; my computer stopped working throughout January, I had something of a mental breakdown in February, and I began moving all my reviews to TARDIS Guide in May. Despite all of this, Spice Up Your Life still hasn’t left my head… unfortunately.

The Time Lord and the Toymaker.

One final game…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The giggle of a mysterious puppet is driving the human race insane. When the Doctor discovers the return of the terrifying Toymaker, he faces a fight he can never win.

◆ The Fourteenth Doctor

Remember when everyone thought RTD would ignore the entirety of the last era, and all the bigots started celebrating? I sincerely hope they all watched this episode and cried when we got the amazing puppet show scene, seeing the Doctor forced to confront all his past tragedies; three dead companions from the Moffat era, and the universal devastation caused by the Flux. The Doctor tries claiming that those companions still lived in some form – such as being trapped in their last second of life, like Clara – but their deaths clearly weigh heavily on his mind.

David Tennant recently claimed that he wont be returning to the franchise anymore – at least on television, I don’t think he ruled out a potential return to the audio adventures – but I somehow doubt this is the last we’ve seen of him. His performance in ‘The Giggle’ was utterly superb, especially when he played cards with the Toymaker: talk about palpable tension! Tennant also received the unique opportunity to act alongside his successor, and he’s clearly got great chemistry with Gatwa.

The Doctor’s face practically illuminates the minute he is reunited with Mel. He’s a billion years old: if he stood and talked about everyone he’d ever met, they’d still be in the TARDIS, yapping. When the Doctor was young, he was so sure of himself and made a terrible mistake. He let the TARDIS fall into another realm, a hollow beneath the Under-Universe, where science is a game and all of us are toys. He escaped. He beat the Toymaker, he won his game, but now he’s here. He’s found his way into reality… and the Doctor thinks it’s all because of him. He cast that salt at the edge of of the universe. He played a game and let him in; an elemental force with the power of a god, and he’s driven the human race mad with a puppet! The Doctor is always so certain. He’s all sonic and TARDIS and Time Lord. Take that away – take away the toys – what is he? What is he now? He makes a tearful admission to Donna, that he doesn’t know if he can save her life this time. The Doctor proudly calls Rose his favourite niece, and it genuinely warms my heart that he’s become part of a family. He admits that he’s never been so happy in his life.

◆ Donna Noble

Russell T Davies gave Donna some amazing material in this episode. I particularly like how she pulled the Doctor out of his defeatist mood when they were trapped in the Emporium.

Catherine Tate delivered a superb performance in ‘The Giggle’. If someone asked me to choose my favourite scene with her, then it would have to be her basically smacking the Stooky dolls against a brick wall, as though she was on an anger management course! I know that scene was meant to be really creepy, as Stooky Sue tried biting into Donna, but the minute the dolls got kicked into next week, I burst out laughing.

She isn’t keen on being called a companion. That sounds like they park the Doctor on the seafront at Weston-super-Mare! Donna spent six months teaching her daughter how to play the recorder till she said, “This is not who I am.” And that was the start of a whole other conversation, believe her. But it helps her identify that the wavelength is actually a tune. Kate offers her a job at UNIT - £60,000 annual salary – but she haggles and manages to get £120K and five weeks holiday! Donna’s dad used to say, “Dice don’t know what the dice did last time. Games don’t have a memory. Every game starts from scratch.” and that advice seems to be enough to bring the Doctor out of his defeatist mood.

◆ Mel Bush

Quite easily the greatest decision RTD has ever made. Speaking as someone who loves the bones off this character, I’m so glad she’s becoming a key member of UNIT personnel. She flexes her computer programming skills in this episode – something she never got the opportunity to do in the Classic Era – and a tragic backstory has been hinted at involving her family. I sincerely hope this will be expanded on, either in the show itself or by the good folks over at BigFinish.

I recently had the honour of meeting Bonnie Langford at EM Con 2024, and what a charming woman she is! Some people will doubtless have been worried about her returning to our screens, but I can guarantee those people have never listened to a BigFinish play in their lives. Her performance in ‘The Giggle’ was genuinely marvellous, and she doesn’t scream once!

Mel travelled the stars with good old Sabalom Glitz, who lived till he was 101. Died falling over a whisky bottle: it was the perfect way to go! He had this great big Viking funeral, and then she thought… “time to go home.” So she got a lift off a zingo and came back to Earth. But then Mel had to face up to the one thing she’d been running away from: she’s got nothing. Her family are all gone. Then Kate offered her a job, and here we are.

◆ The Game of the 21st Century

The Toymaker is one of the most creative villains in the history of this franchise, so RTD was really spoilt for choice when coming up with contemporary storylines for him. Personally, I’d have the Toymaker take over one of the big-name video game companies, like Electronic Arts, and make him create several real-time strategy games where you fought using real people… I know that sounds like the deranged fever dream from someone still bitter about the damage EA did to the Command & Conquer franchise, but it’s still a damn good idea!

Instead, the Toymaker has established his own emporium in 1920s Soho, manipulating events so that one of his dolls – Stooky Bill – would become the first image viewed on a television screen.

The Toymaker then animated and immortalised the sound of Stooky Bill’s laugh to spread insanity in the 21st century, because technology and communication had reached a point where the Giggle could be heard subliminally through all screens across the globe. Now everyone has started thinking they’re right, all the time, and they wont change their mind. If you try to argue, they go completely mad. Essentially, the Toymaker has made a never-ending game.

It’s honestly quite amusing that RTD has turned the entire planet into Karens, because it reminds me of being back in lockdown and having someone at work purposefully cough when they were around me. People really are quite awful, which the Doctor himself states during the episode, but the Toymaker is amplifying all of our arrogance and worst traits to cause total anarchy. It’s an incredible idea.

◆ “Und now everybody loves the balls!”

The previous actors who portrayed the Toymaker are both long gone, so I was interested to see how Neil Patrick Harris would put his own stamp on the character. What I didn’t expect was for him to spend most of the runtime putting on a hammy German accent, and acting like a living meme! – see the subtitle for this section of my review.

RTD sought an actor with theatrical skills who could entertain like a magician, and he got exactly that. The performance was genuinely excellent, and that musical number was just perfection.

◆ Bi-generation

Originally believed to be a myth, bi-generation was an extremely rare variant of regeneration. Instead of one incarnation directly changing into the next, as seen with the regeneration process, bi-generation instead causes the new incarnation to split from the previous, allowing both to exist simultaneously.

Bi-generation – perhaps unintentionally – solves a mystery from a decade ago, and I’m obviously talking about the Curator: an elderly form of the Doctor who had retired from his adventurous ways, and possessed the ability to wear aged forms of his previous incarnations.

I firmly believe that the Fifteenth Doctor will continue having adventures and keep moving on with his life, whilst the Fourteenth Doctor will eventually become the Curator. And that’s why I have no issue with the concept of bi-generation.

◆ Set Design & Visuals

I know I’ve probably mentioned this already, but seeing Doctor Who made on a Disney budget is genuinely gorgeous! Everything looks phenomenal in this special.

Opening with the image of Stooky Bill caught alight, his wooden face wide-eyed and slack jawed, is genuinely quite horrifying.

Everyone started thinking they were right two days ago, and the streets of London are consumed with rioting and chaos… and the Toymaker is just dancing through it all in that glorious top-hatted outfit. We’re given a terrifying view of the capital ablaze, as the Doctor and the TARDIS are taken to the helipad at UNIT Tower.

Remember when UNIT had their headquarters in what can only be described as a country estate? Those days are long gone, because someone has constructed “not Stark Tower for legal reasons” in Central London! The command deck is absolutely gorgeous; sleek terminals integrated into every desk, with giant screens at the front of the room offering a battle interface of sorts. I’m also a big fan of the theory that this was all built by Dan Lewis: in all fairness, he was looking for a job after the Doctor ditched him.

Having those little colourised flashbacks to the original Toymaker story was a very nice touch. It makes his return feel like something truly worth celebrating… even if said Hartnell adventure was pretty average.

The Emporium becomes this insane realm where the laws of reality mean absolutely nothing, where a giant apparition of the Toymaker can play with human sized puppets… and Donna Noble can end up trapped with the horrifying Stooky Sue doll!

The Toymaker puts on this intricate puppet show which showcases all the tragedies the Doctor has faced since he last met Donna; Amy Pond being zapped back in time by the Angels, Clara Oswald being killed by the raven, Bill Potts getting shot by Cybermen… and finally, the devastation caused by the Flux! Seeing the Emporium collapse in on itself was quite the sight! It actually reminded me of a movie I watched as a kid, think it was called Monster House.

I finally get to discuss the musical number! The Toymaker bounces round the UNIT Tower dancing to Spice Up Your Life, and it is quite literally the most camp thing I have ever seen. Guaranteed, the song will be stuck in your head for months after watching the episode! I particularly loved how the guns all started firing rose petals: it’s a really striking image.

◆ Music

The demonic fairground music which plays during the juggling scene is marvellous: a ridiculous mix of camp and creepy which fits the Toymaker perfectly.

◆ Conclusion

“That’s the game of the 21st century. They shout and they type and they cancel. So I fixed it.”

An elemental force with the power of a god has been unleashed, and he’s driven the human race mad with a puppet! Defeating the Toymaker hinges on the outcome of one final game…

David Tennant and Catherine Tate once more deliver excellent performances, but we cannot forget our returning companion, who has spent the past twenty-something years being redeemed by BigFinish. Bonnie Langford excels with this material, and it warms my heart knowing that RTD is making her a key member of the UNIT family.

‘The Giggle’ actually kick-starts the Pantheon of Discord storyline which is set to conclude this Saturday, so I’ve certainly timed this review well! Neil Patrick Harris brings endless camp to the role of the Toymaker, turning him into this unpredictable magician who treats reality as just another plaything. I sincerely hope this isn’t the last we’ve seen of him. Though I’m not sure how RTD will beat the storyline of this episode: making all humanity into literal Karens!

An excellent conclusion to the 60th Anniversary, ‘The Giggle’ resurrected one of the most creative classic villains and granted him a new lease of life. I can’t wait to discuss the next series with you all… here’s hoping I manage to get Spice Up Your Life out of my head by that point!

Torchwood – The Monthly Adventures

#036. Dissected ~ 7/10

◆ An Introduction

Some companions are lucky enough to get their own series, whilst others will gatecrash already established spin-offs. I still remember the first time I watched ‘Reset’: seeing Martha Jones walk into the Hub, her theme song playing in the background. It gave me goosebumps. I honestly hoped that she would stay and become a permanent part of the team, but it wasn’t meant to be.

Two dead agents and a foiled reality bomb later, Martha Jones is reunited with Gwen Cooper. They’ve got a lot to discuss…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Gwen Cooper turns up on Martha Jones's doorstep with a dead body in tow. She needs to ask one final favour of her. And to find out why they stopped being friends.

A lot's happened to Torchwood since Martha left. A lot's happened to Martha since she left Torchwood. And there's something very odd about the dead body Gwen's brought with her.

Tonight Gwen's going to be getting more answers than she bargained for.

◆ Gwen Cooper

You’ll have gathered from this episode’s title that it takes place entirely during an autopsy, which is certainly an interesting way to frame the narrative. What I also like is how both protagonists offer a different perspective on the corpse. Gwen treats them like an actual person, one that got caught up in something horrible. She relies on her gut feeling and, most importantly, shows some empathy. This is a really good take on the character.

Eve Myles delivers a fantastic performance in this episode. It quickly becomes apparent how good her chemistry with Agyeman is too.

Even after all this time, the team still miss Tosh and Owen. According to Gwen, the Torchwood Christmas party turned into a bit of a siege when the waitresses got outed as Drahvins. She’s never liked the beginning of an autopsy; you don’t have any of the answers, just the trauma upfront.

◆ Martha Jones

Martha seems to be throwing herself into her work, refusing to let anything distract her. She provides a logical perspective to the autopsy – which is to be expected from someone who trained as a medic – but comes across as quite cold in the process. Foley has given the character a lot of depth, and I really appreciate that.

Something is clearly troubling Martha throughout the episode, which allows Freema Agyeman to make her really spiky and a little bit irritable. It’s a brilliant performance.

She doesn’t like people using her full name, as it makes her think there’s trouble. Martha first came to Torchwood for an autopsy, so long ago now, and so much has changed. She doesn’t exactly trust Torchwood technology, as it’s a little cobbled together. Martha has been to other planets, and some of them are still in the Dark Ages. About 90% of her time is spent with dead bodies.

◆ Sound Design

This entire episode takes place during an autopsy, and you get to be the body! The characters get louder or quieter depending on their proximity to the corpse, making the whole episode feel really dynamic. I can imagine Doggart had a lot of fun doing the sound design for this one.

◆ Conclusion

“So, are you saying you don’t like it when old friends turn up with a dead body on your doorstep?”

Tim Foley has consistently written some of the most amazing adventures for the various Torchwood teams, but this was where my journey began: a body on the slab, and a chance for Martha and Gwen to air out some grievances.

I’ve gained something of a reputation for writing gargantuan reviews – and I can only apologise to those of you that have been reading since before I revamped my format, back when I just barfed up an imposing wall of text – so people might be surprised with how short this one is.

The plot doesn’t extend much beyond what was advertised, which might be why I found myself procrastinating every time I sat down to write this review: it gave me an opportunity to complete the entire campaign for Kane’s Wrath again though, so I’m incredibly grateful for that.

Eve Myles delivered a great performance throughout the episode. Freema Agyeman felt a little unsure of herself to begin with, but quickly settled into a groove and shone like a star. Their characters were both really well written too.

The plot is as flimsy as the Tory government, and the pacing could’ve been tighter, but I still really like this one. ‘Dissected’ was my gateway into the world of Torchwood on audio, but I’ve simply heard better since my first listen.

Torchwood – The Monthly Adventures

#037. Tropical Beach Sounds and Other Relaxing Seascapes #4 ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

Suffering with anxiety is something that everyone will go through in their life, and everyone has their own way of coping. Some people will go for long walks and take in the fresh air. Others will read a book, or do something creative. If you’re like me, you’ll drink far too much iced coffee and binge watch old episodes of QI!

ASMR is another excellent way to relax. I always have some on when I’m writing these reviews, but it has to relate to the story I’m covering to help me concentrate. A good example would be cyberpunk ASMR for ‘Burning Heart’, or a winter wonderland one for ‘Equilibrium’.

I wonder what would happen if those ASMR videos suddenly became deadly… and if they were narrated by national treasure, Sir Michael Palin!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

You are listening to a self-help tape. You are hearing a soothing voice. You have always wanted to do something with your life, haven't you? Oh, how you've ached to be a better person.

Well now. This is your chance. Go on. Sit back. Close your eyes. Relax. You're going to learn all about Captain Jack Harkness. You're going to learn all about Torchwood.

You're going to change the world.

◆ Cpt. Jack Harkness

Because this story keeps up the self-help façade for quite some time, each member of the Torchwood team are described as embodiments of our own internal aspect. Total rubbish, but still a brilliant idea.

Jack is handsome, he’s smartly dressed, and he’s dead. He is the Captain of our destiny, according to the Voice.

◆ Ianto Jones

Described as an attractive embodiment, Ianto is positive emotion.

◆ Toshiko Sato

Tosh is intellect and curiosity. She is neural learning and retained information.

◆ Owen Harper

Owen is all kinds of negative emotion. His face is made of scowls. His empathy is a boat with a hole in it; he would sink in our seascape.

◆ Gwen Cooper

Gwen is many things; she is intuition and emotional intelligence, and courage, and compassion.

◆ “Listen to the warm, expensive tones of Sir Michael Palin…”

I completely understand why this is one of the highest rated Torchwood releases, and I hope whoever managed to cajole Michael Palin into doing this got a hefty pay rise! Speaking as somebody who has listened to enough ASMR to last a lifetime, his voice is incredibly relaxing. You could genuinely convince someone that this is an actual self-help tape… if you weren’t suddenly flung into a dreary storage locker inside the Hub!

Palin’s character is never explicitly named and spends the whole episode shrouded in mystery, but he is quite clearly the villain. The Voice spends the episode directly addressing the real world listener, as if we’re meant to be the ones carrying out his planned infiltration of Torchwood. But his authority does slip on a few occasions: the tropical beach façade tries to reassert itself in some rather amusing scenes.

The Voice is quite similar to the narrator of the Stanley Parable in some ways. Both are well-spoken and very friendly at the beginning of their respective stories, but gradually become more and more irritable and snappy with the real world participant.

◆ Sound Design

An experimental audio adventure allows the sound artist to reach outside of their comfort zone, and have a great deal of fun doing so. Richard Fox must have thought all his Christmases came at once when the script for ‘Tropical Beach Sounds’ arrived on his desk.

The audio landscape is fairly minimal throughout the episode, but there are some fantastic little moments where it really leans into the ASMR aspect of things; like when Toshiko is knocked unconscious, because you crunched a piece of unearthly shortbread in her ear, and subjected her to tingles that overloaded her autonomous sensory meridian response! Completely insane, but it had me laughing.

◆ Music

The episode begins with this soothing tropical melody that conjures up images of palm trees, golden sands and piña coladas. It’s almost a shame that the story has to pull the rug out from under you, because I was suddenly in the mood for a beach holiday!

◆ Conclusion

“In this recording, you will go for a walk by the sea and you'll become the Captain of your destiny.”

BigFinish rarely do experimental stories nowadays – more than likely because Briggsy wants an extension to his giant mansion made of money, or a Spiridon themed jacuzzi – but the writers occasionally get the chance to create something totally out of left field.

A haunted self-help tape performed by the legendary Sir Michael Palin. The concept alone is utter madness, but works surprisingly well. It was also a wise decision to have the real-world listener be the main character.

Sir Michael Palin was the sole performer in this release, and deserves a round of applause for putting on a fantastic show. Starting out as this relaxing voice of reason, which gradually becomes more insulting and unhinged as the self-help tape progresses.

‘Tropical Beach Sounds’ is unlike anything else that BigFinish have released. I totally understand why some people might find it a baffling experience, but speaking as someone who adores guided meditation and ASMR – yes, fully aware I’m a hipster – this release really appealed to me. I can highly recommend this episode to everyone, but especially those who value the experimental side of the audio plays.

Torchwood – The Monthly Adventures

#029. Serenity ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

A great many people dream of settling down in a quiet suburban community; a slice of middle class living, secured from the so-called dregs of society by grand electric gates.

On the surface, these neighbourhoods are the picture perfect suburban dream. Wide roads, golden maple trees and verdant lawns. Most residents are white collar professionals ranging from university staff to government employees. Most… but not all.

Serenity Plaza is the latest such community in South Wales, but is it a front for something much more sinister? One thing is certain: Jack and Ianto are gonna have to work very hard if they want to win the Best Kept Lawn competition.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Serenity Plaza is the most exclusive gated community in South Wales.

You’d kill to live there. Jack and Ianto have gone undercover as a happily married couple. There are rumours that something’s wrong at Serenity Plaza and they’re determined to investigate. But the problem is that Serenity Plaza is just so rigidly normal.

Suddenly, Jack and Ianto have to confront the problems that normal couples face. Sharing a house together, doing the washing up, entering the residents’ baking contest, and hoping to win the Best Kept Lawn.

Competition is fierce. Because this is Serenity Plaza. And you’d kill to live there.

◆ Cpt. Jack Harkness

‘Serenity’ is my favourite script with the good captain. Jack is clearly enjoying the opportunity to blend in and be normal… well, as normal as you can be surrounded by middle class snobs and innuendo spouting senior citizens. Moran has written for the good captain before, in his television story ‘Sleeper’, and he clearly understands the character.

John Barrowman delivers what I consider to be his best performance in this episode. He was clearly having a whale of a time with the material, which really plays to his strengths.

Jack actually searched for a name that meant “handsome” – hence why he is using the alias of Ken – but Ianto suggests that he should have chosen the name Geraint, meaning “old”. New rule: if you can’t pronounce “Sauvignon”, then you’ve had too much wine!

◆ Ianto Jones

Ianto is afforded the best material in ‘Serenity’. Going undercover in middle class suburbia, with pensioners who make more smutty comments than a Carry On film, is clearly his idea of hell. That’s probably why he spends the entire episode brimming with sarcasm and threatening to go on a killing spree with a lawnmower (no, really). Moran really needs to write for this character again, because this was just marvellous.

Gareth David-Lloyd genuinely had me cackling throughout the episode. The quality of the one-liners is phenomenal, with his delivery of them being the cherry on top.

Ianto can only talk like a Stepford wife for so long. He chose the name Ifan because it’s a variant of Ianto.

◆ Story Recap

Serenity Plaza is your typical gated community: it’s populated by middle class suburbanites that all secretly hate each other, and they’ll happily make petty comments about how much nicer their home is than yours.

Behind all the smutty double entendres, the fake smiles and the Stepford wives is a community hiding a dark secret.

Having tracked a signal to the estate’s satellite dish, Jack and Ianto have went undercover. One of the residents is a sleeper agent with Cell 114, and the clock is ticking to discover their identity.

◆ The Second Foiled Invasion

Imagine getting the opportunity to write a sequel to an episode where people completely lost their identities, then transformed into super soldiers with swords for arms: super soldiers who planned on blowing up Cardiff with a series of nuclear warheads. Would you be brave enough to make the sequel a comedy, and one which feels like aliens invaded the set of Desperate Housewives? I already respect James Moran for having the sheer audacity to give us all tonal whiplash, but I actually think this is an improvement on ‘Sleeper’.

Cell 114 are planning on converting the human race into sleepers from their headquarters in Serenity Plaza. They’ve set up several gated communities around the globe to carry out this procedure, but I highly doubt they will attempt to invade planet Earth a third time… for reasons which become obvious in the final moments of the episode. All I’ll say is that things get very dark in the last few minutes, so prepare for yet more tonal whiplash.

◆ Stepford Wives & Double Entendres

I will never understand why people want to live in a gated community. It’d be like sitting in an echo chamber surrounded by two-faced people who hate your guts!

What would make that atmosphere all the more sickening is that middle class suburbanites are masters of back-handed compliments: imagine planting some flowers in your garden, only for your neighbour to say how nice they look… almost as nice as the ones they had imported from a sacred garden in Hokkaido! Living next to snobs like that would drive you insane. I should know, since I’ve pretty much described the old woman living next-door to me.

I sympathise with Ianto in this episode, because he is stuck in Serenity Plaza having to act like some Stepford wife. The whole situation is clearly wearing him down, causing him to have miniature outbursts where he spouts the most hilarious one-liners;

• “We’d better not still be here next month, or I’ll go on a killing spree with a lawnmower!”

• “Go away stabby! Your front lawn was mediocre at best!”

The comedy really is on point throughout. Ianto gets the best one-liners, but I have to mention another of my favourite scenes, that being Jack’s “Hangover Song”.

◆ Sound Design

All residents of the Plaza have this aggravating alarm clock that shouts at them to wake up on a morning, like some Colditz camp Commandant!

There is a scene towards the end of the episode where all the Sleepers have their bones melted. It’s utterly grotesque, but super effective.

◆ Music

The cold open features this incredibly sedate and tacky piece of muzak, and it seriously wouldn’t sound out of place on an American sitcom. It does set the tone very nicely though.

◆ Conclusion

“Catch you later! Don’t be a stranger!”

Jack and Ianto have went undercover in a slice of gated suburbia, hoping to uncover plans for a second invasion by Cell 114. They’ll have to endure all sorts of perils if they wish to remain undetected; meat-based innuendoes, middle-class snobbery, garden competitions, and neighbours who all secretly despise each other!

Torchwood has always mixed surprisingly well with comedy, and ‘Serenity’ is proof positive of that. This episode actually gets most of its humour from Jack and Ianto, whose relationship is definitely put under the spotlight. The Plaza showcases what their lives could be like if they were just an ordinary couple, but their cover stories here are exactly that. None of it is real.

John Barrowman absolutely nails his performance – managing to get the hangover song stuck in my head – but it’s David-Lloyd who managed to steal the show. Not only was he given the funniest lines, but his delivery of them was pitch perfect.

James Moran has been popping up a lot more frequently in the audio adventures, so I wholeheartedly hope we get to hear another comedy outing from him. ‘Serenity’ was just golden.

Torchwood – The Monthly Adventures

#020. The Last Beacon ~ 7/10

◆ An Introduction

My family have always went on walking holidays. Speaking as somebody who hates any kind of physical exertion, these trips always felt like purgatory! The only one I can genuinely say I enjoyed was Haverigg, because it coincided with my discovery of BigFinish. This meant I could lock myself in the attic conversion of the holiday home and binge listen to the Divergent Arc.

Exploring some desolate town in the middle of the Brecon Beacons definitely wouldn’t by my idea of fun, though alien badgers would certainly spice things up. But Owen would much rather be back in civilisation… not stuck with the office coffee maker and his breathless enthusiasm for the great outdoors!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

A signal in a Welsh mountain is calling an ancient battlefleet to Earth. Owen Harper and Ianto Jones head up into the Brecons to stop it.

The problem is – Ianto really loves camping.

◆ Owen Harper

Gareth David-Lloyd has spent years acting alongside his fellow Torchwood cast members, so you would expect him to have an excellent understanding of all their characters… and you’d be damn right. Sarcasm is written right through Owen like a stick of Blackpool rock, and this script captures that perfectly.

Burn Gorman clearly had a lot of fun performing this script. I also appreciate that he is one of very few actors that can convincingly play drunk, without sounding like he is suffering from a bout of psychosis.

Owen cannot understand why Ianto was allowed to co-ordinate this mission, because he outranks him. Taking in the surroundings, so far he has seen a fantastic selection of pubs, most of them boarded up; an array of kids smoking on benches; two Spar shops; a One Stop; nine pairs of pyjama bottoms; two terrified community support officers; and seven kebab shops, all called “Yummys”! It’s not like Owen to quit. Moan, yes, but Ianto has never seen him quit.

◆ Ianto Jones

I always find it fascinating when an actor is tasked with writing a story for their own character. It could make them insufferably narcissistic – especially if their character suddenly became god, or some such nonsense – but Gareth David-Lloyd is an incredible writer with a great understanding of Ianto’s personality and what makes him tick. The writing is frankly spectacular.

I’ve listened to a few scripts from Gareth David-Lloyd and noticed a common trend: they all tend to be comedies. This is clearly playing into one of his strengths, because he can be a really funny actor at times. Great performance.

He knows the Brecon Beacons quite well. His family, on his mum’s side, this is where they’re from. It was Ianto’s idea for him and Owen to pose as environmentally concerned geo-adventurers. Ianto has lived and worked in major cities with everything on his doorstep. The countryside can be a bit limiting, but as a kid it was something he looked forward to all week, and he never wanted to leave. Liked the sense of community, and you didn’t really get that in a big town. For a while after his nan died, he would still catch the bus at weekends, but could never bring himself to get off. Ride it all the way there, and ride it all the way back. Ianto thinks he was just spoiled with an awesome nanna: she could dull any pain with a word. She lost two brothers in a war, but he never once saw her sad. His crowbar is apparently nicknamed “Rob”.

◆ Story Recap

Torchwood have detected a strange signal coming from the Brecon Beacons and suspect it’s calling an invasion force to Earth. Owen and Ianto have been sent to investigate.

It soon transpires that the signal is being sent by a Taliskotian, who has been studying the differences between her species and humanity for the last two hundred years. Unfortunately, she is completely unaware that her species went extinct fifty years ago.

◆ The Odd Couple

I remember an episode of Osomatsu-San where four of the brothers went off to play pachinko, leaving Choromatsu and Ichimatsu behind. The two remaining brothers suddenly realised that they rarely get left alone together, and that is exactly what this release reminded me of.

It’s baffling that the dynamic of Owen and Ianto has barely been explored outside of this episode. They really are chalk and cheese, but that’s why they work so incredibly well together.

Speaking as someone who has never seen the appeal of the great outdoors, I found myself sympathising with Owen throughout the episode. Traipsing around the Brecon Beacons – with the risk of falling into sheep excrement – is clearly not his idea of fun. Neither is dressing up as some idiotic rambler. Owen is responsible for a lot of the dry humour in this story, with his cynicism and sarcasm being a brilliant addition.

Ianto is the complete opposite. He appears to have this breathless enthusiasm for the great outdoors, even commenting on how picturesque the Welsh countryside is. Geocaching is something he finds genuinely interesting. I looked it up on Google and found myself thinking “what a saddo!”

The dynamic between Owen and Ianto is one that needs to be utilised more often. There is so much potential in doing a series of comedy adventures with these two.

◆ Sound Design

The Brecon Beacons are beautifully brought to life in this episode. An isolated village surrounded by miles of rolling green hills, and it’s raining cats and dogs to remind you that this is Wales.

Fox and Yason do seem to get showered in praise every time I talk about their work, but they are just that good.

◆ Conclusion

“Ianto, you never told me there was a steam train!”

Torchwood stories are often depressing: best listened to with a bottle of something alcoholic to drown out the traumatic tales you were just exposed to. This is something totally different. Gareth David-Lloyd has been injecting that much needed comedic element into Torchwood for half a decade, and it all started with this episode.

The interactions between Owen and Ianto are the main reason to buy this release. Good grief, this pairing needs highlighted more often. The charming office tea boy with his love of camping, his sweet memories of his nan… and the sarcastic medic who would rather be anywhere else than the desolate countryside. Paula Abdul was correct: opposites do attract. Gorman and David-Lloyd bounce so well off of each other, and I will be really miffed if we don’t get another adventure with the two of them.

‘The Last Beacon’ will remind you why camping is an atrocious idea, whilst also batting some really fun comedic moments your way. Not all of the humour lands, and the plot could have been tighter, but this was still a damn good first script from David-Lloyd. He would go on to create one of my favourite Torchwood scripts only a year later, and ‘Retirement Plan’ still has me bent double with laughter whenever I listen to it.

Torchwood – The Monthly Adventures

#016. torchwood_cascade_CDRIP.tor ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

Because the police don’t usually turn up at people’s doors demanding why they illegally downloaded the MP3 for a Caravan Palace track, many people just assume that internet piracy is a victimless crime. They couldn’t be more wrong! Just look at the most notorious torrent site of them all, and what happened to the majority of its userbase.

LimeWire were more than happy to be dishing out pirated files, and the general public just kept clicking that download button. Thankfully, the dodgy dealings of this citrus-branded client were exposed multiple times. One investigation showed that of 123 randomly selected downloaded files, 37 contained malware – about 30% in total. If that wasn’t bad enough, they actively distributed spyware and key-loggers alongside the free version of the client.

Thousands of people had their personal information stolen from them on torrent sites, and most were totally unaware of it. Internet piracy is a crime, and it’s far from victimless… as Toshiko Sato is about to find out!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

WARNING: The unauthorised reproduction or distribution of this copyrighted work is illegal. Your downloads are monitored. Internet piracy is a crime and is punishable by up to 5 years in prison, a fine of £250,000 or death.

Come on, we've all done it. We’ve all downloaded a cheeky little something we shouldn't have. After all, what's the harm, eh? You never get caught. No-one knows. No-one knocks at your door and tells you you're about to die.

Turns out, there's something hiding in the internet. It knows what you've done. And it's going to stop you.

◆ Toshiko Sato

Scott Handcock’s departure from BigFinish will forever be one of the biggest blows to the expanded universe, so I will savour every moment I get to talk about his work. It would have been so easy for him to just abandon all character development and focus on making ‘Cascade’ an experimental show-piece, so I’m glad that he gave Toshiko a little unrequited love storyline. It’s actually a really good role reversal of her relationship with Owen.

Naoko Mori has always been one of my absolute favourite members of the Torchwood cast, so allow me to compliment her on a job well done in this release. Fabulous performance.

Not a lot of people have Tosh’s number any more, even fewer use it. Jack owes her a day in lieu after they dealt with a water dragon in Cardiff Bay! Stephen claims that she is beyond the police. The virus starts rooting around inside of Tosh’s head, blaming her for her brother’s death by saying she’d abandoned him. Everyone underestimates her, and that’s a mistake, because she always has a plan.

◆ Story Recap

Tosh is contacted by Stephen, a former employee of Torchwood One who has become aware of a series of twenty-seven disappearances in which all but one of the victims shared a birthday and died at the exact same time.

The disappearance of the exception, Nikki, was recorded as a voice message for her girlfriend Janet, in which she claimed to see somebody following her and heard a voice telling her that she was going to die. Although Nikki doesn’t share her birthday with the other victims, her girlfriend does and she used Janet’s ID to illegally pirate music on Choosic, a torrent site used by all the other victims.

The people using this torrent site have unwittingly allowed a highly sophisticated computer virus to enter their devices… sophisticated, and very probably alien. Switching tactics, this virus decides to target all those born on a different birthday. Stephen’s birthday.

◆ Torrent Of Trouble, Cascade Of Carnage

Technology is not my strong suit. The most advanced thing I can do with a computer is install mods for Command & Conquer, but that’s something I’ve been doing for at least ten years now. Though I’m not a total idiot when it comes to browsing the internet, which is why I would NEVER use a torrent site.

The main antagonist of ‘Cascade’ is a highly sophisticated virus hidden amongst the files of a torrent site named Choosic. It browses databases for people with the exact same date of birth and begins targeting those who have committed internet piracy. Brings a whole new meaning to the term “cyber security”, doesn’t it?

It does actually interact with Toshiko during the course of the episode, and its glitching speech patterns were incredibly reminiscent of SHODAN from the System Shock games. It’s a neat little idea, and one with sequel potential.

◆ Sound Design

Rob Harvey has gone down the experimental rabbit hole for ‘Cascade’, because the whole piece has been edited to emulate a corrupted audio file.

Static flickers through the speakers, voices are pitch-shifted, and the audio leaps all over the place. You even have fragments of other stories and behind the scenes recordings frequently interrupting the drama. It’s all surprisingly creepy!

This style of editing could have backfired immensely, but it really aids the tense atmosphere of the story. It also reminded me of the many occasions where VLC decided to stop working in the middle of a BigFinish audio. That happened to me the first time I listened to ‘A Life of Crime’. The volume got amplified to the point Sylvester McCoy might as well have been screaming at me through a megaphone!

◆ Conclusion

“Internet piracy is a crime, and it’s far from victimless!”

People who have violated internet piracy laws are being targeted by an ultra-sophisticated virus, but it’s doing more than just filling their devices full of spam and spyware. The virus can effect the real world, and deliver lethal justice to those it targets.

Toshiko has always been one of my favourite members of the Torchwood team, and this is yet another brilliant adventure to her name. ‘Cascade’ doesn’t put too much focus onto its plot, but that means we can spend more time with Naoko Mori, who delivers a fantastic performance with co-star Robbie Jarvis.

Rob Harvey deserves more praise than anyone for how well this release turned out. The decision to have the audio emulate a corrupted file, full of jumps and glitches, was absolutely inspired!

Scott Handcock has been sorely missed ever since the announcement of his departure from BigFinish, but ‘Cascade’ remains one of the most inventive stories he has crafted.

Torchwood – The Monthly Adventures

#003. Forgotten Lives ~ 7/10

◆ An Introduction

Onto the third episode now, where I finally have an opportunity to discuss Gwen Cooper. I very briefly talked about her in my reviews of ‘Aliens Among Us’, but that whole series was dominated by the Ng Possession story arc.

Time for a reunion with Gwen and Rhys, at an isolated care home in North Wales…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

It has been four years since the Miracle, and Gwen and Rhys's lives have gone back to normal, very normal. They're raising their daughter (they've got pictures they'd be only too happy to show you), they're living in a nice house, and they're almost on top of the laundry.

Captain Jack Harkness has been missing from the world and their lives for a long time. But late one night the phone rings, and they're summoned to an isolated part of North Wales. The Bryn Offa Nursing Home contains a dark secret, an alien threat, and someone who really shouldn't be there.

Gwen and Rhys are about to discover that Torchwood stays with you for the rest of your life.

◆ Gwen Cooper

Eve Myles doesn’t really participate in the audio adventures nowadays, which is a damn shame. She was always an incredibly strong performer, as she proves in this episode.

Gwen believes that the care home could be a cover for alien experiments or a UNIT detention centre for the inconveniently temporally displaced. It’s clear that even mentioning Tosh and Ianto brings back a lot of sadness. Torchwood’s standard procedure for dealing with alien tech is to push every button and hope for the best! Gwen isn’t a monster, so she’ll make sure the staff at the care home are locked up with tea and biscuits.

◆ Rhys Williams

I never really paid Kai Owen much attention during the show’s original run, but that all changed when I listened to a little story called ‘Sonny’. I’ll get round to reviewing it eventually, but just know that it’s my favourite BigFinish release of all time. His performance here is great.

Rhys likes North Wales. He used to drive with his uncle round all the routes here as a kid: it’s what inspired him to go into haulage. He misses his vocation, but knows that he was too well-known to keep working at Harwood’s. Rhys is horrified when he discovers that his daughter has been effected by the mind swap, to the point where he’d quite happily beat the living daylights out of Jack!

◆ Story Recap

Gwen and Rhys have been laying low since the Miracle, but recently found themselves summoned to a remote nursing home in North Wales. They come across an old man with dementia, claiming to be none other than Cpt. Jack. But they have more concerning things to worry about, as Anwen appears to have had her mind swapped with another resident of the nursing home! It’s down to Mr. and Mrs. Williams to stop the Evolved experiments.

◆ Enemy of the Committee

I’ve previously mentioned that the Committee would become prominent antagonists throughout this range, but this episode introduces us to their main opposition: the Evolved.

These strange beings possess the natural ability to swap people’s minds, however, I don’t think this talent was properly utilised. The mind swapping technology used by the Evolved would actually make another appearance, and be used to great comedic effect, in ‘Another Man’s Shoes’.

◆ Sound Design

Gardner has done a decent job with ‘Forgotten Lives’, but the sound effects aren’t particularly note worthy.

◆ Music

BigFinish have a plethora of excellent composers to pick from, so it’s baffling that they keep letting Mowat recycle his music from the first Torchwood story.

I would absolutely love to hear someone else have a go; specifically, the composing duo of Richard Fox and Lauren Yason, who have created some of the most stunning scores for BigFinish.

◆ Conclusion

“A naughty man is trying to steal mummy’s car.”

An alien race – operating out of an isolated nursing home in North Wales – have been swapping people’s minds, including putting Jack into an elderly man’s body and Anwen’s mind into a batty old woman.

If you’ve heard one mind swapping adventure, then you’ve heard them all. This whole episode comes across as generic, and gets completely overshadowed by the hilarious ‘Another Man’s Shoes’. It was delightful to hear Eve Myles and Kai Owen back though, and they do get an exceptional script in about twenty releases time.

Torchwood – The Monthly Adventures

#002. Fall to Earth ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

A pilot episode is always going to be rough around the edges, but the follow-up often proves to be a lot more successful. Ianto Jones is going for a space flight… followed by a space crash!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The SkyPuncher is the first private spaceflight. But Ephraim Salt's visionary project has gone horribly wrong – the ship is falling out of the sky and there seems no way to stop it. Ianto Jones thought the flight would be sabotaged.

The only problem is… he's on board.

◆ Ianto Jones

Gareth David-Lloyd is one of my favourite performers from Torchwood, and someone who constantly manages to wow me. Very happy to report that he kicked off his BigFinish journey in style.

Ianto tries to call for help, but ends up calling Jubilee Pizzas instead; that’s not great when you’re on a crashing spaceship! He prefers the term “sky butler” to air steward. Gwen told him that flying is two moments of terror and hours of boredom… right now, it’s just terror for him. Ianto claims to be a spy, but he’s definitely no James Bond: his life is actually very dull. He works for a secret organisation, but he’s just the coffee boy. The whole reason he went aboard the SkyPuncher was to try and impress his co-workers.

◆ Story Recap

Ianto Jones has infiltrated the maiden voyage of the first private space flight. He’s disguised himself as an air steward and hopes to find some information on the Committee. What he didn’t count on was that the Committee had sabotaged the flight: everyone barn Ianto has been poisoned and the SkyPuncher is on a collision course. The only person who can help him… is a call-centre worker from Turkey attempting to sell him insurance!

◆ Insurance for a Prehistoric Beast

The idea that Ianto has to keep purchasing insurance – just to keep Zeynep on the line to help him stop SkyPuncher crashing – is utter genius, and quite funny too. He even purchases pet insurance for Myfanwy, the Torchwood pterodactyl! Gareth David-Lloyd and Lisa Zahra clearly have great on-air chemistry, and it makes these scenes all the more entertaining.

◆ Sound Design

Neil Gardner has done a fantastic job on ‘Fall to Earth’.

Alarms blare as the SkyPuncher goes haywire and starts losing altitude. The ship’s control panel fizzes before going dead. An insane billionaire attempts to batter down the door of his own spaceship’s cockpit. Hearing Ianto get put on hold whilst the SkyPuncher begins crashing back to Earth had me wetting myself with laughter.

◆ Music

Blair Mowat scores are usually very repetitive, but that’s surprisingly not the case here. I loved the melody that played once Ianto ascended above the atmosphere; really soft and beautiful.

◆ Conclusion

“I’m on a spaceship and I’m falling out of the sky!”

A haywire spaceship is being used by the Committee to ram into a satellite, before crashing it into a call-centre in Turkey. All three of these things happen to be owned by the same billionaire.

James Goss hit a home run with ‘Fall to Earth’. The whole episode is a ploy to ruin the reputation of an influential man, but it’s packed to bursting with comedic moments. The interplay between Ianto and Zeynep had me cackling throughout. Now, would you like some pet insurance… actually, maybes space insurance would be more useful!

Torchwood – The Monthly Adventures

#001. The Conspiracy ~ 5/10

◆ An Introduction

I’ve invested a fair amount of time and money into the Torchwood audios, so it makes sense that we should take a look at where it all began. Spoiler alert: it’s not very good. In all fairness though, this was very clearly a pilot for the range.

Let’s see what David Llewellyn was trying to do, and why it failed.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Captain Jack Harkness has always had his suspicions about the Committee. And now Wilson is also talking about the Committee. Apparently the world really is under the control of alien lizards. That’s what Wilson says. People have died, disasters have been staged, the suspicious have disappeared.

It’s outrageous.

Only Jack knows that Wilson is right. The Committee has arrived.

◆ Cpt. Jack Harkness

John Barrowman’s performance makes it blatantly clear that this was a pilot. He doesn’t sound all that confident with the material, but by no means is he awful.

Jack has been on Wilson’s trail for some time, but knows that he’d be escorted out if he were aware Torchwood was spying on him. He’s clearly enjoying going undercover as a journalist, trying to get information out of Wilson. Who else is walking around Cardiff wearing grey military surplus jackets? Jack claims that somebody needs to stop the Committee, and that person is him.

◆ Story Recap

George Wilson is a former newsreader turned conspiracy theorist – similar to Alex “turn the fri**ing frogs gay” Jones – but his conspiracy is very much real. Cpt. Jack has decided to pursue Wilson to discover how he knows so much about the Committee, and possibly get some information on who has been tipping him off.

◆ Tin Foil Hats

There have always been people convinced that they’ve been abducted by aliens, or that they’ve been in communion with forces from outer space – most of them living in the state of Nevada – but having one of their nut-job theories be true is an excellent idea. Shame the execution was so bland.

The Committee become prominent antagonists throughout the Torchwood audios, but they were beyond boring in this episode. Same goes for George Wilson, who was performed stiffer than a mahogany plank.

◆ Sound Design

Neil Gardner was on sound design duties, managing to do an alright job. The most notable aspect was that the intro for Wilson’s news broadcasts has been ripped straight from Command & Conquer Generals, where it was used for the Chinese News Station.

Bustling crowds at one of Wilson’s conferences, which suddenly fades out into noise on a laptop speaker. Sam chokes as the noose tightens around his neck. A ticking clock in Wilson’s room, amping up the tension whilst Jack holds him at gunpoint. A raging Committee battle around the planet Kepri 5. A shot from a silenced pistol. Police sirens in the distance.

◆ Music

I believe Blair Mowat is the sole composer for the Torchwood audios, and it really shows. Speaking as someone who has heard many of these releases, the bloke constantly reuses the same old motifs and stings. It comes across as lazy.

◆ Conclusion

“Right at the top, running everything, is the Committee.”

A conspiracy theorist has been gaining mainstream attention in his quest to expose aliens… but said aliens happen to be real. Certainly an idea that had potential, so what went wrong?

‘The Conspiracy’ features some really stiff acting, though that’s somewhat expected from a pilot. Barrowman is usually oozing with confidence, but he does improve the more of these stories he records.

I love the idea of a conspiracy nut being proven right, but the execution lacks sparkle. It almost feels like David Llewellyn wasn’t interested in his own idea. Luckily, we all know that this range rapidly moves onto bigger and better things.

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#001. The Sirens of Time ~ 4/10

◆ An Introduction

BigFinish have been regularly releasing full-cast audio adventures for twenty-five years, and they recently announced a special edition of their very first release.

Remastered and re-edited from the original recording tapes, this would be a new “director’s cut” of the story; where the first three episodes of the original focused on just one Doctor, the new version intercuts between all of them for a more narratively satisfying experience… or so Briggsy claims.

‘The Sirens of Time – Redux’ will also feature new sound design and music. And there will be brand-new behind the scenes extras, with the three incarnations reminiscing about their first ever BigFinish recording and the twenty-five years of audio productions since.

This could potentially be another desperate BigFinish cash-grab, because lord only knows that’s happened a lot in recent years! You’re an absolute moron if you decided to fork out £66 for the ultra-limited Platinum Edition, which is why I’ve opted for the lowest tier which still includes an actual CD. So while we eagerly wait for this new director’s cut to be released, it seems like a perfect opportunity to discuss the original version of ‘The Sirens of Time’…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Gallifrey is in a state of crisis, facing destruction at the hands of an overwhelming enemy. And the Doctor is involved in three different incarnations – each caught up in a deadly adventure, scattered across time and space. The web of time is threatened – and someone wants the Doctor dead.

The three incarnations of the Doctor must join together to set time back on the right track – but in doing so, will they unleash a still greater threat?

◆ The Seventh Doctor

This incarnation was royally screwed over in ‘The Sirens of Time’, receiving the most boring material out of everyone. Aside from constructing a forcefield and saving someone from death by quicksand, he did absolutely nothing of consequence.

Christ on a stick, I’d totally forgotten how bad this performance was! Sylvester McCoy practically sleepwalked his way through the entire production: his interactions with Elenya have absolutely no chemistry, and I’m starting to wish he’d fallen into the quicksand with her! This incarnation would unfortunately gain a reputation for being the weakest performer during the early years of the ‘Monthly Range’, though you can understand why.

If the Time Lords are going to interfere in his life again, the least they could do is get a decent phone line!

◆ The Fifth Doctor

The second episode focused on the most morally righteous incarnation, and he was easily given the best material in ‘The Sirens of Time’. Trapped aboard a German U-Boat, and attempting to bluff the captain into thinking he’s working for the Kaiser himself: his efforts don’t work, but it was a good plan.

Peter Davison is perhaps the least discussed incarnation from the old ‘Monthly Range’, despite delivering consistently good performances most of the time. He really hit the ground running in this adventure.

He speaks German, or that would seem to be the case, but he speaks it like an English gentleman. Cpt. Schwieger thinks he looks like King George, expecting to play cricket in the Atlantic Ocean! The Fifth Doctor always thought it was unfair to say the Germans have no sense of humour. His grammar is out of a textbook. Schwieger wonders why an educated young man like him isn’t serving as an officer on a British warship, or leading a valiant charge across the trenches: the Doctor reasons it’s because of his flat feet. Doctor is a profession, not a name, but it’s all he has.

◆ The Sixth Doctor

One of the best incarnations is given virtually nothing to do – though I’m pretty sure at this stage, Gary Russell hadn’t realised what a tremendous cash cow he could make the Sixth Doctor into! Seriously though, why is episode three so vacuous?

Even when presented with an atrocious script, Colin Baker does his best to make things bearable. Ever the Golden Boy of BigFinish, he delivered a great performance here.

He’s more of an interloper than a delegate. If you knew him well enough, you’d know that he is hardly ever mistaken. The Sixth Doctor is far from pleased with himself. When discussing the Kurgon Wonder, he claims to have been in it, through it, and out the other side! When it comes down to it, he’s a bit of a know-it-all really; androids, Cybermen, Daleks, Sontarans, Ice Warriors. You name it, he can quote you chapter and verse.

◆ The Legendary Temperon

This adventure introduces us to a legendary creature known as the Temperon, which was distantly related to the Chronovores. It could travel in time on its own power, its body being composed entirely of temperon particles. Continued exposure to said particles caused rapid entropy, eventually turning living creatures into nothing but dust.

The Knights of Velyshaa attempted to capture the Temperon in order to conduct time travel experiments; however, the creature tried to destroy them – preferring death to enslavement – creating a temporal distortion which froze both the Knights and creature in a single moment of time. This distortion came to be known as the Kurgon Wonder.

One of the Sirens of Time manipulated the Sixth Doctor into freeing this legendary creature, giving the Knights unfettered access to the time vortex, albeit at the cost of their slow and painful deaths.

The Temperon united the three manipulated incarnations of the Doctor on Gallifrey, and later sacrificed its own freedom to contain the Sirens in eternal struggle.

◆ Sound Design

The soundscape feels relatively uninspired; shocking when you remember that ‘The Sirens of Time’ is a multi-Doctor adventure, which are usually full of grand spectacle. Briggsy’s sound design would thankfully improve as he worked on more releases.

Vansell’s TARDIS arrives on Gallifrey, setting off an ear-grating alarm. The cloister bell echoes throughout the Seventh Doctor’s TARDIS, accompanied by an ominous siren song. A crackling transmission can be heard through his console as Vansell tries to warn him of the imminent dangers. Chirruping insects on a jungle world; Seven tramples through the undergrowth, attempting to reach a woman trapped in quicksand. The quicksand squelches as Elenya is pulled from it. Ruthley uses bleeping consoles to communicate with her superiors. A spaceship bursts through the atmosphere, crash-landing nearby. Assassins close in on Sancroff, their gunfire echoing throughout the jungle. Vansell’s voice echoes through a tear in the fabric of reality, attempting to warn the Fifth Doctor about the coming destruction of time. The merchant ship is breached, attacked by a nearby German U-Boat. Whistling winds, as the Fifth Doctor dives into the ocean. A wave of temporal distortion sweeps through the starship Edifice, causing all aboard to scream as they are aged to dust! The Temperon is very clearly just Briggsy slowing his own voice down in post-production. Knights of Velyshaa pursue the three incarnations of the Doctor through the Capitol on Gallifrey.

◆ Conclusion

“All of space and time was yours for the taking, and now all you will know for eternity is subjugation…”

A species that fed on the energies of chaos have manipulated the Doctor on three separate occasions, allowing the infamous Knights of Velyshaa access to time travel… and the means to conquer Gallifrey! Stopping these Sirens of Time hinges on a legendary creature: the Temperon.

Having completed this review, I am now seriously wondering what possessed me to purchase the flaming director’s cut: this was pure unadulterated garbage, and I’m fully convinced it’s only being remade to boost Briggsy’s ego further into the stratosphere!

All three incarnations of the Doctor suffer from pretty middling material, but I genuinely received second-hand embarrassment listening to McCoy struggling with the script: he practically sleepwalked through the whole production, with little-to-no enthusiasm. Thankfully, Davison and Baker actually seemed to be putting in the effort.

It wouldn’t be until the fifth release in this range – ‘The Fearmonger’ – that BigFinish would create something truly exceptional and worthy of splashing the cash. This was an incredibly rough start.

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#224b. Dalek Soul ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

Dalek occupations exist across the width and breadth of creation: whole planets where their rule is absolute, and resistance movements struggle tirelessly to make a difference. Things usually turn out alright in the end, when a certain blue box arrives on the scene; the genocidal salt-shakers are dispatched, the populations are liberated, and another evil regime is toppled…

But what if the Doctor actively aided the oppressors, infiltrating rebel forces and convincing them to follow battle plans that would lead them into traps set by the Daleks?

What if his faithful companion was tasked with creating a viral contagion that would cause the native population to turn against each other in violent rages?

Welcome to the planet Mojox, where this is the situation at hand…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

On the Dalek-occupied world of Mojox, a group of rebels is engaged in a futile fightback against the invaders – but at last they’ve found an ally, in the form of the mysterious Doctor. Elsewhere, however, the Daleks' Chief Virologist is seeking to perfect a biological weapon to wipe out the Mojoxalli, once and for all.

Her name… is Nyssa.

◆ “Nyssa”

Nyssa has always been a talented scientist, which is an important thing to remember for many of her storylines – the majority of the “Older Nyssa” arc had her using these skills to synthesise a cure for Richter’s Syndrome – but what if these skills were used to assist the villains? Guy Adams delivered some excellent material which asks exactly that… but nothing in this episode should be taken at face value.

Sarah Sutton takes the lead in ‘Dalek Soul’, delivering a truly unique performance. There is something genuinely horrifying listening to such a moral character experimenting on resistance members, simply because the Daleks are ordering her to. You might think they’ve got some sort of coercive control over her, but Nyssa genuinely believes that the Daleks are her friends!

Killing her own people doesn’t come easily to Precuso, and nor should it. Nyssa justifies it as necessary testing for the viral strain, claiming that they aren’t Precuso’s people anymore: they stopped being that when they decided to join the rebellion. She condemns the rebels as being dangerous, violent criminals, and believes that Virus 6P84 could finally bring peace to the planet. Nyssa is the Daleks’ Chief Virologist: it’s her job to develop the virus. The Daleks are her friends, she serves them gladly. Without them, the planet Mojox and its people would be considerably worse off than they currently are! She’s a scientist, and scientists believe in hearing all the evidence before arriving at a conclusion.

◆ “The Fifth Doctor”

Imagine taking the most morally righteous incarnation of the Doctor and turning him into a sadistic cretin, who takes immense pleasure in witnessing resistance plans fail due to his own sabotage. Realistically, this kind of episode would only work with this incarnation: the others can slip into moral grey areas on occasion, so it wouldn’t have the same impact if someone like Seven started acting like this (that’s just another day in the office for him!)

There is something inherently wrong with listening to this incarnation turn into a vindictive sadist, but it feels so right! Peter Davison gets to flex his acting chops in ‘Dalek Soul’ by literally playing the villain, and he does it marvellously.

The Doctor believes that the rebels are beneath their consideration: it hardly matters if ten die, or ten-thousand! He’s a slave that’s been allowed a good deal of autonomy, because he gets things done. His loyalty can hardly be in question.

◆ A Question of Identity

Part one zones in on the concept of the Doctor and Nyssa turning bad; assisting the Daleks by laying traps for the local resistance movement, and synthesising a new viral strain to be dispersed throughout the atmosphere. You spend those thirty minutes waiting for their masks to slip – for them to reveal that this has been a grand deception in order to defeat the occupational forces – but they never do. Something far more interesting has been happening on Mojox…

You may recall that the Doctor and Nyssa were briefly kidnapped during ‘Alien Heart’. During their incarceration, the Daleks took DNA samples and created duplicates of them both.

They duplicated the Doctor with the intention of using his reputation against the rebel forces. By presenting himself as an enemy of the Daleks, the duplicate was able to infiltrate the rebellion and convince them to follow strategies that would lead them to certain death, limiting the rebels’ ability to oppose the Daleks until they were finally defeated. Unlike his template, the duplicate Doctor was also a massive sadist, taking great pleasure in witnessing the rebellion fall fowl of his sabotage.

The duplicate of Nyssa was assigned the role of Chief Virologist, using Mojoxalli test subjects to perfect a virus for the Daleks that would turn the native population against one another in violent rages. The first duplicate was contacted by Toru – leader of the resistance movement – who showed her footage of the real Doctor and Nyssa’s escape, before leading her to a facility storing thousands of duplicates. A second duplicate was created, but she soon realised what was going on, and decided to sabotage the viral strain so that it only targeted Dalek DNA!

◆ Sound Design

It’s important that sound artists know when to take a back seat, because the last thing you want is to overpower a dialogue heavy script with an abrasive soundscape – see my reviews of any adventure from Series Two of the ‘Bernice Summerfield’ range. Fox and Yason understood this, so offered up a polished yet minimal soundscape for ‘Dalek Soul’.

Two resistance members are exposed to the viral strain, with one mutating into a snarling and feral beast. Dripping tunnels beneath the Dalek headquarters. The piercing sound of a cutting laser used by the resistance members, allowing them through the vent. Death ray blasts massacre a whole platoon of rebel soldiers. Mojoxalli agents of the Daleks can be heard conversing in the canteen, cutlery clanking in the background. The distorted voice of the resistance leader, as he talks to Nyssa through an encrypted transmission. Whistling winds howl across the surface of Mojox. Viral pods detonate in the planet’s atmosphere… containing a contagion that only effects Daleks!

◆ Music

This score is far more ominous than the one used in ‘Alien Heart’, far more focused on building atmosphere. The twinkling synthesisers are used beautifully throughout. This adventure features another suite of music that Fox and Yason should be incredibly proud of.

◆ Conclusion

“The Doctor was a hero. You’re just an empty shell filled with all the hatred of a Dalek.”

The occupational forces on Mojox have encountered nothing but problems from the local resistance movement, but that is all about to change. Their Chief Virologist has been synthesising a virus that will cause the native population to turn against one another in violent rages, and eventually wipe themselves out! But Nyssa’s whole world is about to be turned upside down, when the leader of the resistance movement contacts her…

The concept of the Doctor and his companion aiding the villains is a novel one, especially when you listen to the former being a sadistic cretin and luring resistance members into deadly traps! You spend the first half of this adventure believing it to be some form of grand deception, but Guy Adams is much cleverer than that: the twist is totally unexpected, but perfectly executed.

Davison really leant into this corruption of his incarnation, infusing venom into every condescending line, as though he felt nothing but contempt for Daleks and Mojoxalli alike. Sutton absolutely blew me away with her performance, making her character feel totally cold and clinical.

While the other script bundled into this release was vacuous and boring, ‘Dalek Soul’ is a genuine breath of fresh air. Guy Adams exceeded expectations.

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#224a. Alien Heart ~ 7/10

◆ An Introduction

Nicholas Briggs rightly pointed out that TV narratives have changed a lot over the years, and that we’re used to stories being a lot quicker nowadays. The double-bill format worked so well throughout the final days of the ‘Monthly Range’ because it forced writers to tighten their narratives and cut out all the unnecessary padding.

The TARDIS crew are about to materialise inside of an abandoned space-station, infested with mutant spider-like creatures. But arachnophobia will be the least of their worries when the Daleks come out to play!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

In the TARDIS, the Doctor and Nyssa stumble across a trail of ten destroyed worlds, all of them obliterated by means of some utterly monstrous but utterly unknown device. The planet Traxana would seem to be next in line to suffer the same fate. But when the TARDIS lands on an outpost on Traxana's moon, Nyssa is carried away by a tide of giant green arachnoids, leaving the Doctor behind…

And the coming menace is closer than he thinks.

◆ The Fifth Doctor

Steve Cole spends so much time having the characters spewing tech jargon that any notion of characterisation goes straight out the window. That’s one major disadvantage with these bite-size adventures.

Davison delivers a great performance, in spite of the bare bones material he’s been given.

The Doctor is on the moonbase because he is a concerned citizen of the universe. He doesn’t work for anybody.

◆ Nyssa

Character development clearly wasn’t high on the priorities list. Nyssa spends most of the runtime plodding about in some pretty unremarkable caves.

Kudos to Sarah Sutton for not just phoning in her performance. Luckily, the next episode will give her some more meaty material.

Nyssa is described as having dark, curly hair and being terribly nice.

◆ Story Recap

The Doctor and Nyssa are appalled to discover that the planet Fel Canto has been totally eradicated from the temporal fabric of the universe: it never existed. Ten other worlds in the same constellation have suffered a similar fate. All of them erased from the timelines, with unstable matter being all that remains.

This trail of devastation leads them to Traxana, where an Earth Empire outpost on the planet’s moon appears to have been infested by mutant spider-like creatures that can naturally generate time spillages.

The Daleks are responsible for the decimated planets, for wiping out untold numbers of living creatures, but what is their endgame here?

◆ Much Ado About Nothing

Shall we discuss the elephant in the room? Nothing actually happens in this episode, and it only exists to establish the second and far superior half of this release.

◆ Sound Design

I’ve adored almost every production that Fox and Yason have worked on, which is why my expectations were high going into ‘Alien Heart’. Unfortunately, their sound design here seems rather basic: the story jumps between an uninspiring space-station and some endless caves.

The TARDIS shudders, colliding with a spatio-temporal anomaly: circuitry sparking as it attempts to avoid an onslaught of trans-dimensional shockwaves. Hundreds of “Cell Spiders” scuttle along the flooring of the outpost, dragging Nyssa along with them. Water drips from stalactites inside of the cavernous mines on Traxana. The heartbeat of a Dalek.

◆ Music

The score is my favourite part of this entire episode. Twinkling synthesisers paired with a stunningly dramatic piano track. This is the kind of quality I expect from Fox and Yason.

Interestingly, it reminded me of the music CnC Labs used in the Tiberium Wars mod, The Forgotten.

◆ Conclusion

“Greetings from planet Earth. My gun’s bigger than yours.”

The Daleks want to stop Traxana spinning on its axis by freezing the planet’s core in time, thus causing thousand mile an hour winds to scour the world down to its bedrock. Everyone would be wiped out instantly, and they intend to make this plan happen by using genetically engineered “Cell Spiders”.

‘Alien Heart’ is the second time Steve Cole has written for the Daleks and it was perfectly fine. I can see the makings of a really good story here, buried underneath stacks of technobabble. Had this been a full four part adventure, one which allowed us to see more of Traxana than its endless network of mining tunnels, then this could have been great.

This story is average, and gets completely forgotten about when you realise how good the other half of this double-bill is.

Bernice Summerfield

#1.06. Dragons’ Wrath ~ 2/10

◆ An Introduction

Series One is drawing to a close, and it’s actually been pretty damn good… for the most part: I don’t think there is anyone that’ll defend something as awful as ‘Beyond the Sun’.

This finale actually brings forth some changes and features that would become commonplace for the range; single-disc releases, and Paul Vyse’s logo for the series. Here’s hoping this will be a successful end to a decent run of adventures.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The Gamalian Dragon is a jewel-encrusted statuette captured by the warlord Gamaliel from the legendary Knights of Jeneve after the Battle of Bocaro. It is now sought by Romolo Nusek, apparently Gamaliel's descendent, to prove his right to assume his ancestor's mantle as ruler of the Sector.

When Benny joins a group seeking to find the legendary statuette, she has a secret. No one can possibly find one on Stanturus because she's already carrying it, left for her by a murdered colleague.

The trouble is, the expedition does find one and, as a result, most of them are mysteriously slaughtered. Benny realises she and historian Nicholas Clyde must discern the traitor in their midst. Could it be Gilder, the obsequious administrator from Benny's own university? Could it be Truby Kamadrich, the famous archaeologist? Or might it be the bizarre librarian Reddick, who never leaves Nusek's vaults, protected by an inhospitable volcano?

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

This episode was absolutely unbearable, and about the only thing I can give any praise to is Lisa Bowerman’s performance, which was painfully average.

Benny has seemingly been on a pub crawl, and been chucked out at 3am. She loves a good mystery.

◆ Story Recap

There was once a great battle on Stanturus Three, between Gamaliel and the Knights of Jeneve. An apparent descendent of the former is sending Prof. Summerfield there on an archaeological dig because of an interest in his dynasty’s history… but it soon turns out that Romolo Nusek just wants to destroy any evidence that claims his ancestor was anything but a hero.

◆ Vacuous Adventures

Justin Richards has written many amazing scripts: this is not one of them. Unfortunately, this episode was so vacuous and empty that I couldn’t even turn my review into a colossal rant – which is why I still got some enjoyment out of slating ‘Beyond the Sun’.

◆ Sound Design

There were significant problems that caused ‘Dragons’ Wrath’ to be delayed for a whole year. After several false starts, post-production duties were entrusted to Toby Richards and Emily Baker… who wouldn’t know what quality is if it kicked them in the shins! Half the time it sounds like the performers are recording using water damaged equipment.

◆ Music

Toby Richards and Emily Baker decided to create a new theme song for the range… and I absolutely despise it! Whoever decided to ditch the original theme for this sub-par 007 reject deserved the sack. Thankfully, the wider fandom seem to agree with me: the original theme would be reinstated by the final episode of Series 2.

As for the incidental music in ‘Dragons’ Wrath’, it’s painfully average at best, completely forgettable at worst.

◆ Conclusion

“It’s one of the best guarded artefacts in this part of known space.”

If by some miracle you managed to get through this episode without wanting to deck the people responsible for post-production, I congratulate you. Unfortunately, we’re stuck with Toby Richards and Emily Baker for the next three releases… though, that’s a good excuse to crack open the Disaronno!

‘Dragons’ Wrath’ was the first single disc release for this range, yet it somehow managed to feel like it was triple its length. The plot is mind-numbingly boring!

Bernice Summerfield

#1.05. Just War ~ 8/10

◆ An Introduction

World War Two has been the backdrop for many adventures in this franchise, including the utterly faultless ‘Colditz’. That being said, BigFinish tend to tone things down a bit when dealing with Nazis, because… some of the wartime atrocities would likely cause these audios to get slapped with an age restriction.

As previous reviewers have already pointed out, ‘Just War’ really doesn’t sugar coat the events of the war, something which really works in its favour.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

"Tomorrow belongs to us, not you. If you were really from the future, Miss Summerfield, you would be a Nazi."

The Nazis occupy British soil and British citizens are being deported to European concentration camps. Those who do not co-operate with the Germans are shot.

This isn't a parallel universe: this is Guernsey, 1941, and it's where Bernice is stranded. With no sign of Jason, she has to endure the full horror of the situation, alone and afraid.

And something, somewhere has gone wrong. The Nazis are building a secret weapon, one that will have a decisive effect on the outcome of the war – and it's up to Benny to put history back on course…

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

‘Just War’ puts our favourite archaeologist through some genuinely traumatic scenarios. Lisa Bowerman approached this material with confidence, giving one of her best performances in these early years.

Benny has been trapped in Guernsey for three months, posing as the deceased Celia Dora and living with said woman’s mother. It’s not the 20th century she knows, and sometimes she feels like she’s living in a parallel universe. War took her mother from her, so it’s only fitting that it should give her another. Benny has been all over the universe, faced countless alien threats, but surrounded by her fellow humans has made her painfully aware of her own mortality; she’s terrified. She’s actually excited when she believes there could be alien involvement here, as it means she can actually fight the bad guys and try saving the day. Benny isn’t the kind of person to kill, no matter how awful the person, but she shoots Gerhard to stop him from compromising the safety of Ma Doras. Unfortunately, this backfires on her, as it results in the Nazis executing six innocent civilians… which completely breaks her spirit. After all the atrocities she’s seen, all she wants is to be alone with her feelings, swearing to never use the Time Ring again.

◆ Jason Kane

Stephen Fewell delivers an immaculate performance throughout this adventure.

Jason has been living in the 26th century, but he comes from the 1990s… until he got kidnapped by aliens, taken to the future, and met his wife! Since the universal translator doesn’t allow him to hear accents, he’s mortified to realise that he’s been getting hammered in a German bar, in 1936… with a Nazi! His grandfather was killed during the Second World War: if he hadn’t, then maybe his own father wouldn’t have grown up into the kind of man who beat his kids. Maybes then, Jason’s sister wouldn’t have had all her fingers broken with a chisel, and he wouldn’t have had to prostitute himself – Jason has had an incredibly rough life! Don’t call him “Captain Kane”: makes him sound like a Marvel Comics character. Jason is horrified when he realises that he’s responsible for the Nazis gaining radar technology. He always corrects people when they refer to him as Benny’s husband, but he doesn’t this time… because maybe he doesn’t want to be her ex-husband anymore. It’s a sweet gesture, but one made at the wrong time.

◆ Story Recap

1941: the Second World War continues to rage across the globe. Jason Kane has already been here for five years, managing to become a spy for the Royal Air Force whilst waiting for any sign of his ex-wife.

Prof. Summerfield has only been on Guernsey for three months, yet she already feels like she’s aged decades from the climate of fear.

The Nazis are constructing a secret weapon on the island, one that would win them the war, changing the entire course of human history… and it’s all Jason’s fault!

◆ Horrors of War

‘Just War’ doesn’t shy away from showcasing the horrors of the Second World War, it doesn’t sugar coat the atrocities committed in the name of the Third Reich. It’s also a story that focuses on character, specifically how our two protagonists react to the horrors – more-so Benny, who ends up being violently tortured!

I’m keeping this section of the review rather short, because this is an episode where you’re best diving in with as little knowledge as possible.

◆ Sound Design

‘Just War’ is the final BigFinish adventure that Harvey Summers did the sound design for, and he did an excellent job. The soundscape really helps to showcase just how brutal the situation on Guernsey is.

A bustling bar in 1930s Germany with old fashioned swing music playing from a nearby gramophone. Benny attempts to drive an armoured German car to safety, whilst being fired at by Nazi soldiers, and then she crashes the car causing it to explode! Six civilians have a bullet put in their skull by the soldiers as punishment for Benny’s act of rebellion. There’s a fantastic aerial dog fight towards the end of this adventure, where Benny and Jason attempt escape in an experimental aeroplane.

◆ Conclusion

“If the Germans succeed first, they’ll win the war!”

Many atrocities were committed by the Nazis during WW2, and Lance Parkin makes no attempts to mollycoddle you: this script just showcases the horrifying nature of their activities, which makes for a brutal listen.

I genuinely felt like I had a ball stuck in my throat listening to this adventure, especially following the execution scene. This is a superbly well-written story, but one that’s so dark and visceral that it’ll stay in your mind for quite some time.