PalindromeRose’s Reviews

Review of Retail Therapy by PalindromeRose

15 January 2025

This review contains spoilers!

Doctor Who – The Ninth Doctor Chronicles

#1.04. Retail Therapy ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

Has anyone else noticed that you never hear anything about AVON anymore? I have distinct memories of my nanna being a representative for them when I was a little kid, and that my mam would sometimes drop the parcels off for her. I could never see the appeal of working for a pyramid scheme barely disguised as a cosmetics brand, especially not now; they’re still operating within Russia, despite sanctions placed on said nation after the 2022 invasion of Ukraine.

Some people believe they have a keen eye for scams and can’t be fooled. Ironically, this is why so many people still fall for pyramid schemes; their overconfidence can lead to them dismissing warning signs, assuming they’re immune to falling victim to fraud.

If only somebody had told Jackie Tyler this: she might not have launched an alien invasion from her sitting room…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Jackie Tyler is a success. Every home should have a Glubby Glub, and Jackie is star saleswoman on the Powell Estate. At last, she’s found her calling and it's only a matter of time before she can give Rose the life she deserves. But the Doctor isn't impressed. Jackie Tyler isn't just filling peoples’ houses with useless clutter. He believes she’s launching an alien invasion…

◆ The Ninth Doctor

James Goss is one of the most popular writers working on the audio adventures, and is practically running the Torchwood side of things. It astounds me that ‘Retail Therapy’ is his first and only time writing for the Ninth Doctor, because his characterisation is absolutely on point: his dialogue certainly got a fair few laughs out of me! It’s clear that the Doctor either struggles with social niceties, or just doesn’t have the patience, and that’s always the vibe he gave off in Series One.

People were dragging Briggsy’s name through the mud when the trailer for this set dropped, because they thought his impersonation was utterly dreadful! I’ve been fairly harsh on him myself, but he’s been steadily improving throughout these four episodes. That’s why I can happily say that Briggsy delivers a fantastic performance in ‘Retail Therapy’. If the quality was always this high, then I actually wouldn’t mind another series of adventures featuring “Briggleston”.

He isn’t an emergency service for mothers. The Doctor hasn’t seen the Tardis laundry for a while; he thinks it might be sulking. He hates being teased. Humans have got such limited hearing, he’s not surprised that dogs take pity on them. Trouble is what the Doctor’s good at, though Jackie claims that he’s hardly Clint Eastwood! He’s got nothing against the odd knick-knack, somewhere he’s got a room full of snow globes, but the Glubby Glubs are just a bit odd.

◆ Rose Tyler

Rose becomes something of a supporting character in ‘Retail Therapy’. I honestly don’t mind her being treated as such, because she still receives some excellent dialogue and moments with her mother. It’d be magnificent though if Goss could write something where Rose was the focal point; possibly even an episode of ‘The Dimension Cannon’.

Credit where credit is due: this was a fantastic performance from our Briggsy. I’m confident in saying that he’s mastered his Billie Piper impersonation, and I wouldn’t mind hearing it again.

Just because the Glubby Glubs are pink and weird, doesn’t mean they’re alien. Rose just thinks they look tacky. She thinks it’s nice to see her mum having a project, being a success, even if it is just flogging stuff to the neighbours.

◆ Jackie Tyler

Jackie has always been one of the most likeable characters. A single mother from a working class background, she’s always tried her hardest to give her daughter a good life. She also has bundles of attitude and can deliver an impressive slap when needed! ‘Retail Therapy’ is one of the greatest episodes for Jackie. The reasons she gives for signing up to be a Glubby Glub representative are really sweet too; she’s been saving up money in the hopes of buying a place in the Costa del Sol, so that Rose has somewhere nice to visit when she comes home from her travels.

I don’t think anybody will be surprised that Camille Coduri steals the show here. I’m convinced this script was tailor made to play to her strengths, because all her dialogue is jam-packed with attitude and emotion. Whilst I do agree that she has been a tad overused in recent years – even making an appearance in that dire ‘Doom’s Day’ release – nobody puts on a show quite like her.

Jackie has just sold thirty Glubby Glubs: they’re the latest craze, and she can’t flog enough of them! Everyone has been telling Jackie how good she looks. It says on the Glubby Glub packets that they make you feel a million dollars, and they do. She’s been sleeping brilliantly, and she could swear she looks five years younger. Jackie doesn’t want the Doctor to be right; she hates it when he’s right. Mums have a role in life, they protect their daughters, and when they meet a man they watch them like hawks: they may like them, they may just put up with them, but they watch them and they know what to expect. The Doctor is different. He is offering Rose everything Jackie never could. She made ends meet: there were birthday presents, and the Christmas club, and so on. But travel, adventure, and exotic holidays? Forget it. Jackie’s whole life has been about making do, and the Doctor just turns up like he doesn’t care and takes Rose everywhere, gives her everything; he doesn’t even do what Mickey does and be nice to her face, and roll his eyes behind her back. She is nothing to the Doctor, and he makes that so clear to her.

◆ Overpriced, Alien Knick-knacks

Some of you might remember that two talentless YouTubers released a series of energy drinks, which immediately took the nation by storm. Speaking as somebody who works in retail, I saw customers trying to grab as many bottles of the stuff as possible; it became so chaotic that the company eventually had to limit sales to one bottle per person! It only took two years, but the hype surrounding PRIME has finally died out… probably because everyone realised that the taste is like swallowing perfume!

The point I’m trying to make is that everybody wants in on the latest fad, and the Glubby Glubs were no different. The easiest way to describe them was as eggs that were pink and squishy: the Doctor theorised that they were designed to be deliberately inoffensive, and that they were the vanguard of some alien invasion. Whilst they were based on extraterrestrial technology, they were actually manufactured by a corporation on Earth.

Glubby Glubs induced a feeling of relaxation, as well as drowsiness and memory loss, because they stole the energy from those who bought them and passed it on to the seller. Rather worryingly, they were also capable of draining the energy from a Tardis, and the Time Lords that piloted them.

Tycho Fairbank, managing director of the Glubby Glub Company, was essentially using these innocuous pink eggs as his own personal fountain of youth; explains how someone due to retire can appear to be in their mid-twenties, and be in peak physical health.

◆ Sound Design

Rose compares the Glubby Glubs to stress balls during this episode: they sound like a dog’s squeaky toy when you squeeze them, and purr like a cat when you stroke them.

◆ Conclusion

“I just wanted you to be proud of your mum, and know that there’ll always be somewhere for you.”

Every home should have a Glubby Glub. Not only are they supposed to make you feel a million dollars, but they also make you look ten years younger. It all sounds too good to be true… and unfortunately, it is. These innocuous pink eggs have been draining the life energy from every single customer, and redistributing it amongst the filthy rich! Is this just another money-making scheme, or the beginnings of an alien invasion?

This is one of the greatest episodes for Jackie Tyler. I don’t think anybody will be surprised that Camille Coduri steals the show here. I’m convinced this script was tailor made to play to her strengths, because all her dialogue is jam-packed with attitude and emotion. One of her scenes in particular was beautifully written: Jackie attempts to make peace with the Doctor over a bottle of shandy, whilst explaining to him why she became a sales rep for Glubby Glub. Her motivations are incredibly sweet and make a lot of sense.

‘Retail Therapy’ begins life as a comedy runaround, but gradually throws more and more heart-warming moments at you. I also adore that the story can basically be summed up as “Jackie becomes a saleswoman for extraterrestrial AVON.” This was a home run for James Goss, and a fantastic end to the box set.

PalindromeRose

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Review last edited on 15-01-25

Review of The Other Side by PalindromeRose

15 January 2025

This review contains spoilers!

Doctor Who – The Ninth Doctor Chronicles

#1.03. The Other Side ~ 8/10

◆ An Introduction

Cinemas are magical places that transport you to different worlds; often by assaulting your ears with loud speakers, whilst your eyes are glued to an IMAX screen. The last time I visited one was when I watched Oppenheimer with my mate Andrew, and I can still remember feeling my chair shake during the nuclear testing scenes.

Cinemas are magical places filled with shadows, and become beautifully sad when they’re abandoned. But they can still transport you to different times, as the Doctor and his friends are about to discover…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Rose has invited a new friend on board the TARDIS, against the Doctor’s better judgement. But when the Time Lord tries to take his unwelcome guest home, a temporal tsunami cuts the journey short. The travellers find the source of the disturbance inside an abandoned cinema. Will Adam Mitchell help or hinder when the Doctor and Rose discover what is lurking on the other side of the screen?

◆ DISCLAIMER

Bruno Langley became a convicted criminal only a couple of months after this story was released, which is why I’m separating the art from the artist whilst writing this review.

◆ The Ninth Doctor

Someone has finally written this incarnation well, after two lacklustre episodes that bored me into a coma! One of the high points from this episode was the banter between the Doctor and his companions; you could easily imagine the lines being written for Eccleston.

Briggsy has finally gotten to grips with this impersonation and manages to deliver a pretty good performance.

Nine is the Doctor’s lucky number. 1922 is a lot slower than he remembers it.

◆ Rose Tyler

Rose has been given a fair amount of material in ‘The Other Side’, including being swept backwards in time to the 1920s, when the cinema was a busy little dance hall. Handcock does a great job with her.

I have to take my hat off to Briggsy, because his impersonation of Billie Piper has improved tenfold since the previous episode. He sounds a lot more comfortable in the role, and the accent sounds a lot more natural too. A really good performance.

◆ Adam Mitchell

It was a strange choice to bring back the “failed companion”. An arrogant genius who was promptly booted out of the Tardis when he attempted to change the course of human history; refusing to take responsibility for his actions or realise what could’ve happened had he succeeded. Adam only existed to make Rose look better, which he managed to do by consistently being the most aggravating person in the room. Scott Handcock attempts to make him a bit more likeable in ‘The Other Side’, and gives him a chance to actually impress the Doctor.

Langley’s performance is honestly the best of the episode, a fact which leaves a really bitter taste in my mouth for pretty obvious reasons.

He really has to work harder at the questions. Twenty-four hours ago, Adam had been in a position of authority; responsible for cataloguing an array of alien artefacts, documenting what they were, and where they came from. More than that, his opinion had actually counted for something.

◆ Temporal Erasure

The Bygone Horde were casualties of the Time War that were erased from existence. The memory of them survived and they were left as echoes displaced from time on a plane of non-reality. It was in this reduced state that they banded together and became the Horde. They planned on resurrecting themselves – returning to a plane of existence – by emerging on Earth and sacrificing the human race.

I found the Horde to be an interesting antagonist, but they greatly reminded me of the people made of anti-time from ‘Neverland’.

◆ Sound Design

The voice of the Bygone Horde is rather impressive; this menagerie of low, rumbling voices coming out of the cinema’s decaying speakers. It’s somewhat reminiscent of how the 456 communicated with humanity during ‘Children of Earth’.

◆ Conclusion

“The veins that shape reality are bleeding. Once the wound is opened, we shall flee this non-existence.”

A temporal tsunami knocks the Tardis slightly off course, and the trio find themselves at a dilapidated cinema in the Midlands. Anomalies have been plaguing this site for decades, because a collection of echoes erased by the Time War are attempting to return to reality.

Scott Handcock delivers the most enjoyable story so far, in this release… which isn’t saying much, given the previous two episodes were nothing short of terrible. I was really interested in the Bygone Horde, despite their obvious similarities to the anti-time people from ‘Neverland’; they could easily return in another script and be greatly fleshed out.

A solid plot paired with fantastic performances all around. ‘The Other Side’ could quite easily slot into Series One, which is very high praise indeed.

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Review last edited on 15-01-25

Review of The Prisoner of Peladon by PalindromeRose

23 December 2024

This review contains spoilers!

Doctor Who – The Companion Chronicles

#4.03. The Prisoner of Peladon ~ 9/10

◆ An Introduction

The original Peladon adventure is one of my favourite stories from the Pertwee era; a political thriller with metaphors for the potential benefits of Great Britain joining the EU… where one of the delegates roughly resembled an octopus that had been marinaded in wasabi! It was Doctor Who having a gloriously camp time, and Aggedor was just adorable. I found the whole experience truly delightful, and was looking forward to watching the follow-up: such a shame it was excruciatingly boring!

‘The Curse of Peladon’ has spawned several sequels, across various platforms, but they never manage to be as enjoyable as the original. Scott and Wright are one of the most adored writing duos for the audio adventures; here’s hoping they can break the curse of the Peladon sequels.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

"Tonight, I am going to tell you the story of the Prisoner of Peladon, and of the time when a friend and protector returned to our planet. A man called… the Doctor."

The planet Peladon has joined the Galactic Federation, and has undergone a painful period of change. Still eager to embrace alien culture, King Peladon has welcomed refugee Ice Warriors to his world – innocent creatures that are fleeing the New Martian Republic.

But, as an old friend returns to the capitol, there is murder in the refugee camps. Could the truth lie in an ancient legend?

◆ King Peladon

Something of a departure from the norm of this range, Scott and Wright reunite us with the monarch of Peladon. Five years have passed since his world joined the Galactic Federation, and he’s become a much stronger ruler in a short amount of time. Now he’s got a new challenge to face: an influx of refugees escaping from the carnage of the Martian Civil War. Peladon was something of a wet weekend during his first appearance, so I really appreciate some writers taking the opportunity to give him some depth.

When your voice is as rich as freshly baked chocolate fudge brownies, your narration will be outstanding: I was hanging off of every word. David Troughton easily resurrects his character for audio, though gives him a more mature edge than what we saw in ‘The Curse of Peladon’. The only aspect of his performance I couldn’t take seriously was his Alpha Centauri, which sounded a bit like Mort from the Madagascar films.

When King Peladon was a boy, he would lay awake in his royal bed chamber, high up in the Citadel, long after the torches had burnt their last before dawn. He would listen to the wind and the rain howl and lash against the stone walls; he felt safe and warm under the heavy furs of his bed, knowing Aggedor had watched over him into the night. Sometimes, he thought he heard voices on the wind: people calling out. His mother and father found him, more than once, wandering the Citadel in his night clothes looking for the poor lost souls seeking shelter… but they were never there. Now he is older – perhaps not wiser, but definitely older – and he still finds himself listening to those voices on the wind, because the ruler of a planet must always listen. He must listen to his people; he must listen to his High Priest and his Chancellor; above all, he must listen to his heart and trust that it will guide him to do the right thing. King Peladon knows that nothing is constant: for years he’d known nothing but the Citadel – living an ordered, pre-destined life of privilege – but when the Federation came to Peladon, it brought with it a whole universe. The endless flux of shifting alliances within the Federation worlds never ceased to amaze him. It was this flux that brought the Martian refugees to his planet; refugees fleeing a violent and terrible military uprising on their home world. King Peladon admires the Martian people; fierce, proud, and resilient.

◆ The Third Doctor

This episode takes place a short while after the heartbreaking departure of Jo Grant, and we find the Doctor calling in on an old friend. Scott and Wright have done an excellent job with the characterisation here. I honestly wish we’d gotten something similar to this episode in place of that monstrous bore… sorry, I meant ‘The Monster of Peladon’.

Despite sounding an awful lot like a different incarnation – his father was the Second Doctor, after all – David Troughton expertly captures the essence of Pertwee.

The same careworn face, the same piercing eyes. The Doctor had come and gone like the ghost of Aggedor during the planet’s greatest time of need, yet here he was, this almost mythical figure to the people of Peladon. When asking the Doctor about Princess Josephine of Tardis, Peladon can see there is a sorrow weighing heavy on his heart when he admits that she’s moved on. When you have a nose like his, it’s wise to follow it sometimes! The Doctor could never resist a locked door, but sometimes the oldest and simplest of locking mechanisms can foil even the sonic screwdriver. King Peladon believes that destruction hangs over him like a broiling cloud, and he seems to revel living in its shadow. At least before, he had someone to keep him in check. Perhaps that’s why he looked so upset when the King asked after Jo: perhaps he realised that he needs someone like her, with heart, to keep him from going too far.

◆ Story Recap

Peladon had seen a time of great change: it had been five years since the planet was accepted into the Galactic Federation, and they had flourished. Their world was no longer regarded as a backwater rock, but as a strong and credible voice in the chaotic arena of the Federation Council. It had been a long struggle, and they had given much of themselves as a people, but King Peladon still passionately believes, to this day, that they have gained much more.

New Mars has recently experienced a violent and terrible military uprising, with many refugees seeking sanctuary on other Federation worlds. It was believed that the Martian Royal Family had been executed, but one of them survived, and has been tracked to Peladon.

Princes Lixgaar has been hidden away until safe passage to Galactic Federation headquarters can be arranged… but hidden by who? With forces loyal to the Grand Marshall rapidly closing in, can the Doctor and King Peladon save the last remaining heir to the Martian throne?

◆ Humanitarian Crisis

‘The Curse of Peladon’ managed to balance being a political thriller with having a camp old time, but this episode focuses a lot more on the former. Scott and Wright have created a world struggling with a refugee crisis, and a monarch doing everything in his power to accommodate those fleeing from the bloody revolt on New Mars.

This episode features some quite harrowing imagery; a Martian mother is slaughtered whilst trying to protect her young. A refugee camp has been established on Mount Megeshra, but it’s clearly meant as a temporary measure. Fighting and unrest have already broken out between Pel separatists and the poor unfortunates with no choice but to remain in the camp. Scenes like this serve as a harsh reminder of the ongoing humanitarian crisis in Palestine; fifteen years after this episode was released, and it’s taken on a new sense of poignancy.

◆ Sound Design

The Citadel: a Gothic castle built into the mountainside, constantly battered by violent thunderstorms. It’s one of the most recognisable locations from the original Peladon stories, and one Toby Hrycek-Robinson had me visualising in seconds!

◆ Conclusion

“Many still called the Martians Ice Warriors. A xenophobic throwback to a violent heritage: a heritage some sought to resurrect.”

New Mars has recently experienced a violent and terrible military uprising, with many refugees seeking sanctuary on other Federation worlds. It was believed that the Martian Royal Family had been executed, but one of them survived, and has been tracked to Peladon.

The performances in this episode are excellent: I think Nicholas Briggs deserves a round of applause for playing all the Ice Warriors, whilst giving each one their own identity. Then you’ve got the man whose voice is as decadent as a black forest gâteau! Troughton had me hanging off of his every word, especially during the opening scenes when King Peladon was recounting his tale.

The ‘Gallifrey’ range is the worst example of a political drama: it was drier than the Atacama Desert! On the flipside, Scott and Wright have managed to create something truly gripping for our return trip to Peladon, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I might have even convinced myself to purchase the 2022 ‘Peladon’ set…

PalindromeRose

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Review last edited on 23-12-24

Review of The Vienna Experience by PalindromeRose

14 December 2024

This review contains spoilers!

Vienna

#2.03. The Vienna Experience ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

Imagine you’re in a car and you see a pedestrian crossing the road, and a bus is travelling at speed towards the crossing. Suddenly you realise the driver hasn’t seen the pedestrian and could cause an accident, so you bray on the horn. How did you make that split-second decision? A scientific study carried out at the Action Prediction Lab suggests that you automatically put yourself in the bus driver’s shoes and saw the scene through their eyes.

Being able to see the world from another perspective is a valuable life skill: it helps us to empathise with people, and work out what they’re thinking. It could also make for an immersive cinema experience like no other, something I’m sure that the disgustingly rich would pay through the nose for!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Ever wanted to experience the life of an assassin? Longed to feel the thrill of the hunt? Now is your chance to get beneath the skin of Vienna Salvatori. See what she sees. Hear what she hears.

And pray she never finds out.

◆ Vienna Salvatori

Jonathan Morris does a great job at explaining why our impossibly glamorous bounty hunter has been acting as a copper for this entire series. Vienna is also afforded some excellent material generally throughout this finale, which is only to be expected: it’s been written by the man who created her. The idea of seeing the world through Vienna’s eyes sounds equal parts thrilling and traumatising; immerse yourself as a contract killer working on the right side of the law! Then you reach the half-way mark and have the rug pulled from under your feet. Something isn’t quite right with our resident assassin…

‘The Vienna Experience’ sees Chase Masterson firing on all cylinders. Not only is she playing the assassin we all know and love, she also turns her hand to voicing a psychotic shape-shifter undergoing an identity crisis; the very same creature who caused so much trouble for Vienna at the beginning of this series. An immaculate performance.

Vienna is – or was – an intergalactic assassin and bounty hunter. She had this endearing notion that her identity was a secret. Well, not to those with unlimited financial resources like Van Meyer. But money is merely a means to an end. It allows us to buy what we desire, and Van Meyer desired Vienna: his own deadly, beautiful toy to play with. Vienna is not for sale, but her services are very much a purchasable commodity. She’s not interested in being a cop. Her skills are precisely what Crime Corps needs; she is resourceful, intuitive, and according to her reputation, she will stop at nothing to get her man! Before joining Crime Corps, Vienna freelanced as a “private bringer of justice.” Now she’s on a payroll with a steady job, her own apartment, even her own pension plan!

◆ Big Brother is Watching You

Imagine being able to see the world through someone else’s eyes, and then marketing it as the latest innovation in immersive cinema. It would likely be reserved for the disgustingly rich, but they would pay handsomely to experience the thrill of being an influential politician, a pop star, or even an assassin.

Some people would be happy enough with the adrenaline rush they receive from spying on someone with an adventurous lifestyle, but others would want more. Jonathan Morris could’ve easily taken this concept down a much more disturbing route, but smartly decides to only reference the more explicit and downright creepy aspects of the immersive array: the implants are never switched off, which essentially means someone could always be watching you. That is absolutely horrifying!

◆ Human 2.0

The Brookstein Institute is a clandestine operation turning innocent people into super-human killing machines. They are provided with a regular supply of experimental subjects by body sharks; they kidnap people from the Undercity and sell them to the Institute. The Psycho Morph was one of their experiments gone wrong: it developed psychopathic tendencies and escaped from their high-security facility.

Van Meyer has been secretly funding the Brookstein Institute and taking a vested interest in their work. He believes that the super-humans could be used as the ultimate law enforcement officers. Naturally, they would be under the exclusive control of Crime Corps: it would certainly give them one hell of a business advantage! Cops faster, stronger, and more able to withstand pain than the competition. “Human 2.0” is the title given to the experimental subjects, the boffins at the Institute clearly viewing them as the next stage of human evolution.

◆ Sound Design

Van Meyer has invited his most wealthy friends and business associates to take part in his immersive cinema experience; to view the world through the eyes of his own tame assassin. Scenes of daring action are promised, and the sound design certainly delivers that.

A prison transport gets rammed off the road in a fury of screeching tyres and shattering glass, before the back doors are wrenched open by two unknown assailants.

◆ Conclusion

“Recordings of Vienna’s previous missions are available.”

Imagine being able to see the world through someone else’s eyes, and then marketing it as the latest innovation in immersive cinema. It would likely be reserved for the disgustingly rich, but they would pay handsomely to experience the thrill of being an influential politician, a pop star, or even an assassin…

I haven’t got a particularly exciting life – most of my time nowadays is spent rewatching episodes of Helluva Boss, or writing reviews – but the thought of someone watching my every move for entertainment horrifies me. It’s the ultimate breach of privacy, but some shady politicians would quite happily utilise a system like this to watch over the general public. Jonathan Morris deserves kudos for tapping into such a disturbing idea.

Crime Corps have been a dominating presence throughout this series, but their managing director has finally decided to show himself. A profiteering capitalist, who manipulated Vienna into joining his organisation, it doesn’t take long for you to realise that Van Meyer is a vile human being; an incredibly sleazy one too, based on some of the comments he makes about our resident assassin. It’s almost a shame that he gets killed off, because Nigel Carrington was excellent in the role.

‘The Vienna Experience’ then: an episode that featured a truly horrifying concept, alongside some spectacular performances. Whilst I still believe that the first series was stronger overall, this was a fantastic finale.

PalindromeRose

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Review last edited on 14-12-24

Review of Underworld by PalindromeRose

14 December 2024

This review contains spoilers!

Vienna

#2.02. Underworld ~ 4/10

◆ An Introduction

A Sherlock is nothing without his Watson: someone who complements a detective’s natural skills, counterbalances their fatal flaws, and isn’t afraid to call them out when they cross a line.

Patrons of a restaurant have turned violent; baying for the blood of a small time criminal, who was previously star-witness in a case against a local mob family. Detective Guy Wilkes lost his life during the case, and his partner’s life changed forever.

Lieutenant Reagan now finds herself paired up with Crime Corps latest security consultant: the impossibly glamorous Vienna Salvatori. Unfortunately, they’re about to uncover a conspiracy surrounding the supposedly deceased Wilkes…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Something bad is lurking down in the Undercity. Innocent citizens are turning on each other, baying for blood. Vienna must team up with jaded cop Lieutenant Jexie Reagan.

She’s never had a partner – but will either of them make it through the night alive?

◆ Vienna Salvatori

Our faithful bounty hunter spends this episode spouting reams of exposition, and almost all of it is devoid of personality! I never want to appear like I’ve got a vendetta against a writer, but everything I’ve heard from Cavan Scott lately has been underwhelming, and this is no different. Vienna has always been one of the most charismatic characters in the BigFinish roster: if you manage to make her boring, then something is seriously wrong.

Aside from a scene where she goes on a rampage with a chainsaw, Chase Masterson sounded bored throughout ‘Underworld’. This range has never been lacking in excitement, so I’m really disappointed that we’ve finally reached a dud.

Since they’re working together, Jexie can call her Vienna; she wont get killed for it.

◆ Jexie Reagan

‘Underworld’ spends its runtime establishing a backstory for our new sidekick, but immediately starts ripping it to shreds by showing that her dead former partner has actually been alive and well in the Undercity. Jexie then discovers that said former partner was a crooked cop: getting over that betrayal could’ve been used as a key element of the character, but Scott doesn’t seem interested in having us empathise with her. Put simply, I cannot bring myself to care about Jexie, because she currently has no personality.

I was pleased as punch to discover that Sam Béart became a main member of the ‘Vienna’ cast from this episode onwards, but was incredibly let down when I heard THAT accent: she manages to sound like every New Yorker stereotype melded into one! Deeply disappointed, because I know what this amazing actress is capable of, having heard her performances as Orr in the Torchwood audio adventures.

◆ Thin Blue Line

‘Ashes to Ashes’ is one of my favourite shows, so it would be fair to say that I’m partial to the odd police procedural. One of the reasons that show works is the dynamic between the two regulars: Alex is constantly butting heads with Gene, because she tries to be logical, whilst he charges in like a bull in a china shop. They develop a great rapport over the course of three series, that blossoms into a beautiful friendship by the final episode. Even when the human embodiment of Satan tries to tear them apart – that seriously happens, just look up DCI Jim Keats – they bounce back stronger than before.

The dynamic between our two regulars in ‘Underworld’ is very different. I genuinely don’t feel a connection between Vienna and Jexie; it would be like if two complete strangers got trapped in a lift with each other. They’ve got nothing in common, which generates an excruciatingly awkward atmosphere.

I’m sure you’re all expecting me to discuss the plot of this episode now, but it’s basically just your generic “bent copper” storyline, so why should I actually bother?

◆ Sound Design

It’s common knowledge that the wealthy build their cities on the backs of the poor, so I had hoped that Nigel Fairs would provide a vivid cyberpunk soundscape for the Undercity. I really shouldn’t have got my hopes up.

I fully expected to be immersed in a warren of squalid alleyways; somewhere the criminal classes cause unabated chaos, and ordinary people will do anything just to survive. Unfortunately, the sound design for this episode is painfully generic.

◆ Music

A previous reviewer has already mentioned the obnoxious bass drum which routinely interrupts the episode: it sounds like it was played through a megaphone at times, easily drowning out the dialogue.

I would say the atrocious mixing is what ruined the score for me, but it was honestly just bland! I’m really starting to miss those grandiose musical numbers Howard Carter did for the first series.

◆ Conclusion

“Lieutenant, I’m standing in a cupboard!”

A police procedural with a wafer thin plot, concerning police corruption in a seedy part of town. I don’t think anybody will be surprised if I said Cavan Scott had delivered the first major dud in this range.

I suppose you could argue that the whole purpose of this episode was to expand on the relationship between Vienna and her new partner, but it failed at that too. Jexie is severely lacking a personality, and Béart decided to make her into every possible New Yorker stereotype: I half expected to hear her shout “Hey! I’m walkin’ here!”

I can only praise ‘Underworld’ for one thing: it allowed me to speak about my favourite police procedural.

PalindromeRose

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Review last edited on 14-12-24

Review of Tabula Rasa by PalindromeRose

14 December 2024

This review contains spoilers!

Vienna

#2.01. Tabula Rasa ~ 9/10

◆ An Introduction

Hotels can be disorientating; an endless network of samey corridors, which make you feel like you’re traversing a well-decorated ant’s nest! You might occasionally see a member of housekeeping tidying up a room, maybes even other guests in the same predicament you are, but the corridors are often as silent as the grave.

I went to a spa hotel with my ex-boyfriend and quickly lost my bearings… but that might have something to do with the fact that I was severely dehydrated from the sauna, and had just thrown up all over the restaurant!

Our resident bounty hunter is trapped amongst those disorientating corridors, but there are bigger problems. None of the guests can recall why they booked in, nor can they remember their own names. Deaths are occurring across this hotel and nobody knows who’s responsible… not even the killer!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Ever woken up and can't remember where you are? What if you couldn’t remember who you are? Or why there’s a dead body outside your door?

Vienna Salvatori is hunting for a killer – but can she be sure it’s not herself?

◆ Vienna Salvatori

James Goss makes this an excellent jumping on point for new listeners, because our resident bounty hunter spends most of the runtime suffering from memory loss. Vienna has woken up in a hotel surrounded by amnesiacs, but that wont stop her trying to discover why corpses are appearing in the corridors.

Chase Masterson puts on an excellent show in ‘Tabula Rasa’. Herself and Harry Ditson get some fab scenes where their characters are bickering with each other; trying to figure out whether they’re a married couple, or just some catty one-night stand! There’s clearly a lot of chemistry between these performers, which makes me sad that Ditson’s character is a one-and-done.

Vienna doesn’t like the idea that she could’ve woken up next to a lunatic. It would also mean she had terrible taste in men; overweight and mad. Even if she’s lost her mind, she would like to think she kept her standards up. She’s never cared for cops. Vienna thinks personality hotels are only used by idiots: if you don’t like your life, fix it. Don’t run away from it. If you wanna be a film star, work hard and be a film star. Don’t spend a week running round in a false personality; it’s not gonna make yourself feel better about it. Vienna Salvatori may not have money or power, but she has one big thing going for her: she always wins! She used to kill people for a living. Vienna plans ahead: it’s how she always wins.

◆ Personality Transplant

‘Tabula Rasa’ introduces us to the interesting concept of a personality hotel; somewhere you could go for a full personality reset. Guests tended to choose the personalities of someone rich and important as a break from their mundane lives, but that wasn’t always the case. You have guests like Mr Anders: the CEO of some multi-million business venture looking for a “personality downgrade” to escape the pressures that come with their job.

Personality hotels were also used for more tragic reasons. It’s revealed in a flashback that, when Police Chief Curtis discovered that his wife was terminally ill, they both booked into a personality hotel to pretend that everything was normal: that was the last happy week of their lives.

I’m fully aware that the concept is horrifically amoral, but I guarantee a good percentage of you reading this would book yourselves into a personality hotel. I would request an optimistic personality from somebody who is calm and collected. That’s basically my polar opposite since I’m a total pessimist, riddled with anxiety, and my temper detonates faster than the R101 above some French fields!

Personality manipulation has been touched upon in the wider world of Who before – see my review of ‘ID’ by Eddie Robson – but never as well-realised as this. Memory editing seems to be a common theme in this range, and I think Goss has taken it in a rather interesting direction.

◆ Sound Design

Series One featured a lot of cinematic set-pieces; a spaceship falling towards a burning star, alien lobsters exploding after being depressurised, and the arena style setting of its finale. Each soundscape was expertly crafted like a Hollywood blockbuster. Howard Carter was perfectly suited to the overall vibe of that box set.

Series Two is a very different beast. The grandiose set-pieces have been ditched in favour of dialogue heavy scenes, featuring a lot of world-building and character development. In terms of scale, this run of episodes feels less Star Wars and more Judge Dredd.

Most of the scenes in ‘Tabula Rasa’ take place inside of the personality hotel, allowing Nigel Fairs to create quite the claustrophobic atmosphere; muffled sobs can be heard from amnesiac guests, and any one of them could be the killer!

◆ Conclusion

“I don’t believe it. You’ve just escaped from a locked room with a teaspoon!”

Vienna has to interrogate an entire hotel full of amnesiacs, before one of them remembers they’re a shape-shifting killer. Unfortunately, the AI Concierge has also wiped her memories!

Personality hotels are an excellent concept, which any writer could easily get a lot of mileage out of. You essentially get to become someone else whilst booked into the hotel; whether that be someone rich and famous, or a walking doormat bus boy, is entirely down to your preference.

Husk would definitely book into a personality hotel; hoping to relive the days when he was an Overlord of Hell, before losing his power and soul to the dreaded Radio Demon. Sorry, been watching far too much Hazbin Hotel…

It’s been nearly twenty-four months since I last reviewed anything from this range, but what a spectacular way to reintroduce myself to the galaxy’s most glamorous assassin… or should I say police officer? Don’t worry, the reasons why Vienna switched professions will become clear as Series Two progresses.

PalindromeRose

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Review last edited on 14-12-24

Review of Iterations of I by PalindromeRose

14 December 2024

This review contains spoilers!

Doctor Who – The Fifth Doctor Box Set

#1.02. Iterations of I ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

Christopher Bidmead was the outgoing script editor when Season 19 was airing, meaning he commissioned most of the stories we saw. His era was characterised by hard-hitting science and dramatic storytelling, so I wonder how he would’ve coped with a haunted house adventure.

A missing cult, an empty house full of computers, and one unimaginable foe…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The house on Fleming's Island had been left to rot. Ever since a strange and unexplained death soon after it was built, and plagued with troubling rumours about what lurked there, it remained empty and ignored for decades until the Cult moved in. As twenty people filled its many rooms, the eerie building seemed to be getting a new lease of life.

But now it is empty again. The cult found something in its corridors... and then vanished.

Trapped on the island one dark night, the Doctor, Tegan, Nyssa and Adric look into the building's mysteries, its stories of madness and death. Their only chance is to understand what terrible thing has been disturbed here... before it consumes them utterly.

◆ The Fifth Doctor

Since when did this incarnation get so sarcastic and playful? This TARDIS crew are undoubtedly known for their cattiness, but John Dorney manages to make it seem more like banter between unlikely friends. I think his take on the Fifth Doctor is excellent, especially when he takes control of the situation on Fleming’s Island.

One of the easiest ways to identify a good script is to look at the acting. If the immaculate performance Peter Davison delivered is anything to go by, then ‘Iterations of I’ ranks up there as one of the greats.

The Doctor might not know what he’s doing, but he doesn’t know what he’s doing from a position of knowledge, according to Tegan. He’s finally gotten round to reading Cranleigh’s book – Black Orchid – so will likely be in the library for hours. It’s always best adopting an optimistic approach to life, he finds: a positive attitude works wonders! Tegan believes that it never ends well when he gets curious. She also claims that even the Doctor wouldn’t bring them to a haunted house… before immediately backtracking, because that’s exactly the sort of thing he would do! The Doctor believes it can be worth paying attention to superstition, as sometimes it’s based on truth; it’s all well and good being rigid and rational, but you only need to be wrong once, and there’ll be nothing to help when the ghosts come out to play! He thinks you should never dismiss the imagination: it’s one of the greatest tools we have. He doesn’t think demons exist, at least, not in the form DeValley thinks. The more he sees here, the less convinced he is of any supernatural explanation for what’s going on.

◆ Adric

A derelict mansion that’s being haunted by a sentient number. An excellent premise, especially considering one of the companions is a mathematical prodigy. I was actually surprised how involved Adric got with the action: he took a shotgun shell to the leg, mere minutes before leaping out of a helicopter!

‘Iterations of I’ features an excellent performance from Matthew Waterhouse.

Adric thinks it’s perfectly safe for him to be flying the TARDIS, because he’s flown it before and it was fine. He states that everything in this world has an explanation: we shouldn’t be frightened of something just because we haven’t worked out what that explanation is. Adric is an Alzarian, and they heal much quicker than humans; his constitution means that he can recover from a shotgun blast to the leg in mere minutes, before jumping out of a helicopter like it’s nothing!

◆ Nyssa

Nyssa has always been a rational thinker, so it’s actually quite frightening that the i can leave her a trembling mess who is questioning the existence of ghosts. She gets some great material in this adventure.

Sarah Sutton delivers her a-game in ‘Iterations of I’.

The moment Nyssa walked through the door of Fleming’s Mansion, it was like her brain was filled with numbers and voices for a fraction of a second, then they were gone. She is unusually sensitive to certain telepathic frequencies; something must have left residual psychic echoes in the air, causing her to collapse. Aoife is angry, and Nyssa can understand why: she lost her father too, he was taken from her by someone who might as well have been a demon. It destroyed her, ripped out her heart, but she had to get over it and let it go. You never forget the pain, but you get better, in time. Believe her, revenge doesn’t help.

◆ Tegan Jovanka

Several adventures have clearly taken place between ‘Psychodrome’ and this outing, because Tegan doesn’t want to go back to Heathrow anymore: she’s finally assimilated into the team, and what an asset she is to them. I love how she takes on the elder sister role with Nyssa, showing that she really cares about her fellow travellers. Some exquisite material from Dorney.

Janet Fielding is going to be at EM Con at the beginning of next month, and I’m considering getting my copy of this adventure signed. She delivered a fantastic performance in ‘Iterations of I’.

Tegan has flown the TARDIS before and it wasn’t fine. It’s a time machine, piloting it isn’t like learning to drive her uncle’s tractor; they crash it, and there’s worse things to worry about than a short fall and a face full of cow pat! Never let the passengers fly the plane: that’s rule number one. Tegan has learnt to leave well enough alone; she doesn’t want to go back to Heathrow anyway, she’s over that now. In her experience, listening to the Doctor is usually the safest option. Tegan hasn’t kept up with the Doctor since he had curly hair and a scarf! One of these days, she hopes they meet killer wallabies, so someone else can be out of their depth for a change.

◆ Story Recap

In August 1981, several students had been offered research posts on Fleming’s Island by a mysterious cult: it was their belief that God was actually an impossibly long number. They needed a mathematician to identify the number – hence why they hired Imogen Frazer. Once they were sure, they could then speak to God and change the world!

Imogen never came home. Four months later, her boyfriend travels to Ireland and reports her disappearance to the Garda. DeValley, the local constable, offers to accompany him to her last known location… knowing that Fleming’s Island is reputed to be a place of evil.

Around the same time, the TARDIS materialises on the island… and almost immediately falls into the sea. The Doctor and his friends begin searching the nearby mansion for assistance, but walk straight into trouble: DeValley and his shotgun toting search party!

Something strange is happening on Fleming’s Island: all the cultists seem to have vanished without a trace, their belongings have been untouched since the Summer. Could they have really found God in the numbers? Or have they unleashed something far more terrifying?

◆ The Square Root of Negative One

The i were a species that existed on a plain of existence tangentially connected to N-Space. Described as being analogous to a sentient number – i being representative of the square root of negative one – the true nature of the i was virtually incomprehensible to both humans and Time Lords.

It was accidentally captured by the cult on Fleming’s Island: this attracted the i Predator to the area – another sentient number – which hunted down and slaughtered all the cultists.

BigFinish have previously dabbled with sentient words – ‘...ish’ introduced us to the longest word in existence, which had a sentient affix that consumed words like they were food – so why not sentient numbers? John Dorney has happened upon a really interesting concept here.

◆ Sound Design

Fool Circle have leaned into the haunted house vibes for this adventure. Fleming’s Island has been isolated by a thunderstorm; inside the mansion, whispering voices follow our protagonists through the corridors. The sound design is gorgeously atmospheric.

Computers print out endless streams of data for cult researchers to analyse. Martin’s voice begins to distort and crackle, as the i Predator murders him. Squawking seagulls off the Irish coast are accompanied by waves lapping against Fleming’s Island. The TARDIS materialises on top of a cliff… which rapidly crumbles into the sea! A storm breaks out on the island; rumbling thunder, snapping lightning, and it’s raining cats and dogs. Whispering voices can be heard throughout the mansion, as the i make their presence known. The whirring of a generator; fluorescent lights flicking on throughout the mansion as power is restored. All the computers within Fleming’s Mansion explode with tremendous force, flinging bricks and mortar across the island. Constable DeValley tries to make a swift exit in his helicopter – the blades whirring through the sky – before the i Predator attacks it, causing it to come crashing down.

◆ Music

Episode one is a masterclass in how to build atmosphere, but it would appear that Fool Circle have taken inspiration from the Moffat era when creating their score.

Off-key notes have been peppered throughout, reminiscent of Murray Gold’s score for ‘The Doctor’s Wife’, yet they have been seamlessly melded with synthesisers faithful to that Season 19 period. Some genuinely stunning work.

◆ Conclusion

“I think our number might very well be up…”

In August 1981, several students had been offered research posts on Fleming’s Island by a mysterious cult: it was their belief that God was actually an impossibly long number. They needed a mathematician to identify the number – hence why they hired Imogen Frazer… but she never returned home. Why have all the cultists vanished without a trace? Could they have really found God in the numbers? Or have they unleashed something far more terrifying?

John Dorney could’ve easily written a bog-standard haunted house adventure, but the inclusion of a mathematical foe cements this firmly within the Bidmead era. These creatures are so abstract that their true nature cannot be comprehended by humans or Time Lords, which makes the i – and the Predator that hunts them – all the more fascinating. BigFinish have dabbled with sentient words before, so why not sentient numbers?

Peter Davison was easily the stand-out performer in this adventure: you can tell he absolutely adores working with his original roster of companions. Speaking of which, they were all on top form as well.

‘Iterations of I’ puts the creativity back into haunted house stories, and I would happily call it one of the best Fifth Doctor audio adventures out there. John Dorney once more proving why BigFinish hold him in such high regard; magnificent work!

PalindromeRose

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Review last edited on 14-12-24

Review of Psychodrome by PalindromeRose

14 December 2024

This review contains spoilers!

Doctor Who – The Fifth Doctor Box Set

#1.01. Psychodrome ~ 9/10

◆ An Introduction

I still remember the days when BigFinish box sets were reserved for special occasions, not counting McGann’s factory of releases. The Fifth Doctor had been coasting along nicely, with a handful of sublime monthly adventures – stories such as ‘The Emerald Tiger’ and ‘The Kingmaker’ – but something was missing…

I still remember the days when BigFinish box sets were reserved for special occasions, and there is nothing more special than reuniting the Season 19 TARDIS team!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Shortly after surviving the perils of Logopolis, Castrovalva and the machinations of the Master, the new Doctor and his new crew could be forgiven for wanting to take a breather from their tour of the galaxy. But when the TARDIS lands in a strange and unsettling environment, the urge to explore is irresistible... and trouble is only a few steps away.

The world they have found themselves in is populated by a wide variety of the strangest people imaginable – a crashed spacecraft here, a monastery there, even a regal court. And not everyone they meet has their best interests at heart.

With the TARDIS stolen, and the very environment itself out to get them, the travellers face an extremely personal threat. They'll have to work as a team if they want to get out alive... but can you really trust someone you barely know?

◆ The Fifth Doctor

I often hear the Fifth Doctor being described as nothing more than a wet weekend, which is frankly unfair. He remains the most morally righteous incarnation to this day; someone who holds a keen interest in science and exploration, but who always has time for his love of cricket. The show never gave us an opportunity to become properly acquainted with him, because almost every episode featured his companions arguing like spoilt brats! ‘Psychodrome’ – an adventure which is supposed to take place directly after his debut outing – more than gives us that opportunity. Jonathan Morris remains one of my favourite writers for this incarnation, and for good reason too.

I think the prospect of being reunited with his original TARDIS team must have been quite invigorating, because Peter Davison delivers one cracking performance in this adventure.

The Doctor isn’t the man he used to be, but he feels sure he has many admirable qualities that will more than compensate. He has a feeling that curiosity will be one of his defining characteristics. According to Adric, controlling the TARDIS isn’t his forte. The Doctor is scared of all sorts of things; Daleks, Cybermen… dentists! His greatest fear is that his companions lose faith in him, that those closest to him reject him. Adric believed his previous incarnation was unpredictable, to say the least; quite intimidating and enigmatic, but brilliant! That was when he was with Romana: they even had a robot dog called K9. The Doctor has always feared letting his companions down, it’s given him something to live up to. But he has brought death into their lives, he has caused them suffering, and they’re not the first; the latest in a long line. Many of his best friends have been stowaways: he takes it as a sign of enthusiasm.

◆ Adric

A mathematical genius who stowed away in the TARDIS, and was instantly considered annoying by at least seventy percent of the fanbase! Adric has always been something of a marmite character, but BigFinish have given him some amazing scripts ever since they added him to their roster. Jonathan Morris was the one tasked with bringing him back into the fold, with what can easily be described as a character study of the Season 19 TARDIS team. He receives some excellent material here.

Matthew Waterhouse was offered a role in the BigFinish audios shortly after they started, but turned down offers for many years. This was not due to a resentment of the company, but rather a belief that he couldn’t capture the youthful essence of the fifteen year old Adric at his age. Only after recording some Target audio books did he change his mind, and agree to reprise his role in this very box set: definitely a special occasion then! Waterhouse does sound older – of course he would – but he genuinely gave his all in ‘Psychodrome’, which you have to give him credit for. It was a brilliant performance.

Adric is described as being insufferable and patronising by Tegan, who also can’t forget that he created Castrovalva! He believes that the colonists’ society, which is based around rational scientific principles, sounds positively idyllic; though this doesn’t stop him suggesting that Zaria rebel against it. He is capable of many things, but not coercion. Adric’s greatest fear is one of failing; he genuinely believes he wont be good for anything if he can’t solve an equation, can’t save his friends. He stowed away aboard the TARDIS because he wanted to see a whole new universe, and he did. Adric still believes in the Doctor: he doesn’t resent him, and he knows that he’s saved whole planets! He has never for a moment regretted meeting the Doctor, and he never will. The Doctor will not abandon him, nor will Adric abandon the Doctor: he will stay with him no matter what, even if it means sacrificing his own life, because the Doctor is good!

◆ Nyssa

Having recently witnessed the genocide of her people, brought about by someone walking around in her father’s body, it would be fair to say that Nyssa has been through an awful lot in an incredibly short span of time. ‘Psychodrome’ does an excellent job at unpacking some of this recent trauma, whilst also demonstrating how she really feels about her fellow travellers.

I actually had the pleasure of meeting Sarah Sutton a couple of years back – Newcastle Unleashed 2022, to be exact – and she was one of the most down to Earth people you could ever encounter. Her performance in this adventure was immaculate.

Nyssa doesn’t think she has really taken it in yet – the destruction of Traken and the genocide of her people – but unlike Tegan, she has nowhere to go and nowhere to return to. Travelling with the Doctor is her life now. When asked what her world was like, Nyssa claims that Traken was the most advanced planet in the Union, but with the most ancient traditions: it was civilised, prosperous, and utterly peaceful… before the Master came! Nyssa was taught not to feel hatred for evil, only pity.

◆ Tegan Jovanka

Tegan is someone who really benefited from the audio adventures. They managed to make her into a fully developed character, whilst keeping all her defining traits intact: if you lost that wonderfully acerbic wit, then she would just be any other generic companion, and that just wouldn’t do! Jonathan Morris has given her some brilliant material in ‘Psychodrome’.

Janet Fielding is going to be one of the many Who-related guests appearing at Em Con, and I am very much looking forward to meeting her. She delivered an excellent performance in this adventure.

It’s only been two days since her Aunt Vanessa died, so she hasn’t had a chance to take it in. When she was small, her family lived on a cattle station, which was about as far away from civilisation as you could get. Upon discovering they could’ve landed anywhere in time and space, Tegan is far from impressed: she doesn’t remember signing up for a magical mystery tour, but they might as well see what this place has to say for itself. The Psychodrome is bringing it all back: when Tegan was a little girl, about seven or eight, her mum took her to see the Aboriginal cave paintings in Arnhem Land; her idea of a fun kids day out, but then they got there and had an argument – she can’t remember what about – and she ran off into the caves on her own. She was probably only there five minutes, but it felt like hours; lost in the dark with these paintings of crocodiles, snakes, and insects. Her mum eventually found her, after she’d screamed the place down! Then later that day – or another day, but she remembers it being that day – her mum took her to see a corroboree: a traditional Aboriginal dance which they put on for the tourists. By that time it had gotten dark, so they were all gathered round a campfire when these men appeared out of the night, their faces and bodies covered in chalk paint: they looked like skeletons, and the dance was more like they were transforming into wild animals – shaking, and making these strange noises. It was the most terrifying thing she had ever seen. For years afterwards, she had a recurring nightmare about that day; of being back in those caves, lost and afraid, with these strange white figures coming out of the dark. All Tegan ever wanted was a quiet life, prompting Adric to ask why she became an air stewardess; she wanted to travel and see the rest of her planet… just one planet, not half the galaxy! Her life has been turned upside down since she joined the TARDIS: she doesn’t even know what day of the week it is anymore. Tegan may regard the Doctor as an incompetent idiot, but her crew-mates think she is an irrational cynic!

◆ Story Recap

Shortly after escaping Castrovalva, the TARDIS arrives in a cave system, and our travellers soon become separated form each other. Whilst Nyssa and Tegan encounter an eccentric galactic adventurer and his companions, the Doctor and Adric are rescued from a group of natives by the occupants of a crashed colony ship. So many different societies in such a small area… can hardly be a coincidence, can it?

◆ The Travelling Misfits

A common complaint with Season 19 is that the TARDIS crew were all pretty catty with each other, which is understandable; the Doctor has just regenerated and is still trying to find his feet, Adric has been used as a puppet by the Master, Tegan saw her aunt murdered two days ago, and Nyssa was recently witness to the genocide of her entire civilisation! Two of them have went through a traumatic ordeal, whilst the other two are grieving. It’s not at all surprising that they’re so spiky with each other.

On top of all that, none of these people really know each other: you could argue that Adric and the Doctor have a rapport, but the latter is an entirely different man now. What this bunch of misfits really needed was an episode that took a deep dive into their characters, something to really unify them… and Jonathan Morris does exactly that.

◆ Monsters of the Id

‘Psychodrome’ is based entirely within the eponymous space station, which basically turns the memories, desires and fears of its occupants into a reality: all the characters in this adventure are based on the TARDIS crew’s perceptions of each other, which is an ingenious idea!

The team of gormless galactic adventurers are based on how Tegan sees her newfound travelling companions; Professor Rickett is based on the Doctor, Magpie on Adric, and Perditia on Nyssa. Within this group, you can really see the distorted personalities of our protagonists. The same can be said of the crashed human colonists, who are all based upon Adric’s perceptions. Take Zaria, for instance: uptight and serious, clearly based on how he sees Nyssa.

The core idea of this adventure is beautifully creative, and allows Jonathan Morris to flesh out the TARDIS crew by having them confront how they feel about each other; Adric is conflicted over the new Doctor, while Nyssa and Tegan both harbour resentment towards him over the deaths of a loved one – Tremas and the latter’s Aunt Vanessa.

The antagonists of ‘Psychodrome’ exploit these doubts, and quite literally force our heroes into facing their fears. We really needed this kind of adventure during the TV series.

◆ Sound Design

The eponymous Psychodrome has an air of the Crystal Maze about it: with various different landscapes, like the downed colony ship and the dwellings of King Magus, simply slotted into a mundane cave system. Fool Circle have done a terrific job with this soundscape.

Stones crunching under foot; calcified equipment crumbling at the slightest touch. An energy weapon is fired at a group of primitive cave dwellers. A firefight breaks out between the natives and Prof. Rickett’s group; swords are swung and pistols fired. The colony ship is filled with bleeping instruments. The royal fanfare of King Magus is accompanied by the clanking metal of knight’s attire. The Citadel collapses in on itself, as the TARDIS crew deny their doubts.

◆ Music

Something that Fool Circle have always been good at is conjuring the spirit of an era, and their score for ‘Psychodrome’ sounds like something straight out of Season 19. It’s like a beautiful slice of nostalgia pie!

One track from this adventure, titled Entropy, also manages to be reminiscent of the Portal 2 soundtrack: there is an extended mix of the track available on their SoundCloud, and I highly recommend giving it a listen. Easily one of my favourite composers.

◆ Conclusion

“You’ve all faced your fears, it’s time I faced mine…”

The TARDIS arrives in a cave-system, populated by people modelled on the crew’s perceptions of each other. None of the crew really know each other: you could argue that Adric and the Doctor have a rapport, but the latter is an entirely different man now. These monsters of the id will force them to confront how they feel about each other, and they’ll hopefully come out the other side stronger.

Jonathan Morris has given the Season 19 TARDIS crew some much needed depth, by exposing them all to their greatest fears. It does veer into ‘Castrovalva’ territory on occasion, but the performances and atmosphere in this adventure are far superior.

‘Psychodrome’ is a character study masquerading as an adventurous romp, yet it succeeds at both gloriously. I can highly recommend this story: one listen, and you’ll realise why this box set is held in such high regard.

PalindromeRose

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Review last edited on 14-12-24

Review of The Waters of Amsterdam by PalindromeRose

14 December 2024

This review contains spoilers!

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#208. The Waters of Amsterdam ~ 8/10

◆ An Introduction

Amsterdam is home to so much culture: seventy-five museums, fifty-five concert halls, and a plethora of art galleries. Its appearance in the Command & Conquer series also caused me a great deal of stress when I was younger. The final Imperial mission took place there, and the opposing factions were just relentless in their attacks!

Athena Cannons are raining orbital death on your base from the beginning, whilst the Allies wait for two Proton Colliders to fully charge up. If you don’t manage to destroy said super-weapons, just restart the mission. If that wasn’t enough to be dealing with, the Soviets turn up about halfway through the battle, and they’re armed to the hilt with Apocalypse Tanks!

Following their ordeal with a murderous lunatic from the realm of anti-matter, the Doctor and Nyssa have been reunited with Tegan. It isn’t long before her ex-boyfriend shows up… which leads to an encounter with water goblins, a renowned Dutch artist, and the creation of an alternate timeline. Oh, and did I mention that said ex-boyfriend happens to be an android?

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Reunited with the Doctor and Nyssa, Tegan joins them on a trip to Amsterdam's Rijkmuseum to see a new exhibition of the work of Rembrandt van Rijn, featuring his drawings of “Vessels of the Stars”. The Doctor is astonished to discover that they are designs for spaceships that would actually work, and decides to pop back to the Dutch Golden Age for a quiet word with Rembrandt – but the world-weary artist is no mood to help.

Meanwhile, strange forces are swirling in the canals, creatures from ancient myth, the watery, goblin-like Nix. What is their connection to the mysterious Countess Mach-Teldak – and to the events of Tegan’s life during her year away from the Doctor?

◆ The Fifth Doctor

I’m delighted that I chose to jump back into the audios with such an enjoyable little romp. Peter Davison sounds enthusiastic and full of energy throughout.

The Doctor hasn’t met Rembrandt yet. Though living a non-linear life, one can’t be entirely sure. He gets mistaken for a tour guide in the Rijksmuseum, and ends up rattling off facts about artists from the Dutch Golden Age like a Wikipedia article!

◆ Nyssa

Nyssa gets sidelined in ‘The Waters of Amsterdam’. This would usually bother me, but the character recently had a fifteen part story arc dedicated to her, so I can let it slide. Sarah Sutton still delivers a great performance.

Nyssa attempts to console a world-weary Rembrandt by telling him that his work would be highly valued and regarded in the future… but that doesn’t really help the artist now, doesn’t help with his ever mounting debts.

◆ Tegan Jovanka

Janet Fielding is afforded some excellent material in ‘The Waters of Amsterdam’. She even gets given a robot ex-boyfriend to deal with, but more on that later.

In the last twenty-four hours Tegan has seen her cousin turned into a zombie, been held hostage by an alien with a henchman which looked suspiciously like a plucked chicken, been on a wild goose chase through Amsterdam, and had her ex-boyfriend turn up out of the blue. Tegan admits that she probably wasn’t cut out to be an air stewardess; being polite to complete idiots is not really her strong point. She doesn’t dance, though she does a mean Charleston.

◆ Robot Ex

BigFinish are extremely well-known for making sure every gap in the established continuity is filled, like a plumber who got a little carried away using the expanding foam! ‘The Waters of Amsterdam’ is no exception, taking place directly after Omega’s expulsion back to his own universe at the end of ‘Arc of Infinity’. This works in Morris’s favour, allowing him to explore what Tegan actually got up to during the year she spent away from the Tardis – including getting sacked from her job as a trolley dolly, pursuing a relationship with someone who is absolutely loaded, and then kicking said boyfriend to the kerb when she realises that he’s completely lacking a backbone!

Kyle initially appears to be this fiercely attractive and charming young man, with a bank balance reaching into the millions! Managing director of his own import-export company, dealing in luxury cars, speedboats and yachts. His apartment also happened to be situated in one of the most prestigious neighbourhoods in Sydney, offering panoramic views of the bridge and the opera house. He almost appears too good to be true… and that’s because he is!

This slick entrepreneur was actually an android created by the Countess Mach-Teldak to scour the planet for other extra-terrestrial visitors. And since Tegan had picked up some harmless temporal particles whilst travelling in the Tardis, he found the perfect person to latch onto. Kyle’s whole reason for getting into a relationship with the mouth on legs herself was to gain access to the Tardis… and I’m honestly shocked that she didn’t deck him upon finding this out!

Considering what an interesting character he is, it surprises me that no writer has decided to bring back Kyle. BigFinish could definitely get some great storylines out of him.

◆ Thunder, Rain and Lightning. Danger, Water Rising.

If I were pressed to pinpoint the weakest aspect of ‘The Waters of Amsterdam’, then it would have to be the two main villains. The Nix were basically a race of goblin-like people that lived in the canals of Amsterdam, and looked almost identical to Perfect Chaos from Sonic Adventure! They lived as water-based molecules and behaved as such, meaning that they could be frozen or evaporated (hence why a fire extinguisher filled with carbon dioxide makes for a very effective weapon against them). My main issue with the Nix is that I cannot understand a word they’re saying. Instead of just adding on the water effects in post-production, the director got Robbie Stevens to sit in his booth gurgling water like his life depended on it. I’m sure that made the recording sessions incredibly fun – for everyone barn the cleaners – but it makes all of the lines absolutely incomprehensible!

As for the other main villain of this adventure, generic is the best way to describe her. The Countess is your bog-standard cackling villainess, who committed genocide against her own people and tried to blame it on the aforementioned gurgling goblins. When that lie disintegrated around her like a house of cards, she attempted to change the course of human history by getting Rembrandt to draw up spaceship blueprints because she wanted to annihilate the Nix. Her motivations are completely nonsensical and her actual plan just felt needlessly convoluted. I would expect these sort of issues from a rookie writer, not someone with a portfolio as extensive and vibrant as Jonny Morris’s.

◆ Sound Design

Trams rattle through the city as the people of Amsterdam go about their day… at least until the squelchy water monsters of death decide to gatecrash the Rijksmuseum! Martin Montague’s sound design for this release is marvellous.

The hustle and bustle of a Dutch café, and the ringing of bicycle bells as people ride along the banks of the canals. The humming of an aeroplane in flight, where Tegan gets into an argument with an arrogant businessman! Rain pouring down onto the roof of the Rijksmuseum, thunder crashing in the distance. The gurgling voices of the Nix are quite honestly rancid, like Daffy Duck with a mutated larynx! The hissing of a fire extinguisher as Kyle freezes one of the Nix. Muskets are fired at the Nix, as they attempt to access East India House.

◆ Music

Jamie Robertson is handling the score for ‘The Waters of Amsterdam’, and there is something incredibly jaunty about it. Especially during the first part of the adventure, where Tegan is basically recounting her time spent back on Terra Firma.

◆ Conclusion

“I doubt Tegan would be pleased to find out that her former boyfriend was an alien…”

Rembrandt has been drawing spaceship schematics thanks to a deranged alien countess who blew up her own race. Pursued by aliens who strongly resemble Perfect Chaos from Sonic Adventure, the Countess Mach-Teldak decides to alter the course of human history in order to blow the Nix’s world to kingdom come!

Jonathan Morris has long been revered as one of the greatest writers for Doctor Who, with his adventures consistently appearing on people’s “Top 10 Greatest Stories” lists. That might explain why it’s a real shock to the system when he creates anything less than perfect.

Whilst the adventure does tend to drag on a bit towards the end, and the villains have all the depth of a daytime talk show, I still managed to have a good time listening to ‘The Waters of Amsterdam’. It’s a fun little romp through the Venice of the North, but nothing more.

PalindromeRose

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Review last edited on 14-12-24

Review of Shield of the Jötunn by PalindromeRose

14 December 2024

This review contains spoilers!

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#206. Shield of the Jötunn ~ 8/10

◆ An Introduction

It saddens me that most people tend to ignore the final seventy-five releases of this range, because there are some genuine hidden gems to be found. That’s part of the reason I decided to delve into the Constance Clarke stories, alongside the fact I could barely remember what happened in the majority of them!

The cover art for this release put me in mind of Sonic Adventure, because the antagonists bare a striking resemblance to that big watery beast, Perfect Chaos… but it’s not flooding that our dynamic duo will have to worry about.

Frost giants are rising within the state of Arizona, and the only force capable of defeating them are a clan of long-dead Viking warriors. We’re certainly in for an interesting ride!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

2029 AD. In the desert of Arizona, billionaire philanthropist Dr Hugo Macht is trying to save the world from climate change. But his great project to "scrub the sky clean" with nanoatomic machines grinds to an unexpected halt when his diggers break into something unexpected: a Viking burial barrow containing eight corpses, a mysterious shield, an even more mysterious inscription… and a yet more mysterious traveller in time and space, known only as the Doctor.

And that's not even the strangest part of Dr Macht's day. Soon, it'll begin to snow. Soon, the Doctor and his Girl Friday, Mrs Constance Clarke, will come face-to-face with an ancient horror in the blizzard. A Frost Giant, in need of a new body. In need of flesh…

◆ The Sixth Doctor

This incarnation is well known for being obnoxious and insulting, but many people forget that he can be incredibly sweet and caring too. That scene where he consoles Mrs Clarke about the future of humanity was genuinely heart-warming. He’s getting along with his new companion like a house on fire, and they’ve only had three stories together! Whenever a writer has only contributed one script it immediately sets off alarms in my head: my first thought is usually that their one-and-only adventure was so critically panned they never got asked back, but that clearly isn’t the case here. Ian Edginton captured the Sixth Doctor perfectly! I sincerely hope he’ll return one day.

Colin Baker absolutely nailed his performance in ‘Shield of the Jötunn’. His on-air chemistry with Michael J Shannon was incredible, making every scene between them just a delightful listen. If only Dr Macht had become a recurring presence throughout these adventures.

He reminds Constance of her Great Uncle Jasper; lived alone, rattling around in a huge tumbledown pile in the country. He’d spend his days talking to the dog and taking pot shots at rabbits through the breakfast room window. The Doctor claims that’s nothing like him: he abhors guns, and as for rabbits, no creature can be that cute without an ulterior motive! WREN Clarke and himself were hoping to find a restaurant, but appear to have gotten themselves sidetracked rather. He’s relieved to discover that the tumulus is part of some scientific endeavour. When he heard “Major”, he presumed with tedious inevitability that they were about to be locked up… lo and behold, that’s exactly what happens! The Doctor knows that the human race does love messing about with its environment, for better or worse. They’d shift the world on its axis if they thought it would make them more comfortable, hence the geo-engine. As terraforming machines go, it’s a modest effort: he’s seen some the size of moons! The Doctor has never been able to find the kitchen, ever. Why go traipsing round all those endless corridors when the finest eating establishments in all of time and space are right outside the TARDIS doors? He wanted to do something nice for Constance – cooking for her – but it backfired. The Doctor admits he may have misjudged Dr Macht, and this sparks a wonderful little friendship between the two of them. He finds, as in life, that good stuff is always harder to get at. Antique and anomalous has worked well for him! The Doctor has seen more suffering than Dr Macht could possibly imagine.

◆ Mrs. Constance Clarke

Ian Edginton has given our resident WREN some marvellous material. I particularly liked the scenes where her and the Professor chucked miniature napalm bombs at the Talessh!

Miranda Raison rounds off her first trilogy with a superb performance, and I simply cannot wait to discuss her next lot of adventures.

Constance remembers, at Bletchley, the Nazis once tried sending coded messages written in ancient Scandinavian script. The thing is, she didn’t work on that project, only now she’s picking out fragments of phrases on the deus runes. Hearing just how dire the climate situation has gotten by 2029 leaves Constance feeling pretty glum about the Second World War: good men and women gave their lives, and for what? So their heirs could poison the planet? Back in the old country, her governess would tell them never to use the word nice, but to find a more expressive alternative instead. But she likes nice; it’s small, it’s warm, and friendly. Dead is dead, there’s precious little consolation to be had from that! Constance just takes everything in her stride, because she’s known people go to war and never return, or return to homes bombed out in the Blitz. You can weep and wail, for all the good it’ll do you, or you can just get on with it. She’ll have you know that she’s not a deserter! Already the past seems like a long time ago, but she could go back there tomorrow, and she fully intends to, incidentally. There are certain things she has to do when she goes back, personal matters to be dealt with.

◆ Ghosts in the Machine

You might recall that I compared the antagonists of this adventure to Perfect Chaos, but their abilities make them actually quite horrifying. The Talessh make their presence known when one of them grabs Major Da Costa, picking his bones clean and using his flesh to build themselves a corporeal form!

The Talessh were unique, a techno-psionic race. They could psychically interact with machine intelligences: imagine thinking your instructions into a computer instead of typing them. That explains how they could interact so easily with the terraformer’s mainframe.

Their homeworld no longer exists. Its star collapsed in on itself around a thousand years ago. Their expedition to planet Earth was launched to save their world from that eventuality, intending to replace their star with our planet’s Sun.

◆ Sound Design

Some genuinely stunning imagery throughout this adventure, like a snowstorm carpeting the baking hot landscape of Arizona… hiding a terrifying creature within! It’s unfortunate that Martin Montague seems to have all but vanished from the audio adventures, because his soundscape here was rather impressive.

A squawking parrot deep within some forgotten room of the TARDIS. The ship comes to an emergency stop after colliding with a whopping great pulse of Artron energy; warning lights begin bleeping across the console. Whistling winds in the Arizona Desert, as someone rams a digger through the Viking tumulus… nearly crushing the Doctor under a mound of rubble! The blizzard descends on the geo-engine, while the Doctor and Constance crunch their way across frozen ground. Something howls from within the snowstorm, before reaching out and taking Major Da Costa; it proceeded to strip the flesh from his bones, then chucked his skeleton through the roof of a Portakabin! Encountering a keypad locked door, Bryce promptly rams a giant tractor through it. A crackling fire can be heard during Herger’s conversation with the Völva. Bryce has his bones picked clean in gruesome fashion. The voice of the Talessh is actually quite reminiscent of the Temperon, from way back in ‘The Sirens of Time’. Tornados start springing up all around the geo-engine as the Talessh engineers weave new bodies from the elements themselves. There is nothing more hilarious than Constance ramming a JCB digger through a crowd of Talessh: talk about making an entrance! A napalm bomb explodes… doing absolutely no damage to the Talessh. Viking warriors emerge onto the battlefield, standing twenty feet high and ready to decimate the Talessh!

◆ Music

From the moment this adventure opened with a dramatic piano motif, I knew Jamie Robertson was handling the score. I think the only reason I cottoned on so quickly is because I’m so used to hearing his work in the continuing adventures of Eight, Liv and Helen.

‘Shield of the Jötunn’ features a gloriously dynamic suite of music, which manages to balance these tender string motifs with punchy percussion when the action ramps up.

◆ Conclusion

“Welcome to the New Ice Age…”

Discovering that their star was unstable, the Talessh scoured the cosmos for a suitable replacement until one of their survey teams happened upon the Earth’s sun. They fully intended to steal it, but were seemingly defeated by a clan of Viking warriors. Several centuries later, a billionaire philanthropist has constructed a terraforming device where the warriors trapped these alien engineers… and it’s time for them to re-emerge!

Someone seriously needs to invite Ian Edginton back to create another script, because he infused this one with so much personality. There are some teething problems – a couple of minutes could be shaved off the runtime if the pacing was tightened up – but it’s generally an easy listen.

Our antagonists are wonderfully unique, possessing the ability to interact with machines through thought alone. Despite their rather goofy appearance on the cover artwork, they’re actually quite horrifying: within a matter of minutes they can pick the bones of any person clean, then use the discarded flesh to weave themselves new bodies!

Our TARDIS team are onto their third adventure together now, and they’re both working like a well-oiled machine. Their dynamic is fantastic, though they spend a lot of this adventure doing their own thing apart from each other. This actually works out incredibly well, because the Doctor is stuck with the resident comedy character… and their banter is hilarious!

I had an amazing time listening to ‘Shield of the Jötunn’, because it remembers that not every adventure has to be deeply character focused and dialogue heavy. Sometimes you just need a good old fashioned romp, one where the companion decides to ram an enormous digger through a crowd of space engineers that resemble Perfect Chaos! This story is just like a goofy old Labrador that you can’t help but adore.

PalindromeRose

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Review last edited on 14-12-24

Review of Planet of the Rani by PalindromeRose

14 December 2024

This review contains spoilers!

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#205. Planet of the Rani ~ 8/10

◆ An Introduction

My journey with the audio dramas started nearly eight years ago, and my bank account has never forgiven me. Almost immediately, I became fascinated by one renegade Time Lord in particular: a brilliant mind corrupted, her villainy came from a mindset that treated everything as secondary to her research, including morality. Considering what we’re currently reviewing here, you’ve probably worked out that I’m talking about the Rani.

From her very first appearance on screen, the name Miasimia Goria has been mentioned as the Rani’s usual stomping ground. She experimented on the natives’ brains to heighten their awareness, which inadvertently made them restless and aggressive. That’s why she was extracting the chemical which promoted sleep from human brains in 19th century Killingworth: she was hoping to make her guinea pigs more docile.

The Rani vanished for a number of years due to her imprisonment, but now she’s finally returned home, and her favourite experiment has taken on a life of its own…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Miasimia Goria was a quiet planet, an ancient world of bucolic tranquillity… until the Rani arrived with ideas of her own.

She planned to create a race of new gods… gods that she could keep on her leash, but those plans went horribly wrong.

Now, she languishes in the high security of Teccaurora Penitentiary, consigned there by her arch enemy and old student colleague, the Doctor.

But the Rani, always resourceful, ever calculating, knows things about the Doctor’s past that he would rather forget. She wants revenge, even if it takes a hundred years… and then she has other unfinished business.

The ruins of Miasimia Goria await…

◆ The Sixth Doctor

Does anyone else find it a bit strange the Doctor is just lumbered with a substitute companion for the majority of this adventure? You would’ve expected the writers to be using this time to develop his friendship with Constance. That being said, Marc Platt does an excellent job writing for this incarnation: a definite improvement over the last time he handled the Sixth Doctor (I challenge you to recall anything of note from ‘Paper Cuts’).

Colin Baker put on an excellent performance in ‘Planet of the Rani’.

Constance is quick to reprimand the Doctor for leaving dozens of emails unanswered, but he assures her that it’s nothing to worry about: most are unsolicited interplanetary spam, easily deleted. The tiresome strictures of a linear existence are rendered irrelevant when you travel in time – it’s all relative, you know? – and missing the post becomes a thing of the past. The Rani is not the first of his academic contemporaries to land up behind bars: they were a vintage year! The Doctor always bypasses reception desks. What’s the point of a surprise inspection if your arrival is anticipated? He finds that cutting things fine is an occupational hazard. What an egotistical bunch of know-alls they were during their Academy days! They thought they’d rule the universe, he hardly thinks any nonsense they came up with then would be relevant now. The Rani thinks he had something of the genius about him in those days, before he went astray. The Doctor will meet with Raj Kahnu, but he’s not ferrying him round the universe in his TARDIS: he is not a tour guide, or a nanny, that’s Chowdras’s problem.

◆ Mrs. Constance Clarke

Any companion’s first adventure in the TARDIS should be jam-packed with moments of culture shock, with scenes where they’re allowed to take centre stage. This leads me neatly onto one of my major issues with this script, because Constance gets virtually nothing to do during the first half of the runtime. Luckily, this improves from part three onwards. During her conversations with Kahnu – the current prince of Miasimia Goria, who patrols his world from within a mechanised suit resembling an ornate cockroach – she becomes something of a soothing influence. The material is excellent, it’s just unfortunate that Marc Platt waited so long to show it off!

Miranda Raison delivered an excellent performance in ‘Planet of the Rani’. There was some obvious chemistry between her and James Joyce, something demonstrated in their many scenes together.

She can be quite persistent when she wants to be. Constance remembers her first home, in the African Bush. “Don’t go beyond the fence”, they said, but she didn’t listen… and now she’s half the sky away. Her father was determined to have a lawn, just like in England, but the warthogs kept digging it up. Constance tells Kahnu that the war back on Earth isn’t a good thing: it’s a necessity and a duty. Her husband went missing, and he might be in trouble. Their intelligence service was ready to haul her in, but the Doctor gave her a chance to get away.

◆ To Tame a Living God

Established as a brilliant chemist during her first appearance, the Rani had created a mental expansion programme intended to heighten the awareness of the Miasimia Gorians. However, the process lowered their ability to sleep and chaos erupted. The Rani came to 19th century Killingworth in the hopes of extracting the chemical which promoted sleep, but thanks to the combined interference of the Doctor and the Master, her expedition was left a total write-off!

During her many years of incarceration, Miasimia Goria fell into a state of complete social collapse. The natives wandered aimlessly and entered a torpor following the experiment, because they were exposed to the Ablative: a bacteria which reduced multi-cellular life to a comatose state. They hid under the Roof of Trees, waiting for salvation. Only one person survived the mental expansion programme, so it seemed only fitting that he would become the planet’s new ruler.

Kahnu was to all intents and purposes a living god, but also someone who felt the pain of being abandoned by the closest thing he’d ever known to a mother: the Rani. Throughout the story he suffers from traumatic outbursts which reveal he has latent telekinetic powers… but he can’t control them.

A genius inventor who realised his species were vulnerable, Kahnu crafted armoured suits for them: they resembled mechanised cockroaches, covered in ornate scripture.

◆ Sound Design

Miasimia Goria features some stunning scenery; statues of trees that resemble stacks of dinner plates, a remembrance of the great forest that once covered the land. It was a wild world before, there was harmony… until the Rani arrived. My biggest gripe with this production comes from the fact the imagery is derived from the script itself, NOT the sound design. Regular readers of my reviews will be fully aware that I’m biased towards any production Fox and Yason put their names to, but I cannot deny that this soundscape is pretty bare-bones.

Bleeping machines are wired up to all the prisoners in the Teccaurora Penitentiary, drip-feeding samples of the Ablative into their bodies. Blaring alarms as the Pathfinder Suite is prepared. Wind rushes through the suite when the Rani activates her portal back home. Security officers begin storming Teccaurora, energy weapons are fired down the cramped corridors. The prototype manned flying machine crash lands into the old hospital wing of the Rani’s palace. The clockwork gears of Kahnu’s mechanised cockroach armour click and grind as he moves. The Roof of Trees crumbles away… causing Chowdras to fall to his death. Kahnu’s foundry is a production line of flying sparks and machinery, his mechanised cockroach armour being crafted en masse. The walls of the Rani’s palace begin shifting as she reconfigures her TARDIS.

◆ Music

As any regular reader of my reviews will tell you, I’ll take any opportunity to gush over this spectacular composing duo. Fox and Yason scores have typically been a lot softer than those created by their peers, resulting in some deeply atmospheric pieces.

That’s not to say they’re incapable of amping up the drama when necessary, as demonstrated when the Pathfinder Suite is being powered up towards the end of part one: the tension is palpable as the Rani makes her final preparations to return home.

◆ Conclusion

“I am Raj Kahnu… the child of the Rani!”

Almost everyone from the mental expansion programme perished, whilst the rest of the population hid beneath the Roof of Trees… waiting for a salvation that might never arrive. The programme’s sole survivor is to all intents and purposes a living god, but also someone who felt the pain of being abandoned by the closest thing he’d ever known to a mother: the Rani. During her many years of incarceration, Miasimia Goria fell into a state of complete social collapse… but now she’s finally returned home, and she wont let her favourite experiment usurp the throne any longer!

Marc Platt is often treated to a degree of reverence by the fandom – people still treat ‘Lungbarrow’ like sacred scripture, which means scalpers on eBay can charge £80 for it without a care in the world – but I’m aware that even he can have off days. Considering how much I adore the Rani, I was expecting great things from this adventure.

Siobhan Redmond continues to impress as the second incarnation of this gifted chemist, which means I’ve got my fingers crossed that someone within BigFinish is working hard to sort out the rights issues – I’m still rather foolishly holding out hope that the Rani will appear in ‘Dark Gallifrey’.

Colin Baker and Miranda Raison both delivered some marvellous performances, though I’m still baffled as to why Constance was given virtually nothing to do for the first half of this adventure. It seems like a very odd decision to make for a companion’s first adventure in the TARDIS.

‘Planet of the Rani’ was among the first BigFinish plays I ever purchased, so there was definitely a degree of nostalgia tinting my opinions in this review, but it’s still a marvellous little script.

PalindromeRose

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Review last edited on 14-12-24

Review of Criss-Cross by PalindromeRose

1 December 2024

This review contains spoilers!

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#204. Criss-Cross ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

Radio communication was vital to both sides of the Second World War, but intercepting these transmissions was relatively easy. Armies across the planet began making extensive use of cryptography, with Nazi Germany favouring the Enigma machines to protect their top secret information.

It’s time to immerse ourselves in the world of radio waves, codes and ciphers. The Doctor has taken up residence among the boffins at Bletchley Park, and for one Constance Clarke, nothing will ever be the same again!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Bletchley Park. Britain's most secret weapon in the Second World War.

Inside draughty huts, the earliest computers clatter day and night, decoding enemy transmissions and revealing intelligence crucial to the country's defence. Leading WREN Mrs Constance Clarke directs her charges to provide vital assistance to the boffins stationed in the Manor House. But a recent arrival among the code-breakers, the mysterious Dr Smith, has attracted the attention of MI5's spycatchers…

Over in mainland Europe, Nazi agents are briefed, covert operations planned, and a German submarine embarks on a very secret mission.

As encrypted radio waves criss-cross the planet, unearthly forces stir. And when certain ciphers are cracked, something will emerge to threaten all humanity, regardless of allegiance…

◆ The Sixth Doctor

Ditching his usual coat of many colours for a more subdued tweed look, it appears the Doctor has been stranded during wartime, and his TARDIS has been temporarily disabled. I like stories which put our favourite time traveller on the back foot, because it really makes saving the day all the more impressive. Being one of the most prolific writers for the audio adventures, I’m not actually sure if I’ve had the opportunity to discuss how Fitton writes for this incarnation yet, so allow me to briefly sum up my feelings: this material is excellent!

You might find me repeating myself during these reviews, because saying that Colin Baker delivered a magnificent performance is stating the bleeding obvious at this point: he’s always been the BigFinish Golden Boy, after all! Though I’ll make a point of saying that he’s got instant chemistry with his new companion.

He’s not with the military, he sees people as more than their rank. Believe it or not, it was not the Doctor’s intention to stay at Bletchley for so long, he never does normally, and he usually avoids displaying too prominent a profile: they say his evening wear was somewhat “colourful” when he arrived. He believes it pays, sometimes, to blend in – that would explain why he ditched his usual technicolour nightmare coat. He’s simply looking for an escape from history. Sometimes he makes the most undignified exits… he says whilst climbing out of his office window! The Doctor prefers to think he’s on the side of humanity, in every sense. He’s signed the Official Secrets Act several times. The Doctor promises Major Harris that he’s been as discreet as he possibly could: all he ever wanted was to depart with the minimum fuss.

◆ Mrs. Constance Clarke

Considering it’s been three years since I listened to any stories featuring this TARDIS team, I’m essentially going in blind. Received pronunciation and a stiff upper lip could easily describe our Mrs Clarke, but she proves herself to be so much more than that. She’s awfully protective of her charges: discovering that one of them has been forced to work three shifts in a row by the Doctor, she marches over to his office and tells him what for! Strong-willed and formidable, I have a feeling that Mrs Clarke will rapidly become one of my favourite companions.

Has anyone else noticed that Colin Baker always receives the cream of the crop when it comes to his co-stars? He certainly struck gold being buddied up with the charming Miranda Raison, who puts on an excellent performance in her debut adventure, might I add.

Constance wont have any of the boffins taking advantage of her girls. Dr Smith might be new here, but he’s got the learn the rules: no double shifts, no more than two overnights a week. She assures Wimpole that she’s let no one down. These gentlemen are not all men of the world, sometimes they need lessons in how to deal with people. Constance claims that they put up with the boffins’ eccentricities because they are geniuses, but there’s no excuse for thoughtlessness, none at all! Curiosity, that’s something noted on her file, capability too, according to Major Harris. Constance has seen some things in her time at Station X, but the TARDIS? She’ll never ceased to be amazed at what Britain can achieve with an ounce of gumption and a modicum of application! She took modern languages at Somerville College.

◆ Quicksilver Soldiers

The antagonist of this adventure is really rather interesting: a creature composed entirely of electromagnetic waves. It claimed to be escaping from a war by fleeing to a longer wavelength, but this was an elaborate lie.

It could summon the Chuadri – physical interfaces which resembled soldiers made of quicksilver – to fight its battles. They demonstrated how powerful they were when they eliminated the entire crew of a German U-Boat: agitated to their component molecules, the electron bonds of their atoms were simply shaken apart!

The true intentions of the Waveform were incredibly sinister, wanting to harness the world’s population as energy. They even managed to ally themselves with an opportunistic rogue, speaking of which…

◆ Cockney Stooge

Robbie Flint used to be the best safe-cracker in Bermondsey, back in the thirties, but found himself accused of robbery and imprisoned in the Paris penitentiary. Schwartzmann, a high ranking Nazi cryptographer, had him extracted from prison due to his expertise with explosives. Flint soon found himself working for the enemy – under the alias of Agent Spark – carrying out covert operations… but there’s far more to this Cockney stooge than meets the eye.

Flint was a double agent, acting under the codename Criss-Cross, but was eventually revealed to be working directly with the Waveform. He intended on taking over what was left of humanity once the electromagnetic creature had used most of the human race as resources in their own war!

An incredibly slippery character, Flint proves himself to be nothing more than an opportunist trying to climb the food chain. That being said, I cannot deny how entertaining he was: it was a bit like imagining Danny Dyer pretending to be the lead in a James Bond film!

◆ The Turing Test

An incredible biopic was released almost a decade ago, titled The Imitation Game, which followed Alan Turing and the team stationed at Bletchley Park in their efforts to decipher Enigma messages.

I can still remember watching it at the cinema: not knowing much of Turing’s background at the time, it sickened me learning that he was persecuted for his sexuality. He committed suicide in the summer of 1954, following a year of government-mandated hormonal therapy. It wasn’t until 2013 that he was granted a posthumous Royal Pardon, for something that shouldn’t have been considered a crime to begin with.

Historians estimate that breaking Enigma shortened the war by over two years, saving over 14 million lives. Often considered the father of modern computer science, Alan Turing deserved to be hailed as a hero from the very beginning!

◆ Sound Design

‘Criss-Cross’ transports us to the principle centre of Allied codebreaking during the Second World War, where boffins work tirelessly to crack Axis cipher machines that would yield Ultra intelligence. Bletchley Park is a hive of activity, which is incredibly well-realised by Steve Foxon. There are also some incredible scenes of the Chuadri invading the park during the second half of the adventure.

The mechanical keyboard of an Enigma machine, as Flint creates a message to be transmitted via bleeping Morse code. Several clicking keyboards can be heard from within huts at Bletchley Park, where keen WRENs intercept the coded messages. An aeroplane coming in to land, carrying the latest dispatches from the Y Stations. Constance rings the morning bell before informing her charges of where they’ll be stationed today. Heavy rain starts pouring down while agents Spark and Tulip break into a factory, cutting through barbed wire as they go. The Doctor’s scanner picking up radio interference, his feet squelching through sodden ground. The Waveform makes its presence known: radio static becomes more intense as it attacks Wimpole and Agent Tulip. The Doctor and Constance uncover a ticking time-bomb, it starts ringing once the countdown is up. A bleeping sonar within Schwartzmann’s personal U-Boat. Alarms start sounding throughout the submarine as its weight dramatically increases… thanks to a certain blue box materialising in the aft hold! The voice of the Waveform is sharp and synthesised, like someone trying to communicate through radio interference. Chuadri march against the submarine crew, sending sparks of lightning through their bodies and shaking their atoms apart! A torrent of water starts flooding into the U-Boat. Dozens of Chuadri appear in the grounds of Bletchley Park and begin attacking the armed forces: an attempt at retaliation is made, but the bullets have no effect. Constance makes use of a signal jammer, the piercing noise incapacitating both Flint and the Waveform.

◆ Music

Steve Foxon has remained one of my favourite composers over the years, partly because he worked on some of my earliest BigFinish purchases, and because most of his isolated scores have been uploaded to SoundCloud.

https://soundcloud.com/stevefoxon/28-criss-cross-music-suite-2015

‘Criss-Cross’ takes place during the dying days of the Second World War, where tensions are rising: both sides are relying heavily on espionage and double agents to turn the tide of battle, and that’s something Foxon really manages to convey with his score.

◆ Conclusion

“Hände hoch, Doc.”

A creature composed entirely from electromagnetic waves has crash-landed off the Brittany coast, hoping to harness the human race as energy for its war across the wavelengths.

Matt Fitton is someone I’ve long considered to be a meat and potatoes writer – someone who creates a high volume of relatively inoffensive scripts – which is probably why this adventure left me picking my jaw off the floor.

Centring an entire story around Bletchley Park was a stroke of genius, because it becomes the ideal place to fend off a creature that communicates through signals and ciphers. The Waveform was certainly a unique antagonist, and it conjured up some gorgeous imagery in my head: these soldiers which resemble liquid mercury invading the heart of the Allied code-breaking effort!

‘Criss-Cross’ is an exceptionally fun adventure, which also serves as the debut for a brand new companion. Constance is superbly well written: behind the received pronunciation and that stiff upper lip, she really proves herself to be a formidable woman. I cannot wait to discuss more of her wanderings through the fourth dimension.

Most people disregard the latter days of the old ‘Monthly Range’, but this one is a real hidden gem that I highly recommend checking out.

PalindromeRose

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Review of Whispers of Terror by PalindromeRose

30 November 2024

This review contains spoilers!

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#003. Whispers of Terror ~ 8/10

◆ An Introduction

Calling the Sixth Doctor a controversial incarnation would be stating the blatantly obvious, but he would become the earliest success story of the audio adventures. When BigFinish reworked the character, he would receive some of the greatest scripts, and the best companions, but that’s not for a couple of releases yet. This information might tempt you into skipping his first full audio outing, but you would be missing out on something rather inventive.

People often take the sound design in these adventures for granted, but you’d certainly be paying attention if sound itself were the enemy…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The Doctor and Peri find themselves in the Museum of Aural Antiquities, where every sound is stored for posterity – from the speeches of Visteen Krane to security service wire taps and interrogation tapes. But they also find an intruder, mysteriously changed recordings, and a dead body.

Before long the Doctor realises that there is more going on than a simple break-in or murder. How can he defeat a creature that is made of pure sound?

◆ The Sixth Doctor

Considering this was written before the grand reworking of this incarnation, I’m surprised at how well-characterised Ol’ Sixie is. Justin Richards has perfectly captured his piercing wit, his stratospheric ego, and that flair for the dramatic which makes him oh-so captivating.

Even before the enforced mellowing of his character, Colin Baker had long been my favourite incarnation of the Doctor. Firing on all cylinders from the very beginning, he delivered an amazing performance in ‘Whispers of Terror’.

He doesn’t shout! People who have to resort to shouting to get what they want are merely demonstrating the inherent porosity of their argument. It’s something that he never, never does… he said whilst shouting like a lunatic. The Doctor claims to have a better sense of direction than a homing pigeon. He’s never all that helpful and forthcoming, which Peri finds very annoying!

◆ Peri Brown

Our resident botanist made pretty sporadic appearances alongside the Sixth Doctor – production were seemingly more interested in her travels with his predecessor – so it’s rather unfortunate that she spent this adventure fading into the background.

Donning the fake accent once more, Nicola Bryant steps back into her role with the utmost ease. I appreciate that she still delivered a solid performance, despite not getting much to do in ‘Whispers of Terror’.

Where’s her sense of adventure? Where’s her curiosity and longing for knowledge? According to Peri, it’s longing to leave.

◆ Sound and Vision

Justin Richards was the first person to take full advantage of the audio medium by making a sentient sound creature that had the ability to manipulate or perfectly reproduce any other sound. He also decided to set this adventure within the Museum of Aural Antiquities: an archive of every recorded sound in existence, featuring everything from government wiretaps to old broadcasts of Liza Tarbuck’s show on BBC Radio 2. Essentially, the sound creature had quite a lot of camouflage.

The sound creature in this adventure was widely regarded as one of the greatest actors of his time. He was a very private man who shunned the visual medium, working mainly in the field of audio recording.

Visteen Krane later turned to politics and eventually announced his candidacy for the Presidency. It was widely believed that he would win the election with a landslide majority and name his agent, Beth Pernell, as his running mate. However, finding her ruthless policies and ambitions abhorrent, he planned to record a speech denouncing her. Upon discovering this, Pernell had Krane assassinated… but that wasn’t the end! Although Krane’s body perished, he had earlier used the equipment in his sound suite to transfer his brain waves into the medium of sound.

Several attempts have been made over the years to replicate the basic ideas of this adventure – even the legendary Tim Foley tried with ‘Fight Motif’ – but none of them have been able to replicate the success of this original outing.

◆ Sound Design

This was the first script to really take advantage of the audio medium, which meant Harvey Summers got the opportunity to create a gorgeously experimental soundscape. Every sound and recording is stored within the Museum of Aural Antiquities, but having a sentient sound creature bouncing around the place can really mess with your head. Glitching audio tapes from a recently deceased actor, several murders, and even a spectacular car crash towards the climax of this adventure! Considering ‘Whispers of Terror’ is a twenty-five year old production, it’s aged remarkably well.

Babbling voices drift through the museum as the TARDIS begins materialising. Heavy rain falls outside while two criminals attempt to break in. Gantman claims there are shades of sound as well as light, and demonstrates this by manipulating Krane’s most famous speech; raising the pitch by 20% and making the late actor sound like a nightcore edit! The recording of Krane’s speech starts glitching and distorting throughout the museum. An ominous whistling comes from outside of the sound studio, mere moments before Fotherill is taunted by what sounds like the laugh from a corrupted audio file. Fotherill is electrocuted: several thousand volts spark through his body. The sound creature starts ranting and raving at Dent, demanding answers and causing her to become hysterical with fear. The final recording of Visteen Krane is played several times over; the gun firing, followed by his body falling to the ground with a thud. The sound creature sends itself as a voicemail to Pernell’s car phone… causing her to violently crash the car, killing herself in the process!

◆ Music

There’s a harshness to this score which likely comes from the cheap and cheerful equipment the sound artists were lumbered with back then – the equipment wouldn’t be upgraded for another four releases, if I remember rightly.

Considering this adventure features an entity composed of pure sound, we could always imagine that it was interfering with the score itself. Some great work from Briggsy here.

◆ Conclusion

“If you don’t like it, don’t listen to it!”

Visteen Krane was widely regarded as one of the greatest actors of his time, who later turned to politics and eventually announced his candidacy for the Presidency. It was widely believed that he would win the election with a landslide majority and name his agent, Beth Pernell, as his running mate. However, finding her ruthless policies and ambitions abhorrent, he planned to record a speech denouncing her. Upon discovering this, Pernell had Krane assassinated… but he managed to transfer his brain waves into the medium of sound. He would have his revenge!

Justin Richards took the metaphorical bull by the horns and created the first experimental audio adventure, featuring a sentient sound wave. Nowadays, it would seem like the obvious thing to do… but that’s probably because several writers have attempted to replicate the idea. He executed it really well, and even added in some political intrigue with the Pernell plot.

Despite being a production from twenty-five years ago, ‘Whispers of Terror’ has aged like fine wine! This was when BigFinish realised the full potential of the audio medium, and I can highly recommend giving it a listen if you’re curious.

PalindromeRose

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Review of Phantasmagoria by PalindromeRose

30 November 2024

This review contains spoilers!

Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#002. Phantasmagoria ~ 5/10

◆ An Introduction

Two companions from the Davison era had actually turned down the chance to join these audio adventures, and it would take many years for them to change their minds.

This meant BigFinish had to get creative in the early days, by controversially lengthening the amount of time Peri spent alongside this incarnation, and bringing a failed Egyptian Pharaoh aboard the TARDIS. I personally adore the Erimem tales… aside from THAT one, which I will unfortunately have to review one day!

Perhaps the most interesting thing they did to ensure variety in the Davison era stories was focusing on the period prior to ‘Planet of Fire’, when the only companion present was everyone’s favourite master of self-preservation: Turlough.

This unique TARDIS team would actually receive some excellent scripts, such as the jaw-droppingly good ‘Singularity’, or the politically charged ‘The Blazing Hour’.

This is NOT one of their good scripts.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The TARDIS takes the Doctor and Turlough to the London of 1702 where a mysterious highwayman roams the streets, a local occultist has made contact with the dead and gentlemen of fashion are disappearing, only to find themselves in a chamber whose walls weep blood…

The time-travellers become enmeshed in the hideous plan of Sir Nikolas Valentine, a gambler at the mysterious Diabola Club who always seems to have a winning hand…

◆ The Fifth Doctor

Gatiss has been around the block more than a few times with this franchise, so you’d expect his characterisation to be on point, if nothing else. There is something truly endearing about the Doctor trying to teach his companion the rules of cricket… even when Turlough finds the game completely silly!

‘Phantasmagoria’ is far from being one of my favourite adventures, but you cannot deny that Peter Davison delivered a confident performance. He clearly had good chemistry with Steven Wickham too, making the friendship between the Doctor and Holywell seem quite believable.

Accused of being thieves in Holywell’s house, the Doctor quickly turns on the charm when he expresses an interest in his collection of exquisite artefacts. The Doctor actually manages to trick Valentine using his copy of the Wisden’s Almanack… because it just so happens to contain one of those deadly playing cards: the psychopathic killer of Daodalus touched it with his bare hands, signing his own death warrant!

◆ Vislor Turlough

This morally dubious misfit has long been one of my favourite companions, so it saddens me that he spent most of this outing teamed up with two of the most aggravating characters! Look on the bright side: the next adventure featuring this TARDIS team – ‘Loups-Garoux’ – gives Turlough more than his fair share of the action.

Mark Strickson is an excellent actor, as anyone that’s seen my reviews of the “Older Nyssa” arc will know. Unfortunately, his performance in ‘Phantasmagoria’ was incredibly wooden.

Turlough thinks the whole game of cricket is silly; he can’t think why the Doctor is so keen on it. He liked learning history at Brendon.

◆ Human Spark Plugs

A psychopathic murderer from the planet Daodalus managed to escape execution, but his biomechanical spacecraft was damaged whilst doing so, and he was forced to land on Earth in 1672.

Adopting the guise of Sir Nikolas Valentine – scholar, landowner and astrologer – this serial killer spent the next thirty years abducting humans of high intelligence, and draining them of their life energies to aid his ship in repairing itself. By using homing beacons disguised as playing cards, he could scan each human, drawing the collective unconsciousness of his previous victims to the next target, which would teleport them back to his craft.

Unbeknownst to Valentine, another member of his species was looking to avenge the death of her parents, and she had finally tracked him down. Hannah began working as the maid for a local antiquarian, but finding Earth of 1702 to be extremely sexist, she adopted a second identity as highwayman Major Billy Lovemore, allowing her to go places a woman could not.

The concept of draining actual human souls and treating them like spare parts for a battered old Volvo is genuinely horrifying, and Gatiss could’ve went so much further with it. Can you imagine what this adventure would’ve been like if it leaned into the body horror of draining these people? A biomechanical craft with vampiric tendencies, and all the brutality of a Cyber-conversion unit! Anyway, Valentine becomes so incredibly cocky that the collective unconsciousness of his previous victims band together… and begin tearing him to shreds.

◆ Sound Design

Historical soundscapes are usually much more polished than futuristic ones, as a rule, during these early adventures. Alistair Lock has been one of the most prolific contributors to BigFinish over the past twenty-something years – working with them from the very beginning, before they’d even been granted the Doctor Who licence – and he did a pretty good job with ‘Phantasmagoria’. My biggest complaint is that we didn’t hear more of London during the Stuart Restoration.

Horses trotting through the night while town criers shout at passing folk. Punters of the Diabola Club can be heard entertaining themselves with gambling and debauchery. A crackling fire burns in Holywell’s house, an antique clock ticking in the background. An advanced intelligence, with a synthesised voice, observes our protagonists from afar. A horse and cart rushes past Turlough, knocking him down in the process. A thunderstorm breaks above Cheapside, and rain begins pouring from the heavens. Tortured souls wail in agony as they are slaved to Valentine’s biomechanical spacecraft. Church bells chime at the dawning of a new day. Valentine fires his energy weapon, melting Jasper’s gun! The biomechanical spacecraft explodes with some force.

◆ Music

The soundtrack for ‘Phantasmagoria’ is full of string instruments playing energetic melodies. The score also does a good job at amping up the drama, such as the scene where Flowers confronts Valentine about his friend’s disappearance. Overall, some solid work from Alistair Lock.

◆ Conclusion

“Amongst the dozens he has slaughtered were my mother and father! I swore I would avenge them, and now my chance has finally arrived.”

A serial killer from the planet Daodalus has been trapped on Earth for thirty years, abducting humans of high intelligence and draining them of their life energies to repair his biomechanical ship. He does this by using homing beacons disguised as playing cards…

A couple of you on the TARDIS Guide forum tried convincing me this was an excellent early Davison adventure, but that’s certainly not how I remembered it. Having completed my review, I can confirm that ‘Phantasmagoria’ is still insufferably boring.

This is easily one of the most interesting TARDIS teams, so it saddens me that Turlough was lumbered with two of the most aggravating side characters! It also doesn’t help that Strickson’s performance was as stiff as a board. Quite frankly, Davison was carrying this entire production.

From the man who brought us ‘Nightshade’, here’s an adventure through Restoration London that could easily have been half the runtime. I cannot understand the appeal of this one… and it contains that creep David Walliams, so that’s instantly a mark against it. Christ, this adventure is seriously held together with duct-tape!

PalindromeRose

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Review of Venusian Lullaby by PalindromeRose

21 October 2024

This review contains spoilers!

Virgin Missing Adventures

#003. Venusian Lullaby ~ 7/10

◆ An Introduction

Regular readers of my reviews will be aware that I love droning on about a little something called world-building. If you’re curious as to whether I’ll enjoy a certain book, flick through and look for juicy descriptions of unimaginable landscapes. Two authors have proven themselves to be exceptionally good in this department; Dave Stone (‘Burning Heart’) and Stephen Baxter (‘The Wheel of Ice’).

It must be nearly six years since I last read ‘Venusian Lullaby’ – my only recollection being those jawbreaking Venusian names! – so I’m basically approaching this book with fresh eyes.

Everyone keeps telling me that this book features some of the best world-building in the series. Here’s hoping everyone is right on this occasion!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

"You want me to help you eat your children?" Ian said.

Jellenhut's eye-stalks twitched. "How else would we remember them?"

Venus is dying. When the Doctor, Barbara and Ian arrive they find an ancient and utterly alien civilization on the verge of oblivion. War is brewing between those who are determined to accept death, and those desperate for salvation whatever the cost.

Then a spacefaring race arrives, offering to rescue the Venusians by moving them all to Earth — three billion years before mankind is due to evolve. Are the newcomers' motives as pure as they appear? And will the Doctor allow them to save his oldest friends by sacrificing the future of humanity?

◆ The First Doctor

Speaking as someone that’s covered five books featuring this incarnation already, I can definitely tell you that this is one of his better outings. Bleak and melancholic stories genuinely bring out the best in this Doctor, which probably explains why ‘City at World’s End’ is my favourite of his novels. Seeing him immerse himself in the culture of a dying world is genuinely fascinating, especially one as truly alien as Venus.

Susan’s departure from the TARDIS weighs heavily on the Doctor’s mind throughout this adventure, occasionally clouding his judgement. About a third of the way into the book, Ian finds himself kidnapped by the Rocketeer faction and, naturally, Barbara wants to do everything she can to help him. Unfortunately, the Doctor seems to favour uncovering the mysteries of the Sou(ou)shi over helping his companions. He comes across as cold-hearted in these scenes – and our resident history teacher rightfully gave him both barrels – but he’s clearly struggling without his granddaughter. Some genuinely excellent writing from Paul Leonard.

He’s not upset, not at all upset. The Doctor has always known that Susan would leave them. She is a grown woman now. It would no longer be right for him to detain her. He has released her to live in a way of her own choosing. The Doctor is as concerned about Chesterton as Barbara is, believe him. But don’t you think that the fate of a whole planet full of sentient beings is more important than the fate of one person? Like it or not, the Doctor has a responsibility to his companions. If he can’t get them home, very well. But at least he can look after them in the meantime. Or if he wont – if he’s too busy with his “mysteries” – then they’ll just have to look after themselves.

◆ Ian Chesterton

William Russell passed away quite recently, so I can’t help feeling a little bit sad reading this novel and knowing that he’s gone. The bloke was an absolute credit to Doctor Who, and I sincerely hope generations to come will enjoy watching his adventures through time and space!

You would expect the science teacher to cope quite well with alien environments, especially after travelling in the TARDIS for so long, but nothing could prepare Ian for the culture shock that awaited him on Venus. He didn’t take part in the traditional ceremony of remembering, and was understandably horrified by the effect it had on Barbara. Later on, Ian found himself wandering through a forest covered in petrol… and was nearly burnt alive for his troubles! Jellenhut – one of the native Venusians – thankfully came to the rescue, patching him up in the process. Ian found some common ground with her, and the two became good friends and allies in the fight against the Sou(ou)shi.

Ian had been telling a lot of lies about the Earth. Taking his inspiration partly from Marinus and partly from Skaro, he had described the petrified forests, the deserts of brown rock, the mountains of blue glass. He had described the burning heat of the day, the unbearable cold of night. He had described the chimerins, the great dust-storms that blew in the winter, shredding everything in their path. He had described the miserable existence of the few remaining Earth-people, buried in salt caverns underneath the remnants of seas. He had done such a good job that Barjibuhi had started asking about Mars as an alternative destination. Ian had told him that it was pretty dry there, too. Ian was beginning to feel sorry for the Venusians. It wasn’t their fault that their planet was dying: as far as he could understand from Barjibuhi, it was a natural process, caused by the steadily lengthening day. For the first time Ian felt doubt. It was becoming increasingly obvious that the Venusians were not at all like the Daleks; their ‘invasion’ was no more than a desperate attempt at escape. And he was, after all, three billions years in the past; if the Venusians went to Earth now, they would find no life more complex than single-celled organisms – possibly no life at all. Perhaps the Venusians had brought life to Earth, in which case, someone was going to have to help them. They were hardly going to get there in wooden spaceships. Ian understands what it’s like to be cut off from his own people. The Doctor isn’t of the same people as him and Barbara, and they’re not sure where he comes from. The point is, he isn’t able to take them home. Or at least, he says he isn’t able to. Barbara and him have to live in the TARDIS; they don’t have any choice about where they’re going to end up. They’ve had some fantastic adventures – he’s seen and done things he could never have seen or done on Earth, not if he’d lived to be a hundred. But it’s not having the choice. Sometimes they get near to their home, to the right place or the right time, so near you could almost touch it.

◆ Barbara Wright

Few companions have made quite the same impression on me as Barbara. She was always keen to see the good in all things, believing that there was sometimes more to situations than met the eye. The exception to this rule being the Daleks, of course: she rammed a truck through a whole roadblock of them!

Towards the beginning of the book, our regulars attend the funeral of Jikugihi Dharkhig: a respected Venusian philosopher. Barbara ate part of his brain during the traditional ceremony of remembering, however, the size of her portion was far too large for her metabolism. Dharkhig's personality remained within her mind for hours after the ceremony, allowing her intimate knowledge of Venusian culture during that time. Barbara makes great use of her alternate personality: it spoke through her during a speech which roused the Venusian people against the Sou(ou)shi.

After eating a block of spaghetti bolognese from the TARDIS food machine, Barbara is sent on a trip down memory lane. The only time she had Italian food as good as this back home was when she got the job at the school. Her father took her out to celebrate. The restaurant was called Vincenzo’s. They had red-and-white check tablecloths made out of Fablon, and straw flasks hanging on the walls. Barbara and Ian have seen things no one else in their time has seen, or will ever see. Ancient man; the Aztecs; the French Revolution; Skaro; Marinus. They’ll have that time, those memories. It occurred to Barbara that she hadn’t yet understood a thing that any of the Venusians had said. Just when you thought you’d got a grip on the meaning, the speaker would add another phrase, or another sentence, that made all of it into nonsense. Barbara is not Susan, nor is she a piece of Susan, whatever the Doctor told the Venusians. Neither is Ian. They’re people – people who are travelling with the Doctor, and through no choice of their own.

◆ Eat, remember. Eat. And Remember.

This book begins with our regulars attending a Venusian funeral, and we’re immediately treated to one of their strange customs: mourners are expected to attend a ceremony of remembering, where they would eat portions of the dearly departed’s brain. They would then experience a wave of flashbacks, witnessing memories from the perspective of the deceased. It all sounds rather morbid from a human perspective, but the back of the book did promise an utterly alien civilisation.

The Venusians themselves are as alien as their customs. I remember reading a review of this book on PageFillers which said they had “keyboard-sneeze names”, which I have to agree with. They had twelve eye-stalks in pairs; five arms and five legs. They could also leap several miles into the air, like they were enormous frogs catapulting themselves across the planet. Jim Mortimore is credited with the incredible drawing of a Venusian you see on the front cover, and all I can say is thank God this wasn’t intended to be a telly script! An attempt had already been made to create a truly alien civilisation during the black and white era; it involved several tubs of Vaseline being smeared over the cameras, whilst giant ants bumped into everything in sight. The budget needed to realise something like a Venusian would have been astronomical in 1965.

◆ Venusians at World’s End

Venus is a world living on borrowed time: the temperature of the sun is increasing, making it all the more difficult to live on the planet’s surface. Eventually, it would become completely uninhabitable. While many Venusians preached acceptance of their inevitable fate, various Anti-Acceptancer factions tried to devise ways of avoiding it, resulting in political unrest.

The Rocketeers believed their people could escape the rising temperatures of their homeworld by building rockets to emigrate to prehistoric Earth, something which proved very difficult, since Venus was metal-poor. The Water-breathers believed their people could escape the rising temperatures if they could live underwater, and were convinced the Doctor could teach them how to grow gills!

The Volcano People spent forty thousand years on a project that would trigger a series of volcanic eruptions. This would put large amounts of dust in the atmosphere, reflecting the sun’s heat and lowering the rising temperatures. If successful, they calculated it would give them another ten thousand years of civilisation.

The Below the Sun Believers were perhaps the most unhinged faction. They believed their people could escape the rising temperatures of their homeworld by – you guessed it – living beneath the sun! Hope they’ve got sunscreen with an SPF of one million.

◆ Conclusion

“Presidor, it is my duty to inform you that the Doctor is planning to kill us all.”

Venus is a world living on borrowed time: the temperature of the sun is increasing, making it all the more difficult to live on the planet’s surface. Eventually, it will become completely uninhabitable. But with the arrival of a spacefaring race, salvation could come sooner than expected…

Paul Leonard wastes no time in creating one of the most stunning and unique alien civilisations this franchise has ever seen. Venusian customs are frankly bizarre – the ceremony of remembering becomes a recurring theme throughout the book – but it leaves you wanting to learn more about them. Jim Mortimore is credited with the incredible drawing of a Venusian you see on the front cover, and all I can say is thank God this wasn’t intended to be a telly script! An attempt had already been made to create a truly alien civilisation during the black and white era; it involved several tubs of Vaseline being smeared over the cameras, whilst giant ants bumped into everything in sight. The budget needed to realise something like a Venusian would have been astronomical in 1965.

The major drawback of a book like ‘Venusian Lullaby’ is that almost too much time is spent on world-building – not a complaint I think anyone was expecting to hear from me! If you ignore all the finer details about this truly fascinating civilisation, then the story boils down to the Doctor and friends saving an alien race from extinction. That’s quite a basic premise for such a chunky novel, which would explain why I started losing interest by Book Four – The Grey Water Hour.

I really struggled deciding what to rate this book out of ten, because I want to adore the bones off it! There is so much juicy detail when it comes to Venusian society, and I think the companions are used incredibly well throughout… then you pass the halfway mark, and it becomes such a slog to get through! Paul Leonard has done a fantastic job with this book, but I sincerely believe that it should have been trimmed down during the editing stage.

PalindromeRose

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Review last edited on 21-10-24

Review of The Hollows of Time by PalindromeRose

7 September 2024

This review contains spoilers!

Doctor Who – The Lost Stories

#1.04. The Hollows of Time ~ 1/10

◆ An Introduction

Have you ever encountered a script so incomprehensible that it makes you beg for a darkened room and some double-strength paracetamol? This range has been a near total washout up until this point, but things are about to get a whole lot worse.

Many people have been critical of the JNT/Bidmead era for grounding their scripts in real science, myself included, because it just sucked the fun out of so many stories. It wasn’t until I listened to the sixth series of ‘Fourth Doctor Adventures’ that I realised you could make something half-decent with this approach.

Bidmead still made the occasional contribution after being replaced by Saward, including a fan-favourite adventure featuring a race of giant snails who all appeared to be suffering from severe conjunctivitis! I genuinely couldn’t give less of a damn about ‘Frontios’, but someone thought we desperately needed a sequel.

This is going to be horrendous.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The Doctor and Peri have been on holiday, visiting old friend Reverend Foxwell in the sleepy English village of Hollowdean. But why are their memories so hazy?

Piecing together events they recall a mysterious chauffeur, who is not what he seems, and Foxwell's experiments that could alter the nature of reality. Huge sand creatures have been sighted on the dunes, and many of the locals are devoted to a leader known as 'Professor Stream'.

But who is Stream? And what lies within the Hollows of Time?

The Doctor will discover that not every question has a definitive answer…

◆ The Sixth Doctor

Listening to the interviews for this release was a real treat, because absolutely nobody could work out what was happening! ‘The Hollows of Time’ was going to be a very visual story, but most of these scenes have been replaced in this adaptation with reams of exposition for the Doctor to spout. If that wasn’t bad enough, he occasionally gets dialogue that sounds like incoherent gibberish – “a grasshopper mind let loose on the universe” means what exactly, Bidmead?

Colin Baker described this script as “labyrinthine” during the interviews, which is giving it far more credit than it deserves. It would be more accurate to call it deep fried elephant dung rammed through a letterbox, because the writing stinks. His performance was honestly painful.

They were there, but they have absolutely no idea what happened – feels like an accurate description of listening to this story! Discretion is the better part of travel, which would explain why they took the bus and the train to Hollowdean. The Doctor once had a mechanical dog, in another life: a loyal friend. According to Simon, he knows a lot of long words. If he knew what he was talking about, he would tell Peri.

◆ Peri Brown

Christopher Bidmead should look up the word “entertaining” in a dictionary, because having Peri lumbered with a spoilt brat and wandering through caves full of rotting Tractators is by no means entertaining.

Nicola Bryant appears to be the only member of the cast enjoying themselves. Her performance in ‘The Hollows of Time’ was half-decent, but she really deserved better material than this.

She can’t say that was much of a holiday. The Doctor has warned her about little green creatures lurking in the dark. Her name’s Peri, it means fairy: she turns up in crossword puzzles, not her personally, but her name.

◆ The All-Flowing Stream

Bidmead spent this entire script just waffling absolute horse [REDACTED]. Trying to fathom what actually happened was like attempting to do quadratic equations whilst blackout drunk! There was something about a time traveller attempting to create a quantum gravity engine – another piece of technobabble that means diddly squat – by utilising the Tractators, but that’s about all I could understand. There’s also a random classic Citroën that somehow managed to merge with the TARDIS… are you sure I’m not blackout drunk, because this sounds like the ramblings of a lunatic!

Speaking of the aforementioned time traveller, he was supposed to be the villain of this adventure. Can someone please explain to me then why he only makes a handful of appearances? I understand that Professor Stream was meant to be the Tremas Master – and that BigFinish weren’t allowed to confirm this because of conditions in their contract back then – but he generally does nothing! The real main antagonist should’ve been his android chauffeur, Steel Specs… that’s either the coolest name for a villain or the most melodramatic, I still haven’t decided which.

◆ Sound Design

‘The Hollows of Time’ features many scenes that would’ve blown a season long budget in minutes, so you can clearly see why this one got rejected. An effort has been made to bring these scenes to life on audio, like a 1930s Citroën flying through the time vortex, but this is generally a bland soundscape.

Feet squelching through muddy ground, as a bus comes to a stop near the TARDIS. The train rumbles along the tracks towards Hollowdean. Followers of the “All-Flowing Stream” gather outside of the church hall, the bell chiming in the background. The Doctor falls backwards into some rose bushes, rustling away as he tries to free himself. Foxwell’s robotic turtle whirrs around his workshop. The TARDIS morphs into a Citroën Traction Avant and begins driving through the time vortex. The Tractors make this disgusting squelching noise. Steel Specs activates the remote destruction device, causing the Citroën to disintegrate in the vortex… with the Doctor still inside! What remains of the Citroën comes crashing through Professor Stream’s garage.

◆ Music

Nigel Fairs’ use of woodwind instruments in the score feels like a deliberate callback to ‘Frontios’.

◆ Conclusion

“Goodbye to my faithful old car, and goodbye, less reluctantly to you, Doctor.”

Writing this review genuinely gave me motivation to start daytime drinking; necking copious amounts of Disaronno also makes my head spin, but at least I can have a fun time doing it! Bidmead spent this entire script just waffling arrant nonsense, meaning I hadn’t a clue what was going on half the time.

The performances are dire across the board, the soundscape is intensely boring, and the antagonist barely appears. Seriously, what was the point in having David Garfield turn up for about five scenes throughout the adventure when he does the square root of diddly squat?

I recently discovered that some people actually enjoyed ‘The Hollows of Time’. Clearly, they were handing out free lobotomies with the CD when they bought it!

PalindromeRose

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Review last edited on 7-09-24

Review of Leviathan by PalindromeRose

6 September 2024

This review contains spoilers!

Doctor Who – The Lost Stories

#1.03. Leviathan ~ 9/10

◆ An Introduction

You can usually pinpoint the reasons as to why these scripts never got made – over-ambition and budgetary concerns being the usual culprits – but sometimes you come across an adventure that ticks all the boxes, one which never should’ve been thrown by the wayside. That’s exactly how I feel about ‘Leviathan’.

Pursued through the woods by a demonic figure from Dark Age myth, the Doctor and Peri will soon discover that there is more to the village of New Haven than meets the eye…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

No one lives to old age in the village. When their Time is come, they are taken and never seen again. That is The Way. And, should anyone try to break with the established order of things, then the fury of Herne the Hunter is unleashed…

When the TARDIS materializes near a castle in this mediaeval society, the Doctor and Peri befriend Gurth, a terrified youth who is attempting to flee his fate. And Herne is closing in…

Why does the local baron impose the culling? What is the secret of Zeron? And who are the Sentinels of the New Dawn? The answers lie within a cave…

◆ The Sixth Doctor

Talking about this incarnation never gets boring, especially when the material is this good! From the moment he realises there is more to New Haven than meets the eye, he’s like a dog with a bone when it comes to seeking out the truth. He notices the little things, like how unexpectedly clean supposedly medieval houses are, and how peasants are somehow able to make white bread. Then there are the bigger things… like laser crossbows! Brian Finch has gotten his personality down pat, and gives him some excellent moments of action too: fencing with the Baron at around the forty minute mark was one of the Doctor’s many highpoints in ‘Leviathan’.

Colin Baker is firing on all cylinders throughout this adventure, making every scene he appears an utter delight to hear.

Landing is generally the safest thing to do when you have an in-flight problem. Unless there’s a village fête on somewhere, he’d say they were slap-bang in the Middle Ages: an interesting period in its way, but in increasingly small doses one finds. Medieval life was often short and nasty, according to the Doctor. People lived and died in exceedingly unpleasant ways. He thinks that Peri should’ve learnt from her travels with him that it’s not always advisable to get involved in something that’s purely a social problem. The Doctor changes his mind about helping Gurth when he discovers that the Herne biomechanoid was created by the Sentinels of the New Dawn… a name which clearly worries him! He believes that when you’ve seen one working castle, you’ve seen them all. The Baron remarks that his manner is that of a philosopher, yet his clothing belongs to a jester: such garb is inappropriate for the forest, he stands out too well. The Doctor has never shied from a just fight before, and he’s not going to now!

◆ Peri Brown

Someone has finally given Peri some decent material in this series, hallelujah! She spends a large portion of the runtime getting to know the Pariahs, and I found her friendship with Gurth highly compelling.

Nicola Bryant delivered an excellent performance for ‘Leviathan’.

She wonders if Sil and Rana Zandusia could’ve damaged the TARDIS when they stole it. Peri isn’t some ignorant peasant girl and refuses to be pushed around by someone like Osbert. She’s been in hundreds of scrapes worse than this, but she can’t do anything for Gurth stuck in a cage! Peri has been tortured, she knows what it’s like. She also knows that the lowlifes who do it are the sort who’ll only be encouraged to do it again if the Pariah don’t resist! She assures Wulfric that standing up to tyranny is always the right decision.

◆ The Medieval Truman Show

Peasant folk go about their business working under the shadow of a wealthy landowner in the nearby castle; all relatively standard for a medieval settlement, but the story keeps dropping subtle hints that everything here is stage managed.

Nobody seems to have knowledge of the wider world, while the Baron’s forces are armed with laser crossbows and robot dogs. There are passageways to steel-mesh corridors hidden away within caves, and a biomechanical interpretation of a Dark Age myth goes hunting for people in the woods. The houses are too clean, the food is too good. It all seems a bit “chocolate box”, as though everything here is for show.

Initially, the Doctor thought somebody had been tinkering with the timeline, but he could sense there was more to it. Then came the big reveal during the cliffhanger: everything from the woodland to the village had been constructed within the bowels of a giant spaceship!

The Leviathans defied belief even on the drawing board. A series of unimaginably vast spacecraft, they were mankind’s great hope in the mid 22nd century: the only way he could reach out beyond his own solar system to colonise new planets. Of course, that was before the invention of the interstellar drive. Several prototype Leviathans were constructed, but when photon speed travel became a reality they were left obsolete.

‘Leviathan’ feels strongly reminiscent of The Truman Show, if the set designers had spent an entire weekend binge-watching the first series of Blackadder! A stage managed reality where everyone living inside it is none the wiser. The whole concept is fascinating, and superbly handled by Brian Finch.

◆ Lost Sentinels

The Sentinels of the New Dawn were a secret society composed of powerful people conspiring to become even more powerful. ‘Leviathan’ introduces them as a background antagonist: the ones who created the biomechanical enforcer, modelled on Herne the Hunter, which goes round hunting people in New Haven.

The governments of Earth rallied against them, forcing them to flee our world. They stole a prototype Leviathan which they populated with clones and android overseers – all managed by a Zeron AI – and set a course towards the planet Phlegethon. The Sentinels remained in cryogenic sleep; the clones lived in their stage-managed medieval realm, being “recycled” before they grew too old to question authority… their nutrients being used to feed the frozen Sentinels!

Unfortunately for them, the Sentinels would never see their intended destination. The Leviathan was struck by a meteor storm, damaged, and floated off course for centuries. By the time it was discovered by the Doctor and Peri, all the stasis pods had failed, causing the Sentinels to die out.

◆ Master of the Wild Hunt

I adore when writers find some way to insert folklore into their adventures, because it adds flavour to the script. ‘Leviathan’ is no different, since peasant folk are being terrorised by a robot dressed up like a demonic figure from Dark Age myth!

The earliest written account of Herne the Hunter comes from Shakespeare’s play The Merry Wives of Windsor. Officially published versions of the play refer only to the tale of Herne as the ghost of a former Windsor Forest keeper who haunts a particular oak tree at midnight in the winter time; he is said to have horns, shake chains and cause cattle to produce blood instead of milk.

◆ Sound Design

A medieval settlement situated in the heart of the greenwood that seems almost too good to be true. Simon Robinson does a fantastic job at bringing New Haven to life, and manages to add a whole new dimension to his soundscape when the truth of this village is revealed during the cliffhanger.

Barking android dogs chase Gurth through the forest, while the master of the hunt sounds his horn: it sounds totally unnatural, much like the biomechanoid of Herne itself. Technical issues send the TARDIS careering out of control, before dropping our dynamic duo amongst the tweeting birds and woodland. Herne emits this bloodthirsty panting as he goes hunting for poor unfortunates; he snarls when he speaks, like some savage beast! The Doctor uses a knife to remove the synthetic flesh from the android dogs. The Baron’s men on horseback begin tracking the Doctor, galloping through the woodland around New Haven. Wulfric fires a bolt from the laser crossbow… causing an entire wall to crumble! The bellowing synthesised voice of Zeron barking orders at the Baron. A dank and echoing dungeon filled with squeaking rats. The clashing of edged steel as the Doctor engages in a fencing match with the Baron – can you imagine how cool this would’ve looked on screen? The rattling of a steel mesh floor as our dynamic duo explore the Leviathan proper. Several thousand volts of electricity are used to torture one of the Pariah.

◆ Music

Simon Robinson provides an understated score for ‘Leviathan’, one that perfectly matches the mystery and intrigue of New Haven.

◆ Conclusion

“Demonic figure from Dark Age myth. He pursued lost souls through the night, and usually caught them!”

Our dynamic duo find themselves in a medieval settlement at the heart of the greenwood, where the peasants are being terrorised by a biomechanical interpretation of Herne the Hunter. There’s something not quite right about this whole situation; nobody seems to have knowledge of the wider world, and there are passageways to steel-mesh corridors hidden away within caves. Hearing that the Sentinels of the New Dawn have something to do with the biomechanoid is all the impetus the Doctor needs to get involved… so where are they hiding?

Someone has created a self-sufficient medieval settlement within the bowels of a giant spaceship, and that’s such a fascinating concept! There are enough discrepancies to let you know something is wrong here – the houses are too clean, the food is too good, and the Baron’s men are armed with laser crossbows – but not enough to spoil that revelation. I made this comparison earlier in the review, but ‘Leviathan’ does bear a striking resemblance to The Truman Show, if the set designers had spent an entire weekend binge-watching the first series of Blackadder!

The salvage team are the only thing keeping this adventure from receiving full marks, because they had little in the way of personality or purpose. ‘Leviathan’ was damn near perfect, from beginning to end. Paul Finch done his father proud with this adaptation.

PalindromeRose

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Review last edited on 6-09-24

Review of Mission to Magnus by PalindromeRose

5 September 2024

This review contains spoilers!

Doctor Who – The Lost Stories

#1.02. Mission to Magnus ~ 3/10

◆ An Introduction

‘Vengeance on Varos’ remains one of the most adored stories from Season 22. The Doctor and Peri found themselves on a world where torture and executions were broadcast to the public as prime-time entertainment, and the representative of the Galatron Mining Corporation was extorting the planet’s Governor into selling the valuable Zeiton-7 ore at a drastically reduced price.

A second adventure featuring Sil was intended to air the following year, where he would find himself allied with the fearsome Ice Warriors. Season 23 was unfortunately canned, undergoing several rewrites before ‘Trial of a Time Lord’ was unveiled. Sil still made an appearance, but the replacement story was drastically different, ending with what appeared to be the death of Peri!

Now we finally get to experience the events which unfolded on Magnus, and realise that some stories were honestly better off being lost…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The Doctor and Peri face enemies at every turn on the planet Magnus. There's the Time Lord bully Anzor, who made the Doctor's life hell during his time at the Academy. There's also Rana Zandusia, the matriarchal ruler of the planet, who seeks to prise the secret of time travel from these alien visitors.

Also on Magnus is the slug-like Sil, still bitter from his defeat on the planet Varos and seeking to make his fortune from the most potentially destructive ends. And, deep within the planet, there is something else. Another old enemy of the Doctor's. And the future is looking decidedly colder…

◆ The Sixth Doctor

Hearing the most ostentatious and egotistical incarnation of the Doctor cowering in fear was not something I expected. He goes on something of a miniature character arc in this adventure where he learns to stand up to his childhood bully, though being completely honest here, I could not give less of a damn about the Anzor plot.

You’ll rarely find me complaining about Colin Baker’s performance, but I think anyone would struggle with material this dire. Just another reason to skip over ‘Mission to Magnus’ entirely.

The Doctor starts trembling with fear the moment he recognises Anzor’s TARDIS, making him hide under the console like a scaredy cat.

◆ Peri Brown

Philip Martin cannot write for female characters. This adventure is blatantly sexist – which is something I will discuss more in-depth later in the review – and you’re genuinely left wondering if the writer just hated Peri. She is treat abysmally throughout, written to be purposefully aggravating so that the script can humiliate and torture her on-demand! Put simply, this material is terrible.

Nicola Bryant isn’t having much luck with this series. The previous script forgot her character existed, while this one just treats her like dirt… thank God things improve in the next adventure! Her performance in ‘Mission to Magnus’ is nothing special.

Peri claims that she’s used to following alpha males. She comes from another time, another world, where women are not quite the equals of men yet.

◆ Philip Martin’s Gender Commentary

‘Mission to Magnus’ feels incredibly dated because of its rampant sexism and strange risqué moments. I think that even by the standards of the mid 1980s, this would’ve led to some raised eyebrows!

Magnus is a matriarchal society who only use males for reproductive purposes. A small clan of them hide beneath the planet’s surface due to a virus that makes them blind and kills them before the age of twenty. One theory is that the condition is hormonal, meaning only women and aliens survive. Whilst all this is being explained, Anzor is quite clearly disgusted at the thought of having to deal with the female of the species. He’s easily one of the most unlikeable characters in this script, because he’s basically just an incel!

The neighbouring world of Salvac is a patriarchal society that have supposedly found an antidote to the gender-specific virus. They sent an invasion force to Magnus, which quickly got captured by the Ice Warriors… and they’re certainly a problematic bunch! Ishka almost immediately decides that Zandusia should become his wife, which leads to one of the most insensitive jokes in the episode.

I haven’t even discussed the Doctor’s psychic sex dream yet. I sincerely wish I was joking, but this is genuinely something that happens between him and a member of Zandusia’s retinue. Every time I think this script has reached the bottom of the barrel, it somehow punches through and keeps on digging towards the planet’s core!

◆ Martians on Magnus

I’m sure many of you purchased this adventure to hear the Ice Warriors teaming up with Sil… and that you were all disappointed to hear that they don’t turn up until the second part! Putting them on the front cover feels like such a sly decision, one made to lure in customers who were hoping for a big Martian adventure.

Their reason for being on Magnus is pretty underwhelming too: the Grand Marshall is planning on setting off a nuclear warhead to change the planet’s orbit, thus making it colder, leading to a viable new home for his people.

◆ Sound Design

A beautifully warm planet turned cold; it would’ve been nice if some effort was put into illustrating this with the sound design. All we get to explore are caves and ice caverns, making this one of the most forgettable audio landscapes I’ve encountered all year.

The TARDIS shakes and shudders as it’s dragged into the 24th century. The scanner is consumed with static as Magnus gradually appears on the screen. Sonic cannons are fired from the starship onto the surface of the planet below. Sil is bathed in water by his attendants, doing that disgusting laugh as it happens. Psychic harmony causes mind music to filter through the caves beneath Magnus. Ice Warriors begin firing their sonic weaponry, massacring the Salvacian prisoners!

◆ Music

There aren’t many positives with ‘Mission to Magnus’, but the gloriously melodramatic synthesised soundtrack is definitely one of them! Simon Robinson has created some of my favourite scores in the past, but his work on this range has been a particular highlight: I cannot wait to discuss his music for the Seventh Doctor ‘Lost Stories’ next series.

◆ Conclusion

“The despised creature who owns every last woolly jumper on the planet!”

The Ice Warriors are planning to detonate a nuclear warhead on Magnus to change the planet’s orbit, thus making it colder. That slippery customer, Sil, has teamed up with them, intending to make a killing in the woolly blanket trade when the planet becomes an ice box.

This sounds like the recipe for an exciting romp with two fan-favourite villains, but Philip Martin was seemingly more concerned with taking cheap shots at the concept of feminism. There’s an abundance of backward dialogue throughout the adventure, like when Anzor cringes in disgust anytime someone mentions women in power, or when Ishka threatens to bed Rana Zandusia! It genuinely baffles me that these moments weren’t removed, or at the very least toned down, when this adaptation was being produced.

There were several moments whilst writing this review where I just gave up and started listening to random ASMR videos, because I was desperate for something relaxing and enjoyable. Then I remembered that Philip Martin penned a sequel to this adventure, called ‘Antidote to Oblivion’, which makes me want to crack open the Disaronno early!

Sil spends the entire runtime whining, the Ice Warriors don’t show up until the beginning of part two and proceed to do the square root of diddly squat, and literally nobody cares about the Anzor subplot! You should absolutely skip ‘Mission to Magnus’, for the sake of your own sanity, if nothing else.

PalindromeRose

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Review of The Nightmare Fair by PalindromeRose

4 September 2024

This review contains spoilers!

Doctor Who – The Lost Stories

#1.01. The Nightmare Fair ~ 6/10

◆ An Introduction

RTD’s decision to resurrect the Celestial Toymaker for the 60th anniversary was honestly inspired. He’s one of the most creative villains in the show’s long-running history, treating everyone as pawns in his twisted games. But there were plans to bring him back during the mid 1980s too!

Before that prat, Michael Grade, put the show on hiatus – leading to the conception of ‘The Trial of a Time Lord’ and the eventual sacking of Colin Baker – plans were well underway for Season 23. Grand adventures were being written that would take the Doctor and Peri from contemporary Singapore to the far-off world of Magnus, but most of these stories would never see the light of day.

Written by former series producer Graham Williams, ‘The Nightmare Fair’ was set to open the season. A reunion between the Doctor and the Toymaker, set against the backdrop of Blackpool Pleasure Beach…

Time for one final game!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The TARDIS has been drawn to Blackpool in the year 1985, where the Doctor intends to investigate a dangerous space/time vortex… while enjoying some local attractions along the way. But an old enemy is watching from his base deep within the amusement park, a timeless being who craves revenge.

The Celestial Toymaker has returned. The game is on. And, should he lose, the Doctor will pay the ultimate forfeit…

◆ The Sixth Doctor

I think most of us have become so accustomed to the mellowed out persona he’s adopted in the audio adventures that we’ve forgotten what a smug [REDACTED] this incarnation used to be! I honestly never had a problem with this version of the character and, bearing in mind when this script was written, it would be fair to say that Graham Williams did a fine job.

Colin Baker delivered a marvellous performance in ‘The Nightmare Fair’. Just listening to him exchange dialogue with David Bailie was massively entertaining, as they clearly had excellent on-air chemistry. Such a shame the actual material ended up having all the merit of a fart in a hurricane!

You can’t come to Blackpool and not go up Blackpool Tower! There’s nowhere else like it, nowhere in this galaxy anyway. They’re trying to build one out on the rim of the Crab Nebula, but the design concept is all wrong: they’re trying to build it for a purpose, something he clearly disapproves of. You can’t build a place like this for a mere purpose! Oh, don’t talk to him of fluid lines provoked by the ergonomic imperatives, or the strict adherence to the symbolic form, classical use of conceptual space: designer’s gobbledegook and architect's flimflam! The Doctor describes Blackpool Pleasure Beach as perfection; as genius; as classic frivolity. He could never understand all those sea-and-sand places Peri was talking about; taking a bath in sodium chloride and then wallowing on a bed of mica crystals? Extraordinary way to behave! Add to that long term exposure to ultraviolet, and you go a long way towards explaining the basic irrationality of the human race.

◆ Peri Brown

BigFinish have massively expanded upon the role the companion plays within their adventures, and nowhere is that more obvious than with Peri. One of my absolute favourite audios – ‘The Reaping’ – puts her at the forefront of events, delving deep into her backstory and giving her some emotionally harrowing scenes. Considering these scripts were made for television, I can’t really expect the same degree of depth with the companions… but Christ almighty, I expected her to do more than wander around an amusement park with some random pillock!

Since the script has her doing diddly squat, Nicola Bryant could easily have phoned in her performance for ‘The Nightmare Fair’, so credit where it’s due for still putting on a great show.

◆ Master of the Game

This adventure was intended to be the grand return of the Celestial Toymaker, though considering Michael Gough was in his nineties by the time this adaptation was produced, a recast was required.

David Bailie stepped into the role for ‘The Nightmare Fair’, and successfully put his own stamp on the character. He played the Toymaker as someone that’d been bored senseless by eternity, dreaming up deadly games to wile away the aeons. Prone to mood swings when things weren’t going his way, he also came across as a petulant and spoilt brat most of the time! Old beyond imagining, he would play games with his own past to ensure that his origins were shrouded in mystery.

Other versions of this character have been something of a mixed bag. Gough came across as monotone and boring. As for the most recent performer… there are only so many times you can hear Patrick Harris chanting “Und now everybody loves the balls!” before wanting to chuck a brick through your television! Bailie managed to find the perfect middle ground with his portrayal of the Toymaker, making him my personal favourite in the role… damn, I guess this means I have to check out ‘Solitaire’ now.

◆ Sound Design

Any adventure set amongst the attractions of Blackpool Pleasure Beach should feature a stunning soundscape. Then you realise that said locale is quickly thrown out the window, because the story wants to spend most of its runtime milling about the Toymaker’s nondescript factory!

The Toymaker’s laugh echoes through the amusements as he taunts another innocent that’s fallen foul of his games. Tacky fairground music drifts throughout the Pleasure Beach whilst seagulls squawk above the pier. A cackling electronic laugh can be heard coming from the ghost train, which actually reminds the Doctor of Mr Sin! Bleeping equipment from within the Toymaker’s factory. Peri lets out an adrenaline filled screech as she rides one of the many roller coasters. Spacey music emanates from the Galactic Adventure ride. The sound of game over during the Toymaker’s arcade game… resulting in the death of Yatsumoto.

◆ Music

Jamie Robertson transports us back to the mid 1980s by ramming a load of harsh synthesisers into his score.

There were several moments where the music reminded me of the ominous sewer scenes from ‘Attack of the Cybermen’ – which I rewatched only a few days ago now. Unfortunately, there’s no jazzy Lytton theme to be found in this adventure…

◆ Conclusion

“I detest caging even the wildest beast, Toymaker, but for you there is no other answer.”

The Toymaker has constructed his own arcade cabinet and plans on shipping it worldwide, but not before having one final game with his old opponent in Blackpool…

After spending thirty minutes milling around the Pleasure Beach and taking in the atmosphere, we switch locations to the Toymaker’s factory… and the entire story grinds to a halt as a result. There are sporadic mentions of the arcade cabinet being constructed, but the majority of the runtime is focused on the Doctor and Peri being locked in a cell with two comic relief characters and a growling monster!

What a tremendous mistake to review this story at midnight, when I’m desperate for my comfy pillows and some relaxing ASMR. I’m likely to fall asleep at my keyboard discussing something as boring as ‘The Nightmare Fair’!

PalindromeRose

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Review last edited on 4-09-24

Review of The Eye of the Storm by PalindromeRose

3 September 2024

This review contains spoilers!

The Diary of River Song

#2.04. The Eye of the Storm ~ 8/10

◆ An Introduction

It’s curtains down for Series Two, and River has double trouble to deal with. I was really looking forward to this finale, to hear how the Speravore scheme would be dealt with.

This really wasn’t what I expected, by any means…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

The Great Storm of 1703 approaches. The fate of planet Earth hangs in the balance.

The only person who can save it is the Doctor. Or River Song. Or quite possibly another Doctor. Or maybe this whole situation is their fault in the first place.

Two Doctors. One River. An infinite number of ways to destroy the world. It’s going to be a bumpy ride…

◆ Prof. River Song

Alex Kingston gives a phenomenal performance in this finale.

She only has a matter of days to save the world, and she’s convinced that her husbands are causing the problem. River’s reason for trying to hijack the TARDIS is comfort over convenience… and because she needs it to fix the catastrophic dimensional slippage. Within seconds of meeting up with Ol’ Sixie, she’s accused of being a member of the Celestial Intervention Agency: an agent for the Time Lord President! She’s a scholar of the strange. River was pardoned herself, not that long ago, after a long period of confinement. She had around a dozen husbands at the last count. Some days she’s dreamed of having two Doctors to play with… but not Six and Seven! River tells Sarah her life story, because she can relate to someone that has essentially no free will – hoping that a solid life-story will convince her to erase herself from the timelines!

◆ The Sixth Doctor

Colin Baker does a fantastic job with the material in ‘The Eye of the Storm’.

He claims to be something of an expert in matters of the heart – yes, we all know how well your matchmaking went in ‘Arrangements for War’. The Doctor is quite the expert when it comes to matters interdimensional. Before having his memory wiped, he gets a loving kiss from his wife-to-be.

◆ The Seventh Doctor

‘The Eye of the Storm’ featured a fabulous performance from Sylvester McCoy.

He remembers every single victory over every single alien species, because he happens to keep a score card! His memories of what happened aboard the Saturnius in the warped timeline are not quite gone… which explains why he worryingly knows the name of his future wife! The Doctor believes only a fool goes blundering into history, hoping for the best. He’s decided to handcuff River to a table, and cites escapology as one of his favourite hobbies. Listening to the Doctor trying to decipher River’s identity is hilarious – at least he knows she isn’t mother! This slippery manipulator managed to dodge all River’s attempts to wipe his mind of her… so she just stuns him with her gun.

◆ Story Recap

Speravores feed on potential futures, decisions that were never made. That’s why their Queen has latched onto a young woman from the 18th century: she plans to feed on the potential future of her entire bloodline!

The only way to stop the Queen from taking complete control of her life – taking control of the lives of her lover and their family-to-be – is by convincing them to commit suicide… a task even the master manipulator himself couldn’t do. River steps in to have a chat with the doomed couple.

◆ Damsel in Distress

River spends half the runtime trying to convince both incarnations of her husband to assist her… only for both to be complete and utter morons: Seven decides to handcuff her to the inside of some MP’s house, getting her locked up for breaking and entering.

It’s a shame, because I wanted to spend more time getting to know Isaac and Sarah, especially before that brutal ending where they sacrifice themselves.

◆ Sound Design

The titular storm is fiercely battering London, something Howard Carter brought to life tremendously well.

The shaking of iron shackles as River is thrown into Newgate Prison. Rain pours down, and hurricane like winds batter London during the Great Storm. Sarah Dean’s house collapses around her, the wooden beams crumbling like dominoes. The Golden Futures space station continues to collapse around River. Speravore larvae squirm away in the remnants of the station, begging for more food. The voices of the Speravore are honestly disgusting – it’s like listening to an angry, snarling man have a rant whilst his mouth is full of noodles! An old-fashioned English tavern, filled with punters enjoying good meals and fine conversation.

◆ Conclusion

“I remember everything!”

The fate of the timeline hangs in the balance, as two planet Earths are suspended in the skies. The only way to stop the swarming of the Speravores is for River to convince a young couple to off themselves!

This was a weird finale. It begins like your standard River Song outing, with the multi-Doctor element shoe-horned in for good measure. Then things get really bleak and depressing towards the conclusion, as Sarah and Isaac prepare to sacrifice themselves.

Series Two has been a real treat though, and I’m honestly looking forward to the next set.

PalindromeRose

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Review last edited on 3-09-24

Review of World Enough and Time by PalindromeRose

3 September 2024

This review contains spoilers!

The Diary of River Song

#2.03. World Enough and Time ~ 9/10

◆ An Introduction

Earth has been ravaged by the 5:29 event, and River is still searching for answers. I doubt she expected to find them in an office block belonging to the mysterious Golden Futures Corporation…

But if BigFinish have taught me anything – with scripts like ‘9 to 5’ and ‘Human Resources’ – then even the most mundane office politics can hide some horrifying schemes…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

When it comes to bringing down corrupt and exploitative regimes, there is no-one quite like River.

Until she arrives at Golden Futures and discovers that someone else has already taken on her job. Someone with almost as much style and panache as herself.

The Doctor is about to get the shock of his lives.

◆ Prof. River Song

‘World Enough and Time’ features an excellent performance from Alex Kingston.

River doesn’t see the point in approving dreams that make no sense, and is told off by the MD-PA for being a temp with an opinion! She claims that a keep out sign is practically an invitation, and a key-pad might as well be a welcome mat. River believes what she saw in Project Elysium… she’s just having trouble not screaming (a sign that excrement has really hit the fan). She tells the Doctor that she always sleeps armed.

◆ The Sixth Doctor

Colin Baker’s performance in this episode was a real highlight.

The Doctor has clearly went up in the world… as he’s now the managing director of Golden Futures! When he bought his way into the firm, he had no idea the work would be such hard work. Even after only a brief encounter with his wife-to-be, he finds her remarkably curious. Every time the MD-PA has a new bit of office work for him to deal with, he just groans distastefully (it’s clear that the corporate lifestyle has got him sick of his life). The Doctor believes that it’s about time somebody complimented his coat… he would say River has good taste, but she is pointing a gun at him. He spends a lot of his life surrounded by people constantly asking questions about what he is doing, something he finds quite annoying. The Doctor always thought that holidays were boring, but his time at Golden Futures takes the biscuit! He claims to have never owned 51% of a planet before. It’s awful when he realises that he’s gotten it wrong – instead of stopping the launch of Project Elysium, he’s ended up ripping a hole in reality that is spewing out alternate versions of Earth!

◆ Ersatz Earth

‘World Enough and Time’ introduces us to the enigmatic main antagonists of this series – the Golden Futures Corporation – and gives us some information on their involvement in the 5:29 event.

Their speciality is selling tailored dreams, with at least eight thousand of the insanely rich living out the rest of their lives in special dream pods… but there’s something more nefarious going on beneath the surface. These dreams are feeding on their potential futures, parallel realities that could’ve been… and these realities are being used to construct replicas of planets by the corporation.

Planning on investigating Golden Futures, the Sixth Doctor became a majority shareholder by purchasing 51% of the corporation… a choice that means he is indirectly responsible for the destruction of Earth: they’ve been feeding on his potential futures too. The Doctor should’ve been out there saving worlds, but has instead been wrapped up in office politics. The corporation saw this as a golden opportunity to spearhead a brand new initiate called Project Elysium: to construct a replica of planet Earth, selling whole areas to the highest bidders!

Golden Futures’ plan feels very reminiscent of Douglas Adams – mainly because the idea of an ersatz Earth reminded me of the 2005 film version of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

◆ Potential Futures

A race known as Speravores are the true masterminds behind the Golden Futures Corporation – interdimensional squids that feed on dreams and potential futures, usually residing at the fatty ends of the time vortex.

Some of you may remember that they were actually the main antagonists of ‘A Life of Crime’, a sub-par adventure featuring McCoy, Aldred and Langford.

◆ Sound Design

A mundane office space that hides the horrifying true nature of Golden Futures. An excellent soundscape from Carter.

Hundreds of typists click at keyboards as they file dreams for Golden Futures. The Dream Stream is filled with sleepers having happy dreams… and the odd petrified person having a nightmare. Wet squelching noises come from the shop floor, as something slithers past River. Inside her dream, River is surrounded by lapping waves and squawking seagulls. Chilly winds whoosh through the ersatz Iceland on Elysium. River fires several rounds of ammunition into the portable dimension welders, in an attempt to stall for time. The squirming sound of a feeding Speravore. The low humming of a cancellation wave… which fails to work, and creates a giant schism in reality! The Golden Futures space station starts tearing itself apart around River, with alarms blaring and large explosions going off in the background.

◆ Conclusion

“I’ve never owned 51% of a planet before.”

Golden Futures have been tasked with launching a brand new ersatz Earth: a patchwork planet composed of various parallel realities. It will allow their masters – the Speravores – to feast on as many potential futures as they please. Meanwhile, the Doctor and River begin their investigations from the corporation offices.

I think the idea of having tailor-made dreams sounds pretty amazing, especially for someone like me who has major insomnia issues. Shame I would just be feeding some fat interdimensional squid if I signed up.

A Douglas Adams style romp through a mundane office and some ersatz realities, ‘World Enough and Time’ was an absolute delight. Though when you’ve got Colin Baker and Alex Kingston leading the charge, that’s to be expected.

PalindromeRose

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Review last edited on 3-09-24

Review of Five Twenty-Nine by PalindromeRose

3 September 2024

This review contains spoilers!

The Diary of River Song

#2.02. Five Twenty-Nine ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

You ever noticed that the world seems to be ending every other Tuesday in the Whoniverse? Sometimes, there’ll be a massive space opera as Daleks attempt to decimate reality. On other occasions, writers will focus on a small group of the soon-to-be-dead: that’s exactly what John Dorney did… and it’s about as depressing as you can get!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

River has made a terrible discovery.

Billions of lives hang in the balance. But if she can save just a few, then it might just help her solve the conundrum of Earth’s destruction.

But how can she win when survival becomes a race against time itself? A race against Five Twenty-Nine?

◆ Prof. River Song

Alex Kingston’s performance in this episode was simply divine: an exceptionally good job.

River claims that her title is complicated, but that Professor is the best choice (saves her drawing a lot of diagrams). She enjoys questions, that’s why she’s a professor; it means she can keep asking them. Emmet thinks that she’s the perfect house guest – barely troubles the sheets and doesn’t eat anything. River tells Lisa that her life is a little too complicated for children. For somewhat ironic reasons, she simply doesn’t have the time. The minute she realises that the end of the world is not even a day away, she springs into action and starts drawing up a plan to try and save the islanders. River is clearly panicking, as she’s got no idea how to save the Burrows… she has no answers to give them. She could have left the moment she found Rachel, but she wanted to save the Burrows, wanted to save just one person at least.

◆ “And now, the end is near…”

Armageddon: a scenario that writers never seem to tire of, but continue to innovate with by coming up with new and depressing ways to decimate the planet!

My favourite aspect of this episode is that we never find out what is causing the end of the world – all we know is that if your time-zone hits 5:29pm, and you’re still in it, then you’re basically doomed. Keeping us in the dark makes it so much more unnerving, as whole sections of the planet just go silent.

◆ The Burrows

When creating stories that chronicle the end of the world, it’s always interesting to focus on a small group of ordinary people trying to escape the inevitable – that’s what makes the Burrows family so likeable.

An old couple, unable to have any children of their own, sold everything and moved to this island – it was the only way they could afford to purchase a synthetic android: the same one that appeared during the end of the previous episode.

Lisa and Emmet clearly adore each other, and their daughter is a huge part of their lives… which makes the ending such a brutal gut punch. They know that 5:29pm will catch up with them eventually, so decide to just embrace it and die together – though Rachel will live on, due to River giving her a power boost. It’s a depressing end to an already bleak episode, but it’s somewhat sweet too; Lisa and Emmet loved the bones off each other, and they spent their last moments together.

◆ Sound Design

An isolated island in the middle of the sea: tranquil and beautiful… a far cry from the reality bending visuals conjured up in the last episode! Carter does an excellent job with the soundscape for ‘Five Twenty-Nine’.

Waves lap against the side of the island, whilst sheep bleat in the nearby fields. Crackling static flooding the radio waves. A gas hob being lit, and a kettle being boiled. There’s a lovely crackling fire going inside the Burrows’ family home. A radio broadcast informs the world of the 5:29 blackouts. An ethereal, piercing howl is emitted when Steven steps onto the oil rig… and drops down dead. Crackling static comes from the radio, as the UK becomes the last nation to succumb to 5:29.

◆ Conclusion

“I’m very sorry to tell you, it’s the end of the world.”

Armageddon has arrived again, killing humanity time zone by time zone. River is doing her best to try and save at least one family… but she’s fighting a losing battle.

Well this was utterly depressing! Keeping us in the dark about what is causing the 5:29 event was absolutely the right decision, because it filled me with such a sense of dread for the entire runtime. It also made it all the more sad when you realise all bar one person dies during this episode! A simply phenomenal script from Dorney, and one that I’ll definitely be returning to in future.

PalindromeRose

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Review last edited on 3-09-24

Review of The Unknown by PalindromeRose

3 September 2024

This review contains spoilers!

The Diary of River Song

#2.01. The Unknown ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

Series Two begins with an episode featuring high amounts of technobabble, which should be a recipe for disaster. Thankfully, Guy Adams made something exceptionally fun and creative instead.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

A planetary anomaly. A scientific impossibility. A mystery to be solved.

Of course, River Song expects to be consulted. She expects her valuable knowledge and experience will help the crew of the Saturnius unlock the strange phenomenon that has appeared in Earth’s solar system.

But what River doesn't expect is a stowaway. An infuriating little man, calling himself the Doctor.

◆ Prof. River Song

Alex Kingston has settled into the audio adventures quite nicely, delivering a confident performance for ‘The Unknown’.

If there’s one thing she knows, then it’s prison etiquette. River hasn’t a clue what’s going on, for once – it’s not something she’s used to, and it’s making her absolutely livid! She’s got a reasonable amount of experience when it comes to temporal problems. Hearing River properly punch Murphy in the face towards the conclusion was marvellous!

◆ The Seventh Doctor

Sylvester McCoy – the first incarnation we’re meeting up with in Series Two – puts on a magnificent show for this episode.

He has a smattering of experience when it comes to temporal problems, but refuses to elaborate in front of Prof. Song. One of his best friends is an archaeologist (nice way to mention Benny). He’s not even remotely human. The Doctor apparently holds the patent to the sonic screwdriver.

◆ Story Recap

The TARDIS and the Saturnius have both collided with a mysterious new planet… and all three objects just so happened to be halfway between physical space and the time vortex: that’s why nobody can recall how long they’ve been travelling, or details about their past.

◆ Dalí Painting

‘The Unknown’ is the sort of episode that would do exceedingly well as an animation, because it features reality bending visuals – the Saturnius stretching and melting like something out of a Salvador Dalí painting, its walls merging with that of the Doctor’s own TARDIS, as seen on the cover art.

This is far from the first time we’ve heard Guy Adams do something utterly bonkers and trippy, because he also penned the critically acclaimed ‘Tick-Tock World’ for the David Bradley team.

◆ Sound Design

I’m not a professional sound artist – nor do I claim to be – but I can these are the sort of episodes they dream about: getting the opportunity to depict reality bending and abstract environments. Howard Carter did a magnificent job.

Bleeping instruments aboard the bridge of the Saturnius, the digitized voice of its on-board computer droning away. Murphy starts smacking the engines with a blunt instrument, causing them to go haywire. Otherworldly howling winds whoosh through the engine bay. The entire Saturnius begins shaking itself apart while attempting a course correction. Physical reality warps around the crew; metal and flesh melting in unison. Creaking metal as corridors restructure themselves. Murphy duplicates as reality continues to corrode. Clucking chickens and mooing cows appear in the ship’s larder, because time is reverting all their meat packs into cattle! The Cloister Bells chime.

◆ Conclusion

“Physics is about to have a day off!”

A three-way collision between a human spaceship, the TARDIS, and a mysterious planet on the edge of the solar system. You could walk away from most space traffic accidents relatively fine… but this event has caused reality to start melting!

Guy Adams has given us the audio equivalent of a Dalí painting, with reality bending visuals that would look stunning if animated… please, someone animate this one. Series Two is off to an amazing start.

PalindromeRose

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Review last edited on 3-09-24

Review of The Rulers of the Universe by PalindromeRose

2 September 2024

This review contains spoilers!

The Diary of River Song

#1.04. The Rulers of the Universe ~ 8/10

◆ An Introduction

Following a hellish experience with someone masquerading as her husband, River’s quest to stop the SporeShips continues… and she’s got a bone to pick with the Rulers of the Universe!

But Cpt. Trust Fund himself – Bertie Potts – has employed River’s actual husband as their latest agent. Welcome to the conflict, Doctor.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

As shocking secrets are exposed, and a grand plan for the universe is revealed, River decides it's time she took control of events once and for all.

Out in deep space, a clandestine society faces off with an ancient and powerful alien force – but, for River, there's an added complication.

The Eighth Doctor has been caught in the middle, and she must make sure her future husband can arrive at his own destiny with all his memories – not to mention his lives – intact…

◆ Prof. River Song

Alex Kingston delivered a fab performance for ‘Rulers of the Universe’.

This is the third time a spaceship has taken revenge on her after she’s shot the driver! River does work well with a deadline – quite literally, since the ship she’s aboard is about to self-destruct. I love that she sneaks aboard the party ship disguised as a robot waitress, just like Spritz did the last time she was there. River eats impossible for breakfast, and has repeatedly went back in time in her robot waitress disguise so she can rig every deck of the party ship with anti-matter explosives – what a legend! She’s many things, but not a heartless assassin… well, not anymore. River informs Bertie that the first mistake the Rulers made was to annoy a psychopath with time on her hands. Their second mistake was involving her husband. She tells the Doctor that he’s always her first concern.

◆ The Eighth Doctor

Paul McGann delivered an excellent performance in this episode, and once more proves that he works wonderfully with Kingston.

He’s rather attached to his TARDIS. He accepted the Rulers’ invitation for the best reason: curiosity, that’s his weakness. The Time War isn’t his conflict; he simply tidies up the mess where he finds it. River describes this incarnation as being young, naïve, and idealistic – he thought he could run from the war, but that was never going to happen. The Doctor believes that amateurs are the best kind of anything, because they do it for the love. He’s an amateur explorer, electro-physicist, philosopher, footballer, steam engine driver… he even classes himself as an amateur doctor!

◆ Long-distance Relationship

Most people will have bought this series to hear River meeting the Eighth Doctor… which never actually happens. Our heroine spends her time in a section of the party ship from episode two with Bertie – while it’s crashing, by the way – so she’s just talking to the Doctor via an earpiece.

This is one of the major flaws with this entire range: there are only so many times River can meet the Doctor before she’s meant to and wipe his mind, WITHOUT it becoming boring. The writers are gonna need to get creative with how they explain these adventures, and this explanation just felt a bit naff to me.

◆ Death and the Rulers

Considering this story is titled ‘The Rulers of the Universe’, the eponymous group are dealt with really rather quickly – aside from Cpt. Trust Fund, who refuses to politely launch himself into the nearest event horizon!

Once the party ship gets blown to kingdom come, the whole adventure just becomes a bog-standard Time War one with the Eighth Doctor… one that just so happens to feature River. It stops feeling like her story, which is a pretty big problem in HER spin-off range!

◆ Sound Design

Howard Carter gets to showcase his usual cinematic flair in this finale with a dramatic soundscape.

Hydraulic joints, as the robot staff of the Rulers’ party ship make repairs to the manipulation suite. Alarms blare throughout “Mr Song’s” ship, as the self-destruct sequence activates. Tasteless techno music plays aboard the party ship, as the Rulers indulge in canapés and champagne. The organic interior of the SporeShip squelches under the Doctor’s feet. The party ship explodes in the distance, as the Rulers’ plans go up in smoke. The voice of the Sanukuma is a bit too close to the Hoothi, from the adaptation of ‘Love and War’. River and Bertie’s piece of the party ship smacks into a planet with a tremendous crash.

◆ Conclusion

“The fury of the self-righteous is always so tedious.”

An alien race called the Sanukuma want to take advantage of the Time War to conduct their schemes, because it just so happens that they built the SporeShips.

‘The Rulers of the Universe’ can be described in the same way one would describe this entire first series: a mixed bag. I really enjoyed the stellar performances, the brilliant post-production, but this doesn’t feel like a River Song story. This is an episode of ‘The Eighth Doctor – The Time War’ that just so happens to feature River… and also happens to appear at the end of one of her sets.

I’ve got no issues with our heroine meeting past incarnations of her husband, but at least integrate him into the story in an interesting way. I have got really conflicting feelings on this finale.

PalindromeRose

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Review last edited on 2-09-24