DOCTOR: You always were a terrible judge of character. Look at me!

BERNICE: Happily.

DOCTOR: Have you had a good life?

BERNICE: All things considered.

DOCTOR: Quite. And you’ve just saved the universe again.

BERNICE: I have, haven’t I? Something to tell the cats when I get home.

DOCTOR: Cats, eh? Plural?

BERNICE: Plural.

DOCTOR: How many? Not too many?

BERNICE: No such thing. Oh, you’re going to love them. Come on.

DOCTOR: Back home?

BERNICE: And beyond.

DOCTOR: Most armies would notice that they were fighting smoke and shadows, but not this lot, Ruby. You know why? Cos they have faith.

MUNDY: Shut up.

DOCTOR: Faith. The magic word that keeps you never having to think for yourself. Just surrender, Mundy. Just stop, and it's all over.

MUNDY: Prove it.

DOCTOR: What, seriously? Now you need proof, faith gyal?

DOCTOR: I'm a much bigger bang than you bargained for. I'm a lot more explosive than I look, and honey... I know how I look. Put a quantum chain reaction through me and I will shatter this silly little battlefield of yours into dust. All of it, in a heartbeat, into dust.

RUBY: Sorry, killed by an ambulance?

DOCTOR: Life is cheap, patients are expensive. The Villengard algorithm.

RUBY: The what?

DOCTOR: Villengard battle products are fitted with AI. The algorithm maintains a fighting force at just above the acceptable number of casualties. Keeps you fighting, keeps you dying, keeps you buying. The medical services optimise the casualty rate for continued conflict. War is business, and business is booming.

DOCTOR: Great name, Mundy Flynn. You should marry Ruby. Then you'd be Mundy Sunday. Go on, get married, I'd laugh every day.

DOCTOR: Yeah, two minutes, no lingering. Plenty more universe to see and, quite frankly, your lifespan sucks.

DOCTOR: I am a higher-dimension lifeform. I am a complex Space/Time event.

MUNDY: I'm Anglican.

RUBY: Where are we?

DOCTOR: In the middle of a war.

RUBY: Oh. I was kind of hoping for a beach.

DOCTOR: Ah. What do you think this is?

RUBY: It's not a beach.

DOCTOR: Give it time. Everywhere's a beach eventually.

DOCTOR: I thought that was non-diegetic.

RUBY: I wrote this for my friend Trudy when a girl broke her heart.

DOCTOR: ...

RUBY: Hey, but you said the TARDIS was like a chameleon, but it still looks like a police box.

DOCTOR: Oh, it's, er... it's broken. Most of the universe is knackered, babes.

RUBY: Gallifrey? And where's that?

DOCTOR: Gone! Ruby, it's gone. It's gone. They died. There was a genocide, and they died. So the one that was adopted was the only one left. I am the last of the Time Lords. And I am so, so glad to be alive.

RUBY: But hold on. I can't call you Doctor. No, I want to know your name.

DOCTOR: Yeah, that's er... that's tricky, because I was adopted, and the planet that took me in, they were kind of... they were kind of posh. They'd use titles like the Doctor, or the Bishop, or the Rani, or the Conquistador. Say Doctor for a thousand years and it becomes my name.

POPPY: We're not meant to be like this. Did we grow up wrong?

DOCTOR: Oh, Poppy. Oh, Popsicle. Look at me. Look at me. Nobody grows up wrong. You are what you are, and that is magnificent.

DOCTOR: Health and safety. Gin and tonic division.

DOCTOR: Okay. Name - the Doctor. Occupation - not a doctor. Current status - just passing by. Employer - myself. Address - that blue box over there. Now, if you don't mind, I just got snowmanned, and I would like to go home.

THE TOYMAKER: Well, that’s alright, then!

DOCTOR: It's funny, cos I wonder where the TARDIS goes at random. Maybe it lands on some outcrop by the sea. And there's a tribe and they worship it for 100 years. Then they grow up and try to burn it. Then they get wise. They preserve it. Then they build a city all around it, till the TARDIS is just a tiny little dot, surrounded by skyscrapers and monorails. Time passes and the city falls. It all gets swept away. And there's the TARDIS… still on its outcrop… by the sea. She's the only thing I've got left.

DOCTOR: I really do remember, though. Every second with you. I'm so glad you're back, cos it killed me, Donna. It killed me, it killed me, it killed me.

DOCTOR: Amazing thing, history. People always assume it's a straight line because they're in the middle of it. Viewed from outside it's more like a Möbius strip.

DOCTOR: Oh, the blossomiest blossom. That's the only sad thing. I want to know what happens next. Right, then. Doctor Whoever-I'm-about-to-be. Tag, you're it.

DOCTOR: You don’t need me telling you your family isn’t always the one you were born in. Usually it is, and that’s great, that’s fantastic, but it’s not always like that, and that’s ok. And if you do find people who love you - hold on tight.

DOCTOR: Two hearts. One happy, one sad.