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Tags: Funny
BARBARA: It isn't frozen, is it?
DOCTOR: No, impossible in this temperature. Besides, it's too warm.
— The Keys of Marinus
VORG: Our purpose is to amuse, simply to amuse. Nothing serious, nothing political.
— Carnival of Monsters
Tags: Speech
BRIGADIER: The man was mad.
DOCTOR: Yes, well, of course he was mad. But at least he realised the dangers this planet of yours is in, Brigadier. The danger of it becoming one vast garbage dump inhabited only by rats.
BRIGADIER: It’ll never happen, Doctor.
DOCTOR: It’s not the oil and the filth and the poisonous chemicals that are the real cause of pollution, Brigadier. It’s simply greed.
— Invasion of the Dinosaurs
DOCTOR: Homo sapiens. What an inventive, invincible species. It's only a few million years since they've crawled up out of the mud and learned to walk. Puny, defenceless bipeds. They've survived flood, famine and plague. They've survived cosmic wars and holocausts, and now here they are amongst the stars, waiting to begin a new life, ready to outsit eternity. They're indomitable. Indomitable!
— Fourth Doctor, The Ark in Space
D84: Please do not throw hands at me.
— D84, The Robots of Death
LEXA: Confine him. He must not be permitted down there again.
ZASTOR: No, Lexa. Very well, Doctor. This time we will go to the Power room together.
DOCTOR: Right, and let's hope that many hands will make the lights work.
— Meglos
DOCTOR: At this rate, the preparations could take years to complete.
LOGIN: Oh, generations, Doctor. We've no illusions about that.
DOCTOR: Generations?
LOGIN: Well, there's always something that needs to be perfected. A little patience goes a long way.
DOCTOR: Yes, but too much patience goes absolutely nowhere.
— Full Circle
HINDLE: You're all under arrest.
TODD: You have neither the power nor the right to arrest us.
HINDLE: You forget, I'm now in command! I have the power of life and death over all of you!
— Kinda
DOCTOR: Well, I was simply going to suggest that you banished him from the dome, left him at the mercy of the trees.
HINDLE: No, no, the trees have no mercy.
TEGAN: Am I dreaming you, is that it?
DUKKHA: Are you?
TEGAN: Or imagining you?
DUKKHA: Possibly.
TEGAN: Then I can abolish you, can't I?
(Tegan closes her eyes and concentrates, then opens them again.)
DUKKHA: Puzzling, isn't it? And by the way, one thing. You will agree to believe in me sooner or later. This side of madness or the other.
HUTCHINSON: Stop it? Are you mad? You speak treason.
(Hutchinson levels a pistol at the Doctor.)
DOCTOR: Fluently! Stop the games.
— The Awakening
DOCTOR: All over the world, fools are poised ready to let death fly. Machines of death, Morgaine. A screaming from above, of light brighter than the sun. Not a war between armies nor a war between nations, but just death, death gone mad. A child looks up in the sky, his eyes turn to cinders. No more tears, only ashes. Is this honour? Is this war? Are these the weapons you would use? Tell me!
MORGAINE: No.
DOCTOR: Then put a stop to it, Morgaine. End the madness.
— Battlefield
DOCTOR: Exotic alien swords are easy to come by. Aces are rare.
— Seventh Doctor, Battlefield
DOCTOR: Love and hate. Frightening feelings, especially when they're trapped struggling beneath the surface.
— Seventh Doctor, The Curse of Fenric
DOCTOR: It doesn’t matter to whom the cruelty is directed, the cruelty itself is wrong.
— Sixth Doctor, The Holy Terror
FROBISHER: Do you know who l am? I'm God, that’s who!
— Frobisher, The Holy Terror
These days at home, I generally try to eat only things that don’t have a central nervous system, or that I’ve knocked up in the food machine, but sometimes, when you’re a guest, qualms like that have to go out of the window, particularly on worlds ruled by intelligent plants, where you’re best advised not to ask for a celery stick and to just stick your toes in damp soil like everyone else at the table. Even then I try to stick to my principles and not eat anything with a sense of self, parliamentary democracy or sultanas in it.
— Eighth Doctor, Apocrypha Bipedium
DOCTOR: The egg that hatches out your chicken
Does in that self same chicken thicken.
— Apocrypha Bipedium
DOCTOR: No room to swing a Time Lord in here.
— Eighth Doctor, Zagreus
(Nancy hugs Jamie and a cloud of nanogenes surround them.)
ROSE: What's happening? Doctor, it's changing her, we should—
DOCTOR: Shush! Come on, please. Come on, you clever little nanogenes. Figure it out! The mother, she's the mother. It's got to be enough information. Figure it out.
ROSE: What's happening?
DOCTOR: See? Recognising the same DNA.
(Jamie lets go and Nancy falls on the ground.)
DOCTOR: Oh, come on. Give me a day like this. Give me this one.
(The Doctor removes Jamie's gas mask.)
DOCTOR: Ha-ha! Welcome back! Twenty years till pop music – you're gonna love it.
NANCY: What happened?
DOCTOR: The nanogenes recognised the superior information, the parent DNA. They didn't change you because you changed them! Ha-ha! Mother knows best!
— The Doctor Dances
EMPEROR: What are you, coward or killer?
DOCTOR: Coward. Any day.
— The Parting of the Ways
JAGO: The danger with having an open mind is that you never know what someone might come along and shove in it!
— Henry Gordon Jago, The Spirit Trap
CHARLIE: All right, all right. Look, would you believe me if I, if I said I was from another planet?
APRIL: God, yeah. You’re weird and don’t know anything about pop culture. You’re either alien or Amish. I’m totally not prejudiced.
— For Tonight We Might Die
DOCTOR: You know, I never thought that was possible. Dying well. Who wants to die well? Surely the aim should be not dying well?
— Twelfth Doctor, For Tonight We Might Die
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