[Sherwood Forest]

(Starkey and Jorjie come across a stone monument.)

JORJIE: “Here once stood the Major Oak, fabled sanctuary to the outlaw Robin Hood and his band of merry men.”
STARKEY: Well, he wouldn’t be merry anymore.
JORJIE: As a little kid, I actually believed I’d marry him when I grew up.
STARKEY: Well, he’s long gone now, just like his tree.

(Robin Hood arrives.)

ROBIN: Not so fast, lad. I’m still here and so is the Major Oak. It lives on in its new home. Robin Hood, at your service. Welcome to Sherwood Forest.

(K9 arrives.)

K9: You should be shorter.
ROBIN: Gadzooks! What sorcery is this?
JORJIE: For the record, I think you’re the perfect height. Wait, you know Robin Hood? I mean, the real one?
K9: Wander through space and time long enough, you meet all sorts. And in his day, people were shorter.
ROBIN: But I am the real Robin Hood.
STARKEY: I just have to ask, why the tights?
ROBIN: Look, it was the fashion at the time. Was chilly.
K9: Confirmed. Britain was on average 3 degrees colder in the Middle Ages.
ROBIN: Aye, but pollution has changed all that. The proud oaks and the beautiful silver birches of the England of yore are all cut down or died out… (He glitches.) Died out. Died out. Died out.
K9: Warning! Alien threat detected.
VOICE: Would all patrons please proceed to the nearest exit.

(Starkey and Jorjie remove their glasses.)

[London Museum]

(Starkey and Jorjie have been in a simulation. They see that in the real world people are fleeing.)

JORJIE: What’s going on?

[Department camo]

TECHNICIAN: Inspector. Communications are jamming.
JUNE: Not possible. We control all the communications in London and we aren’t jamming our own signals.
TECHNICIAN: There’s magnetic interference. Signal is of alien origin.
JUNE: Which sector?
TECHNICIAN: Sector SE14 Delta.
JUNE: Can we manage a patch into the nearest CCPC in that area?
TECHNICIAN: Roger that. Receiving vision from CCPC Officer in 3… 2… 1…

(The screen shows a CCPC stumbling about.)

CCPC: (On screen) Alert. Alert. (Unclear) malfunction. (Unclear) malfunction. What are my orders? What are my orders?
JUNE: Driver, proceed directly to the London Museum and fast.

[London Museum]

(The CCPCs are stumbling and knocking things over.)

CCPC: What are my orders? What are my orders?

(The curator is on his vidcom.)

CURATOR: No, we haven’t misplaced it. For the love of Darwin, it’s a 15-metre-tall tree. It’s been stolen.
K9: Alien species unidentified. Course of action: investigate.

(K9 flies off. Starkey and Jorjie follow.)

STARKEY: Come on.
JORJIE: Where?
CCPC: Attempting to (unclear) suspect.
CURATOR: I am not a suspect!

(Starkey and Jorjie arrive near the curator. The Major Oak is missing and there is a hard deposit where it once stood.)

JORJIE: Robin Hood’s tree!
STARKEY: The Great Oak. It’s gone.
K9: I am detecting abnormal levels of magnetic interference. Oh, and Jorjie’s mother.
JORJIE: Mum?

(June arrives. She does not see Starkey or Jorjie.)

JUNE: Command override. Turner J dash 943 sigma. (The CCPCs stop.) What’s going on here?
CURATOR: The Great Oak’s been stolen and your CCPCs think I’m a suspect!
K9: I believe the suspect is not the museum curator but of alien origin.

(Starkey notices the deposit where the tree once was.)

STARKEY: What is this stuff?
JORJIE: It’s as hard as rock.
STARKEY: K9, this looks alien to me.
K9: Scanning. Substance is unknown. Further examination required. Please step back. Acquiring sample. (K9 cuts off a section with his cannon.) Sample acquired.

(Starkey picks it up.)

STARKEY: Got it. Come on. We’re not here.

[The main hall]

(Gryffen is repairing the Space-Time Manipulator.)

REPORTER: (On radio) There has been public outcry about what many are calling the crime of the century. It has Whitehall reeling. These criminals have stolen a piece of our collective childhood. Robin Hood, Little John, Friar Tuck. It’s enough to make you weep.

(Starkey, Jorjie and K9 come upstairs.)

STARKEY: Gryffen! Gryffen!
GRYFFEN: Any mail?
JORJIE: No.
STARKEY: No.
GRYFFEN: Are you sure?
STARKEY AND JORJIE: Yes!
STARKEY: Uh, but we did get this, though. From the museum.

(He hands the deposit to Gryffen.)

GRYFFEN: Well, well, well.
K9: The sample is emitting a high-pitched frequency.
GRYFFEN: What have we here?

(Gryffen leaves. Starkey and Jorjie follow.)

STARKEY: Come on, boy.
K9: This unit is not a boy.

[London Museum]

(June is examining the crime scene. Drake arrives.)

JUNE: Just what are you doing?
DRAKE: Orders from Lomax. This xenomorph’s has been classed an A-level threat, which means it’s time to let the big boys play. Step aside, Turner.
JUNE: This is not your jurisdiction.

(Drake picks up a sample of the deposit.)

[The laboratory]

(Gryffen has the cyclotron analyse the sample.)

K9: Interfacing now. Sample generator electromagnetic interference. (The cyclotron sparks.) Professor!
GRYFFEN: Hawking’s ghost! What was that?
STARKEY: That must be what sent the fuzzbots’ optics loopy at the museum.
JORJIE: Then, why weren’t you affected?
K9: Unlike the antiquated robots of your time, my electromagnetic shielding is impenetrable.

(Darius arrives.)

DARIUS: Do you know if the museum is offering a reward?
JORJIE: Don’t you think about anything else?
GRYFFEN: Uh, Darius. My invite to the Annual Bournedecker Awards for Scientific Excellence. Did the post office have it?
DARIUS: Sorry, prof.
STARKEY: Don’t tell me you’re actually thinking of leaving the house.
GRYFFEN: Don’t be absurd. Every year, my genius warrants an invite and every year, I don’t show up. It’s tradition.
DARIUS: Well, maybe the postman lost it.

[Street]

(Mail is strewn across the street.)

PATRICK: Hey, hey! Hey, stealing from Royal Mail’s an offence, you know!

[Sewers]

(Patrick is trapped, covered in the alien substance. He screams.)

[The laboratory]

GRYFFEN: That’s interesting. Hydrocarbon cellulose, printer’s ink and… It’s papier mâché.
STARKEY: Papier mâché?
K9: Fascinating, isn’t it?
GRYFFEN: Whatever lifeform we’re dealing with here has added something, altering its atomic structure.
STARKEY: But why did they choose this tree?
GRYFFEN: Many species only target one form of vegetation. Given what this one can do with recycled paper, I’d hate to see what it could do with vintage quality hardwood.
K9: I suggest we return to the scene of the crime so that I can sniff – that is, scan – for any trail that they may have left behind.
JORJIE: But the museum’s got to be crawling with Department goons by now.
STARKEY: But we don’t have to go back there. We know where to find the thieves. Straight down.

[Sewers]

(K9 is leading the way for Starkey, Jorjie and Darius.)

K9: Tracking.
DARIUS: Seriously? The museum better be coughing up a reward for this stupid tree, not to mention some free dry cleaning.
JORJIE: Some things are more important than money.
DARIUS: Yeah, right. Shall we all be like Robin Hood, stealing from the rich to give to the poor? Where did that get him?

[The main hall]

(Gryffen is watching on his screen.)

JORJIE: (Over communicator) A place in history.
GRYFFEN: K9? K9? Is everything all right?
K9: (Over communicator) All systems normal. Just a spike in electromagnetic interference. (He spots oak leaves on the floor.) Ah, contact.
GRYFFEN: I see it, K9. Oak leaves. Wait.

[Department camo]

(June is at the computer. She makes contact with Gryffen.)

JUNE: Gryffen? I could do with your input. The thieves left behind an unidentified substance. It’s got my lab techs stumped.

[The main hall]

GRYFFEN: That’s because they’re slow-witted! I’ve already obtained a sample and unravelled its mysteries.

[Department camo]

JUNE: K9?

[The main hall]

GRYFFEN: Well, yes.
JUNE: (Over communicator) Until we get the ransom demands, analysing that stuff is our only clue.
GRYFFEN: Ransom demands? These creatures aren’t looking to trade. They’ve already got what they came for.

[Department camo]

(Drake enters behind her.)

JUNE: Send me everything you have.
DRAKE: It seems you couldn’t see the forest for all of the trees. That’s quite a misstep, Turner.

[The main hall]

(The screen shows that K9 has found a large amount of the alien substance.)

K9: (Over communicator) Are you seeing this, Gryffen?
GRYFFEN: Oh, yes.
DARIUS: (Over communicator) Where’d that come from?

[Sewers]

GRYFFEN: (Over communicator) Someone’s clearly been making themselves at home.
DARIUS: Okay, now I’m really starting to get creeped out.
JORJIE: Just try not to trip yourself up when you run away.
DARIUS: Be nice.

(Jorjie and Darius go ahead. Starkey finds more slimy oak leaves on the floor.)

STARKEY: Hey, Jorjie. Guys? Guys?

[The main hall]

GRYFFEN: K9? Is everything okay?

[Sewers]

GRYFFEN: (Over communicator) Umm, K9. You seem to be confused.
K9: No problem, professor. I’m sure it’s this way
GRYFFEN: (Over communicator) K9, I’m losing visuals.
K9: I’m experiencing 86% electromagnetic interference.
GRYFFEN: (Over communicator) Is it the same interference caused by the sample at the museum?
K9: Affirmative. It seems to be.
GRYFFEN: (Over communicator) K9? K9, are you hearing…?

(Gryffen cuts out. K9 hovers, unmoving.)

DARIUS: What’s he doing? Oh, great. First the metal mutt gets us lost and now he’s totally lost it.
K9: The electromagnetic interference is getting worse.
DARIUS: Oh, another great! We’ve lost Dork Reality.
JORJIE: Starkey?

(Starkey is further back.)

STARKEY: K9? Jorjie? Darius? Get a grip, Starkey. (His torch starts failing.) How old is this thing? (It cuts out completely.)
DARIUS: What was that?
JORJIE: Starkey!

(Starkey has been knocked out and is being dragged away by something.)

DARIUS: I’m pretty sure we’re going in circles.
JORJIE: K9, are you sure this is the right way?
K9: Certain.

[The main hall]

GRYFFEN: K9, the vidlink’s going haywire. You sure everything’s all right at your end?
K9: (Over communicator) Affirmative.

[Sewers]

DARIUS: Let’s get moving.

[The main hall]

GRYFFEN: Right. K9 is confused. Something is tampering with his circuits. What did he say? The sample was emitting a high-pitched frequency. Like a dog whistle. K9? K9, do you read me? It’s a distress signal. K9? Oh, come on. It’s trying to talk to you.

[Lair]

(Starkey wakes up, encased in the alien substance just like Patrick.)

STARKEY: Hello? You’re so going to cop it once Jorjie founds out what you’ve done to Robin Hood’s tree!
PATRICK: Psst. Oi, kid. This Jorjie of yours doesn’t happen to be a super soldier with a couple of bazookas, does he?
STARKEY: Well, no, but she is fairly tough for a fourteen-year-old girl.
PATRICK: Pity. I guess we’re toast, then. (He sobs.) I’m Patrick, by the way.
STARKEY: Pat like Postman Pat?

(Starkey struggles to get his dog whistle to his mouth.)

PATRICK: Pat-rick. What’s that? What are you doing? (Starkey blows his dog whistle.) What have you done!?

(The Centuripede arrives.)

STARKEY: You weren’t supposed to hear that.

[The main hall]

GRYFFEN: K9. Starkey. Do you read me?

[Sewers]

K9: Professor. The magnetic interference has weakened.

[The main hall]

GRYFFEN: K9, it’s a distress signal.

[Sewers]

K9: It seems the magnetic signal that has been disrupting this unit now matches the pitch of a dog whistle.
DARIUS: K9, you know I need it explained a little bit easier. And, uh, we’re in sewer, so can you hurry it up a bit.

[The main hall]

GRYFFEN: It means that’s why he’s been confused. He’s been following an alien distress signal.

[Sewers]

JORJIE: Like a dog whistle.
K9: Distress call or not, I shall treat it as hostile until the young master is safe.

[Lair]

(Starkey keeps blowing his dog whistle. The Centuripede releases him and Patrick using its pincers.)

STARKEY: I think it’s letting us go. (He notices eggs.) Eggs.

(Starkey keeps blowing the whistle.)

PATRICK: Blow harder, kid!

(K9 flies in.)

K9: I’m here, young master.
STARKEY: K9!

(Jorjie and Darius arrive.)

JORJIE: Starkey!
K9: Preparing to neutralise.
STARKEY: Eggs. Of course. K9, wait! Take a look at where we are! The ground. Look, eggs. She’s a mother.
K9: Processing environment.
JORJIE: K9, can’t you see? We’re in a hatchery.
K9: Starkey.
STARKEY: Just trust me, K9! She doesn’t want to attack us and she certainly doesn’t want to eat us. She’s just trying to protect her babies.

[The main hall]

(Gryffen is reading a book.)

GRYFFEN: K9, Starkey’s right. Don’t attack the Centuripede. She won’t harm you. She’s here to build a pod to transport her eggs.

[Lair]

K9: An interstellar baby carriage?
DARIUS: Whoa, a spaceship made out of wood and centipede spit.

[The main hall]

GRYFFEN: But not just any wood. She needed oak pulp specifically. Don’t you see? These creatures could well have been coming to secretly nest in our forests for thousands of years.

[Lair]

JORJIE: But there are no more oak forests.

[The main hall]

GRYFFEN: Then this very well might be the last time we witness the spawning of the Centuripede on Earth.

(June appears on his screen.)

JUNE: (Over communicator) Gryffen? It’s June. The situation has changed.
GRYFFEN: I’ll say! By a giant insect from outer space. The magnetic interference was a distress signal. I think we found a way to communicate with the alien.

[Department camo]

JUNE: Forget the alien. It’s history. K9 too if Drake catches him down there.

[The main hall]

GRYFFEN: Oh, fig.

[Sewers]

(Drake is using a beeping device to find his way.)

[Lair]

PATRICK: So, it didn’t come from Mars to read other people’s mail.
DARIUS: He just needed some paper so he could make his electromagnetic gunk and nick a tree.
GRYFFEN: (Over communicator) I’m afraid we’ve got bigger problems.
K9: The Department?

[The main hall]

GRYFFEN: One of their worst. He’s locked onto your heat signatures and is heading straight for you.

[Lair]

DARIUS: What’s say we call it a day?
JORJIE: Darius!

(Patrick leaves.)

STARKEY: There’s no way we can let that happen! K9! I thought you said your electromagnetic shielding was impenetrable.
K9: Affirmative. Ish.
STARKEY: Look, the professor said this creep’s tracking our signal. Can you mask it?
K9: Masking now.

[Sewers]

(Drake’s device loses the signal.)

DRAKE: Fine. You jokers want to play? Let’s play. (He inserts a code into his briefcase.) Here we go.

(Drake leaves. A display on the briefcase counts down from 4 minutes. It releases a gas.)

[Lair]

K9: Danger! Danger!

(He detects tetragliceride.)

[The main hall]

GRYFFEN: That’s flash vapour! When the countdown reaches zero, it’ll blow.

[Lair]

K9: Evacuate! Time to go.
DARIUS: Well, consider us gone, then. Jorjie, Starkey.
PATRICK: Sorry, sweetheart. Your boyfriend’s right. (He picks Jorjie up.) He’s not my boyfriend! Put me down!

(Patrick carries Jorjie off. Darius goes too.)

K9: That means you too, Starkey. Come on.

[Sewers]

DARIUS: Leg it!
JORJIE: How dare you!

[Lair]

STARKEY: This isn’t right. They’re a family.
K9: Starkey, you have to go. I will try to keep the gas out but there is no guarantee it’ll buy the creature enough time.
STARKEY: Then I’ll make time.
K9: Initiating photon spread. (He fires his cannon and creates a shield blocking the passage.) I’ll hold back the vapour as long as I can. Hurry, young master!

(Starkey picks up one of the eggs.)

STARKEY: Families should be together.
K9: Still holding, young master!

(Starkey holds the egg out to the Centuripede. The egg hovers into a glowing pink ball.)

[Sewers]

(Jorjie, Darius and Patrick are running.)

[Lair]

K9: Hurry, Starkey. My power supply is depleting. Power supply at 26%.

(Starkey picks up another egg.)

[Sewers]

(Jorjie, Darius and Patrick are running.)

[Lair]

K9: Can’t hold! Using maximum power available.

[Sewers]

(Jorjie, Darius and Patrick reach a ladder.)

PATRICK: (unclear).
DARIUS: Go, go, go!

(Patrick pushes in front of Jorjie.)

PATRICK: Leave it to me, girlie

(He climbs. Jorjie follows. Darius spots a post bag on the floor.)

DARIUS: Post bag? Jackpot. (He rifles through the mail until he finds the one he is looking for.) Sweet, the prof’s invite. Looks like reward time.

[Street]

(Jorjie and Patrick help Darius out of a manhole.)

PATRICK: Where are they?

[Lair]

STARKEY: We’ve done it.
K9: Can’t hold power much longer.

(The glowing ball ascends. The Centuripede collapses and stops moving.)

K9: Systems failure. Energy banks depleted.
(K9’s cannon fails and the shield disappears. The Centuripede’s body starts to glow.

[Street]

DARIUS: Where are they?

[Lair]

(A butterfly-like creature emerges from the Centuripede’s body.)

[Street]

(Jorjie, Darius and Patrick hear an explosion in the sewers.)

JORJIE: They’re still in there!
DARIUS: They couldn’t have survived that.
PATRICK: Look. Up in the sky.

(The butterfly and its eight children flying upwards with the glowing ball.)

JORJIE: Starkey’s gone.
DARIUS: The metal mutt too.
STARKEY: Beautiful, wasn’t she?

(Starkey is stood behind them with K9.)

JORJIE: Starkey!
STARKEY: They gave us a lift.
K9: And don’t forget the gift she gave you in appreciation.

(Starkey hands Jorjie some acorns.)

STARKEY: And these
JORJIE: Where did they come from?
STARKEY: She had them stashed in her nest from way back in Robin Hood’s day. It’s the best day ever.

(Darius crouches and holds the letter in front of K9.)

DARIUS: Hey, professor, are you in there? Check it out. You got mail.
GRYFFEN: (Over communicator) A Bournedecker Awards invite! Outstanding! I can’t wait not to go.
DARIUS: Yeah, but first, let’s discuss my finder’s fee.

(Patrick grabs Darius by his jacket and takes the letter from him.)

PATRICK: Oi, give that back! You can’t sell people their own mail.
DARIUS: Right.

(Darius grabs the letter back and runs.)

PATRICK: Hey!

(Starkey and Jorjie laugh.)

STARKEY: Not much of a family, but it’ll have to do, yeah?
K9: Yes, it will, young master.

(Starkey and Jorjie laugh.)

Transcript originally provided by Chrissie. Adapted by TARDIS.guide. The transcripts are for educational and entertainment purposes only. All other copyrights property of their respective holders.