MR 081: The Kingmaker

Fun fact, this story was made directly for me. It's true! If you look at the back of the CD it says "for Slytherin" on the back of it. I will accept this love letter directly from Nev Fountain and accept his proposal of marriage. Move over Nicola Bryant, he's my man now.

I couldn't have asked for a better satire of everything I hate about this franchise. Fixed points in time. Refusing to alter history. Killing people to make sure history stays on course as you remember it. It reminds me of when Klein called out the Seventh Doctor in Colditz. You don't have a principled opposition to Nazism. It's all hollow words. You only care about keeping the timeline the same as you remember it. If you came from the timeline where the Nazis won the war, you'd want to preserve that timeline and change it back if it changed to the timeline where they lost.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. We start with the Doctor getting a robot appearing in his TARDIS. One which is demanding that he fulfill his authorial obligations. You see, the robot comes from a time where one publishing house has a monopoly on all written works and at one point, as the Third Doctor, he had signed a contract to write some children's books about his life. Of course he sure hasn't finished them. One only wonders how many robots have been sent to George R R Martin.

Thus he's going to write his book "Doctor Who Discovers Historical Mysteries." The series was originally called "The Doctor, Who Discovers...." but the publisher made a typo. He's going to investigate Richard III and see what happened to those princes who everyone assumes Richard had executed.

Only problem is that he's got himself separated from Peri and Erimem. They're two years in the past. There's a fun sequence where they're passing notes to each other. Peri leaves a note with an innkeeper and then the Doctor writes a note to Peri, making sure to remember to drop it off later (he doesn't remember until he's Christopher Eccleston, naturally).

In the meantime, Richard III, on his way to escort his nephew to be the new king after his brother died, encounters a rather strange man claiming to be from the future. He is dressed all in black, has a little pointed beard, and says his name is Mr. Satan who wants to be Richard's advisor. He has his traveling cabinet taken on a cart which reminds me of the First Doctor story Marco Polo.

Peri and Erimem are in that time as well and they get hired by the innkeeper. The very inn that Richard's entourage passes through. They see the princes and Peri is determined to save them, but Erimem says they must not interfere with history and have to let them die. It's the opposite of when we last had this discussion in Council of Nicaea. Erimem was the one who cared about what was happening while Peri had bought into the Doctor's propaganda. It's very curious to see Erimem be the one to buy into said Doctor's propaganda this time, considering every time we have this discussion it's always the future for her. Indeed, this is the DISTANT future for Erimem.

Peri pulls off a piece of metal and thinks they're robots. They end up getting caught up in the entourage when later they're talking about how the princes must be murdered. A conspirator hears that and agrees, wanting to strike up a rebellion against Richard. The princes dying in his care would hopefully get enough people to turn on him. And so he gets Peri and Erimem into the tower to poison the princes.

I love what we do with this next. Erimem argues that this is a "sacrifice." A human sacrifice to keep the gods appeased. The god of time in this case, presumably. It does a very good job of showing just how f**ked up the idea of killing someone to keep the timeline the same as you remember it really is. I see why the writer had Erimem parrot the changing time bad propaganda here, to show it for what it really is: barbaric.

Meanwhile the Doctor gets captured by Richard after this rebellion has already failed and has some fantastic conversations with him where Richard calls him the hell out. I'm just going to quote some of my favorite lines and dialogue here because it really does speak for itself. Bare with me here because this really is the heart of this story, so we're going to be here for a hot second:

RICHARD: You see, I know about you, Doctor. I might not know everything, but I now the type of person you are. The kind of preachy, namby-pamby, wishy-washy, holier than thou, lily-livered milksop you are. The kind who doesn’t make hard choices, the person who just waltzes into a King’s life to do research on him.

RICHARD: Well, I don’t do jokes. Just ask Bucko over there.

DOCTOR: A bit difficult, as you tortured him and left him to die.

RICHARD: Ah, I take it by your tone you don’t approve. I’m surprised.

DOCTOR: Surprised? That anyone can feel anything for the suffering of others? You call yourself a King? You should be ashamed of yourself. This man is dead due to your neglect.

RICHARD: And that’s a bad thing, is it?

DOCTOR: How can you even ask that?

RICHARD: But that’s my job, isn’t it? To kill him. He betrays me, I kill him. That’s the way the story goes.

DOCTOR: You can’t hide behind fate. You made the original decision, and Time holds you to it. There is such a thing as free will, you know.

RICHARD: Is there? Well, permit me to test a theory. Bucko? Bucko, me boy? Still alive? Wakey, wakey, rise and shine.

(Stafford groans.)

RICHARD: Well, who’d have thought it. He’s still kicking. Well, well. So here’s the thing. I’ve had an attack of conscience. I’ve decided to repent. I'll let him go. That all right? You just have to say the word. Would you like me to let him go? Go on, ask me. Ask me to let him go. Of course you can’t, because that’d be wrong, wouldn’t it? He’s meant to die, isn’t he? You wouldn’t permit me to do anything else, would you?

DOCTOR: I am not the architect of your life.

RICHARD: Oh no, I wouldn’t say architect. More like a god. You see past, present, and future, and make sure we all act according to the rules. In fact, you’re worse than a god. At least a god allows his subjects to repent.

I LOVE this conversation SO MUCH. Richard is 100% correct. The Doctor is a hypocrite for calling out Richard for killing this man, but absolutely would not lift a finger to save him. And the Doctor can't pretend like free will exists when he thinks someone is "meant to die" or is "fated to die." This person dies in the history you remember, so saving him would be a bad thing. It's f**ked up. And Richard knows it. You can't sit there and act like it's bad that I kill him when you want me to kill him too. He does this again a little later in the conversation as well.

RICHARD: Are these bits of pottery yours? Commemorating the happy coronation of Edward the Fifth, King of England, on this day the 24" of June 1483. Oh, that would have been a good bash. Shame how fate makes things turn out.

DOCTOR: Oh, it’s fate now. Is this another attempt to wriggle out of responsibility for your own actions?

RICHARD: We have exactly the same dilemma, you and me.

DOCTOR: I sincerely doubt that.

RICHARD: Oh yes. Civilization as we know it is hanging in the balance, and we have to sort it out. But sadly, there’s some as get killed along the way. But you can’t stop, you can’t worry about them. Who knows, perhaps their deaths might even be useful in the grand scheme of things.

DOCTOR: That is a ridiculous argument. You can’t equate your own petty political ambitions with events which threaten the nature of existence.

RICHARD: That’s exactly what I’m doing.

The Doctor is hypocritical as hell here to say that Richard is trying to use fate to wriggle out of responsibility for his own actions... BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE DOES. It's not me, it's fate. These people are meant to die. This is a fixed point in time. I can't do anything to change it. I can't save these people's lives. We saw this in Medicinal Purposes where the Doctor killed a kid. And we saw this in Scaredy Cat where the Doctor committed genocide to keep history the way he remembered it. It's not my fault. It's fate. I am destined to cause this because that's what history says happened. And continuing with that theme:

RICHARD: For the moment we have two kids in the Tower, still alive. They shouldn’t be there by rights. If I am what my reputation says I am, i.e. a conniving black-hearted villain, I want them dead. And if you are what your reputation says you are, i.e. an heroic protector of the Web of Time, you want them dead too. Stop me if I’m going too fast.

DOCTOR: No, it’s all very clear.

RICHARD: You wrote, PS don’t try to find out who killed the Princes on your own. These are dangerous times. Do you really want to know who killed them? I'll let you into a little secret. You do. You kill ‘em.

DOCTOR: I think I know where this is leading.

RICHARD: Good. I like a quick learner. I’m making it your choice. I’m allowing you to do the right thing. I’m letting you win.

TYRELL: You sent for me, Sire?

RICHARD: Ah, Mister Tyrell. Glad you could join us.

DOCTOR: Wish I could say the same.

(Door closes.)

RICHARD: Oh hush. Now, Sir James, I’ve granted the Doctor leave to be our King for the day.

TYRELL: Our what?

DOCTOR: Your what?

RICHARD: He’s going to order you to execute our two young friends in the Tower.

TYRELL: Our two... what?

RICHARD: Yes, them.

TYRELL: Right. What?

RICHARD: If he doesn’t order you to execute them, then his silence will be your order to let them go.

TYRELL: To let them...?

RICHARD: Go. Yes. Did you get that?

RICHARD: Just do as the Doctor asks. He is Lord God Almighty and his word is law. All right? So, Doctor, the ball’s in your court.

DOCTOR: I can’t change anything.

RICHARD: Yes, you can.

RICHARD: Then your choice is simple, isn’t it?

DOCTOR: I will not be party to this.

RICHARD: Hedge and bluster, Doctor, you are party to this. Come on, time’s running out. Literally. There it goes. Tick tock, tick tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

RICHARD: Last chance, Doctor. He can’t be squeamish here. It’s for the greater good.

RICHARD: He can’t afford to be weak. He can’t have a picture in your head of those two poor defenseless brothers crying out for mercy.

This is so good. When your whole changing time propaganda is reduced to what it really is. Murder. Are you willing to commit murder for the sake of keeping the timeline the way you remember it? Really? I love that line. Don't think about the poor defenseless boys crying out for mercy as they're cut down because they're "fated to die" and thus you're making the right decision to kill them. It's especially effective considering the ending of Medicinal Purposes where the Doctor does indeed kill a kid to keep the timeline the way he remembers. Indeed, this story, this exact scene could be a direct response to that one.

During this conversation, as well, Richard reveals that he's been visited by time travelers all his life ever since he was a kid. Time tourists who want to see the notorious villain and have strong opinions on whether or not he should kill his nephews. It's a premise I've often thought about for a comedy skit. Hitler going about his day while assassins show up from the future to kill him, only they keep failing in humorous ways. The story uses it for humor and also takes it seriously, as good satire does. Richard has been told his history so often that he finds it all meaningless. He's been testing the Doctor here. The Doctor is continuously trying to take his hands off and pretend like he's not responsible. That he's above it all. But really and truly, if he really believes what he does about not changing history then he shouldn't have any problem getting his hands dirty to make it happen. Indeed, believing that history shouldn't ever be changed necessarily requires you to be on board with a lot of evil, you can't really be a good person, as a time traveler, and believe that. And Richard is perfectly fine with watching the Doctor fidget in discomfort at that confliction.

Unfortunately, the story takes the cop out way out of this. The Doctor doesn't need to order the death of the princes, because it's not really them. You see, Richard actually loved his brother and his brother's kids and didn't want to kill them. Nor did he ever really want power. It turned out that the princes were really girls the whole time, the previous king not wanting to stop the family lineage. So Richard declared them bastards and took power for himself, so that he didn't have to reveal that they were really girls the whole time and that the king was deceiving everyone.

The princesses were taken in by their other relative who was hiding out as an innkeeper this whole time. The two princes in the tower were Peri and Erimem who had been disguised as them. The metal part Peri pulled off at the beginning was a cod piece to make it look like they were boys.

I do have to mention, real quick, how Erimem suggests that she and Peri kill themselves to preserve the timeline. They're not supposed to be the princesses and they're interfering in time just by being here, which they can't take back. So if they kill themselves they are no longer changing the timeline as time travelers. I LOVE this so much as well. This is a natural conclusion to the changing time bad argument. You just shouldn't travel through time at all if you believe that, because just by existing in a place you are changing history. Nevermind interacting with it. Erimem is a great vessel in this story to talk about how bad that line of argumentation really is.

It's a bit of a cop out because it wraps this all up nice and neatly without the Doctor having to get his hands dirty. He even mentions the CIA slogan, "the story changes, but the ending stays the same." We then find out the ultimate reveal in the last episode here. Mr. Satan was actually William Shakespeare. Richard was just kind of stringing him along because he was well used to time travelers by now. Shakespeare ended up hitching a ride in the TARDIS. He wanted to convince Richard to actually kill the princes himself so that his play about Richard killing the princes wouldn't be seen as propaganda for the royal family.

The Doctor takes Shakespeare back to his time where Richard sees the play where he's the villain and depicted badly. And we're treated to a fun romp of Shakespeare being chased around by an angry Richard. And then finally Shakespeare and Richard switch places. Shakespeare dies in battle and Richard writes the rest of Shakespeare's plays. The end.

It's a very humorous story throughout with some real meat in the middle there. The humor is very well written and very well performed. Richard III is very deadpan in his delivery, which works very well. The Fifth Doctor's sarcasm is pretty well used here. He's usually quite boring, of course, but this story works very well for him and only really for him. As the Doctor most obsessed with not changing history and the most passive of the Doctors, being chained up to a wall and called out for that bs by Richard III himself works quite well. It wouldn't work as well with any other Doctor, I don't think. Those are the best stories with this Doctor, those where his passivity is key to the story working well.

One of the most interesting things here, to me, is that Richard III is played by someone with a northern English accent, the same accent as Christopher Eccleston. That feels extremely intentional. As if the future Doctor is calling out his past self for these bad beliefs. I love it.

I love this story. I love the comedy. I love the use of the Fifth Doctor here. Rare Fifth Doctor W. I love the sharp wit. I love the satire of the concepts of changing time bad and fixed points in time. I love all of it. This is easily one of the best, if not the best, of the MR so far for me. I'm giving it six out of a possible five slop buckets, and I whole heartly recommend it for everyone to listen to. Even if you don't like the Fifth Doctor. And it should be required listening for every writer the moment they even THINK about inserting the phrase "web of time" into their story.

The Monthly Adventures #81 - "The Kingmaker" by Nev Fountain

Writing an audio-only comedy is a pretty damn commendable feat; robbed of the use of body language and visual gags, all you're left with is the dialogue and, if you’re clever, some sound effects. With the Main Range, a comedy could be one of two things: a good time or something absolutely awful. Nev Fountain’s previous work - Omega - whilst not an outward comedy had some great, humorous leanings, so when he put his pen to a purposefully humorous script, it seemed like nothing could go wrong. And for once, that statement proved accurate.

The Doctor’s writing a book. Or he was anyway, before he gave it up. Hounded by publishers, the Time Lord’s finally decided to begin his research on the death of the Princes in the Tower. But upon arrival in the 1400s, he discovers history to be far stranger than it once seemed.

(CONTAINS SPOILERS)

The one thing I can describe The Kingmaker as is “fun”. This a properly joyous script that is full to the bursting with character and charm seeping from every pore. Fountain is a writer who I previously praised for his witty and fluid style, and here he has that in spades. This is a funny script, it uses our characters incredibly well to create comedy and almost all of the jokes land. There’s such a brilliant personality to this audio that makes it a true joy to listen to. I think the real crux of the whole thing is dialogue, which Fountain has a real affinity for. Everything just flows off the page, witticism after witticism falling like dominoes, one after the other, and it’s never overwhelming nor is it ever absent. It’s a wonderfully balanced script that lends a nice feeling of movement to the story.

But who’s delivering our so very excellent dialogue? Well, it’s a pretty damn good cast, who are all on top form throughout. From the dry, humourless drawl of Richard III to the believably over the top Mr. Seyton, we have a well characterised and performed side cast on our hands. A few of the old-timey accents can blend together at points but for the most part, they’re all on top form. This includes our main cast, who are much more tolerable than their last appearance. Erimem and Peri’s relationship has some nice exploration, what with them being stranded without the Doctor and the Doctor himself is at his most cunning and energetic, Davison perfect for the youthful quips the character goes through. We even get a wonderful little cameo from the Fourth Doctor (who I could’ve sworn was being played by Baker but was in fact played by Jon Culshaw) and even a reference to the newly aired Ninth Doctor.

Nev Fountain also excels when it comes to his story. Whilst I have some issues with it, this is for the most part an exceedingly intelligent script with some great bells and whistles added. For one, the actual plot - detailing the Doctor and his companions being separated by two years in the time of Henry III - is really expertly written and managed, especially since it jumps across about three different time streams seamlessly and traverses a whole two years without ever feeling confused or muddled. That alone is a truly incredible accomplishment but then you have all the different subplots and mysteries coming together at the end. The final part to this is truly excellent and easily my favourite part. It all begins with the Part Three twist, where the mysterious Mr. Seyton, who's clearly meant to seem like the Master in disguise, is revealed to actually be… William Shakespeare. Yeah, the main antagonist of The Kingmaker is actual, honest to god William Shakespeare and it’s great; miles better than professional twazzock Gareth Robert’s version. Then comes an absolute maelstrom of events that eventually ends with Shakespeare and Richard III switching places in history, the former dying at the Battle of Bosworth and the latter going onto write all plays after Richard III. It’s a really satisfying ending that manages to pull together a decidedly messy story satisfactorily with the use of a number of really well set up Chekhov guns.

The conclusion is absolutely brilliant and was truly a great way to end a great story, but I have to complain about part one through three. As much as I find the style and humour and character of this story brilliant, it’s actual, well, story remains to be seen. I wasn’t really all that invested in the plot of this thing, which is fine considering I was just enjoying the personality of it all but does mean I wasn’t too attached to the characters or what was going on. Up until the Part Three twist, it’s really a lot of set up and back and forth, the third part is basically just switching between two different conversations. It’s not egregiously terrible but it’s one of those stories that’s all just set up for the ending rather than being a plot in its own right. And the thing is, that set up lasts forever. This rather lightweight comedy clocks in at nearly two and a half hours and let me tell you that under no circumstances should it have been that long. If the final part didn’t click into overdrive so quickly, it might’ve even begun to lose me.

But thankfully, it did not. The Kingmaker isn’t a particularly deep story, but it is an incredibly clever one with more than a few great laughs in it. Whilst as a narrative piece of fiction, it’s not the most compelling thing, Fountain’s clear and present style and excellent sense of humour more than make up for it and I can confidently call The Kingmaker a blast: a rollicking, spirited, unrestrained blast, and I can wholeheartedly recommend it.

8/10

Pros:

+ Genuinely hilarious and witty

+ Brilliant cast on top form

+ Astonishingly fluid dialogue

+ Manages a complicated story seamlessly

+ Great conclusion that ties together the story well

Cons:

- A little long for its own good

- I find it hard to care about the actual story

This was obnoxious to listen to, and I say that as someone who usually likes Nev’s audios. Coupled with the two-hour length, I couldn’t finish this one. The jokes weren’t amusing and the entire story was too over the top for my liking (I also don’t care for the meta aspect). Three stars is because I like Perimem working together and, even though I don’t care for the plot, it was original. That’s about it.

I really enjoyed the humour and fun of this story, though episode 4 got a bit too complicated for me.

This is part of a series of reviews of Doctor Who in chronological timeline order.

Previous Story: The Council of Nicaea

I take back what I said about the last story, this one is the best historical in this run and maybe the best historical I've heard in general. This story really contrasts with the serious and dramatic Council of Nicaea by being one of the silliest, most whimsichal and meta stories out there. It's so ridiculous that I don't even know where to start with this review. William Shakespeare gets the Doctor durnk to time travel a hundred years into the past to make sure Richard III kills his nephews so that nobody accuses the Tudors of doing it instead, only for Richard and William to swap places.

It's wild and funny and every twist and cliffhanger leaves you reeling. By far my favourite character here is Richard III. He's used to explore a really interesting idea about the implications of time-travel, that being time-travellers going back to visit (in)famous historical figures and spoiling the events of their lives. It's interesting to see how jaded Richard is when people constantly appear to talk to him about how evil he is and how he's going to kill his nephews, before he even has any. Stephen Beckett performs this perfectly, he plays everything straight which really elevates the comedy throughout the story. It's a very unique take on a historical figure, one that knows of his own existence as a historical figure.

Honestly, there's no real way to get across just how good this story is without typing out the script word-by-word because it is just that good. There's so many fun details and all of them pay off in such clever and satisfying ways. This might be one of my favourite stories for a while and another phenomenal story for the Doctor, Peri, and Erimem.

Next Story: The Helliax Rift

This story is utterly hilarious. The jokes mesh perfectly with my sense of humour to create an incradibly enjoyable experience. Richard is brilliantly written and acted. Stephen Beckett's dry delivery is really funny and works perfectly. The plot itself is also increadibly solid. It's an interesting narrative with some fun timey-wimey-ness. There are lots of interesting questions throughout the story which are tied up increadibly neatly in a very satisfying ending. All in all, I cannot recommend this story enough.