The Happiness Patrol

Part One

[Street]

(Night time. A middle-aged woman wearing a raincoat over a bright pink suit walks along the street and sits on a metal bench. She looks sad. A man in coat and hat observes her from round a corner, then attracts her attention.)

SILAS: Psst! Do you want to talk about it?
DAPHNE: I don't talk to strangers.
SILAS: Perhaps I can help.
DAPHNE: I didn't ask for any help.

(He goes over to her.)

SILAS: We both know you can't sit there like that. It's dangerous.
DAPHNE: It's too late. I don't care anymore. Let them find me.
SILAS: You don't have to face your suffering alone, you know.
DAPHNE: What do you mean?

(He sits next to her.)

SILAS: There's a place, a secret place, where some of us go to indulge our depressions, to share our miseries, with other killjoys like you and me.
DAPHNE: I'm not a killjoy.
SILAS: That's what they would call you. You interested?
DAPHNE: Perhaps.
SILAS: Oh, it changed my life. Look, here's my card. Go on, take it.

(She reads it)

DAPHNE: Silas P.
SILAS: Other side.
DAPHNE: But it says
SILAS: Happiness Patrol, Undercover.

(He blows a whistle.)

SILAS: Time to get really depressed.

(A group of women in beige mini-tunics, wearing white makeup and coral coloured wigs come from the other direction. They are carrying very large weapons and their leader has a purple pony tail.)

DAISY: Have a nice death.

(The patrol aim their weapons at the woman.)

[Forum Square]

(The TARDIS materialises next to a set of stairs leading into a civic building. Ace comes out backwards. There is muzak playing.)

ACE: How about a triceratops?
DOCTOR: A horned dinosaur with a mouth like a beak? The Brigadier saw one in the London Underground once.
ACE: And a tyrannosaurus rex?
DOCTOR: Met quite a few actually.
ACE: Wicked. And pterodactyls?
DOCTOR: Lots of pterodactyls.
ACE: Evil.
DOCTOR: Perhaps we should make a little visit sometime.
ACE: What, to the Earth during the Upper Cretaceous?
DOCTOR: A very good time for dinosaurs.
ACE: I love dinosaurs. But I hate that. Lift music. Where are we, Professor, anyway?
DOCTOR: A planet, an Earth colony, settled some centuries in your future. Do you like it?
ACE: No.
DOCTOR: No, neither do I. Why not?
ACE: Too phony. Too happy.
DOCTOR: Yes, I've been hearing disturbing rumours about Terra Alpha, so I decided to look in some time.
ACE: So tonight's the night.
DOCTOR: Tonight's the night. Rumours of something evil, and we're going to get to the bottom of it.

[Helen A's office]

(A hand with highly decorated pink fingernails sticks a badge onto an already well-decorated sleeve.)

HELEN: Your third badge, Silas P. Forty five killjoys to your credit. Impressive work. I'm very happy.

(Everyone say Hi! to Sheila Hancock.)

SILAS: I'm glad that you're happy, ma'am, but it's forty seven, actually.

(Yay! Forty seven conspiracy....Trek on.)

HELEN: I do the counting, thank you, Silas P.
SILAS: Sorry, ma'am.
HELEN: Still, I like your initiative, your enterprise. I'll see that you go far.
SILAS: I'm aiming for the top.
HELEN: Not quite the very top, I hope, Silas P?

[Street]

(The Doctor and Ace enter another street, where a man in three piece suit and bowler hat is in the background.)

ACE: This music's really winding me up, Professor.
DOCTOR: Yes, it makes you wonder how the natives stand it.
ACE: I haven't see any natives.
DOCTOR: Ah, there's one.
TREVOR: Name?

(Trevor turns. He is holding a clipboard and his tie is bright yellow.)

ACE: Ace.
TREVOR: No nicknames, aliases, pseudonyms, nom-de-plumes. Real names.
ACE: It is my real name. Tell him, Professor.
DOCTOR: What's in a name?
TREVOR: I could report you for that.
ACE: Can you smell something, Professor?
DOCTOR: Now that you come to mention it. You must forgive my young friend, Ace, Mister er. Er, you didn't tell me your name.
TREVOR: You're right, I didn't give it, but then, I don't have to. I'm on official business from Galactic Centre.
DOCTOR: How do I know you're telling the truth?
TREVOR: My identification.

(The Doctor takes the ID wallet.)

DOCTOR: Thank you, Trevor Sigma. Actually, my nickname at college was Theta Sigma.
TREVOR: No nicknames.

[Forum Square]

(Daisy K and a Happiness Patrol drive in on an over-accessoried beach buggy.)

DAISY K: Right. Over there. This way.

(They start painting the TARDIS.)

[Street]

(The Doctor and Ace examine the bench the lady killjoy had been sitting on.)

DOCTOR: Well?
ACE: Bullet holes?
DOCTOR: Definitely. Something very nasty's happening here, and we've got to put a stop to it, quickly.
ACE: How quickly?
DOCTOR: Tonight.
ACE: Isn't this going to be dangerous?
DOCTOR: Yes.
ACE: Right, how do we start?
DOCTOR: First, we'll try and get ourselves arrested.

[Forum Square]

(The Doctor and Ace return to see the TARDIS is now pink.)

ACE: Professor, what they've done!
DOCTOR: Yes, it looks good.
DAISY: You look rather unhappy about something.
DOCTOR: On the contrary. Just admiring your handiwork. Huh, miserable looking thing, wasn't it?
DAISY: Our thoughts exactly. And what about you? Are you happy?
DOCTOR: Oh, I say she is, relatively speaking, given the deeply distressing nature of so many fundamental universal truths.
DAISY: What do you mean?
DOCTOR: Well, she's happy and I'm happy.
ACE: Can't you afford a real gun?

(Daisy K shoots at a wall light. Bang!)

ACE: Gordon Bennett.
DAISY: I'm glad you're happy, but what are you doing here, hmm? You don't look like locals. In fact, you look like killjoys.
DOCTOR: We're visitors, just here for the night.
ACE: What are killjoys?
DAISY: You must be from offworld. All right. In future, stay in the specified tourist zones.
DOCTOR: Sorry?
DAISY: You may go.
ACE: You're not going to arrest us?
DAISY: I don't see why.
ACE: Doctor, they're not going to arrest us.
DOCTOR: Badges.
ACE: Badges?
DOCTOR: Yes, I believe all offworld personnel are issued with badges at customs.
DAISY: Yes. Where are your badges?
ACE: I've got badges.
DOCTOR: She's got badges.
ACE: This one's Charlton Athletic.
DAISY: Not interested. Where's your badge?
DOCTOR: Oh dear, I don't seem to have one.
DAISY: He is obviously a spy. She is obviously his accomplice. He will disappear and she can audition for the Happiness Patrol.
DOCTOR: What does that mean?
DAISY: You're under arrest.
ACE: Phew. About time.

[Helen A's home]

(An older man is watching the Killjoy's last moments on the television screen when Helen A enters.)

HELEN: What are you watching, dear?
JOSEPH: It's a video, dear, of something called Routine Disappearance Number four hundred and ninety nine thousand nine hundred and eighty seven.

(Everyone say Hi! to Ronald Fraser.)

HELEN: Turn that off, dear. That's for my eyes only. Besides, you're missing my broadcast.
JOSEPH: Oh.
HELEN [on screen]: Finally, Joseph C and I would like to thank you for your sterling work in helping to track down the killjoys.

(Joseph gets up to leave.)

HELEN: I think you should watch this, dear. You may find it instructive.
HELEN [on screen]: Now, remember, enjoy yourselves. Happiness will prevail!

[Waiting zone]

(The Doctor and Ace are marched to a colonnade on the far side of a square.)

ACE: I thought we we'd been arrested. I thought we were going to prison.

(Behind them, a man is playing a slot machine.)

DOCTOR: Ah. Hold the two bananas and nudge. Never fails.
ACE: Oh, well, can't win them all.
HAROLD: It's all right. I don't like winning.
ACE: Why is that?
HAROLD: First of all, I'm a killjoy, and secondly, I don't like the prize.
ACE: Why, what is the prize?
HAROLD: You're about to find out.

(An image appears on the machine.)

HELEN [on screen]: Congratulations and well played. Here is your prize joke. Did you hear about the killjoy who won an outing with the Happiness Patrol? He was tickled to death! Enjoy yourself.
DOCTOR: I see what you mean. The delivery's terrible.
HAROLD: The joke's not much good either.
DOCTOR: You're right. It's awful. It's tasteless, smug, and worst of all, it's badly constructed, I mean, who writes that stuff?
HAROLD: I wrote it.
ACE: You wrote it?
HAROLD: I used to be her gag writer, when I was Harold F. Then my brother disappeared. I went to look for him. I heard of other disappearances. They caught me in the rocket port zone, trying to contact Terra Omega, and brought put me here where I was regraded to Harold V.

(He suddenly smiles at a Happiness Patrol woman with an usherette's tray round her neck and returns to the slot machine.)

ACE: But what's keeping you here? I mean, why don't we just leave?

(The Doctor goes up to the woman.)

DOCTOR: Excuse me?
PRISCILLA: Yes?
DOCTOR: Is this a prison?
PRISCILLA: A prison? Of course not! This is the Waiting Zone. There aren't any prisons on Terra Alpha. Miserable places.
DOCTOR: So there's absolutely no chance whatsoever that this could be a place of incarceration, and we're free to leave at any time.
PRISCILLA: Well, yes and no. This isn't a prison, but cross that line and you're a dead man.

(Priscilla produces her weapon from her usherette's tray. The Doctor pirouettes neatly on one foot and goes back from the line on the ground.)

[Execution yard]

(A table is set up with four chairs on either side, black balloons, and a metal chute leading down onto it. Joseph greets Daisy K.)

JOSEPH: Congratulations.

(He speaks to a man in black now standing on the table with a tube directly above him.)

JOSEPH: Bad luck, old man. Still, we have to be fair, haven't we? It wouldn't be cricket otherwise.

[Waiting zone]

DOCTOR: So what you're telling me is that Helen A punishes anyone for wearing dark clothes?
HAROLD: Public grief, she calls it. It also covers listening to slow music, and reading poems, unless they're limericks, of course.
DOCTOR: This is terrible.
HAROLD: Walking in the rain as well, if you're on your own and don't take an umbrella.
ACE: Why don't people stand up to her?
HAROLD: People are scared.
DOCTOR: Remember the Happiness Patrol, Ace.
ACE: Bunch of ratbags.
DOCTOR: Ratbags with guns.
HAROLD: The Happiness Patrol were the nice side of her regime. Do you know who the Kandyman is, Doctor?
DOCTOR: He sounds like a sweetie.
HAROLD: He's dangerous.
DOCTOR: Dangerous?
HAROLD: He's doing experiments. That's why we're here. He needs guinea pigs. Guinea pigs like you and me.
ACE: What sort of experiments?
HAROLD: I can't find out.
DOCTOR: What else does he do, this Kandyman?
HAROLD: He makes sweets.

[Helen A's office]

(Next to the living room is Helen's office. A silver haired man enters.)

GILBERT: You wanted to see me, ma'am?
HELEN: Just curiosity, Gilbert M. I wondered what the Kandyman had conjured up for us tonight?
GILBERT: It's a Fondant Surprise, ma'am.
HELEN: Flavour?
GILBERT: Strawberry.
HELEN: Delicious! My favourite.

[Waiting zone]

ACE: So you reckon the Kandyman's the one behind the disappearances?
HAROLD: One of the ones. There are three ways of disappearing on Terra Alpha. The Late Show at the Forum, a visit to the Kandy Kitchen, and something else.
ACE: What sort of something else?
HAROLD: I don't know, exactly. Rumour has it that Helen A favours the firing squad.

[Execution yard]

(Joseph C reads the indictment from a scroll.)

JOSEPH: It says here that you have been found guilty of an ostentatious display of public grief? Oh dear, dear, dear.
DAISY: Patrol!

(The Patrol raise their guns.)

JOSEPH: And so you have been sentenced to the severest penalty decreed by Helen A.
DAISY: Patrol, dismiss!
(The Happiness Patrol marches off. In her office, Helen A presses a button on her desk, and she and Gilbert watch on a screen as the tube descends over the guilty man.
In the Kandy Kitchen, a giant sized Bertie Bassett - a being apparently made out of large pieces of liquorice all-sorts - sees a red light flashing and goes over to a set of railway sidings levers. He moves two of them and a red viscous liquid rises in a clear tube as giant cogs turn. In the execution yard, the tube starts to rise as the red gunge floods out of it and the drowned prisoner collapses. Joseph samples the gunge.)
JOSEPH: (French accent) Mmm, Fondant Surprise.

[Waiting zone]

ACE: Time we moved on, Professor?
DOCTOR: Well, we have a night's work ahead of us and I think we've learned enough.
ACE: Ace. Prison break.
DOCTOR: Waiting zone break, but I think we'll take our new found friend with us.
HAROLD: What's that?
ACE: We're going to escape.
DOCTOR: Shush.
HAROLD: There is no escape.

[Helen A's office]

GILBERT: Well, I must be going, ma'am.
HELEN: So soon? We haven't finished yet. There's still his brother, Harold V, to deal with.
GILBERT: Ah, yes. His brother.
HELEN: Families are very important for people's happiness.

(The screen shows the Doctor, Ace and Harold at the slot machine. Helen presses her button.)

[Waiting zone]

(Harold is electrocuted by the slot machine.)

PRISCILLA: I think he got a buzz out of that.
ACE: Shut up!
DOCTOR: Hold it, Ace.
PRISCILLA: Rather a shocking experience.
ACE: Let me shut her up!
DOCTOR: Save it, save it. You can't run. You're no good to me like this.
ACE: I want to nail those scumbags. I want to make them very, very unhappy.
DOCTOR: Don't worry, Ace, we will.

[Kandy Kitchen]

(The Kandyman is pouring syrups into a pan when Gilbert enters. It's voice is higher pitched than expected for a man, and really sounds like an annoyed wife.)

KANDYMAN: What time do you call this?

[Waiting zone]

(Patrol members take Harold's body away. The Doctor and Ace eye a little go-cart nearby, then the Doctor goes over to Priscilla.)

DOCTOR: Tell me.
PRISCILLA: Yes?
DOCTOR: I was wondering about your go-cart.
PRISCILLA: It's not my go-cart, it's the Waiting Zone's go-cart.
DOCTOR: Yes. I was wondering, if we were to get into it and drive off, what would you do?
PRISCILLA: Nothing.
DOCTOR: Nothing?
PRISCILLA: Nothing.
DOCTOR: Wouldn't raise the alarm? Shoot us?
PRISCILLA: Nothing.

(The Doctor returns to Ace.)

DOCTOR: You're right. It's booby-trapped.

[Helen A's home]

(Helen removes the lace cover from a large Victorian bird cage to reveal a snarling feral poodle. Animatronic, of course.)

HELEN: Did I leave you, my darling? Well, don't worry. I'm back now.

(She feeds the beast sweets from a silver tray.)

[Waiting zone]

(The Doctor and Ace are working on the go-cart. Priscilla comes over.)

PRISCILLA: What are you doing?
DOCTOR: Nothing.
PRISCILLA: You're not thinking of starting that?
ACE: No.
PRISCILLA: Are you sure?
DOCTOR: Yes.

(Ace gets into the driving seat while the Doctor carefully removes a box with a flashing red light from the engine.)

ACE: Here, let me help.
DOCTOR: No, stop it.
ACE: It's a bomb, isn't it?
DOCTOR: I'm trying to defuse it.
ACE: Let me have a go.
DOCTOR: I'm trying not to get us blown to pieces.
ACE: I never get to have any fun.
DOCTOR: Shush.

(The Doctor removes a component and replaces the box.)

DOCTOR: Start the engine. You can drive.

(The Doctor climbs on the back and off they go at less than walking pace.)

[Street]

(Somewhere, an African American man plays the blues on an harmonica while someone watches from below a manhole cover.
A little later, the go-cart has broken down.)
ACE: Any luck, Professor?
DOCTOR: I need a little more time.
ACE: You've got it.

(Ace goes off to meet an approaching Patrol.)

ACE: Oi!
DAISY: I arrest you for evasion of the Happiness Patrol auditions.
ACE: Where are they? I'm ready for them. Question is, are they ready for me?
DAISY: Take her back to the Happiness Patrol headquarters, and we'll continue to search for the spy.

(A young woman takes Ace away. Back at the go-cart -)

DOCTOR: Ow! That's it.

(The engine rattles into life.)

DOCTOR: Ace? At least the Happiness Patrol left us in peace. Ace?

(He drives off just as Daisy arrives.)

[Patrol headquarters]

(Ace is playing the spoons.)

ACE: I'm beginning to enjoy this.
SUSAN: Oh, okay, stop that. That's no good. Do you know any jokes?
ACE: I always forget jokes.
SUSAN: Well, how about songs?
ACE: Oh, I know this great song about this bloke and his girlfriend. She drops the ring he gives her on the railway track, and when he goes back to get it, she's killed by the train and he's really miserable for the rest of his life. Oh, it's fantastic.
SUSAN: Happy songs, Ace. Songs about sunshine and furry animals.

(The man is still playing the blues when a Patrol drives up. He changes the tune to something more cheerful and Daisy slams a smiley face sticker onto his jacket.)

SUSAN: I woke up one morning.
ACE: I know that song.
SUSAN: There's a million blues songs start like that. But I did wake up one morning, and suddenly something was very clear. I couldn't go on smiling. Smiling while my friends disappeared, wearing this uniform and smiling and trying to pretend I'm something I'm not. Trying to pretend that I'm happy. Better to let it end. Better to just relax and let it happen. I woke up one morning and I realised it was all over.
ACE: Look, I'm sorry.
SUSAN: I think we'll abandon our rehearsal.
ACE: I'm not Happiness Patrol material anyway. They stand for everything I hate. Like you said, smiling all the time, smiling when it doesn't mean anything. I'm not one of them. I can't play an instrument, I can't dance, I can't sing.
SUSAN: No, but there is something you might be very good at.
ACE: Oh, yeah?
SUSAN: A disappearing act.
ACE: What do I have to do?
SUSAN: It's simple. I give you this key, then I close my eyes, and when I open them, you've gone.

[Street]

(The go-kart has broken down again, and this time it's terminal. A man sits on a nearby bench.)

DOCTOR: Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to have a spare automotive jack on you, would you?
SILAS: Oh, I'm afraid not. But I can offer you the hand of friendship. Sit down, tell me about yourself.
DOCTOR: I'm looking for Helen A. Perhaps you would point me in the right direction?
SILAS: I can tell you where to find her, but when you meet her, make sure you're smiling.
DOCTOR: Smiling?
SILAS: She hates miserable people. Haven't you heard about the massacre, then?
DOCTOR: Yes, I have heard rumours.
SILAS: She sent her spies out to find the most depressing township on the planet. The Happiness Patrol went in and razed the place to the ground.
DOCTOR: But why?
SILAS: Policy. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to distress you.
DOCTOR: I'm not distressed, I'm angry. Why don't people stand up to her?
SILAS: Oh, lots of reasons. The Happiness Patrol, the Kandyman
DOCTOR: Ah, the Kandyman. He's next on my list of people to see.
SILAS: Then I'd cross him off fast, if I were you. He's Helen A's henchman. Does all her dirty work. There are small pockets of resistance, though. Quiet murmurings of rebellion. Are you interested?
DOCTOR: Of course.
SILAS: There's a place, a secret place, where we're planning for the day when Helen A and the Kandyman will be called to account. Here, my card.
DOCTOR: Oh, thank you, Silas P.
SILAS: Other side.
DOCTOR: Happiness Patrol Undercover. Oh, excellent. Perhaps you could take a message?

(Silas blows his whistle but someone knocks him out. It's the blues player.)

DOCTOR: You must be a musician.
EARL: Sort of.
DOCTOR: Your timing's good.
EARL: We'd better go.

(The Doctor and Earl leave, and the Patrol turns up.)

DAISY: You look unhappy, Silas P.
SILAS: No! Wait!

(Around the corner, we hear the gunfire.)

DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor.
EARL: Earl Sigma.
DOCTOR: A subtle musician.
EARL: No, I'm really a medical student, fifth year post-med psychology.
DOCTOR: What does the Sigma stand for?
EARL: It stand for alien. All visitors are called Sigma.
DOCTOR: And you're travelling through the colonies.
EARL: I'm on vacation. Paid my way with music and I sort of got stuck here.
DOCTOR: It's an interesting planet from the psychological standpoint.
EARL: Yeah. We gotta go.
DOCTOR: No, this way. There's someone I'd like to meet.

[Kandy Kitchen]

EARL: What is this place?
DOCTOR: I believe it's where they make sweets.

[Street]

(Ace is running.)

DAISY: Halt or we fire!

(Ace runs straight into Daisy.)

[Kandy Kitchen]

(The Doctor sniffs a brew, then they hear someone approaching and hide under a table.)

GILBERT: They think it's easy. A thousand pounds of praline cracknel, indeed. They don't know his moods. He's terrible when he's roused. I keep telling them, but they won't believe me. They're lucky to get any sweets at all.
KANDYMAN: Enough! Where are my specimens?
GILBERT: If they think it's so easy they should have a go at making sweets themselves. They wouldn't know popcorn from peppermint.
KANDYMAN: I said, where are my specimens? It's time for an experiment.
GILBERT: I think they just slipped under the table.
KANDYMAN: There's no one there.
GILBERT: But I saw them.
KANDYMAN: Show me!
GILBERT: But I, I could have sworn they were under the table.
KANDYMAN: I can feel one of my moods coming on.

(The Doctor and Earl make for the stairs, but a grill closes it off.)

KANDYMAN: Welcome to the Kandy Kitchen, gentlemen.
DOCTOR: I'm sure the pleasure's all ours.
KANDYMAN: I do hope so. I like my volunteers to die with smiles on their faces.
Part Two

[Street]

(A sombre drumbeat leads a procession of black-clad people. A figure lifts a manhole cover. Ace is with the Patrol.)

ACE: Evil. What's going on here?
DAISY: It's of no consequence.
ACE: I'd say they look rather upset about something.
DAISY: They're fools. They think they will achieve something with their march.
ACE: Demonstration? Wicked.
DAISY: All they will achieve is their extinction.
ACE: So Helen A doesn't allow demos. I could have guessed as much.

(The figure under the manhole cover is clearly not human.)

DAISY: Of course she allows demos. These are killjoys, and worse than that, they're drones.
ACE: Drones?
DAISY: Workers from the flatlands. It's forbidden for them to enter the city. That's why they'll never leave it alive.
ACE: You're scared of them, aren't you. Up the killjoys!

(A patrol member grabs Ace and starts to gag her with a scarf.)

ACE: Gordon Bennett. Mmph!

[Kandy Kitchen]

KANDYMAN: This is where you come in, gentlemen. The interesting part. The tasting.

(The Doctor and Earl have been strapped into barber's chairs.)

DOCTOR: May we enquire what it is?
KANDYMAN: Ah, a labour of love, Doctor. A labour of love.
DOCTOR: I didn't know you were the caring type.
KANDYMAN: Just because Helen A prefers my ugly side doesn't mean I don't care, does it, Gilbert M? Gilbert M!
GILBERT: Oh, no, of course not.
KANDYMAN: Thank you. And just because she employs me as her executioner doesn't mean I can't be creative. No need to worry, gentlemen. Tonight you see before you the artistic, sensitive side of me. So I make sweets. Not just any old sweets, but sweets that are so good, so delicious that sometimes, if I'm on form, the human physiology is not equipped to bear the pleasure. Tell them what I've tried to say, Gilbert.
GILBERT: He makes sweets that kill people.

[Waiting zone]

(Ace is brought in and ungagged. The Patrol leaves her with Priscilla.)

ACE: Wotcher. Like your new prison.
PRISCILLA: On Terra Alpha there
ACE: Yeah, yeah, on Terra Alpha you don't have prisons.
PRISCILLA: We have the Waiting zone instead, and the Waiting zone moves to different places in the city according to the time of night.
ACE: Waiting zone? Who are you kidding?
PRISCILLA: Some people don't have to wait in the Waiting zone for very long.

(Priscilla threatens Ace with a hand gun.)

[Kandy Kitchen]

KANDYMAN: Now, let's see what we've got for you.
DOCTOR: Before you start, there is something I wanted to ask you about that's been worrying me. It's the executions.
KANDYMAN: What about them?
DOCTOR: Well, out there, people don't seem to know what method you use. I was intrigued.
KANDYMAN: I didn't realise you were conceding an interest in the mechanics of execution, Doctor. A man after my own soft centre.
DOCTOR: I was just curious.
KANDYMAN: The secret's in the pipes. Vanilla secret tomorrow night, I think. Just when the victim thinks he's been pardoned it flows into the yard and smothers him. It's ingenious, isn't it.
DOCTOR: Depraved.
KANDYMAN: We call it Fondant Surprise.
DOCTOR: Is there any way of stopping it once it starts moving?
KANDYMAN: The foam can be diverted down another pipe, but I'm not going to tell you how. Anyway, it's a hypothetical question. What reason could I possibly have for stopping an execution?

(The Doctor spots a bottle labelled Lemonade.)

DOCTOR: Er, you said soft centre?
KANDYMAN: Did I?
DOCTOR: Yes, you said soft centre instead of heart. What is your heart made of?
KANDYMAN: Difficult to say. It's all in there somewhere. Caramel, sherbet, toffee, marzipan, gelling agents, it's all in motion.
DOCTOR: Ah! A movable feast, eh?
KANDYMAN: Very droll, Doctor.
DOCTOR: So you're perfectly adapted to your environment.
KANDYMAN: Perfectly.
DOCTOR: Protected against everything. That is, except from the intense heat from that open oven behind you.
KANDYMAN: What!
DOCTOR: I said, protected against everything except for the intense heat from the open oven behind you.
KANDYMAN: Silence!

(The Kandyman thumps the table and the bottle of Lemonade smashes on the floor. His feet stick like glue.)

DOCTOR: And, of course, the adhesive effect of carbonated H2O and citric acid. Lemonade, to you.
KANDYMAN: Gilbert! Gilbert, where are you?

(The Doctor frees himself then goes to Earl, who is strangely still and smiling.)

KANDYMAN: Gilbert, come here! Gilbert. Gilbert! Gilbert, they're getting away from here! You'll be sorry!
DOCTOR: Sweet dreams.

(The Doctor and Earl go down into what might be the drains.)

KANDYMAN: Gilbert!

[Pipe]

KANDYMAN [OC]: Gilbert! Gilbert!

[Waiting zone]

(Priscilla is holding a can of Nitro Nine.)

PRISCILLA: What's this?
ACE: I'll show you. Just trying to be friendly.
PRISCILLA: This is some kind of an explosive device. I used to work with explosives when I was in Happiness Patrol B, the anti-terrorist squad. We worked the night shift. I like working late at night.
ACE: Not interested.
PRISCILLA: Night times are when they come out.
ACE: Who?
PRISCILLA: The killjoys. Depressives, manic reactive endogenous. We got them. All of them.
ACE: What do you mean, got them?
PRISCILLA: They disappeared.
ACE: You make me sick.
PRISCILLA: I did a good job, and then they put me on this. It's not fair. I know the streets. I'm a fighter.
ACE: No, you're not. You're a killer.

(Susan Q is pushed into the zone.)

SUSAN: Yes, she is.
PRISCILLA: I am what I am.

[Pipe]

(The Doctor samples the stuff dangling from the ceiling like squidgy stalactites.)

DOCTOR: It's crystallised sugar. This pipe must have carried some sort of syrup. What do you think?

(Earl tries a sample.)

EARL: Not good, but I have tasted the real thing.
DOCTOR: So it's certainly past its best, so we can assume that nothing's been pumped down here for some time. I wonder why? How would you describe the Kandyman's confection?
EARL: It can only be the work of a schizophrenic obsessive.
DOCTOR: Ah, yeah. Delicious.

(Earl starts to play his harmonica.)

DOCTOR: Wait until we're in another section.
EARL: Why are you whispering?
DOCTOR: There's tons of crystallised syrup above us.
EARL: Ah, any sudden noise could cause it to collapse.
DOCTOR: Not any noise, just certain noises.
EARL: That's reassuring.

[Kandy Kitchen]

(Gilbert carries in a sack and adds it to a pile of other sacks labelled Sugar. The Kandyman is still stuck to the floor.)

KANDYMAN: Where have you been?
GILBERT: Ingredients.
KANDYMAN: Leaving me to be humiliated. They'll suffer for this.
GILBERT: Anything you say, Kandyman.
KANDYMAN: You'll pay for this. I'm going to crush you.
GILBERT: That's it, scream and shout, rant and rave. But remember this, Kandyman. Symbiosis. You need me and I need me.
KANDYMAN: You need you?
GILBERT: I need me.

(The Kandyman grabs Gilbert by the throat.)

KANDYMAN: I need you and you need you.
GILBERT: That's right. And just as you're squeezing the breath out of me, your candy hand tightens round your own throat.

[Pipe]

DOCTOR: Oh look. Some sort of footprint.

(With four very elongated toes and nails, clearly visible on the clean metal of the tunnel.)

EARL: I wonder what kind of creature could have caused that?

(The Doctor is jabbed in the back with a spear.)

DOCTOR: Their kind of creature.

[Waiting zone]

ACE: It's all my fault. You'd have been all right if you hadn't met me.
SUSAN: It would have happened sooner or later. I'm not Helen A's idea of good Happiness Patrol material. She won't shed any tears over me. Let's face it, no one will. Even if they wanted to, they wouldn't be allowed.
ACE: But what now?
SUSAN: Well, I'll just disappear like the rest of them. Just another of Helen A's victims.
ACE: I won't let it happen. We'll escape. I'll save you.
SUSAN: Don't worry. I'm happy that it's finally over. It's funny, that, isn't it. It's the first thing I've been happy about for ages.

[Pipe]

(The echoing metal pipe makes hearing the words a little difficult, along with the masks the little aliens are wearing. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.)

WENCES: Back! Weapons.
DOCTOR: No weapons. Just a brolly.
WULFRIC: Weapons!
WENCES: Weapons!
EARL: Easy, easy.

(Earl blows some notes on his harmonica.)

WENCES: Wicked.
DOCTOR: What did you say?
WENCES: Wicked.
EARL: He's hip for a little guy.
DOCTOR: He's been taking lessons. So you've met my friend Ace?
WENCES: Not Ace.
WULFRIC: Brave girl.
WENCES: Captive.
DOCTOR: That sounds like Ace. Brave girl, captive. If only she'd listen to what I tell her.
WENCES: Not Ace, Gordon.
DOCTOR + EARL: Gordon?
WENCES: Bennett.

[Helen A's office]

(Helen is making a broadcast.)

HELEN: Happiness will prevail. Happiness Patrol section C please stand by for the first stage of a routine disappearance. And don't forget, when you smile, I want to see those teeth.

(The broadcast ends.)

HELEN: I think I'll let you handle this one.

(Daisy smiles.)

[Waiting zone]

PRISCILLA: Time for you to go.
ACE: Leave her alone!
SUSAN: I'm not ready.
PRISCILLA: No one ever is.

(Ace tries to grab Priscilla's weapon.)

PRISCILLA: Steady.
SUSAN: Just let me say goodbye to my friend, please.
PRISCILLA: Why? What's the point? Take her away.

(Patrol section C takes Susan away.)

ACE: Just one question. How do you live with yourself?
PRISCILLA: She was never any good. She never had the right attitude. She never joined in. She wasn't part of the team.
ACE: She was my friend!

(One of the underworld people, Wences, appears from round the corner and throws a spear.)

WENCES: Ace!

(Ace knocks Priscilla down, grabs her hand gun and runs to him. They get away before Priscilla can fire her big weapon.)

[Pipe]

(The little person leading the Doctor and Earl stumbles. They help him up.)

EARL: What's wrong with these little guys?
DOCTOR: Well, they may not look like it, but they're on the edge of starvation. No sugar in the pipes.
EARL: Why can't they live on the surface?
DOCTOR: They used to, but they were driven down here by human settlers.
EARL: By us?
DOCTOR: Yes, us. Ah, here we are. Seventh manhole on the right. I'll go first. It's been a privilege. We shall return.

[Street]

(The Doctor pushes the manhole cover aside and looks up into the face of Trevor Sigma.)

TREVOR: Name?
DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor. Have we met?
TREVOR: I'm sorry, that's classified information.
DOCTOR: You're Trevor Sigma, aren't you.
TREVOR: Galactic Census Bureau. I ask the questions.
DOCTOR: You ask the questions?
TREVOR: I'm sorry, that's classified information. Address?
DOCTOR: Which one?
TREVOR: If you live here, I need a town and street. If you're an alien, I need a home planet except when you spend more than half the working year away, in which case I need a planet of origin.
DOCTOR: That's classified information. Name?
TREVOR: What?
DOCTOR: I ask the questions.

(The Doctor climbs out of the manhole.)

DOCTOR: Name?
TREVOR: Trevor Sigma.
DOCTOR: Address?
TREVOR: Galactic Centre.
EARL: What's happening, Doc?
DOCTOR: Questionnaire. Occupation?
TREVOR: Galactic Census Bureau, authorised to enter all Alphan property and to interview all Alphans.
DOCTOR: Good. Take me to the leader.
EARL: Got places to go, Doctor.
DOCTOR: I'll find you later.
EARL: How?
DOCTOR: The brandy of the damned.
EARL: Oh, the blues. You're a nice guy, Doctor, but a little weird.
DOCTOR: Enough of the little.

(Earl leaves, playing his harmonica.)

TREVOR: That's nice. It makes me feel sort of, er, sort of, er
DOCTOR: Melancholy?
TREVOR: Yes, that's it. A pleasant melancholy.

(The Doctor takes Trevor's arm and leads him away.)

[Helen A's office]

(She has her pet sitting on her lap.)

HELEN: Priscilla P was overpowered by a defenceless girl and a vermin. Is it a joke, Daisy K?
DAISY: No, ma'am.
HELEN: Oh, what a shame. I enjoy a good joke. Where did this guerilla unit disappear to after they had dealt with Priscilla P?
DAISY: They went down the pipes.
HELEN: Ah, the pipes. Excellent! Fifi's been eating far too many chocolates lately, haven't you, my darling. She could do with a bit of sport.

[Street]

(Earl stops playing as another demonstration appears and backs around the corner. The banner reads 'Factory conditions are a joke'. A pair of male Happiness Patrol snipers take up position on a small balcony above the street.)

DAVID: Here we are. Look at that.
ALEX: I can't believe we're doing this again.
DAVID: The mark three.
ALEX: Roof duty.
DAVID: The prototype for the mark four must be ready, for the women.
ALEX: Don't see any women doing roof duty. Women always get the better jobs.
DAVID: Women always get the best guns.

[Pipe]

ACE: Nice pipes. Reminds me of Perivale.
WENCES: Nice.
ACE: Not that nice.
WENCES: Own bed.
ACE: Careful with that can or we'll end up as grafitti.

(Meanwhile, a Patrol puts Fifi down a manhole.)

[Helen A's home]

(Helen is looking at an album when Joseph enters. She stuffs it behind the cushion of her chair.)

JOSEPH: Will you come this way, gentlemen? It's Trevor Sigma, dear, and er.
HELEN: I'm glad to see you again, Trevor. I don't think I've had the pleasure.
DOCTOR: It's no pleasure, I can assure you.
HELEN: How very kind.
JOSEPH: Are you with the Bureau as well?
DOCTOR: I'm sorry, that's classified information. I understand you're responsible for this planet?
HELEN: We do our best.
DOCTOR: And is it a happy planet?
HELEN: I think you'll find everyone on Terra Alpha is very happy.
DOCTOR: Some people on Terra Alpha are very difficult to find.
HELEN: Well, I'm sure that Trevor Sigma will sniff them out for you, won't you, Trevor.
DOCTOR: I'm sorry, he's not allowed to answer that.
HELEN: I'm glad that you're here, Trevor. I wanted to tell you that I have adopted the Bureau's recommendations on population control.
DOCTOR: Which were?
HELEN: To control it. We have controlled the population down by seventeen percent.
DOCTOR: I'm sure you have.
HELEN: Over crowding has been quite eliminated.
JOSEPH: No more queues at the Post Office.
DOCTOR: And did you use the Bureau's programme?
HELEN: Not quite. I found my own programme to be more effective.

(A bell trills.)

HELEN: Oh, if you will excuse me, gentlemen. Joseph C will take care of you.

(Helen goes to her office.)

JOSEPH: I say, Trevor, do we have to go through with this census business? Things haven't changed much since you were last here.
TREVOR: Full planetary census every six local cycles. That is the rule.

(The Doctor has a look at Helen's album. It appears to be all pictures of her and Fifi.)

JOSEPH: Oh, very well. A splash of lemonade and I'll show you the Floral Clock. What about er? Is he coming?
DOCTOR: He can't. He has a prior engagement.
TREVOR: Where are you going?
DOCTOR: Remember, Trevor, I ask the questions.

[Helen A's office]

(The Doctor sneaks in behind Helen's back.)

HELEN: Routine disappearance number five hundred thousand and five. Calling Happiness Patrol section C. Preparations are now complete. Stand by to escort killjoy into execution yard. Happiness will prevail!
DOCTOR: Population control?
HELEN: Look, who are you?
DOCTOR: And which member of the population are you controlling today, just for the record.
HELEN: A woman who disappointed me.
DOCTOR: And how did she disappoint you, eh? Oh, no, no, don't answer, no, no. She enjoyed the feel of rain upon her face. Or perhaps her favourite season was the autumn.
HELEN: You talk too much, whoever you are.

(Helen repeatedly presses a button on the side of her desk.)

DOCTOR: Was that question?
HELEN: No.
DOCTOR: Good. I'm the Doctor. Still no luck? I'd have that seen to if I were you.

(The Doctor takes a small fire extinguisher from the wall and returns to - )

[Helen A's home]

(Where Joseph is refreshing Trevor's drink.)

JOSEPH: A touch more lemonade?
DOCTOR: Ah, thank you.

(The Doctor takes the siphon and leaves.)

JOSEPH: Strange chap.

[Pipe]

(Fifi's howl echoes.)

WENCES: There.
ACE: Where?

(Wences runs but it is a dead end.)

ACE: Which way? Gordon Bennett. The Nitro, quick. The can! Keep down.

(Ace throws the can at Fifi. It explodes.)

[Kandy Kitchen]

(The Kandyman is still stuck to the floor.)

KANDYMAN: What's affected me? Help me!
GILBERT: It's quite simple. Created as you are out of glucose based substances, your joints need constant movement to avoid coagulation.
KANDYMAN: What do you mean?
GILBERT: You're turning into a slab of toffee. I saw this at the planning stage, and then I realised what the solution was.
KANDYMAN: What's that?
GILBERT: I've forgotten.

[Street]

(The Doctor sneaks up on Earl.)

DOCTOR: That sounds like a three star brandy to me.
EARL: Hey, Doc. There's a demonstration. Workers from the sugar factory striking over Happiness Patrol murders.
DOCTOR: Ooo, I'd like to talk to them.
EARL: It's too dangerous. They're pinned down by a couple of snipers.
DOCTOR: Oh dear, I'd better hurry. I've got to get to the Kandy Kitchen.
EARL: Not the Kandy Kitchen.
DOCTOR: Don't worry, I'll deal with the snipers.

[Roof]

DAVID: Pick your gun up.
ALEX: Why? There's no one there.
DAVID: You're right. They've all gone to ground.
ALEX: I don't mind. Good luck to them.
DAVID: Shut it. Wait a minute. There's one. It's all right, I'll have him. Just let him get a little closer.

(The Doctor crosses the street below.)

ALEX: Wait, he's not a drone.
DAVID: He's fair game, and you're heading that way. All right, come on. Come and say hello.

(The Doctor comes up behind them.)

DOCTOR: Hello.
DAVID: Get back or I'll use the gun.
DOCTOR: Yes, I imagine you will. You like guns, don't you.
DAVID: This is a specialised weapon. It's designed for roof duty, designed for long range. I've never used one up close before.
ALEX: Let him go.
DAVID: No.
DOCTOR: No. In fact, let him come a little closer.
DAVID: Stay where you are.
DOCTOR: Why? Scared? Why should you be scared? You're the one with the gun.
DAVID: That's right.
DOCTOR: You like guns, don't you.
ALEX: He'll kill you.
DOCTOR: Of course he will. That's what guns are for. Pull the trigger, end a life. Simple, isn't it.
DAVID: Yes.
DOCTOR: Makes sense, doesn't it.
DAVID: Yes.
DOCTOR: A life killing life.
ALEX: Who are you?
DOCTOR: Shut up. Why don't you do it then? Look me in the eye, pull the trigger, end my life. Why not?
DAVID: I can't.
DOCTOR: Why not?
DAVID: I don't know.
DOCTOR: No, you don't, do you.

(The Doctor takes the gun from David.)

DOCTOR: Throw away your gun.

(Alex drops his gun.)

[Execution yard]

(Daisy is reading Susan's indictment.)

DAISY: And so you have been sentenced to the severest penalty decreed by Helen A.
SUSAN: I'm glad.
DAISY: I'm happy you're glad. Patrol! Dismissed.

[Helen A's office]

(On the screen, Susan looks confused.)

HELEN: Excellent. The Fondant Surprise.

(Helen presses the button.)

[Kandy Kitchen]

(The light flashes.)

GILBERT: We seem to have an execution. Shall I oblige, since you appear to be bogged down?
KANDYMAN: Just get me unstuck.

(Gilbert moves the levers and sets the syrup flowing.)

[Pipe]

WENCES: No!
ACE: Come on, what're you moaning about now?
WENCES: Fondant.
ACE: Move it.
WENCES: Move it.
ACE: Move it.
WENCES: Move it.
ACE: Move it.

(They slide down a steep pipe.)

WENCES: (???)
ACE: (???) Why didn't you say?

[Kandy Kitchen]

DOCTOR: Kandyman, don't let the Happiness Patrol see you looking like that. A big smile, please.
KANDYMAN: Unstick me.
DOCTOR: I'll unstick you if you divert the flow.
KANDYMAN: It's a deal.

(The Doctor sprays the fire extinguisher at the Kandyman's feet. He is free.)

[Helen A's office]

HELEN: Come on, come on.

(Joseph enters.)

JOSEPH: It's Trevor here. He has a few questions to ask you.
HELEN: Not now.
(In the execution yard, Wences and Ace slide out of the pipe onto the platform where Susan is standing. Daisy raises her weapon. Wences vanishes down a manhole.
The Kandyman moves the levers about and just a splog of pink fondant slops out in front of Susan and Ace.)
HELEN: They'll suffer for this, and only when they're screaming to go back under the pipe will I oblige.
TREVOR: No.
HELEN: What?
TREVOR: You can't.
HELEN: What do you mean?
TREVOR: Constitutional rules of the system. When the mechanics of an execution malfunction, the aforesaid execution may not be repeated.
JOSEPH: Oh dear, what a nuisance.
HELEN: So now they're protected from the Fondant Surprise.
TREVOR: Rules of the system.
HELEN: Rules of the system?
TREVOR: Which further go on to say that an alternative execution may be substituted.
HELEN: Fine.

[Kandy Kitchen]

KANDYMAN: So you trusted me, then, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Of course.
KANDYMAN: Very wise. I am a Kandyman of my word, but now our bargain is over. It's time to kill you.
DOCTOR: I thought you might have said that.

(The Doctor takes the lemonade siphon from his pocket.)

DOCTOR: Oh well, here we go again.
KANDYMAN: No! Gilbert! Gilbert! Gilbert, where are you!

[Helen A's office]

(Daisy has brought Susan and Ace at gunpoint.)

HELEN: You were very lucky just now.
ACE: I'm not frightened of you.
HELEN: No? You're going to audition for the Late Show at the Forum.
ACE: The Late Show?
SUSAN: It's the Happiness Patrol auditions.
ACE: But you're in the Happiness Patrol already.
HELEN: Not any more. Joseph!

(Joseph comes in with a big camera and flash.)

JOSEPH: A big smile, dear.

(And takes Ace's photograph.)

[Forum Square]

(Earl is playing a more cheerful tune while the Doctor plays the spoons. Their hats are on the floor but no money has been thrown in.)

EARL: It's been a quiet night.
DOCTOR: Yes, well, it's been a busy one for me.
EARL: So what now?
DOCTOR: I've lost my friend Ace.

(A poster is put up on the wall across the way, next to Daphne S's.)

DOCTOR: I think I know where to find her.

(Tonight at the Forum, Ace Sigma in the Grand Happiness Patrol auditions. The Doctor knocks on the box office door.)

DOCTOR: When's the show open?
DOORMAN: In five minutes. You'll catch it if you're quick.
DOCTOR: Five minutes? Why are they only putting the posters up now?
DOORMAN: They're just for appearances. We always have a full house because attendance is compulsory.

(He shuts the door.)

DOCTOR: Run and get the demonstrators and bring them to the Forum.
EARL: What if they don't want to come?
DOCTOR: You'll find a way. I'll meet you here later.
EARL: Right.

(Earl leaves. The Doctor knocks on the box office door again.)

DOCTOR: I want to find out if there's an artist appearing in the Forum tonight.
DOORMAN: I'll just have a look at my list.
DOCTOR: Her name is Ace.
DOORMAN: I can't do anything till I find my list, now can I?

(A Patrol member goes up to Daphne's poster and paints RIP on it. She was the killjoy from the top of the show, I think.)

DOORMAN: Oh dear. Doesn't look like Daphne S went down too well, now does it?
Part Three

[Forum Square]

(Ace is being escorted by a Patrol lead by Daisy K.)

DAISY: Big smiles, girls. It's show time.

[Helen A's home]

(Helen is watching the factory workers demonstration on television whilst stroking a heavily bandaged Fifi.)

HELEN: Look at them, Fifi. Dreary clothes, turgid music and terrible deportment. Oh, they really are so depressing. Happiness will prevail. Happiness Patrol section F, prepare to effect a large scale disappearance. A drone demonstration is heading towards Forum Square. Proceed there directly. Take no prisoners.

[Forum Square]

(The Doorman has got his list.)

DOORMAN: Ace Sigma, wasn't it?
DOCTOR: Yes.
DOORMAN: What does she do, then?
DOCTOR: Do?
DOORMAN: Sing, dance, juggle, magic, vent or impressions?
DOCTOR: She makes things disappear.
DOORMAN: Magic.
DOCTOR: (sotto) Nothing magical about the way she does it.
DOORMAN: No, I've nothing down here under magic, but I can do you an Ace Sigma on the miracle survival act.
DOCTOR: What does that mean? No, don't tell me. If she survives, it's a miracle.

[Helen A's home]

(Helen unbandages Fifi's paw.)

HELEN: There we are. And the last one. Ah, there we are, my darling. All mended. We're a team, Fifi, you and I. We help each other, and we will make this a happy planet, in spite of all the killjoys and the bunglers that surround us. And if they're miserable, we put them out of their misery. After all, it's for their own good. But first of all, a little harmless revenge. You take the vermin in the pipes, I'll take the vermin in the Forum.

[Forum Square]

(The Doctor is sitting on the steps up to the Forum.)

TANNOY: This is a public happiness announcement. A depression is moving towards Forum Square. The proper authorities will restore harmony and peace.

(Trevor sits down next to the Doctor.)

TREVOR: Doctor.
DOCTOR: Trevor Sigma. Come to see the fun? Or is that classified information?
TREVOR: No, I'm leaving this planet. I've completed my census.

(Trevor hands over a roll of parchment for the Doctor to read.)

DOCTOR: Oh, is that it? And where are the Census Bureau going to send you next?
TREVOR: Earth. Have you been there?
DOCTOR: Once or twice.
TREVOR: Miserable sort of place.
DOCTOR: You're making me feel nostalgic. Wait a minute. You can't give them these names. I know them. Harold V, Silas P. They might have lived here once, but
TREVOR: They've disappeared. I know. Strange, isn't it? Don't ask me why, but that is what they wanted.
DOCTOR: How long is it since you were last on this planet?
TREVOR: Er, six months ago.
DOCTOR: So, this represents six months worth of Helen A's handiwork. A list of the disappeared.
TREVOR: That's right.

(The Doctor throws the list so that it unrolls down the steps and into the square proper. That's a lot of names.)

[Street]

(Priscilla is on one of the Patrol's buggies.)

PRISCILLA: Over there.
MAN: What?
PRISCILLA: In the shadows. A killjoy. Dark coat, drooping shoulders, a tear glistening on the cheekbone. Summary execution.
MAN: Not this time, Priscilla. Save it for the drones. Drive on.

[Forum Square]

(At the top of the steps is a microphone on a stand. The Doctor taps it to discover it is live, then picks it up and croons 'As Time Goes By'.)

DOCTOR: It's still the same old story, a fight for love or glory, a case of do or die.

(Earl picks up the tune on his harmonica and enters the square.)

DOCTOR: Earl.
EARL: The drones are on their way.
DOCTOR: Thank you, Earl. Everything's beginning to fall into place. As time goes by.
(Helen and Joseph put Fifi into the pipes. Her howls echo and the little people run.
Eventually Daisy and her Patrol march Ace and Susan into the Square.)
DOCTOR: You're late.
ACE: Doctor!
DOCTOR: You don't know how happy I am to see you, Ace!
DAISY: I'm glad you're happy, Doctor, but now it's fun time. Have a nice death.

(Daisy raises her gun. The Doctor laughs.)

ACE: Doctor!
DOCTOR: It's all right, Ace. They can't shoot me because they see before them a happy man! And their logic tells them, twisted though it be, that as such they have no power over me. I may have been some time ago a little grouchy, perhaps, a little bad-tempered, but not today. No, because today the Doctor and the drones are having a ball!

(The Doctor blows a party whistle and lets off streamers. Earl leads in the cheering drones, who shed their black cloaks and join in the merriment. Gilbert drives in with another patrol.)

DOCTOR: You can't do it, Happiness Patrol section B. You can't go down in the history of the galaxy as a bunch of partypoopers. The only killjoys in this square are behind you!

(The newly arrived patrol point their guns at Daisy and co.)

DOCTOR: They're just wallowing in their own
GILBERT: Weltschmertz.
DOCTOR: Weltschmertz. All except Susan Q and Ace, who are happy to see me!

(Susan and Ace start laughing and go to join the Doctor.)

DOCTOR: Very happy.

(The Doctor, Earl, Susan and Ace get into Priscilla's patrol car.)

DAISY: Priscilla P, stop it.

(The two patrols level their weapons at each other.)

ACE: Come on, Professor, get this heap of junk moving.

(They drive off.)

[Execution yard]

(Helen and Joseph are walking arm in arm.)

HELEN: Lovely evening.
JOSEPH: Yes, dear.
HELEN: It's the sort of evening that makes you happy to be alive. I said, it's the sort of evening that makes you happy to be alive!
JOSEPH: Oh. Yes, dear. I'm glad you're happy.
HELEN: And I'm happy you're glad.
TANNOY: Happiness will prevail. Chaos in Forum Square. Fighting has broken out in the ranks of the Happiness Patrol itself. Happiness will prevail.
HELEN: No matter how hard I try, no matter how much work I put in, something always happens. Even moments like this aren't sacred. But one day, we will be happy. One day, I will be appreciated.
JOSEPH: Yes, dear.
HELEN: Here, you wait for Fifi. I suppose I'd better deal with this myself.
JOSEPH: Yes, dear.

[Street]

(The Doctor pulls up next to a manhole cover.)

ACE: Where to now, Professor?
DOCTOR: To the top.

(And dives headfirst through the hole.)

[Waiting zone]

(Priscilla is back at her old duty, and her prisoner is Daisy, playing the joke machine.)

PRISCILLA: Keep playing. Enjoy yourself.
DAISY: Strictly speaking, P, this game is for killjoys. And I am not a killjoy.
PRISCILLA: You pick up a lot in five years on the streets. You can see it in their eyes. You can feel their fear. They know you're watching.

(Daisy gets a jackpot and the screen in the machine comes to life.)

DAISY: Ah, it's Helen A!
PRISCILLA: Ignore it. It's just a recording.
HELEN [on screen]: It's not a recording. I'm broadcasting live. Put down your gun and release Daisy K.
PRISCILLA: But she's a killjoy. I arrested her myself.
HELEN [on screen]: I'm losing patience. Put down your gun.

(Daisy leaves.)

PRISCILLA: What shall I do, ma'am?
HELEN [on screen]: You're in the Waiting zone. Wait.

[Pipe]

(The little people run up to the Doctor and Ace.)

ACE: Here's company, Professor.
DOCTOR: Ah, Wulfric, Wences.

(Fifi's howl echoes along the pipe.)

DOCTOR: That sounds like a Stigorax. I haven't met one since I was in Birmingham in the twenty fifth century. Ruthless, intelligent predators.
WENCES: Danger!
WULFRIC: Fifi!

(The little people run on.)

DOCTOR: Fifi? That wouldn't be Fifi as in Fifi the annoyed rat you claim to have blown to smithereens?
ACE: Nobody's perfect, Professor.
DOCTOR: Including Fifi.

(They run to an intersection.)

DOCTOR: This way, I think.
WENCES: That way danger.
DOCTOR: Precisely.

[Helen A's office]

HELEN: So. What are we left with after this little local difficulty in Forum Square. Remind me.
DAISY: A posse heading out towards the sugar factories, and the Doctor and his gang roaming the city.
HELEN: Nothing insoluble there. All the factories are heavily protected and we'll soon track down the Doctor.
DAISY: He may have gone down into the pipes.
HELEN: Excellent. We'll leave Fifi to deal with him.

[Pipe]

ACE: What was that?
EARL: Sounded like an A flat to me.
DOCTOR: Shush. Whisper.
SUSAN: Why are we whispering?
EARL: Crystallised syrup. As it ages it becomes unstable.
ACE: So any loud noise could set off an avalanche.
DOCTOR: Hardly any loud noise, just certain loud noises.
ACE: Crucial.
DOCTOR: I want you to go down the other end with the Pipe People.
ACE: Come on, Professor.
DOCTOR: Take Susie Q with you. Come on. Run!

(Ace and Susan run.)

DOCTOR: Earl, give me an A flat.
EARL: Eh?
DOCTOR: No, A flat.
EARL: Why?
DOCTOR: Resonance. Sympathetic vibrations. Haven't you read the paper of Doctor John Wallace to the Royal Society in 1677? Quickly.

(Earl plays the note, and Fifi howls.)

DOCTOR: Wrong note. Er, give me a C.
EARL: Isn't this dangerous?
DOCTOR: Yes. Keep playing.
(He does. Fifi joins in and they run. Fifi howls again and brings the crystalline syrup crashing down on herself.
In the execution yard, Joseph hears the crash.)

[Helen A's office]

TANNOY: Happiness will prevail. Factory guards are joining forces with the drones to destroy the Nevani sugar beet plant here in sector six. We will keep broadcasting.
HELEN: It's only one factory, Daisy K. I've built over a thousand.
DAISY: What about the reports of riots, hmm? And public unhappiness?
HELEN: Simple. All we need is someone who knows the streets like the back of her hand. Someone who is a good fighter, and someone above all who is fiercely loyal. Who do you suggest? Priscilla P, perhaps?
DAISY: She's a fanatic.
HELEN: That's how I like them. Get me the Waiting zone.

(Priscilla has been bound and gagged. Susan is standing over her with a weapon while Earl plays the blues. This is on the wall screen in Helen's office.)

HELEN: Get me the Kandyman.
DAISY: You're not unhappy about something?
HELEN: Daisy, get me the Kandyman!

[Kandy Kitchen]

(The Kandyman answers the candlestick telephone.)

KANDYMAN: Kandyman.

[Helen A's office]

HELEN: I want the Doctor, and I want him now. I don't care what you do, I don't care how far you have to go.

[Kandy Kitchen]

KANDYMAN: That won't be necessary.

[Helen A's office]

HELEN: Why not?
KANDYMAN [OC]: He's just dropped in.

[Kandy Kitchen]

(The Doctor climbs up out of the manhole.)

DOCTOR: Kandyman, I don't believe you've met my young friend, Ace. An expert in calorification, incineration, carbonisation and inflammation.

(Ace runs across the kitchen and around the Kandyman's back.)

KANDYMAN: I beg your pardon?
DOCTOR: She's come to look at your oven.
KANDYMAN: Has she, indeed? Then she should wait to be asked. Impolite guests get to feel the back of my candy hand.

(Ace hides a poker behind her back as the Kandyman advances on her.)

DOCTOR: That may be, Kandyman, but the last time we met you said you were going to kill me.
KANDYMAN: Really, Doctor? Thank you for reminding me.
ACE: I wouldn't give that pimple head a hundred to one against you, Professor.

(Ace puts the poker onto the lit gas hob to warm up.)

KANDYMAN: Pimple head? I'm disappointed in you, Doctor. I expected you to choose your friends more carefully. Still, she won't be a friend much longer, will she.
DOCTOR: I agree, you are a pimple head.
KANDYMAN: I'm finding this rather tiresome. Heads or tails, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Tails. Well?
KANDYMAN: That would be telling.

(The Kandyman advances on Ace, who grabs the now red-hot poker.)

DOCTOR: You're playing a dangerous game, Kandyman. That red-hot poker could cut through you like a knife through butterscotch.
KANDYMAN: I have to bow, however reluctantly, to your logic, which leaves me only one alternative.

(Ace throws the poker to the Doctor as the Kandyman turns on him.)

DOCTOR: Quick, Ace. Open the oven door!

(Ace does. The Doctor uses the poker to ignite the gas and a massive flame shoots out. The Kandyman retreats through the manhole. The Doctor and Ace run up the stairs.)

ACE: What about the Kandyman?
DOCTOR: Oh, he'll keep. He's full of colouring, flavouring and preservative.

[Street]

(Susan shoots out one of the loudspeakers and the muzak stops.)

EARL: Blissful, isn't it, Doctor? Silence.
DOCTOR: Ah, not quite. I can hear the sound of empires toppling.
EARL: And thanks to this lady and her fun gun, she can take out a loudspeaker playing muzak at a hundred paces.

(And does so.)

ACE: Can I have a go, Professor?
DOCTOR: Wanton destruction of public property? Certainly not.

[Kandy Kitchen]

(Wences and Wulfric move the levers to send the Fondant Surprise to somewhere other than the Execution yard, whilst their fellows sample the various pans bubbling on the stove.)

WENCES: Wicked.

[Helen A's office]

DAISY: No reply.
HELEN: He must still be in the Kandy Kitchen.
DAISY: I've already tried there.
HELEN: Try it again.

(The wall screen switches to a view of the empty kitchen.)

HELEN: I wonder where he can be?

[Execution yard]

(The non-sugar remains of the Kandyman come out of the metal chute.)

JOSEPH: Close to the Kandyman, were you?
GILBERT: I made him.
JOSEPH: Really? How very interesting.
GILBERT: Only his body. His mind was very much his own.
JOSEPH: I certainly don't recall the chap ever arriving.
GILBERT: He was born in the Kandy Kitchen.
JOSEPH: Whereas you came from Vasilip, if memory serves.
GILBERT: I was exiled from Vasilip. I brought his bones here in a suitcase.
JOSEPH: Exiled, you say?
GILBERT: I made a mistake. I was working in the state laboratories. Without realising it, I invented a deadly new germ. The disease wiped out nearly half the population.
JOSEPH: Still, hardly your fault. Can't you just pack him up and start again?
GILBERT: Not this time. He's better off this way. The Kandyman's gone.

[Helen A's home]

DAISY: Will you be away long?
HELEN: Away?
DAISY: You're packing a case. I assume
HELEN: Why should I be going away?
DAISY: I just thought. The situation here.
HELEN: There's nothing wrong, is there, Daisy K?
DAISY: No, of course not. Everything's fine.
TANNOY: Happiness will prevail. One hundred and twelve factories have now fallen to the rebels as they continue their drive westwards.
HELEN: As you said, Daisy K. Everything's fine. I'm happy.
DAISY: I'm glad you're happy.

(Helen goes into her office with her small metal suitcase and calls up a computer status on the wall screen. Escape shuttle ready for take off.)

[Pipe]

ACE: Are we under the palace now?
DOCTOR: Yes, this is where we get in.

(The Doctor pushes open a manhole cover.)

DOCTOR: Okay, Wences, this is the point at which we must say goodbye.
WULFRIC: Doctor
DOCTOR: No protests. Soon you'll be back in the sugar fields.

(Rumble.)

ACE: Something's taking off.
DOCTOR: Yes. It sounds like a shuttle.

[Helen A's office]

(The wallscreen says Shuttle in orbit, but Helen is not on it. Then, Receiving incoming communication.)

HELEN: Gilbert M!
GILBERT [on screen]: It's all working quite beautifully, Helen A, as you can see. A masterful piece of engineering, even though I say so myself.
HELEN: You betrayed me!
GILBERT [on screen]: My only complaint is the company. I don't know how you put up with it.
HELEN: How did you get into my escape shuttle?
GILBERT [on screen]: That's what I was saying. The captain let me in.
HELEN: Who is this captain? Let me see him.
JOSEPH [on screen]: Goodbye, dear.
HELEN: What are you doing there? You're supposed to be waiting for Fifi.
JOSEPH [on screen]: Really, dear? It must have slipped my mind.
(The shuttle leaves orbit.
A short while later, the Doctor walks in to see Daisy pointing a handgun at him.)
DOCTOR: Ah, I was looking for Helen A. Perhaps you could tell her
DAISY: You're too late, Doctor. She's gone. But I'm delighted to see you.

(Susan shoots Daisy's gun out of her hand, then enters, followed by Earl.)

DOCTOR: Susan Q. Who taught you to shoot like that?
SUSAN: She did.
DOCTOR: Oh, thank you, Daisy K.
ACE: You all right, Professor?
DOCTOR: Splendid.
ACE: Hello, faceache.

(While Helen makes her way carefully through the dark, quiet streets, Daisy is stripped of her wig, gagged and tied to a chair. Susan is pulling tape from a machine.)

SUSAN: Yeah, no more lift music.
EARL: Unless it sounds like this.

(Earl plays his harmonica into the broadcast system.)

[Street]

(The Doctor steps out of a shadow.)

DOCTOR: You can't get away, Helen A.
HELEN: There's a scheduled flight in an hour. You can't stop me, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Oh, I know I can't, but it's not me you're running away from.
HELEN: Who is it, then?
DOCTOR: Yourself. That's why you'll never escape.
HELEN: They didn't understand me.
DOCTOR: Oh, they understood you only too well. That's why they resisted you.
HELEN: I only wanted the best for them.
DOCTOR: The best? Prisons? Death squads? Executions?
HELEN: They only came later. I told them to be happy, but they wouldn't listen. I gave them every chance. Oh, I know they laughed sometimes, but they still cried, they still wept.
DOCTOR: Don't you ever feel like weeping, Helen A?
HELEN: Of course not, Doctor. It's unnecessary, and those that persisted had to be punished.
DOCTOR: Why?
HELEN: For the good of the majority. For the ones that wanted to be happy, who wanted to take the opportunities that I gave them.
DOCTOR: What were these opportunities you gave them? A bag of sweets? A few tawdry party games? Bland, soulless music? Do these things make you happy? Of course they don't. Because they're cosmetic. Happiness is nothing unless it exists side by side with sadness.

(The Doctor produces a coin from the air.)

DOCTOR: Two sides, one coin.
HELEN: You can keep your coin, Doctor, and your sadness. I'll go somewhere else. I'll find somewhere where there is no sadness. A place where people know how to enjoy themselves.
DOCTOR: I'm sure you will, Helen A.
HELEN: A place where people are strong, where they hold back the tears. A place where people pull themselves together.
DOCTOR: Where there is no compassion.
HELEN: Where there is control.
DOCTOR: A place where there is no love.
HELEN: I always thought love was overrated.

(Then she sees her beloved pet lying on a manhole cover, dying.)

HELEN: Fifi!
DOCTOR: Fifi?

(Helen rushes to Fifi and cries over her body. Ace joins the Doctor.)

ACE: Shouldn't we do something, Professor?
DOCTOR: 'Tis done.

[Forum Square]

(The Happiness Patrol are in painters coveralls and carrying paint pots. They have removed the garish wigs.)

DAISY: This is all your fault, Priscilla.
PRISCILLA: I'm glad you're happy, Daisy.

(The Doctor and Ace are with Wences and Wulfric, and Susan and Earl.)

DOCTOR: It's been a long night and I think we ought to be off. What about you, Earl?
EARL: Think I'll hang out here for a while, Doc. See if I can teach this planet the blues again.
SUSAN: Yes, thank you for giving them back to us, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Hmm?
SUSAN: The blues.
DOCTOR: Oh, yes. There are no other colours without the blues.

(The Doctor and Earl exchange the complicated Black Brotherhood handshake, then he and Ace go to the TARDIS and she finishes repainting it blue.)

ACE: Will they be all right, Professor?
DOCTOR: Happiness will prevail.

Transcript originally provided by Chrissie. Adapted by TARDIS.guide. The transcripts are for educational and entertainment purposes only. All other copyrights property of their respective holders.

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