The Happiness Patrol

“Happiness is nothing unless it exists side by side with sadness.”

KANDYMAN: So you trusted me, then, Doctor.

DOCTOR: Of course.

KANDYMAN: Very wise. I am a Kandyman of my word, but now our bargain is over. It's time to kill you.

DOCTOR: I thought you might have said that.

KANDYMAN: I beg your pardon?

DOCTOR: She's come to look at your oven.

KANDYMAN: Has she, indeed? Then she should wait to be asked. Impolite guests get to feel the back of my candy hand.

SUSAN Q: I woke up one morning.

ACE: I know that song.

SUSAN Q: There's a million blues songs start like that. But I did wake up one morning, and suddenly something was very clear. I couldn't go on smiling. Smiling while my friends disappeared, wearing this uniform and smiling and trying to pretend I'm something I'm not. Trying to pretend that I'm happy. Better to let it end. Better to just relax and let it happen. I woke up one morning and I realised it was all over.

ACE: Look, I'm sorry.

SUSAN Q: I think we'll abandon our rehearsal.

ACE: I'm not Happiness Patrol material anyway. They stand for everything I hate. Like you said, smiling all the time, smiling when it doesn't mean anything. I'm not one of them. I can't play an instrument, I can't dance, I can't sing.

SUSAN Q: No, but there is something you might be very good at.

ACE: Oh, yeah?

SUSAN Q: A disappearing act.

ACE: What do I have to do?

SUSAN Q: It's simple. I give you this key, then I close my eyes, and when I open them, you've gone.

DOCTOR: Hello.

DAVID: Get back or I'll use the gun.

DOCTOR: Yes, I imagine you will. You like guns, don't you.

DAVID: This is a specialised weapon. It's designed for roof duty, designed for long range. I've never used one up close before.

ALEX: Let him go.

DAVID: No.

DOCTOR: No. In fact, let him come a little closer.

DAVID: Stay where you are.

DOCTOR: Why? Scared? Why should you be scared? You're the one with the gun.

DAVID: That's right.

DOCTOR: You like guns, don't you.

ALEX: He'll kill you.

DOCTOR: Of course he will. That's what guns are for. Pull the trigger, end a life. Simple, isn't it.

DAVID: Yes.

DOCTOR: Makes sense, doesn't it.

DAVID: Yes.

DOCTOR: A life killing life.

ALEX: Who are you?

DOCTOR: Shut up. Why don't you do it then? Look me in the eye, pull the trigger, end my life. Why not?

DAVID: I can't.

DOCTOR: Why not?

DAVID: I don't know.

DOCTOR: No, you don't, do you.

(The Doctor takes the gun from David.)

DOCTOR: Throw away your gun.

(Alex drops his gun.)

EARL: Blissful, isn't it, Doctor? Silence.

DOCTOR: Ah, not quite. I can hear the sound of empires toppling.