The Giggle

[Soho 1925 (The Emporium)]

(A man enters from the rain.)

TOYMAKER: Ah! Guten Tag, guten Tag! Kommen into the warm. It is ge-raining, is it not? All of the water all splishy-splashy. Now, what can I helpen Sie mit? Behold, we have everything, everything you could be ge-wanten. We have dolls. Such beautiful pink-faced dollen, ja? We have the compendium of games, mit the dice und the snaken und ladders, und the rules. They are very, very importanten, these rules, don't you think? Also, we have the teddy bears und the hobbyhorsen - who does not want a hobbyhorsen to go clippity-clop down the Strasse, ja?
CHARLES: No. I just want this, really.

(A ventriloquist's dummy.)

TOYMAKER: Ah! Stooky Bill! Meine favouriten. But you will leave the family all alone. Poor Stooky Sue and the poor Stooky Babbies. You would leave them without Papa? The widow und the orphans will be ge-crying.
CHARLES: Er… No, just… just him, thank you. Is that real hair?
TOYMAKER: Ja. Ja. I was ge-sticking on the hair mein self. I cut it off the head of a beautiful lady. She will not miss it. But then… ..she will never miss anything ever again. (musical laugh)
CHARLES: And… and how much is that?

(Having wrapped the dummy, the Toymaker stops being German.)

TOYMAKER: Sixpence. I really must apologise for the rain. You must be used to sunnier climes.
CHARLES: I was born in Cheltenham. Your accent seems to have slipped.
TOYMAKER: (Germanic) I hope the kiddies enjoy him.
CHARLES: It's not for children. It's for my employer. You may have heard of him. He only lives around the corner. Mr John Logie Baird.
TOYMAKER: Oh, the inventor man. Wunderbar. What is he being inventing now?
CHARLES: Well, it's complicated. It's a new thing… called television.
TOYMAKER: Well, what a game we are playing. What a wonderful, wonderful game.

(The musical laugh as Charles leaves.)

[22 Frith Street]

(Stooky Bill's head is pulled off.)

BAIRD: Poor wee Stooky. That's a Scottish word. Do you know what stooky means? It comes from stucco, as in plaster, but it's come to mean stupid and slow. Like Billy Boy's an idiot. But he can't be that daft. He's about to make history.

(The painted head is stuck in front of a screen. The two men go into the next room.)

BAIRD: Ready now?
CHARLES: I think so.
BAIRD: May God go with us.

(Lights on, the disc with holes in starts spinning. Baird watches as the first transmitted image appears on a screen.)

BAIRD: I did it, Charlie! I did it! The very first television picture.

(Stooky's hair starts to burn.)

CHARLES: How hot is it in there? Not going to catch fire, are we?
BAIRD: That's why we need Stooky Bill. No man could sit underneath that temperature. Problem is, it could be a photograph. If I'm to prove television works, I'll need a moving image.

(Stooky's jaw drops.)

BAIRD: I got quite the shock!
CHARLES: Me too!
BAIRD: Imagine if he could talk.

(That musical laugh again.)

BAIRD: That wee chap's about to change the world. Imagine what he would say.

[Soho today]

(Utter chaos. The Doctor intervenes when a man steps out in front of a taxi, fists clenched.)

DOCTOR: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Excuse me. Can you tell me, what are you doing?
MAN: I can't drive.
DOCTOR: Okay, so… Which means…?
MAN: I pay my taxes, which means I've paid for this road. It is mine, and I will do with it what I like.
DOCTOR: You'll get yourself killed.
MAN: It's my life, not yours.

(In the background, a man in top hat and tails with a cane - The Toymaker - is dancing through the mayhem.)

DOCTOR: You could…just stand over there and be safe.
MAN: Blame them! Because it all changed two days ago. Everyone started thinking they're right, all the time, and they won't change their mind. If you try to argue, they go mad. Well, not me. I've always been right.

(The Doctor gets out of the way and the dancer bumps into him.)

TOYMAKER: Excusez-moi, monsieur. Je suis terrible. But perhaps you will dance avec moi. Ooh-la-la!
DOCTOR: Er, sorry. Thanks.

(Donna is nearby with Wilf in a wheelchair when armoured vehicles come screeching round the corner.)

LOUDHAILER: Attention, the Doctor! Attention, the Doctor! Stay where you are. You are under UNIT control. Repeat, UNIT control.
SOLDIERS: Go, go, go! Line up. Quick, muster.
IBRAHIM: Doctor? I'm Colonel Ibrahim of UNIT Squad 5. If you could come with us.
DONNA: Get him to safety. All right? Never mind about us. I want my grandad safe. All right, you got that?
IBRAHIM: Yes, ma'am. We'll keep your family safe.
WILF: You go with the Doctor.

(The Toymaker waves bye, bye. The Doctor, Donna and the TARDIS are flown by helicopter to…)

[UNIT helipad]

DONNA: Oh, here comes trouble.
SHIRLEY: I could say the same about you.
DOCTOR: Shirley, you can't be serious. And Kate Lethbridge-Stewart! I remember your father working night and day to keep UNIT secret, and look at you now, out and proud and defending the Earth.

(Kate hugs The Doctor, she looks very concerned)

KATE: I fought them all. Robots and insects and Yetis and clones. But what do we do this time, Doctor? How do we fight the human race?

[UNIT Operations]

MEL: That's for you.

(He takes the datapad.)

DOCTOR: Good, good, good. Now, what have we got? Are these worldwide? Because I'm going to need all the statistics… Oh, no way. Oh, that is the best news! Melanie, hello!
MEL: We'll catch up later. We haven't got time. (To Donna) I used to be like you. I was one of his companions.
DONNA: I wasn't the first redhead?
MEL: No, that was me.

(Actually it was Vislor Turlough...)

DONNA: Although don't say companion. That sounds like we park him on the seafront at Weston-super-Mare. Is park rude?
SHIRLEY: Borderline.
KATE: And stations. Gold protocols, the Doctor's in the room - report.
SHIRLEY: Two days ago, an increase in violence worldwide - the same increase in every country, and all rising at exactly the same rate.
KATE: Basically, every single human being thinks they're right and won't be told otherwise.
IBRAHIM: That plane crash, the F665 Boston to Heathrow. The pilot declared his right to land wherever he wants.
PILOT [on screen]: I'm coming home! Look out, London! Daddy's coming home! Ha-ha-ha!
DOCTOR: But if everyone's going mad…
KATE: So is the Government.
PRIME MINISTER [on screen]: What do I care? I mean, seriously. Why should I care about you?
DONNA: No change there, then.
DOCTOR: But you're fine. You're completely normal. And that's because of the…?

(Armband.)

KATE: We call it the Zeedex.
VLINX: An invention of the Vlinx.

(An insectoid alien with lots of tentacles for lower appendages, and touchpads under each 'hand'.)

DOCTOR: Hello, the Vlinx. I'm the Doctor. So why is it called a Zeedex?
VLINX: Good name.
KATE: It disrupts the brain, flattens the spike, keeps everything calm.
DOCTOR: And the spike is…?
KATE: I think I need to show you. Activate brain scan.
SHIRLEY: Activating, ma'am.
KATE: That's my brain activity. Seems normal, albeit slightly heightened, given the end of the world. Now, keep your eye on the scan. And deactivate my Zeedex.
SHIRLEY: Kate Lethbridge-Stewart. Off.
KATE: Well?
DOCTOR: Er…hello?
KATE: Hello.
DOCTOR: How are you?
KATE: Fine.
DOCTOR: Busy day?
KATE: Why do you want to know?
DOCTOR: I'm just asking. Is that a problem?
KATE: It's an invasion of my privacy. In fact, it's an assault on my civic rights. And I think it's highly relevant that the person demanding information from me is an alien.
DOCTOR: (to Shirley) Okay.
KATE: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. (removes Zeedex) I think you'll find that I'm in charge here. And we've been infiltrated by an alien, by a man with two hearts, a man who changes his face and cannot be trusted. And you, and her, both with red hair. What is this? Some sort of conspiracy? What are you hiding? And as for her in that chair, I've seen you walk. I've seen you walking. Don't deny it! No! You can't stop me! It's about time you heard the truth.

(Two soldiers hold her while Ibrahim replaces her Zeedex.)

IBRAHIM: Activate Zeedex.
KATE: I'm sorry.
DOCTOR: No, it's okay.
KATE: Shirley, I'm so sorry.
SHIRLEY: Absolutely no need.
KATE: It's… It's not just me. It keeps spiking inside every single person's head.
DONNA: But what's that mean? It's being beamed in from outside?
VLINX: No, it is natural. It is generated inside the brain.
DONNA: But not me. Not Grandad.
MEL: Nor me. I'm wearing a Zeedex just in case, but I've been fine. Well, no more opinionated than usual.
DONNA: You and me both.
DOCTOR: Maybe long-term travel in the TARDIS puts you out of sync.
DONNA: Can't you give everyone a Zeedex?
KATE: Imagine trying that.
TRINITY WELLS [on screen]: They are using this to control us and monitor us and microwave our brains. I am anti-Zeedex!
DOCTOR: Can we filter this wavelength, lose the background noise?
SHIRLEY: Mmm hmm. Gives us a strong coherent wave in the Seizure Focus, peaking seven times.
DOCTOR: So this started two days ago. But why then? What else happened on that day?
KATE: Exactly. We've been looking for a trigger, and there's this. The KOSAT 5 satellite launched by South Korea, activated two days ago.
SHIRLEY: And here it is right now, 36,000km above us.
KATE: KOSAT is the final link in the chain. The world is now 100% online. From the highest mountain to the deepest valley on Earth, everyone is connected.
SHIRLEY: But KOSAT is clean. We've checked and double-checked. It's not like the old Archangel Network. There's nothing hiding in that signal.
DOCTOR: And yet… for the first time in history, everyone has access to this. A screen.
DONNA: What if it's a tune?
DOCTOR: What?
DONNA: I know we've only got minutes to live, but give me a second, because I spent six months teaching my daughter how to play the recorder till she said, this is not who I am. And that was the start of a whole other conversation, believe you me. But if… you look at these seven peaks… like this, maybe it's music.
MEL: A classic arpeggio. Middle C an octave higher. ♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la. ♪
KATE: Oh.
DOCTOR: What? What is it?
KATE: Sing that again.
MEL: ♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la. ♪
DONNA: I know that tune.
SHIRLEY: I know that from somewhere. What are the notes?
MEL: C-E-G-C-G-E-C. It's a musical palindrome. But it's just a straightforward arpeggio. Everyone knows arpeggios. It's a basic tune. So the question is… why are we all reacting to this one?
DOCTOR: I'm not. The Vlinx?
VLINX: Negative.
DOCTOR: Just the humans.
DONNA: It's just…it's so familiar. It's like it's been buried in my head for years. Oh, what is it?
STOOKY BILL [OC]: ♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. ♪
SHIRLEY: I've found the exact same notes.
STOOKY BILL [on screen]: ♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. ♪
DOCTOR: Oh, it's not a tune.
STOOKY BILL [OC]: ♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. ♪
DOCTOR: It's a laugh.
KATE: It's a puppet.
DOCTOR: The giggle in everyone's head.
STOOKY BILL [on screen]: ♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. ♪
DONNA: What is that thing?
SHIRLEY: Stooky Bill. The first face to ever appear on television, put there by John Logie Baird himself.
DONNA: But I've never seen him before, so how do I know that laugh?
DOCTOR: If the very first image has been hiding in every screen ever since. Sneaking into your head, carving a wave, and waiting.
SHIRLEY: But hiding how? If there were secret pictures inside every television, we would have found it.
DOCTOR: What, because you're so clever? Maybe Stooky Bill's a lot smarter than you. Imagine, if he burnt himself into television itself and every picture ever since, every single one…

(Goes around sonicking the image onto screens and telephones.)

STOOKY BILL [on screen]: ♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. ♪
DOCTOR: Screen after screen after screen. And every type of screen. Every one and everywhere, he's inside 'em all. Two days ago, he finally connected worldwide, branding his giggle into your brains until he had enough screens to be complete. Since the very first existence of television, laughing at the human race… and driving you mad.

(A little later, screens back to normal.)

KATE: But something on that scale over so many years, who could do that?
DOCTOR: The puppet's just a puppet. We're looking for the puppeteer. And I've got a memory. I think something's coming back… after a very long time. But it's not only the giggle. Don't go thinking you've got an excuse. The human race might be clever and bright and brilliant, it's also savage and venal and relentless. All the anger out there on the street - the lies, the righteousness - that's human, that's you. That's who you are. Using your intelligence to be stupid. Poisoning the world. And hating each other? You've never needed any help with that. But today, something else is using your worst attributes, playing with you like toys. Can we take that satellite down?
KATE: All missiles are on lockdown, but we've got the Galvanic Beam.
DOCTOR: What range?
KATE: We can pick off a pebble on the moon. Trouble is, taking out a South Korean satellite will have international consequences, so we've been waiting for permission. All world leaders are being affected by the giggle.
DOCTOR: You have my permission.
KATE: Thank you, Doctor. Gold protocol override. All staff initiate Galvanic activation. Bring up the beam.
TANNOY: Platform in motion.
DOCTOR: Shirley, have we got the exact date that Logie Baird made that transmission?
SHIRLEY: I'll find it.
TANNOY: All clear on the helipad.
MEL: I fed the KOSAT fake coordinates so it's coming into UK orbit. Within range in three minutes.
DOCTOR: You're brilliant. Hello.
MEL: Hi.
TANNOY: Platform loading.
DOCTOR: You look so well. But how…?
MEL: Well, quick version. I travelled the stars with good old Sabalom Glitz. He lived till he was 101.
DOCTOR: Whoa.
MEL: Died falling over a whisky bottle. It was a perfect way to go! He had this great big Viking funeral, and then I thought, time to go home. So I got a lift off a zingo and came back to Earth.
DOCTOR: What's a zingo?
MEL: It's a thing you get a lift off. But then I had to face up to the one thing I'd been running away from. I've got nothing. My family are all gone. Remember? But then Kate offered me a job, and… here I am. Galvanic Beam payload, boarding.
TANNOY: Platform locking at Level 55.
KATE: That was very good work with the music.
DONNA: Oh.
KATE: If we survive this, you should think about joining UNIT.
DONNA: How much per year?
KATE: 60,000.
DONNA: 120 plus five weeks' holiday.
KATE: Done.

(Donna mouths wow.)

MEL: Galvanic Beam in position. KOSAT in range in 90 seconds.
SHIRLEY: Doctor? Stooky Bill was televised the 2nd of October 1925 at 22 Frith Street, Soho, W1D 4RF.
DOCTOR: Fire when ready, don't wait for me. TARDIS?
IBRAHIM: Suite 17.
DOCTOR: Okay.
DONNA: You're not going without me.

[Soho]

(The TARDIS materialises down a small alley.)

DOCTOR: Soho, 1925.
DONNA: So, what about Mel?
DOCTOR: Ha, ha. She's brilliant, isn't she?
DONNA: Yeah, but I just keep thinking - all this time, you've never mentioned her.
DOCTOR: Donna, I'm a billion years old. If I stood and talked about everyone I'd ever met, we'd still be in the TARDIS, yapping.
DONNA: So you talk about no-one, ever. You just keep charging on.
DOCTOR: Yes, because I'm busy right now.
DONNA: But you are busy every second of every day. I mean, look at us now. We haven't stopped. I saw you, Doctor. I got a glimpse inside your mind, and it's like you're staggering. You are staggering along. Maybe that's why your old face came back. You're wearing yourself out.
DOCTOR: Stooky Bill might be on Frith Street, but the question is, where did Stooky Bill come from?

(The Doctor looks through the windows of The Emporium, and the Toymaker keeps dodging out of sight.)

DOCTOR: Oh!

[The Emporium]

(The Toymaker is juggling three balls.)

TOYMAKER: The ball is the first game ever being invented.

(He throws one at the Doctor, who catches it. He is still juggling three balls. This continues through his speech.)

TOYMAKER: Stone Age man, he picked up a rock. He said, "Oh, das ist ein ball!" He throwed it, und he killed a man. He said, "Oh, what fun." Und now everybody loves the balls! Until the year five billion, when the very last human picks up the skull of his enemy und says, "That is the final ball of all." Ja?

(Donna catches a ball.)

DONNA: Enough.
TOYMAKER: Ah! Donna Noble. I wondered which one of you had ze balls.
DONNA: Okay, so you know my name. How do you two know each other?
DOCTOR: Donna, go back to the TARDIS.
DONNA: What?
DOCTOR: Go back to the TARDIS.
DONNA: You never tell me to do that.
TOYMAKER: Oh, but he is recognising me. Are you not ge-pleased, Herr Doktor, to see me again after so many years?
DONNA: Who is he?

(Quick flickers of the First Doctor and The Toymaker [Michael Gough] from The Celestial Toymaker.)

DOCTOR: The Toymaker.
TOYMAKER: We meet again, Doctor. But think! If the ball was the very first game, what was the second? Hide-and-seek! ♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! ♪

(He ducks back behind a curtain. The Doctor leaps over the counter and pulls it back to reveal a door, which opens onto a long corridor with many doors.)

[Corridor]

(Donna follows, and the door slams behind her.)

DOCTOR: No, no, no, no, no, no! Go back.

(But the shop has been replaced by more corridor.)

DONNA: It's bigger than the shop. Don't tell me he's got his own TARDIS.
DOCTOR: The TARDIS is an idea the Toymaker would throw away. We've stepped inside his domain, and it's governed by the rules of play.

(Through another door.)

DOCTOR: Okay. Keep going forward.
DONNA: But how does this even make sense? Because I've seen some things with you. I've seen Ood, Davros. I mean, the Adipose, for God's sake! But they had a sort of logic.

(Another door, another corridor.)

DONNA: Daleks built a great big bomb, I understood that. But this… this is impossible. How does it exist?
DOCTOR: That's what unravels me. All the laws I cling to, gone.

(And another one.)

DONNA: Who is the Toymaker? What is he?
DOCTOR: When I was young, I was so sure of myself I made a terrible mistake. I let the TARDIS fall into another realm, a hollow beneath the Under-Universe, where science is a game and all of us are toys.
DONNA: But you escaped.
DOCTOR: I beat the Toymaker, I won his game, but now he's here. He's found his way into reality. And I think it's all because of me. Because I got clever, didn't I? I cast that salt at the edge of the universe. I played a game and let him in. An elemental force with the power of a god, and he's driven the human race mad with a puppet.
DONNA: Yeah, but you always say…
DOCTOR: Oh, what do I say? What do I say? What do I say?! Because I'm always so certain. I'm all sonic and TARDIS and Time Lord. Take that away… Take away the toys, what am I? What am I now? I don't know if I can save your life this time.
DONNA: It's not about me.
DOCTOR: Oh yes, it is.
DONNA: Well, maybe I'll save you, you big idiot. Anyway, you beat him before.
DOCTOR: That's the problem. Odds on I'll lose next time.
DONNA: No. Doesn't work like that. Because my dad used to say, dice don't know what the dice did last time. Games don't have a memory. Every game starts from scratch.
DOCTOR: Oh, I like that. Well said, Dad. Okay, shall we find the right door?

(They try all the doors, the Doctor goes through one and it shuts on Donna. Of course it does.)

DOCTOR: Donna?
DONNA: Doctor!
DOCTOR: Donna, don't move. Can you hear me?
DONNA: Are you there? Doctor!
DOCTOR: Just stay there. I'll try another door.
DONNA: I'll try another door. Don't move.
CHARLES [OC]: Help me. Please help me.

[Room]

(Charles is wrapped up in paper and hanging from the picture rail.)

DOCTOR: I'm here. I've got you. What is this? What happened?
CHARLES: I bought a toy. And I paid the price.
DOCTOR: It's okay. Just let me lift you off. I'll take the weight, okay? Ready? Hup!

(Charles lands flat on the floor.)

CHARLES: I came back to the shop because I couldn't… I couldn't stop hearing him. The giggle. The giggle in my head.

(The Doctor unwraps him. Charles' body is a wooden puppet with strings attached.)

DOCTOR

DOCTOR: What are these?

(The strings pull Charles upright.)

CHARLES: I asked him to stop the giggle. And he said, I will stop if you play my game. But I lost. Now I dance. Whenever he commands, I dance and I prance, but I can never go home again. No. What would Mummy say if she saw me like this? Please, help me.

(The Toymaker is pulling the strings.)

TOYMAKER: Do you like my puppets, Doctor? Do you like my fun? All of them have played and lost, but here's my favourite one.

(Now the Doctor's face is on the puppet.)

DOCTOR-PUPPET: I thought I was clever. I thought I was clever.

(The Doctor runs out and down the corridor.)

[Clock room]

(Sounds of crying.)

DONNA: Hello? Who's that? Where are you? My name's Donna, and I warn you now, if this is a trick, I will kill you.

(A wooden ventriloquist's dummy comes out of the shadows.)

STOOKY SUE: I'm poor wee Stooky Sue. I don't know what to do. I lost my precious hubby. They threw me in the cubby.
DONNA: You're not real.
STOOKY SUE: They took my Bill away. I mourn him every day. He won't come home to me, cos they burnt him on TV.
DONNA: You're just… a doll.
STOOKY SUE: Now the Stooky Babbies weep. The Stooky Babbies cannae sleep. They miss their dear papa. They seek him near and far. They miss their kiss goodnight. They greet in endless night.

(The three baby dolls are coming down from the ceiling.)

BABBIE: Mama!

(And drop onto Donna.)

STOOKY SUE: Stooky Babbies are so sweet. Stooky Babbies want to eat. You've seen the widow cry, and now it's time to die.

(Donna has thrown off the babbies, and now pulls Sue from her neck.)

DONNA: Hello, Stooky, my name's Donna. Now I think that you're a goner.

(And smashes the wooden head against the wall until it flies off.)

DONNA: Anything to add, Babbies?

(The Babbies back into the shadows. Donna opens the door into...)

[Corridor]

DONNA: Oh, my God.
DOCTOR: There you are!

(The corridor is now a...)

[Theatre]

TOYMAKER: Kommen Sie, kommen Sie!

(Two seats rattle up behind them and propel them forward so they can see the puppet theatre.)

TOYMAKER: The show is just beginning. Worldwide premiere. Donna Noble, this is for you. Let me tell you what happened when the Doctor, he was leaving you. He met eine friend called Amy Pond. Und he loved Amy Pond. Yes, he be liking the redheads. Und they went to and fro in time und space, but… Amy Pond was touched by der Weeping Angel, und she died!

(Cuts the strings.)

DOCTOR: She died of old age.
TOYMAKER: Well, that's all right, then! Und then he was meeting Clara. Ooo! But she was killed by a bird.

(Strings cut.)

DOCTOR: She still survives in her last second of life.
TOYMAKER: Well, that's all right, then. But then the Doctor met Bill. Not Stooky Bill, but lady Bill. But she was killed by the Cybermen.

(Strings cut.)

DOCTOR: But her consciousness survives.
TOYMAKER: Oh, well, that's all right, then! Und then there came the Flux. Oh, Donna Noble, the poor Doctor.

(Cuts the strings of planets.)

TOYMAKER: The Flux was killing everything.
DONNA: Is all of this true?
DOCTOR: I challenge you to a game.

(The Doctor and the Toymaker sit at a card table. The Toymaker is very handy with a pack of cards.)

TOYMAKER: I accept the challenge.
DOCTOR: You have no choice.
TOYMAKER: I came to this universe with such delight. And I played them all, Doctor. I toyed with supernovas, turned galaxies into spinning tops. I gambled with God and made him a jack-in-the-box. I made a jigsaw out of your history. Did you like it? The Master was dying and begged for his life with one final game, and when he lost, I sealed him for all eternity inside my gold tooth. There's only one player I didn't dare face. The One Who Waits.
DOCTOR: Who's that?
TOYMAKER: I saw it, hiding, and I ran.
DOCTOR: What do you mean?
TOYMAKER: Hmm. That's someone else's game. What shall we play?
DOCTOR: One request. Tell me. The human race back in the future - why does everyone think they're right?
TOYMAKER: So that they win. I made every opinion supreme. That's the game of the 21st century. They shout and they type and they cancel. So I fixed it. Now everybody wins.
DOCTOR: And everyone loses.
TOYMAKER: The never-ending game. Now name your challenge.
DOCTOR: The simplest game of all. Let's cut.
TOYMAKER: Highest card wins.
DOCTOR: Aces high.
TOYMAKER: You choose.
DOCTOR: I'll go first.
DONNA: But he'll cheat.
BOTH: No.
TOYMAKER: Shame.
DOCTOR: That's the one thing he won't do.
DONNA: But they're his cards. It's all tricks. Of course he'll cheat.
DOCTOR: The only rules the Toymaker follows are the rules of the game. They bind his entire existence. I win or I lose, and that's it.
TOYMAKER: Then play.

(The Doctor turns up the eight of clubs.)

TOYMAKER: My turn. (King of hearts) I'm the king. Und now, meine kleine Doktor, we will see what is my prize.
DOCTOR: One… all. I won the game many years ago, you've won today, which leaves us equal. And you know two players are bound by one inviolable rule.
TOYMAKER: Best of three.
DOCTOR: Best of three.
TOYMAKER: Then let's make it 2023.

(He disappears.)

DOCTOR: Donna!
DONNA: I'm already running!

[Soho]

(They run out through the shop into the street just in time to watch the entire building fold up into a box with the four card suits on the lid.)

DONNA: He said 2023.
DOCTOR: Winner takes all.

[UNIT Operations]

MEL: We're one degree and 27 minutes out. Give it a base-drive reset.
SHIRLEY: Galvanic Beam reset and reload.
TANNOY: Galvanic Beam resetting from base.
SHIRLEY: Accuracy 100%. Systems locked and loaded. Satellite within range.
KATE: And fire.
IBRAHIM: Yes, ma'am

(Whirr, zoom, kaBOOM! Signal terminated.)

MEL: We did it!
SHIRLEY: Success!

(The Doctor puts the box on Mel's desk.)

DOCTOR: Keep an eye on that. The satellite was only a link in the chain, so Donna needs access to the sub-frame. There is no-one in London faster on a keyboard. She's creating a template for this. It coordinates all telescopes and satellites and deep-space scans across the Earth. The Vlinx, I need all mesh reflectors on Earth translated into Digital 5.
VLINX: Mesh reflector link.
DONNA: Mel, is this static or dynamic?
MEL: Dynamic. We're using Triad.
DONNA: Gotcha. Okay, so you should all be receiving this… now.
KATE: How bad is it, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Something entered this world in 1925. I don't know how. And I warn you, this thing can get from 1925 to now like stepping through a door. But if we're lucky, the programme I'm giving you can detect the decay of an energy signature from 98 years ago. It might be on Earth, might be in orbit, might be in space. But if we can find the entrance, maybe we can turn it into an exit.
KATE: What are we fighting?
DOCTOR: An elemental force beyond the rules of the universe.
SHIRLEY: What's that supposed to mean?
DOCTOR: You think life is a balance between order and chaos. But the universe is not binary. Far from it. There is order and chaos… and there is play. What's that?

(Spice Up Your Life by the Spice Girls is playing.)

KATE: Could you turn that off, please?
MEL: Who is that?
DOCTOR: Oh, I think he's here.

(Yup. In a red Drum Major outfit, miming and dancing to that song.)

SPICE GIRLS: ♪ When you're feeling sad and low, We will take you where you gotta go. Smiling, dancing, everything is free. All you need is positivity. Colours of the world, spice up your life! Every boy and every girl, spice up your life! People of the world, spice up your life! Aaaah. (Tango with Kate) Slam it to the left if you're having a good time. Shake it to the right if you know that you feel fine. (and throws her into the wall.) Chicas to the front. (Mel's turn) Slam it to the left if you're having a good time. Shake it to the right if you know that you feel fine. Chicas to the front… (And spins her off) Hai, si, ja, hold tight! La-la-la… ♪
KATE: Detain him!
DOCTOR: No, don't!

(The Toymaker turns the two soldiers into rubber balls. One bounces into Shirley's hands - with a screaming face in it.)

KATE: What happened to them?
DOCTOR: They're dead. I'm sorry. Just stop it. Let me talk to him.
KATE: Take him out. Open fire! Take him out. Take him out!

(The bullets turn to red petals.)

SPICE GIRLS: ♪ (racist line deleted)..Timbuktu. Colour for both me and you. Kung Fu Fighting, Dancing Queen… ♪
KATE: Stay where you are! Get down!
SPICE GIRLS: ♪ Colours of the world! Spice up your life! Every boy and every girl, spice up your life! People of the world, spice up your life! Aaaaaaaah. Si, ja, hold tight! ♪

(The Toymaker disappears through the floor.)

DONNA: You okay?
MEL: I'm fine. I was lucky.
KATE: Doctor, who is he?
DOCTOR: The Toymaker.
SHIRLEY: How does he do that?
DOCTOR: The Vlinx, speed up those scans. I need those results. All of you, search the building. He's still here. Where's he gone?
IBRAHIM [OC]: Secure the perimeter!
SHIRLEY: But how does he do it?
DOCTOR: If I told you he manipulates atoms with the power of thought, would you believe it?
SHIRLEY: Is that what he does?
DOCTOR: No. You can't fight him, Shirley. There's nothing you can do.
DONNA: Listen. Oi, just…listen.

(It's a shop bell. The Toymaker is standing next to a door out on the helipad, dressed as a WW2 aviator. Flames and smoke are coming from a hole in the side of the Shard.)

KATE: Oh, my God. He's got the Galvanic Beam.

[UNIT helipad]

(The Doctor runs out, and the Toymaker swings the turrent round to him. Donna, Shirley and Mel with the box follow with soldiers.)

TOYMAKER: Achtung, achtung! Backen Sie. Oh, how I am liking this, the gun mit the laser und the bang und the boom.
DOCTOR: Go back inside! Get back, get back!
TOYMAKER: No, no, no, no, no. Every game is ge-needing an audience, ja.
DOCTOR: Get back inside!
TOYMAKER: Und I said nein!

(He shoots at the glass higher up the building. Shards fall.)

TOYMAKER: Now we can all have some fun.
KATE: Where are my staff? The beam had a pilot, and the armourer and the ground staff. Where are they?
TOYMAKER: I think they're still falling.

(Faint splat.)

DOCTOR: I don't understand why you're so small! You can turn bullets into flowers. Think of the good you could do. So tell me why you don't!
TOYMAKER: You know full well this is merely a face concealing a vastness that will never cease, because your good and your bad are nothing to me. All that exists is to win or to lose.
DOCTOR: And you know full well that I've had many faces, containing something far more. So come with me. Leave this tiny world. We can take your games back to the stars. We can play across the cosmos. We can be… Celestial.
TOYMAKER: The Time Lord and the Toymaker?
DOCTOR: Infinite games.

(The Toymaker turns to survey London. The soldiers sneak forward.)

TOYMAKER: And yet… I have fallen in love with humanity. This world is the ultimate playground. All of the sport, the matches, the medals, the gambling and the anger and the children shackled to their bedrooms with their joysticks and their buttons. You make games out of bricks falling upon other bricks. You are exceptional. And then there are the mind games. Oh, the dating and ghosting, the deceit and the control. You make me dizzy. I am in no hurry to leave this place.

(He turns the turrent back round.)

TOYMAKER: We can play Grandma's Footsteps. And Off-Ground Touch.

(Shoots at the soldiers' feet, making them retreat.)

DOCTOR: Ah! Stop, stop, stop, stop!
TOYMAKER: Shooting ducks. Who's next? The companion? The soldier? The scientist? The orphan?
DOCTOR: Your fight is with me! And you owe me one more ga…

(The Toymaker fires the Galvanic Beam through the Doctor's torso.)

TOYMAKER: I played the first game with one Doctor. I played the second game with this Doctor. Therefore, your own rules have decreed I play the third game with the next Doctor.

(The beam is turned off. Regeneration energy starts to appear.)

DONNA: He's not dying alone. You can do what you like to me. I'm going to be with him.
MEL: And so am I.
TOYMAKER: Handmaidens.

(They take a hand each.)

DONNA: It's okay.
DOCTOR: It's not dying.
DONNA: I know. But…
MEL: You're going to be someone else. It doesn't matter who, because every single one of you is fantastic.
DOCTOR: It's time. Here we go again. Allons-y!

(The energy fizzles out.)

DOCTOR: Erm…
DONNA: What… what's happening?
DOCTOR: Could you… pull?
DONNA: Could I… what?
DOCTOR: And you.
MEL: What do you mean?
DOCTOR: Pull! Just pull each way. I don't know. It feels different this time. Ow! Oh.

(And out pops the head and shoulders of the new Doctor, the Fifteenth.)

DOCTOR 14: What?
DONNA: What?
TOYMAKER: What?!
DOCTOR 15: No way.
DOCTOR 14: You're me.
DOCTOR 15: No, I'm me. I think I'm really, really me. Oh, ho-ho, I am completely me! Don't just stand there, push!
DOCTOR 14: What?
DOCTOR 15: Push.
DOCTOR 14: Does this work?
DOCTOR 15: I don't know.

(They separate completely. They have also shared clothes. 14 has the waistcoat, trousers and bare feet, 15 has the shirt, boxers and trainers.)

DOCTOR 15: Hello!
DOCTOR 14: Look at you!
DOCTOR 15: So good! Now, someone tell me what the hell is going on here.
KATE: Excuse me. Sorry, but…
SHIRLEY: How did that happen?
DOCTOR 15: Bi-generation. I have bi-generated! There's no such thing. Bi-generation is supposed to be a myth, but… look at me. Yeah, myth, myth, myth. Mel, what do you think?
MEL: I think you're beautiful.
DOCTOR 14: Still beautiful?
MEL: Yeah.
DONNA: Do you come in a range of colours?
BOTH: Yes.
TOYMAKER: If I can interrupt… Behold the game of the Time Lords. A dummy who dies and doubles and dies and doubles. I could play this for 100 years. I'll have vast meadows of Doctors dying over and over again, and I'll never get bored, because…
BOTH: I challenge you to a game.
TOYMAKER: There's two of you.
DOCTOR 14: I'm the Doctor.
DOCTOR 15: And I'm the Doctor.
DOCTOR 14: And according to the rules, you can't say no.
TOYMAKER: But that's cheating.
BOTH: How?
DOCTOR 14: It's your game, and you did this.
TOYMAKER: But…
DOCTOR 14: You doubled us.
TOYMAKER: I accept your challenge.
DOCTOR 14: Get back.
TOYMAKER: Moments like these are a joy, when someone thinks they can outwit the maker of the games. Do you think a grand total of two can cause me to shiver when I've played against the Guardians of Time and Space and shrank them into voodoo dolls? Name your challenge, Doctor.
DOCTOR 15: You said it. The first game ever.
DOCTOR 14: The ball.
TOYMAKER: Catch? Of course, before we begin, there is one thing to remember. It's a simple game, really, but I think…

(Throws the ball very fast.)

TOYMAKER: ..if you drop it, you lose.

(14 comes up with it.)

DOCTOR 14: Nice.

(The ball gets thrown around. 14 has to dive to catch it from 15.)

DOCTOR 14: Hey! I'm on your side!
DOCTOR 15: I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry!

(Lots of extreme throws and catches until 15 puts enough spin on the ball for it to glance off the Toymaker's fingers and keep going.)

TOYMAKER: But…
DOCTOR 14: We won!
DOCTOR 15: We did it. Fair game. You lost.
TOYMAKER: No, but I think you'll find…
DOCTOR 14: Best of three. And my prize, Toymaker, is to banish you from existence for ever.
TOYMAKER: No! But I'm… It's not…

(He starts to flatten and fold.)

TOYMAKER: You can't… But I…

(Mel brings out the box.)

TOYMAKER: Not fair. Please. My legions are coming. Argh!

(He folds up into a square and drops into the box, which slams shut. In 1925, Stooky Bill burns to a crisp as Baird and Charles watch.)

(On the big screen in operations, the giggle finishes on note 6.)

♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… ♪
KATE: Take it to the deepest vault and bind it in salt.
SOLDIER: Yes, ma'am.

(They remove the Zeedexes.)

KATE: Shirley, tell Geneva we're in full resus. Tell every base to follow Green Shoot protocols, full liaison. Rudi, I'll want the names of all those staff.
DOCTOR 15: Hey. We did it.
DOCTOR 14: But how many died down there?
DONNA: That's not your fault.
DOCTOR 15: You can't save everyone.
DOCTOR 14: Why not?

(The Fifteenth Doctor hugs the Fourteenth, and kisses him on the head)

DOCTOR 15: Come here. I've got you. Yeah? It's okay. I'm here.

(They walk back inside, leaving the helipad empty apart from one sentry by the entrance. We drop down to the gold tooth, and a hand with red nails picks it up as laughter echoes.)

[TARDIS]

DOCTOR 14: And that's the petrolink shatterfy compensator, moved from there to there. Hyperdynes. Er… fluid links, obviously. And, well, you know… things. But, er… how's it going to work? You and me. This is great, I think. Is it? But… How do we both…?
DOCTOR 15: One thing you need in this place is a chair.
DOCTOR 14: I'll be all right.
DOCTOR 15: No, you're thin as a pin, love. You're running on fumes.
DONNA: That's what I keep saying.
DOCTOR 14: I'm just… post-bi-generation.
DOCTOR 15: Ah! It's more than that. Our whole lifetime. That Doctor that first met the Toymaker never, ever stopped. Put on trial, exiled, Key to Time, all the devastation of Logopolis.
DOCTOR 14: Adric.
DOCTOR 15: Adric. River Song. All the people we lost. Sarah Jane has gone. Can you believe that for a second?
DOCTOR 14: I loved her.
DOCTOR 15: I loved her. And Rose. But the Time War, Pandorica, Mavic Chen. We fought the Gods of Ragnarok, and we didn't stop for a second… ..to say, what the hell?
DOCTOR 14: But you're fine.
DOCTOR 15: I'm fine because you fixed yourself. We're Time Lords. We're doing rehab out of order.
DONNA: He's saying you need to stop.
DOCTOR 14: I don't know how.
DONNA: Well, I can tell you. Cos you know what I did when you went flying off in your blue box, Spaceman? I stayed in one place, and I lived day after day after day.
DOCTOR 14: It would drive me mad.
DONNA: Yeah. It does. But you keep on going. And that's the adventure. The one adventure you've never had. Because I've… I've worked out what happened. You changed your face, and then you found me. Do you know why?
DOCTOR 14: No.
DONNA: To come home.
DOCTOR 14: Do you mean… he flies off? But I could never let the TARDIS go. Never. It would hurt.
DOCTOR 15: Yeah, but… bi-generation has never happened before. What if…? What if!

(He takes a 'test your strength' mallet out of a walkway.)

DOCTOR 15: What if the Toymaker's domain is still lingering? Just for a few seconds more, we're in a state of play. Oh! So maybe…

[Suite 17]

(Shirley and Mel are there.)

DOCTOR 15: Hey! Watch this, watch this. Watch, watch, watch, watch. Stand back. Stand back. Go on, that's it, Donna. Oh! Wish me luck.
DOCTOR 14: What for?
DOCTOR 15: We won the game. You get a prize, honey, and here is mine!

(He swings at the side of the TARDIS, and knocks a second one out of it.)

DOCTOR 14: Ta-da! (to the TARDIS) I am so sorry.
DONNA: That is completely nuts.

(Doctor 14 opens the doors and looks down.)

DOCTOR 14: Oh, look! Oh, that's not bad. Wheelchair accessible.
SHIRLEY: At last! You finally caught up with the 21st century!
DOCTOR 15: Yeah. Go on.

[TARDIS 2]

DOCTOR 14: Ooo, jukebox.

(Then he walks out and goes into the original TARDIS. The 15th Doctor enters.)

DOCTOR 15: Okay… Boom.

[Suite 17]

DOCTOR 14: Where is he? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

[TARDIS 2]

DOCTOR 14: You weren't going to leave without saying goodbye, were you?
DOCTOR 15: As if I would ever do that. Come here. Come here, come here, come here, come here. Look after him, you know? Now, you two, if you don't mind, there is a great big universe out there calling, and I've got to get going. So off you pop, old man.
DOCTOR 14: Oh. You're the old man. You're older than me.
DONNA: Actually, that is true. He's younger because you came after him. So you're the older Doctor.
DOCTOR 15: Okay, kid. I love you. Get out!

(Sets the Time Rotor moving.)

DONNA: I'm not doing that again!

(Donna leaves. The Doctors salute each other then 14 leaves.)

[Suite 17]

DOCTOR 14: Shirley, I don't suppose you've seen this before. I don't see it often myself. Stand by.
MEL: Where's he going?
DOCTOR 14: Everywhere.

(TARDIS 2 dematerialises.)

DOCTOR 14: Good luck.

[Donna's garden]

(Dining al fresco, under the pergola with wisteria in full bloom.)

SHAUN: Right. The cast-iron pot is the vegan. Ta-da! And the one with the flowers is the chicken.
DOCTOR 14: Ah ha.
SHAUN: I think.
SYLVIA: And this is cauliflower cheese, which doesn't really go with anything, but it was there.
DONNA: Anyway, shush, please, for the eyebrow story.
DOCTOR 14: Oh, yes. So… this species only communicated with their eyebrows. I thought, I can do that. So I'm stood there on this clifftop and I went… I mean you no harm. I come in peace. I am your friend.
MEL: Am I late? Sorry. The door was open. You don't mind?
SYLVIA: Oh, you're family, darling. Sit down.
DOCTOR 14: Did you drive?
MEL: No. I got a lift off a zingo.

(Cheers.)

DONNA: A zingo!
SYLVIA: Oh, how strange.
DOCTOR 14: So, she looked at me, the Warrior Queen of the Felooth, and she said, "Good. And now… you will marry me." I said, "What?!" And she pushed me off the cliff!
SYLVIA: But is it true, though? Is it really true?
DOCTOR 14: Mmm…
ROSE: We could always go in the TARDIS and find out.
SHAUN: Don't you dare.
DONNA: You are grounded until the Doctor feels better. Don't go sneaking off to Mars.
ROSE: Again.
DONNA: What does that mean?
DOCTOR 14: Oh, no. It was just once. Oh, you're in trouble.
MEL: He took me to New York last week. The Gilded Age. It was amazing.
DOCTOR 14: Well, yeah. Just can't turn down my favourite niece.
ROSE: Ah! Niece. I like that.
DOCTOR 14: Well, that's what you are. With my best friend, my brother-in-law, the evil stepmother…
SYLVIA: Oh, I have barely begun.
DOCTOR 14: ..and Mad Aunty Mel.
MEL: Mad Aunty Mel! (toasts) Mad Aunty Mel.
ALL: Mad Aunty Mel!
DOCTOR 14: And Grandad! Where is he?
SYLVIA: Oh, he's off shooting moles.

(Shotgun blast)

DONNA: Oh!
DOCTOR 14: Don't worry, I gave the moles a forcefield. I love the moles.
DONNA: You love the moles?
DOCTOR 14: I love them. But here we are, Grandad and all. Who'd have thought? I ended up with a family.
SHAUN: Oh, my God, I got it wrong. The vegan one is in the flowers.
ROSE: Urgh! What am I eating?
SYLVIA: Oh… Don't worry.
SHAUN: We'll just…
SYLVIA: Don't make a fuss.
SHAUN: ..give it to Grandad.
SYLVIA: Pass me your plate.
DONNA: You don't have to stay for ever.
DOCTOR 14: We'll see.
DONNA: Do you miss it? Out there?
DOCTOR 14: The funny thing is, I fought all those battles for all those years, and now I know what for. This. I've never been so happy in my life.

[TARDIS]

(The Doctor is fiddling with the TARDIS console.)

DOCTOR 15: Oh, that's better.

(Finally steps back from the console.)

DESTINATION: CHRISTMAS.

Transcript originally provided by Chrissie. Adapted by TARDIS.guide. The transcripts are for educational and entertainment purposes only. All other copyrights property of their respective holders.

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