The Giggle

“Kate Lethbridge-Stewart! I remember your father working night and day to keep UNIT secret, and look at you now, out and proud and defending the Earth.”

“I fought them all. Robots and insects and Yetis and clones. But what do we do this time, Doctor? How do we fight the human race?”

MEL: I used to be like you. I was one of his companions.

DONNA: I wasn't the first redhead?

MEL: No, that was me.

“The human race might be clever and bright and brilliant, it's also savage and venal and relentless. All the anger out there on the street - the lies, the righteousness - that's human, that's you. That's who you are. Using your intelligence to be stupid. Poisoning the world. And hating each other? You've never needed any help with that. But today, something else is using your worst attributes, playing with you like toys.”

MEL: I got a lift off a zingo and came back to Earth.

DOCTOR: What's a zingo?

MEL: It's a thing you get a lift off.

DONNA: Yeah, but you always say…

DOCTOR: Oh, what do I say? What do I say? What do I say?! Because I'm always so certain. I'm all sonic and TARDIS and Time Lord. Take that away… Take away the toys, what am I? What am I now? I don't know if I can save your life this time.

“Because my dad used to say, dice don't know what the dice did last time. Games don't have a memory. Every game starts from scratch.”

“Do you like my puppets, Doctor? Do you like my fun? All of them have played and lost, but here's my favourite one.”

“I came to this universe with such delight. And I played them all, Doctor. I toyed with supernovas, turned galaxies into spinning tops. I gambled with God and made him a jack-in-the-box. I made a jigsaw out of your history. Did you like it? The Master was dying and begged for his life with one final game, and when he lost, I sealed him for all eternity inside my gold tooth. There's only one player I didn't dare face. The One Who Waits.”

DOCTOR: Donna!

DONNA: I'm already running!

“You think life is a balance between order and chaos. But the universe is not binary. Far from it. There is order and chaos… and there is play.”

KATE: Where are my staff? The beam had a pilot, and the armourer and the ground staff. Where are they?

TOYMAKER: I think they're still falling.

DOCTOR: I don't understand why you're so small! You can turn bullets into flowers. Think of the good you could do. So tell me why you don't!

TOYMAKER: You know full well this is merely a face concealing a vastness that will never cease, because your good and your bad are nothing to me. All that exists is to win or to lose.

DOCTOR: And you know full well that I've had many faces, containing something far more. So come with me. Leave this tiny world. We can take your games back to the stars. We can play across the cosmos. We can be… Celestial.

“I have fallen in love with humanity. This world is the ultimate playground. All of the sport, the matches, the medals, the gambling and the anger and the children shackled to their bedrooms with their joysticks and their buttons. You make games out of bricks falling upon other bricks. You are exceptional. And then there are the mind games. Oh, the dating and ghosting, the deceit and the control. You make me dizzy. I am in no hurry to leave this place.”

“You're going to be someone else. It doesn't matter who, because every single one of you is fantastic.”

14th Doctor: You're me.

15th Doctor: No, I'm me. I think I'm really, really me. Oh, ho-ho, I am completely me! Don't just stand there, push!

“Now, someone tell me what the hell is going on here?”

“Come here. I've got you. Yeah? It's okay. I'm here.”

15th DOCTOR: Mel, what do you think?

MEL: I think you're beautiful.

14th DOCTOR: Still beautiful?

MEL: Yeah.

“Do you come in a range of colours?”

“Bi-generation. I have bi-generated! There's no such thing. Bi-generation is supposed to be a myth, but… look at me.”

15th DOCTOR: Ah! It's more than that. Our whole lifetime. That Doctor that first met the Toymaker never, ever stopped. Put on trial, exiled, Key to Time, all the devastation of Logopolis.

14th DOCTOR: Adric.

15th DOCTOR: Adric. River Song. All the people we lost. Sarah Jane has gone. Can you believe that for a second?

14th DOCTOR: I loved her.

15th DOCTOR: I loved her. And Rose. But the Time War, Pandorica, Mavic Chen. We fought the Gods of Ragnarok, and we didn't stop for a second… ..to say, what the hell?

14th DOCTOR: But you're fine.

15th DOCTOR: I'm fine because you fixed yourself. We're Time Lords. We're doing rehab out of order.

DONNA: But you keep on going. And that's the adventure. The one adventure you've never had. Because I've… I've worked out what happened. You changed your face, and then you found me. Do you know why?

14th DOCTOR: No.

DONNA: To come home.

“We won the game. You get a prize, honey, and here is mine!”

14th DOCTOR: Oh, look! Oh, that's not bad. Wheelchair accessible.

SHIRLEY: At last! You finally caught up with the 21st century!

15th DOCTOR: Look after him, you know? Now, you two, if you don't mind, there is a great big universe out there calling, and I've got to get going. So off you pop, old man.

14th DOCTOR: Oh. You're the old man. You're older than me.

DONNA: Actually, that is true. He's younger because you came after him. So you're the older Doctor.

15th DOCTOR: Okay, kid. I love you. Get out!

14th DOCTOR: Well, yeah. Just can't turn down my favourite niece.

ROSE: Ah! Niece. I like that.

14th DOCTOR: Well, that's what you are. With my best friend, my brother-in-law, the evil stepmother…

SYLVIA: Oh, I have barely begun.

14th DOCTOR: ..and Mad Aunty Mel.

MEL: Mad Aunty Mel! (toasts) Mad Aunty Mel.

14th DOCTOR: And Grandad! Where is he?

SYLVIA: Oh, he's off shooting moles.

DONNA: Oh!

14th DOCTOR: Don't worry, I gave the moles a forcefield. I love the moles.

DONNA: You love the moles?

14th DOCTOR: I love them.

“The funny thing is, I fought all those battles for all those years, and now I know what for. This. I've never been so happy in my life.”

“Well, that’s alright, then!”