The Devil’s Chord

[1925]

(A schoolboy's piano lesson is in progress.)

TIMOTHY: First, we have a note. Then we have a tune.

(Three Blind Mice.)

TIMOTHY: Then we have a melody.

(Moonlight Sonata.)

TIMOTHY: Beethoven wrote this when he first discovered he was going deaf. All that rage and fury, out of which, something beautiful. Am I boring you, Henry?
HENRY: It's just a bit stuffy. Can't you play something more exciting, sir?
TIMOTHY: There is one thing you might like. It's called The Devil's Chord.
HENRY: Tell me more, sir.
TIMOTHY: It was banned by the Church in mediaeval times, in case it allows the Devil to enter the room.

(Dissonant chord.)

TIMOTHY: Ha. Makes you shiver, doesn't it? Technically, it's known as a tritone, but put it in context and...

(Plays a melody, then when he gets to the tritone, the piano lid slams shut.)

TIMOTHY: Oh! Gosh! Oh, goodness me. What?

(There is knocking coming from inside the piano.)

TIMOTHY: Is someone playing a game?

(He gets up and lifts the lid to reveal...)

MAESTRO: Ta-da!

(Timothy drops the lid, but the Maestro is already seated at the keyboard, playing.)

TIMOTHY: Henry, get away from him.
MAESTRO: Them.
TIMOTHY: What?
MAESTRO: Me.
TIMOTHY: What?
MAESTRO: I'm them.
TIMOTHY: You're who?
MAESTRO: You're who? Nice to see you again, kiddo.
TIMOTHY: You know each other?
HENRY: That's my daddy.
TIMOTHY: Don't be ridiculous.
HENRY: You didn't look at my name, sir.
TIMOTHY: Of course I did. It's Henry... What was it? Henry... Henry Arbinger, that's it.

(Henry gives him the tuition register. Charlie Shelley, Stephen Fielding, Henry Arbinger, Robert Owens, David Hangley... then it changes his 11 o'clock to...)

MAESTRO: Harbinger! Think of him as my prelude. And now his song is sung.

(A wiggle of fingers, and the boy vanishes, his clothes dropping to the floor.)

TIMOTHY: Who are you?
MAESTRO: My notation is... Maestro.
TIMOTHY: But what are you?
MAESTRO: I... am... music. And you, Mister Timothy Drake, you're a genius.
TIMOTHY: Don't be ridiculous.
MAESTRO: You're the greatest composer who ever lived. Clever enough to find the lost chord. But it's so sad, Timothy. You never had the luck. You never got that break.
TIMOTHY: I did not. You're right. Nobody ever understood me.
MAESTRO: All those melodies stifled and strangled inside you. All those songs you never sang. They sit there still, wrapped around your heart. Still beating. Wrapped so tight. Would you like me to set them free?
TIMOTHY: I would love that. Yes. Yes!
MAESTRO: Music, Maestro, please!

(As the Maestro plays a very jolly tune, music literally comes out of Timothy's chest. It gets caught on the baton, and the Maestro eats it as Timothy lies dead on the floor.)

MAESTRO: Mmm. Ah. Hic!

(A single note escapes.)

MAESTRO: Now.

(Plays the theme music.)

[TARDIS]

(At the jukebox.)

RUBY: I want to see... the Beatles recording their very first album.
DOCTOR: Seriously.
RUBY: You asked. If I could go anywhere in Time and Space, that's where I'd go. Because my mum, she had a girlfriend, Clare. I loved Clare. And she was dead into vinyl. She had all the Beatles albums, so we used to play them every day after school. Ten years old, I was. We had Revolver, the White Album. So, yeah, if I could go anywhere, then that's where I'd go.
DOCTOR: That is amazing!
RUBY: Oh, right! Seriously?
DOCTOR: Oh! People always say the Titanic, or Mars, or Bethlehem. But the Beatles! Why have I never done that before? Come on! Oh. February 11th, 1963.
RUBY: No way. Really?
DOCTOR: Mmm hmm.
RUBY: Oh, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait. If we're in the '60s, what about my clothes?
DOCTOR: Good thinking.
RUBY: Go-go boots! Oh, my God. Eyeliner! Eyeliner! I want a beehive!
DOCTOR: I've got wigs galore!

(They exit the TARDIS to the song California Soul by Marlena Shaw)

[Abbey Road]

(The TARDIS has parked right by the zebra crossing, blocking part of the pavement.)

DOCTOR: 1963!
RUBY: Oh, no way! It's like the album cover! Oh, I am having the best time. Look at the cars.
DOCTOR: Oh, come on.

(They do the Lambeth Walk across the road.)

DOCTOR: Ho-ho! Abbey Road Studios. Not called Abbey Road yet. Right now, in '63, they are the EMI Recording Studios.
RUBY: Ha!

[Inside the building]

RUBY: And how do we get in? Won't they ask who we are?

(A tea trolley is being pushed around the corner.)

RUBY: Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh. Hi. Janet said we could take over, so you can have ten minutes off.
TEA TROLLEY LADY: Oh, right. Thank you. Very kind.
RUBY: Oh. Yep, there's always a Janet. And everyone wants a cuppa.
DOCTOR: Brilliant.

[Recording studio 2]

RUBY: Good morning. Cup of tea?
GEORGE MARTIN: Er, yeah. Make it a strong one, two sugars. Er... boys, do you want anything?
PAUL MCCARTNEY: I'm all right for now. Maybe something stronger later on. What do you think, John?
JOHN LENNON: Now you're talking, Paul, lad.
RINGO STARR: I just want a good night's sleep.
GEORGE HARRISON: You keep playing like that, we'll all have a good kip.
GEORGE MARTIN: All right, all right, let's take it from the top. I thought, the chorus, don't slide in the harmonies, just hit it.
JOHN LENNON: Whatever you say, boss.
PAUL MCCARTNEY: Hurry up, then, George. We're only getting paid seven quid a day.
RUBY: Er, good luck.
GEORGE MARTIN: Thanks, love. Roll to record. And a three, two, one.
PAUL MCCARTNEY: (sings) I've got a dog. He's called Fred. My dog is alive. He's not dead. I love my dog. He loves me too. I haven't got a cat. Only a dog.
ALL: (sings) My dog, my dog. My dog, my dog. I've got a dog. I love my dog. He's my dog. He's not your dog. If you want a dog, get your own.

[Recording studio 3]

DOCTOR: Hi. Don't mind us. Just... cup of tea.
STUDIO PRODUCER: Okay. Going from the second chorus, playing in the last four bars of the verse. Good luck, Cilla.
DOCTOR: Don't let me down, Cilla.
STUDIO PRODUCER: And a three, two, one...
CILLA BLACK: (singing) I love you, you love me. We are two, we are not three. Cos you love me and I love you, we're quite happy, I think, perhaps.
DOCTOR: Oh, Cilla.

[Recording studio 1]

(Full orchestra.)

DOCTOR: Don't mind us.
PRODUCER: And roll to record, please.

(A slow, nearly out of tune version on Three Blind Mice.)

[Canteen]

DOCTOR: Look at them. Everything's gone dull. No one hums, no one whistles. No one taps their feet.
RUBY: I don't get it, though. Music isn't... Like, you can't lose it or steal it or kill it. It's just natural. You get music when... the wind blows through the trees.
DOCTOR: That's called Aeolian tones. But music? Music is the highest form of thought. If you take that away...

(Daily Mirror headline - Russian Missile Crisis. Khruschev Threatens Finland.)

DOCTOR: Finland? That never happened. If music has gone, that means everything is changing. The whole human race is taking a different path.
RUBY: Okay, so what do we do?
DOCTOR: You take John Lennon, I'll take Paul McCartney. Find out what's happened and when it happened.
TEA LADY: Two cups of tea, my darlings. That's half a crown, ta very much.

(The Tea Lady is Susan Twist..)

DOCTOR: How much?
BOTH: That is outrageous.
TEA LADY: Take it or leave it, sweetheart.
DOCTOR: That is daylight robbery. Oh.
TEA LADY: That's me, Margaret Lockwood in The Wicked Lady. Now, there was a woman. Statuesque.
DOCTOR: Excuse me. Hold on, Paul. Er... could I just have a word? I've got a cup of tea for you. Mister Epstein sent me.

(Sitting at a table.)

DOCTOR: Okay. Er... you are writing the songs for the band, yeah?
PAUL MCCARTNEY: They're not very good, are they?
DOCTOR: Oh. Er... well, no. No.
PAUL MCCARTNEY: Great. That's great, lad. That's how it should be. It's not like the old days, when we had waltzes and fandangos and all that.
DOCTOR: But waltzes used to exist. When did they start becoming wrong?
PAUL MCCARTNEY: Dunno. Way back. '20s, '30s.
DOCTOR: Why? What happened?
PAUL MCCARTNEY: We started seeing sense. What we're doing here today is the last gasp. If I can make a bit of money out of cheap old rhymes, then I can settle down and get a proper job. It's embarrassing, singing. I just want to finish the album, get back to Liverpool and forget it.
RUBY: But you can't do that. We need you.
JOHN LENNON: What for? I'm no good at anything.
DOCTOR: But, Paul, see, when it's just you on your own, don't you think that there must be better songs? Songs that lift you? And devastate you? And make you soar? Songs that are tucked away somewhere in secret, in the back of your mind?
PAUL MCCARTNEY: How do you know that?
JOHN LENNON: I just want to go home. Forget this life. Just have my tea and go to bed with a woman of my own, you know. That's all I want. But then why do I wake up crying?
PAUL MCCARTNEY: It's like sometimes, late at night, I get this thought, like, it's so far away, but it's a note. A single note. And then a second, and a third and fourth and fifth. And you put them together and it feels like the most holy thing on this Earth. Like a G, then an E. Then a G maybe twice. Then C. And if you put words to it, words right from your heart... (sings) I love you so much...

(Everyone stares. The Doctor drops a teaspoon in slow motion. The Maestro is visible in reflective surfaces, including John's round glasses.)

JOHN LENNON: Don't waste my time.
PAUL MCCARTNEY: Do you know what you are, with your ideas, pal? Disgusting. You are disgusting!

(The two "Beatles" walk out.)

DOCTOR: What the hell was that?

[Old Granary]

(Hoisting an upright piano with a manual pulley and winch.)

DOCTOR: That's it, Vinnie. Nice and safe. I want that installed on the rooftop like it is precious china.
VINNIE: Easy, boys. Don't hit the wall.
DOCTOR: Right. Let's head on up.

[Staircase]

RUBY: Thing is, without music, dance must be gone. No one dances any more. I mean, can you dance without music?
DOCTOR: I mean, you can, but do you want to? And think about it, Ruby. Love songs. There are no more love songs any more.
RUBY: Oh, my God! There's no more love songs in the whole wide world.

[Rooftop]

DOCTOR: Ah! Whoo! Old London Town!
RUBY: Is that smog? I thought they got rid of that in the '50s.
DOCTOR: We had a really bad smog in December '62, but this... is more like a darkening. The world is darkening. I live over there.

(Tower Bridge and the dome of St Pauls are visible on the skyline.)

RUBY: You do what?
DOCTOR: I live over there.
RUBY: What do you mean?
DOCTOR: Shoreditch. I'm there right now.
RUBY: Okay, you're gonna have to start again.
DOCTOR: In the past, right now, I live in a place called Totter's Lane. 1963, I park the TARDIS in a junkyard and live there with my granddaughter, Susan.
RUBY: Oh!
DOCTOR: Okay?
RUBY: Your what?
DOCTOR: My granddaughter.
RUBY: Susan.
DOCTOR: We could go and have a look, but, you know, timelines. Kachoom!
RUBY: You've got children?
DOCTOR: I did have. I will have. Time Lords get a bit complicated.
RUBY: Yeah, but you've got granddaughter? Like, now? Like, today? Back in our time - my time... Ah! Where is she?
DOCTOR: I don't know.
RUBY: How do you not know?
DOCTOR: The Time Lords were murdered. The genocide rolled across Time and Space, like a great big cellular explosion. Maybe it killed her too.
RUBY: Doctor, God...
VINNIE: Here we go, Doc.
DOCTOR: Hey, Vinnie. Thank you very much. Come on. Bit of luck, I'll have you whistling by sundown.

(Hands him two pounds notes.)

VINNIE: Can't bear whistling, Doc. All those horrible tunes? No, thanks.
DOCTOR: All right. Oh ho! It's all yours, honey.
RUBY: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm... I'm not that good.
DOCTOR: Ah, you are, sweet. I've seen you. December '23, King's Arms. You opened with One More Sleep.
RUBY: I can't believe you were there.
DOCTOR: Ah, it all comes back to Christmas with you, doesn't it? I need you to play again.
RUBY: But what for?
DOCTOR: At this moment in time, Ruby Sunday, you are the only music in the world. Let's see what happens if you bring music back.
RUBY: Right, I'll just... No pressure. Okay. I wrote this for my friend Trudy when a girl broke her heart.
DOCTOR: Hmm.

(People in nearby flats open their windows to listen, and feel the emotion. Suddenly the piano is dragged away from her.)

GIRL: No!
MAN: Oh!

(They close their windows and hands push up the lid of the piano. A musical ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! is heard. They run.)

MAESTRO: You called?

[Staircase]

DOCTOR: That was the Giggle!

[Courtyard]

DOCTOR: Hide!
RUBY: Do what?
DOCTOR: We've got to hide!
RUBY: You never hide.
DOCTOR: I can't fight this thing.

(They go down into a cellar.)

MAESTRO: I heard music!

(They sound a tuning fork against their ring, then sing...)

MAESTRO: Where are you? Who was playing that piano? The chorus of ancient songs calls me, Maestro. And who are you? Because I heard music! And music... is mine!

(In the cellar, the Doctor works his sonic, and creates a bright light. The Maestro is moving their lips but not making a sound. Breaking glass is silent. They applaud briefly, then sounds their tuning fork and puts it into a pool of water. Ripples and droplets are created by the vibrations, and the sonic's effect is negated.)

MAESTRO: Sound and vision.

(In her flat, the old woman who heard Ruby playing opens up her own old upright piano and starts to play Clair De Lune by Debussy.)

MAESTRO: Music.

(The Maestro goes back to the roof, walks into the piano then pops out in the one in the flat, winks at us as they close the curtains and deals with the old woman.
The Doctor and Ruby come out of the cellar.)

RUBY: But who was that? Were they inside the piano? How can they be inside the piano? The piano wouldn't work.
DOCTOR: Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Okay.
RUBY: You're scaring me now.
DOCTOR: That thing must be part of the Pantheon. Oh, Ruby, there are vast powers beyond the universe. I told you, when we first met. I said, I said the Toymaker... And defeating him took everything. It ripped me in half.
RUBY: But you survived.
DOCTOR: It literally... it tore my soul in half. I can't survive that again. The Toymaker said... he said, he warned me, he said, "My legions are coming. My legions are coming." He said, "My legions are coming."
RUBY: But you made that silence with the sonic. That worked, didn't it?
DOCTOR: Yeah, one trick, once. That's all you get with the gods.
RUBY: Okay, so what do we do?
DOCTOR: I don't know. I don't know, Ruby. That is the point. I don't know.
RUBY: But you always know.
DOCTOR: I don't! The last time, I got lucky. Catch! One trick, once. But this thing is stealing music! I mean, how the... how the hell is...? I'm sorry, but the power of these creatures is so vast, the whole world could slide into the pit.
RUBY: Doctor? I know you're clever and all that, but I've got news for you. The world did not end in 1963.
DOCTOR: Right.
RUBY: No, but it didn't, okay? I'm living proof. I was born in 2004, and all my life I've had Beyonce and Sam Fender and Strictly and tap-dancing and raves. My mum sings Danny Boy at Christmas when she's drunk to my gran. Don't you see, Doctor? Music exists.
DOCTOR: Come with me.

[TARDIS]

DOCTOR: So when is it for you, back home? What time are you? June 2024?
RUBY: Er, it's hard to keep track, but, yeah, I think so. June, July?

(The Doctor operates the controls.)

RUBY: Have we done it? Are we back?
DOCTOR: 2024. I've brought you home.

[Outside the TARDIS]

(Ruby opens the TARDIS doors onto a grey, desolate, silent London.)

DOCTOR: This is what we're trying to stop.
RUBY: But this isn't real. This is... this is just like a parallel universe.
DOCTOR: This is your time. This is your home if Maestro isn't stopped.
RUBY: Where's my mum?
DOCTOR: I think without music, the human race goes sour. Without any way of expressing a broken heart, they go to war without even knowing why.
RUBY: Then how am I still alive? Why don't I fade away?
DOCTOR: Because of me.
MAESTRO: Boo!

(London disappears, it is just the TARDIS and a grand piano under spotlights. Maestro plays.)

DOCTOR: Maestro! The Doctor.
MAESTRO: That was you in '63, wasn't it, sweetcheeks? You stepped from one time to another, like...the Lord Temporal who trapped my father and bound him in salt, yes?
DOCTOR: Child of the Toymaker.
MAESTRO: C'est moi, mon cher. I should thank you, Doctor. Daddy was so bad to me. (singing) Daddy was so mean, Daddy was so tough. Daddy daddy'd me and that was quite enough.
DOCTOR: If he was a living game, you are the essence of music itself.
MAESTRO: Ah.
RUBY: But what's the point? You've destroyed the world. Music is gone. How is that a win?
MAESTRO: Not gone, darling! Hush! Ah. The sound of a nuclear winter. The purest music of all.
DOCTOR: Aeolian tones. Music without the need for people.
MAESTRO: And every song that goes unsung feeds me. I get stronger and stronger, until I can reach out and steal the music of the spheres. Then the universe will stop turning. It'll keen in a minor key. Aeolian tones across the whole of creation. And that lament will be my symphony supreme.
DOCTOR: With all of life extinguished?
MAESTRO: I'm going solo.
DOCTOR: How did you enter this world?
MAESTRO: Oh, that would be telling, babes.
DOCTOR: No babes! Your father established the rules of fair play. One thing that he would never do is cheat! So I have a right to know!
MAESTRO: A genius. A single silly man who found the lost chord.
DOCTOR: Which means a different combination of notes would banish you.
MAESTRO: I said, genius! And you might be bright, and hot, and... timey-wimey. But genius? Oh, honey, I don't think so.

(Maestro plays a sort of Doctor Who theme and the lights in the TARDIS flash.)

RUBY: What are you doing?
MAESTRO: Everything resonates, Doctor, dear. Every atom hums. And anything that plays a tune... is mine! Sing along, Doctor. Everybody!

[TARDIS]

RUBY: What is it? What's happening?
DOCTOR: Maestro! Controlling the TARDIS. But I say never. Never!

(The TARDIS tilts.)

DOCTOR: Ruby!
RUBY: Are we flying?
DOCTOR: Only just. The only thing I can do is take us back to 1963!

(Sparks fly, the TARDIS goes dark.)

RUBY: Where's Maestro?
DOCTOR: Composing. And the next tune might be deadly. (to the TARDIS) I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Don't hate me. Okay, come on. Come on. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on! Okay.

[Abbey Road]

(The TARDIS makes an unhappy noise.)

DOCTOR: Strange.
RUBY: Did you break it?
DOCTOR: No. No, no, no, no. That's something else. Hadi ama!
RUBY: Right.

[Recording studio 2]

DOCTOR: Okay, if we can record the right tune on the sonic, we can use this as a weapon.
RUBY: Right.
DOCTOR: Yeah. No, no, no, no.
RUBY: Oh, oh, okay.

(The Doctor goes into the booth where the Beatles have left their instruments.)

DOCTOR: We need to find the Notes of Banishment! Ah, John Lennon's guitar. That's got to be a good start.
RUBY: Okay. But don't you need to be a genius? No... no offence. Just a musical genius.
DOCTOR: Sometimes genius is just hard work. Yeah? If I can find the right notes...
RUBY: Wait a minute.
DOCTOR: There are 66 billion trillion different tunes out there, but...
RUBY: No, but just wait. Can you hear that? That music?

(Written music wraps itself around Ruby's legs and drags her away.)

RUBY: Doctor!
DOCTOR: I thought that was non-diegetic.
RUBY: Doctor! No... no!

(But the doors have locked. Ruby is being dragged down the corridor.)

RUBY: Doctor! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Doctor!

(And into Studio 1. He breaks the glass between the booth and the recording deck, grabs the sonic and runs.)

[Recording studio 1]

(Ruby is suspended in midair.)

DOCTOR: Put... her... down!
MAESTRO: Never!

(The pitch makes the sonic explode.)

MAESTRO: Can't trick me twice, honey.
DOCTOR: Then fight me! Ha? Leave her alone!
MAESTRO: But she's the only human left with music in her heart! Playing lovesick songs for heartbroken lesbians. And that just makes me hungry for all those delicious songs.
RUBY: Let me go!
MAESTRO: That's right, pretty girl. Sing!
DOCTOR: Maestro. Maestro, I am asking you, just... What?

(Ruby is singing wordlessly.)

MAESTRO: That's wrong.
DOCTOR: What do you mean?
MAESTRO: There's a hidden song deep inside her soul! What is it?

(The tuning fork sounds and the Carol Of The Bells begins.)

MAESTRO: What?
DOCTOR: Ruby.
MAESTRO: What is this?
DOCTOR: Christmas. The music that was playing the night that she was born.
MAESTRO: How can a song have so much power? And power like him?
DOCTOR: Like who?
MAESTRO: The Oldest One. On the night of her birth. He can't have been there. What for? What for? What for?
DOCTOR: Who was there?
MAESTRO: Enough. (The tuning fork is tossed onto the floor. The carol stops and Ruby twirls downwards as the music unwinds around her.)
DOCTOR: Whoa! Okay?
RUBY: Yeah.
DOCTOR: I've got you.
RUBY: Okay, okay.
DOCTOR: I've got you.
RUBY: Okay. What was it? What happened?
DOCTOR: It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. All right. It's okay.
MAESTRO: This creature is very wrong.

(The Doctor goes to an old upright piano.)

DOCTOR: And this, this... is very, very, very right. Do you know what this is? This is the famous Abbey Road piano. They call it the Mrs Mills piano. Oh, ho! Oh, she was a girl. We had some adventures, me and Mrs Mills. Ha! But this, this is the piano that the Beatles will play on their greatest hits. Penny Lane, Lady Madonna, all from this. So I know that this piano is rattling with all the potential to send you back to hell.

(He starts with a classic Ragtime melody.)

MAESTRO: Music battle.

(Starting with Maestro on violin, Doctor on piano, they go classical, folk, jaunty, then Maestro starts copying the Doctor's flourishes - duelling banjos style. Ruby joins the Doctor at the keyboard and they all keep going until the violin strings snap.)

MAESTRO: Argh!

(The Doctor plays one note, repeatedly.)

MAESTRO: Go on, then. Do it. Can you find it? The lost chord? Are you enough of a genius?
DOCTOR: Oh, I would never call myself that, Maestro. But I have lived. And I have loved. And I can only smile like this because I have lost so much. I've experienced everything, every single thing, and if that's where music comes from...

(He changes note, and the Maestro wibbles.)

DOCTOR: ..I can find the chord to banish you.

(The Doctor's notes are like glass or water, unlike the Maestro's solid black ones. The Maestro ends up groaning on the floor.)

DOCTOR: One more. Just one more. One... more.
MAESTRO: Bum note! Maestro!

(Using music like a whip, the piano goes gliding across the floor, out of the door and down the corridor.)

MAESTRO: Song time.

(Sounds reveille on a bugle. The music grabs the Doctor's foot.)

DOCTOR: Ruby, get the piano!

(The Maestro sends harp music to stop her.)

MAESTRO: Sorry to keep harping on!

(In the corridor, someone sees the piano with the Doctor's clear notes hanging above it.)

RUBY: No, no, no, no, no!

(Ruby gets pulled into a double bass.)

DOCTOR: No, no, no, no, no!

(The Doctor gets pulled inside a timpani.)

JOHN [OC]: I just want to go home.
RUBY [OC]: Well, you can't do that. We need you!
JOHN [OC]: What for? I'm no good at any...

(Yes, it is John Lennon, in the corridor, with the piano.)

(Danse Macabre is thundering in Studio 1.)

RUBY: I can't breathe!

PAUL [OC]: And then a second. And a third and fourth and fifth. And you put them together and it feels like the most holy thing on this Earth.

(Lennon and McCartney smile at each other and play the chord. The clear notes glow.)

MAESTRO: (at glass-breaking pitch) No! No!

(The piano goes back into the studio and knocks the Maestro down. Ruby and the Doctor are freed. Maestro is then dragged into the piano.)

MAESTRO: The One who Waits... is almost here!

(Lid slams shut.)

[Rooftop]

DOCTOR: Listen. Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. Here it comes. Everywhere! Ha, ha! Music!

(We see the billboard on the roof is advertising Chris Waites and the Carollers, the sensational new record available on SLC collection 45s and LPs.
Church bells are pealing. The dark sky is clearing. A tenor is belting out Figaro! An orchestra strikes up with Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue.)

RUBY: They're making music! The whole city. The whole world?
DOCTOR: Yes! Yes, yes. But there is one thing that I should warn you about, Ruby, and this is really very serious. With all of my adventures throughout Time and Space, I have to tell you there is always a twist at the end.

[Recording studio 1]

(Dancers are doing the Twist as the Doctor sings.)

DOCTOR: There's always a twist. There's always a twist. There's always a twist at the end. There's always a twist. There's always a twist. There's always a twist at the end. My friend, depend. Press send, let's bend, 'cos there is always... Hey! There's always. Yes, there's always a twist at the end. Hey! Hey, hey!

[Canteen]

(On the tables.)

DOCTOR: We got the bop and the rock and the lindy hop. We got the jive, beehive, and the Stayin' Alive. We got conga and the salsa and the mighty Big Bopper. The waltz and the schmaltz and no penalties for faults!

[Recording studio 1]

CHORUS: There's always a twist. There's always a twist. There's always a twist at the end. There's always a twist. There's always a twist. There's always a twist at the end.
RUBY: Pretend, descend Land's End, make do and mend. 'Cos there's always..
CHORUS: There's always... Yes, there's always a twist at the end! Hey!

[Recording studio 2]

BEATLES: There's always a twist at the end. Ah-ah-ah. There's always a twist at the end. Ah-ah-ah. We ain't no fools from Liverpool, 'cos there's always a twist at the end.

[Recording studio 3]

RUBY + CILLA: I always said that it ends with a twist. That's one good thing that can't be missed. Have a smashin' little dance cos we know what's best, 'cos we're the smart girls from the northwest!

[Corridor]

(The Doctor and Ruby do the Twist with Shirley Ballas and Johannes Radebe.)

CHORUS: Sing along if you've got a twist. Sing along if you kiss the mist. There's a special little dance you'll run the risk. There's always, always, always a twist.

(The dancers do a tap routine as it rains in the corridor and the chorus la-la-la.)

CHORUS: There's always a twist at the end. I said there's always a twist at the end. What you intend, I can't defend. I think this song will never end. Cos there's always, always, always a twist at the end!

(Little Henry Arbinger looks on bemused, then goes back behind a door and closes it.)

[Abbey Road]

(The singers and dancers stream out down the studio steps. The Doctor and Ruby have acquired umbrellas, because as they get to the zebra crossing it was raining when they were filming. As they step onto the black and white stripes, a piano plays. They eventually enter the TARDIS. And that's that.)

Transcript originally provided by Chrissie. Adapted by TARDIS.guide. The transcripts are for educational and entertainment purposes only. All other copyrights property of their respective holders.

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