The Church on Ruby Road

[Outside the church]

(Snowing. The church has a square tower with a spire on top. A figure places a baby outside the vestry door, the priest comes out and takes it in as the figure walks away.)

DOCTOR [OC]: Once upon a time, late on Christmas Eve, a stranger came to the church on Ruby Road. She carried in her arms the most precious gift of all. A newborn child. A baby girl. Just before midnight, she left her daughter on the steps of the church. The child was taken in, and they named her Ruby, after the place where she was found. As for the mother, she was never seen again. No one ever knew her name, until that night a time traveller came to call. A traveller known as the Doctor.

[Bar - December 1, 2023]

(Filming an interview.)

RUBY: And that's how I got my name. Ruby. Named after Ruby Road. That's where I was found, almost... 19 years ago.
DAVINA: So you were a foundling? And you were fostered by Carla, who then went on to adopt you. Is that right?
RUBY: Yeah. And she's amazing. I mean, she's nuts, but... she's... the best mum I could ever have. Yeah.
DAVINA: So life's been good, would you say?
RUBY: Yeah. Not bad. I mean, we've had a mad time with it, haven't we? And my A-levels were not the best, cos we had to leave Manchester to move down here, cos we came and looked after my gran and we couldn't afford care and she would never move to the north, not in a million years. So, yeah, that's been tricky and expensive.
DAVINA: No one would move to London.
RUBY: I know! So that's left me a bit stranded. Er, I think I'm just still waiting for my life to begin.

(Noise in background.)

SOUND ENGINEER: Sorry. Can we stop? Is there a radio or something? Is there a door open? I'm getting a noise.
FLOOR MANAGER: What sort of noise?
SOUND ENGINEER: It sounds like voices, like a whisper.
DAVINA: It won't be long. You don't mind me using the word foundling, do you? It's just some people think it's a bit old-fashioned, and...
RUBY: Oh, no, no, no. No, no, that's fine. I mean, it's what I am. I was found. I was foundled.
DAVINA: I love that.
RUBY: Yeah. Foundled.
SOUND ENGINEER: Seems to have gone. Sorry about that. Sound speed.
DAVINA: Okay, so let's pick it up. So, Ruby, the reason why we make this show is to see if we can help you. In the old days, foundlings were left without a trace, but now we really can work magic with DNA. So we've taken your sample, and we're going to use it to help track your genetic heritage. And we're hoping to be able to trace your birth mother, or birth father or someone in your family. But, Ruby, we can't work miracles. And even if we do make contact, they might not want to be found, and we have to respect that.

(A little green hand reaches for a take-away coffee cup and moves it to the other end of the equipment case, whilst giggling. Another pulls a plug out of a socket. A lead is pulled tight.)

DAVINA: Can I ask you something?
RUBY: Yeah.
DAVINA: If... if we did find someone, what are you hoping for?
RUBY: Just the truth.

(The drinker of the coffee moves to get her cup, pushing against the stretched lead that pulls down one of the studio lights, which then pulls down another.)

DAVINA: Look out!

(Crash!)

DAVINA: Oh my God, are you okay?
RUBY: I'm fine, I'm fine. It missed. I'm okay. It missed. I'm fine.
ASSISTANT: That was lucky.

(Another plug under strain flies out of its socket and hits Davina on the back of the head.)

DAVINA: Ow!

[Bar - December 23, 2023]

('Winter Wonderland' being sung on the small stage, with Ruby on the keyboard. The Doctor is watching. Small hands are playing with plugs again. The music stops.)

TRUDY: Ooo. Sorry, everyone, sorry. What's happened?
RUBY: I don't know. I think it's just dead.
OLDER WOMAN: Give it some welly!
TRUDY: All right, I said sorry. okay?
OLDER WOMAN: Can you do Gaudete?
TRUDY: Can we do what?

[Club - December 23, 2023]

(Patrons dancing to Touch by Hybrid Minds featuring Tiffani Juno. Including the Doctor in a kilt, enjoying himself. Ruby watches, and a little hand moves her drink. She reaches for where she left it, and knocks it off the table, but the Doctor is suddenly there and catches it.)

DOCTOR: Careful.
RUBY: Thank you. But... you were just over there.
DOCTOR: Health and safety. Gin and tonic division. Can I ask, does that happen to you a lot? Knocking things over?
RUBY: Oh, all the time. But I'm just clumsy.
DOCTOR: No. No, you're not. It's worse than that. Merry Christmas.

(Ruby watches him leave, and drops her glass because the table has gone.)

RUBY: Oh!

[Street]

(An enormous snowman is fastened to the corner of a building, and a strong wind is blowing.)

TRUDY: Honestly, Rubes, it's like you've got a curse.
RUBY: I know. And then I lose that 20 quid. Honestly, it's like for the past three weeks, bad luck has just been following me around. I lose that job, I broke that thing, I broke my heel, then I fell over in front of that fit dentist.

(A taxi pulls up and the four women get in.)

TRUDY: No!

[Taxi]

GIRL: You're jinxed, Ruby.
TRUDY: And just to make it worse, Bobby McGeever asked you out.
RUBY: Innit? I am telling you, there's a whirlwind of bad luck, and who's in the centre of it? Me.
TRUDY: Oh, babe.

(Ruby can't get her seatbelt to work. The Doctor watches them drive off. The traffic light goes red as little hands unshackle the giant snowman's tethers. He sees it start to lean and sonics the lights to green as he approaches.)

TRUDY: Well, yeah, you had to. What are you going to do?

[Street]

(A woman pushing a pram steps out onto the road under the snowman.)

DOCTOR: Get back! Move! Go, go, go, go, go!

(The snowman's head lands on the Doctor.)

WOMAN: You all right?
DOCTOR: A pram? At midnight. Really?
WOMAN: It's my shopping.
POLICEMAN: Oh, my God. Sir, are you all right? Are you... are you okay?
DOCTOR: I'm fine.
POLICEMAN: I'm sorry. Report... I'm going to have to report this.
DOCTOR: Okay. Name - the Doctor. Occupation - not a doctor. Current status - just passing by. Employer - myself. Address - that blue box over there. Now, if you don't mind, I just got snowmanned, and I would like to go home.
POLICEMAN: Er... Doctor what would that be?
DOCTOR: Just the Doctor.

(The Doctor goes into the TARDIS then looks out.)

DOCTOR: She's going to say yes.
POLICEMAN: Who is?
DOCTOR: Your girlfriend - when you ask her to marry you on Christmas Day.
POLICEMAN: How do you know that?
DOCTOR: Cos my sonic screwdriver just went ping.
POLICEMAN: That's a screwdriver?

(Because it is more of a delta shape to fit in the palm comfortably. Nothing like the 'traditional' screwdriver of previous Doctors.)

DOCTOR: Which is sonic. And that precise ping is detecting a two-carat diamond in your pocket, which says engagement ring. And I'm guessing that she's a she cos 91 percent of men wouldn't choose a diamond. Plus Christmas Day. It's obvious.
POLICEMAN: But how do you know she'll say yes?
DOCTOR: Cos the sales start on Tuesday and you just couldn't wait. And that's why she loves you. Merry Christmas.

(The TARDIS dematerialises.)

POLICEMAN: She says yes. She says yes!

[December 24, 2023]

(The number 94 bus to Notting Hill Gate pulls up at a stop as Shakin' Stevens sings 'Merry Christmas Everyone'. Ruby gets off and walks to her home. On the street, neighbours are bickering.)

ABDUL: It's not my fault.
FLOOD: Listen, sweetheart, I'm not what you'd call decrepit. I do my callisthenics, I keep myself fit and able, thank you very much. I did a fun run last Easter in 25 minutes flat. Blisters the size of apples, and I kept going. But all the same, how am I supposed to get round that great big thing of a morning?

(The TARDIS has inconveniently parked herself right in the middle of the pavement, between the garden fences and the parked cars.)

RUBY: I hope you don't mean me.
FLOOD: Oh, merry Christmas, Rubes. Have you seen what he's done, putting that there?
ABDUL: Well, what makes you think it was me?
FLOOD: Because you've never liked me. I've seen you... looking. Isn't it your birthday, love?
RUBY: Oh, it is. Yeah. I was a Christmas Eve baby.
FLOOD: Aww.
RUBY: So, what is that thing?
FLOOD: Police box. I haven't seen one on the streets of London for 50 years, and don't want to see one now.

(A little hand rips at the bottle of Ruby's paper shopping bag as she goes up the steps to the front door.)

RUBY: Well, season of goodwill and all that. Hey, try not to kill each other.

(The bottom falls out of the bag and the groceries crash onto the concrete.)

RUBY: Oh!

[Ruby's home]

(Strictly speaking it is Cherry's flat. The attic floor of the building, accessed by a door from the top landing of the stairs into a long corridor with kitchen one end, another room at the other, and I dare assume bedrooms and utilities off. The eaves create a slope to the ceiling on the outside edge of the rooms. The action keeps moving around.)

RUBY: Hiya, Mum. I got most of it, except I dropped the eggs, which is a really big problem, because the shops close for all of one day.
CARLA: Guess what. We're having a baby!
RUBY: No way! You kidding?
CARLA: Little girl.
RUBY: Seriously?
CARLA: Isn't it brilliant? All of a rush. I couldn't say no.
RUBY: What...? Hold on. You mean now?
CARLA: Today. Christmas Eve.
RUBY: That's amazing. How old?
CARLA: Newborn.
RUBY: No. That's a coincidence.
CARLA: That's what I said.
RUBY: Wait. So... Oh, my God, are we... are we even ready? What did they say? What happened? We're having a baby.

(Goes in to see Carla's bed-bound mother.)

CHERRY: That's Christmas ruined. Sleepless nights and stinky nappies. Ruby, baby, make me a cup of tea.
RUBY: Okay. Hold on. Two ticks. So what did they say?
CARLA: She's coming round with the baby right now. She's on her way. It's been years since we fostered one this young. I can't remember how to put this thing together.

(A cot.)

RUBY: Hey, funny, though. A baby on Christmas Eve. Just like me.
CARLA: I got lucky, all those years ago. If you ever find her, your other mother, I'm going to tell her... you were so small.
RUBY: Hey, come here. Come here. I got lucky with my name. I bet this one's all Christmassy, like Noele, or Eve.
CARLA: Or Holly.
RUBY: Or Carol.

(Later. The social worker is here with the baby)

RUTH: She's called Lulubelle.
RUBY: Oh...
CARLA: What a terrible name.
RUBY: Oh, an absolutely terrible name.
RUTH: Isn't it awful? That's for the safe box. Happy birthday. Carla said. What a day! Oh, and I raided the provisions, but the cupboard was bare. So, it's a section 20. We'd have kept little Lulubelle on the ward, but we haven't got the staff.
CARLA: What happened to the mum?
RUTH: Just can't cope. And the family is too complicated for words. But I'm hopeful. I think she'll be with you five or six days? Till we can see what's what. Oh, you've been painting.
CARLA: Making the place our own. Cos we're never going to move her.
CHERRY: I am not going anywhere. Shackle me to this bed. And where is my cup of tea?
RUTH: Merry Christmas, Cherry. We should really get you a ground-floor flat.
CHERRY: Not moving.
CARLA: Hey there, Lulubelle. You're in with me. It's a terrible name.
RUTH: We're all off until the 27th, but maybe, as a rough plan, you could bring her to the hospital on Thursday 28th, maybe ten o'clock. I'll text you. It's just for a meeting with Mum. Start bonding.
RUBY: Yeah, we might have to go shopping first. These nappies are for six-month-old.
RUTH: Oh, I'm an idiot.
CARLA: Shops are still open. Hold on. I like to take a snap.

(An Polaroid camera.)

RUTH: Can you still get film for those?
CARLA: You wait long enough, they're fashionable again. Smile!

(And the instant photo gets added to the gallery in the kitchen.)

CARLA: There you go. Welcome to the family, Lulu. Lulu sounds nice.
RUBY: Okay, I won't be long, and I can get some more eggs. Anything else?
CARLA: I'll go. And I'll walk to Portobello Road and have a proper shop.
RUBY: I can do it.
CARLA: No, but then I can get something for Lulu. Christmas and birthday.
RUBY: You soft thing. She might only be with us for a couple of days.
CARLA: I'm leaving you in charge. Rule number one. Don't lose the baby.
RUBY: I'll try my best.
CARLA: I'm off, Mum. I'll just be an hour.
CHERRY: Where is my blasted tea?
CARLA: You let the last one go cold.
RUTH: How much are these flats underneath you? What do they go for?
CARLA: We're the last little pocket of fixed rent up here. That's why Mum won't move.

(They leave, the phone rings.)

RUBY: Oh, shush, don't wake the baby. Hello?
DAVINA [OC]: Is that Ruby? It's Davina. Davina McCall.
RUBY: Oh, my God. Hi. Merry Christmas. It's nice to hear from you.
DAVINA [OC]: Look, it's not great timing, and it's not good news, I'm afraid. I'm... I'm so sorry. I know it's your birthday, but there is no trace of your mum or dad. I'm sorry. It happens sometimes.
RUBY: No, that's fine. Thanks, but...can you keep looking?
DAVINA [OC]: No. There's nothing more we can do. If your parents aren't on some kind of a database, we can't find them.
RUBY: Okay. Isn't that unusual, though? There's not a single trace anywhere? I mean, in the whole wide world, my mother's never left a blood sample or anything?
DAVINA [OC]: I'm sorry.
RUBY: Okay. Sorry, I get it. I'm sorry. And it's really very kind of you to let me know yourself.
DAVINA [OC]: Look, there is something else I'd like to ask you. Ruby, have you been having any bad luck recently?
RUBY: What do you mean?

(Davina is in a wheelchair, with an arm in a sling and foot in a cast.)

DAVINA [OC]: Bad luck. Ever since that day, it's never stopped. I've been hit, I've been thrown, I've been bumped. I fell off a boat on dry land. I've been in accidents, collisions. I've even been trampled by a moose! And I can't help thinking it all comes back to when I met you.
RUBY: I... suppose the funny thing is that I have been having bad luck recently, but I just keep dropping things.

[Nursing home]

(That is an assumption based solely on the figure in a sort of nurses uniform in the background.)

DAVINA: I knew it!
RUBY [OC]: But they're all accidents.
DAVINA: How do we stop them? I'm begging you. Tell me how I can make it stop. I'm terrified. Sooner or later, there's going to be an accident I can't avoid. And next time it might be...

(The massive Christmas tree in the foyer falls onto her, star aiming right at her head. Davina screams.)

[Ruby's home]

RUBY: Davina? Hmm.

(The baby monitor in the kitchen picks up a non-baby voice laughing.)

GOBLIN [OC]: Happy birthday.

(Ruby runs to Lulu's cot. It is empty.)

RUBY: Oh...

(She finds the instamatic camera under the cot. It has developed a photograph of a creature with a snub nose, big black eyes and sharp teeth. She sees the end of a blanket disappear through the skylight, so she gets the stepladder and follows.)

[Rooftop]

(A Moses basket is dangling on a wire from something in the sky. Goblins have Lulu.)

RUBY: What the hell...? What are you? Oh. Did you just hiss at me? Was that a hiss? Because let me tell you, I'm not... Oh, my God. I'm on the roof.

(Lulu is put in the basket, and a rope ladder is lowered for the goblins.)

RUBY: No, no, no, no, no. Give me back my baby!

(She gets on the ladder.)

DOCTOR [OC]: Don't... Don't do that!

(As Ruby is carried away, the Doctor is running along the the roof ridge, hurdling chimney stacks.)

DOCTOR: What the hell are you doing?!
RUBY: I'm... just... There's...
DOCTOR: But what did you do that for? Who sees a ladder and just pops on? A ladder in the sky and you thought, "Yeah, I'll give that a go, babes"?
RUBY: They've got the baby!

(The Doctor reaches the end of the terrace and jumps onto the ladder himself.)

[Ladder]

DOCTOR: What's your name?
RUBY: Ruby. Ruby Sunday.
DOCTOR: Hello, Ruby Sunday. And it's a Sunday right now. That's a coincidence. I'm the Doctor. Hi.
RUBY: I met you before.
DOCTOR: Yup.
RUBY: There are creatures.
DOCTOR: Goblins.
RUBY: Goblins.
DOCTOR: They're goblins.
RUBY: Okay. I can't hold on.
DOCTOR: Oh, right, right, right. Wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Cos I spend a lot of time hanging off things, I er... I invented these.
RUBY: Gloves?
DOCTOR: Intelligent gloves. One each. Should work. Put it on. Cos I thought to myself, "What's the problem with hanging on?" It's all the friction and the weight and the burn, so I got rid of that. The glove's a kind of super-kinetic transfer of mass. Ah, that's better. The glove takes all my weight. All the weight is in the glove. So nothing burns. Nothing pulls. Nothing hurts. Ta-da!
RUBY: I'm lightweight.
DOCTOR: Yeah, all the mass and density and mavity exists in the glove, not in you.

(Still in the version of the universe where it isn't called gravity any more, then!)

RUBY: Super-gloves.
DOCTOR: Yeah. They're pulling us in.
RUBY: But where? What's up there?
DOCTOR: Goblins. Do you know why they call them goblins? Cos they like to gobble you up. And this lot want to gobble up the baby. And this... is where they feast. The goblin ship.

(Up above the ridiculously low clouds, a ramshackle galleon-style sailing ship with wings.)

RUBY: That's impossible.
DOCTOR: It's beautiful.
RUBY: And... what will they do to us?
DOCTOR: Oh. Oh, they'll eat us too.

[Goblin ship]

DOCTOR: Hiya.

(A little later, still below decks and tied to a mast, back to back.)

RUBY: I can't believe this. I can't believe a single thing that's happening, and... it's my birthday.
DOCTOR: It's your what now?
RUBY: Oh, never mind me. They're going to eat Lulubelle. What time's dinner?
DOCTOR: No, but it's Lulubelle's birthday... That is such a brilliant name. I wish I was called Lulubelle. And is your birthday on the same day?
RUBY: Yeah, but it doesn't mean anything. It's just a coincidence.
DOCTOR: Learn the language. That's why they went after Lulubelle. Coincidence is what makes the baby tasty. That's how these goblins work. Chance and coincidence and luck. That's how I spotted you. You've been having lots of bad luck, yes?
RUBY: Well... yes, but that-that-that started way back. I mean, Lulu arrived today. I started having accidents weeks ago.
DOCTOR: That was paving the way. These goblins are Time riders. They can surf the waves of Time. They spotted the chance of coincidence, and they went back and they wove you in.
RUBY: Wait. So they caused my accidents? Were they trying to kill me?
DOCTOR: No. No, it's more like er... If you walk through a day without any bad luck, that's fine, that day is nothing. But if you have lots of accidents, it stitches you in. It weaves you into the day. You become all complicated and knotted and vivid. All of it leading up to a baby on Christmas Eve. The same birthday as yours, with a bedroom that is high up in the sky. All the more convenient for a goblin ship. Ha! Oh, it's like a tapestry. It's gorgeous!
RUBY: How do you know all of this?
DOCTOR: I don't. This is a brand new science for me, and I love it. The language of luck. Cos what is a coincidence but a form of accident? Two things bumping together unexpectedly. Like you and me.
RUBY: No, but who are you? Why are you an expert in time-travelling goblins and...
DOCTOR: Oh! Pssh! They are not time travellers. Excuse me. Time travellers are great. Like the best. Like, wow. This lot just bimble.
RUBY: So if they're bimbling, why did they pick on Davina McCall?
DOCTOR: Oh, that was just fun.

(The Doctor has freed himself.)

RUBY: Wait, how did you do that?
DOCTOR: I spent a long, hot summer with Harry Houdini. Now then...

(The Doctor unties Ruby.)

DOCTOR: Right. Let me see. Door.
RUBY: Hurry up. They're going to eat the baby.

(He tries the sonic screwdriver.)

DOCTOR: Wrong world.
RUBY: Why? What is that thing?
DOCTOR: Sonic screwdriver. But a screwdriver needs screws. This lot bind everything with knots. Ah...
RUBY: Okay, we've got to get out, because they could be eating the baby any second now.
DOCTOR: What time were you born?
RUBY: I don't know. They kind of just guessed. Two o'clock? 2pm?
DOCTOR: Right... So.. Language, tapestry, coincidence. That must be the time for the feast. What... what time is it now?
RUBY: Five to two.
DOCTOR: We're circling back to your flat. The pattern is closing. We'd better hurry up.

(Ruby kicks at the hatch to the main area.)

RUBY: Yes! Well, if you gave me a hand!
DOCTOR: I am learning the vocabulary of rope! This stuff is their version of wires and electricity, so if we... trip the right switch...

(He pulls at a string, and the door opens.)

RUBY: What, you can speak rope? You know, we can't exactly sneak around. We're like giants in this place.
DOCTOR: Oh, I think that even a leaky old goblin ship has the equivalent of...

(Drops a trapdoor.)

DOCTOR: ..ventilation shafts.

(Into the crawlway. A gong sounds.)

DOCTOR: I think that's the dinner gong. What's the time?
RUBY: Three minutes to. Is that a band? Wait!

(They look down on the basket being hauled along a conveyor belt.)

RUBY: Lulubelle!

[Main area]

JANIS GOBLIN: (singing) We've got a baby, we can feast. We can dine three days at least. Baby blood and baby bones. Baby butter for the baby scones.
DOUBLE BASS: That's "sconns".
JANIS GOBLIN: Little baby feets, little baby toes...
DOCTOR: Amazing.
RUBY: No, it's not! What do we do?
DOCTOR: Er, okay.
JANIS GOBLIN: Baby's had such very bad luck. Now into baby we will tuck! Eat the baby, add some salt.
RUBY: They're seasoning her.
JANIS GOBLIN: Bay leaves, barley, powdered malt. Now baby's salted, she's a treat. Her destiny it's time to meet. Baby we need. Baby we feed. Eat with our teeth. Better than beef. Baby so soft, carried aloft, Big brown eyes...
DOCTOR: Oh, no.
JANIS GOBLIN: Caramelise!
RUBY: What?
DOCTOR: I wonder whose ship this is?
JANIS GOBLIN: He's the goblin king. Yes, the goblin king. He's not a myth, he's an actual thing. Here's the king. Here's the king. Here's the king. Here's the king goblin!

(First cousin of Jabba the Hutt.)

RUBY: Oh... my... God.
JANIS GOBLIN: We love the king. We sing ding-a-ling. And we love his chin when it's wobbling. He likes to dine on coincidence...
RUBY: Leave her alone! Leave her alone!
JANIS GOBLIN: It fills him, builds him up, and hence he can eat! He can eat! 500 puppies with golden fur. Orphan boys with jet-black hair. Circus clowns with a red balloon.
GOBLIN: He can eat me. He makes me swoon.
JANIS GOBLIN: A banquet for our king on high. Oh little baby, Oh little baby... say goodbye!

(The Doctor and Ruby fall onto the conveyor belt.)

DOCTOR: Ha.

(The Doctor passes the basket back to Ruby.)

DOCTOR: Tough crowd. Curtsey. I'm the Doctor and this is my friend Ruby Sunday. And I would just like to say... why stop singing? Rock it, Janis!

(The music restarts, the Doctor and Ruby dance.)

DOCTOR: (singing) Cos the goblin king, oh the goblin king, it's so good to meet you, you great big thing. I can see you're having a fun day. Meet my friend, she's Ruby Sunday.

(The Doctor is still unravelling knots.)

RUBY: (singing) It's good to meet you, good to greet you. Good to say "How diddly-deet you." It's my birthday, my, oh, my. I'm 50 miles up in the sky. But goblins, you can go to hell, cos you're not eating Lulubelle.
DOCTOR: Me and Rubes, we got just one hope, if I have understood that rope. Cos stuck up there when things got hot, I think I found the master knot. The master knot has been undone. That's when we start having fun!

(He grabs a rope with his intelligent glove, and Ruby holds onto him with Lulubelle's basket on her arm.)

DOCTOR: Hold on tight.
RUBY: Wait, what are you...?
DOCTOR: If you reverse intelligent gloves, you get heavy.

(They fall out of the goblin ship.)

RUBY: How do we stop?
DOCTOR: Love the glove, Ruby. Love the glove.

[Roof]

(The Doctor lets go of the rope.)

DOCTOR: Well.
RUBY: Wow.

[Ruby's home]

RUBY: I'm back! Hey. Sorry, I got distracted.
CHERRY: I've given up on that cuppa and opted for a life of abstinence. And who is this young fellow when he's at home?
DOCTOR: Hi, I'm the Doctor.
CHERRY: The last time I saw a doctor, he tried to murder me, so you stay away.
DOCTOR: Oh. Oh, you don't need me. You got your family looking after you.
CHERRY: We three queens of the sky up here in the attic.
DOCTOR: Oh. And your name is Cherry?
CHERRY: It is.
DOCTOR: Hmm. Cherry Sunday.
CHERRY: Like a tasty treat.
DOCTOR: Yes. I'll see you later, Cherry, okay?

(Lulu is back in her cot.)

DOCTOR: Glove.
RUBY: Oh, yeah.
DOCTOR: Only three percent left.
RUBY: So, are we safe now? I mean, can that ship come sailing down? What do we do? Can they get us?
DOCTOR: No, no, no, no. I don't think they'd invade. Their world is up there and they creep into ours, on the edges.

(He catches his foot on the standard lamp lead, and it starts to fall. He catches it.)

DOCTOR: Whoa!
RUBY: Shh, shh! Shh.
DOCTOR: Accidents. That is how they get us.
RUBY: Do they cause all accidents?
DOCTOR: Maybe they do. Oh! Is there anything in the kitchen? Anything burning?
RUBY: I... Doctor...

(They run down the corridor to the kitchen.)

DOCTOR: Move it!
RUBY: Doctor, what do we do?!
DOCTOR: Oh! Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-ahh. Deathtrap! Check everything. The... the wiring and the plugs.

(He spots the photos on the fridge.)

DOCTOR: Who are they?
RUBY: Oh. That's the family. It's Mum's children.
DOCTOR: Ah...
RUBY: It's all the kids that she's fostered over the years.
DOCTOR: Wow. There's so many.
RUBY: I know. She still keeps in touch with some of them.
DOCTOR: Huh.
RUBY: Lots of them. She's amazing.
DOCTOR: You have got the biggest family in the world.
RUBY: I have. What about you?
DOCTOR: Er, I've got no one. Make sure the oven is off, yeah?
RUBY: You know, if you'd told me I'd be spending my birthday fighting magic...
DOCTOR: It's not magic. It's a language. It's a different form of physics.
RUBY: Yes. Like magic. Don't leave the baby alone.
DOCTOR: Oh. She's all right. She's all right.
RUBY: Don't leave her.
DOCTOR: Er, you did too.
RUBY: I know. But don't.
CARLA: Here comes Santa, laden with presents. Who's your friend?
RUBY: This is... the... Doctor.
DOCTOR: Hello.
CARLA: There's nothing wrong, is there? Is she all right? The baby?
DOCTOR: Yeah.
RUBY: No, she's fine.

(Carla goes to Cherry's room.)

CARLA [OC]: Everything all right?
RUBY: What did you do that for?
CARLA: Wha gwan?
CHERRY: Can't get a cup of tea round here for love nor money.

(The Doctor and Ruby are whisper arguing and I can't make any of it out.)

CARLA: Me get you a packet of humbugs. Like Scrooge. 'Tis the season.
RUBY: ..I've been looking after...
CARLA: So why do we need a doctor?
DOCTOR: It's just a routine visit, that's all.
CARLA: Oh. Oh, let me see. Poor little blossom.
RUBY: This is my mum, Carla.
CARLA: Oh, look at her. Little chicken. Hello, Lulubelle. So she's been okay?
DOCTOR: Hmmm.
RUBY: Mmm hmm. Hmmm.

(Carla finds the photo of the goblin.)

CARLA: What's this? What's that supposed to be? Is that an eye?
RUBY: No.
DOCTOR: It's a toy. It's the eye of a toy.
CARLA: She's too young for toys. Where'd you get a toy from, anyway?
RUBY: Oh my God. Mum, can we just...? Can we just stop for a minute? Because I... I've had enough. This has been the worst day ever, and it is Christmas, and it's my birthday, and it's just been a disaster.
DOCTOR: No, but there... Look, there was a problem, but it's gone now. No point worrying your mum.
RUBY: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just er... What I mean is... they phoned. From the TV show. When you were out this morning. But they didn't find anything. Just... No mum. No dad. No brothers or sisters. No cousins. Just... just... nothing.
CARLA: Oh, sweetheart. I'm sorry, darling. Come here.
RUBY: No, I'm all right.
CARLA: Come here. I'm glad they didn't find her. Do you hear me? Glad. Cos I don't know if I could make room. Cos you're all mine. That's what you are. Isn't she gorgeous?
DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, she is.
CARLA: I was counting when I was out. Lulubelle is the 33rd child I've fostered.
RUBY: Oh, my God.
CARLA: I've got photos. Have a look on the fridge. They're all there. I had some of them for days, some for weeks, some for years. But only one of them stayed. And you made my life. You absolutely made my life. You can wonder about your parents, but I wonder who I'd be without you.
DOCTOR: I'm adopted.
RUBY: Are you?
DOCTOR: Yeah, yeah. I, er... I only found out recently.
CARLA: That's a coincidence.
RUBY: Oh, don't be saying that!
CARLA: So do you know who your parents are?
DOCTOR: No, no, I was... I was abandoned.
CARLA: Oh, you were a foundling, just like Ruby. Even bigger coincidence.

(Big crash of thunder.)

RUBY: Oh, maybe we'd better not talk about coincidence, okay?
DOCTOR: Do you want to just put that down? I'll take that for you. All right.
CARLA: I took a photo of little Lady Lu when she arrived. Look at her, though. She's so gorgeous. Don't you just want to eat her up?
DOCTOR: Oh, and that's a coincidence.

(The decorations at the window fall and break. A crack runs across the ceiling.)

CARLA: What the hell?
DOCTOR: Hold on. Don't move, don't move. Don't move.
RUBY: Mum, don't move.

(The crack runs all along the corridor and the kitchen window is open.)

DOCTOR: They're gone. Parting gift. Lucky at last. I think that was them saying goodbye. Cherry, all good?
CHERRY: One cup of tea, massi Lawd. Just one.
DOCTOR: Thank you, Cherry. Thank you. All good, Lulubelle? Oh, such a good name.
CARLA: But what the hell was that? Look at the ceiling! And the window! I'm going to freeze. Who's going to fix that on Christmas Eve?
DOCTOR: Bye, bye. Ta-ra.
CARLA: Who are you talking to?
DOCTOR: No one. Nothing. Just er...

(The goblin photo is blank.)

DOCTOR: Ah. Absolutely nothing. Yeah.
CARLA: But the whole flat just cracked in half. Now tell me, what the hell just happened?
DOCTOR: Maybe we should sit you down and tell you a Christmas story, huh? What do you think, Ruby? Ruby? Where did she go?

(Out of the flat to search the stairwell.)

DOCTOR: Ruby! Ruby, are you there?

(And back into the flat. The crack in the ceiling has gone, and Carla is in different clothes, the flat has changed decor)

DOCTOR: Sorry. Sorry, but... where's she gone?
CARLA: What are you on about?
DOCTOR: I'm looking for your daughter.
CARLA: Don't be daft. Lulu's not my daughter. I'm fostering her just for a couple of days.
DOCTOR: No, no, no, no, I mean... I mean your daughter Ruby.
CARLA: Who's Ruby?
DOCTOR: Your daughter.
CARLA: I told you, this is Lulu. And she's a right old pain on Christmas Eve. Last thing I need.
DOCTOR: But...
CARLA: What do you want in the spare room?
DOCTOR: Cherry... Do you remember Ruby?

(Cherry is curled up in bed, unhappy.)

CHERRY: What you talkin' about?
DOCTOR: Your granddaughter is called Ruby.
CHERRY: There is no pickney in this home. We were never so blessed.
DOCTOR: You had another child named Ruby.
CARLA: I've never had children, mate.
DOCTOR: No. You adopted her.
CARLA: I foster. Now don't be so stupid. I'm a foster mother. Just do it now and then, that's all. I've had about five or six kids.
DOCTOR: No, no, no, no. You had... They've gone.
CARLA: Who has?
DOCTOR: Your children. All those lives. You fostered 33.
CARLA: How many? Not me, darling. Don't be so stupid. That's too much like hard work. No way. I just put my name on the list when I need a bit of money.
DOCTOR: No, you don't.
CARLA: Eight hundred quid per child.
DOCTOR: Don't say that.
CARLA: I think you got me mixed up with someone else. Cos there is no Ruby. There's just me stuck with my old mum up here in the attic. And I'm busy. I couldn't have a kid full-time. It'd be a nightmare. This little brat arrives, ruining my holiday. I was looking forward to it. Christmas Day, Mum's asleep by three, and I'll be all on my own. Why would I want a daughter when I'm happy as I am?
DOCTOR: Then why are you crying?
CARLA: I don't know. Why are you?
DOCTOR: They took the baby. They went back. They took the baby. The other baby. They went back in time and took Ruby instead of Lulubelle. They cracked the timeline, but I will fix this. I will fix this.

(Out in the street, Mrs Flood drops her shopping as the TARDIS dematerialises in front of her.)

[Outside the church]

(The TARDIS materialises. Carol Of The Bells is the background music. The baby has been deposited in the snow, the figure is walking away and the clock is about to chime midnight. The Doctor runs to see a small figure carrying the crying baby up the church tower. He runs in through the vestry door to the top of the tower and grabs the last rung of the rope ladder.
Up in the goblin ship, they are preparing to eat, and singing.)

GOBLINS: Oh, now we feast! Oh, eat the beast! Oh, now we feast! Oh, eat the beast! Oh, now we feast! Oh, eat the beast! Oh, now we feast! Oh, eat the beast!

(The Doctor powers up his intelligent gloves - still on heavy - and starts pulling.)

GOBLINS: Oh, now we feast! Oh, eat the beast! Oh, now we feast! Oh, eat the beast!
DOCTOR: Down! Down!
GOBLINS: Oh, now we feast! Oh, eat the beast! Oh, now we feast...
DOCTOR: No! No!

(The conveyor belt with the baby nears the Goblin King's maw.
The rope ladder breaks and the Doctor jumps off the church tower with the lowest rung to get a gravity/mavity assist. The combination pulls the ship down onto the spire, which goes straight through the King. The ship starts to fall apart then vanishes. The bough has broken, the baby is falling... into the Doctor's arms.)

DOCTOR: Oh. Ruby. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. Ah ha. It's okay. Happy birthday, Ruby.

(And puts her down in the snow by the vestry door, then runs as the clock chimes. By the TARDIS, he watches the priest come out and pick the baby up, then turns to see the woman walking away. He goes into the TARDIS and it dematerialises.)

[Ruby's home]

(The TARDIS has parked just round the corner this time. Mrs Flood waves as the Doctor goes up to next door and sonics it open, then up the stairs to the flat and sonics his way in there too. The crack is back in the ceiling.)

DOCTOR: Oh, yes. Oh, there you are!
RUBY: What? Where did you go...?
DOCTOR: Oh! Happy birthday.
RUBY: What happened? I turned around and you were gone. You were sort of... I don't know, cos I was here, but I got a bit lost. But what... what happened?
DOCTOR: Oh, lots of things. Cos they went back. You were gone. They took you as a baby. So I went back, and then... I forgot something. Yes! Just...

(The Doctor runs back outside, and Mrs Flood smiles as she watches the TARDIS dematerialise.)

[Nursing home]

DAVINA: And next time it might be... Ah!

(The Doctor catches the falling Christmas tree before it hits her.)

DOCTOR: Ta-da!
DAVINA: You saved my life.
DOCTOR: Merry Christmas, Davina McCall.

[Street]

(Mrs Flood whistles to the Doctor.)

FLOOD: Busy man, sweetheart. You and your box of tricks. You look like you've lost a pound and found a sixpence. What's wrong?
DOCTOR: Just wondering. Maybe I'm the bad luck.

[Ruby's home]

(Cherry is handed a fresh mug of tea.)

CHERRY: Hallelujah! Praise the Lord. I thought this day would never come. Me tea reach at last.
CARLA: And don't forget. Two yellow pills at five o'clock. But you're the least of my problems. What do we do tonight? This crack - it's like a wind tunnel. What are we supposed to do on Christmas Day? Sit here and freeze? And who is he anyway, that man? What's his name? Doctor what?
RUBY: What did he mean, he went back?
CARLA: What sort of doctor? Did he say? Who the hell is he?

[Street]

DOCTOR: I'd better go. Merry Christmas.
FLOOD: Who are you, anyway?
DOCTOR: No one. Just passing by.
FLOOD: Well, you take care.

[Ruby's home]

CARLA: Where did he come from? Why was he even here in the first place?
RUBY: I don't know. He sort of popped up at the right moment. And then he was gone. Like...how? It's all been so mad, I haven't actually had time to stop and think. He said I was taken as a baby. Isn't that what he said just now?
CARLA: I don't know. He's crazy.
RUBY: He went back. He said he went back. What did he mean, he went back? When was Houdini?
CARLA: What?
RUBY: When was Houdini? Houdini was, like, 1900s, 1920? How could he...? And then he spoke about time travellers and then he...
CARLA: Where are you going now?

[Street]

RUBY: Where is he? Where is he? Mrs Flood, did you see? There was a man. Er... he was about so high, and amazing, in a big leather coat?

(Mrs Flood nods.)

RUBY: What do you mean?

(Mrs Flood nods towards the Police Box on the corner. The door opens. Ruby walks over, looks back, Mrs Flood nods encouragingly. Ruby goes inside, comes out, walks all around.)

RUBY: Oh...
FLOOD: Good luck, Ruby.

(Good luck Cherry, Carla and Lulu abandoned in that cold draughty flat over Christmas, more like.)

[TARDIS]

RUBY: Who are you?
DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor.

[Street]

(Part way through the credits, the TARDIS dematerialises.)

ABDUL: Mrs Flood, did you see that? Mrs Flood, did you see? The box thing, it just vanished. It was there and then it wasn't. It just disappeared.
FLOOD: Oh, Merry Christmas, Abdul. Stop making such a fuss. (to camera) Never seen a TARDIS before? (wink)

Transcript originally provided by Chrissie. Adapted by TARDIS.guide. The transcripts are for educational and entertainment purposes only. All other copyrights property of their respective holders.

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