[Room]

(A man is sat on a chair. A scan identifies him as Zanthus Pia.)

ZANTHUS: Who are you? What do you want? I am Zanthus Pia, Head of the Galactic Peace Commission! And I order you to leave immediately! Assassinating me will gain you nothing. Others will replace me. Then others. (The scan identifies him as a xenomorphic threat that must be destroyed.) We will have peace in our galaxy!

[The laboratory]

(The previous scene has been playing on a screen whilst Gryffen is working on K9.)

GRYFFEN: K9, you’re going to have to work with me just a little harder if we’re going to retrieve your memories.
K9: I’m working with you as hard as I can. This fragment from just before I transported here is all the memory I have.
STARKEY: Professor, you can’t get blood out of a stone.
K9: Incorrect. The rocks of Mebulax IV may be successfully squeezed for blood, mucus, saliva…
STARKEY: Okay, I stand corrected.
K9: … snot, phlegm, vomit…
STARKEY: We get the picture.
GRYFFEN: He can retrieve hard data but not memories.
STARKEY: It’ll probably just come back to him in his own time. Maybe I should take him for a walk to get his mind off it.
GRYFFEN: Are you suggesting that walkies may have a stimulating effect on artificial intelligence?
STARKEY: Well, there’s one way to find out.

[Street]

(Starkey and K9 are walking near a Ferris wheel. Starkey answers his phone.)

STARKEY: Gryffen.

[Upstairs room]

(Gryffen is sat in front of a screen.)

GRYFFEN: It’s just like being there except, thank goodness, I don’t have to be. How much it’s all changed.

[Street]

STARKEY: Well, I guess that’s what happens when you haven’t been outside in ten years.

[Upstairs room]

GRYFFEN: There used to be a café there. They served the best baked bean sandwiches in London.

[Street]

K9: Prognosis: gas. What is the purpose of that device?
STARKEY: You hop on, then you go round and round.
K9: And?
STARKEY: That’s it. It’s fun.
K9: Fun and pointless have the same meaning. Uh oh.

(K9 detects that the speed of the Ferris wheel is increasing dangerously.)

MOTHER: My kids! They’re stuck on that thing! It won’t stop!
K9: Department vehicles converging.
STARKEY: They’ve found me.

[Upstairs room]

GRYFFEN: Three camos.

[Street]

(CCPCs march towards the Ferris wheel.)

STARKEY: Save yourself, K9.
K9: Order declined.

[Upstairs room]

GRYFFEN: Get out of there.

(The electricity starts failing.)

[The main hall]

(Stood on the balcony, Gryffen watches Ahab arrive through the Space-Time Manipulator.)

GRYFFEN: Thomson’s plum pudding.

[Street]

CCPC: Move along. There’s nothing to see here.
MOTHER: Those are my children!
CCPC: We’ll be the judge of that, missus.
DRAKE: This is a dissident attack. There is a bomb connected to the speed clutch in the control centre. If we try to stop or even slow the wheel… (He mimics the sound of an explosion.)
K9: I have to help them.
STARKEY: K9, the place is viral with CCPCs.
K9: It’s a compulsion. I am programmed to assist humans in distress.
STARKEY: Well, if you don’t control it, I’ll have to sit on you.
K9: Why are humans such apes?

(Drake beckons a probe to follow him.)

DRAKE: Yeah, the light’s better over here, I think.
STARKEY: Where did that come from so fast?

[The main hall]

(Gryffen is now on the ground floor with Ahab.)

GRYFFEN: Remarkable. Full corporeal transfer of life with no discernible…

(Ahab grabs him by the neck.)

AHAB: Stay where I can see you!
GRYFFEN: How did you control the portal?
AHAB: I didn’t, and I’ll be asking the questions here.
GRYFFEN. Absolutely. But how did you control the…? (Ahab tightens his grip.) Where are my manners? You’ve had a long journey. (He removes Ahab’s hand.) Tea?

[The laboratory]

(Gryffen walks in, followed by Ahab, and gets out a teapot.)

GRYFFEN: Darjeeling?

[Street]

DRAKE: Be assured, this dissident threat will be tracked down and eliminated by your government’s app
ropriate authorities. Stay within sight of a CCTV surveillance point and report any suspicions. STARKEY: It’s a publicity stunt. “Rogue dissidents plant bomb, Department saves day, all hail the Department”.
K9: Unlikely.
STARKEY: Why? I mean, the place was surrounded by cameras before a bomb had even been found.
K9: They were contacted by an informant.
STARKEY: And the news camera just turning up?
K9: It’s news. Turning up at news is what they do.
STARKEY: Well, if it’s such big news and such a big threat, how come the Departmentoids haven’t done anything yet? They’re waiting for more cameras to get here.
K9: Conclusion logical. Unlike Departmentoids, this unit is not interested in cameras. I have to help them.
STARKEY: No, wait. I’ve got a plan.

[The laboratory]

(Ahab opens the teapot and sniffs, then looks around.)

GRYFFEN: That’s from India, that. I’m sorry to seem so inquisitive, but, see… I’ve never been able to control spacetime from this end. I suspect what I need is a stable portal on the other end, like you must have.
AHAB: I followed someone here.
GRYFFEN: Followed? Who?
AHAB: The cybernetic device known as K9.
GRYFFEN: Really?

[Street]

DRAKE: The Department is always watching over you. Here at Ground Zero…

(Starkey walks up to the mother.)

STARKEY: Why don’t they do anything? That man there, Inspector Drake. He’s in charge. He could do something.
MOTHER: Inspector Drake? Inspector Drake?! Why don’t you help my children?!

(The crowd start shouting at Drake. Starkey sneaks away to the Ferris wheel’s control room with K9.)

[Control room]

(A bomb is sat on a table next to the Ferris wheel controls.)

STARKEY: K9, there is a bomb.
K9: So it seems.
STARKEY: Shh! Keep it down.
K9: I could disable ridiculously large amusement device without detonating explosive. Commencing link.
STARKEY: Are you sure? Because I’ve kind of developed this habit of, you know, staying in one piece.
K9: Your habit is safe. According to my sensors, it is a non-explosive bomb.
STARKEY: Non-explosive?
K9: A mixture of flour, oil, salt and potassium bitartrate.
STARKEY: Plasticene? I guess even the Department wouldn’t risk a real bomb on a publicity stunt.
K9: Assessment logical.

(K9 uses his gun to solder the controls.)

[Street]

MOTHER: It’s slowing down!
DRAKE: What? (The Ferris wheel stops. The mother is reunited with her son and daughter and kisses them both. Starkey and K9 walk out of the control room with the bomb and the crowd cheer for them.) What on Earth? Is that a machine?
CCPC: ‘Ere, we want a word with you.
STARKEY: Have a word with this.

(He throws the bomb into the CCPCs hand and runs away. K9 follows.)

CCPC: They’re escaping the scene, gov.
DRAKE: Then let’s arrest them in front of all these cameras for apparently saving those people’s lives, shall we?

[The laboratory]

GRYFFEN: Cybernetics? Hey, fascinating. You know, I once considered a career in cybernetics, but…
AHAB: Enough! I will waste no more time waiting. Where is the device known as K9?
GRYFFEN: No idea. I mean, where you’d even find the parts and services for a device like that around here, I…
AHAB: Can you truly be as non-evolved as you appear? Apparently so.
GRYFFEN: You know, perhaps if you told me why you’re so eager to find this, uh, K9.
AHAB: I am Ahab. I be the most renowned bounty hunter in this galaxy.
GRYFFEN: Bounty hunter?
AHAB: I am here to bring the K9 device to stand trial before Galactic Council.
GRYFFEN: To stand trial? What for?
AHAB: Murder. (He reads and hands a document to Gryffen.) The cyborg known as K9 be wanted in the year 50,000 for the wilful and unlawful disintegration of Zanthus Pia, President of Galactic Peace Assembly.
GRYFFEN: Sorry to disappoint you, but you’ve got the wrong millennium. There’s no K9 here.
VOICE ANALYSER: Subject is lying.

(Ahab is holding a small device.)

AHAB: My voice analyser says you are lying, not that I need it.
GRYFFEN: Okay, then. Let me put it this way. I’m not telling you where he is. (Ahab grabs his face.) No matter what you do to me.
VOICE ANALYSER: Subject telling truth.
DRAKE: (On television.) When these unknown individuals interfered, these persons and their mechanical dog actually put lives at risk.
AHAB: Mechanical dog?
DRAKE: (On television.) We will be doing all we can to apprehend these dangerous individuals. Nobody can hide from the Department.
AHAB: How do I find this Department?
GRYFFEN: Just put your alien mush in front of a CCTV camera and they’ll find you.

(Ahab pushes Gryffen away and leaves.)

[Outside the mansion]

(Ahab spots a CCTV camera and walks up to it.)

AHAB: Inspector Drake. We need to talk.

[The main hall]

(Starkey, Jorjie, Darius and K9 are on the ground floor. Gryffen is on the balcony.)

JORJIE: Murder?
STARKEY: That’s ridiculous. K9 couldn’t harm anybody. His programming forbids it.
GRYFFEN: Well, according to this he disintegrated this Zanthus Pia with extreme prejudice.
JORJIE: Is there any other way to disintegrate someone?
K9: I have no memory of such an event.
DARIUS: So, even if he did do it, you can’t haul someone in for something they can’t remember.
K9: Amnesia is not a defence in a court of law. Statement embarrassingly faulty.
DARIUS: Hey, I’m looking for a way to dig you out of this, photon breath.
K9: Quantum increasingly intelligent logic required.

(Gryffen comes downstairs.)

JORJIE: K9’s not even the same dog anymore. The old one blew himself up. Sacrificed himself. This is a new K9.
GRYFFEN: Well, not really. It’s a new body but the brain is the same, which kind of makes him the same dog.
STARKEY: So, they’re after him for something he’s going to do in the future.
DARIUS: And this Zanthus character hasn’t even been zapped yet.
GRYFFEN: Don’t you love temporal conundrums?

(He goes to the laboratory. The others follow.)

[The laboratory]

STARKEY: I’m sure they’re great, professor, but this bounty hunter sounds more like an “arrest now, conundrum later” kind of guy.
JORJIE: K9 has to hide.
GRYFFEN: I agree, but I don’t think it’ll be easy. I get the impression there weren’t too many bounties this Ahab hadn’t hunted down.
DARIUS: Then I guess we’re going to need someone who knows where to hide.
K9: Who would that be?

[Department vehicle]

(Drake is watching the news broadcast. June switches it off.)

JUNE: Honestly, inspector. I thought the whole reason for this charade was to make us look good.
DRAKE: My plan was perfect. The only thing I didn’t take into account was the incompetence of your section.
JUNE: My section?
DRAKE: You are responsible for monitoring alien activity. That cybernetic dog is clearly of alien origin, yet you obviously know nothing about it.
JUNE: I know its name is K9, I know it arrived via a spacetime portal and I know Professor Gryffen is currently examining it.
DRAKE: You were aware of the presence of a dangerous alien, yet you failed to alert my section.
JUNE: I failed to alert your security section because K9’s not dangerous. On the contrary, his technology could be of great value to us.
DRAKE: I agree, but the sooner my department can apprehend it and dismantle it, the sooner we’ll learn its secrets.
JUNE: Except that your section has no jurisdiction since K9 poses no security threat.
DRAKE: Really? You believe that?
JUNE: Yes, I do.

(There is a beeping sound. There is a silhouette behind a screen.)

DRAKE: Sir?
LOMAX: I will decide whose jurisdiction K9 comes under but, for the meantime, both keep doing what you’re doing.
JUNE: So, you agree? K9 is under my control.
DRAKE: I agree to keep doing what I’m doing.

[Sewer]

(Darius leads Starkey, Jorjie and K9 through the sewers. Darius and Jorjie are carrying glowing orbs and Starkey is carrying a torch.)

JORJIE: A drain? It takes someone who really knows where to hide to come up with this.
DARIUS: It’s not a drain. It’s a sewer.
JORJIE: A sewer?
DARIUS: Yeah, and it takes someone who really knows where to hide to come up with this.

(Darius pulls a lever. The lights come on in the next room to reveal a makeshift camp.)

[Storage facility]

STARKEY: What’s this?
DARIUS: Storage facility.
JORJIE: I suppose all of this fell off the back of a truck.
DARIUS: Well, not all of it. All this stuff fell out the back of a van. But, no satellite cameras, no guards. Perfect place to hide anything, don’t you think?
JORJIE: If you don’t mind starving to death.
DARIUS: Well, just goes to show. (He pulls out a bag with several boxes of food inside.) Never underestimate what you’ll find in the back of a truck.

[The laboratory]

(Gryffen is making tea.)

JUNE: So, if Inspector Drake does come for K9, let me know immediately. He has no authority.
GRYFFEN: Strangely, he’s not the only one looking for K9 at the moment. I had a visit this morning from a galactic bounty hunter.
JUNE: A bounty hunter? Well, he has no authority either. I’ll issue a warrant for his arrest and deportation. Where’s K9?
GRYFFEN: The kids are hiding him. This bounty hunter seems a rather desperate character.
JUNE: Then Jorjie can come home with me now.
GRYFFEN: I think that’s a very wise idea. Unfortunately, I don’t know where she and the others are.
JUNE: What?
GRYFFEN: Well, we agreed that I shouldn’t know so that I wouldn’t be able to reveal their location even under pressure, but I’m sure they’re fine.
JUNE: Really? So, my daughter’s out there with a dissident, a petty thief and a suspected… What’s K9 wanted for?
GRYFFEN: Murder.
JUNE: Murder? He’s a suspected murderer? That’s your idea of fine?!
GRYFFEN: He’s only a suspect and I’m certain he’s innocent.
JUNE: It doesn’t matter. This bounty hunter thinks he’s chasing a murderer! What do you think will happen to anyone who gets caught between him and K9?
GRYFFEN: Sugar?
JUNE: I need to find her. You’d better hope it’s before this bounty hunter does.

(She leaves.)

GRYFFEN: Tea?

[Department vehicle]

CCPC: Someone to see you, sir.
DRAKE: Send him in. (Ahab enters.) You claim to have the means to subdue the K9 device.

(Ahab pulls out a weapon and fires it at the ground.)

AHAB: But it needs to be found first. That be your job.
DRAKE: I give the orders on this planet.
AHAB: I don’t know your city. You use your network of spies and cameras to find the dog and I’ll show you how to unlock its secrets. Deal?

[Storage facility]

DARIUS: Well, if everyone’s finished. Can’t have a dirty sewer.
JORJIE: How’s K9?
STARKEY: Defragging.
JORJIE: Do you think it’s possible K9 really did assassinate that galactic dude?
STARKEY: No way.
DARIUS: Yeah! We don’t even know what he did before he came here. He doesn’t even know himself.
STARKEY: Has he even done one suspicious thing since he’s been here?
DARIUS: Oh, right, yeah. Oh, he’s so gentle. He wouldn’t hurt a fly. You watch, one day you’ll be petting him and he’ll go chomp. “Where’d me arm go?”
STARKEY: He’s not a killer. I know him.
DARIUS: Chomp.
JORJIE: Give it a rest, you two. I need my sleep. (Starkey turns off a glowing ball and then goes to turn off a lantern.) Uh, let’s not.

(They go to sleep. K9 remembers Zanthus and seeing a pile of his remains.)

K9: This unit is guilty. This unit is a murderer.

[Sewer]

K9: New priority. Resolve conflict. Surrender to authorities.

(A flying camera descends into the sewer.)

[Department vehicle]

(June is using the computer systems to control the camera and find Jorjie.)

[The main hall]

GRYFFEN: The sewer? Ingenious! Who would think of looking for them there?

[Department vehicle]

JUNE: No one because it’s a sewer. And my daughter spent the night there, Gryffen. My daughter.
GRYFFEN: (On the screen.) Oh.
JUNE: I’m on my way there now. You hear anything from them, you tell them to stay where they are.
GRYFFEN: (On the screen.) Will do. Careful where you walk.

(June ends the call.)

[The main hall]

GRYFFEN: Why would K9 be so careless as to miss a motion detector? K9, are you there? Answer? (The screen shows Zanthus’s remains.) K9, what is it you’re showing me?
K9: (On the screen.) Human life protection programming compromised. Resolution in progress.

[Sewer]

JORJIE: I don’t get it. Why would K9 just leave?
STARKEY: Maybe he didn’t.
JORJIE: The bounty hunter.

(Darius spots K9.)

DARIUS: Or maybe he just got sick of roughing it.
STARKEY: K9, stop! Where are you going?
K9: This unit must surrender to the authorities. This unit must stand trial.
STARKEY: What do you mean? What’s happened?
K9: While I was defragging, I recalled something. I recalled committing the crime of which I’m charged.
DARIUS: Well, that’s what I told you.
JORJIE: You were probably dreaming.
STARKEY: Or you imagined it.
K9: I do not dream and I have no imagination. I am a criminal.

(Drake and Ahab arrive with some CCPCs.)

DRAKE: Absolutely right.
STARKEY: Ahab! Run, K9!
K9: No. I can run but I cannot hide. It is time to face justice.

(Ahab activates his weapon.)

[Department vehicle]

JUNE: The sewer tunnel. I was just about to go down there myself. What are you doing there?
DRAKE: (Over radio.) I was dealing with the alien.
JUNE: The bounty hunter’s there? Is my daughter all right?
DRAKE: (Over radio.) She was fine last I saw.
JUNE: Last you saw? Where is she?
DRAKE: (Over radio.) She and the others went back to Gryffen’s house.
JUNE: And the alien?
DRAKE: (Over radio.) He took them there.
JUNE: You let him take my daughter?
DRAKE: (Over radio.) I didn’t have much choice. He took us off guard.
JUNE: How, exactly?
DRAKE: (Over radio.) We had an arrangement.
JUNE: You and an alien?
DRAKE: (Over radio.) Which would have given us access to the K9 device’s technology.
JUNE: Oh, I should have known.
DRAKE: (Over radio.) The alien went back on it. He neutralised my CCPCs and he’s taken the K9 device with him.
JUNE: Brilliantly handled. From now on, all matters relating to K9 will be handled by my section. We can’t afford you to keep doing what you’re doing, can we?

(She ends the call.)

[The main hall]

(Ahab leads K9 into the hall with his weapon, which acts as a leash. Starkey, Jorjie and Darius run in after them.)

STARKEY: Professor! K9 gave himself up. He thinks he’s guilty.

(Gryffen comes out of the laboratory.)

K9: The evidence is undeniable. I must face justice.
AHAB: Come on.
JORJIE: What is that thing?
K9: It’s a super cold post-Einstein condensate, close to absolute zero. Don’t touch it.

(The screen in the laboratory switches on and shows Zanthus.)

GRYFFEN: The cold is turning K9 into a super conductor.
K9: It’s accelerated my processors. Some of my memory has cleared.

(The screen shows that Zanthus was killed by Ahab and a Jixen. Ahab activates the Space-Time Manipulator.)

JORJIE: You’re the assassin.
STARKEY: You’re taking K9 because he saw you do it.
AHAB: A loose end I’ll soon be able to cut off.
GRYFFEN: Let him go!
STARKEY: K9! You didn’t harm anybody! You’re innocent!
K9: Unable to resist. Effects of extreme cold draining my power.
JORJIE: Is that tea hot?
GRYFFEN: Boiling.
STARKEY: You’re thirsty now?

(Jorjie takes Gryffen’s cup of tea and throws its contents at the leash. The leash is severed and Ahab falls backwards through the Space-Time Manipulator.)

GRYFFEN: Brilliant! Extreme heat meets extreme cold!
STARKEY: Snap!
GRYFFEN: You know, the Jixen we saw in K9’s memory must be the same one who followed him through the portal to here.
K9: All moral conflicts now resolved.

(June enters.)

JORJIE: K9 never put the chomp on anyone.
STARKEY: You’re a free dog.
JUNE: Not quite. K9 is an alien presence and, as such, is under the control of the Department. My section, not Security. Gryffen, I’m giving you responsibility. This is now officially the K9 Unit, answerable directly to me in all matters, including my daughter’s safety.
JORJIE: Mum.
JUNE: We’ll talk about last night when we get home. And you’ve had a shower.

(June and Jorjie leave. Gryffen goes upstairs.)

DARIUS: Well, that’s all well and good but what I want to know is what’s stopping that Ahab character from coming at putting the chomp on us.
GRYFFEN: I don’t think we need to worry. He entered the time of his destination but not the place.
DARIUS: So?
GRYFFEN: He’s going to land in this exact spot, fifty thousand years from now.
DARIUS: So, he’s home safe and sound.
GRYFFEN: Not exactly. See, the planets are continually moving through space. In fifty thousand years, the Earth won’t be here.
DARIUS: So, where is he?
K9: Lost in space.

[Space]

(Ahab is unable to breathe.)

Transcript originally provided by Chrissie. Adapted by TARDIS.guide. The transcripts are for educational and entertainment purposes only. All other copyrights property of their respective holders.