Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#203. Terror of the Sontarans ~ 5/10

◆ An Introduction

I am so incredibly grateful for all the stories BigFinish have written over the years, but it cannot be denied that they struggle when it comes to writing for the Sontarans.

There have been a fair few catastrophic blunders with these clone warriors, like when Alan Barnes thought it would be a good idea to put them in a Dad’s Army scenario… but with all the humour of said show removed, and replaced with writing that makes you want to stick a microscopic cheese grater into your ear drums (I plan on reviewing the “Older Nyssa” story arc pretty soon, and I have lot to say about ‘Heroes of Sontar’, don’t you worry).

I’m a pretty vocal critic of Chris Chibnall’s writing for the televised series, but even he managed to make a really good Sontaran story! So why do BigFinish have such a difficult time with them? Well it’s partly because they take the Steven Moffat approach of trying to make them humorous, which almost always ends disastrously. I’m sure you can imagine then, that I was incredibly excited for what appeared to be an atmospheric horror featuring the clone nasties. It’s a shame I now have to tell you why it doesn’t work…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Once it was a mining facility. Then later its corridors rang with screams generated by grotesque military experiments. However when the Doctor and Mel arrive on a hostile alien world after detecting a distress signal, the base they find themselves in is almost deserted.

But not for long. Soon the Doctor's old enemies, the Sontarans, have landed, and are searching for the remnants of their previous research team. Before long they uncover evidence of strange occurrences on the planet. Of madness and death.

They are warriors bred for war, strong of spirit and unafraid of death. To fear the enemy is an act of betrayal. Nothing holds terror for the Sontarans.

Until now...

◆ The Seventh Doctor

‘Terror of the Sontarans’ is far from what you’d call a great script, but that doesn’t stop Sylvester McCoy trying his best to make the material work. It’s a really nice performance.

When has the Doctor ever been cautious? He is the most dangerous person Mel knows.

◆ Mel Bush

‘Terror of the Sontarans’ might be one of the weaker scripts BigFinish have given her, but Bonnie Langford is still committed to delivering a great performance.

Mel is perfectly happy to help out people in distress, she just doesn’t want to join them.

◆ Story Recap

The planet designated ERM 4997 was an IMC mining planet late into the 30th century, but the crew were driven to the edge of madness and beyond. Half of the personnel had been sealed into caves after turning homicidal, whilst the rest where in the observation deck worshipping the planet’s rocks.

The Sontarans invaded this colony eight decades later, converting it into a torture parlour to test the durability of what they deemed “lesser races” to mental and physical attacks. All the while, a creature has been feeding for thousands of years. Now though… it can feed on the Sontarans as well!

◆ Insane Asylum for Demented Entertainers

‘Terror of the Sontarans’ is absolutely beset with problems, and that really saddens me. Like I said in the introduction to this review, I was really excited for this one, so what went wrong?

I think the biggest issue is with the pacing of the adventure, and the fact we spend more time just listening to characters rattle off vast swathes of uninspiring dialogue. There’s not really much more to say than that – dialogue is a pretty crucial thing to get right in your audio drama script, and I genuinely don’t understand how someone as successful and prolific as John Dorney could get that wrong.

It also doesn’t help that our guest cast feel like they have been picked up from an insane asylum for demented entertainers. I remember reading a comment on Doc Oho’s review of this story where someone compared Anvil Jackson to Futurama’s own Captain Zapp Brannigan, and it’s such an accurate comparison, in the worst way possible. An arrogant and cocky man who you just want to be the enemy’s next target, I genuinely couldn’t find Anvil more unlikeable if I tried! There is also Stettimer, who appears to be a giant talking lobster with anger issues (who just reminded me of the Kreyfin from the ‘Vienna’ spin off). The problem with this character is that he sounds near identical to the Sontarans, making scenes very hard to follow if both of them are present.

◆ Sound Design

Atmospheric horror stories can often work very well with minimal sound effects, but when your adventure’s writing isn’t up to scratch… I really pity your sound artist. I know that everyone involved in this release can do so much better, but Hardwick’s sound design is best described as being barren and lifeless.

A Sontaran blasts his laser rifle at the wall. Fizzing electronic lights, as the auxiliary power generator kicks into life.

◆ Music

The score for ‘Terror of the Sontarans’ is also being handled by Andy Hardwick. I cannot be the only person who instantly recognised the music from this story as the music from the trailer to ‘Classic Doctors: New Monsters, Volume One’, can I?

Either way, Hardwick does a really good job at providing an epic and thoroughly dramatic score… one which is sadly wasted on this script.

◆ Conclusion

“Present arms! Present legs!”

A Sontaran torture facility is being haunted by a silicon-based gestalt that can literally leave the potato headed thugs as nothing more than babbling wrecks, paralysed with fear.

That sounds like an incredibly interesting premise, and one that could easily have gotten full marks from me… but Dorney and Starkey instead fill their script with strenuously long sequences of dialogue where very little happens (this is meant to be an audio drama, not an audiobook).

McCoy and Langford are once more delivering excellent performances, and trying their damnedest to put some life into this script, but I don’t think they can save it.

If I were to give a gold star to anyone involved in this adventure, then it’s Andy Hardwick. His sound design may have been a bit flat and lifeless here, but that musical score is just divine (and it’s such a shame the rest of the story couldn’t match its quality).

‘Terror of the Sontarans’ left me feeling disappointed more than anything, because it so clearly had the potential to be one of the greatest Sontaran scripts of all time. Masses of missed opportunity and incredibly weird writing choices. What a damn shame.