[Freddie’s office]

FREDDIE: I call it “destructertainment”. Robot Gladiators for the discerning lovers of a bit of mayhem. And the punters? I’ve got them paying hand over first for video uplinks of my robots going at it in the ring. So what if the tech I’m using is prohibited? And by the Department, no less. Laws, they’re for the little people.
DARIUS: Right, yeah. Not like you and me, Freddie.
FREDDIE: That’s right, son. So, you work for Professor Gryffen?
DARIUS: I used to but the stuck-up old geezer treated me like dirt, so I quit.
FREDDIE: Yeah, I’ve heard he’s a bit full of himself but you’ve got to admire the man’s genius. There’s not one robot in my stable doesn’t carry a bit of his legacy. But to business. What you got for me?
DARIUS: Just a little something I managed to take with me when I parted company with the professor. (He presents K9, packaged in a box. Freddie laughs.) You interested?

(Darius clears his throat.)

FREDDIE: Kid, you got a deal.
DARIUS: Deal.

(Darius shakes Freddie’s hand. Freddie winces.)

FREDDIE: Easy!
DARIUS: Oh, sorry.

[24 hours earlier, the laboratory]

(Darius is showing Starkey, Jorjie, Gryffen and K9 a picture of Freddie on the screen.)

DARIUS: Freddie Maxwell, AKA Freddie the Entertainer. Two-bit hustler and, according to my contacts, the mastermind of Crash Club.
JORJIE: Crash Club?
DARIUS: Old robots teched up and forced to fight it out in the arena for the entertainment of rich toffs.
GRYFFEN: Good work, Darius. At last I can put a face to the man who’s made a mockery of my thought matrix.
STARKEY: Thought matrix?
GRYFFEN: Something I developed years ago. It’s a revolutionary robotic brain that allows a robot to think for itself rather than to be programmed.
K9: You call that revolutionary? I teach myself new things all the time.
GRYFFEN: Such sophistication may be the norm for the future but at the time I’m talking about robots were little more than wind-up toys.
STARKEY: As we all know, they’ve already moved on from that.
DARIUS: Yeah, thanks to the prof.
GRYFFEN: And they would have moved on even further if the Department hadn’t confiscated my technology for their own use.
JORJIE: Well, if this lowlife’s using banned technology, why don’t we just sic the Department on him?
GRYFFEN: Oh, I’ve already tried that but according to your mother the Department has bigger fish to fry.
K9: Seafood preparation is a Department priority?
DARIUS: It’s a saying.
GRYFFEN: I worked long and hard on this technology and I did it for the betterment of humanity, not to facilitate this revolting entertainment.

(Gryffen leaves.)

STARKEY: Well, I say we do something about it.
JORJIE: What have you got in mind?
STARKEY: How about it, guys? We up for a bit of undercover work?
K9: Undercover?
STARKEY: Yes, undercover.

[Now, the laboratory]

(Starkey, Darius and Jorjie are talking to K9 remotely.)

STARKEY: Think of it as a holiday.
DARIUS: Yeah, a cheap one. To a slave camp.

[Gladiator pen]

(K9 is in a box.)

K9: I’m not talking to you, you traitor. Haggling over me with that crook like I was an old fridge at a flea market.

[The laboratory]

DARIUS: Don’t be such a baby. It was all part of the plan.
STARKEY: He’s right, K9. Darius has to get chummy with Freddie if we’re going to find out where he gets his illegal tech.
DARIUS: Yeah, and, you know, selling you at Bargain Basement definitely made me his pal.
K9: I’m acquainted with the plan. I still remain uncertain how you talked me into this.
STARKEY: Because there’s no other way. We need actual evidence on Freddie if Jorjie’s mum is going to take any action.
DARIUS: Yeah, doing the Department’s job for them, in other words.
K9: Shh.
JORJIE: What is it?

[Gladiator pen]

K9: Showtime.

(The box is opened and K9 falls out. He meets Chuckles and Boris, two robot clowns.)

CHUCKLES: Oh, hello, pup. Hey, come on, refuelling’s almost over. Look, Boris. We’ve got a pup.
K9: I am not a pup. Refuelling? Excuse me, but I think there’s been some kind of mistake. I’m supposed to be delivered to the gladiator pens.
CHUCKLES: Well, this is it.
K9: Right. And where exactly are the gladiators?

(Boris squeezes his horn several times.)

CHUCKLES: Ah, you could be onto something there, Boris. It makes sense that a robot dog’s not going to be all that smart.
K9: Excuse me!
CHUCKLES: It’s okay, pup. The gladiators are both here. This is Boris and I’m Chuckles.
K9: You are the gladiators? But you’re just a couple of clowns.
CHUCKLES: How did you guess that?
K9: A wild guess.
CHUCKLES: And a pretty good one. Boris and me did used to be clowns, but no point talking about what once was. Freddie owns all of us now which means we’re gladiators, like it or not. Same goes for you, pup. The sooner you learn to accept that… (There is a crash. The Pain-Maker enters.) Who’s there? The champion!
K9: Champion?

(The Pain-Maker starts smashing things.)

CHUCKLES: The Pain-Maker! Trust me, pup. If you’ve got (unclear) you’ll stay clear of that one.
K9: Are you receiving this?

[The laboratory]

STARKEY: We are, K9.
DARIUS: Just look at the tech on that. That’s no patch-up on some second-hand rust bucket.
STARKEY: That thing’s built for combat.
JORJIE: K9 will deal with him without raising a sweat.
DARIUS: That’s one scary unit.

[Gladiator pen]

(The Pain-Maker has gone.)

CHUCKLES: Hey, looks like we’re going to be bunkmates, pup. Exciting, huh?
K9: Thrilling.
CHUCKLES: Come on, I’ll show you around.
K9: Around what?
CHUCKLES: Here. This is a wall and this is another wall. Oh, and this too is another wall.
K9: Hope you’re receiving this.
STARKEY: (Over comms) K9!
CHUCKLES: Oh, now this is a very special wall…

(Chuckles puts his hands on the cell door. An alarm sounds.)

FREDDIE: (Over tannoy) Don’t forget yourself (unclear). Newbie, you’re wanted in the pit.
K9: The pit?

[The Pit]

(K9 enters the Pit, a workshop. He clears his throat and the technician turns around. It is Starkey.)

K9: Starkey! What are you doing here?
STARKEY: Darius talked me up as some kind of kid robotic genius. Freddie hired me on the spot. Figured you could do with some backup.
K9: Completely unnecessary but thank you. How is the plan progressing?
STARKEY: Darius is in Freddie’s office right now. The minute he scopes out how Freddie is getting his hands on this illegal tech, we’re out of here.
K9: Think you could speed it up?
STARKEY: I thought you’d be enjoying the chance to get to know your ancestors.
K9: How would you like a few hours locked up with some chimpanzees? I can calculate the age of the universe to 98% accuracy. They struggle to avoid bumping into the furniture.
STARKEY: Yeah, but somewhere long ago there must have been a K9 that dumped into furniture too. These guys are your past.
K9: I now understand what they mean by the dim past.
STARKEY: Snooty about your ancestors. It’s not a good look.
K9: Snooty?

[Freddie’s office]

DARIUS: I don’t know how you do it. You’re swiping tech from the Department, run this place right under their nose. It beats me how you’re keeping a lid on it. I mean, how do you keep it all secret?
FREDDIE: Lesson number… What are we up to?
DARIUS: Sixteen.
FREDDIE: Lesson number sixteen. Always be prepared for a swift departure if needed. Keep all records of illegal activity close and portable.
DARIUS: How close?
FREDDIE: That, my son, is for another lesson. Right now, I’ve got tonight’s show to organise.

(Freddie leaves.)

[Gladiator pit]

(Boris keeps inflating and releasing air from a balloon.)

K9: Why does he keep doing that? Repeating the same action over and over? It’s so illogical.
CHUCKLES: Seems perfectly logical to me.
K9: And what do you know about logic?
CHUCKLES: I know balloons used to be his act at the circus. Kids loved it. And I know clowns should be clowns and not gladiators. And I know that I want to go home.
K9: To the circus?
CHUCKLES: Yeah, where Boris and me can be what we were designed to be.
FREDDIE: (Over tannoy) Boris, you’re up.
K9: Wait. Where are you taking him?
FREDDIE: (Over tannoy) Showtime! Now, keep it down, you mooks.
K9: Showtime?

[Freddie’s office]

(Freddie is sat at his desk, opposite a man.)

FREDDIE: So, yeah, Boris. He’s one of my best. He’s a real contender. He should give your boy quite a run. I still say it should have been the robot dog fighting. You wouldn’t rather see the robot dog fight? No? No. Right. (He talks into a microphone.) Right here, right now is Crash Club! Let’s get ready for mayhem! It’s fight time!

[Arena]

(Boris does cartwheels to avoid the Pain-Maker’s attacks, then does a handstand. The Pain-Maker attacks.)

[Freddie’s office]

(Freddie winces.)

FREDDIE: It’s not quite the match-up I anticipated. I still say it should have been the robot dog. I mean, why get me to purchase him if you don’t want to see him fight?

(The man is Thorne.)

THORNE: Oh, never fear. K9’s turn will come.

[The Pit]

STARKEY: I’m sorry, K9.
K9: Who did this?
CHUCKLES: It was Pain-Maker. I told you, pup. The champ’s not like the rest of us. He was built for fighting.
K9: Well, it’s time Freddie and this Pain-Maker of his learnt what I was built for.
STARKEY: K9, wait. Remember the plan.
K9: I’m changing it.
STARKEY: Use your head. We want to shut Freddie down for good. Even with all your powers, you can’t arrest him.
K9: I could give him a good zapping.
CHUCKLES: You can do that?
STARKEY: No, he can’t. Besides, even if you could, the second it wore off Freddie would just be back to business as usual. K9, you just need to keep up the act a little while longer. Any moment now, Darius is going to find the evidence we need to shut him down.

[The chess room]

DARIUS: I quit.
STARKEY: You can’t. The whole plan relies on you.
DARIUS: Well, then, we need a new plan because no amount of sucking up to Freddie is going to score me any alone time to search his office!

(Gryffen enters.)

GRYFFEN: There’s got to be some way we can get him out of there.
DARIUS: Yeah, well, none that I can see.
STARKEY: I don’t think K9’s going to stay undercover for much longer.
GRYFFEN: Darius, think. You’ve spent time with the man. What are his weaknesses? How can we exploit him?
DARIUS: He loves peanuts.
GRYFFEN: Try harder. Think again.
DARIUS: And money. He definitely loves money.
GRYFFEN: Money. So, we threaten his finances. That ought to shake him up enough to get him out of the office.
DARIUS: Yeah, I guess, but how exactly?
STARKEY: I’ve got an idea, but we’re going to need one more undercover operative.

(He looks at Jorjie.)

JORJIE: What? No. No way.

(Later, Jorjie enters in heels and a suit. She stumbles.)

JORJIE: This so isn’t going to work.
STARKEY: Of course it is. Just channel your mum.
GRYFFEN: And when you’re talking to him, just keep the details vague and remember what I told you. If you believe it, you are it.
DARIUS: And if he does suss you then just lose the heels and make a run for it.
JORJIE: Most comforting.

[Freddie’s office]

(Jorjie knocks on the door and enters.)

FREDDIE: Whatever you’re selling, love, see my secretary. I’ve got a fight to organise.
JORJIE: Caroline Fincher-Jones of His Majesty’s Revenue and Customs.

(Jorjie flashes an ID.)

FREDDIE: A taxman?
JORJIE: Taxperson.
FREDDIE: You look very young to be a taxperson.
JORJIE: Compliments? Are you attempting to unduly influence me?
FREDDIE: Nah, that wasn’t a compliment, my darling. I’ve never paid a compliment in my life.
JORJIE: Very well. (She sits down.) Now, would I be right in assuming this is your office?
FREDDIE: What, this? Nah, I’m just looking after it for a friend.
JORJIE: So, that’s not your name on the door? Mr Maxwell, are you currently engaged in a commercial enterprise?
FREDDIE: Yeah, well, it’s kind of more of a hobby, really.
JORJIE: And you have BAT returns to support this claim?
FREDDIE: Don’t you mean VAT returns?
JORJIE: Yes, exactly. Those as well. In fact, we’ll start with those. You have receipts?
FREDDIE: I might have if I bothered looking.
JORJIE: Perhaps if I was to call in some of my colleagues, we could start by going through all your electronic records.
FREDDIE: Receipts? Of course I’ve got receipts. Hang on a minute, darling. Make yourself comfortable. I’ll be back in a minute.

(Freddie leaves. Darius enters and shuts the door.)

DARIUS: That was amazing.
JORJIE: Come on. I’ve got a feeling he’s going to be pretty fast finding those receipts.

[The Pit]

(K9 is wearing a cloak.)

STARKEY: Are you sure about this, K9?
K9: The robot clown insisted I look the part.
STARKEY: I mean taking on Pain-Maker. It’s not necessary. Once Freddie goes down, the Pain-Maker will go with him.
K9: I cannot risk him fighting Chuckles before that happens. I must protect my new friend.
STARKEY: But I’m trying to protect my friend.
K9: You’re worried about me? Against that neanderthal bully?
STARKEY: You never know. He might land a lucky punch.
K9: Thank you for your concern, young master, but the only thing that will be landing will be my photon beam, after which he will be beating up no more of his fellow robots.

[Freddie’s office]

(Jorjie is searching the room. Darius is holding and looking at a trophy.)

JORJIE: Any time you’d like to join in!
DARIUS: Wait, wait. There’s only one place a crim like Freddie would think to hide somewhere and that’s the one place he’d never think to look himself because if he would never think to look there then no one else in their right mind would think to look there either!

(Jorjie lifts Freddie’s bowl of peanuts. There is a device underneath.)

JORJIE: I found it.
DARIUS: See? Exactly, I told you.

(Starkey enters.)

STARKEY: Did you find anything?
JORJIE: I think this is it. I’m about to upload it to Gryffen.
FREDDIE: (Outside) Hello, Mr T.
DARIUS: Ah, someone’s coming.

(Starkey, Darius and Jorjie hide under the desk. Freddie, Thorne and two CCPCs enter.)

FREDDIE: I tell you, that taxwoman’s put the wind up me good and proper. She’s trouble, I tell you.
THORNE: Really? What exactly is her name?
FREDDIE: Fincher-Jones. Carolyn Fincher-Jones.
THORNE: You’re sure it’s not Turner? Jorjie Turner? She has a friend.

(Thorne looks towards the desk. Freddie does so and smirks.)

FREDDIE: You don’t say.
THORNE: Named Darius Pike. (Starkey, Darius and Jorjie get up.) Here they are now. And Starkey as well! The full set.
STARKEY: You knew we were here.
THORNE: Of course I did. I’ve known everything you’ve been up to over the last couple of days. It’s called setting a trap.
JORJIE: A trap?
THORNE: Freddie here is no genius, but do you really think he would buy you as a tax inspector? Or you as a robotics expert? You as a dodgy hustler, that’s another matter.
FREDDIE: Mr T here prevailed on me to go along with your little scam.
THORNE: Freddie’s entertainment being rather on the illegal side, he was hardly in a position to argue.
JORJIE: So, you’re working with a known criminal who’s using technology that’s specifically banned by the Department?
THORNE: Correct. Showtime.

(Freddie gets his microphone.)

FREDDIE: Right here, right now, it’s Crash Club! Let’s get ready for mayhem! He’ll make them bark! He’ll make them yelp! So, give it up for the Hound from Hell!

(K9 is on a screen. His cloak is pulled off.)

K9: (Onscreen) I am not a hound.
FREDDIE: And his opponent tonight, our undefeated champion, the Pain-Maker-ker-ker-ker-ker-ker!
DARIUS: Mate, I don’t want to disappoint you or anything but you’re going to have to lose that undefeated tag.
JORJIE: Yeah. K9 will smash his bullying butt.
THORNE: I hope so.
STARKEY: What’s this all about?
THORNE: Of the many remarkable things about the K9 unit, perhaps the most remarkable is his ability to regenerate himself?
STARKEY: How did you know about that?

(Thorne taps his nose.)

THORNE: The point is, this is a tremendously valuable technology, one the Department would greatly benefit from.
DARIUS: Yeah, well, he’s hardly likely to just hand it over to you.
THORNE: I’m well aware of that so I needed to find another way to secure it. The simplest way seemed to be to cause K9 to have to regenerate his living metal frame.
STARKEY: You’d have to destroy him to do that.
THORNE: Correct.
JORJIE: You think that pumped-up cyber-cop of yours is going to destroy K9?
THORNE: Not normally. However, I’ve arranged for him to be a little more pumped-up than normal. He’s loaded to the back teeth with solarmite.
DARIUS: What, the explosive?
STARKEY: That thing’s a bomb?

[Arena]

(K9 and the Pain-Maker look at each other.)

[Freddie’s office]

DARIUS: This is insane. That much solarmite will blow up this whole building.
THORNE: I’ve taken the precaution of having that bunker reinforced, but one photon shot from K9 and everything inside that bunker will be destroyed, except for his regeneration tank.
STARKEY: K9 will sense it’s a bomb. He won’t fire.
THORNE: If he scans for it, because this is the bully that destroyed his friend. And you know how he feels about his friends. I think he may just shoot first.

[Arena]

(The Pain-Maker waves a handkerchief belonging to Boris.)

K9: You just made this even more personal.

[Freddie’s office]

JORJIE: He’s going to fire.
STARKEY: No. K9!
THORNE: Alas, he can’t hear you.

(Freddie gets his microphone.)

FREDDIE: It’s fight time!

[Arena]

(The Pain-Maker tries to hit K9, but K9 flies to avoid him.)

K9: This is all for entertainment? It’s nothing but mindless violence.

[Freddie’s office]

THORNE: What’s he doing?

[Arena]

K9: I will not fight you. I will not fight.

[Freddie’s office]

STARKEY: You never expected that, did you? That K9 would be too decent to act the way you would.
FREDDIE: This is not good for business, Mr T.
THORNE: I want that technology. (He raises his vidcom.) Initiate self-destruct sequence.

[Arena]

(K9 detects that the Pain-Maker is activating his self-destruct.)

[Freddie’s office]

(Starkey grabs the microphone.)

STARKEY: K9, get out of there! It’s…!

(Thorne switches off the microphone.)

[Arena]

K9: Solarmite.

(K9 fires his cannon. There is an explosion.)

[Freddie’s office]

(The screen switches off.)

THORNE: Get down there! Collect anything that’s left.
JORJIE: You monster!
THORNE: A monster with access to regeneration technology.

(The door is blown open and the two CCPCs knocked down. K9 enters.)

K9: News of my regeneration has been greatly exaggerated.
JORJIE: K9!
DARIUS: K9!
STARKEY: You’re safe!
K9: Of course. Solarmite would have caused damage to this unit. The only explosive force capable of destroying me is my own self-destruct function.
JORJIE: Your plan was never going to work.
STARKEY: Didn’t know quite as much as you thought you did.

(Starkey taps his nose.)

FREDDIE: Bad luck, Mr T. Still, why don’t we get together? Talk about my new arena. Where are you going?
THORNE: Going? I was never here.
FREDDIE: We had a deal!
DARIUS: I think he’s terminating that deal, Freddie.
FREDDIE: What about my business?
JORJIE: You’re going to have to find something new once you get out of prison.

(Jorjie holds up the device.)

FREDDIE: Where’d you find that? That was hidden under my peanuts?
THORNE: That’s where you hid your business data?
FREDDIE: Well, I never thought anyone would look under my peanuts, did I?

(Thorne leaves.)

DARIUS: Told you.

(Freddie runs after Thorne.)

FREDDIE: Mr T! Mr T!
DARIUS: Peanuts, anyone?
K9: No, thank you.

[The laboratory]

(Gryffen is examining K9.)

GRYFFEN: Well, there doesn’t seem to be any damage from the explosion.
JORJIE: No thanks to Thorne.
GRYFFEN: Who also knows about K9’s regeneration capabilities.
STARKEY: Yeah, I can’t figure out how.
GRYFFEN: He regenerated when he first came through the STM.
JORJIE: The only people here were us.
GRYFFEN: Exactly, so how could Thorne possibly know about it?
K9: Thorne must have sources of information which go beyond what we know about him.
GRYFFEN: He must have and, however he knows about it, he’s willing to go to any lengths to get it.
K9: This unit will be more vigilant than ever, especially where potentially exploding gladiator cyborgs are concerned.
STARKEY: Well, see that you are.

(Darius enters with a ringing vidcom.)

DARIUS: Uh, call for you.
K9: For me?
DARIUS: I’ll put it across to the vidscreen.

(Darius switches the screen on.)

[Gladiator pen]

(Chuckles is holding a vidcom.)

CHUCKLES: Hey, K9. It’s me, your old pal Chuckles. From the Crash Club.

[The laboratory]

K9: This unit does remember as far back as earlier today.
CHUCKLES: (Over vidcom) I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay, pup.
K9: I am not a pup. (Starkey gestures.) Yes, I’m fine.
CHUCKLES: (Over vidcom) I also wanted to let you know…

(In the background, Boris inflates a balloon.)

K9: Boris. They repaired you.
CHUCKLES: (Over vidcom) It’s Boris. From the Crash Club.
K9: Are you receiving this?
STARKEY: K9.
K9: I keep telling you I can remember.
STARKEY: K9!
K9: And you have a new pink thing. (Referring to Boris’s handkerchief.)
CHUCKLES: (Over vidcom) Wasn’t much luck with the old one.
STARKEY: And a new honker.
CHUCKLES: (Over vidcom) Anyway, just wanted to let you know we’re going back to the circus. Would never have happened if Crash Club hadn’t closed down. You did that, pup. You and your friends. We wanted to say thank you.
K9: You’re both welcome.
CHUCKLES: (Over vidcom) You’re a very good dog.
K9: Thank you. However, I am not a dog. This unit is a cybernetic construction containing quantum consciousness. I am capable of…

(Starkey puts his hand over K9’s face, muffling him.)

STARKEY AND DARIUS: K9!
K9: I hadn’t finished.

[Camo]

LOMAX: You’re certain no evidence exists connecting this Crash Club enterprise to the Department?
THORNE: None. Freddie will take the entire fall.
LOMAX: Good. However, the K9 unit is now aware of our interests in his regeneration technology. That will make the acquisition of it harder.
THORNE: But not impossible. We will have it. Our plans will go forward.
LOMAX: I’ll leave it with you, then. Use all the powers at your disposal.
THORNE: Oh, I intend to.

Transcript originally provided by Chrissie. Adapted by TARDIS.guide. The transcripts are for educational and entertainment purposes only. All other copyrights property of their respective holders.