Revenge of the Slitheen

Part One

[Jackson home]

(Being redecorated.)

MARIA [OC]: My name's Maria Jackson, and this is Bannerman Road. I've just moved in with my dad after he and my mum got divorced.
MARIA: Oh, right, on the brush.
ALAN: You've got some on your face. There, just there.
MARIA [OC]: Then, in this big old house over the road, I met Sarah Jane Smith. She's a journalist who investigates aliens. That's Luke. Born yesterday, near enough. Sarah Jane's adopted him, and together, we saved the world. I discovered that life was so much bigger and stranger and better than I ever thought possible.

[Outside the Jackson home]

(Maria is going to school, and Dad wants a farewell kiss.)

ALAN: Oi! Thank you. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
MARIA [OC]: But when school began, I thought things might go back to normal. I was wrong. They just got weirder, and weirder, and weirder.

[Outside Park Vale school]

(Luke gets out of Sarah Jane's car.)

SARAH JANE: Now, you take care, okay?
LUKE: Goodbye, Mum.
SARAH JANE: Oh, I don't think so. No, Sarah Jane's just fine. Oh, hi, Maria.

(Sarah Jane kisses Luke on the cheek and the passing schoolchildren laugh. She gets into her car and drives away.)

LUKE: Why were they laughing?
MARIA: First day, and your mum's kissing you goodbye?
LUKE: Is that bad?
MARIA: Bit embarrassing. Plus, she so wants you to call her Mum.
LUKE: She said she didn't.
MARIA: It's not what she said.

(There is a big glass building in the grounds, and it has a big satellite dish on it.)

MARIA: That's a bit flashy.
LUKE: It's a brand new building. There was an article about it in the paper.
MARIA: Hmm. Wonder what's inside it?

[Control room]

MALE [OC]: Not them. Scan along. Where is he?
BLAKEMAN [OC]: There! Him.

(They zoom in on a well built teacher.)

MALE [OC]: He's not that big. How will I fit?
BLAKEMAN [OC]: He'll do. Get yourself ready. I'll go fetch.

[School corridor]

JEFFREY: What can I do for you?
BLAKEMAN: Stand right there, Tim.
JEFFREY: Any particular reason?
BLAKEMAN: Very particular. (Parp) Oops!
JEFFREY: Happens to us all.
BLAKEMAN: And I'll need those.
JEFFREY: Sorry?

(The headmaster takes Tim's spectacles just as the wall opens behind him and a green claw taps him on the shoulder. Tim turns and screams.)

[School assembly]

LUKE: I'm feeling anxious.
MARIA: So am I.
LUKE: But you've been to school before.
MARIA: Not this one.
CLYDE: Budge up. You new today?
MARIA: Yeah. Maria.
CLYDE: Clyde. New too. Probably hang around with you till I meet some cooler people.
LUKE: How do you do? I'm Luke Smith.
CLYDE: Okay, that was a joke. Now I mean it.

(The Headmaster steps up to the podium.)

BLAKEMAN: Good morning, everybody.
ALL: Good morning, Mister Blakeman.

(Mister Blakeman farts. The children laugh.)

BLAKEMAN: What's funny? The wife gave me cabbage and bean tartlets last night. Yet another reason to despise Jamie Oliver. Right. Assembly, yah di yah. Welcome back everybody. It's a new year. Hope you all do well. Don't run in the courtyard. Don't even think of wearing make-up, and study hard, because I guarantee none of you are going to be pop stars.
CLYDE: What's his problem?
BLAKEMAN: So, what else.

(Tim walks onto the stage, farts and sits down.)

BLAKEMAN: Oh, yeah. What a bright future you've all got, children of the world, etcetera. Right. As you've seen, we have a new technology block. I'll be taking you over in groups to look at our amazing new facilities, starting with Form 10B.

[Technology block]

BLAKEMAN: There are Sixteen classrooms with broadband connections, but anything dubious your adolescent minds may be drawn to, I have locked out.
LUKE: I've signed us up for this. First meeting's tomorrow.
CLYDE: Lunchtime science club? And now I'm backing away.

(Parp)

BLAKEMAN: Shut up!
LUKE: Why is farting funny?
CLYDE: It just is.
LUKE: But it's a normal process of the human bowel.
CLYDE: Are you for real? It smells weird in here.
LUKE: Farts?
CLYDE: I don't know. Metal. Electric.
LUKE: Like batteries.

[Canteen]

CLYDE: Can I sit here?
MARIA: Only if I'm not gonna shame you.
CLYDE: Well, I either sit here with you or sit there with that.

(Some pupils are head-slapping the fat boy.)

MARIA: What, there's someone worse than me?
CLYDE: Just.
MARIA: So where are you from?
CLYDE: Hounslow. My parents split up, so I moved down here with my Mum.
MARIA: Like me. Only I moved with my dad.
CLYDE: Yeah? How's that?
MARIA: Better than them rowing all the time.
CLYDE: Yeah.

(Clyde lifts some grey yuk off his plate.)

CLYDE: What's wrong with that? It's mouldy. What kind of slop are they serving here? Is it leftovers from last term or something? Sir? Sir?
BLAKEMAN: What?
CLYDE: How am I meant to eat that?
BLAKEMAN: You just pick the bad bits off.
CLYDE: Great. That leaves me with a pea.
MARIA: Mine's off, too. That is disgusting.
CLYDE: What's wrong with this place? It stinks, the food's rotten. Something weird's going on here.

[Tech block]

BLAKEMAN: Goodbye, repellent pubescents. Until tomorrow.
JEFFREY: This skin, it's killing me round the legs.
BLAKEMAN: Right. Time for a test run.
TIME: Now? What about the caretaker?
BLAKEMAN: I've taken care of the caretaker. Everything's ready. Come on.

[Bannerman Road]

(Alan bicycles up as Maria gets out of Sarah Jane's car.)

ALAN: Oh, I see, you've cadged a lift, have you?
SARAH JANE: I offered.
ALAN: I don't know, Lady Muck, getting neighbours to chauffeur her around.
MARIA: Shut up, Dad.
ALAN: How was the big first day, then?
MARIA: Okay. A bit weird, though. The headmaster keeps farting.
ALAN: Really? What, noisy smelly ones or silent but deadlies?
MARIA: Eugh!
ALAN: What?
LUKE: The place stinks like batteries, and the canteen food was off.
SARAH JANE: I'll make you a proper tea. You go and get changed.
LUKE: Bye. See you, Maria.
MARIA: I want a proper tea too.
ALAN: Make it yourself. You might have a chauffeur, but I'm not your cook.
MARIA: Oh, whatever.
ALAN: No, forget it, it's all right. We'll phone out for a curry. Can't have you straining yourself after your long voyage home, can we?
MARIA: You think you're so funny.
ALAN: Yeah.
SARAH JANE: How do you get like that, you and Maria?
ALAN: Always been like that. Don't really think about it.
SARAH JANE: Anyway, the school can't be that bad, they've just built this. Someone donated the money and this technology block was put up over the holidays. It looks incredible.
ALAN: Hold on. I did an IT job in a school, in a new block that looks like that.
SARAH JANE: Was it built by Coldfire Construction?
ALAN: Yeah.
SARAH JANE: Where was that?
ALAN: On the other side of town. Saint Cheldons in Upminster. That place smelt odd. Sort of metallic. Anyway, better go. Stop her ordering the entire menu. Bye.

[Control room]

BLAKEMAN: Systems online.
JEFFREY: That's it.
BLAKEMAN: Now, synchronise the mega-wattage.
JEFFREY: Synchronising mega-watty. Er
BLAKEMAN: That one.

(Blakeman throws the red-handled switch and light flashes around the room.)

[Attic]

LUKE: I kept making social mistakes today.
SARAH JANE: I think I made one too. Driving you to school when it's round the corner, kissing you goodbye? Oh, we're both new hands at this.
LUKE: I don't know anyone except Maria and Clyde. Maria's in different classes to me most of the time. And Clyde thinks I'm uncool.
SARAH JANE: Clyde's not the only kid in the school.
LUKE: What if I make more mistakes?
SARAH JANE: Then you'll never make the same ones again. Listen, anyone is nervous starting a new school, a new job. I've never been a mum before.
LUKE: Do I have to go?
SARAH JANE: I could take you out, teach you here. I considered it. But you, Luke Smith, you're going to live a normal life. As normal a life as I can give you.
LUKE: What if I get it wrong again? It makes me feel stupid.
SARAH JANE: Remember, you saved the world the day you were born. Not many people can say that.
LUKE: No-one else can say that. That's the problem. Nobody else is like me. What are you doing?
SARAH JANE: Checking up on the firm who built your new block. Coldfire Construction. They started expanding eighteen months ago, contracts all round the world. Some odd things cropping up. Now they're putting up school buildings all round London. Well, it makes a change for me. Not aliens, is it.

[Control room]

JEFFREY: Stabilising. There!

[Jackson home]

CHRISSIE: Only me, come for a gawp. Oh, Alan, this is really kind of all right.
ALAN: Thanks, Chrissie, I really value your opinion.
CHRISSIE: Don't be sarky. Is Maria upstairs?
ALAN: I think it went okay for her today.
CHRISSIE: What went okay for her today?
ALAN: Her first day at the new school.
CHRISSIE: That was today? My mind's just been all over the place. Stress like you would not believe.
ALAN: So why did you come round?
CHRISSIE: Oh, to see my daughter, Alan. Do I need another reason? Oh, while I think about it, you were gonna give me that 13.5 tog double duvet? Only you don't need it, you've got the single. Maria, love, it's your mum!

[[Control room]

(Blakeman claims the privilege of the last switch.)

BLAKEMAN: Lights out, London.

[Jackson home]

CHRISSIE: School can't be that bad. I mean, like I said, it's a much better catchment area. Ooo, I've got to go, love. Ivan's taking me to the pub. It's opera night tonight. The waiters sing while you're eating.

(Power cut.)

ALAN: Oh, great.
MARIA: There's a torch.

(That works for about a second.)

MARIA: With a flat battery.
CHRISSIE: I'm not saying anything.
ALAN: I'll get the candles.

[Attic]

LUKE: Power cut?
SARAH JANE: Yes, Mister Smith's not responding. The computer just went pfft. And guess who forgot to save her work? I'll just see how long it's going be. If I can check the local power grid.

(Sarah Jane opens her 'watch'.)

SARAH JANE: That's impossible. It never loses power. It can't lose power.

[Jackson home]

ALAN: There we go.
CHRISSIE: It goes as far as I can see. It used to happen all the time when I was a kid. Always when there way something good on the telly. I remember once it went off right in the middle of Manimal. I was distraught.

(Alan lights the candles, which then go out. He tries again.)

MARIA: Weird. Why is that happening?
CHRISSIE: Give them to me.
ALAN: I can do it.
CHRISSIE: No, I'll do it.

[Control room]

JEFFREY: What was that?
BLAKEMAN: It's destabilising hell!
JEFFREY: Turn it off, turn it off! Turn it off!

(So they do.)

[Jackson home]

(Just as Chrissie successfully lights a candle. Then the other candles relight, one by one. The torch comes back to life and the lights come on. So does Sarah Jane's wrist computer.)

MARIA: What?

[Attic]

SARAH JANE: Weird.
LUKE: Must be faulty.
SARAH JANE: Or the same thing that cut the electric off cut this off.

[Tech block]

JEFFREY: Fantastic. Finally every station in the loop is working, but the stabiliser cuts out.
BLAKEMAN: I'll work out how to fix it.
TIME: You bought those plans off that Wallarian. You took his word it worked.
BLAKEMAN: I just need to sort out the storage problem, then it'll stabilise, okay?
TIME: Until then I'm stuck here, in this, teaching science on the planet Thick where they still haven't worked out string theory. Ooi, it chafes.
BLAKEMAN: Oh, shut up. Don't you get it? We're nearly there. One more step and we destroy this planet!

[Bannerman Road]

LUKE: Science is my first class today. Lab 2A, with Mister Jeffrey.
SARAH JANE: You'll be fine. See you, then.

(Luke walks on. Sarah Jane crosses the road to where Alan is forking the soil in the front garden.)

SARAH JANE: Oh, hi. Oh, I'm not interrupting?
ALAN: No, no, no. Just making a start. Had a much bigger garden in the old house.
SARAH JANE: Oh, do you miss it?
ALAN: Yeah, well, needs must and all that. Shame though, I had a lot of plans for that old garden. Just didn't plan on my wife running off with a judo instructor. You ever been married?
SARAH JANE: No. Never found time.
ALAN: Wise move. Anyway, sorry.
SARAH JANE: Oh yes, I was just wondering, that school you mentioned in Upminster. Saint Cheldons?

[Jackson home]

ALAN: I'm sure I've still got the plans here somewhere. Yeah, here we go. Cost a fortune. They had broadband installed, the works.
SARAH JANE: Where did the money come from?
ALAN: I don't know. Private funding. What sort of journalist are you exactly?
SARAH JANE: Oh, just this and that. Local stories. Nothing exciting.
ALAN: Maria was saying you'd travelled a fair bit?.
SARAH JANE: You could say that, yeah. What's that bit there? It's blank.
ALAN: I never went in. Coldfire kept that to themselves. It was all sealed off.
SARAH JANE: There's no door.
ALAN: What, you reckon they're hiding something, do you?
SARAH JANE: Ooo, something mysterious inside a school. That would be ridiculous, wouldn't it.
ALAN: Just a bit.
SARAH JANE: Do you mind if I keep this?
ALAN: No.

[Lab 2A]

JEFFREY: A transformer is an electrical device that changes the voltage of an alternating current supply, the AC supply, such as your, our mains electrical supply. Anybody know who invented the first transformer?

(Luke's hand shoots up.)

JEFFREY: You.
LUKE: Faraday.
JEFFREY: Correct.
LUKE: Though he didn't know what he could use it for.
JEFFREY: What?
LUKE: Faraday didn't know what he'd invented. I've thought about it, too. You could get rid of the transformers, get a better system and induct power instead.
CLYDE: Just pointing out, I'm nothing to do with him.
JEFFREY: Quiet! Name.
CLYDE: Clyde Langer.
JEFFREY: Troublemaker. Noted.
CLYDE: Okay.
LUKE: You're cool because you make trouble. Should I make trouble?
JEFFREY: I hear talking! What are you doing?
CLYDE: My pen's run out, I'm getting a new one.
JEFFREY: Let me see that.

(Tim sniffs the plastic bag.)

JEFFREY: Oh! What is it?
CLYDE: Cold chip sandwich. Made it this morning. Not chancing my life in that canteen again.

(Tim dumps the bag in a vivarium.)

CLYDE: Oi, what are you doing? You can't do that!
JEFFREY: You can wait until lunchtime and use the canteen like everybody else.
CLYDE: I'll report you for that.
JEFFREY: Go on, try it. (Parp. School bell.) Right. For tomorrow, a thousand words on transformers.
ALL: Oh!
JEFFREY: Two thousand!

[St Cheldons Comprehensive school]

HEADMISTRESS: Oh, it's hopeless, Miss Smith. Even worse this term.
SARAH JANE: I believe you had the wiring in your new block re-installed.
HEADMISTRESS: Didn't do any good. Computers keep crashing. And look. Look at this.

(Someone watches on camera as she takes an apple from her handbag.)

HEADMISTRESS: Fresh this morning. Everything goes off. And there's that smell, like batteries.
SARAH JANE: And this all started when you got your new technology block? Doesn't anybody care? Hasn't anyone tried to work out what's wrong?
HEADMISTRESS: One of the parent governors raised it at our meeting.
SARAH JANE: And?
HEADMISTRESS: Fell off his bike the next morning. Three months in traction. Can't you feel it, Miss Smith? Like a thunderstorm's coming.

(Sarah Jane looks up into the CCTV camera.)

WOMAN: Hello, Miss Smith. Bwahahahahahaha.

[Tech block]

JEFFREY: Incredible knowledge. This child, Luke Smith, he must be a freak.
BLAKEMAN: You really think he can help us?
JEFFREY: Yes. We'll use him to solve the storage problem.
BLAKEMAN: A fourteen year old human child?
JEFFREY: There's something's strange about him. These kids stink. Acne and grease and coats and crisps. But he smells fresh.
BLAKEMAN: When can you get to him?
JEFFREY: Very soon. We have a rendezvous.

[Lab 2A]

JEFFREY: Welcome to Lunchtime Science club. I had hoped for a slightly higher turnout, but never mind.
LUKE: There's only me.

(The fat boy enters.)

CARL: And me. Carl.
LUKE: Luke. Pleased to meet you. Hi.
JEFFREY: Carl's the science star of the school, supposedly. Though I imagine he's probably pretty rubbish compared to you. Take a look at this. Now, over the summer I've been having tons of jolly fun working on a new project. What do you make of this?
CARL: Er
LUKE: It's a model for a giant capacitor system.
JEFFREY: And purely theoretical, of course. Nobody could possibly build anything like this for real.
LUKE: You designed this?
JEFFREY: Yes. I'm wasted here. Do you like it?
LUKE: It's amazing. Let me see.
JEFFREY: Now, I have a problem. My purely theoretical problem is, anyone?
LUKE: Don't tell me. Oh, yeah. With this, you could store huge amounts of electrical energy. But there's a loophole. Here in the storage, it wouldn't stabilise.
JEFFREY: That's my problem. Well done. Gold star. (to Carl) No star.
LUKE: You went wrong here. You need to add an equation into the computer control.

(Luke starts writing on the whiteboard. Lots of undefined Greek characters and other letters.)

LUKE: Yeah?
CARL: I'll take your word for it.
LUKE: The power stabilises, all your problems are over.
JEFFREY: Yes, all of my problems are. (sotto) I don't know about yours, though.

[Sarah Jane's car/Playground]

(On the hands-free.)

SARAH JANE: And that school has exactly the same problem as yours. So I'm off to Coldfire Construction.
MARIA: Do you want me to do anything?
SARAH JANE: Yeah. Have a look round. See if you can find where that smell's coming from.

[Playground]

MARIA: Okay, see you later. Good luck!

(Clyde has bought a fish and chips takeaway.)

CLYDE: Who was that, then?
MARIA: Nobody.

[Lab 2A]

JEFFREY: Result.
BLAKEMAN: Yes, that's it. And he just handed it over.
JEFFREY: Hilarious. Humans. Even the clever ones are stupid.
BLAKEMAN: At last we will be avenged! We'll finish this planet tonight.

(Sarah Jane arrives at Coldfire Construction, on an industrial estate.)

[Playground]

MARIA: Someone looks happy. I had double maths this afternoon.
LUKE: Science club was brilliant. Mister Jeffrey's really nice. I think we're going to be friends.
MARIA: You don't make friends with a teacher.
LUKE: Why not?
MARIA: You just don't. Anyway, look, Sarah Jane phoned me. She wants us to look inside the new block.
CLYDE: What are you doing?
LUKE: We're investigating the new block.
MARIA: I left something in the new block.
CLYDE: What is it with you and her? I've seen weird people. I know weird people. But you two? You're beyond weird.
LUKE: Go find some normal people then.

[Coldfire Construction]

(A very tatty place for an international building firm. Sarah Jane is confronted by a large woman.)

JANINE: Can I help you?

[Tech block]

LUKE: That's not right.
CLYDE: I want answers. Where are you from?
LUKE: London. The layout of this building doesn't make any sense.
CLYDE: But where have you been all your life? You don't know farting's funny, you let your mum kiss you in public. Where was your last school?
LUKE: I've never been to school before.
CLYDE: What, your mum taught you at home?
LUKE: No. And Sarah Jane isn't my mum. There are sixteen classrooms in this building.
CLYDE: Hold on. So what's Sarah Jane to you?
LUKE: She adopted me.
CLYDE: Why don't you call her Mum?
LUKE: She doesn't want me to.
CLYDE: But what about your real mum and dad?
LUKE: I haven't got a mum or dad.
CLYDE: Everybody's got a mum and dad. I have a dad, somewhere.
LUKE: This block measures about one thousand five hundred and thirty nine metres squared, so double that for both floors. The area of each room doesn't add up to that. So there's an empty space. Through there. I think you should go home.

[Coldfire Construction]

(Janine is the woman who was watching Sarah Jane and the Headmistress at St Cheldons.)

JANINE: So what are you saying about our company then?
SARAH JANE: Miss?
JANINE: Oh, you can call me Janine.
SARAH JANE: Janine. I've been reading up as much as I could. It's not just these school projects in London. You've moved from country to country, hiring cheap local labour, no questions asked.
JANINE: Yes?
SARAH JANE: At your building in Santiago, workers refuse to go in. Food goes off. Endless technical problems. Valencia, Paris, the same story. And another thing. The plans for each building have a large empty area behind a wall. Why is that?

[Tech block]

LUKE: There's another room, a secret room, behind there.
CLYDE: I'll tell you this
LUKE: But how do you get inside?
CLYDE: Oh, I'm not getting through here. Stop being strange!

(Clyde leaves Luke alone.)

[Computer science room]

(Maria hides under a desk as Tim enters.)

JEFFREY: Who's that? Hello? I know you're in here. I can smell you. Oh, a little girl, fresh as a daisy. Sugar and spice and all things nice. She really shouldn't be hanging around school after home time. Not when I've got no reason to hide in this stupid skin any longer.

[Coldfire Construction]

SARAH JANE: I think that because these projects are so far apart, nobody connects you with the problems, so on you go.
JANINE: I strongly advise you to leave right now, if you know what's good for you.
SARAH JANE: Is that a threat?
JANINE: Yes.
SARAH JANE: What?

[Computer science room]

JEFFREY: After all, why should I hide?
(He unzipped his forehead.

[Coldfire Construction]

JANINE: Well, that was your last chance, Miss Smith. Be fair. I did give you fair warning.

(Janine unzips her forehead.)

[Computer science room]

(Tim's body suit falls to the floor, and the big green alien stretches to full height.)

JEFFREY: I am Slitheen! Oh, I love it when they run.

(Sarah Jane is also running.)

[Control room]

BLAKEMAN: Your Luke Smith's too clever by half. He's right outside.

[Tech block]

JEFFREY: There's another one. I'm after her now. Oh, it feels good, after so long.

[Control room]

BLAKEMAN: Rejoice in your hunt, brother.

[Coldfire Construction]

JANINE: I know you're in here. I can smell you. Mmm, what lovely perfume you're wearing, Miss Smith. You're positively fragrant.

[Tech block]

(Maria catches up with Clyde.)

MARIA: We are out of here now. Come on!
CLYDE: What?
MARIA: Where's Luke?
TIM [OC]: I know you're out there, girl.
CLYDE: That's only Mister Jeffrey.
TIM [OC]: And there's another one. A boy!
CLYDE: You are sad. Hiding from a teacher. What's he going to do, give you a detention?

(Then the Slitheen comes around the corner.)

MARIA: Come on!
CLYDE: Oh, no. Oh, no!

[Coldfire Construction]

JANINE: Run! It's no fun if you don't run. The smell of human fear. Love it!

[Tech block]

JEFFREY: Kiddies! Kiddiewinks! Run as fast as you can, I'm coming to find you.
(He roars.
Meanwhile, Luke is at the end of a corridor.)
LUKE: It's a door. And every door must have a door handle. About here.
(Luke puts his hand on the wall panel and it slides open.
Maria and Clyde hide under the stairs.)
JEFFREY: Children, children, come to me.
MARIA: We've got to get out of here.
CLYDE: We can't. We need to fight them.
CARL: Quick, in here!

[Control room]

BLAKEMAN: So Luke, how do you like our little science project?

[Lab 2A]

CLYDE: So where's Jeffrey? I heard him.
MARIA: That's Jeffrey, that thing chasing us.
CLYDE: Oh, I'll believe it. Why not?
MARIA: Thanks. Is there a way out through here?
CARL: No. There's no way out.

(Carl farts and unzips his forehead.)

MARIA: Oh, no.
CARL: Bwahahahaha! I am a child of the Slitheen, and this is my hunt!

Part Two

[Lab 2A]

CLYDE: Run.

[Control room]

BLAKEMAN: Come on, boy. Don't you want a closer look?

(Blakeman lunges for Luke, who dodges and runs out of the secret room.)

[Coldfire Construction]

(Slitheen Janine has got Sarah Jane within reach.)

SARAH JANE: Good sense of smell, have you?
JANINE: Oh, yes best nostrils in the galaxy, official.
SARAH JANE: And you like my perfume?
JANINE: Lovely.
SARAH JANE: Then sniff this.

(Sarah Jane sprays Janine's face with the contents of the bottle in her handbag, then smashes it on the floor. Janine screams with pain as Sarah Jane runs to the door, sonicks it open and drives off.)

[Tech block]

LUKE: I've found a secret room.
MARIA: Not now.

(The automatic doors to the block won't open.)

MARIA: Get it open.
CLYDE: It's locked.
LUKE: That thing's real, isn't it?
CLYDE: It's real.
CARL [OC]: This place is sealed. You're finished, right here, right now.
MARIA: This way.

(Maria runs past Carl. The boys head up the stairs.)

CLYDE: Maria!
LUKE: Hurry up!

[Car]

(Sarah Jane makes a hands-free call.)

SARAH JANE: Luke?
LUKE [OC]: Sarah Jane.
SARAH JANE: I was wrong. It is aliens.

[Tech block]

LUKE: Yeah, I know.

(He holds the phone out for her to hear Jeffery Slitheen roaring.)

SARAH JANE: Right, listen.
LUKE: She said make a smell. Make a big enough smell and you'll get away.
CLYDE: What'll we do, fart our way out?
LUKE: Would that be funny?
CLYDE: What?
JEFFERY [OC]: Come out, little ones.
CARL [OC]: They're nearby, Daddy. I can smell you.
CLYDE: A strong smell, think.
LUKE: A skunk?

(Luke takes an aerosol deodorant from his rucksack.)

CLYDE: Yes.
LUKE: Wolverine. Pure masculine action.

(The Slitheen come round the corner and get facefuls of perfumed spray. They stop, coughing.)

CLYDE: Go, go, go!

(Luke and Clyde run downstairs as Sarah Jane drives up outside.)

TIM: Hunt them.
MARIA: Wait for me.
LUKE: Sarah Jane!
MARIA: Come on, Sarah Jane!
LUKE: Sarah Jane.
MARIA: Sarah Jane.

(Sarah Jane sonicks the doors open with her lipstick.)

SARAH JANE: Into the car.
CLYDE: Come on, hurry.

(She sonicks the door locked again just as Blakeman and the Slitheen arrive.)

[Playground]

CLYDE: What's that?
LUKE: Sonic lipstick.
CLYDE: Oh, of course.
SARAH JANE: What is he doing here?
MARIA: Sorry.
SARAH JANE: Someone else's life in my hands. Just what I needed.

[Tech block]

JEFFERY: They're getting away.
CARL: That's not fair, Daddy. That woman cheated. I want my hunt.
JEFFERY: Come here.
BLAKEMAN: That woman had some sort of sonic disruptor. This is a level five planet, they're primitives. How did she get that? Who is she?
JEFFERY: The galactic police. She could be one of their agents.
BLAKEMAN: No, she's human. She smelt soupy. They all do. Still, if that's her only weapon, she's no big deal.
CARL: Daddy, I want my hunt.
JEFFERY: You'll have your hunt later, I promise. Tonight's the night the lights go out.

[Outside Sarah Jane's house]

CLYDE: I want answers. I've just been chased by aliens and you aren't even freaking out. Why? Who are you?
MARIA: You've got to go home. Forget this ever happened. Go home.
CLYDE: No, I'm part of this now. I want to find out the truth. What's in there and who's that woman?
MARIA: Just leave us alone, okay?
CLYDE: The police won't leave you alone when call them and tell them what happened. Show me.
MARIA: Okay.

[Tech block]

BLAKEMAN: At last. We've waited so long for this moment.
JEFFERY: Times have been hard.
BLAKEMAN: They've been closing in on us from all sides. Judoon, forcing us out, the other families against us. This will give us a new beginning. Wealth, security.
JEFFERY: When we have the money, what then?
BLAKEMAN: We'll buy a fleet of battle cruisers. Return home to Raxacoricofallapatorius. I shall smite the Grand Council, crush the Senate. The Blathereen and the Hostrozeen will beg for mercy at my feet! But we mustn't get carried away. First things first. We have the equation. Nothing can stop us. Now it begins.

[Attic]

(Sarah Jane is reading from her tiny wrist computer screen.)

SARAH JANE: The inhabitants of Raxa, Raxa. Oh.
LUKE: Raxacoricofallapatorius.
SARAH JANE: The outcast Slitheen Family are scavengers, thieves of others technology. Known to infiltrate low-tech planets by hiding in the skins of the dominant native species. Slitheen in Downing Street.
LUKE: What?
SARAH JANE: Something a friend said once. Gas exchange from skin compression often results in
LUKE: Farting. Farting's funny.

(Clyde and Maria enter.)

CLYDE: Right, what's going on in here?
SARAH Why don't you bring all your friends round. The whole school.
MARIA: If he tells anyone, who's going to believe him?
CLYDE: Whoa, wait. I've just had monsters from outer space on my back and no one's me what's going on.
SARAH JANE: Shut up for the minute, will you. I'm busy, and right now you're not important. Even if it is getting like Clapham Junction up here. Right. The Slitheen must have taken over Coldfire Construction, put up buildings all around the world. Why?
LUKE: I think know. There's a hidden room in the school. I saw inside.
MARIA: What's in there?
LUKE: I've got a theory. Mister Smith could help.
CLYDE: Who's that, your dad?
SARAH JANE: Mister Smith, I need you.

(The brick fireplace cracks open to reveal the supercomputer.)

MR SMITH: Good afternoon, Sarah Jane.
CLYDE: Oh, yes. Is that a computer?
MR SMITH: Who's that?'
SARAH JANE: Nobody. Mister Smith, Luke would like some help.
MR SMITH: Certainly. Hello, Luke.
LUKE: Hello, Mister Smith. Bring up our satellite image of London. Now plot the exact positions of every school put up by Coldfire Construction. Ealing, that's us.
SARAH JANE: St Cheldon's Comp, Upminster. Schools at Epping, Amersham, Richmond, Morden.
CLYDE: The ends of tube lines. If I'm allowed to speak. This is real. All of it's real. The talking computer's real, the Slitheens are real. Oh, yes.
SARAH JANE: Mister Smith, plot the position of every Coldfire building put up in the last eighteen months in the world.
MR SMITH: Accessing.
SARAH JANE: Paris, Sydney, Beijing. They're not all capital cities, they're spread out all over the place. They look pretty random. I know. Underground railways. They've all got underground railways.
CLYDE: You don't have to thank me.
SARAH JANE: Link them.
MR SMITH: London, Barcelona, Washington DC, Santiago, Los Angeles, Sydney, Beijing, Moscow, Naples, Paris.
LUKE: There's at least one Slitheen at every site.
CLYDE: And there are ten cities. Ten sites. Right, call the army.
MARIA: Oh right, because that always makes things better, doesn't it.
CLYDE: It's not your job.
SARAH JANE: There's a cleverer way of going about things. But what's it all for? What are they doing? The secret room, what was in there?
LUKE: Sarah Jane. I've done something really stupid. A really bad social mistake. I told the Slitheen how to destroy the world.

[Control room]

BLAKEMAN: I've input the boy's catalyst equation. Now it works perfectly. We'll take the night side first, Build up the charge section by section. And then. This is Glune Fex Fize Sharleveer-Slam Slitheen to all Slitheen units. Is everybody ready?

[Attic]

LUKE: It wasn't working until I gave them the answers.
SARAH JANE: Oh, Luke.
LUKE: The power cut last night was a test run.
MARIA: But our candles went out and that's not electric.
MR SMITH: 'When the capacitors are charged up they act as transducers, converting heat and light into electrical energy. That's how the loop works, it's not connected physically.
MARIA: But what has underground railways got to do with that?
SARAH JANE: The system must generate enormous heat. The underground railways must act as a cooling system.
CLYDE: Oh, I'm glad we sorted that out.
SARAH JANE: People getting ill, food going off, that's the effect of living or working next to the capacitors.
MR SMITH: Indeed. Even on standby, the transducers would cause cellular decay in organic matter.
LUKE: With this system they can drain every last drop of energy from the Earth. Our school's the last link in the chain.
MARIA: But it needs the whole chain all together to do that?
LUKE: Yeah.
CLYDE: We bomb the school?
SARAH JANE: If we could get in there, could you destroy the power system safely?
LUKE: I think so. If we reset the system, shut it down for just a second. I'd need a cutting tool.
SARAH JANE: What about this?

(The sonic lipstick.)

MARIA: Yeah, and how do we get past the Slitheen?
CLYDE: We bomb them?
MR SMITH: Sarah Jane, I've just picked up this report on an American news channel.
AMNN: Breaking news. There's a massive loss of power on the west coast of North America. Los Angeles has gone dark.
SARAH JANE: It's starting.
LUKE: And I told them how to do it. The day I was born I saved the world. Now I've helped to destroy it.

[Control room]

JEFFERY: It works.
BLAKEMAN: Section one down. Grazie, Napoli. Thank you. Moving to Section two. Hello, Washington DC.
USA [OC]: Howdy, London.
BLAKEMAN: Connect.

[Attic]

SARAH JANE: Mister Smith, give me everything you've got on the inhabitants of
LUKE: Raxacoricofallapatorius.
CLYDE: You're making that up.
SARAH JANE: Any weaknesses. Anything we can use to fight them.
MR SMITH: Accessing.
MARIA: Anybody could have made that mistake.
CLYDE: No, only he could.
MARIA: Clyde!
CLYDE: Well, duh. Let's have a High School Musical moment. A group hug'll sort everything out.
LUKE: You're right. As if a teacher could have worked out that diagram.
AMNN: And the power loss is spreading westwards. China is now without power, and it may be only a matter of time before the effect spreads here. Oh.
MR SMITH: I have lost the signal.
SARAH JANE: Anything on the Slitheen yet?
MR SMITH: Accessing.
MARIA: Come on!

[Control room]

BLAKEMAN: Section nine, clear. Dormez bien, Paris.
JEFFERY: That makes us next.
BLAKEMAN: So, synchronise the mega-wattage.
JEFFERY: Er
BLAKEMAN: Oh, for the love of Clom.

[Attic]

SARAH JANE: Mister Smith does like to take his time.
MARIA: Come on.
MR SMITH: Raxacoricofallapatorians. Calcium-based life-forms.
MARIA: Give us the weaknesses.
MR SMITH: Weaknesses. They are a naturally hardy race. However, their bodies are notoriously hyper-sensitive to

(The power goes out.)

MARIA: No!

[Jackson home]

RADIO [OC]: The Prime Minister has promised the blackouts will not affect the UK.

(The power goes out.)

ALAN: Thank you, Prime Minister.

[Attic]

SARAH JANE: We can't stop them without the sonic lipstick.
CLYDE: It's real. The end of the world, thanks to him.
MARIA: Will you shut up.
SARAH JANE: No Mister Smith, no sonic lipstick, no plan B. But we are the only people in the world who can stop this. And we will. Time to go back to school.

[Hallway]

CLYDE: Without the sonic thing we can't stop them. Plus they'll get us before we even reach there.
SARAH JANE: If you can't say anything useful, go home.
CLYDE: Wait. This morning, Jeffery, the Slitheen Jeffrey, he went mad when he nicked my bag.
MARIA: So?
CLYDE: What's a Slitheen gonna care about that? You saw him. He sniffed it. He was scared.
SARAH JANE: What was in your bag?
CLYDE: My books, some Tangfastics, and my lunch.
SARAH JANE: Well, what was in your lunch?
CLYDE: Cold chip sandwich. I made it this morning. I wasn't going to eat anything from the canteen of death.
MARIA: So what, the Slitheen are allergic to potato? Bread? Butter?
SARAH JANE: No, no, no. The Slitheen in the office, she was eating a sandwich. What was on those chips?
CLYDE: Just salt and vinegar.
MARIA: Salt. Must be it.
LUKE: If the Slitheen are made mostly of water, it would dehydrate them, like slugs.
CLYDE: No, they put extra salt in everything. Bread, butter. It's got to be something else. It's got to be the vinegar.
LUKE: Vinegar, that's acetic acid. It reacts with calcium.
CLYDE: Slitheen are made of calcium. I'm right. It's the vinegar.
SARAH JANE: Kitchen!

[Kitchen]

CLYDE: So what are we going to do, just stand there and throw pickled eggs at them?
SARAH JANE: Get it all into these.
CLYDE: I was joking.

(All the vinegar in the house is decanted into spray containers.)

MARIA: The car's not going to start. How do we get back to school?
SARAH JANE: We run.

[Control room]

BLAKEMAN: The capacitors are charged. Time for the coup de grace. The denouement.
CARL: Daddy, you promised I could do it.
JEFFERY: It's appropriate, don't you think? We are doing this for our children.
BLAKEMAN: Yes. A new beginning for a new generation of Slitheen. Go ahead, lad. Turn out the sun.

(Carl pulls the big lever.)

[Street]

MAN: The car just stopped. Engine's dead. They're all dead.
CLYDE: Right, so all this fighting aliens stuff, you've been doing it for years?
SARAH JANE: Not now, Clyde.
CLYDE: What, did you actually go up to the career guy at school and say, I want to defend the planet from alien invaders?
SARAH JANE: Not exactly.
CLYDE: What happened? How did it start?
SARAH JANE: It's a long story. If we survive, I'll be happy to tell you.

(Then it suddenly gets dark.)

CLYDE: What's going on?
LUKE: It's transduction, like the candles.
MARIA: They've switched off the sun.
SARAH JANE: They're draining its power.
MARIA: It's getting cold.
LUKE: We've got about thirty two and a half minutes.
CLYDE: Everyone's gonna die.
SARAH JANE: I told you, we're going to stop them.
CLYDE: What, the four of us with vinegar in plastic squeezies?

[Outside the Jackson home]

(Ex-wife Chrissie hammers on the door.)

CHRISSIE: Alan, where's Maria?
ALAN: She's at her mate's, I think.
CHRISSIE: You think? This is the end of the world.
ALAN: It's a power cut, Chrissie. It was on the news. I don't know, the nights are drawing in and you think it's the end of the world.
CHRISSIE: Look out there. The sun's blue, it's freezing. Where is Maria? Where is she?

[Control room]

(Carl spots them on the CCTV.)

CARL: Daddy, she's come back.
BLAKEMAN: So what? She's an old woman with a funny lipstick. End of.
CARL: My hunt!
BLAKEMAN: Uh huh. I think an adult'd better deal with them this time.

(Blakeman unzips his forehead.)

[Tech block]

CLYDE: They just let us walk in here.
LUKE: They want us here.
SARAH JANE: Well, what luck, because we want to be in here. The secret room?
LUKE: It's this way.
BLAKEMAN: Oh, human children. The stench of Haribo and chicken nuggets.
SARAH JANE: Get off this planet.
BLAKEMAN: Hush now. It's time to hunt. The hunt is an instinct with us. The only way to keep our food safe in the days when the Baaraddelskelliumfatrexius beasts wandered the plains of Raxacoricofallapatorius.
CLYDE: The what?
BLAKE: They're sort of like giant squirrels. We killed them all centuries ago, but the hunting instinct remains.
SARAH JANE: Now!

(Blakeman gets sprayed with vinegar.)

CLYDE: Didn't like that, did you?
MARIA: Vinegar. Get back.
LUKE: Sarah Jane, this way.
SARAH JANE: Maria?
MARIA: It's working. We're doing our bit, you do yours.
CLYDE: One step further.

(The nozzle is blocked. Blakeman lunges for them.)

MARIA: Keep back.
BLAKEMAN: You're afraid. A Slitheen girl your age would do it. Wouldn't think twice. But all the fight's gone out of you. You just stand there shaking in your shoes. That's why we survive. That's why you're losers. All of you on this rubbish planet. That's why we win.

(Maria pulls the top off the spray bottle and throws the vinegar into his face.)

BLAKEMAN: Oops.

(And goes Splat! all over the place.)

CLYDE: Oh, great.
MARIA: I did it. I exploded the Headmaster.

[Control room]

JEFFERY: One of the Family. Something's wrong.
CARL: Daddy, look.
JEFFERY: It's Glune. He's been vinegared. This is Kist Magg Thek Lutovin-Day Slitheen calling the Family. We are under attack. Glune Fex Fize is dead. Emergency Plan A. All operators here, now.
CARL: Daddy.
JEFFERY: Everything's going to be all right.

(The rest of the family beam in, wearing their skin suits.)

JEFFERY: They're here.

[Tech block]

LUKE: In here.

[Control room]

JEFFERY: And so are our uninvited guests.

(Janine grabs Sarah Jane, and a black man grabs Luke.)

JEFFERY: Behold, the capacitor. We drain the energy into these and store it. In ten minutes this planet's atmosphere gets snatched away, but we'll be safe and warm in here.
JANINE: And then a spacecraft picks us up and we sell everything we've collected.
SARAH JANE: Why are you doing this?
JANINE: The Family came here once before, just a routine job, but they never came back.
SARAH JANE: I think I might know what happened. Who happened.
JEFFERY: This planet will pay in blood. They were our Family.
SARAH JANE: And Luke is mine.
JEFFERY: This will give us a new beginning. My son won't have to live like I've had to, cringing in the darkness.
SARAH JANE: And I want my son to live, to grow up. I want what's best for him.
JEFFERY: Your stupid son gave us what we needed.
LUKE: I didn't!
JEFFERY: What?
LUKE: I thought I did, but I didn't. You made the mistake. When you showed me the diagram, you didn't tell me that you was going to steal power from the sun. It'll explode.
JANINE: It's a bluff.
LUKE: What's a bluff?
JEFFERY: Florm?
JANINE: Well, the boy might be right.

(Bang!)

SARAH JANE: It's happening. Turn it off.
CLYDE: You heard her, turn it off. There's vinegar in this.
JANINE: Water. That's a bluff.
MARIA: I knew that wouldn't work.
JEFFERY: If I reset the system, you can cancel the overload, make it safe?
LUKE: Yes.
JEFFERY: Right. Son, reset the system.

(Carl pushes the big lever back. The sun brightens up again.)

LUKE: It's reset. The system's off. Now I just have to synchronise the mega-wattage. Now!

(Sarah, Maria and Clyde free themselves.)

CARL: Daddy.
LUKE: Mum!
SARAH JANE: Luke!

(Sarah Jane throws the sonic lipstick to Luke.)

JEFFERY: Get him!

(The Slitheen chase Luke through the machinery. He manages to cut some wires with the lipstick.)

JANINE: It's going to blow up.
SARAH JANE: Out, now!
JEFFERY: It's out of control.
JANINE: Wait for me.

(The rest of the Slitheen beam out. Janine gets caught in an electric field and blows up.)

JEFFERY: Resynchronise the mega-wattage. Quickly, we've got to get out of here.

[Tech block]

(The door closes on Jeffery and Carl, trapping them.)

JEFFERY: You can't leave us in here. Use your sonic device, open the door. Open the door!
CARL: I'm only twelve.
JEFFERY: He's my son. Please, let him live.
SARAH JANE: Luke.
CLYDE: You can't let them out.

(But before Sarah Jane can act, the energy buildup disintegrates Jeffery, then Carl explodes and the door closes. The lights come back on.)

LUKE: It burnt itself out.
CLYDE: We did it.
SARAH JANE: He was a child, twelve years old.
CLYDE: It was them or us.

[Bannerman Road]

CLYDE: Some of the Slitheen got away, I saw them vanish.
LUKE: The machine's useless now. We broke the chain.
MARIA: Except there's buildings round the world with secret rooms and all that alien machinery inside.

(Sarah Jane finishes a phone call.)

SARAH JANE: Bye now. Love to the Brig. Just sorted that. Some friends of mine are going to clear it all up.
MARIA: Friends from UNIT?
SARAH JANE: Ah ha.
CLYDE: What's UNIT, a furniture shop?
CHRISSIE: Where were you? Come here. Oh, where've you been?
MARIA: We just went up town, grabbed some burgers.
CHRISSIE: The power went off. I was so worried.
ALAN: Now it's back on.
CHRISSIE: Oh, Sally Anne, bless you for looking after my Maria. My head was full of terrible things that could have happened.
ALAN: Okay, where have you really been?
MARIA: What do you mean?
ALAN: Such a useless liar.
CHRISSIE: Oh, shut up, Alan. Did you see the sun? It went blue. I mean I've heard of a blue moon, that's quite romantic, but it was terrifying.

[Jackson home]

ALAN: I was just going to make tea. Are you staying?
CHRISSIE: Er, don't tell me. Tuesday, Spanish omelette.
ALAN: As it happens.
CHRISSIE: So predictable. Go on then, twist my arm. Just this once, I'll suffer your cooking.
MARIA: That's brilliant.
CHRISSIE: Oh, sweetheart. I may not live here, but at least I'm still looking after you.
ALAN: Right, because I'm so useless.
CHRISSIE: You are. The sun went out and you lost her. She was off gallivanting with Suzie Q.
ALAN: Sarah Jane. Her name is Sarah Jane.
CHRISSIE: Oh, whatever. Sarah Jane. Tell you what, though. Funny things have been happening ever since you moved in here. I'm beginning to get suspicious.
MARIA: Suspicious of what?
CHRISSIE: Well, think about it, right. You move in, opposite Sarah Jane and everyone turns into zombies. Then you're with Sarah Jane and the pop factory blows up. Then you're running off with Sarah Jane and the sun goes out. Just ask yourself what have those things got in common? Or rather, who have they got in common, eh?
MARIA: I don't know.
CHRISSIE: Me. It's all happening to me. I just can't move for disasters. It's like I'm cursed.

(Maria hugs Chrissie.)

CHRISSIE: What's that for, sweetheart?
MARIA: It's because you're cursed.

[Lounge]

SARAH JANE: Here's your reward, a nice cuppa. Oh,do you mind? Just make sure you put that back where it belongs.
CLYDE: Is this from outer space?
SARAH JANE: No, Venezuela. You ask too many questions, Clyde.
CLYDE: Too late to stop me now.
SARAH JANE: I suppose. That's how I got started, asking questions.
CLYDE: But you never told me. How did you discover all this stuff, aliens and things?
SARAH JANE: I met this man called the Doctor. He was an alien, too.
CLYDE: What, like a big green thing?
SARAH JANE: No, he looked just like you and me, except he was nothing like you and me. He took me out into space far away from Earth.
CLYDE: You travelled through space?
SARAH JANE: And time. I saw planets and galaxies and all sorts of creatures, things you would never imagine.
CLYDE: So where is he now, then, this Doctor?
SARAH JANE: Still out there, still wandering, still wonderful. And he left me behind. With his legacy, I suppose. To help and to protect. To make a stand and to never give up.
CLYDE: He sounds cool.
SARAH JANE: Cool? Yeah.
CLYDE: So, are you going to see him again?
SARAH JANE: I hope so. The thing is, Clyde, you can't tell anyone about all these things. It's got to be our secret. Can I trust you?
CLYDE: Yeah. Promise.
SARAH JANE: Thank you.
LUKE [OC]: Sarah Jane, Maria's here.
SARAH JANE: Coming.
CLYDE: He's gone back to calling you Sarah Jane? It should be Mum.
SARAH JANE: Do you think?
CLYDE: Yeah, tell him.
SARAH JANE: Yeah, I don't know how.

[Attic]

MR SMITH: Diagnostic checks completed. All systems are functioning normally.
CLYDE: All right. While they're downstairs, where are you from?
MR SMITH: All systems are functioning normally.
CLYDE: Who built you?
MR SMITH: All systems are functioning normally. Beware your curiosity, boy.

(Mister Smith gives Clyde a small electric shock, and chuckles.)

MARIA: Freak weather conditions?
LUKE: Temporary reversals of the Earth's magnetic poles.
SARAH JANE: That's the one. Mister Smith, start a rumour. Insert the words temporary reversal of the Earth's magnetic poles into media reports.
MR SMITH: Confirmed.
CLYDE: I can't believe we can't tell anyone. I should get millions for what I did today.
MARIA: We all did it.
CLYDE: But who worked out the vinegar? Thank you, Clyde Langer.
MARIA: I'll walk you to the bus stop.
CLYDE: You were right. This is great. Weird, but great. And you lot need me. I can't believe you were going to save those Slitheen. They tried to destroy the entire planet. Billions of people. What was the big dilemma?
MARIA: Bus stop.
CLYDE: You were good. And if anyone says you're not cool, I'll set them right.

(Clyde shakes hands with Luke then leaves with Maria.)

SARAH JANE: He's right. Oh, you were amazing. Again.
LUKE: I nearly destroyed everything. I messed up.
SARAH JANE: I messed up. New block, the strangeness of it? Of all people, I should have seen it. Instead, oh, I sent you and Maria right in there and that was nearly the end of you.
LUKE: But I'm still here. Always will be. Mum.

Transcript originally provided by Chrissie. Adapted by TARDIS.guide. The transcripts are for educational and entertainment purposes only. All other copyrights property of their respective holders.

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