Doctor Who – The Ninth Doctor Chronicles

#1.04. Retail Therapy ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

Has anyone else noticed that you never hear anything about AVON anymore? I have distinct memories of my nanna being a representative for them when I was a little kid, and that my mam would sometimes drop the parcels off for her. I could never see the appeal of working for a pyramid scheme barely disguised as a cosmetics brand, especially not now; they’re still operating within Russia, despite sanctions placed on said nation after the 2022 invasion of Ukraine.

Some people believe they have a keen eye for scams and can’t be fooled. Ironically, this is why so many people still fall for pyramid schemes; their overconfidence can lead to them dismissing warning signs, assuming they’re immune to falling victim to fraud.

If only somebody had told Jackie Tyler this: she might not have launched an alien invasion from her sitting room…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Jackie Tyler is a success. Every home should have a Glubby Glub, and Jackie is star saleswoman on the Powell Estate. At last, she’s found her calling and it's only a matter of time before she can give Rose the life she deserves. But the Doctor isn't impressed. Jackie Tyler isn't just filling peoples’ houses with useless clutter. He believes she’s launching an alien invasion…

◆ The Ninth Doctor

James Goss is one of the most popular writers working on the audio adventures, and is practically running the Torchwood side of things. It astounds me that ‘Retail Therapy’ is his first and only time writing for the Ninth Doctor, because his characterisation is absolutely on point: his dialogue certainly got a fair few laughs out of me! It’s clear that the Doctor either struggles with social niceties, or just doesn’t have the patience, and that’s always the vibe he gave off in Series One.

People were dragging Briggsy’s name through the mud when the trailer for this set dropped, because they thought his impersonation was utterly dreadful! I’ve been fairly harsh on him myself, but he’s been steadily improving throughout these four episodes. That’s why I can happily say that Briggsy delivers a fantastic performance in ‘Retail Therapy’. If the quality was always this high, then I actually wouldn’t mind another series of adventures featuring “Briggleston”.

He isn’t an emergency service for mothers. The Doctor hasn’t seen the Tardis laundry for a while; he thinks it might be sulking. He hates being teased. Humans have got such limited hearing, he’s not surprised that dogs take pity on them. Trouble is what the Doctor’s good at, though Jackie claims that he’s hardly Clint Eastwood! He’s got nothing against the odd knick-knack, somewhere he’s got a room full of snow globes, but the Glubby Glubs are just a bit odd.

◆ Rose Tyler

Rose becomes something of a supporting character in ‘Retail Therapy’. I honestly don’t mind her being treated as such, because she still receives some excellent dialogue and moments with her mother. It’d be magnificent though if Goss could write something where Rose was the focal point; possibly even an episode of ‘The Dimension Cannon’.

Credit where credit is due: this was a fantastic performance from our Briggsy. I’m confident in saying that he’s mastered his Billie Piper impersonation, and I wouldn’t mind hearing it again.

Just because the Glubby Glubs are pink and weird, doesn’t mean they’re alien. Rose just thinks they look tacky. She thinks it’s nice to see her mum having a project, being a success, even if it is just flogging stuff to the neighbours.

◆ Jackie Tyler

Jackie has always been one of the most likeable characters. A single mother from a working class background, she’s always tried her hardest to give her daughter a good life. She also has bundles of attitude and can deliver an impressive slap when needed! ‘Retail Therapy’ is one of the greatest episodes for Jackie. The reasons she gives for signing up to be a Glubby Glub representative are really sweet too; she’s been saving up money in the hopes of buying a place in the Costa del Sol, so that Rose has somewhere nice to visit when she comes home from her travels.

I don’t think anybody will be surprised that Camille Coduri steals the show here. I’m convinced this script was tailor made to play to her strengths, because all her dialogue is jam-packed with attitude and emotion. Whilst I do agree that she has been a tad overused in recent years – even making an appearance in that dire ‘Doom’s Day’ release – nobody puts on a show quite like her.

Jackie has just sold thirty Glubby Glubs: they’re the latest craze, and she can’t flog enough of them! Everyone has been telling Jackie how good she looks. It says on the Glubby Glub packets that they make you feel a million dollars, and they do. She’s been sleeping brilliantly, and she could swear she looks five years younger. Jackie doesn’t want the Doctor to be right; she hates it when he’s right. Mums have a role in life, they protect their daughters, and when they meet a man they watch them like hawks: they may like them, they may just put up with them, but they watch them and they know what to expect. The Doctor is different. He is offering Rose everything Jackie never could. She made ends meet: there were birthday presents, and the Christmas club, and so on. But travel, adventure, and exotic holidays? Forget it. Jackie’s whole life has been about making do, and the Doctor just turns up like he doesn’t care and takes Rose everywhere, gives her everything; he doesn’t even do what Mickey does and be nice to her face, and roll his eyes behind her back. She is nothing to the Doctor, and he makes that so clear to her.

◆ Overpriced, Alien Knick-knacks

Some of you might remember that two talentless YouTubers released a series of energy drinks, which immediately took the nation by storm. Speaking as somebody who works in retail, I saw customers trying to grab as many bottles of the stuff as possible; it became so chaotic that the company eventually had to limit sales to one bottle per person! It only took two years, but the hype surrounding PRIME has finally died out… probably because everyone realised that the taste is like swallowing perfume!

The point I’m trying to make is that everybody wants in on the latest fad, and the Glubby Glubs were no different. The easiest way to describe them was as eggs that were pink and squishy: the Doctor theorised that they were designed to be deliberately inoffensive, and that they were the vanguard of some alien invasion. Whilst they were based on extraterrestrial technology, they were actually manufactured by a corporation on Earth.

Glubby Glubs induced a feeling of relaxation, as well as drowsiness and memory loss, because they stole the energy from those who bought them and passed it on to the seller. Rather worryingly, they were also capable of draining the energy from a Tardis, and the Time Lords that piloted them.

Tycho Fairbank, managing director of the Glubby Glub Company, was essentially using these innocuous pink eggs as his own personal fountain of youth; explains how someone due to retire can appear to be in their mid-twenties, and be in peak physical health.

◆ Sound Design

Rose compares the Glubby Glubs to stress balls during this episode: they sound like a dog’s squeaky toy when you squeeze them, and purr like a cat when you stroke them.

◆ Conclusion

“I just wanted you to be proud of your mum, and know that there’ll always be somewhere for you.”

Every home should have a Glubby Glub. Not only are they supposed to make you feel a million dollars, but they also make you look ten years younger. It all sounds too good to be true… and unfortunately, it is. These innocuous pink eggs have been draining the life energy from every single customer, and redistributing it amongst the filthy rich! Is this just another money-making scheme, or the beginnings of an alien invasion?

This is one of the greatest episodes for Jackie Tyler. I don’t think anybody will be surprised that Camille Coduri steals the show here. I’m convinced this script was tailor made to play to her strengths, because all her dialogue is jam-packed with attitude and emotion. One of her scenes in particular was beautifully written: Jackie attempts to make peace with the Doctor over a bottle of shandy, whilst explaining to him why she became a sales rep for Glubby Glub. Her motivations are incredibly sweet and make a lot of sense.

‘Retail Therapy’ begins life as a comedy runaround, but gradually throws more and more heart-warming moments at you. I also adore that the story can basically be summed up as “Jackie becomes a saleswoman for extraterrestrial AVON.” This was a home run for James Goss, and a fantastic end to the box set.