Paradise Towers

Part One

(A young woman in yellow rags runs down the graffiti- covered walls of a corridor in a housing block, followed by the calls of a teenage gang. She is terrified.)

[TARDIS]

(Mel is enthusiastic about the view on the scanner of a swimming pool area with tables and chairs, and statuary in a shaded colonnade.)

MEL: Look, Doctor, look. There's the swimming pool, right at the very top of the building. Oh, it's wonderful. I can't wait to have a dip in that. Paradise Towers, here we come.
DOCTOR: That's the problem with young people today, no spirit of adventure.

[Potassium Street]

(The voices finally stop shouting, then two girls shout out.)

FIRE ESCAPE [OC]: It's no go. Leave her for another day. Cowardly cutlet!
BIN LINER [OC]: Leave her for the cleaners.

(The unseen girls leave, laughing, and the young woman starts to relax. Then a shadow falls across her and she screams.)

[TARDIS]

(The Paradise Towers promotional video continues on the scanner.)

DOCTOR: I think that's enough of that, Mel.
MEL: Why? It's great.
DOCTOR: Well, if you want to stay here watching a guide book when you could actually be enjoying the real thing, that's up to you.
MEL: You mean we're nearly there?
DOCTOR: Paradise Towers any second now.
MEL: Fantastic!
DOCTOR: You may want to lie by the pool doing nothing all day. I intend to explore. Paradise Towers is supposed to be a remarkable architectural achievement, I'm told. Won all sorts of awards way back in the er, twenty first century. Are you ready?
MEL: Ready? I can't wait.

(The TARDIS materialises in a small, rubbish filled square area.)

DOCTOR: Well, here we are.

(The Doctor opens the doors and Mel leaves. The Doctor collects his had and umbrella, and follows.)

[Outside the TARDIS]

MEL: Oh, no.

(The Doctor kicks over a box and a rat runs away.)

DOCTOR: Ah! Highly intelligent creatures. Just look at this.

(A stenciled image on the wall.)

DOCTOR: Extraordinary. Oh, and this.

(He picks up a circuit board.)

MEL: It's just rubbish.
DOCTOR: Nothing's just rubbish if you have an enquiring mind.
MEL: No, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Well, you never can tell.
MEL: You don't happen to know another planet with a swimming pool, do you?
DOCTOR: Why did I have to jettison the pool from the TARDIS?
MEL: Well, it was leaking.

[Fountain of Happiness Square]

(They move into a larger area with hanging foliage and statues, and a very battered vending machine.)

DOCTOR: There is a rather spectacular swimming pool on the planet Griophos, I understand.
MEL: Oh, we could try there.
DOCTOR: Just one snag.
MEL: What's that?
DOCTOR: It's for the exclusive use of the Gulmaris.
MEL: Who are they?
DOCTOR: A rather nasty breed of flesh eating octopi. Personally, I'd rather stay here and explore. I wonder what happened?
MEL: It's seen better days, that's what's happened. Still, now that we're here, I suppose I might as well see what the pool's like.
DOCTOR: That's the spirit, Mel. This could be fascinating. Are you coming?
MEL: Yes, but one thing, Doctor. If anything goes wrong and we get separated, we'll meet at the pool, all right?
DOCTOR: Oh, very well. But we've only just arrived. There's no need to start worrying yet.

(An crossbow bolt thuds into the wall between them.)

[Potassium Street]

(In a darkened passageway, a young man in black uniform speaks into a walkie-talkie.)

345/12: Caretaker number three four five stroke twelve subsection three reporting. I am proceeding along Potassium Street, corridor five six seven three, section two oh one, opposite door seven eight two on floor thirty five, north side. Over.

(The nasal voice of a total jobsworth answers him.)

CARETAKER [OC]: This is the Chief Caretaker speaking. We are receiving you, Caretaker number three four five stroke twelve subsection three. Make your report.
345/12: Considerable evidence of multi-coloured wall-scrawl all along this part of street. Wall Scrawlers obviously active here. Over.
CARETAKER [OC]: Report noted. Proceed now to report on corridor five six seven three, section three oh one.
345/12: Very good, Chief.

(The young man walks along the street until his foot touches a piece of ragged cloth. He picks it up and report in.)

345/12: Caretaker number three four five stroke twelve subsection three reporting. I, I
CARETAKER [OC]: Chief Caretaker speaking. We are receiving you, Caretaker number three four five stroke twelve subsection three. You are to proceed to section three oh one. What's the matter?
345/12: I, I'm scared, Chief.

[Fountain of Happiness Square]

(Mel and the Doctor are surrounded by young women with dyed red hair to match their clothes. They all have small crossbows.)

DOCTOR: At least tell us who you are.
BIN LINER: We're the Kangs.
FIRE ESCAPE: Red Kangs. Red Kangs are best. Who's best?
RED KANGS: Red Kangs, Red Kangs, Red Kangs are best.
BIN LINER: So, who's best?
DOCTOR: The Red Kangs, I gather. There are other colour Kangs?
BIN LINER: Yeah, the Blue Kangs but they're
RED KANGS: Cowardly Cutlets.
FIRE ESCAPE: And the Yellows, but they're only one now.
DOCTOR: Why is that?
BIN LINER: Just is.
DOCTOR: Not got very enquiring minds, have you?
MEL: Quiet, Doctor.
BIN LINER: Are you a Blue Kang?

(Mel is wearing a mostly blue spotted outfit.)

MEL: No. No, I'm not a Kang. I'm Mel. I don't know what the Kangs are.
FIRE ESCAPE: We're the Kangs. Red Kangs.
DOCTOR: Who are, of course, the best. They seem to be some sort of gang. All girls, by the looks of it. Perhaps they'll ask you to join up, Mel.
MEL: I hope not.
BIN LINER: Bin liner.
DOCTOR: Pardon?
BIN LINER: Bin Liner. Mel. Bin Liner.
DOCTOR: Ah, now we're getting somewhere. I'm the Doctor.
FIRE ESCAPE: Fire Escape.
DOCTOR: How do you do.

(The Kangs block the Doctor as he tries to shake hands.)

DOCTOR: I was only trying to be friendly.
BIN LINER: Friendly?
DOCTOR: Say hello. Hello? Hello?
FIRE ESCAPE: Ah, he wants to how you do. Do we?

(She steps forward and raises her right hand in a fist, opens it and pulls it down with her left hand, then repeats with the other hand. Finally she claps her hands and opens them out, palms towards the Doctor. He puts his palms on hers. Fire Escape steps back and the Red Kangs all give a little curtsey and nod. The Doctor goes through the routine then rolls his hat down his arm and back up onto his head. The girls curtsey again.)

DOCTOR: You don't have to do that. What about Mel, then?

(The Red Kangs fold their arms and turn away.)

DOCTOR: What's the matter?

(Fire Escape goes up to Mel then turns her back.)

FIRE ESCAPE: You we like, Doctor. What you wear is high fabsion and ice hot, for an old one.
DOCTOR: Oh, thank you very much. But clothes don't maketh the man, you know.
BIN LINER: No, but Kangs all have colours. Blue, yellow, red. What is Mel's colour?
MEL: Oh, I don't have a colour. And I don't want to be a Kang.
FIRE ESCAPE: We don't want you to be a Kang. Not a Red Kang.

[Corridor 5673]

(The young Caretaker reports in again.)

345/12: Caretaker number three four five stroke twelve subsection twelve here. I am proceeding along corridor five six seven three towards section three oh one on floor thirty four, north side. Chief?
CARETAKER [OC]: What is it now?
345/12: Do I have to?
CARETAKER [OC]: Orders are orders. Number one rule of the Caretakers, Caretaker number three four five stroke twelve subsection three.

(As 345/12 goes round the corner, a young woman in blue comes out of hiding behind him. The young man's voice gets fainter as he walks away.)

345/12 [OC]: Chief, listen. Something's going wrong. I know it's going wrong. After (unintelligible), can't I just
CARETAKER [OC]: No, Caretaker number three four five stroke twelve subsection three, you can't.
345/12 [OC]: But, Chief.
CARETAKER [OC]: Orders are orders. Number one rule of the Caretakers, Caretaker number three four five stroke twelve subsection three.

(Once he is out of earshot, the Blue Kang picks up an internal telephone and dials.)

BLUE KANG: Yellow Kang the last believed unalive. Reason not known.
(She puts the phone back and leaves in the opposite direction to the young Caretaker.
Elsewhere, the real life item depicted in the stencil the Doctor saw on the wall is trundling along, vicious screwthread for one arm, circular saw for the other. It is towing a large rubbish bin with a foot sticking out of it. The last Yellow Kang has been cleaned up.)

[Fountain of Happiness Square]

(The Doctor is at the centre of a dancing group.)

RED KANGS: Red Kangs, Red Kangs, Red Kangs are best. Red Kangs, Red Kangs, Red Kangs are best. Red Kangs, Red Kangs, Red Kangs are best.
DOCTOR: Red Kangs are best. Yes, well, now, that we've been introduced, I think that some explanations are in order. We're visitors to Paradise Towers, only just arrived, so you can't really expect Mel to understand what you're talking about.
BIN LINER: No visitors.
DOCTOR: Pardon?
BIN LINER: No visitors, no ball games, no fly posts, no visitors.
DOCTOR: You mean visitors aren't allowed?
BIN LINER: No visitors ever.
FIRE ESCAPE: Not since time start.
DOCTOR: There's always a first time. I mean, not everyone you're going to meet's going to be a Kang.
FIRE ESCAPE: No, there are Old Ones, and the Caretakers and the
BIN LINER: Raita!
DOCTOR: And?
BIN LINER: That is all.
DOCTOR: I see. And who are these, er, Caretakers?
BIN LINER: They wipe away our wallscrawl, chase us down Carrydoors, catch us if they can.
DOCTOR: I see. And all the young ones are Kangs.
FIRE ESCAPE: Yes.
DOCTOR: Or girls, I should say. There don't seem to be any boys.

(The Doctor nods towards the TARDIS. Mel takes the hint.)

FIRE ESCAPE: Boys? Boys? What are boys? There are Old Ones, and the Caretakers and Kangs and the (Bin Liner gives her a Look). That is all.
DOCTOR: I see. Well, I must say it's been nice meeting you, but I think it's time we ought to be on our way> Don't you think so, Mel?
MEL: Yes, Doctor. Not a moment to lose.

(The Red Kangs surround them again.)

BIN LINER: We heard you talk of the pool.
FIRE ESCAPE: The Great Pool in the Sky.
DOCTOR: Did you? Oh, I expect your ears were playing tricks on you.
BIN LINER: You're coming with us to our hide-in.

(They tie Mel and the Doctor's hands behind their backs.)

DOCTOR: I wonder if Blue Kangs behave like this.

[Floor 34 North]

345/12: As instructed, I'm proceeding along corridor

(A burst of noise comes from his walkie-talkie.)

345/12: Chief? Chief? Are you receiving me? Chief!

(The Robot Cleaner comes round the far corner.)

345/12: No. No, it can't be. The Chief told us.

(A second one approaches him from the rear.)

345/12: Chief!
CARETAKER [OC]: Yes, Caretaker number three four five stroke twelve subsection three.
345/12: Oh, thank goodness you're there, Chief.
CARETAKER [OC]: Now don't panic, Caretaker number three four five stroke twelve subsection three.
345/12: Chief, it's, it's

(The second Cleaner touches his back. He turns and is grabbed by the throat.)

345/12: Argh!
CARETAKER [OC]: Yes, I know.

[Fountain of Happiness Square]

DOCTOR: The art of knot tying hasn't died out here, anyway.
MEL: I thought they liked you.
DOCTOR: They liked my clothes, which is clearly not enough.
BIN LINER: Are they tied and true?
RED KANG: Yes.
BIN LINER: Ready, Fire Escape.

(Fire Escape is using a telephone.)

FIRE ESCAPE: Red Kang I-spy says we can't go through usual carrydoor, Blue Kangs out and lurking.
BIN LINER: And the Yellow?
FIRE ESCAPE: No Yellows. All unalive now.
BIN LINER: All?
FIRE ESCAPE: All.
DOCTOR: Excuse me.
FIRE ESCAPE: What?
DOCTOR: Did you say a whole tribe of Yellow Kangs have been wiped out, I mean, made unalive, just like that? But why? You didn't kill them, did you?
FIRE ESCAPE: To make unalive is not part of the Kang way. No ball games, no fly posts, no wipe-outs.
DOCTOR: Who did it, then? The Caretakers? The Blue Kangs? I mean, who?
FIRE ESCAPE: It takes place.
BIN LINER: Come on. We've been in the open spaces too long. We must go. Ware Blue Kangs. Build high for happiness.
RED KANGS: Build high for happiness.

[Caretaker Headquarters]

(The Caretaker is watching the cleaners on the wall screen.)

CARETAKER [OC]: A nice little snack coming up for you, my beauty, so you'll grow up big and strong. That's Daddy's little pet.
DEPUTY [OC]: I've located a whole group of them, Chief. Large as life, twice as nasty.
CARETAKER [OC]: Excellent. Attention all Caretakers. Abandon further work on master plan QYT, and as set out in regulation book One Four Five proceed instead into Standard Emergency Plan nine oh eight B.
DEPUTY [OC]: Emergency plan nine oh eight B. Certainly.
CARETAKER [OC]: That is correct. Seize all Red Wall-Scrawlers in Fountain of Happiness square. Now!

[Staircase]

DOCTOR: Sorry about the pool, Mel.
MEL: That's all right, Doctor.

(Caretakers approach them from the front. The Kangs retreat.)

DEPUTY: All right, you Wall Scrawlers. Let's be having you.

(The Doctor falls at the bottom of the stairs. Mel runs with the Kangs.)

[Fountain of Happiness Square]

DEPUTY: Who are you?
DOCTOR: That doesn't matter. Are you the Caretakers?
DEPUTY: Yes.
DOCTOR: And you take care. Of people, that is.
DEPUTY: Maybe.
DOCTOR: You seem to be our best bet so far, don't you think so, Mel? Mel? Where's Mel?
DEPUTY: No, no, no, sunbeam. You're coming with us.

[Corridor]

(Mel stops and the Kangs run on.)

MEL: Doctor? Doctor? Doctor? Oh, damn it. What now?

(A woman in pink comes out of apartment 1236.)

TILDA: Cooee. Cooooeeee. Would you care for a cup of tea?
MEL: Hello.
TILDA: I said, would you like a cup of tea and some cakes?
MEL: Yes, thank you.

[Tilda and Tabby's home]

(Inside, a large woman in blue bustles about.)

TABBY: Is she coming, Tilda?
TILDA: Yes.
TABBY: How does she look?
TILDA: Very nice.
TABBY: Ooo. Is she fat?
TILDA: Shush, shush. Oh, she's nearly here, dear. Oh, my goodness, Tabby. Look at that table. Quick.

[Outside Tilda and Tabby's home]

MEL: Hello.
TILDA: My friend Tabby is just tidying up. We're both very house proud, you see. Particularly when we have guests. Yes, I think it's all right to go in now.

[Tilda and Tabby's home]

TILDA: Come in, dear. I'm Tilda, by the way. What's you name?
MEL: Mel.
TILDA: Oh! Mel. Mel. What a delicious name. Tabby, this is Mel.
MEL: Hello.
TABBY: Hello, dear. Come in and make yourself comfortable.
MEL: Thank you.

(Mel walks past the ladies, and they notice that her hands are bound.)

TABBY: Ohm look at your poor hands. We can't allow that, can we, Tilda?
TILDA: Of course not. Sit down, dear. Let Tabby untie you. I'll put the kettle on.
TABBY: Sit down, dear. Oh, you must have been having a horrid time. You poor girl. Who did this to you?
MEL: The Kangs. The Red Kangs.
TABBY: Oh, those Kangs, they're naughty girls. You're not a Kang are you?
MEL: Oh, no.
TILDA: No, we didn't think you were somehow. They're nasty, untrusting girls, who would never take a cup of tea from two harmless old folks like us, would they, Tabby.
TABBY: Oh no, dear, no. There you are.
MEL: Oh, thank you.
TABBY: Oh, Mel's not at all like a Kang. She's a nice, polite, clean, well spoken girl. Just the sort we like.
MEL: Excuse me.
TABBY: There you are, Tilda, what did I say. Lovely manners, saying excuse me before asking a question. What was it, dear?
MEL: I was just going to ask who you were. I mean, like the Kangs are the Kangs, and the Caretakers are
TILDA: Oh, silly, us. We're the Rezzies. (Tilda puts a tray on the coffee table.)
MEL: The Rezzies?
TABBY: Yes, well, we're some of the Rezzies, anyway. We have a few like-minded friends here and there in the Towers.
MEL: Have you always lived here?
TILDA: Oh, we've been here for ever such a long time, if that's what you mean. How about you?
MEL: Oh, I'm just visiting.
TABBY: A visitor. Well, well. Must be a long time since the Towers saw any of those, eh, Tilda?
TILDA: Takes you back, doesn't it.
MEL: Does it? What was it like before?
TILDA: Oh, never mind about that, dear. Have some tea and cakes.
TABBY: Oh, yes.
MEL: Thanks, I'm really hungry.
TABBY: Yes. You're a thin little thing, aren't you? Oh, but never mind, dear. Tilda and I will feed you up.

(Tilda spoons lots of sugar into Mel's cup while Tabby holds out a plate of massive chocolate chip cookies.)

[Corridor]

DOCTOR: Well?
DEPUTY: You're allowed to stop one and a half minutes for every three thousand steps walked.
DOCTOR: And that means?
DEPUTY: You can stand still for a while.
DOCTOR: Oh, very generous of you. It must be a job trying to keep these corridors clean and tidy like this.
DEPUTY: Oh yes, especially the wallscrawl.
DOCTOR: Oh, that's what you call them. Wallscrawlers.
DEPUTY: Yes. Dirty pests. Well, look at it.
DOCTOR: By my two tickers, what's that?
DEPUTY: What's what?

(The Doctor goes over to a piece of graffito.)

DOCTOR: It looks like a Kang, and something attacking her. Some sort of claw. Oh here, there's a drill and down here there's a nozzle sucking things up.
DEPUTY: Yes, well, the Wallscrawlers make up a lot of silly pictures.
DOCTOR: Let's hope they're just silly pictures. What's that?
DEPUTY: I don't hear anything. Look, sunbeam, if there was anything wrong, there'd be instructions in here about how to deal with it, wouldn't there? Hmm?

(A Robotic cleaner comes round the corner behind them.)

DOCTOR: Oh, I see. It's some sort of robotic cleaner with automotive bicurval scraping blades. Impressive workmanship.
DEPUTY: You don't understand.
DOCTOR: No, I don't, but I intend to. Now, let's have a look at this automotive blades, shall we? Ah, yes.

(The Robot cleaner extends its central arm to reveal the claw as depicted in the graffito.)

DOCTOR: Do you usually do what I usually do in these circumstances?
DEPUTY: What's that?
DOCTOR: Run!

[Tilda and Tabby's home]

(Tilda has finished her snack and has taken up her knitting.)

TILDA: Of course, in the old days things were very different, weren't they, Tabby.
TABBY: Oh, very different, Tilda.
MEL: So what happened?
TABBY: Well, my memory's not what it was, but one thing followed another and before we knew where we were, we were in the pickle we are today.
TILDA: Now everybody has to fend for themselves, take what they can find. Have another cake, Mel dear. Go on.
MEL: All right, then. So you were here from the beginning then?
TABBY: Oh yes, dear, yes. Ever since the Great architect finished Paradise Towers and all the youngsters and all the oldsters were moved here.
MEL: And the rest, the in-betweens?
TABBY: Oh, well, I don't quite recall, but I think they had some else to do. A war to fight or something. All such a long time ago. I often wonder whether we won that war or not.
TILDA: I don't suppose we'll ever know now, Tabby.
TABBY: No, I don't suppose we will, Tilda.
MEL: Do you know anything about a swimming pool?
TILDA: A swimming pool? No, I don't think so. I've never heard of one. Have you, Tabby?
TABBY: No, I haven't, Tilda. No. Oh, you'd be far better off to stay here with us. Wouldn't she, Tilda?
TILDA: Oh yes, Tabby. She can eat and eat till her heart's content and get nice and plump and healthy, safe from those nasty Kangs.
MEL: It is very kind of you both, but I'm afraid I will have to go once I've finished my tea. It's very important.
TILDA: Oh, nonsense. There's no rush, dear. Finish your cake.
TABBY: No, we'll be very offended if you rush off so quickly. Won't we, Tilda?
MEL: Well, just a few more minutes, maybe.
TILDA: That's it, dear. There's plenty of time.
TABBY: All the time in the world. Make the most of the peace and quiet. (There is a loud knock at the door which makes them all jump. A young man batters his way in and produces a hand gun.)
PEX: Are these old ladies annoying you?
MEL: No!
PEX: Are you annoying these old ladies?
TILDA + TABBY: No, she isn't.
PEX: Oh.

(He lowers his gun.)

TILDA: And I do wish you would stop breaking through our door to try and save us.
TABBY: That's the third time we've had it repaired, and it's not though if we've ever been in any trouble.
TILDA: Apart from bits of door flying about all over the place.
MEL: Look, who exactly are you?
PEX: The name is Pex. I put the world of Paradise Towers to rights.

[Corridor]

DEPUTY: Quick! Get in the lift!
DOCTOR: But I thought you said the lifts here don't work?

[Lift]

DEPUTY: No, they don't.

(The Deputy Caretaker frantically stabs at the door close button to no avail.)

DOCTOR: Here, let me.

(The Doctor thumps the buttons with his umbrella. The doors close.)

DOCTOR: Going up?

[Tilda and Tabby's home]

(Pex is trying to mend the front door.)

MEL: No, I really do have to go but you have been ever so kind.
TILDA: Oh, it does seem a pity when we were so comfortable.
TABBY: You mustn't be put off by him.
MEL: Oh, I wasn't. Don't you worry. But I really must find my friend and the pool.
TILDA: You will come and see us again, won't you, dear?
TABBY: Maybe bring your friend.
MEL: Of course. Thank you for everything.
TILDA: Till next time, dear.
TABBY: Well, we'll be looking out for you, dear.
MEL: Yes, bye.

(Mel leaves through the hole in the door.)

TABBY: Would you mind going now too, please?

[Outside Tilda and Tabby's home]

PEX: Just a minute.
MEL: What is it now?
PEX: You're going on a dangerous journey.
MEL: So?
PEX: You need me to protect you.
MEL: I most certainly do not.
PEX: But that's my job. I am Pex. I put the world of Paradise Towers to rights.
MEL: Yes, I know all that, but I still don't need you.
PEX: Well if you don't need a protector, then you might need a guide. Somebody who knows their way about.
MEL: All right. I may live to regret this.

[Caretaker Headquarters]

(The Chief Caretaker watches the Doctor and his deputy exit the lift on the screen and we finally get to see that it is - Richard Briers, totally out of his usual gentle comedy character and complete with nailbrush moustache.)

CARETAKER: I don't believe it. It's not possible. It can't be. It could be.

[Communal area]

(The Blue Kangs have built a pyramid and put a yellow shift on it. They place their crossbows at its base and kneel.)

LEADER: Hail the Kang. Hail the unalive Kang. Yellow of colour, but brave and bold as a Kang should be.
BLUE KANGS: Hail the Kang. Hail the unalive Kang. Yellow of colour, but brave and bold as a Kang should be.

(Mel and Pex hear the girls and walk towards the sound.)

MEL: Pex, what's going on? Pex, what's happening in Paradise Towers?
BLUE KANGS: Brave and bold as a Kang should be. Brave and bold as a Kang should be.

[Caretaker Headquarters]

(The Deputy brings the Doctor in.)

DEPUTY: Chief!
CARETAKER: Later, Deputy. Release him. Greetings.
DOCTOR: Greetings.
CARETAKER: I am the Chief Caretaker.
DOCTOR: And I am
CARETAKER: No need to tell me. I know who you are. We have been waiting for this momentous visit for so many years. You are the man who brought Paradise Towers to life. The visionary who dreamed up its pools and lifts and squares. And now you have returned to your creation. You will make all those dilapidated lifts and rise and fall as they've never done before. All signs of wallscrawl will disappear from the corridors of Paradise Towers. The floors will gleam and the windows will shine, and will be made as new. Fellow Caretakers, do you know who this is? This is the Great Architect returned to Paradise Towers. Bid him welcome. All Hail the Great Architect, all hail.
CARETAKERS: All hail the Great Architect.
DEPUTY: What shall we do with him now then, Chief?
CARETAKER: Kill him.
Part Two

[Caretaker Headquarters]

DOCTOR: Wait a minute! Listen.
CARETAKER: Why?
DOCTOR: Well, I'm not the Great Architect. I'm the Doctor.
CARETAKER: Oh, the Doctor now, is it? He always was an artful one, the Great Architect. Make the preparations will you, Deputy?
DEPUTY: Very good, Chief.
DOCTOR: You can't condemn me without trial, without evidence, without proof. I mean, I don't even know who this Great Architect is.
CARETAKER: The three two seven appendix three subsection nine death, I think.
DEPUTY: Three two. Very good, Chief.

(The communications panel trills.)

CARETAKER: Oh, that would happen just now. Yes? Oh dear, oh dear. Poor Caretaker number three four five stroke twelve subsection three. What, now? Yes, all right, all right, there's no need to quote the rule book at me, Caretaker number five seven nine stroke fourteen subsection eight. I'll come.
DOCTOR: Anything the matter?
CARETAKER: Nothing that isn't under control, thank you, Great Architect. An unfortunate accident has happened to Caretaker number three four five. I am required by the rulebook to go and investigate. The three two seven appendix three subsection nine death will be postponed till I return. In the meantime, you will guard the Great Architect here with your lives. Understand?
DEPUTY: Yes, Chief, no problem.

[Corridor]

PEX: Mel?
MEL: What is it now?
PEX: Mel, watch this. Oh, go on. Please?
MEL: I'm in a hurry. You know that. And that ceremony in the square gave me the creeps.
PEX: It won't take a moment.

(Pex pulls a lighting unit from the wall and bends its metal support.)

MEL: Well?
PEX: I'm a finely tuned fighting machine. I work out everyday.
MEL: Pex.
PEX: Practice martial arts.
MEL: Pex!
PEX: Run the length of seventy
MEL: Pex, if you could bend that back into shape and put it where it came from, it might be more use. But you can't, can you.
PEX: Well, that's not my job. I'm Pex.
MEL: I know, and you're here to put the world of Paradise Towers to rights.
PEX: Yeah.
MEL: Well, go on. I've got to find my friend and I can't waste anymore time.
PEX: Mel!

[Fountain of Happiness Square]

(The Red Kangs have gathered when Fire Escape enters.)

FIRE ESCAPE: Build high for happiness.
RED KANGS: Build high for happiness.
FIRE ESCAPE: All sound and safe?
BIN LINER: The un-young Doctor and the girl who isn't a Kang are lost for now.
FIRE ESCAPE: And No Exit?
BIN LINER: No Exit's not here.
FIRE ESCAPE: Where is she?
BIN LINER: Was on Talkyphone three before Caretakers attacked.
FIRE ESCAPE: Not now? Mayhaps No Exit's returned to Red Kang Headquarters.
BIN LINER: Mayhaps or
FIRE ESCAPE: Or?
BIN LINER: No Exit's unalive.
FIRE ESCAPE: Taken to the cleaners?
BIN LINER: Yes, taken to the cleaners.

(Somewhere in the basement of the Towers, the Cleaner with the Yellow Kang in it's rubbish bin trundles up to a No Entry door which slides up for it and into an area filled with red hot air and steam. )

[Caretaker Headquarters]

DOCTOR: Shall I tell you what puzzles me most? Those cleaners we had so much trouble with. Well, presumably they're part of the organisation of Paradise Towers like your Caretakers. So why should they attack you?

(Neither the Deputy or the other Caretaker guarding him answer.)

DOCTOR: And another thing. I don't know why you're so keen to kill off the Great Architect. I thought you'd be delighted to have him here to put things to rights. It doesn't make sense. Does it? (silence) I'd hate to have to live my life by some boring old rulebook like you do. You must get fed up. Well, do you?
DEPUTY: No.
DOCTOR: Never?
DEPUTY: Never.
DOCTOR: I suppose how you guard me is in that rulebook.
DEPUTY: Yes. Rule forty five B stroke two subsection five.
DOCTOR: I wouldn't mind having a look at that rulebook, if that's not against the rules. I mean, after all, I am a condemned man.
DEPUTY: Hmm.

(The Deputy consults the rule book.)

DEPUTY: Yes, we can count that as your last request. You're entitled to one if you're to undergo a three two seven appendix three subsection nine death. Not a pretty way to go.

(The Deputy passes over the rule book and the Doctor leafs through it.)

DOCTOR: How extraordinary. No, no. It can't be true.
DEPUTY: What's that?
DOCTOR: Oh no, no. It's. You couldn't possibly.
DEPUTY: If it's there, it's true. Rules are rules. Orders are orders.
DOCTOR: If you say so. I don't want to make a fool of you.
DEPUTY: Read out what it says.
DOCTOR: Oh, very well, but I find it hard to credit
DEPUTY: Read it!
DOCTOR: It says here about a three two seven appendix three subsection nine death, that after you've been guarding the condemned prisoner for (checks his wristwatch) thirty five minutes, you must all stand up.
DEPUTY: But if we
DOCTOR: Yes, I know, I know, I find it extraordinary. I don't really expect you to do it. But it is in there.

(The Deputy and the Caretaker stand up.)

DOCTOR: The Caretakers present must then move five paces away from the prisoner.

(They do so.)

DOCTOR: Five. Close their eyes and put their hands above their head.

(The Doctor tiptoes up to the back of the Deputy and carefully picks his trouser pocket, removing his wallet containing a selection of cards.)

DEPUTY: How long do we do this for?
DOCTOR: For about a minute and a half. You see, that's how long the prisoner needs.

(The Doctor takes his umbrella from the Caretaker.)

DEPUTY: To do what?
DOCTOR: Find the key card to the door and escape.
DEPUTY: Sorry?
DOCTOR: Find the key card to the door and escape.

(The second one works.)

DEPUTY: Rules should always make sense. Why should we allow a prisoner

(He turns to see the door open slightly as the Doctor pulls his umbrella free.)

[Corridor]

MEL: Doctor? Doctor?

(Mel and Pex go one way as the Doctor appears in another.)

DOCTOR: Mel? Mel?

(The Doctor goes the way Mel and Pex have come from and up the stairs.)

DOCTOR: Mel?

[Fountain of Happiness Square]

(Mel and Pex come out on the catwalk over the Square.)

MEL: Oh no. We're back at the Square again.
PEX: I've been trying to confuse anyone who might be following us. It's part of the training.
MEL: Does your training include confusing yourself at the same time.
PEX: I'm not confused.
MEL: So you know where to go next to get us up to the pool then?
PEX: Of course.

(Mel goes down to the Square proper.)

MEL: Well then?
PEX: We go that way.
MEL: You sure?
PEX: Of course I'm sure.
MEL: Pex, can I ask you something?
PEX: What?
MEL: Why are you here?
PEX: What do you mean?
MEL: Well, there's no one else like you here, is there?
PEX: You can say that again. Shall I show you how
MEL: No! I think you've wrecked quite enough for one day. Tabby and Tilda talked about a war. They said that only the Oldsters and the Youngsters were brought to the Paradise Towers and the rest, the In-betweens, were sent off to fight and never came back. So how does it happen that you're here?
PEX: Isn't it obvious?
MEL: No, it isn't obvious at all. Pex, you say you want to help me get up to the pool and find my friend the Doctor, so I have to know.
PEX: I was sent here. The power to protect has been invested in me.
MEL: Who by?
PEX: By those who I am not allowed to name.
MEL: And that's the truth? Really, the truth? Then I have to believe you. It can't be safe hanging round this Square any longer.
PEX: You're in no danger with me around.
MEL: Are you sure?
PEX: Of course I'm sure. Come on. We go this way.

(Blue Kangs come out of hiding and follow.)

[Corridor]

DOCTOR: Mel? Mel?
(The Doctor goes to a painting on the wall showing a cleaner entering the No Entry area. He makes a note in his book.
Meanwhile, elsewhere, the Chief Caretaker is talking into his walkie-talkie.)
CARETAKER: Now the main thing, fellow Caretakers, is not to panic. Just because it appears that something unfortunate may have happened to Caretaker number three four five stroke twelve subsection three, we must not go leaping to conclusions. Careless chat about the Robotic Self-activating Megapodic mark seven Z Cleaners having got out of control is not going to help anyone, and may needlessly upset other Caretakers. Many explanations are possible for this unlucky accident. In the mean time, all Caretakers will patrol their assigned streets as before. I'm sure you will be quite safe.

(Beep.)

CARETAKER: Who did that? Oh. Yes?
DEPUTY [OC]: Chief?
CARETAKER: Yes, Deputy?
DEPUTY [OC]: The Great Architect has escaped.
CARETAKER: He's what!

[Tilda and Tabby's home]

(Tabby is finishing her meal, nibbling daintily on a bone.)

TABBY: Oh, that was delicious, dear.
TILDA: Thank you, dear.
TABBY: A little on the small side, of course.
TILDA: Well, I'm sure we could both have done with a little more. Nowadays you have to take what you can find. Perhaps something better will turn up before too long.
TABBY: Well, we can only hope so.

(A knock at the door.)

TABBY: Do you suppose it's that delicious little Mel.
TILDA: She did say that she'd come back. Come in.

(Enter a woman of their generation, in mostly orange. Everyone say Hi! to the delightful Judy Cornwell.)

MADDY: It's only me.
TILDA: Oh, Maddy, dear, how nice to see you.
MADDY: I'm not intruding?
TABBY: No, no. We're just finishing.
MADDY: You're sure?
TILDA: Of course. Have some tea.
MADDY: Oh, thank you very much. I just had to come over and tell you.
TABBY: Tell us what, Maddy?
MADDY: Another Caretaker's disappeared.
TABBY: Was it the Kangs?
MADDY: Well, they're trying to make out that it might be, but from what I've heard there's more to it than anybody's letting on. I mean, people just don't vanish, do they?
TABBY: No, no, of course not. There's always something left behind.

(Tabby drapes her napkin over her plate.)

[Corridor]

(The Doctor is getting out of breath. He stops to use a Emergency Only telephone.)

DOCTOR: Nothing ventured.

(It doesn't work.)

DOCTOR: Nothing gained. (He hits it and a lot of coins fall from the slot. Quickly, he uses his hat to try and collect them.)
DOCTOR: Jackpot! Issued by the Great Architect, Kroagnon. Kroagnon?

(A cleaner is powering its way towards him from behind.)

DOCTOR: Oh no, not you again. I've got too many things to work out. You really aren't helping. What do you want anyway? Is it my death?

(Another Cleaner is coming towards him.)

DOCTOR: Think calmly.

(The Doctor backs away to the wall by the telephone, and falls through. The Cleaners take swipes at each other instead.)

[By a lift]

(Mel and Pex come down some stairs and find the lift door is open.)

MEL: Oh.
PEX: Wait there. I'll check if it's safe.
MEL: Well?
PEX: It's safe.
MEL: Good.

(The Blue Kangs capture them.)

[Red Kang Headquarters]

(The Doctor wakes up on the floor.)

DOCTOR: Oh, what's happening. I don't understand.
BIN LINER: Build high for happiness, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Oh! Build high for happiness. What happened?
FIRE ESCAPE: You dropped down, Doctor. Whoosh! Into our Brainquarters. Where is the girl who is not a Kang?
DOCTOR: I only wish I knew. Fire Escape, Bin Liner, I never expected to see you again. Still less, I didn't expect to be glad to see you again. But I've got to go. There's much to be done.
BIN LINER: No way!
FIRE ESCAPE: No ball games, no fly-posts. No out-going.
BIN LINER: Why you here, Doctor?
DOCTOR: It was an accident. I was being chased by two cleaners and then suddenly
FIRE ESCAPE: Cleaners?
DOCTOR: Yes. I expect they've gone by now.
FIRE ESCAPE: Check for safe and sure on the Talkyphone.
DOCTOR: Do I get the impression I'm not believed?
FIRE ESCAPE: Cleaners make Kangs unalive.
DOCTOR: Oh, do they, now? Why don't you tell me about it?

(Fire Escape turns her back.)

DOCTOR: What is the matter with everyone in the Towers? I simply don't understand. I mean, the Cleaners go round killing people and carting them off and no one does anything to stop them. All you Kangs can do is draw wallscrawls on the subject all over the place.
FIRE ESCAPE: But the Cleaners have to
DOCTOR: I know, I've seen them. And the Caretakers, they're no better. They allow themselves to get killed off without saying anything either. Just because there's nothing about it in their precious rulebook.
FIRE ESCAPE: You mean to say
DOCTOR: I know because I've read it.
FIRE ESCAPE: There's a wipe-out of Caretakers as well?
DOCTOR: Oh, don't tell me you don't know. I mean, what is going on? I mean, what is behind that door belching out smoke that you Kangs are so keen on painting pictures of, eh? Any ideas? Or is that simply just another mystery?
BIN LINER: Cleaners were in the carrydoor with sprinkle gas. There no more.
DOCTOR: Thank goodness for that. Can I have a look?

(The Doctor goes to the telephone.)

DOCTOR: You know, you really are very stupid for such clever people. If I were you I'd find that door and discover what's behind it. Because until you do, we're all at risk, You, Me, Mel, everybody. Are these antiques dotted around all over the building? It really is a splendid piece of auditoryarchitectatonicalmetrasyncocity.
FIRE ESCAPE: It works!
DOCTOR: I'm sure.

(Bin Liner takes the handset from the Doctor and taps in three numbers then gives it back.)

DOCTOR: Hello? Sorry. Wrong number. Just one other thing. You probably haven't realised that this machine has another purpose.

(He swings it around to reveal it is a Fizzade drinks dispenser.)

DOCTOR: Oh incidentally, yet another Paradise Towers mystery. Issued by the Great Architect, Kroagnon. Kroagnon? I do wish I could place him. I mean, what's happened to him since he's finished this building. No one seems to know. Sorry.

(The Doctor goes to put a coin in the slot and Bin Liner raises her crossbow. The Doctor knocks it down with his umbrella. The coin goes in, there is a lot of whirring then a can of drink drops to the bottom. The Doctor pulls the ring-pull and the girls scatter. He takes a drink.)

DOCTOR: Oh, very refreshing.

(Bin Liner takes a drink herself then passes it to Fire Escape.)

FIRE ESCAPE: Ice hot, Doctor.
FIRE ESCAPE + BIN LINER: Ice hot!

[Basement]

(The Chief Caretaker strides in and picks up some red clothing. The No Entry door slides up.)

CARETAKER: Hello, my pet. How are you? Did you enjoy your nice Caretaker?

(A pair of florescent tubes shaped like eyes stare back at him.)

VOICE: Hungry!
CARETAKER: Hungry? You can't be. Daddy's always made sure you get a good supply of what you need. Daddy's the Chief Caretaker. That's his main job.
VOICE: Hungry!
CARETAKER: And why we're on the subject, Daddy's not too pleased with you. Now I didn't send you this little snack, did I? So how come it's got here? I mean the Cleaners wouldn't do things like that without orders from someone and it wasn't me, so who was it? Now tell Daddy. If you don't tell Daddy who's been feeding you behind his back, I won't give you the Great Architect to eat.
VOICE: Hungry!
CARETAKER: All right, all right, all right. You'll get him just as soon as I can catch him again.
VOICE: Hungry!
CARETAKER: But my pet, my darling, I don't understand. You're not usually like this. What's the matter? Tell Daddy.

[Corridor]

PEX: Fight.
BLUE KANG: Enough, muscle brain. Get back.
MEL: Will you please tell us why you're holding us here.
BLUE KANG: We saw you with the Red Kangs.
MEL: Oh, but they were holding me captive, too. Look, my name's Mel. I'm a visitor here.
BLUE KANG: You know him?
PEX: I'm protecting her.
MEL: Do you know anything about this person?
BLUE KANG: All Kangs know the muscle brain. He's a scaredy-cat. When the In-Betweens sent us all here in the ship, us and the Oldsters, the muscle brain hid away and came with us because he didn't want to fight in the war along with the other In-Betweens.
PEX: Who told you that?
BLUE KANG: Everyone knows that. The Oldsters call out after him in the Carrydoors. The muscle brain's a Scaredy-cat.
BLUE KANGS: Scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat!
MEL: Pex?
PEX: What?
MEL: Is this true? Is this true?
PEX: I've made up for it since I was here. Since I've been in Paradise Towers, I've been brave! A hero! A fighting
MEL: Sent by powers that you weren't allowed to name? I should have guessed. Will you allow me to go if I go alone? I give you my word I mean you no harm. You can see I've got no weapons, look. Thanks. Goodbye, Pex.

(The Blue Kangs let Mel leave, then taunt Pex.)

BLUE KANGS: Scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat.

[Caretaker Headquarters]

CARETAKER: So, you still haven't discovered where the Great Architect has got to.
DEPUTY: No, Chief.
CARETAKER: And you have no idea of his whereabouts at all.
DEPUTY: No, Chief. Unless
CARETAKER: Unless?
DEPUTY: Unless he was taken by the cleaners?
CARETAKER: Don't be absurd. Besides, you are overlooking one very obvious possibility.
DEPUTY: What's that, Chief?
CARETAKER: The Wallscrawlers. They've been getting very bold of late, making fun of authority. Summon all available Caretakers. We are going to start a forty five D section three Security Search.
DEPUTY: Yes, Chief.
CARETAKER: The three two seven appendix three subsection nine death of the Great Architect must take place. Besides, even if the Wallscrawlers haven't got him, it's high time they were taught a severe lesson.

[Outside Tilda and Tabby's home]

(Mel passes two more middle-aged ladies before getting to flat 1236.)

TILDA: Cooee! Care for a cup of tea? It's lovely to see you. We'd almost given up hope. How have you been getting on?
MEL: Oh, not very well. I've been going round and round in circles.
TILDA: Oh, what a shame. Come inside and rest your weary bones.
MEL: Oh I don't know, I. Yes. Yes, thank you, I will. I am very tired.

[Tilda and Tabby's home]

TILDA: Tabby, guess what? A real piece of good fortune. You'll never guess who's arrived for tea.
TILDA + TABBY: Mel.

[Red Kang Headquarters]

(While the Caretakers are searching for the Doctor with a device that has his picture on a screen, and beeps every so often, the Red Kangs are sharing out cans of Fizzade.)

BIN LINER: Build high for happiness, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Build high for happiness. But let us not forget what we have to do. We must find Mel and discover the mystery of Paradise Towers, because I've learned enough to realise that its very existence is at stake.
FIRE ESCAPE: Ice hot, Doctor. Ice hot.

(An alarm sounds. Bin Liner rushes to a periscope made of a down pipe.)

BIN LINER: Caretakers! I can see them through the I-spy.
FIRE ESCAPE: Ware, Doctor! He brings them here because like Caretakers he wants all Wallscrawlers unalive!
DOCTOR: Not at all. You don't understand. I mean, the last people I want to meet are the Caretakers. I'm in as much danger as you. More, probably. You got to believe me. Listen, we've got to work together. The Chief Caretaker's off his head. If we don't stop the wipe-outs, who will? Please?

(The Caretakers start to cut through the door to the Headquarters.)

[Tilda and Tabby's home]

(Tabby is toasting a crumpet.)

TABBY: Are you feeling better now, dear?
MEL: Mmm. Yes, thank you. There's nothing quite like tea and crumpets, is there? I feel so much more relaxed.
TABBY: Oh, that's good to hear, isn't it, Tilda?
TILDA: Yes, very good.
MEL: All the same, I really must be going now.
TILDA: Oh, we couldn't possibly let you do that.
TABBY: Oh no, not this time.
TILDA: We can't possibly miss this opportunity, can we, Tabby?
TABBY: No, we can't Tilda. Not since those horrid little Kangs got suspicious of our little ways.
TILDA: I am sorry, dear.
MEL: What do you mean?
TILDA: Well, you see, we would like you to stay for a very long time.
TABBY: In fact, we don't imagine you ever leaving at all.
MEL: You are joking, aren't you? Tilda? Tabby?
TABBY: We don't see this as a matter for humour, Mel dear. We mean every word.

(Tabby menaces Mel with the toasting fork while Tilda throws a shawl over Mel's face.)

TILDA: In our experience, Mel dear, it is much better not to struggle too much. It only causes needless distress.

(Mel screams.)

Part Three

[Red Kang Headquarters]

(The Caretakers have almost cut through the door.)

DOCTOR: You must have a secret escape route. I mean, it's not like Kangs to allow themselves to be caught like rats in a trap.
BIN LINER: Red Kangs have an unseen outway, but
DOCTOR: But what?
FIRE ESCAPE: The Caretakers will be in our Brainquarters too soon for the Kangs to use it.
DOCTOR: I see, you need time. Well, I will buy you that time. I'm the reason why the Caretakers are here. Now, go on, make your escape. Go on. Shoo! Build high for happiness.

[Tilda and Tabby's home]

(Tilda and Tabby are busy in the kitchenette.)

MEL: Look, a joke's a joke, but this gone on long enough.
TILDA: Mel dear, I do think by now you should be appreciating that though Tabby and myself are not averse to a humourous remark now and then, no joke was intended.

(Tilda stands over Mel with a carving knife while Tabby stirs a large cooking pot.)

TILDA: See if you can spot the basil.
TABBY: Oh, it's here somewhere, dear. Here we are.

(Mel sees a Cleaner claw come up the waste disposal pipe, and screams.)

TABBY: Oh, what is it, dear?
MEL: There's something wrong with the waste disposal unit.
TABBY: No, don't talk nonsense, dear. It always makes that funny noise.
MEL: I think something's coming up in it.
TABBY: Don't be silly, dear.
TILDA: We'd better make sure, Tabby.
TABBY: Oh, very well, dear.

(Tabby goes over to the kitchen sink.)

TABBY: No, I can't see anything.

(She turns her back, and a Cleaner claw comes out of the unit in the wall and grabs her by the neck.)

TILDA: Tabby! Tabby!

(Tilda runs over, and gets there just as Tabby's feet disappear into the unit.)

TILDA: Tabby! Oh, what a naughty little girl we are. Looks as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth and now she's killed poor dear Tabby!
MEL: It wasn't me, Tilda. It was the thing in the waste disposal.
TILDA: Fibbing now, is it? I hate little fibbers.

(Tilda leans over Mel with the knife raised. Mel screams and Pex breaks in. Again.)

PEX: My name is Pex
MEL: Help, Pex, help!

(Tilda turns to him with the knife raised.)

PEX: No! Now, look

(The knife thuds into the remains of the door by his head.)

MEL: Don't just stand there, help me! Help!

(Pex is frozen as Tilda runs to the sink to get another knife. Then she gets grabbed by a Cleaner claw and dragged into the waste disposal too.)

MEL: You arrived just in time.

(Pex unties Mel.)

PEX: Mel?
MEL: Yeah.
PEX: Mel, does mean this I've really helped save someone from something for the first time?
MEL: I think it might.

[Basement]

VOICE: Hungry. Hungry. Hungry. Hungry.

(Cleaners bring Tilda and Tabby to feed the thing.)

[Outside Red Kang Headquarters]

(The Caretakers finish cutting round the entrance.)

DEPUTY: I think you'll find that the rulebook states that I remove the last section of the door.

(The Deputy Caretaker kicks the door in and is greeted by a smiling face.)

DOCTOR: Greetings, Deputy Chief Caretaker. You look surprised to see me. I can't imagine why. After all, it was me you came for.
DEPUTY: Seize him!

(They pull the Doctor out into the corridor.)

DEPUTY: You're not alone down there, are you.
DOCTOR: As a matter of fact, I am.
DEPUTY: You don't fool me, Great Architect. There are Kangs down there.
DOCTOR: Take a look for yourself if you don't believe me.

[Red Kang Headquarters]

(The Deputy nearly falls down the steep steps.)

DOCTOR: Well?
DEPUTY: I don't know what you're so pleased about. There's a three two seven appendix three subsection nine death waiting for you.

[Tilda and Tabby's home]

(Mel is searching a drawer and finds something in a crocheted cover.)

PEX: What is it?
MEL: It's a map of the Paradise Towers. It occurred to me that when everyone was brought here, they'd have been given a map to help them get around.
PEX: Well, I wasn't. Oh, but then nobody knew I was in the ship, did they.
MEL: This building is huge, isn't it? Three hundred and four floors. And we must be on floor, let's see.

(Mel looks through the broken door.)

MEL: One hundred and nine.
PEX: Mel?
MEL: Yeah?
PEX: Are you want to get to the Pool in the Sky?
MEL: Of course. That's where I'm meeting the Doctor.
PEX: You mustn't go.
MEL: That's silly, and anyway here is it. Floor three hundred and four.
PEX: But Mel.
MEL: What now?
PEX: Only the unalive go there.
MEL: Who says so?
PEX: Everybody. Bin Liner and Fire Escape.
MEL: Now that's odd.
PEX: What?
MEL: Look, down here where it says Basement, and underneath, no plan available. Entry forbidden to all residents of Paradise Towers on pain of death. You don't have to come.
PEX: But I do. It's my job to protect you.
MEL: So you're coming with me, come what may?

[Caretaker Headquarters]

(The Chief Caretaker is watching another Cleaner dispose of one of his minion on the screen when the Deputy brings the Doctor in.)

CARETAKER: Welcome back, Great Architect. I'm relieved that it's you and not my Deputy who will be enjoying a three two seven appendix three subsection nine death. For a start, his demise would have involved an enormous amount of extra paper work.
DEPUTY: Chief?
CARETAKER: Yes.
DEPUTY: Chief, as I was coming in I heard reports that Caretaker number ninety seven stroke two subsection nine had disappeared without any known explanation, and that Caretaker three four eight
CARETAKER: I'm well aware of that.
DEPUTY: But Chief, if this goes on and the Cleaners are out of control, how many of us are going to be left?
CARETAKER: Deputy Chief Caretaker, by talking out of turn in such a way, you have just broken so many rules and regulations that it would take me several hours just to innumerate them. Wait outside, would you?
DEPUTY: Yes, Chief.

(The Deputy leaves.)

CARETAKER: I think it'd be a very good idea if before your death, you and I had a nice little Regulation thirteen appendix two final conversation.

[Fountain of Happiness Square]

(The TARDIS is covered in graffiti.)

PEX: Kang wallscrawl.
MEL: I know.
PEX: Quiet!
MEL: What is it now?
PEX: I thought I saw a Blue Kang.

(Pex walks round a pillar with his gun held out in front of him, and ends up pointing it at Mel.)

MEL: Relax! Come on.

(Mel and Pex head off towards a neon arrow pointing downwards. A Cleaner follows them.)

[Caretaker Headquarters]

(The Chief Caretaker aims a desk lamp light at the Doctor. This is going to be a third degree conversation.)

CARETAKER: Are you the Great Architect?
DOCTOR: You mean you're not certain anymore?
CARETAKER: Oh, I shall have you killed anyway, but it would be interesting to know.
DOCTOR: What makes you think I'm the Great Architect? Haven't you ever met him?
CARETAKER: Just when Paradise Towers was being completed, before any of us got here, he disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Never been seen since anywhere.
DOCTOR: How odd.
CARETAKER: Odd indeed for a being whose head was apparently full of extravagant future plans. But I always knew in my bones he'd turn up again one day. Start altering things just when I'd got them the way I wanted.
DOCTOR: And that would justify killing me, I mean him?
CARETAKER: Oh, yes.
DOCTOR: Like everyone else you seem terrified to face up to the reality of what's happening in Paradise Towers. I mean, killing me won't help you find out who's sending out those robotic Cleaners to kill people. And that's a problem that isn't going to go away, unless, of course, you're giving the orders yourself.
CARETAKER: What a ridiculous idea.
DOCTOR: Perhaps. But I do have a better one.
CARETAKER: And what is that?
DOCTOR: No doubt you've been allowing the Cleaners to kill off some of your people as well as the Kangs, for reasons which are at the moment beyond me but then I'm not a power crazed psychopath.
CARETAKER: What did you say?
DOCTOR: Listen, you're going to kill me anyway so you may as well make use of my brain.

(The Doctor makes the Caretaker sit.)

DOCTOR: What I also think is happening is that, besides your activities, is that the Caretakers, the Kangs, Red, Yellow, Blue and everyone else are being killed off without instructions from you. And that's why you're worried. You don't know who's doing it.
CARETAKER: Oh, don't I?

(The Deputy and other Caretakers run.)

DEPUTY: Report from floor one hundred and nine, Chief! Two of the oldsters have apparently disappeared and it's believed they've gone down the XY three standard issue waste disposal unit.
CARETAKER: What?
DEPUTY: It's unheard of, Chief. I should remind you that under emergency regulation number three four eight stroke five subsection six
CARETAKER: All right, all right, all right. I'd better go and investigate this myself. Deputy, I leave you in charge. I don't need to remind you of the consequences of second mistake.
DEPUTY: No, Chief.
CARETAKER: No. Perhaps we should allow the Great Architect to see a copy of the Illustrated Prospectus of Paradise Towers. Might bring back happy memories for him. Not that I shall be away long. It's against my principles to keep anyone waiting.

(The Chief leaves. The Deputy settles himself on his chair and puts his feet up on the console.)

DEPUTY: And no funny business with the rulebook this time, all right?
DOCTOR: I'm afraid I've got far too much to worry about, Deputy Chief Caretaker.

[Lift]

MEL: It's all safe. Quick! All I have to do is press the button the three hundred and fourth floor and
PEX: Er, Mel?
MEL: Yes?
PEX: Look.

(The Cleaner is heading towards them.)

MEL: What is it?
PEX: I'll explain later. Could you just press the button?
MEL: Of course. Come on!

(The lift door closes just in time.)

PEX: We call those the Cleaners and sometimes they
MEL: Pex?
PEX: What?
MEL: Am I imagining things?
PEX: Why?
MEL: Are we going up or are we going down?
PEX: We're going down.

(Floor 43, 42)

MEL: But I pressed the button
PEX: The Kangs play a game you see. They get into the lift and press the buttons for all kinds of floors up and down the building.
MEL: So we could be stuck in here going up and down for hours.
PEX: Yes.

(And the Cleaner waits patiently.)

[Caretaker Headquarters]

(The Doctor is watching the Illustrated Prospectus on the screen.)

NARRATOR: Welcome one and all to Paradise Towers, which will be your new home for a good few years to come. Some of you will understandably feel nervous at leaving everything you know for a strange new environment, but we believe once you've tasted the Paradise Towers experience you won't want to change it for any other. Our motto is Build High for Happiness.

(There is a commotion off camera.)

DOCTOR: Please stop.
NARRATOR: The facilities of this mighty structure are unrivalled, as you can see from these pictures.

(Bin Liner gives him the Kang greeting.)

BIN LINER: How you do, Doctor.
DOCTOR: How you do. Bin Liner, Fire Escape, how did you get here?
FIRE ESCAPE: We track you down the Carrydoors, creep in when the Chief Caretaker left and bundle up these others.
BIN LINER: Sorry to disturb you.
DOCTOR: Not at all, I'm delighted to see you. Oh, whoops.

(The Doctor takes the Illustrated Prospectus disc from the console.)

DOCTOR: I'm sure there are some rules to govern this, Deputy Chief.

(The Deputy's reply is muffled by the red gag in his mouth.)

DOCTOR: That's the most intelligent thing he's said so far.

[Tilda and Tabby's home]

(Maddy and the Chief Caretaker are staring at Tilda and Tabby's sink.)

MADDY: Well, I can't think of any other explanation, can you?
CARETAKER: Since you ask, thousands.
MADDY: Well, it's never happened before. We Rezzies are all very frightened.
CARETAKER: Well, you have my assurance there is no cause for panic.
MADDY: No cause for panic.
CARETAKER: No.
MADDY: No cause for panic?
CARETAKER: No.
MADDY: Two of my next door neighbours have just disappeared down the waste disposal chute. I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
CARETAKER: I will conduct a full investigation on the matter and in due course a report will be issued to all residents. And you may rest assured there'll be no cover up. No cover up whatsoever. On the other hand, I would urge you for the moment to keep the matter quiet. We don't want to alarm people unduly, do we?
MADDY: Well, I'm not really sure I ought to.
CARETAKER: Not that I would wish to bribe you to hold your tongue in anyway but rules can be made flexible, and it could be arranged for you to move into this flat instead of your own. It is substantially larger. And after all, what's the good of panicking people when I repeat everything is under control.
MADDY: Well, I'd hate to upset anybody.
CARETAKER: Exactly. And now if you'll excuse me I think I will depart and begin my investigation. In the basement, perhaps.

[Lift]

(Floor 156, 157.)

MEL: Well is suppose it is one way of seeing the Paradise Towers, just so long as nothing goes wrong with the lift.

(The lights flicker.)

PEX: What did you say?
MEL: Oh, it doesn't matter really. It's just, it's just if the lift gets completely stuck between floors

(Floor 174, 173, 174.)

MEL: And the lights go out.

(Guess what.)

PEX: Oh, I hate the dark.

[Red Kang Headquarters]

(The Doctor enters through a ventilation grill.)

DOCTOR: Well, Kangs, I must say, there's no place like home. And this is no place like home.
BIN LINER: Be seated, Doctor.
FIRE ESCAPE: And drink.
DOCTOR: Oh, yes. Thank you, Fire Escape. But before we do anything else, we must view the Illustrated Prospectus. Now which pocket did I put it in?

[Lift]

(Mel is working on the control panel.)

MEL: Hand on, I think I've found something. The controls are really stiff, though.
PEX: Here, let me.

(Pex moves Mel aside and hits the panel. The lights come back on.)

MEL: Well done, Pex! Except we seem to be going down. Very fast!

[Red Kang Headquarters]

(The Red Kangs have set up a DVD player and monitor.)

BIN LINER: All shape ship and ready, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Ah, the opening's not important, Bin Liner. Wind it on.

(She fast forwards until the Doctor indicates play.)

NARRATOR: Paradise Towers has been specially designed for you by Kroagnon, universally known as the Great Architect. The genius responsible for Golden Dream Park, The Bridge of Perpetual Motion, Miracle City.
DOCTOR: Miracle City!

[Lift]

(The lift judders to a halt at floor B and the door opens.)

MEL: Where are we now?
PEX: Oh, no.
MEL: What is it?
PEX: I think we're in the Basement.
MEL: As in, forbidden to all residents of Paradise Towers on pain of death.

(Meanwhile, a Cleaner brings another Caretaker's body to the hungry thing.)

VOICE: Soon. Soon. Soon I shall be free.
MEL: You hear that? Oh, we have to get out of here.

[Red Kang Headquarters]

(The presentation has finished.)

DOCTOR: Kroagnon was a brilliant architect, and Miracle City, his masterpiece. Only
BIN LINER: Only?
DOCTOR: Only he refused to move out and let anybody move in. He thought that people would destroy the beauty of his work. But they got him out. Only those who moved in lived to regret it.
FIRE ESCAPE: He made them unalive.
DOCTOR: Yes. Nothing could be proven so he got away with it. And as I said, he was a brilliant architect. And space is a big place, so he got other work, if course, including Paradise Towers.
BIN LINER: Blank walls and cleaners.
DOCTOR: Quite. And then he disappeared. Mayhaps, my dear Red Kangs, mayhaps your parents thought they were being very clever by trapping him in his own building so he wouldn't finish it. But if they did such a thing, it was very foolish. Because no matter how deep they buried him in Paradise Towers, he's bound to get out in the end.

[Corridor]

CHIEF: Oi! What are you doing there Robotic Cleaner four seven nine? I didn't order you to stand there. Get back to six seven Y ghetto at once.

(The Cleaner moves towards him. He backs away.)

CHIEF: Do you hear my orders? What do you think you're doing, Robotic Cleaner four seven nine? There's no need for this. Really, there isn't. No need at all. I, I, I was going to the basement, anyway.

[Lift]

(Mel is frantically pushing buttons.)

MEL: We've got to get out of here. This is really jammed this time.
PEX: Shall I hit it?
MEL: All right, give it a try. What have we got to lose? Come on, Pex.

(It takes three kicks for the handle to move and the doors to close. The lift moves up.)

MEL: Well done, Pex! Going up.

[Red Kang Headquarters]

BIN LINER: So what must Red Kangs do, Doctor?
FIRE ESCAPE: We'll fight for you!
RED KANGS: Yes!
DOCTOR: More than that, you must tell me all you know. I mean, that door with smoke coming out of it. Where is it? Please, it's important.
BIN LINER: In the Basement. The Cleaners have a secret alleviator. Red Kangs have used it and seen
DOCTOR: And seen what?
BIN LINER: Things they could not speak of.
DOCTOR: I'm going down to the basement to find out what's going on.
BIN LINER: I'll go and look with you, Doctor.
FIRE ESCAPE: And me!
RED KANGS: And me! And me! And me!
DOCTOR: Fire Escape, Bin Liner and Air Duct, you come with me. The rest stay here.

(Blue Kangs come through the sacking that was covering the hole in the door.)

BLUE KANG: No. Red Kangs leave no outlooks. Blue Kangs have got into their Brainquarters and won the game. Blue Kangs are best!

(There is a shrill shouting match.)

DOCTOR: Please! Please! Please! This is no time for games. The future of Paradise Towers is at stake. We must all work together. You've got to help us. Do you understand?
BLUE KANG: But Blue Kangs have won.

[Caretaker Headquarters]

(The Deputy is using the communicator.)

DEPUTY: Chief? Chief? Chief. It's no good. I can't trace him anywhere.

[Red Kang Headquarters]

DOCTOR: Look, you've got to believe me. I'm sure the Red Kangs will agree that you've won this round of the game, but there won't be any games worth playing if we don't discover who's ordering the killings. Will you let us go to the basement?
BLUE KANG: More, I will come with you.
DOCTOR: Good. Then you will see with your own eyes what's going on.

[Outside Red Kang Headquarters]

BLUE KANG: Blue Kang I-spy saw Chief Caretaker footing it there too.
DOCTOR: We must hurry. What's the quickest way to get there?

[Red Kang Headquarters]

BIN LINER: We must use the Cleaner's secret alleviator.
DOCTOR: Ah. Right. To the basement! Build high for happiness.
KANGS: Build high for happiness.

[Lift]

(Mel is calling off the floor levels on the indicator.)

MEL: Three hundred. Three hundred and one. Three hundred and two. Three hundred and three. Three hundred and (bing) We made it!

(The lift door opens to show the pool, patio and colonnade she saw on the TARDIS scanner. Musak is playing.)

MEL: I just don't believe it. I really don't.

[Pool in the Sky]

MEL: And look, here it is. Oh, it's just how I imagined it. Why don't the residents of the Towers ever use it, Pex?
PEX: It's the home of the unalive. We shouldn't be here.
MEL: Oh, that's all nonsense. Don't you think it's wonderful to be somewhere calm and clean and relaxing?
PEX: It makes me nervous.

(Mel dips her hand in the water.)

MEL: Oh, everything makes you nervous. I'm glad this is where I agreed to meet the Doctor. Aren't you going to have a swim, Pex? I just don't understand you. I think all that talk of it being dangerous is just a trick by the Caretakers so they don't have to come and clean up the pool all the time. Come on, lets investigate. Just a few minutes to take the weight off my feet and then it's straight in to that lovely cool water.

(They sit on a pair of loungers, and are watched by a yellow submarine Cleaner actually in the pool.)

[Basement]

CARETAKER: Look, I don't understand what the matter is, my beauty. I've always made sure you've had lot of tender little morsels to keep you big and strong, so why are giving my Cleaners orders that aren't my orders and killing people I didn't tell you to kill?
VOICE: Because the bodies the Cleaners brought were not right.
CARETAKER: Not right? What for?
VOICE: For me to live in.
CARETAKER: To live in? I don't understand, my pet.
VOICE: Neither could they. That was the problem.

(Behind the Caretaker, the Doctor and the Kangs enter.)

CARETAKER: You see, all these bodies disappearing. People are beginning to notice, you know.
VOICE: No matter.
CARETAKER: What did you say?
VOICE: I am ready now. I have my plan.
CARETAKER: Look, it's nice to have you chattier than usual, my pet, but I do think you might be a bit more grateful for all I've done for you.
VOICE: You have done all I need you to do. I need only one more thing from you.
CARETAKER: Oh, do you? And suppose I won't give it to you?
VOICE: You have no choice. I am Kroagnon, the Great Architect, and I will put an end to you and everyone in Paradise Towers!

(The Cleaner pushes the Caretaker into the No Entry area and a giant tube descends over him. The Caretaker screams.)

BIN LINER: Ware Cleaners!
DOCTOR: Back to the lift.
FIRE ESCAPE: Wait, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Back!

(There are two Cleaners against the three Kang crossbows, which have no effect. The Doctor is grabbed by a Cleaner's claw.)

BLUE KANG: Doctor! No!
Part Four

[Basement]

(The Blue Kang leader fires her crossbow and the Cleaner releases the Doctor. They run back into the Cleaner's lift and the door closes behind them. The giant tube lifts up and the Chief Caretaker moves away stiff-legged and pale-faced. His voice is deeper now, too. Okay, he's a possessed zombie.)

CARETAKER: Attention all Robotic Cleaners. Attention all Robotic Cleaners. At last Kroagnon can leave the basement prison they trapped his bodiless brain in and return in this borrowed body to the corridors and lifts of his own creation. They buried me away because I wanted to stop them using the Towers, and now you and I will destroy them.

[Corridor]

DOCTOR: Just a moment! Please, stop! Please! The immediate danger's over. I wouldn't mind getting my breath back.
BLUE KANG: The Doctor really is ice hot.
DOCTOR: Very hot.
BLUE KANG: Not a yawny Oldster.
DOCTOR: Now, you understand the dangerous position we're in. We must gather all the Kangs together.
FIRE ESCAPE: And is the Chief Caretaker really unalive?
DOCTOR: As himself, yes. But you saw what happened. I mean, up to now Kroagnon's simply been a mind without a body, as your parents must have left him. However, I fear he may have spent his time down there devising a way of performing corpoelectroscopy. A way of transplanting his brilliant brain to some host body.
BIN LINER: And what's the come out, Doctor?
DOCTOR: I can't be certain, but Kroagnon won't want to stay locked up in his basement much longer. He's bound to show himself in one form or another.

[Pool in the Sky]

(Mel has changed into a swimming costume and is in the water.)

MEL: Oh, the water's really lovely. You really ought to come and join me, Pex. It'll do you the world of good. There's really nothing to be frightened of.

(Except the yellow submarine Cleaner behind her. It grabs her and she screams.)

MEL: Help!

[Red Kang Headquarters]

(Bin Liner is on the telephone.)

DOCTOR: It's taking over the building floor by floor.
BIN LINER: Return to Red Kang Base and 'ware Cleaners! Build high for happiness.
DOCTOR: Is Fire Escape going to join us? Are all the Kangs here? Red? Blue?
BLUE KANG: Yes. Except for
DOCTOR: Those who've been made unalive. Yes. Well, when Fire Escape gets here we must all make for the Great Pool in the Sky.

[Pool in the Sky]

(The Cleaner pulls Mel underwater briefly.)

MEL: Pex, do something!
PEX: What shall I do?
MEL: Anything! Anything!

(Mel is dragged underwater again.)

PEX: Help! Help!
MEL: Can't you think of anything else?

(She goes under again and bobs up again.)

MEL: Quick, give me that!

(Mel scrambles to the shallow end, takes Pex's gun and shoots the Cleaner. It goes Phizz and she gets out of the pool.)

PEX: Mel, I did warn you.

[Caretaker Headquarters]

DEPUTY: Attention, all Caretakers. Regulation ZZZ is now in operation. This overrides all other rules and regulations. I repeat, this overrides all other rules and regulations. All Caretakers to act with extreme caution and get back here as fast as they can.

[Pool in the Sky]

(Mel has changed back into her own clothes again.)

MEL: Pex.
PEX: What?
MEL: I'm sorry.

(There is a rustling noise.)

MEL: What's that?
PEX: Where?
MEL: Well, there's a rustling sound coming from over there.
PEX: I only checked it a few minutes ago.
MEL: Shall I go?
PEX: If you want.

(Mel goes to a curtained-off area and looks through.)

PEX: Nothing there?
MEL: No.
PEX: Sure?
MEL: Of course. See for yourself.

(Enter the Doctor.)

MEL: Doctor!
DOCTOR: I'm sorry to give you such a shock, Mel, but this is where the Cleaner service lift appears to come out.
MEL: Oh, Doctor, it's so good to see you!
DOCTOR: And you, Mel, and you. Er, how do you do?
MEL: This is Pex.
DOCTOR: Ah. I believe you've met my friends before.

(The Doctor pulls back the curtains to reveal Fire Escape.)

[Corridor]

(Gas from a Cleaner fills the corridor. The ex-Chief Caretaker walks ahead of it as a caretaker chokes and dies.)

CARETAKER: Search hard, my Cleaners, search hard. Bring them all out! All the nasty human beings! The Caretakers, the Residents, the Kangs, all of them! We'll be back to collect the rubbish later.

[Pool in the Sky]

(Pex stands with his back to the Kangs.)

MEL: Imagine building this beautiful pool and filling it with mechanical killers.
DOCTOR: The rest of the Towers would have been like this pool if he'd had his way. A killer in every corner.
MEL: And you're sure Kroagnon's been let loose again?
DOCTOR: Oh, very much so. But we know so little about his plans. He's had years to brood over what he wants to do, but we've no time to come up with a counter plan.
FIRE ESCAPE: Did Mel make the creature unalive for you?
BLUE KANG: And stop you being taken to the cleaners?

(Pex nods.)

FIRE ESCAPE: Then Mel is a Kang after all.
PEX: I'll show you all. I will put the world of Paradise Towers to rights.
BIN LINER: Oh, yes?
PEX: Yes!
FIRE ESCAPE: You're a cowardly cutlet, Pex. You always hide. Always.

(The Kangs chant 'he's a cowardly cutlet' in the background.)

MEL: They shouldn't treat him like that.
DOCTOR: That's Paradise Towers in a nutshell, I'm afraid. The Red Kangs didn't trust the Blue Kangs, and none of them trusted the Caretakers. And the Rezzies, from your account, prey on whoever they can and trust no one either. And all of them despise poor old Pex. Oh, the Great Architect must be delighted. How are we going to unite the people of Paradise Towers to defeat him?
MEL: We'll find a way. We have to.
KANGS: He's a cowardly cutlet. He's a cowardly cutlet. He's a cowardly cutlet. He's a cowardly cutlet. He's a cowardly cutlet. He's a cowardly cutlet. He's a cowardly cutlet. He's a cowardly cutlet.

(Pex walks away past the Doctor and Mel.)

MEL: Pex, don't go. Pex!

(Maddy and two other women enter.)

MADDY: I, that is we, we the Rezzies, the remaining Rezzies, that is, want to talk to you all. I think we may need your help.

[Caretaker Headquarters]

(The undead Chief Caretaker enters.)

DEPUTY: Why, Chiefy, I thought you were lost. I

(There is a Cleaner outside.)

CARETAKER: The Towers have become appallingly dirty.
DEPUTY: Sorry?
CARETAKER: The whole place is polluted with flesh. Living flesh.
DEPUTY: Flesh? Did you say living flesh?
CARETAKER: Yes.
DEPUTY: But Chief, you
CARETAKER: Deputy, may I remind you that there is a rulebook and the rulebook says that the orders of the Chief Caretaker are never to be questioned.
DEPUTY: Yes, yes, yes, of course. Of course, Chief. Unless
CARETAKER: Unless?
DEPUTY: Well, I think you may recall that there are certain cases specified when the rulebook can be overridden, and that is when the Chief Caretaker
CARETAKER: Yes?
DEPUTY: Just isn't the Chief Caretaker.

(The Deputy turns and runs, hurdling the Cleaner.)

[Outside the Caretaker Headquarters]

CARETAKER: Leave him, leave him. We'll clean him up when we clean up all the others.

[Pool in the Sky]

MADDY: The Cleaners have reached about floor one hundred and fifteen now. All the Rezzies who can, have moved up to the higher floors, but not everyone was quick enough.
DOCTOR: And you're sure that person ordering the Cleaners to do this looks like the Chief Caretaker?
BIN LINER: But he's unalive, Doctor. We saw it.
DOCTOR: Exactly. So the Great Architect has taken over his body.
FIRE ESCAPE: Why should we believe her? Rezzies are full of untruth.
BLUE KANG: And Kangs. Rotten old rubber neck
DOCTOR: Please, please, be quiet. Shush. Be quiet.
MADDY: Of course, I know that we residents have not always been as neighbourly as we might have been, but some have been worse than others. And the worst have gone down the waste disposal chute. But those of us who are left want to let bygones be bygones. We're all in danger now and, well, we're very sorry for what we did and we won't do it again. If we survive, that is. We need each other's help.
DOCTOR: Well, you Kangs, what do you say to that?

(The Leaders have a quick huddle.)

BIN LINER: I won't say Rezzies are ice hot, but yes, she's not telling untruths. And yes, we'll help each other.
DOCTOR: All agreed? Pex?
FIRE ESCAPE: Don't ask him. He's a cowardly cutlet.
DOCTOR: Fire Escape! Shush! Pex?

(Pex nods.)

FIRE ESCAPE: We work with Rezzies, no to do. We work with Pex, no to do. But the Caretakers?
KANGS: Never ever!
DEPUTY: Ahem. Excuse me. I'm sorry to intrude like this, but I wondered if I might have a word with you all.

[Caretaker Headquarters]

(The Kroagnon possessed Chief Caretaker is marking off the floors on a glass diagram.)

CARETAKER: One hundred and seventy. All the messy creatures will be moving up to the swimming pool zone on floor three oh four. Luckily they won't have time to make it too untidy before I destroy them! I have nothing to fear. Nobody knows my Paradise Towers better than I do.

[Pool in the Sky]

DOCTOR: We have very little time, so we must think clearly. Now Kroagnon, as we now must call the Chief Caretaker, is firmly installed in your headquarters. Am I right, Deputy Chief?
DEPUTY: Yes, Doctor.
DOCTOR: So we must find a way of getting him out again.
BIN LINER: Set a trap for him.
DOCTOR: Precisely.
MADDY: We used to do that a lot with the rats.
MEL: But what about the Cleaners?
DOCTOR: First, we must immobilise as many as we can.
DEPUTY: Doctor?
DOCTOR: Yes?
DEPUTY: I know it's against the rulebook to say this, but I suppose these are exceptional circumstances.
DOCTOR: They could be described thus, yes.
DEPUTY: Well, on the two hundred and forty fifth floor Sodium Street, corridor seventy five, there's a secret emergency supply kept for pests going out of control.
MEL: An emergency supply of what?
DEPUTY: Explosives.
MEL: That'll do it.
FIRE ESCAPE: Ice hot!
BIN LINER: With explosives and arrogance we can blow up the Cleaners, no problem.
BLUE KANG: Send the Cleaners to the Cleaners.
KANG: Yes!
MADDY: Most of the Rezzies make table cloths. We could throw them over the Cleaners to slow them down for you to shoot.
FIRE ESCAPE: Ice hot, Maddy!
DOCTOR: We seem to be getting somewhere at last.

[Caretaker Headquarters]

CARETAKER: One hundred and sixty three. Time to see what the human garbage is up to in the swimming pool zone.
COMPUTER: By express order of the Great Architect, surveillance of the swimming pool is not allowed. Not allowed.

[Pool in the Sky]

DOCTOR: Please, please! We must move on to the main problem. How to persuade Kroagnon to leave his safety and come to a place of our choosing where we can trap and defeat him.
DEPUTY: He'll never leave there until we're all wiped out. We'll never manage to break in. I should know that.
DOCTOR: Well, there is a way that might just work.
FIRE ESCAPE: What's that, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Well, you see, Kroagnon is undoubtedly a very clever and very proud being, and like many clever and proud beings likes to be appreciated by his equals. Now, I think if he had the chance to meet such a person, he would leave his lair to do so.
MEL: Doctor, you're not going to go and
DOCTOR: I've no choice, Mel. I mean, in all honesty, I am the only obvious candidate.
MEL: You'll go out there and show yourself and be killed.
DOCTOR: Oh no, no, no. That would be extremely futile. I will allow myself to be seen, and then somebody will go to Kroagnon and offer to lead him to me. Right into our little trap. Now that person has a far more difficult and dangerous mission than I.

(Silence.)

PEX: I will go to Kroagnon. I am Pex and I am the
FIRE ESCAPE: Cowardly cutlet.
PEX: Well you all have tasks to do. Caretakers, Residents, Kangs, why should only Pex be left out? Pex the trained fighting machine. Pex the only
BIN LINER: Scaredy cat.
MEL: Pex, are you sure you want to do this?
PEX: Yes, I am.
DOCTOR: So be it.

[Caretaker Headquarters]

(Another monitor screen comes on.)

DOCTOR [on monitor]: Hello, there, Kroagnon. This is the Doctor speaking. I don't believe we've met, though no doubt you've heard of me. I thought so. Anyway, I'd heard so much about Paradise Towers I thought I'd come and take a look and, believe me, I'm very disappointed. It displays exactly what everyone says is your usual failure as an architect. Not making allowances for people. Still, I'm sure if we managed to work together, we might just about make this place habitable. I've a few ideas which I might give to you, if you can be bothered to listen. Bye for now.

[Corridor]

(A Cleaner enters. Maddy appears with two other women behind her.)

MADDY: Oh, excuse me. Excuse me. I hope you don't mind my mentioning it, but I think you've missed some rubbish in the street back there.

(The Cleaner turns.)

MADDY: Charge!

(The two women throw a cloth of crocheted squares over the Cleaner's 'head', giving the Blue Kang plenty of time to take careful aim with her crossbow. BANG!)

[Red Kang Headquarters]

DOCTOR: Now, you're clear what you have to do, Pex?
MEL: And you are sure you want to go through with it?
PEX: I won't be unbrave again.
DOCTOR: Remember, Pex, you must get him out of the Caretakers Headquarters as quick as you can so that he doesn't see what's happening to the Cleaners. But then, once he's out, take as long as you can. We need time. No heroics, just a cool clear head.
PEX: I can manage.
DOCTOR: Good luck, Pex.
MEL: I've been asked to give you this, Pex. It's a Kang bracelet. They wanted to give it to you. They think you're not a scaredy cat any longer but a real Kang. Good luck, Pex.

(Mel kisses him on the cheek. He offers her his gun.)

PEX: You take this, Mel. Can't use it this time.

(Bin Liner hands him three sticks of dynamite, and he leaves.)

[Corridor]

(Blue Kang destroys another Cleaner.)

BLUE KANG: Come on, on to the next one.

[Caretaker Headquarters]

CARETAKER: So, you say you could lead me to this so-called Doctor who dares to mock me?
PEX [on monitor]: Yes. He and the other, er, mobile rubbish have found a place to hide that they think you don't know about, and they're there, planning ways of resistance.
CARETAKER: If you deliver me this Doctor, I'll give you a safe way out.

[Red Kang Headquarters]

MEL: Doctor?
DOCTOR: Yes?
MEL: The door's nearly back in place anyway but they're having trouble with the fortamolascope opening device.
DOCTOR: I'd better give them a hand. See what you can do to help the Kangs down there. Oh, and Mel, don't forget to leave the escape hatch uncovered so that I can make my exit. I just hope that Pex doesn't lose his nerve and hurry, otherwise it won't be Kroagnon who's caught in a booby trap, it'll be us.

[Fountain of Happiness Square]

(Red and Blue Kangs stay out of sight of Pex and the Caretaker, and their two Cleaner escort.)

CARETAKER: This is not some trick, is it?
PEX: No, no.
KROAGNON: I've only just began to enjoy walking around my marvellous Towers in this body and I wouldn't deal very kindly with anybody who was stupid enough to lay a trap for me. Not frightened, are you?
PEX: I, I think we ought to hurry, Great Architect. Please? Let's hurry.
KROAGNON: As you wish.

(Pex walks on. The Caretaker starts to lurch after him and has a good look around the apparently deserted Square. Once the Cleaners have gone, the Blue Kang leader uses the telephone.)

BLUE KANG: They're on their way.

[Red Kang Headquarters]

(Bin Liner takes the call.)

MEL: What's happening?
BIN LINER: They're making all speed here.
MEL: What?
BIN LINER: Pex has been a scaredy cat. They'll be here in no time.
DOCTOR: I must tell the Doctor.
BIN LINER: Danger, tripwires. This way.

(Bin Liner leads Mel through the ventilation grill.)

[Outside Red Kang Headquarters]

DOCTOR: That should do it.
DEPUTY: Doctor!

(Pex and company are heading towards them.)

DEPUTY: And we're not ready for him.
DOCTOR: Oh, Pex. Move back, quickly.
FIRE ESCAPE: Oh, but Doctor, he'll make you unalive.
DOCTOR: There's only one way this might work, and for that I need to be on my own.
MEL: Come on.

(The possessed Chief Caretaker lurches up to the Doctor.)

CARETAKER: Well?
DOCTOR: Well, now, Kroagnon, how nice of you to drop in. I am so glad. I wanted to have a few words with you about the shoddy design of this building. I mean, take this door for instance. Look at it.
CARETAKER: There was nothing wrong with it when I built it, unless humanoid creatures have damaged it.
DOCTOR: Well, speaking as an expert, I'm prepared to tell the universe you couldn't design a simple doorknob. I mean, look.

(The Caretaker steps right up to the door. The Doctor opens it and tries to push him through, but fails. The Caretaker knocks the Doctor across the corridor. Pex turns to run but the two Cleaners are behind him so he runs past the Doctor towards Mel and the others instead. The Caretaker picks up the Doctor and beats him against the wall.)

DOCTOR: Pex! Help!

(Pex meets Mel's eyes, then looks at the Kang bracelet.)

DOCTOR: Pex! Pex!

(Pex runs back and pulls the Doctor from the Caretaker's grasp, unfortunately throwing him into the wall and briefly knocking him out. Then he launches himself at the Caretaker, who shrugs him off and takes the bundle of dynamite. Pex head-butts the Caretaker and they both tumble into the Red Kang Headquarters, triggering the tripwires and creating the planned big BOOM!)

[Fountain of Happiness Square]

(The Kangs kneel around their monument, Red and Blue alternate, watched by Rezzies and Caretakers.)

BIN LINER: Hail Pex. Hail the unalive who gave his life for the Towers. In life he was not a Kang but in death he was brave and bold as a Kang should be.
KANGS: Hail Pex. Hail the unalive. Hail Pex. Hail the unalive.
MEL: Poor Pex.
DOCTOR: Indeed, poor Pex. But look, Mel, they're all here. The Caretakers, the Rezzies, the Kangs. This would never have happened before. Perhaps now they'll all start working together.

(Fire Escape, Bin Liner and the Blue Kang leader join the Doctor and Mel.)

DOCTOR: Ah, Fire Escape. Now, have you managed to remove the Kang wallscrawls from the TARDIS as you promised?
FIRE ESCAPE: Build high for happiness, Doctor.

(She gives him his umbrella.)

DOCTOR: Oh, thank you very much.
BLUE KANG: We're sorry you must go, Doctor and Mel. We've made you an honorary Kang, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Oh, a Blue Kang or a Red Kang?

(The Blue Kang holds out a blue scarf. Fire Escape turns it over to reveal a red side.)

FIRE ESCAPE: Both.
DOCTOR: Ah, well I'll be honoured to wear it. And all my best wishes to the future of Paradise Towers.

(The Doctor and Mel go to the TARDIS. The Doctor doffs his hat to the piece of metal junk standing there.)

DOCTOR: Goodbye.
MEL: No, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Well you never can tell.

(They enter the TARDIS, and it dematerialises. On the wall behind it is a new piece of graffiti - crossed blue and red scarves with the words Pex Lives.)

Transcript originally provided by Chrissie. Adapted by TARDIS.guide. The transcripts are for educational and entertainment purposes only. All other copyrights property of their respective holders.

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