[Outside the Department HQ]

(K9 flies overhead, unseen, and stops near the roof. Below, people are queuing for entry.)

VOICE: Welcome to the Department’s Inaugural Open Day. Visitors are reminded to follow their official escorts at all times. Department restrooms are strictly off-limits without an official Departmental permission slip. Visitors are reminded not to stray…

(Starkey and Darius join the queue. Starkey’s vidcom rings.)

K9: (Over vidcom) Have they ever had a careers day before?
STARKEY: That’s why it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.
K9: (Over vidcom) I don’t like it.

(Starkey looks up and sees K9.)

STARKEY: K9, hang back.

(K9 moves out of sight.)

[Stairway]

(June and Thorne are walking up the stairs.)

JUNE: We’ve never recruited like this before.
THORNE: You keep saying the Department needs to be more open and transparent.
JUNE: And you’ve always rejected it.
THORNE: It’s like water on a stone, June. Eventually, it’ll have some effect.
JUNE: Yes, over several lifetimes.
THORNE: Clearly your words have a touch of acid.

(They part ways.)

[Outside the Department HQ]

DARIUS: Hey.

(A CCPC opens the door and the queue starts streaming in.)

STARKEY: We’re starting to move.
K9: (Over vidcom) Take care in there.

[Hall]

(Thorne approaches the crowd.)

THORNE: Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege to welcome you to the Departments on this unique occasion. My name is Inspector Thorne. Before we begin, let me run you through a few rules. There will be no stragglers. There will be no questions along the way, do you understand?

(Starkey raises his hand.)

STARKEY: Can we ask questions at the end?
THORNE: I said no questions.
STARKEY: Does this count as a question?
THORNE: Grow up, Starkey. (He begins the tour.) The Department is a multinational security facility offering career opportunities in the UK, the Americas, the Pacific Union and other lesser known countries.

[Corridor]

THORNE: The same cutting-edge technology the Department developed for the KZT Typhoon Early Warning System now also keeps us secure on the domestic fronts. This innovative technology…

(Starkey and Darius sneak away from the group and hide in a doorway.)

STARKEY: I knew he was a creep. Didn’t know he was a boring creep. (He activates his vidcom.) K9, where to now?
K9: (Over vidcom) Go back down the corridor, the way you came in. Quite certain you want to go on with this?
STARKEY: Yes. Get us to Thorne’s office.
K9: (Over vidcom) Calculating quickest route. I’ll have it for you in 2.3 seconds. Turn right just ahead.

(Starkey and Darius do so. They see a CCPC.)

DARIUS: CCPC.
K9: (Over vidcom) Is that the first one you’ve seen?
STARKEY: In here? Yes.
K9: (Over vidcom) This is too good to be true. Suggest you abort the mission.
DARIUS: Negative, negative, negative. Always so negative.
K9: (Over vidcom) Affirmative. In matters of the Department, always. Right again, just ahead.
DARIUS: Go on, quick.

[Thorne’s office]

(Starkey holds his vidcom through the door to see if anyone is inside.)

K9: (Over vidcom) Be quick.

(Starkey and Darius enter.)

DARIUS: Go, go.
STARKEY: Yeah.
DARIUS: I’ve got the door.

(Darius waits in the doorway. Starkey looks around at Thorne’s desk.)

STARKEY: This looks interesting. (He spots a picture on the desk.) What’s this?
K9: (Over vidcom) Don’t touch it, young master. It’s highly dangerous. No, don’t.

(Starkey goes near the picture and is sucked in.)

DARIUS: Starkey?
K9: (Over vidcom) Darius?
DARIUS: Starkey?
K9: (Over vidcom) Darius, whatever you do, don’t look at the picture. Take the picture and get it back to Gryffen. Don’t look at it.

(Darius picks up Starkey’s vidcom and the picture, clutching it to his body so that he does not see it. He leaves the office.)

DARIUS: Professor.

[Stairway]

(Darius runs down the stairs.)

[The laboratory]

(Gryffen is handling his machines. Darius and K9 enter.)

DARIUS: We were relying on you to warn us.
K9: I warned you every step of the way.
DARIUS: Prof, we’re in trouble. (He puts the picture down.) Well, Starkey’s in more trouble than the rest of us. He’s been sucked into a… A, umm…
K9: A library card from Ukko.

(Gryffen goes to turn the library card over.)

DARIUS: Hey, no, don’t! Don’t look at it. You’ll be sucked in there too.
GRYFFEN: K9, could you bring me up to speed on this, slowly?
K9: Starkey used the careers day to get into the Department. Darius and Starkey gained access to Thorne’s office too easily for my liking, discovered this and when Starkey looked at it, he disappeared inside it.
GRYFFEN: What a stupid, brainless, harebrained…!
K9: I did try to warn them. I think it was a setup.
GRYFFEN: By Thorne?
K9: Affirmative.
GRYFFEN: What’s our next step?
K9: We need a mirror.

[Thorne’s office]

(Thorne sits at his desk and activates his computer. He sees footage of Starkey being sucked into the library card, then switches it off. A CCPC enters.)

CCPC: Sir.
THORNE: How exactly did two kids manage to escape from the most secure building in the city?
CCPC: Sir, our orders were to give them the run of the place so they would find their way to your office.
THORNE: I know what your orders were. I gave them. I was just hoping that when they stole a precious artefact and made a run for it, you might have at least asked them why they were in such a hurry.
CCPC: Sir, until you countermanded your order, we left them…
THORNE: Here is an order I won’t countermand. Get ready to ship out.
CCPC: Sir?
THORNE: You’re going to the Mortanian Mines for the next twenty years. Dismissed.
CCPC: Yes, sir.

(The CCPC leaves. Thorne switches his screen back on.)

[The laboratory]

(Gryffen places the picture against his cyclotron and facing a mirror. He, Darius and K9 look into the mirror at the sandy alien world depicted in the picture.)

DARIUS: Is that Starkey?
K9: Of course it is.
GRYFFEN: He’s so far away.

[Urlic]

STARKEY: Is there anybody out there? K9? Jorjie? Gryffen? Darius? K9?

[The laboratory]

GRYFFEN: K9, how does it work?
K9: I have only fragmented data. The Ukkans are a race of librarians who have completely mastered, or should I say mistressed since they are all women, the art of archiving. They can reduce a whole world to an infinitely compressed hologram which they file into their archives as a library card.
DARIUS: But why do they do it?
K9: Because nobody else will. They’re preserving endangered planets in holographic form.
GRYFFEN: And this is such a card?
K9: This is the library card of the barren planet Urlic.
DARIUS: Are you saying inside that frame is a whole world?
K9: It’s like when you zip a file on a computer. You squash the data.
DARIUS: So, how do we get Starkey out?
K9: We would have to speak to a librarian.
GRYFFEN: How do we do that?
K9: I don’t know.
DARIUS: So, Starkey could be trapped in there forever.

[Urlic]

(Starkey squats down resignedly.)

[Thorne’s office]

(June knocks on the open door and enters.)

JUNE: Can I have a word?
THORNE: It’s always a pleasure, June.
JUNE: I’ve just received a heads up from our Alien Technology Inventory. Did you or did you not uplift an Ukkan library card?
THORNE: That’s an interesting way of putting it.
JUNE: What are you doing with it?
THORNE: I’m exploring its properties for use by the Department, something you yourself should have been onto.
JUNE: It’s an extremely dangerous alien artefact. We’ve already lost three scientists.
THORNE: The subject I’m using is completely expendable.

(June looks down at the desk.)

JUNE: Is that the base of the card?
THORNE: I believe it is.
JUNE: Where’s the card?

[The laboratory]

DARIUS: Is that light blinking faster?
K9: Affirmative.
GRYFFEN: Why? (The doorbell rings.) Darius, get the door.

[Urlic]

(Starkey sips from a bottle in his bag.)

[The main hall]

(Darius opens the front door. Yssaringintinka is stood there.)

DARIUS: Who…? Who, who, who, who are you?
YSSARINGINTINKA: You sound like an owl but you’re a boy, aren’t you?
DARIUS: I know what I am, but what are you?

(K9 arrives.)

K9: She’s exactly what we’re looking for. Please come in.

[The laboratory]

(Yssaringintinka enters, followed by Darius and K9.)

GRYFFEN: Welcome. I’m Professor Gryffen.
YSSARINGINTINKA: I am Yssaringintinka. Well, this place needs a good tidy up, not to say cataloguing.
GRYFFEN: Well, your timing is impeccable. We need your assistance to…

(Yssaringintinka picks up the library card. Gryffen and Darius turn away.)

GRYFFEN AND DARIUS: No, no, no!
YSSARINGINTINKA: Oh, I’ve become immune over the millennia. It’s alright, I won’t export you. This is Urlic, the last planet of the Catorkian Galaxy, taken from our archives by Huskian pirates. Is there somebody in there?
GRYFFEN: Yes, a boy.
YSSARINGINTINKA: Oh, dear.
K9: We’re afraid for his safety.
YSSARINGINTINKA: Well, my concern is for the planet, not the boy. The risk of contamination is…
GRYFFEN: Contamination?
YSSARINGINTINKA: If this boy leaves anything behind…
DARIUS: She means if…
GRYFFEN: I know what she means, if.
DARIUS: Sorry,
YSSARINGINTINKA: Does the contaminant have a name?
K9: His name is Starkey and I’d rather you didn’t refer to him as a contaminant.
GRYFFEN: Can you get him out?
YSSARINGINTINKA: Where’s the plinth?
GRYFFEN: That’s all we have.
YSSARINGINTINKA: The card should have a base. I can extract him using the retriever but only if the card is on the plinth.
K9: It’s still in the Department.
YSSARINGINTINKA: Well, come on everybody. Let’s go get it.
GRYFFEN: I’m afraid the Department doesn’t like people just dropping in unannounced.

(Darius picks up one of several purple pairs of glasses that Yssaringintinka has put on the table.)

DARIUS: Can I look into the card with these?
YSSARINGINTINKA: And you’ll be able to talk to the contaminant too. I suggest everybody puts them on.

(Darius does so. Gryffen puts a pair on K9, then on himself.)

DARIUS: Should I tell him that too?
YSSARINGINTINKA: Yes, would you?

(Darius picks up the card.)

DARIUS: Hey, Starkey.
STARKEY: Darius? Is that you?
DARIUS: Yeah, and K9’s right beside me.
STARKEY: Hey, K9. Miss you, fella.
K9: Affirmative to the nth degree.
STARKEY: Darius, can you get me something to drink? It’s really hot in here and I’ve only got a small bottle of water.

(Yssaringintinka shakes her head.)

DARIUS: No can do. It’s probably not a good idea, anyway. You’re not allowed to leave anything behind.
STARKEY: Anything?
K9: Nothing from inside you.
STARKEY: Oh. Okay.
DARIUS: He’s dying of thirst in there. We’ll have to get him out fast.
YSSARINGINTINKA: Thirst is the least of his worries. The cards have a failsafe feature. The portal closes after two hours.
DARIUS: After two hours?

[Thorne’s office]

(Thorne is sat at his desk. June walks in.)

THORNE: It’s customary to knock.

(June knocks on the desk.)

JUNE: I’ve just been to see Lomax. He says you’d better have a good explanation for interfering in alien technology.
THORNE: Oh, I have a good explanation. As the forces of chaos increase, our prisons are bursting at the seams. I want to use Ukkan technology to put all the lifers in a prison that requires no upkeep. No wardens, no exercise yard, no ping-pong tables, no parole, no nothing. We warehouse them in forever. You don’t even need to lock them in at night.
JUNE: You’re insane.
THORNE: Insane? Maybe. But in charge, certainly.
JUNE: In charge? So, where’s the card?
THORNE: Not far away.
JUNE: That’s good, because Lomax wants it back in twelve hours or your resignation. Your choice.

[The laboratory]

(Jorjie is wearing a pair of glasses.)

JORJIE: Starkey’s in there?
YSSARINGINTINKA: Terrible, isn’t it? Urlic is so fragile.
JORJIE: Well, we’ve got to get him out!
K9: We need to do a deal with Thorne. We’ll offer him the card as long as he gives us the plinth to get Starkey out.
DARIUS: K9’s right. We’ve got to work the angles.
GRYFFEN: He’ll never keep his side of the bargain.
DARIUS: Well, if he’s going to lie to us, you’ll have to lie to him.
GRYFFEN: Me?
K9: You’ll have to do it, professor.
GRYFFEN: I don’t like lying.
K9: It’s for a good cause.
GRYFFEN: I’m aware of that, but I’m a scientist and science is the pursuit of truth. Perhaps there’s another way.
K9: I’m a machine. The truth is just software, isn’t it?
YSSARINGINTINKA: I don’t understand why you’re so careful with the truth when your house is so messy.
GRYFFEN: That doesn’t make any sense.
YSSARINGINTINKA: Tidiness comes before truth.
K9: Professor, the clock is ticking, please.

(A message alert sounds. Gryffen switches on a screen. It shows Thorne at his desk.)

GRYFFEN: Thorne.
THORNE: You’ve got something of mine and I want it back.
GRYFFEN: Go on.
THORNE: If I come and take it from you, people will get hurt, so I’m offering you the chance of handing it over.
K9: Let me outline how everything stands so we’re all on the same page. Fact: you have stumbled onto a technology you want to exploit and you don’t know how, so you set up an entrapment. Fact: you can do nothing with the technology unless you have more information. How am I doing?
THORNE: Why am I talking to a robot dog, Gryffen?
K9: Because I am your best and only option and I can sweeten the deal.
THORNE: Go on.
K9: We have come by goggles which will protect you from being sucked into the card.
THORNE: Interesting.
GRYFFEN: And we can offer you an Ukkan librarian as a consultant on an exclusive basis.
THORNE: Who is this librarian?
YSSARINGINTINKA: My name is Yssaringintinka. Who are you, you ugly, bony man?
THORNE: You’re no oil painting yourself.
K9: So, do we have a deal, Inspector Thorne?

[Sewer, corridor]

(Jorjie, Darius and K9 are travelling through the sewer system.)

JORJIE: I’m really angry you didn’t tell me earlier about Starkey.
DARIUS: He didn’t want to let on to you about being in the Department because…
JORJIE: Because I would have wanted to join in?
DARIUS: Exactly. See?
JORJIE: Can I just have a look at the picture to make sure he’s all right?
K9: It’s too hazardous, Jorjie.
JORJIE: Well, what about these interrupter goggles?
K9: The librarian disabled them.
JORJIE: Why?

[Sewer, chamber]

JORJIE: So, now what?

(Thorne arrives, carrying a case.)

THORNE: I want to see the card.
K9: Don’t you trust us, Inspector?
THORNE: Oh, don’t take it personally. I don’t trust anybody.
DARIUS: Come and feast your eyes.

(Darius puts down the case containing the card.)

THORNE: Won’t I need interrupter goggles?
JORJIE: Where are my manners? Clean slipped my mind.

(Jorjie hands Thorne a pair of goggles. He puts them on.)

DARIUS: Inspect this, Inspector.

(Darius opens the case. It starts to suck Thorne in.)

THORNE: Double-crossers!

(Thorne is pulled inside. Darius closes the case.)

K9: Happy landings!

(Jorjie opens up the case dropped by Thorne. There is a brick inside.)

JORJIE: Double-crossers? Look who’s talking.
DARIUS: Big surprise.

(Jorjie, Darius and K9 leave.)

[The laboratory]

(Yssaringintinka is tidying up.)

GRYFFEN: Please don’t do that!
YSSARINGINTINKA: Neat is best.
GRYFFEN: I like it my way!
YSSARINGINTINKA: You Earthlings are so untidy.

(June, Jorjie, Darius and K9 enter.)

GRYFFEN: June?
JUNE: You’re going to need me to get into the Department. And you must be?
YSSARINGINTINKA: Yssaringintinka.
JUNE: Hello. I’m June. You’ve come a rather long way, I hear.
YSSARINGINTINKA: Ukko is four tendandoran parasangosols away.
JUNE: Yes, I bet it is.

[Urlic]

(Thorne is with Starkey.)

THORNE: You know what this place is?
STARKEY: No, but it’s hot and it stinks like rotten eggs.

(Thorne removes his suit jacket.)

THORNE: It’s going to be a prison colony. Guess who the first inmate is.
STARKEY: Surprise me.
THORNE: You.
STARKEY: You’re the second.

[The laboratory]

(The group are all wearing goggles.)

JUNE: Thorne, it’s me, June.
THORNE: Get me out of here!
JUNE: I don’t think you’re in a position to demand. I’ll be going into your office to get the base of the card.

[Urlic]

THORNE: Inspector! Don’t make me angry.

[The laboratory]

JUNE: Be polite or you’ll be in there for the term of your natural life.

[Thorne’s office]

(June enters and takes the plinth from Thorne’s desk.)

[Urlic]

(Starkey drinks more of his water.)

THORNE: You going to drink all of that?
STARKEY: I’m planning to.
THORNE: I’m thirsty too.
STARKEY: Tell someone who cares.
THORNE: You’ve got no gratitude, have you?
STARKEY: Who to?
THORNE: If it weren’t for me and the Department, there would be nothing left for you to rebel against.
STARKEY: I’ll tell you what I’ll be grateful for.
THORNE: Go on.
STARKEY: If you dress better. That shirt is so skanky.
THORNE: You ill-mannered brat.
STARKEY: I mean, you look like you’re selling funeral insurance.

[The main hall]

(June hurries in. Jorjie meets her and they run into the laboratory.)

[The laboratory]

(June hands the plinth to Yssaringintinka. The group all put their goggles on.)

K9: Umm, Miss Yssaringintinka? We’ve only got three minutes until the portal closes.
YSSARINGINTINKA: You can’t hurry this sort of work. Where they stand is crucial for the extraction to be successful.

(Yssaringintinka presses some buttons on the card and inserts it into the plinth.)

[Urlic]

(Thorne tries to grab the bottle of water from Starkey.)

STARKEY: Uh-uh-uh.
THORNE: Give me the water now.
STARKEY: Or what? You’ll put me in prison on an uninhabited planet?

[The laboratory]

JUNE: Can you two knock off the arguing? We’re trying to get you out of there.
YSSARINGINTINKA: Move right.
STARKEY: My right?
YSSARINGINTINKA: Your right.

[Urlic]

THORNE: Come on, move it. By the way, it’s my right, not yours.

[The laboratory]

GRYFFEN: Both of you stop it. On Urlic, everyone’s right.
YSSARINGINTINKA: Not working. Move all the way to the left.

[Urlic]

THORNE: Are you toying with me?
STARKEY: Well, come on. Let’s go.
THORNE: No.

[The laboratory]

K9: Please expedite matters. Less than two minutes to go!
GRYFFEN: Inspector, do what the librarian says. She holds all the cards. Haven’t you realised that yet?
STARKEY: You like this place?

(Thorne moves next to Starkey.)

YSSARINGINTINKA: Hold it there.
K9: You must hurry! Portal closing: 40 seconds.
YSSARINGINTINKA: It doesn’t like two separate entities. Could you put your arms around each other and become one?

[Urlic]

THORNE: What did she say?

[The laboratory]

GRYFFEN: Just do it, Inspector!

[Urlic]

STARKEY: Come on. Doesn’t mean we’re going steady or anything. Come on. (Thorne hugs Starkey.) Have you been eating onions? Garlic?

[The laboratory]

K9: Ten seconds.
YSSARINGINTINKA: I suggest we all step back.

(Everyone does so. Starkey and Thorne are expelled from the card and immediately stop hugging.)

THORNE: I am going to have you all arrested!
YSSARINGINTINKA: Thorne, is that your name? If I hear that you have harmed any of these people, I will erase you.
THORNE: Can you do that?
YSSARINGINTINKA: And there’s another thing I take very seriously. Overdue library cards, and you’re way overdue with Urlic. You deserve erasing for that alone.
THORNE: I didn’t get a reminder notice.
YSSARINGINTINKA: Don’t push me. You humans don’t deserve this lovely planet. You’ve made such a mess of it.

(Yssaringintinka collects the goggles.)

STARKEY: Oh, um, thanks very much, library lady.
YSSARINGINTINKA: It was a pleasure retrieving you. I can’t say the same for this ugly, bony man here. I’ve got my eye on you. Show me out, please.

[The main hall]

(Gryffen shows Yssaringintinka to the front door.)

YSSARINGINTINKA: Why don’t you come back with me? We’re short of men on Ukko.
GRYFFEN: I’m tempted, but the tidy thing might be a problem.
YSSARINGINTINKA: Are you sure?
GRYFFEN: I am tempted, but I’ll pass. Thank you.

(Yssaringintinka taps her heels together and is teleported away.)

[Starkey’s bedroom]

(K9 is on Starkey’s bed. Starkey gets into bed.)

STARKEY: So, did you miss me?
K9: I’m a cybernetic robot. I do not experience emotion. Much.
STARKEY: Whatever you say. (He snaps his fingers and the lights go out. He is still illuminated by the red light from K9’s “eyes”, however.) K9, do you mind?
K9: Sorry.

(K9 switches off.)

STARKEY: I missed you.

Transcript originally provided by Chrissie. Adapted by TARDIS.guide. The transcripts are for educational and entertainment purposes only. All other copyrights property of their respective holders.