Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

GWEN: Excuse me. Have you seen a Blowfish driving a sports car?

(The woman points down the road.)

GWEN: Thank you.

(They drive on.)

WOMAN: Bloody Torchwood.

GWEN: Ianto?

IANTO: Hello.

GWEN: Sorry. Can you deal with the body when it's cold?

IANTO: My pleasure. And I'll be making sushi.

GWEN: No, the morgue'll do fine, thank you.

JOHN: You're putting on weight.

JACK: You're losing your hair.

JOHN: What are you wearing?

JACK: Captain Jack Harkness, note the stripes.

JOHN: Captain John Hart, note the sarcasm.

JACK: Hey, I worked my way up through the ranks.

JOHN: I bet the ranks were very grateful.

JACK: So, how was rehab?

JOHN: Rehabs. Plural.

JACK: Drink, drugs, sex and-

JOHN: Murder.

JACK: Ha! You went to murder rehab?

JOHN: I know. Ridiculous. The odd kill, who does it hurt?

JACK: You clean now?

JOHN: Yeah, kicked everything. Living like a priest.

JACK: We go back.

JOHN: Excuse me. We more than go back. We were partners.

IANTO: In what way?

JOHN: In every way. And then some.

JACK: It was two weeks.

JOHN: Except that two weeks was trapped in a time loop, so we were together for five years. It was like having a wife.

JACK: You were the wife.

JOHN: You were the wife.

JACK: No, you were the wife.

JOHN: Oh, but I was a good wife.

GWEN: John's right. Sorry. Er, do you prefer John or Captain?

JOHN: With eyes like yours, you can call me Vera, I won't complain.

GWEN: Tosh and Owen, take the north. Ianto and Jack go west. Me and Vera'll take the docks.

JOHN: I think I'm starting to see what he likes about this place. She's beautiful, he's stunning.

GWEN: Don't you ever stop?

JOHN: What, five minutes to live and you want me to behave? Oh, that's gorgeous.

GWEN: That's a poodle.

JOHN: That's nice.

GWEN: We have to go.

JOHN: No, no, no, whoa. What about a last minute rescue? What's the point of being on a team if you don't get a last minute rescue?