[The Queen's Hotel, Manchester, 1940]

(During an air raid.)

HILDA: (playing solitaire) Close the window, Basil. There's a war on.
BASIL: Cathedral's been hit. Oh. Don't think there'll be much left. I used to know someone who lived up that way. Long time ago.
HILDA: Woman, was it?
BASIL: Mmm, two women, in fact.
HILDA: Well, that doesn't surprise me.

(Nearby explosion rattles the decanter and glasses.)

BASIL: It's the end of everything, you know. Everything we hold dear. Democracy itself will fall.

(The Doctor enters with a tray.)

DOCTOR: Ham and cheese toastie and a pumpkin latte! No? Okay.

(He leaves by the same door. Basil tries to open it.)

BASIL: It's locked.
HILDA: Well, that door's always been locked.
BASIL: What is that door?

[Orient Express - Italy 1962]

(A woman returns to her compartment. The cast list has her as 'Sylvia Trench' a character from Dr No which was released in 1962. She has a copy of the Penguin edition Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie, which hold handwritten pages. The Doctor enters.)

DOCTOR: Ham and cheese toastie and a pumpkin latte?
SYLVIA: Who are you?
DOCTOR: Wrong room. Never mind.

[Base camp Everest 1953]

(Two men put their heads back inside their tent when they hear a zip.)

DOCTOR: Ham and cheese toastie and a pumpkin latte. Never mind.

[Sandringham Hotel London 2024]

(Yeah, Cardiff actually. A black cab pulls up outside and deposits a young woman in red jacket and beret, with her luggage.)

JOY: Er, do you have a room, please? Just for the week.
ANITA: Single?
JOY: Oh! Does it show?
ANITA: Room, I mean.
JOY: Oh...

[Hotel room]

JOY: Oh. It's quite... Well, it's er...
ANITA: Bathroom's through here.
JOY: There it is. The en suite. What's in here? Oh, it's just that door, isn't it? There's always a door like that in a hotel room, a funny locked one.
ANITA: Anyway, I'll go get you some towels.

(Anita leaves. Joy hears a fly buzzing.)

JOY: Oh! Hello. Merry Christmas. I'm Joy. Welcome to my room. And I thought I was going to be lonely.

(She takes the hairdryer out of the drawer when the locked door opens and a Silurian in a suit, with a briefcase, strides in.)

JOY: Wh-what...?

(The Silurian thinks the hairdryer is a weapon pointed at him, and raises his hands.)

SILURIAN: The star seed will bloom and the flesh will rise.
JOY: What? What is going on?

(Enter the Doctor through the same door.)

DOCTOR: Ham and cheese toastie and a pumpkin latte.

[London Christmas 4202 - Time Hotel foyer]

(Where people dressed for many different time zones walk and talk. The TARDIS materialises, door opens, Doctor exits in dressing gown, yawning and carrying two mugs. He closes the door and walks over to the complementary refreshments dispenser, then puts a mug under one nozzle.)

RECEPTIONIST: Thank you, sir.
MAN: Hello. Is something available on the third floor?
RECEPTIONIST: First visit?
MAN: It is, yes.
RECEPTIONIST: Just a moment.
TREV: Er, sorry, sorry. Refreshments are for hotel guests only. Are you a guest at the hotel?
DOCTOR: Nah, not me. I bring my own room. Just need some milk. Got a nav-com algorithm that homes in on fresh milk. I mean, I could just get a fridge.
TREV: Hey, hey. Sorry, is that a toilet?
DOCTOR: Is it a what?
TREV: You've got a newspaper.
DOCTOR: And a coffee. Who takes a coffee to the loo?
TREV: I dunno. Each to their own. Is somebody else in there?
DOCTOR: N... Ah, yes. Tut. Habit. Never get used to them leaving. Here. Keep the mug. It's bigger on the inside.

[TARDIS]

DOCTOR: Okay... So I just put my coat on. Why did I do that? Oh, and now I'm getting the sonic. What did I see...?

[Time Hotel foyer]

(The man at reception with a briefcase handcuffed to his left wrist.)

DOCTOR: Oh, yeah. Of course. You. Mysterious Mister You.
TREV: Right, no. No, this box wasn't here a moment ago. How did it get here?
DOCTOR: (psychic paper) Special Agent Clint Rock. I've been sent by the head office. This goes all the way up to the top. Look, I've got my own toilet.
TREV: Okay.
DOCTOR: What's your name?
TREV: Er, Trev, sir.
DOCTOR: You're working for me now, Trev. Stroll with me. Keep it casual, like you haven't noticed anything dangerous.
TREV: I haven't noticed anything dangerous.
DOCTOR: Then why aren't you strolling better?
TREV: I'm pretending to not notice something I really haven't noticed. I haven't perfected a stroll for that.
DOCTOR: That guy. Mister Suit Guy, what do we think?
TREV: He's not doing anything.
DOCTOR: And he keeps not doing it. Again and again and again. He hasn't looked up once, and he said it's his first visit.
TREV: So?
DOCTOR: The atrium. I mean, check out the atrium up there. Anyone would look up at that on their first visit.
TREV: We... we're not looking up.
DOCTOR: Because we are on a top-secret, dangerous mission. So what mission is he on with a briefcase chained to his wrist?
RECEPTIONIST: I'm sorry, sir. We can't make the room available until the contemporaneous guests vacate. The bar is open, if you'd care to have a drink while you're waiting.
MAN: Thank you.
TREV: Okay, are we going to follow him?
DOCTOR: Er, no, I hate following people. You've got to stay at the back.

(The man, possibly Mister Single, enters DeTamble's - the surname of the Time Traveller in Audrey Niffengger's novel.)

DOCTOR: The Time Hotel. What's that, then? Time Hotel. What does that mean?

(Madame Pompadour picking out a leaflet, Mr Benn's Any Era Clothes store, a group dressed for the Stone Age, Pharonic Egypt.)

DOCTOR: All of human history now available as mini-breaks? Is that how it works?
TREV: I thought you said you were from head office. Don't you know how it works?
DOCTOR: I like to enter investigations with my mind a complete blank. I fit in better.
TREV: Should I make my mind blank too, sir?
DOCTOR: It may not be necessary in your case, Trev.
TREV: Okay.
DOCTOR: So a hotel, but instead of rooms, time portals, yeah?
TREV: Yeah.
DOCTOR: Oh! Oh! That stone door up there, that is actual stone, live from the Stone Age. God... Live from a submarine. Mesopotamia. (a leaning door) Oh, come on, got to be Pisa.
TREV: Yeah, Pisa.
DOCTOR: Ha! (looking at leaflet) Ancient Rome, the fall of Troy, your favourite assassination. Package deals for all of history's biggest hits. No wonder there was no room at the inn.

(Goes to the reception desk.)

DOCTOR: Excuse me.
RECEPTIONIST: Hi.
DOCTOR: Are there any room service menus available in the lobby?
RECEPTIONIST: Of course, sir. Just a moment.
DOCTOR: Do you know what? This solves the biggest mystery in the known universe. Why is there always an extra door in your hotel room, and why is it always locked? Cos that is the way to the Time Hotel! Speaking of no room at the inn, is this Christmas?
TREV: Er, yes, yes, we're doing a special. Christmas Everywhere All At Once.
RECEPTIONIST: There you are. You just pay on the blue diamond.
DOCTOR: Okay, thank you. Right, what will it be, Trev? A ham and cheese toastie and a pumpkin latte, hmm?
SERVER: Ham and cheese toastie and a pumpkin latte, sir. Enjoy your light snack.
TREV: The kitchens are 30 minutes in the future. They start preparing your food before you order it. It saves time.
DOCTOR: It's still microwaved, though.
TREV: Well, you can't expect miracles.
DOCTOR: Right, I am going undercover. You are going to be my point man down here. Have you got a... a radio or something?
TREV: Yeah, it's... It's implanted, sir. Psychic graft. It's very efficient. It still calls my mum if I forget to flush.

(Sonicks it.)

DOCTOR: My code name is the Doctor. Just say Doctor and it'll put you through to me. Tell me the minute Mister Briefcase leaves the bar.
TREV: Okay.
DOCTOR: I'm going to check out the time portals.
TREV: Why?
DOCTOR: Because, Trev, that is where Mister Briefcase wants to go. Lesson number one. The only meaningful way to follow someone is to get there first. There. Look at me. I'm undercover. Now I am room service.
TREV: Oh, right, yeah. I won't let you down, sir.
DOCTOR: I'm sure you won't.
TREV: No, seriously, I'm on th... I'm on this. This is going to be the least I've ever let anybody down.

[DeTamble's]

MAN: The star seed will bloom and the flesh will rise.
BARMAN: Excuse me?
MAN: Could you put my case behind the bar, please?

(The briefcase detaches from the man and latches onto the barman.)

BRIEFCASE: Access upgrading.

(The man staggers to a table.)

MAN: What do I do now?
BARMAN: Make yourself comfortable, and don't attract attention. You should be dead quite shortly. The star seed will bloom and the flesh will rise.

(The Doctor has gone up to the third floor. Trev is by the bar entrance.)

BARMAN: Trev, can you give me a hand in here? Somebody left this case.

(Trev follows the barman back in and the briefcase switches itself to him.)

TREV: What?
BRIEFCASE: Access upgrading.
BARMAN: Sorry.

(The man disappears in golden sparks.)

TREV: This isn't good, is it? Oh, no...

(The barman goes too.)

TREV: But I was on a mission.

[Third floor]

(The Doctor tries a plain white panelled door. Number 349.)

COMPUTER: This room is not available. While guests local to the time period are still in residence, the room is not available to the Time Hotel.

(So he sonicks it and enters Basil and Hilda's hotel room.)

DOCTOR: Ham and cheese toastie and a pumpkin latte!

(Orient Express.)

DOCTOR: Ham and cheese toastie and a pumpkin latte?

(Everest Base camp.)

DOCTOR: Ham and cheese toastie and a pumpkin latte.

[Time Hotel foyer]

(A Silurian has replaced the receptionist at the desk.)

TREV: The star seed will bloom and the flesh will rise. Sorry, sir, can I just check you have... priority access to all of the time portals, haven't you?
SILURIAN: Yes, Trev. I'm the manager.
BRIEFCASE: Access upgrading.

[Third floor]

(The Doctor closes the zip of the tent on the intrepid Everest pioneers - door 346- and sonicks the tick back to a red cross. The lift next to him dings and the Silurian walks out with the briefcase. The Doctor follows.)

DOCTOR: Trev? Trev?

[DeTamble's]

TREV: Oh, dear. I went and let him down.

(And disappears in a shower of gold.)

[Hotel room]

DOCTOR: Ham and cheese toastie and a pumpkin latte. Oh, hello! Okay, you! Yes! Good work. Keep him covered. Who are you, then? JOY: I'm... Joy.
DOCTOR: Joy! Top name, Joy.
JOY: Wha...? Could someone please...? Can someone just...?

(Anita enters with towels.)

ANITA: Oh!

(Joy puts the hairdryer down.)

JOY: Can someone please tell me what is going on?
DOCTOR: Well...
JOY: Why is there a lizard man in my room?
ANITA: I am so sorry. This has never happened before.
DOCTOR: Question. What is in that case? Can I see?
ANITA: Look, I'm just going to put these towels in the bathroom.
SILURIAN: Take it.
BRIEFCASE: Access upgrading.
DOCTOR: And then what happens? SILURIAN: Take it, and all will be explained.
DOCTOR: I do like an explanation.
JOY: Um, I'd like an explanation, too.
SILURIAN: Take it and understand.
JOY: Er, excuse me. Hello. I would also like to understand, and it's my room, so...
ANITA: It is actually her room.
DOCTOR: Sorry, could you just leave this with us for a moment?
JOY: Oh, am I in the way in my own actual room?
SILURIAN: Take the case. We detect power in you.
JOY: Excuse me. Hello?
DOCTOR: Well, you've got that right. Who's "we"?
JOY: Am I even in this conversation?
DOCTOR: Look, sorry, could you just let me get on with this, please?
JOY: Sorry? Am I in the way?! Oh, this is just men all over, isn't it? Even lizard men.
ANITA: Oh, I know.
DOCTOR: He's a Silurian. Don't call him a lizard man.
JOY: Yeah, but it's just a mask, isn't it? Oh. Are you two having a sort of game? I know all about these hotels.
SILURIAN: The star seed will bloom and the flesh will rise.
JOY: Don't be filthy!
DOCTOR: Okay, funny thing. I saw someone else with that case and now you have it and that doesn't make any sense. He was a guest, and you're a manager, according to your badge. Pardon my French, but what the French is going on? What happened to the first guy that had it? Feeling peaky, is he?
SILURIAN: Take the case and you will know.
DOCTOR: Got to be honest. I am tempted.
JOY: Shut up, the two of you. I'm taking the case.
DOCTOR: No! No, no, no. Oh...
JOY: What's this? What's this on my wrist? Look at this.
DOCTOR: Just stay very still. Let me see.

(Sonicks the handcuff as Anita comes out of the bathroom.)

ANITA: There's your towels all sorted. Just phone down to reception if you want anything else.
JOY: Oh, thank you. You've been very kind.
ANITA: Oh.
JOY: The star seed will bloom and the flesh will rise.
ANITA: Oh, I know.

(Anita leaves. The Silurian is very wobbly.)

SILURIAN: Oh... What do I do now?
JOY: Your motor functions will shut down. You'll be dead in two shakes of a lamb's tail. Pop yourself on the bed before you have a nasty fall.
DOCTOR: What do you mean, dead? What are you talking about, dead?
JOY: Careful, love, you'll scuff the counterpane.

(She takes his keycard and opens the door while the Doctor is focused elsewhere.)

DOCTOR: Listen. Listen to me. You need to focus, hold on. No dying. I'm not having that. You're a Silurian, the proudest race I know. The original inhabitants of Earth. And here you are, millions of years later, running the Time Hotel. I mean, wow, how did that happen? Tell me your story. Cling on to your story.
SILURIAN: I was lost... in the caves. There was a door. This place. They were so kind.
DOCTOR: Those guys... Those guys, they helped you. I love those guys. Stay alive for those guys.
SILURIAN: It was so exciting.

(Then he turns into golden sparkles.)

JOY: Well, that was a bit sad, really, wasn't it?
DOCTOR: Joy... Joy, what happened to him... will happen to you.
JOY: The star seed will bloom and the flesh will rise.
DOCTOR: That's not you speaking. That is an implanted idea that you think you are not allowed to question. You are being mansplained by a briefcase.
JOY: I thought I was being mansplained by you.
DOCTOR: Honey, the Doctor's in the room. It's mansplain central.
JOY: Oh, I'm getting that.
DOCTOR: Do you even know what a star seed is?
JOY: Yes. Do you?
DOCTOR: Okay, no. You've got me there. So let's take a look, shall we?

(He drags her and the briefcase over to the bed.)

JOY: No, don't do that! Don't open it!
DOCTOR: You don't even know why you are saying that! So let's find out.

(The briefcase contains a near-globe pulsing with light.)

DOCTOR: Well! What are you, then, gorgeous?
BRIEFCASE: Please reseal the star seed containment unit within 20 seconds, or the current case-holder will be disintegrated with extreme prejudice.

(A timer starts.)

JOY: Hello? Excuse me?
DOCTOR: Shh. I'm thinking.
JOY: Well, can you close the case and think?
DOCTOR: I'm a very visual person.
JOY: But it's going to disintegrate me!
DOCTOR: Good, good, you care about dying again. That means the control has loosened.
JOY: But I'm actually going to die!
DOCTOR: Not for several seconds. Just live in the moment.
JOY: Please just close the case!
DOCTOR: What is this? What is this for, and why would you bring this to the Time Hotel?
JOY: Close it!
DOCTOR: I feel like I'm missing something obvious.
JOY: Close the case!
DOCTOR: Quiet, please, I don't like being rushed.
JOY: Close it!

(On the stroke of one second.)

DOCTOR: There. Closed. Bags of time.
BRIEFCASE: To complete closure of the star seed containment unit, please enter your four digit security code or the current case-holder will be disintegrated.

(Fifteen second countdown.)

DOCTOR: Oh. I didn't see that coming. Did you see that coming?
JOY: Do you know the code?
DOCTOR: No. Do you?
JOY: No!
DOCTOR: I mean, four digits. That narrows it down to a possible 10,000 numbers. Feeling lucky?
JOY: Really not.
DOCTOR: I mean, the variables are never equally weighted. I could figure it out if I just had...
JOY: What?
DOCTOR: Time. The Time Hotel.
JOY: The what?
DOCTOR: I couldn't use the TARDIS again, that would re-engage the causal nexus, but in this hotel, the time zones are physically connected. They're already interacting. So in theory... Come in!

(Less than five seconds. A second Doctor bursts in.)

FUTURE DOCTOR: 7214.
DOCTOR: 7214.
JOY: Who are you?
FUTURE DOCTOR: Him.
DOCTOR: Me. Okay, good. Oh, stabilising. You're safe.
JOY: How can there be two of you?
DOCTOR: There aren't. He's the future. He's me after I get the code.
FUTURE DOCTOR: I'm not the future, he is the past. The future is this way. Come on.
DOCTOR: No, no! How does this work? How do I get to be you?
FUTURE DOCTOR: The long way round.
DOCTOR: Yes, how long?
FUTURE DOCTOR: You'll find out.

(Joy is out in the corridor of the Time Hotel.)

DOCTOR: What do I do? Where do I go?
FUTURE DOCTOR: You will find out.
DOCTOR: Oh! Do you see? This is why nobody likes you! You have to be mysterious all the time. That's why everyone leaves you. That is why you are always alone.
FUTURE DOCTOR: You have to stay here, complete the loop. It's the only way to get the code. I'm going to break the connection.
JOY: But how did you get the code?
FUTURE DOCTOR: It's a long story, but basically...

(Shuts the door behind him.)

DOCTOR: Jo... Do you know how alone you are?! You live in a great big giant spaceship and there aren't any chairs! And you haven't even noticed because nobody ever comes round! Oh, my God, I don't have any chairs.

(He sonicks the door, and it opens to reveal a brick wall.)

[Sandringham Hotel]

(Downstairs at reception. Jona Lewie's Stop The Cavalry playing.)

DOCTOR: This is Christmas 2024, yeah?
ANITA: Yeah.
DOCTOR: Okay. (checks his Time Hotel brochure - Exeter Hotel New York) Christmas Eve 2025. Okay. So there's no way back to the Time Hotel for a whole year.
ANITA: What are you on about?
DOCTOR: Joy's gone. So's Mister Silurian. Can I have that room for... well, for a year?
ANITA: A year?
DOCTOR: And I'm going to need money, aren't I? Remind me, where do I get money from again? What is your name?
ANITA: Anita.
DOCTOR: Anita. Anita. Anita, do you need anything doing round here?

(As a waiter.)

DOCTOR: Here we go, guys. Sorry about the delay. There you are.
MAN: We...we haven't ordered yet.
DOCTOR: Psychic paper. There you go. There you go.
WOMAN: Why have I got jelly and biscuits?
DOCTOR: Well, like I said, psychic.
WOMAN: I'm on a diet.
DOCTOR: Ah. (checks paper) That's what it's picking up.

(As a cleaner - doing a 'Sorcerer's Apprentice' gag with the mop on the stairs. Who mops a carpeted staircase anyway?)

DOCTOR: Okay?
ANITA: Yeah.

(New Year London fireworks on the reception area TV.)

ANITA: What does it mean, "Auld Lang Syne"?

(The Doctor is sonicking a light switch.)

DOCTOR: "Times long past," that's all. Not forgetting old friends. Hmm.
ANITA: Who are you not phoning? You keep looking at the phone, it's very obvious.
DOCTOR: Nobody.
ANITA: Name?
DOCTOR: Ruby. Ruby Sunday.
ANITA: What's the problem with Ruby?
DOCTOR: No problem. Just... gotta let people get on with their lives.
ANITA: Yeah. You and me. Letting people get on with their lives. For Auld Lang Syne.
DOCTOR: Old friends.

(Having mended the kitchen microwave.)

DOCTOR: Should be working fine now.
ANITA: Yes, but it seems to be bigger on the inside.
DOCTOR: Is it not supposed to be?

(While replacing the landing lightbulb, Anita hands him a plunger.)

ANITA: Blockage in 28.
DOCTOR: Er, is this armed?

(Working out on the fire escape.)

ANITA: You said you'd fix my sat-nav.
DOCTOR: I did!
ANITA: It doesn't take me where I want to go.
DOCTOR: Ah, but it takes you where you need to go.
ANITA: And... why is my car blue now?

[Hotel room]

(The Doctor has a row of various size model TARDISes on a shelf, and has made many drawings of the contents of that briefcase.)

ANITA: Look at that. All lovely and golden. Love it when the clocks go forward, don't you?
DOCTOR: I always have.
ANITA: What are all these?
DOCTOR: Reminders. Of home.
ANITA: Where do you get them?
DOCTOR: Online, mostly. For some reason, there's loads of them.
ANITA: I like them.
DOCTOR: They like you, too. I can tell. Anita... have a chair.
ANITA: You what?
DOCTOR: Sit down with me. Have a chair.

(Sharing a takeaway meal.)

DOCTOR: I'm telling you! I'm telling you!
ANITA: That makes no sense!
DOCTOR: I'm not kidding! Can't move if you're looking at them.
ANITA: But that's rubbish.

(Playing snakes and ladders. The Doctor is sliding down a snake to the start, and being noisy about it.)

ANITA: You know what?
DOCTOR: (sulks) What?
ANITA: This is my favourite night of the week.
DOCTOR: Yeah. Chair night.
ANITA: Chair night.

(Other chair nights... first, when it is raining.)

DOCTOR [OC]: On the yellow. Put your foot on the yellow.
ANITA [OC]: I can't, I'm all twisted!
DOCTOR [OC]: It's called Twister!

(Flowers blooming in the window box opposite.)

DOCTOR [OC]: Miss Scarlett.
ANITA [OC]: Yeah. In the kitchen, with the lead piping.

(Playing Connect4 and eating Easter eggs.)

ANITA: Your go.
DOCTOR: Anita, this door. Do any other rooms here have doors like this?
ANITA: They're mostly cupboards. Well, except in the honeymoon suite.
DOCTOR: Show me. Right now!

[Honeymoon suite]

(Trying to sonic another brick wall.)

DOCTOR: You see, the connection to the Time Hotel isn't active. I can't get through.
ANITA: Not a clue what he's talking about. You guys?

(The baffled honeymoon couple in bed.)

DOCTOR: I guess I just have to wait. I hate waiting, don't you?
COUPLE: Yes.

[Fire escape]

(Sitting wearing shades, catching rays, holding drinks with umbrellas in.)

ANITA: What are you waiting for?
DOCTOR: Sorry, what?
ANITA: You always say you're waiting. What for?
DOCTOR: Nothing. Nothing.

[Hotel room]

(A pumpkin on the opposite windowsill.)

ANITA: I don't like it when the clocks go back. Do you?
DOCTOR: No.

[Fire escape]

(Watching the fireworks display.)

DOCTOR: Oh, he would have loved this, you know.
ANITA: Who?
DOCTOR: Guy.
ANITA: Who's Guy?
DOCTOR: Guy Fawkes. The guy who tried to blow up Parliament. The fireworks are for him.
ANITA: He's not your boyfriend, then.
DOCTOR: I don't have a boyfriend.
ANITA: Yeah. Boyfriends. Who needs them, right?
DOCTOR: Right.

[December 2025 - Hotel reception]

(Chorister singing 'Silent Night.' The Doctor puts a small present on the desk.)

ANITA: So you're not going to be here for Christmas, then? Sneaking off without saying goodbye?
DOCTOR: Just er, just off for a few days.
ANITA: I've heard that one before.
DOCTOR: Anita, I... I... have a... slightly complicated life.
ANITA: Oh God, you're married, aren't you?
DOCTOR: No! No, it's not that. It... it's just er... I don't usually live like this, one day after the other, in the right order. And I always wondered what it would be like. And do you know what it was like? Amazing. And do you know why it was amazing? You.
ANITA: Oh, don't. Don't...
DOCTOR: A whole year of you. Wow. Everyone who knows you is so lucky. I bet you they tell you that all the time.
ANITA: Just the once, actually. Just the one guy.
DOCTOR: But I have things to do. Promises to keep.
ANITA: I always knew you were going. I always knew that. I did.
DOCTOR: I know.
ANITA: You look after yourself, okay? Never be alone at Christmas. You don't need to be, cos I'll be right here. Anita... at the Sandringham. Think of me sometimes. For Auld Lang Syne.
DOCTOR: For Auld Lang Syne.

(Big weepy hug.)

[New York Christmas Eve 2025 - Exeter Hotel]

(The Doctor sits waiting until a light comes on behind that locked door, then he sonicks it open and walks across the Time Hotel third floor corridor to...)

PAST DOCTOR [OC]: Come in!

[Hotel room 2024]

DOCTOR: 7214.
PAST DOCTOR: 7214!
JOY: Who are you?
DOCTOR: Him.
PAST DOCTOR: Me. Okay, good. Oh, stabilising. You're safe.
JOY: How can there be two of you?
PAST DOCTOR: There aren't. He's the future. He's me after I get the code.
DOCTOR: I'm not the future, he is the past. The future is this way. Come on.
PAST DOCTOR: No, no! How does this work? How do I get to be you?
DOCTOR: The long way round.
PAST DOCTOR: Yes, how long?
DOCTOR: You'll find out.
PAST DOCTOR: What do I do? Where do I go?
DOCTOR: You will find out.
PAST DOCTOR: Oh! Do you see? This is why nobody likes you! You have to be mysterious all the time. That's why everyone leaves you, why you are always alone.
DOCTOR: You have to stay here, complete the loop. It's the only way to get the code. I'm going to break the connection.
JOY: But how did you get the code?
DOCTOR: It's a long story... but basically...

[Time Hotel corridor]

PAST DOCTOR [OC]: Do you know how alone...
DOCTOR: I heard myself say it a year ago, and I remembered it.
JOY: But I don't... I can't...
DOCTOR: Yeah, bootstrapping. It's weird, I know. I mean, basically the code came from nowhere, but then so did the universe, and no one complains about that.
JOY: Oh, but you never got the code. When did you get the code? What, you just time-travelled and told yourself?
DOCTOR: No time travel involved. That would cause a paradox. In this hotel, the time zones are already physically linked, yeah? Paradox-proof. Just... breaking the connection.
JOY: When you explain things, do people feel any better?
DOCTOR: Not usually, no. (to his past self) Take care, you. Be kind. You'll miss her.
JOY: The star seed....
DOCTOR: Yes. Yes! The star seed! Oh, I have had a long time to think about it. Several seconds, in fact. And I'm pretty sure I've figured it out. I even know why they need the Time Hotel.
JOY: The star seed will bloom and the flesh will rise.
DOCTOR: I resealed that case. Now it is reasserting control. Joy? You need to fight it, Joy.
JOY: The assassination of Julius Caesar. Well, that won't do, will it?
DOCTOR: So you're scouting for the right time zone.
JOY: My room wasn't far enough back in time. Neither is this. I think we'll need the top floor.
DOCTOR: For what? Do you even understand what you are trying to accomplish?
JOY: Yes.
DOCTOR: Okay. Okay, here's what I worked out. Inside that case, inside some sort of quantum-sealed container, is a single atom, and in that atom, a chain reaction has already begun. Do you know what that chain reaction will lead to?
JOY: The star seed will bloom.
DOCTOR: A star will be born, yes. Big, burny bang. In theory. But no-one's ever been able to test that theory because it would take too long. Thousands of years, maybe more. No one knows.
JOY: You do like to talk, don't you?
DOCTOR: So if you were some big old corporation in a big old hurry, and you wanted a custom-built, made-to-measure star for your own personal energy source, you would need one thing, yeah. Time. And here we are in the Time Hotel. Pop your case in one time zone, walk along the corridor to another time zone thousands of years later... ding-ding-ding! You just microwaved a star.

[Lift]

JOY: Going up.
DOCTOR: Oh. Do you know what else I worked out, Joy? You. Oh, I just spent a year in a hotel room that you chose. Do you know what you can tell about a person from the hotel room that they choose?
JOY: Nothing.
DOCTOR: Everything. Everything. You see, a house, that's a... that's a disguise. It's a fortress. You can... you can hide yourself away with... with pictures and flowers and... and tables, but... a hotel room? That's you without make-up. It's what do you think you need. It's what you're willing to accept. Not a selfie that you posed for, more like catching yourself in the mirror. What's your mirror telling you, Joy? Because your room was the worst, loneliest, saddest hotel room in the world. What kind of person, what kind of sad-sack human train wreck puts themselves in a room like that, at Christmas?

[Time Hotel top floor]

DOCTOR: Question for you, seriously. When you tell people your name, do they laugh?
JOY: Excuse me?
DOCTOR: When you come in, all smiles and apologies, and don't mind me's, and you say, "I'm Joy," does everybody burst out laughing? When your mother looked into your squishy little baby face and named you Joy, was it a joke, do you think? Was she having a laugh?
JOY: Don't you dare talk about my mother.
DOCTOR: Oh, I'd love to meet her. She sounds like a riot.
JOY: She's dead. She died in hospital. I couldn't even visit. I had to talk to her on an iPad because of the rules.

(So, 2020 then.)

DOCTOR: Oh, the rules.
JOY: Yes, the rules.
DOCTOR: And I bet you're good at obeying those rules. Funny, smiley, "I'll-be-no-trouble" little you.
JOY: Don't you say that. Don't you say that!

(And goes through a bamboo door to -)

[Posh treehouse]

(With potted plants, a pair of hammocks, a writing bureau and two chairs looking out over the balcony across the forest. There is even a brass telescope fastened to the balcony.)

DOCTOR: Never mind poor old Mum, right? As long as her good little girl is obeying all the rules.
JOY: She died on Christmas Day. On Christmas Day! I said goodbye on an iPad! Because of the rules! She died alone! And those awful people and their wine fridges, and their dancing, and their parties, and I listened to them, and I let my mother die alone! So I can never be home on Christmas Day, and I can never be with anyone on Christmas Day because I let her down. I let her down on the last day of her life, on Christmas Day. I can't ever change that. I can't ever change it.
DOCTOR: Mums, eh? Even when they're gone, they never stop saving us. Look, Joy. Look what's not in your hand.

(The briefcase is lying on the floor.)

JOY: Why did you do that?
DOCTOR: I'm sorry, yeah? Made you angry to wake you up. It's kind of like post-hypnotic suggestion. You can break it down... with strong emotion.

(The chain and handcuff snaps at him as he scans it.)

JOY: Had to be anger, did it?
DOCTOR: With you, definitely. All that rage bubbling away, just below the surface. Have you seen your smile? Like the lid on a boiling pot.
JOY: Thank you.
DOCTOR: You're thinking that maybe that wasn't a good way to save your life. Let me tell you something. There's no such thing as a bad way. I'm sorry, Joy.
JOY: It was beautiful. I was a star.
DOCTOR: That's the conditioning talking. It will pass. I am not the bad guy here, Joy. Let's meet the bad guys. Wherever there's a corporation, there is PR. They just can't stop themselves. Evil... must logo.

(Sonicks up the holographic logo.)

JOY: Conflict Solutions?
DOCTOR: Villengard. Oh. Biggest arms manufacturer in recorded history. Very old enemies of mine.
JOY: Why would a weapons manufacturer want to make a star?
HOLOGRAM: Villengard Q&A activated. Villengard is engaged in the creation of a customisable energy source which is functionally infinite.
DOCTOR: And definitionally insane.
JOY: Doctor... That voice. I know that voice.

(The Silurian.)

HOLOGRAM: Hello again. My consciousness has been uploaded to the communication interface for user convenience.
DOCTOR: If a star seed goes boom anywhere on Earth at any point in history, it will burn every living thing. Tell that to your users.
HOLOGRAM: Villengard respects the collateral sacrifice made by all participating innocent lifeforms, regardless of race, species, or belief system.
DOCTOR: The thing is, you've got your sums all wrong. I've been scanning your star seed, and you don't have enough time. Nowhere near enough time to grow a star.

(Approaching heavy stomping is making things shake.)

JOY: Doctor...
DOCTOR: I mean, clever idea, the Time Hotel. But human history is only a few thousand years long. You're going to need a lot longer than that. Like, way longer. According to my calculations, you would need to check into the Time Hotel 65 million years ago.

(Enormous carnivorous lizard with massive teeth and tiny arms takes a bite out of the treehouse and swallows the briefcase.)

DOCTOR: Oh, French!

(The - presumably Silurian then? - treehouse rocks, sending them sliding towards that big mouth, then tilts back again. A record player starts up with jazz music? This makes even less sense than usual.)

DOCTOR: Oh!

[Time Hotel top floor]

(They shut the door just before the dinosaur headbutts it.)

JOY: Oh! Oh! Oh...
DOCTOR: Okay?
JOY: Yeah.
DOCTOR: Yeah?
JOY: Yeah.
DOCTOR: Okay! Many things about this are... suboptimal.
JOY: So... so, dinosaurs, they were about 65 million years ago, yeah?
DOCTOR: Fine, bring that up, why don't you? That speech was going really well!
JOY: So that means about now, about my time... the whole world is going to burn.
DOCTOR: But that wouldn't be part of the plan. Villengard would have to pick up the case again just before detonation. How would they find it? They would have to send a signal.
JOY: Okay, where to?
DOCTOR: To you. To the last case carrier. They would send a telepathic message to you.
JOY: Er, I'm not getting a message.
DOCTOR: Because the link got severed. I forced the break. I damaged the connection. I screwed up, Joy. I screwed up.
JOY: What's that buzzing noise? Uh, uh, Doctor, your thing is buzzing.
DOCTOR: Listen, all of me is pretty stressed.
JOY: No, your... zappy thing.
DOCTOR: This... this is a sonic screwdriver. Actually, "zappy thing" makes more sense.
JOY: Oh!

(Joy places the sonic on the railing.)

HOLO-TREV: Hello, sir. Trev Simpkins reporting for duty.
DOCTOR: Trev!
HOLO-TREV: Hello again, sir. I hope it's all... going well. My mission is proceeding broadly as planned, and I have exceeded my personal expectations, which is giving me considerable satisfaction and renewed hope for the future. However, I'm dead.
DOCTOR: You're what? Sorry, wha...? You're what?
HOLO-TREV: I'm part of the star now, sir. My consciousness has been uploaded to the Villengard communication interface.
DOCTOR: You're inside the star?
HOLO-TREV: Yes, sir.
DOCTOR: Inside the star, inside the briefcase, inside the dinosaur?
HOLO-TREV: The afterlife has not been without incident, sir.
DOCTOR: How are you even talking to me?
HOLO-TREV: The psychic graft has been duplicated virtually. I was able to connect it to the briefcase communication software.
DOCTOR: That was very clever.
HOLO-TREV: Well, I've had several million years to work it out. Sir, the star seed is about to detonate. We have to get it off-world.
DOCTOR: Why would you be helping me? You're part of Villengard now.
HOLO-TREV: As I told you a very long time ago, I will not let you down, sir.
DOCTOR: Trev, I love you.
HOLO-TREV: Oh.
DOCTOR: I actually, really, physically love you, Trev.
HOLO-TREV: Thanks.
DOCTOR: But I need you to tell me exactly when and where you are. I know that you're stuck inside there, but the case will have sensors. Can you access air density, humidity, temperature, rotational mavity? Anything I can use to narrow it down?
HOLO-TREV: I'll run those numbers straight away, sir.
DOCTOR: Great, brilliant, Trev.
HOLO-TREV: Oh, in the meantime, if it helps, we're in room 48.
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, that helps quite a lot, Trev! Thank you!

[Ancient shrine]

(A cave with a stone door, lit by fires in brass bowls, a pillar in the middle with a fancy decorated metal ring set into the centre of a slab in the front.)

DOCTOR: Okay, I think we've located you, Trev. Stand by. I'm on the case.
HOLO-TREV: Standing by, sir.
JOY: The case is inside that? How did it get there?
DOCTOR: Eventually, the dinosaur would have thrown it up or deposited it. Either way, it would have lain around for millions of years hijacking any living thing that passed it by. This structure is man-made, so we're a long time later.
JOY: But it's a shrine.
DOCTOR: The case emits a psychic field. It possesses people. It's basically how you start a religion. It's getting warm. Trev, how long till star detonation?
HOLO-TREV: Four and a half millennia, sir.
DOCTOR: Do you want to run those numbers again, Trev?
HOLO-TREV: Er... Four and a half minutes, sir.
DOCTOR: Oh! Great! Bags of time! Thanks for that, Trev.

(Pulling at the ring, trying to access the inside of the pillar.)

JOY: Oh... What are you going to do? What's the plan? How do you stop a star blooming?
DOCTOR: Throw it into space using a phone box.
JOY: A what?
DOCTOR: Rope!
JOY: Rope?
DOCTOR: Rope! Oh, I need rope. I saw rope. Where did I see rope? Oh... Just wait. Just wait right there. I am very, very good with rope.

[Base camp Everest]

HILLARY: ..this is the most technical part of the climb. Now, if the weather holds...

(The Doctor takes a stout rope with a grappling hook.)

TENZING: You! What are you doing?
HILLARY: What the devil are you doing? Why are you taking that equipment?
DOCTOR: Because it was there.

[Orient Express]

DOCTOR: Sorry! Hello again! Coming through.

(Running through the train, unwinding the rope behind him until he gets to the final locked door, which he sonicks. Up on the carriage roof, he throws the grappling hook and it digs into the track, jerking the train. The rope strains across the Time Hotel and finally pulls the stone out of the pillar. The rope breaks and whips through the train.)

[Ancient shrine]

(Joy sees the briefcase lying at the bottom of a set of stairs leading up from the pillar. It opens.)

JOY: It's okay. Don't worry. We're going to be fine. We can do this, you and I. I want you to live.

[Orient Express]

(The Doctor treads on the letter Sylvia has dropped. He picks it up and speed-reads it.)

DOCTOR: You are better off without him. His sentence structure is appalling.
SYLVIA: I wrote this letter.
DOCTOR: Great letter. You should send it to him.
SYLVIA: To her.
DOCTOR: Glad I could help.

[Time Hotel]

DOCTOR: Trev? Trev, how long have we got? Sorry! Sorry!
HOLO-TREV [OC]: Sorry, sir, it's about to detonate.

[Ancient shrine]

(The stone block is partially blocking the doorway.)

DOCTOR: Joy!

(He sees the star seed is missing from the briefcase.)

DOCTOR: Joy!

(He sees light at the top of the steps, and ascends.)

[Hilltop]

(Night. Joy is glowing gold.)

DOCTOR: Joy?
JOY: I was hoping you'd come back to say goodbye. You're very lovely, you know.
DOCTOR: Joy... Joy, the star seed...
JOY: Is in me now. It's in all of us.

(Flips through images of the barman etc.)

TREV: Mission complete, sir.
JOY: The star seed will bloom. But don't worry, it will be far from here, deep in the sky. No one will be hurt. Know what? I think I'm saving the world.
DOCTOR: Joy, I am supposed to be saving you! I will not allow Villengard to do this to you - not to any of you.
JOY: Villengard are nothing. We're far beyond them now.
DOCTOR: Listen, you don't understand. Joy, you will burn. You will die.
JOY: Don't be silly. Of course I won't. I'm not dying. I'm changing. I'm saving something beautiful. The flesh will rise and the star will shine. I will shine... everywhere and forever. And sometimes, my funny little Doctor, on you. Because you need to change, too.
DOCTOR: Excuse me?
JOY: My hotel room. All those things you said about me.
DOCTOR: Joy, I... I just had to make you angry. I told you.
JOY: Everything you said was true. All of it. But, Doctor... you stayed in that room for a year.
DOCTOR: That wasn't so bad. Nice chairs.
JOY: You need to find a friend. Do that. Go and find one now. I'll be watching.

(Joy floats up into the sky.)

JOY: You see, Doctor? You see? My mum was right, wasn't she? She was right all along. I'm Joy. And I'm going to see her again. And she's going to be with me.

(Joy transforms into golden energy and flies off to detonate into a star in space.)

[Queens Hotel Manchester]

(All clear sounding.)

BASIL: There's hope, you know. We've got to cling on to that. There's still hope.
(As a bright star shines down.
Meanwhile, Sylvia re-reads her letter, and tears it up.)

[Base camp Everest]

TENZING: I think the weather will hold, my friend.
HILLARY: Of course it will. It's in the stars.

(The star doesn't even twinkle through the atmosphere...)

[Ruby's home]

(She looks out at a bright star. Her phone buzzes.)

RUBY: Hi, Mum.

[Hotel room]

(Anita is vacuuming the carpet. She looks at the model TARDIS, turns off the machine and picks it up, then out the window at that bright star. The locked door opens.)

ANGELA: You come highly recommended. By an old friend of yours, I believe. Would you be interested in working at the Time Hotel?
(Angela gives Anita a Christmas card. Inside it says "for Auld Lang Syne".

[London 2020 - Royal Hope Hospital]

(Where Martha Jones once worked.)

JOY [on iPad]: Mum, I'll see you soon. I'll see you very soon. As soon as this nonsense is over, I'll be right in there. You be brave. Merry Christmas. And I can't wait to see you properly. Bye.

(Mum looks out of the window to see the star, and a golden glow grows inside her.)

MUM: Joy...

(And streams out to the star.)

[Hilltop]

(The Doctor looks down from the bright new star and across the valley to the next hilltop.)

DOCTOR: Oh, of course. Joy. Of course you are, you're Joy. Joy to the world!

(And the lights of the town of Bethlehem, 0001.)

Transcript originally provided by Chrissie. Adapted by TARDIS.guide. The transcripts are for educational and entertainment purposes only. All other copyrights property of their respective holders.