The Sins of Cpt. John

#1.04. Darker Purposes ~ 8/10

‘The Sins of Cpt. John’ features adult content and themes which may not be suitable for all audiences. Reader discretion advised.

◆ An Introduction

I think we can all agree that Captain John is a bit of a pillock. He practically oozes charisma and fourth wall breaking comedy, but he’s still been a piece of work since we first clapped eyes on him in ‘Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang’.

But what happens when he’s confronted with people even more reprehensible than himself?

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Captain John arrives at the funeral of one of the galaxy's richest men. He died without making a will, and his heirs have some very creative ideas about how this can be put to rights involving murder, necromancy and seduction. Sadly, Captain John is only too happy to oblige.

◆ Cpt. John Hart

‘Darker Purposes’ featured a fantastic performance from James Marsters.

John wastes no time in breaking the fourth wall during the cold open: the theme tune refuses to play, and he scolds the director for it. He’s described as a bounty hunter, and it’s a job that can be quite dangerous. When the resurrected Uther Vargosh begins chanting the same phrase the severed head of Cromwell did, John cacks his pants with the force of an elephant gun – he strongly advises destroying the Gauntlets: he would’ve had them deactivated, but he chucked the only person who could do so out of an airlock! He has a problem with Ilsa’s plans to eliminate Chester; he cannot cook, and he really wasn’t kidding either – the air is filled with him swearing as he messes it all up! Even John thinks it’s kind of dark that Ilsa wants to woo-hoo him just after killing her husband. Jillix describes the good Captain as a confidence trickster, and the worst kind of gold digger. Of course he would make 696969 the code to unlock the spaceship!

◆ Story Recap

Captain John has been successful in retrieving the Gauntlets, and is currently lapping up all the luxuries of Vargosh Palace – whilst getting periodically bedded by Ilsa Vargosh. Unfortunately, he let his guard down, allowing a gateway to Hell to start spewing out killer ghosts!

◆ Treading Old Ground

It’s crucial to have an exciting opening episode that gives you a reason to keep on listening, something David Llewellyn absolutely succeeded with in this box set. By the same token, the finale must succeed in wrapping up all the loose plot threads and give you a satisfying conclusion… which he also does with this episode.

I completely agree with the people who criticise the plot in ‘Darker Purposes’ – it doesn’t have much in the way of depth – but the wit and humour is absolutely on fire! The first half definitely felt like we were retreading old ground, being strongly reminiscent of Llewellyn’s side-splitting comedy outing, ‘Serpent in the Silver Mask’. Vargosh Palace is remarkably similar to Argentia, except that we don’t have Samuel West voicing ninety percent of the characters. The main difference is that this episode comes bundled in with the stereotypical Torchwood-isms, like having characters spend several scenes bedding each other!

◆ Sound Design

Rob Harvey’s soundscape for the finale is gorgeously dramatic.

Vargosh Palace collapses around John, as he hides in a cleaning cupboard during his last moments. Old fashioned music plays over a gramophone in the Vargosh siblings’ decadent personal lounge. The gauntlets activate with a surge of sparking electricity. Choral music plays at the funeral of Uther Vargosh. The scenes of Captain John attempting to cook are hilarious; with clashing pans and censored swear words every second. The voices of ghosts consume Vargosh Palace, and they sound a little bit similar to the Eminence at times… which isn’t surprising, since Uther Vargosh is played by David Sibley.

◆ Conclusion

“Dark is the valley, and fierce are the flames.”

Captain John has delivered the Risen Mittens… only for them to open a portal to the underworld, and unleash dozens of homicidal ghosts on a giant space palace.

Despite the plot feeling a little basic, ‘Darker Purposes’ was a great conclusion to this set. David Llewellyn has done a magnificent job with all four of these episodes, and I’ve got everything crossed that this is the first volume of many. If you want a good laugh, purchase ‘The Sins of Captain John’.