[Street]

(A Department camo is on the move.)

[Department camo]

(A technician is operating a computer. An alert sounds.)

COMPUTER: Warning. Atmosphere breach.

[Space]

(A flying pyramid approaches Earth.)

[Department camo]

(Drake approaches the technician and pushes a button on the keyboard.)

COMPUTER: Target sequence initiated. It is not changing course.
DRAKE: Wouldn’t be any fun if it did.
COMPUTER: Orbital missiles online. Acquiring target lock.

[Space]

(The pyramid is getting closer.)

[Department camo]

(June enters.)

JUNE: Drake, stop. We’re still waiting on the threat analysis from Central. Assuming it even is an alien craft and not just an ordinary chunk of space debris, you can’t simply blow them out of the sky.
COMPUTER: Target acquired.
DRAKE: Standing orders, Turner. Earth is private property. No trespassers allowed.
JUNE: And if they come in peace?
DRAKE: They leave in pieces.

[Space]

(The pyramid disappears.)

[Department camo]

COMPUTER: Target lost.
DRAKE: What? Status report
COMPUTER: Render confirmation. It is gone.
DRAKE: Gone?
COMPUTER: Burnt up in the atmosphere.
JUNE: I told you. It was just a meteor.
DRAKE: When is it ever just a meteor?

[Woods]

(Starkey, Jorjie and K9 are sat in the grass, stargazing.)

STARKEY: My favourite’s still the one with the ocean of brains.
JORJIE: Oh, yeah. Which one’s that again?
K9: Montoon system. Second planet out from the Sun.

(Unseen by them, CCPCs are approaching.)

JORJIE: And you’ve actually been to all these different worlds?
K9: Affirmative. At least, I think so. My memory banks are so jumbled, it’s hard to be sure sometimes. (A CCPC steps on a nearby sign reading “KEEP OFF THE GRASS”.) Danger! Incoming threat.
STARKEY: Please tell me you’re not out after your mum’s curfew again.
CCPC: ‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello. What’s all this, then? What are you doing out here?

(Camouflaged, the pyramid descends.)

JORJIE: Is that a spaceship?
K9: Course of action: investigate.

(K9 flies into the pyramid and falls.)

CCPC: Unlawful use of alien technology. Category 10 violation. That’s a no-no, sonny Jim. (Two Anubians appear in columns of light.) Alien beings. Destroy them.

(The Anubians send out energy beams which incapacitates the CCPCs.)

STARKEY: Nice! Uh, hello there. My name’s Starkey. This is Earth.
NEHETKA: Seize the Starkeys.

(K9 flies between them.)

K9: Back off, buster!
NEHETKA: By the twin suns of Anubis! The almighty K9! Can it really be you?
K9: Affirmative.
GEB: Affirmative! It speaks the ancient word of affirmation!

(The two Anubians get to their knees.)

NEHETKA: Oh, glorious day! Our Great Liberator has returned!
NEHETKA AND GEB: All hail the mighty K9! All hail the Great Liberator!
STARKEY: Friends of yours?

[The laboratory]

(Gryffen and Darius feel a quake.)

GRYFFEN AND DARIUS: I didn’t do it.

(Starkey enters.)

STARKEY: Sorry about the racket. Just some of K9’s old mates parking their spaceship.
GRYFFEN: Oh, I see.

(K9 enters.)

K9: I’m telling you, I’ve never met them before.
STARKEY: They sure seem to know you.
GRYFFEN: Spaceship? What spaceship?
STARKEY: Just the invisible one hovering above the manor.
GRYFFEN: I don’t see anything.
STARKEY: That’s kind of the point. (On a screen, the pyramid’s shape above the manor can be made out.) It’s not like we wanted the Department crashing the reunion.
GRYFFEN: Reunion?

(The two Anubians materialise. They bow.)

NEHETKA: Great One.
GRYFFEN: Great One?
K9: Apparently. Look, you’ll have to forgive me but I’m having a bad week. Who are you, exactly?
NEHETKA: But, of course, Great One. Forgive me. My name is Nehetka and this is my companion, Geb.
GRYFFEN: And you’ve met K9 before?
NEHETKA: Met him? No, but for generations we Anubians have cherished the legacy our Great Liberator bestowed upon us.
STARKEY: Legacy? What legacy?
DARIUS: Yeah, and what the heck’s an Anubian?
NEHETKA: Must these runts always interrupt?
DARIUS: Oi, who are you calling a runt?

[The dining room]

(Nehetka puts down a book and shows the illustrations within.)

NEHETKA: For millennia, we Anubians were forced to serve by our overlord masters, the Huducts, until one day came our Great Liberator, the mighty K9.

(Nehetka turns to a page with a drawing of K9 Mark 1.)

DARIUS: Wait, hold on. You’re saying that wobbly-looking box is meant to be K9?
GRYFFEN: Darius!
DARIUS: What? I’m just saying. Take an art class or something.
NEHETKA: The great K9 saw our wretched plight and freed us from our enslavement. He led our ancestors into a new age of enlightenment.
K9: So you say, but honestly I’m having trouble remembering any of it.
DARIUS: I’m not surprised. Who would want to remember being a wobbly box?
GRYFFEN: Darius, please!
DARIUS: What? Come on, I’m just teasing the dopey mutt.
NEHETKA: Remove him.

(Geb grabs a hold of Darius.)

DARIUS: Hey, wait! Let go of me!
GRYFFEN: Look, Darius, perhaps it’s best you went and clowned around somewhere else.
DARIUS: Oh, fine. Fine. (He pulls himself out of Geb’s grip.) I’m going, okay? This history lesson’s getting boring anyway.
STARKEY: So, how does the rest of the story go?

(Nehetka closes the book before Starkey can turn the page.)

NEHETKA: Perhaps another time. The hour grows late and Geb and I have journeyed far.

[The laboratory]

(Gryffen is looking at the pyramid on the screen and making notes.)

GRYFFEN: Remarkable. Near perfect invisibility.

(Nehetka comes up behind him.)

NEHETKA: And necessary.

(Geb also enters.)

GRYFFEN: Ah, still up, I see. Yes, ah, necessary. Well, um, the, um…
NEHETKA: Yes, the Department. The great K9 informed us of his enemies.
GRYFFEN: Oh. Oh, well, I’d hardly call them enemies. Some of their methods notwithstanding, they are here to safeguard the planet.
NEHETKA: As I said, enemies.
GEB: They will trouble you no more.

(They escort Gryffen out.)

[The garage]

(Geb is looking through the devices in the garage. Darius, sleeping in an armchair, wakes up.)

DARIUS: Hey. Hey, hey. What’s the big idea? Oi, Muttley, keep your dirty paws away from my car.

(Geb growls. Darius leaves.)

[The main hall]

(Darius enters through the front door.)

DARIUS: You are never going to believe what Lassie the Wonder Good is doing in the gar… (He notices that the main hall has been redecorated in an Ancient Egyptian theme. Gryffen and Starkey are there.) Whoa. What’s with the redecorating?
STARKEY: I was just asking the professor the same thing.

(Jorjie comes in through the front door.)

GRYFFEN: You know, I just love what they’ve done with the place.
STARKEY: It’s Renovation Rescue: Anubian Style.
JORJIE: What’s with the headband?
GRYFFEN: Oh, uh, Nehetka gave this to me in gratitude for my hospitality.
DARIUS: Hey.

(Darius steps towards Gryffen, but Geb steps in the way with a shepherd’s crook.)

JORJIE: Look, we need to have a word with our friend.
DARIUS: Yeah, you know, Lord Fancy Pants himself. The almighty K9.

(K9 is hovering next to Nehetka.)

STARKEY: Hey, K9. K9, over here.

(K9 is unresponsive. Darius blows his dog whistle.)

K9: You blew?
STARKEY: K9, we need to talk.
DARIUS: Well, it’s about time you got your tin tocks over here. Well, look at what your deadbeat mates have been doing around the place.
K9: Oh, this. Nehetka said a change of scenery might help jog my memory banks.
NEHETKA: What is that? That abomination?

(Darius holds up the dog whistle.)

K9: This? It’s just my dog whistle.

(Geb tries to take the dog whistle from Darius and grabs his arm.)

GEB: Dog whistle? Dog whistle? How dare you command the Great Liberator in such a manner!
K9: Nehetka, wait. What’s all this about?
NEHETKA: Freedom is everything. You taught us that, remember?
K9: I… I think so. A tad bombastic, but it does sound like me.
JORJIE: Let him go! He didn’t do anything.
NEHETKA: Didn’t he? We’re under your roof, Gryffen. What do you say? Should we send him away?
GRYFFEN: Banish him.
DARIUS: Banish me? Prof, what are you talking about?
GRYFFEN: Darius, I want you gone from my house. I want you gone, never to return.
DARIUS: Forget this.

(Darius pulls his arm from Geb’s grip and walks out.)

JORJIE: Darius, wait.

(Starkey and Jorjie go after him, but Geb stands in the way and holds out his hand. Starkey and Jorjie hand over their dog whistles.)

STARKEY: What’s gotten into you, prof? (He looks at K9.) And you.

(Starkey and Jorjie exit.)

[Outside the manor]

(Starkey and Jorjie stand on the doorstep.)

JORJIE: Darius, wait! Come back.

(Mariah’s tyres screech.)

[Starkey’s bedroom]

(Starkey and Jorjie enter.)

STARKEY: So, what, mind control? Yeah, it’s got to be mind control.
JORJIE: Well, that would certainly get the professor off the hook but…
STARKEY: But what?
JORJIE: Look, don’t take this the wrong way, but what do we really know about K9? I mean, the old K9, that is.
STARKEY: No, I don’t. I can’t believe that. K9’s a good fellow. He’s just confused, that’s all.
JORJIE: Maybe. (She closes the door.) Or maybe he’s a bad dog whose mind’s beginning to clear.
STARKEY: I just need to talk to him.
JORJIE: Well, you can try, but I’m telling you he’s changed.

(Starkey opens the door and they exit.)

] [The main hall]

(Gryffen is wearing Ancient Egyptian attire and leading Starkey and Jorjie to K9, who is robed and flanked by Nehetka and Geb.)

GRYFFEN: I present to you, o Great One, young Starkey and Mistress Jorjie.
STARKEY: K9, we need to talk. Alone.
K9: Negative. I’m trying to bypass my blocked memory banks by cross-referencing the new data Nehetka’s giving me.
STARKEY: Please, K9. This is important. K9? K9?
K9: So is this, Starkey. Just think. I could be moments away from finding the key that will undo my lost memories.
STARKEY: I realise that, but, K9…
K9: All of this time I have been incomplete, fighting one small battle at a time. It’s not enough.
STARKEY: What do you mean?
K9: You need to be liberated. London must be freed from the control of the Department.
JORJIE: It’s more complicated than that. The Department’s not all bad. My mum…
NEHETKA: Is misguided. The system she upholds is corrupt.
K9: Starkey, how often have you told me that?
STARKEY: So, you and the Anubians are going to war against the Department?
K9: Negative. Not war. Not that.
NEHETKA: Indeed. War suggests a contest of arms. Believe me, there will be no contest.
STARKEY: Are you even listening to what this guy is saying? K9?
K9: Oh, here’s something. Who’s Tenklept? Why do I know that name?
NEHETKA: Legend has it, o Great One, Tenklept was the Anubian Glomp you saved from being eaten by a ravenous Yakoclaw.
K9: Nice.

(Starkey and Jorjie leave.)

[Outside the manor]

(Jorjie goes up to the front door and opens the letterbox.)

JORJIE: Starkey? Starkey?

[The main hall]

(Starkey opens the front door. Jorjie enters.)

JORJIE: So, what’s the plan?
STARKEY: Sneaking a peek at that precious book of Nehetka’s.
JORJIE: Oh, great. A covert book report.
STARKEY: Trust me. I’ve got a hunch it’s going to be quite the page turner. (Sneaking past the sleeping Anubians, Starkey takes the book.) Come on.

(They leave.)

[Starkey’s bedroom]

(Starkey and Jorjie are reading the book. Starkey turns to the page showing K9 flying away.)

STARKEY: Okay, so, there’s K9 leaving. What comes next?

(The next page shows an Anubian with several blue aliens. The blue aliens are wearing headbands.)

JORJIE: Isn’t that the same headband they gave Gryffen?

(The next page shows an Anubian making overtures towards a green alien. The next shows the green aliens under the Anubians’ rule.)

STARKEY: This isn’t good. (The next page shows an Anubians with a Sea Devil.) Not good. (Three pyramids firing at a Jixen.) Not good. (A pyramid firing at two Aeolians.) Not good. (An Anubian with its hand on the head of an Alpha Centauran. Two pyramids attacking a Mandrel. Starkey closes the book.) The only kind of liberation these creeps are interested in is liberating everyone else of their free will.
JORJIE: K9 doesn’t know any of this. We have to warn him.

(Nehetka and Geb enter.)

GEB: Insurrection!

(Nehetka and Geb fire energy from their hands. Headbands appear on Starkey and Jorjie.)

NEHETKA: Now, kneel.

(Starkey and Jorjie do so.)

[The garage]

(Darius has parked Mariah. He gets out.)

DARIUS: Banish me, will you?

[The main hall]

(Darius enters through the front door. Gryffen is playing a mandolin and Nehekta and Geb are stood nearby.)

DARIUS: Prof, about before, I… Are you wearing eye makeup? (He notices Starkey and Jorjie in Egyptian garb and makeup, fanning K9.) Oh, you can’t be serious. Don’t tell me they got you guys too? Starkey? Jorjie? Jorjie, please. It’s me, Darius.
NEHETKA: Didn’t you get the message? Tell him, human.
GRYFFEN: You’re not wanted here.
DARIUS: K9. Say something, K9. Answer me!
K9: Hm? Hm? Morning, Darius. Sorry, I didn’t hear you. Running these deep memory scans doesn’t allow my scant processing power to concentrate on anything else.
DARIUS: K9, you have to listen to me. There is something terribly wrong going on here.
NEHETKA: Ignore the child.
DARIUS: I’ve figured it all out. This is not the real professor and neither are those two (unclear) jockeys pretending to be Starkey and Jorjie. These creeps replaced them all with robots or something. They’re pod people or they’re clones or something. (Starkey, Jorjie, Gryffen, Nehetka and Geb laugh.) This isn’t a joke, K9, I swear! Just scan them for yourself. Please. Well? Did you do it? I’m right, aren’t I? They’re pod people. Just tell me I’m right.
K9: I really don’t understand you sometimes.
DARIUS: No, K9, wait. Please. Hey!
K9: Recalibrating Boolean logic tables. Refining deep memory search. Searching.

(Nehetka and Geb grab Darius.)

GEB: Your audience with the mighty K9 is at an end.
DARIUS: Yeah, yeah. I’m going.

(Darius shakes himself free and leaves.)

NEHETKA: A slight attitude adjustment and he’d make a fine court jester. See to it.

(Geb leaves.)

[Outside the manor]

(June walks up to the front door and rings the bell. Gryffen answers.)

JUNE: I’m looking for Jorjie. Is she here?

(Gryffen closes the door. A moment later, he returns.)

GRYFFEN: The master bids you enter.

(June does so. Gryffen looks out at the street afterwards, then closes the door.)

[The main hall]

(Jorjie approaches June with a tray of fruit.)

JORJIE: Grape?

(June looks around.)

[The garage]

(Darius enters. Geb follows him.)

DARIUS: Mariah?
GEB: Human.
DARIUS: Mariah? Door, now. (Mariah’s door opens and hits Geb.) I could kiss you right now.
MARIAH: I’d rather you just clean out all the junk food wrappers from off the backseat.
DARIUS: Deal.

(Darius takes the ankh-shaped teleporter from Geb’s chest.)

[The main hall]

(June is scanning the room. K9 is still dormant and Nehetka is stood nearby.)

JUNE: So much for a social visit. Nobody move, especially you two. (She activates her communicator.) Despatch? It’s Inspector Turner J, Alpha-Juliet-Delta. I need a containment team… (The connection breaks.) Hello? Despatch?
NEHETKA: Too late. This world’s liberation has already begun.

[Department camo]

(A technician is at the computer controls. Drake is stood behind him.)

TECHNICIAN: They’re coming in from all over the place. Central, Despatch, Sector Z15. Everywhere!
DRAKE: What do you mean they’re materialising out of thin air? (A large urn appears in the camo.) Code Red! I repeat, all agents! (Energy hits the two of them and headbands appear on their heads.)

[The main hall]

(Starkey, Jorjie and Gryffen are stood, unmoving.)

JUNE: What have you…?

(Nehetka materialises a headband on her.)

K9: Inspector Turner!
NEHETKA: Kneel.

(She does so.)

K9: Stop this.
NEHETKA: And leave the human’s defences only half defeated? I think not. (He points at Gryffen.) That slave’s knowledge of the Department was out of date. (He points at June.) This one’s will ensure their complete destruction.
K9: Wait, I remember. Those head collars. They’re the same as the ones the Huducts were using to control your ancestors.
NEHETKA: Yes, and you freed us from them.
K9: And you reverse engineered the technology. Why?
NEHETKA: We Anubians vowed never to be slaves again, only masters.
K9: Negative. That’s not why. I left you and the Huducts reconciled in peace.
NEHETKA: It didn’t last. Sorry.
K9: You. You’re supposed to be better than this.
NEHETKA: And we still can be. O Great One, can’t you see? With you to guide us once again, our dominance is assured. The galaxy will bend to our will, starting with this mudheap you call Earth.
K9: No. No, I won’t allow it. I’m sorry, Nehetka, but this ends now.
NEHETKA: So be it.

(He shoots energy at K9.)

K9: Danger! Energy banks rapidly depleting!
NEHETKA: The legend of K9 ends here!
K9: 80%! 50%! 30%! Sending out emergency distress call!
NEHETKA: A wobbly-looking box after all!
K9: Energy banks depleted. Shutting down.

(He shuts down.)

NEHETKA: Heroes. Always so much shorter in real life.

(The ground shakes as the pyramid flies over the manor. A hologram of Darius appears.)

DARIUS: Oh, hey there, Rover. Can you see me?
NEHETKA: Runt!
DARIUS: I got your spaceship. (Nehetka tries to use his teleporter. It fails.) Oh, yeah, about that. (Darius waves Geb’s teleporter.) Teleporter not working? Yeah, you guys really need to work on getting a proper alphabet. Now, let’s make a deal. You release my friends or I’m going to press this big downo button and drop this whopping great spaceship of yours on your head.
NEHETKA: You wouldn’t!
DARIUS: Try me.
JORJIE: Grape?
DARIUS: Jorjie!
NEHETKA: So, you were bluffing?
DARIUS: Nah. I’m stalling.
K9: Backup power online.
NEHETKA: K9, no. No!

(K9 takes flight and fires at Nehetka.)

K9: Bad dog.

[Later]

(Two CCPCs escort Nehetka and Geb out, supervised by June. Drake still has a headband on.)

CCPC: You’re under arrest. You’re coming with me. Come along now. Keep moving. Keep moving along there. Out you go.
GRYFFEN: We should get that (unclear) off Drake’s head.
JUNE: No hurry. This way, Inspector.

(June escorts Drake out.)

GRYFFEN: So…
K9: Ah, you have to understand, I just got so fixated on trying to discover a piece of my past that, well, I confess I, um, uh…
STARKEY: It’s okay, K9. Just, next time, try and remember that you’ve only forgotten where you’ve been, not who you are.
JORJIE: Or who we are. I’m here wearing a burlap sack, feeding a jackal-headed slave-monger grapes and you didn’t even blink.
GRYFFEN: And I was playing the lute!
K9: I am sorry, you know.
STARKEY: Almighty sorry.
K9: Yes, almighty sorry.

(Darius teleports in.)

DARIUS: Ah. I was hoping I was going to miss the cleanup.
GRYFFEN: Don’t worry, the Great Redecorator will do it, hm?
K9: Affirmative.
GRYFFEN: Come on, grease monkey. Let’s go and see if we can put a few more horsepower underneath Mariah’s hood, hm?
STARKEY: Hold on a second. Where’s that giant floating pyramid.
DARIUS: Ah, about that… I parked it around here somewhere. Good luck trying to find it, though. It’s invisible!

(He heads out with Gryffen, laughing. Starkey and Jorjie laugh too.)

Transcript originally provided by Chrissie. Adapted by TARDIS.guide. The transcripts are for educational and entertainment purposes only. All other copyrights property of their respective holders.