[Wasteland]

(Fires burning black smoke.)

VATER: Patrol B, returning to base following Grade 1 encounter. Two survivors, one injury. ETA 20 minutes.

(With his patrol buddy leading him because he has bandages over his eyes, whilst scanning for landmines.)

[Camp]

VATER [OC]: Have you done your teeth?
SPLICE: Yes.
VATER [OC]: Well, I need to smell your minty breath.

(Splice huffs onto the comms.)

[Wasteland]

VATER: Oh, you little liar.

[Camp]

VATER [OC]: Teeth. Now.
SPLICE: How can you smell my breath over the Comm?

[Wasteland]

VATER: Dad skills, that's how. Wait a mo. How are we doing?
CARSON: Less than a mile from base camp. But we're right in the middle of a minefield. There were no mines here yesterday.
VATER: Ah. They must have migrated again.
CARSON: Fog's bad too.
VATER: It's just fog.
CARSON: Some of the men think the Kastarions are in the fog. Like... they're made of fog. That's why we never see them.
VATER: Carson, the fog's been analysed and it's just fog. Oh... Hey. I'm really close.

[Camp]

VATER [OC]: Find Mundy and get her to put you to bed. And do your teeth.

[Wasteland]

VATER: All right, kiss-kiss.

[Camp]

SPLICE: Kiss-kiss.

[Wasteland]

VATER: Carson?
CARSON: Due north is our best bet. But... I think there might be an ambulance.
VATER: I'll be fine.

[Camp]

MUNDY: Come on. I'm just asking you to switch patrols with me. It's not exactly loaves and fishes, is it?
CANTERBURY: I'm not a bishop, I'm not allowed.
MUNDY: You're a verger.
CANTERBURY: I... don't have the divinity.
SPLICE: Mundy.
MUNDY: Give us a minute, love. Hey, Canto! Listen, seriously. As God is my witness, on my soul eternal. I'll let you see my tattoo.
CANTERBURY: Your tattoo?
MUNDY: It's not on general view, which makes it more exciting, given the romantic tension between us.
CANTERBURY: Look, I'm only doing this because I want you to stop annoying me.
MUNDY: Great. thank you. Thanks, thanks a million. What's up, Splice?
CANTERBURY: Oi.
MUNDY: What?
CANTERBURY: Tattoo?
MUNDY: Sorry. It's on Posh Graham. I finished it yesterday. You'll love it.
SPLICE: You should be nice to Canto. He likes you.
MUNDY: No, he doesn't. I was just joking about that.
SPLICE: He's not joking.
MUNDY: Where's your dad?

[Wasteland]

VATER: What's wrong?
CARSON: Ambulance. Dead ahead.
VATER: Okay.
CARSON: Sir. Respectfully, your eyes. It might detect the injury.
VATER: Well, it might help me then.
CARSON: Sir, the algorithm's haywire right now. You know what happened to Wilson.
VATER: The algorithm's been upgraded.
CARSON: No. They ran out of money.
VATER: Look, it doesn't matter. We have to keep moving. We don't have a choice.
CARSON: Okay, okay, hold there. I guess it could be dormant. It's a long way from the fighting.
VATER: They're combat-activated. They power down when there's nothing going on, but their sensors stay active.
CARSON: You know, I'm not even sure it's... ah!
VATER: Carson! Carson, where are you? Are you okay?
CARSON: It's fine, it's fine. I'm okay. I'm not injured. Just stay where you are, I'll just...

(But something he is standing on activates, green lights then red lights then... Whumph!)

VATER: Carson! Carson!

(The Ambulance wakes up. It uses the face and voice of a nice old lady whom the credits list as Susan Twist...)

AMBULANCE: Combat detected. Combat detected. Combat detected. Combat detected. Combat detected. Patient acquired. Sharp scratch. You're doing very well. Patient name, John Francis Vater. Calendar age, 42 years. Vital signs in normal range. Blood pressure high. Cardiac function good. Liver mildly inflamed. Diagnosis, blind.
VATER: I'm not blind. My vision is temporarily impaired.
AMBULANCE: Eyesight recovery time estimated. Four weeks. Evaluation, unacceptable. Combat medical failed.
VATER: Listen to me. I have a child at base camp. Check my records. My next of kin, Splice. She's my daughter and I am exclusively responsible for her. Please, check my records.
AMBULANCE: Leave a message at the tone.
VATER: Kiss-kiss.
AMBULANCE: Next of kin informed. The Villengard Corporation would like to extend its deepest condolences on your upcoming loss. Thoughts and prayers. Sharp scratch.

(Vater screams. The Doctor opens the TARDIS doors.)

DOCTOR: Did you hear that?
RUBY [OC]: Just give me a sec.
DOCTOR: Someone's in trouble. Stay there!

(He runs off.)

RUBY: Okay, coming. Doctor?

(The Doctor runs down a slope and... steps on a landmine. Cue opening titles. Ruby locks up the TARDIS.)

RUBY: Doctor?
DOCTOR [OC]: (singing) Speed, bonny boat Like a bird on a wing.
RUBY: Doctor?
DOCTOR [OC]: Onward, the sailors cry. Carry the lad that's born to be king.
RUBY: Doctor!
DOCTOR [OC]: Over the sea to Skye.
RUBY: Doctor, is that you?
DOCTOR [OC]: Everything's fine.
RUBY: Who said it wasn't?
DOCTOR [OC]: Completely fine. Come toward my voice, and watch where you put your feet. (sings) Loud the wind howls, loud the waves roar. Thunderclaps rend the air.
RUBY: Why are you singing?
DOCTOR: Skye Boat Song. Like it?
RUBY: I didn't ask what you were singing, I asked why.
DOCTOR: I'm getting my Zen on. My landmine Zen. I need you to describe to me what I'm standing on. Fairly sure I know, but details are important and I can't risk looking down. The sensors are on a hair trigger.
RUBY: Why hasn't it set off already, when you stepped on it?
DOCTOR: Impact activates the sensors. Now it's confirming if there's a live target on it. One wrong move and, boom! I go all food mixer.
RUBY: Where are we?
DOCTOR: In the middle of a war.
RUBY: Oh. I was kind of hoping for a beach.
DOCTOR: Ah. What do you think this is?
RUBY: It's not a beach.
DOCTOR: Give it time. Everywhere's a beach eventually.
RUBY: Okay. I'm down. I'm about ten feet directly behind you.
DOCTOR: Look at my right foot, describe what I'm standing on.
RUBY: It's a sort of disc. A white disc. It's really thin. It's got lights round the edge, round the rim. Green lights.
DOCTOR: Okay. Okay, very slowly, very carefully, move around me and tell me if there's a gap in the light. It's not gone off yet, so I think there's a gap. Hoping for quite a big one.
RUBY: Why does a land mine have lights on it?
DOCTOR: Oh, capitalism.
RUBY: Excuse me?
DOCTOR: Flashy lights play well in a showroom. Modern warfare. Death by salesman.
RUBY: I found the gap. It's right under your foot, in front of you.
DOCTOR: How big is it?
RUBY: Four fingers?
DOCTOR: Okay. Well, that's, er... that's better than two fingers, for instance. Is there a V on it?
RUBY: Yeah. V for Victory?
DOCTOR: Villengard. V for Villengard. Biggest weapons manufacturer in recorded history. Supplied all sides in all conflicts for the past two centuries in this sector. Had to deactivate one of these once at a lesbian gymkhana. Underwater. For a bet. Except it wasn't live and I wasn't standing on it. And I lost that bet. Sorry, wrong moment for this story. First things first. Someone was screaming. It came from directly up there. Can you check and see if anyone needs help?
RUBY: You need help.
DOCTOR: I'm not even screaming, yet. Priorities. You'll need to go the long way round. And watch your step! While you're up there, see if you can see anything heavy. A good-sized rock or something. I cannot keep standing on one leg, but if I put my other foot down on the ground, it will shift my weight. I need to counterbalance. I need to increase the weight on the mine at the exact moment I decrease it.
RUBY: It's going to be tricky.
DOCTOR: It's going to be a moment, yeah. Anyone there?
RUBY: Er, no. Nothing. Just a flashy light thing.

(Comms static from a cylinder.)

RUBY: Hang on.
DOCTOR: Found something?
RUBY: A weird thing.
DOCTOR: If it's a heavy weird thing, bring it.

(A noisy machine startles her.)

DOCTOR: It's okay, It's okay. You're fine. Don't worry. It's vacuum drones, that's all. Hoovering up the smoke, so that nobody can choke to death before they are safely shot.
RUBY: Oh, Okay. I suppose that's...
DOCTOR: What's wrong? Ruby, have you seen something? Oh. Oh, Ruby, I'm sorry, I forgot. Your first time on a new planet. It flips your stomach, doesn't it? A brand-new sky. We're on Kastarion 3, going by the rings next door. Decent enough. Seven out of ten. Good trees, great mountains. Rainbow crystal. Oh, wait until you see the dawn. Mind you, this place is basically empty. Who'd pick a fight round here?
RUBY: Okay, I've got the heavy thing. I think this is an urn or something, but it's kind of gross. What is it?
DOCTOR: Never mind.
RUBY: What do you mean, never mind? Tell me what you're not telling me.
DOCTOR: Okay. Okay, that isn't an urn. There isn't a body inside of that. That is a body. That is a dead body. Compressed somehow. Like it's been... I don't know, smelted?
RUBY: Seriously?
DOCTOR: I heard a scream. I guess it was that.
RUBY: He was being... smelted?
DOCTOR: It's a good word, smelted, isn't it?
RUBY: Not at the moment.
DOCTOR: I've never used the word smelted before. It's never come up. New planet, new word, land mine. Ha. Ooo, I'm having a day.
RUBY: Okay, are you getting scared? 'cos you're just babbling now.
DOCTOR: Toss it in your hand. That thing, toss it in your hand and catch it, please. Okay, yeah, that's about the right weight.
RUBY: About?
DOCTOR: Okay, it's exactly 6.732217 kilograms. I was trying not to show off. Throw it to me.
RUBY: No.
DOCTOR: Throw it to my right hand. I need to use it to counterbalance. I'm going to catch it at the exact moment I put my left foot down on the ground.
RUBY: I understand, but it's too unstable. Let me give it to you.
DOCTOR: No.
RUBY: You'll have a much better chance if I just put it in your hand.
DOCTOR: If it goes wrong, you will be caught in the blast.
RUBY: Well, let's get it right, then.
DOCTOR: Ruby, I forbid this.
RUBY: Yeah, good luck with that.
DOCTOR: You don't understand, this is a smartmine. It is monitoring anything, any significant change. I get too worried about you, and my blood pressure goes up, and I don't know how much leeway I have.
RUBY: Best not to worry, then. So how are we going to do this? Count of three?
DOCTOR: Please listen to me.
RUBY: No arguing, Doctor. Blood pressure.
DOCTOR: Ruby, if this doesn't work... You are brave and you are wonderful... and I forgive you for being incredibly stupid.
RUBY: Good, then.
DOCTOR: And if it does work, I'm going to be very cross at you for a very, very long time.
RUBY: Not that long, babes. You're standing on a landmine.
DOCTOR: Oh... Count of three?
RUBY: Okay. No way. Er, we need something more rhythmic. I need a beat. Like... like a song. Sing the song.
DOCTOR: The song?
RUBY: The song.
DOCTOR: The song.
RUBY: Over the sea to Skye. That's the last line. On the word Skye.
DOCTOR: I love that song. It's about Bonnie Prince Charlie.
RUBY: I know, it's sweet. Let's go.
DOCTOR: It's sweet and it's sad, and it's about soldiers fighting, but it's sad, like a lullaby. And that's right, isn't it? Songs about soldiers should be sad, don't you think?
RUBY: Okay, Doctor, I'm ready. Stop babbling.
DOCTOR: Okay. Okay, Ruby, shall we dance? (sings) Speed, bonny boat, like a bird on the wing. Onward, the sailors cry. Carry the lad that's born to be king...
BOTH: ..over the sea to Skye.

(He takes the urn and puts his foot down.)

DOCTOR: Oh. Okay. Okay. Okay, er...
RUBY: Okay. Okay, the lights are moving.
DOCTOR: That's okay. That's all right. That's all right. It's fine. It's the after-effect. It's my adrenaline. I just need to focus, just need to relax.
RUBY: They're still moving.
DOCTOR: Maybe don't keep mentioning that. I went down to the beach and there she stood, dark and tall at the edge of the wood. "The sky's too big, I'm scared," I cried. She replied, "Young man, don't you know there's more to life than the moon and the President's wife?"

(References - 'The Magician's Apprentice' and 'Hell Bent'.)

RUBY: Okay. Okay, I think that's it. Oh, that was close. No margin for error.
DOCTOR: You know what's really great about no margin for error? No more errors. Thank you, John Francis Vater.
HOLO-VATER: Hello. I'm John Francis Vater, deceased. Apologies for your loss.
DOCTOR: Oh. Voice activated.
HOLO-VATER: These are my mortal remains. At your convenience, please return them to my parents, Agnes and Millicent Vater. Address will be supplied on request.
DOCTOR: Hey, John. Am I talking to an AI?
HOLO-VATER: I'm an approximate AI reconstruction of the deceased John Vater. Signature elements of my former personality have been incorporated into this interface. Kiss-kiss.
DOCTOR: What happened to you, John?
HOLO-VATER: I was humanely terminated on the discovery of the fatal condition, blindness.
RUBY: Blindness isn't fatal.
DOCTOR: You literally just said that to a dead blind guy. Who terminated you, John?
HOLO-VATER: I was spared further suffering by a Villengard Automated Ambulance Unit. My recovery was estimated as beyond acceptable parameters for a conflict as budgeted.
RUBY: Sorry, killed by an ambulance?
DOCTOR: Life is cheap, patients are expensive. The Villengard algorithm.
RUBY: The what?
DOCTOR: Villengard battle products are fitted with AI. The algorithm maintains a fighting force at just above the acceptable number of casualties. Keeps you fighting, keeps you dying, keeps you buying. The medical services optimise the casualty rate for continued conflict. War is business, and business is booming. Good to meet you, John.
HOLO-VATER: Kiss-kiss.
SPLICE: Daddy? Is my Daddy there? I heard him.
DOCTOR: Hello. Hello up there.
RUBY: You okay? You need help?
SPLICE: I'm looking for my daddy.
RUBY: How did you...? Why did you come here?
SPLICE: He sent me a message. I can read a geo-stamp. Where is he? Where's my daddy? I heard him.
DOCTOR: Shouldn't you be tucked up in bed? What's a little kid like you doing out in a nasty war like this?
SPLICE: My dad got special permission to bring me.

(Long pause.)

DOCTOR: Oh, that's good, isn't it?
SPLICE: 'Cos my mummy got gathered up.
RUBY: She got what? Gathered?
SPLICE: She got gathered up by God. He loved her so much that He gathered her up early so she can be in heaven with Him, like an angel. We'll see her again one day, Daddy explained. Where is Daddy?
DOCTOR: Er, this is Ruby and my name's the Doctor.
SPLICE: The Doctor isn't a name.
DOCTOR: Yeah. And I'm not even a doctor. People don't usually bring that up. You're good, already.
SPLICE: I'm Splice.
DOCTOR: Great name. I love it. Just Splice?
SPLICE: Splice Alison Vater.
HOLO-VATER: Splice Alison Vater. You have been identified as the next of kin of John Francis Vater.
SPLICE: Daddy!
HOLO-VATER: I am an AI reconstruction of your deceased parent. Apologies for your loss.
RUBY: No.
HOLO-VATER: Let's grieve together.
RUBY: No, wait.
HOLO-VATER: Come to Daddy.
RUBY: Wait.

(Pulls Splice back.)

SPLICE: No! Daddy. Let go of me. Get off me.
RUBY: No, no.
SPLICE: Please.
RUBY: Splice.
SPLICE: Please.
HOLO-VATER: If I'm causing distress...
DOCTOR: Ruby...
RUBY: Please, no.
HOLO-VATER: ..perhaps I should come back later. Kiss-kiss.
SPLICE: Dad! Let go of me.
DOCTOR: Ruby...
RUBY: Look at his foot. Look at what he's standing on. You see that? You see what he's standing on? Doctor, are you okay?
DOCTOR: It's just an adrenaline rush. Just got to control it. It's going down, down, it's moving down, down, down, down, down, down, down, sliding down.

(He starts glowing.)

RUBY: Doctor? What's happening?
DOCTOR: Me. I'm happening. I'm the explosive.
MUNDY: You are in my sights. I can drop you where you stand.
DOCTOR: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
MUNDY: Do you understand? Signal your understanding. Signal your understanding.
DOCTOR: I understand. Please. I understand.
RUBY: He's on a land mine. He's standing right on one.
MUNDY: Ma'am, I am fully apprised of what he is standing on. Splice, you okay down there?
SPLICE: I'm here, Mundy. I'm trying to find Daddy. I saw him, he was a hologram. Where is he?
MUNDY: Sir. My name is Mundy Flynn. I'm an ordained Anglican Marine. What are you doing out here? Are you... civilians?
RUBY: Anglican what?
DOCTOR: Great name, Mundy Flynn. You should marry Ruby. Then you'd be Mundy Sunday. Go on, get married, I'd laugh every day.
RUBY: What's an Anglican marine? Since when was the Church an army?
DOCTOR: Since most of your history. You've been living in a blip.
MUNDY: Sir, the casket in your right hand. Are you aware those are the sacred remains of an ordained Anglican...?
DOCTOR: Are you aware your face is ringing?

(Answers comm.)

MUNDY: Did you like the tattoo?

[Camp]

CANTERBURY: I geo-stamped you. I know where you are. Get back to the compound.

[Wasteland]

MUNDY: You're giving me orders now?

[Camp]

CANTERBURY: I'm not giving you orders. I'm worried. The fog drones have been out. The Kastarions could be planning an attack.

[Wasteland]

MUNDY: Shut up, you're worried. You don't even like me.

[Camp]

CANTERBURY: Of course I...

[Wasteland]

DOCTOR: Okay, this idiot little war. Who are you fighting?
MUNDY: The Kastarions.
DOCTOR: Yeah? The Kastarions? Go on, tell me about the Kastarions.
MUNDY: We've never seen them.
DOCTOR: Excuse me?
MUNDY: They're in the mud. Well, that's what we think. Some of us. Or the fog.
DOCTOR: What, sentient mud? Seriously?
MUNDY: Sir, I do not have time for this.
DOCTOR: Do you know how ridiculous you sound? I've met sentient mud. Lovely girls. I mean, grumpy, yeah, but you try lying around with your face full of mammals all day.
MUNDY: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to let go of that casket. Just let it fall.
RUBY: No. If he drops the casket, it'll trigger the landmine. It'll kill him.
MUNDY: He's dead already. Sir, when you stepped on that mine, you triggered a countdown. It's now trying to assess whether it has acquired a viable target. If it can't within the specified time, it fails safe. It blows anyway. Drop the casket.
DOCTOR: Immolation. How does it work? There's no explosive in this landmine, right?
MUNDY: Immolation triggers a quantum-level chain reaction in the subject's DNA. You are the explosive.
DOCTOR: I'm a Time Lord. Not a human. I'm a Time Lord.

(Mundy shoots the Doctor's forearm to try amd make him drop the casket.)

RUBY: Doctor!
DOCTOR: I am a higher-dimension lifeform. I am a complex Space/Time event.
MUNDY: I'm Anglican.

(Two more shots.)

RUBY: No. No, stop it.

(The Ambulance activates.)

DOCTOR: I'm a much bigger bang than you bargained for. I'm a lot more explosive than I look, and honey... I know how I look. Put a quantum chain reaction through me and I will shatter this silly little battlefield of yours into dust. All of it, in a heartbeat, into dust.
MUNDY: That's not possible.
DOCTOR: Everything is possible. Everything is possible. Everywhere is a beach eventually. Scan me. Scan me, see for yourself.
MUNDY: You could blow up half of this planet.
AMBULANCE: Combat detected. Combat detected.
DOCTOR: Shoot it.
AMBULANCE: Combat detected.
MUNDY: The algorithm won't let me.
RUBY: What is that thing? Is it a robot? Doctor? What is that?
AMBULANCE: Combat detected.
MUNDY: It's an ambulance.
RUBY: It's a what? How is that an ambulance?
AMBULANCE: Combat detected.
DOCTOR: Stop it.
AMBULANCE: Patient acquired.
DOCTOR: Please, stop it. Please, you've got to stop that thing.
AMBULANCE: Patient acquired. Hold still.
SPLICE: Daddy!
HOLO-VATER: Hello, daughter Splice. Can I assist you with any persistent regrets?
SPLICE: Daddy.
AMBULANCE: Sharp scratch.

(It shoots a probe into the Doctor.)

HOLO-VATER: Would you like to look at some old photographs to remember the good times?
AMBULANCE: Patient name... Patient name... unknown. Unidentified. Vital signs... Vital signs... Vi-vital signs...
RUBY: No. He's not human.
DOCTOR: Get it off me!
AMBULANCE: Vi-vital signs...
RUBY: Combat. Combat is detected, that's what she said. Give me the gun.
MUNDY: What are you doing?
RUBY: Combat! Can't you hear the lovely combat? Combat right this way.
MUNDY: Stay right here, okay?
SPLICE: Look. That's when we saw the antelope.

(Ruby and Mundy fire weapons into the air.)

AMBULANCE: Combat detected. Combat detected. Combat detected.
MUNDY: Wait. Shoot me. It needs to detect an injury or it won't triage. Shoot me now.
RUBY: No, I can't, I can't.
MUNDY: It's fine, I've put it on setting one. Just do my arm or something.
RUBY: I can't.
MUNDY: You have to, you really have to. Come on, you can do it. Shoot me a little bit, just do my arm. Left one, please.
RUBY: Yeah, sorry.

(Canterbury turns up and shoots Ruby.)

DOCTOR: Argh!
MUNDY: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, are you okay?
AMBULANCE: Patient acquired. Patient acquired.
DOCTOR: Ruby. Ruby, can you hear me?
RUBY: Doctor, what's happening?
AMBULANCE: Sharp scratch.
CANTURBURY: She was going to shoot you. I saw her.
AMBULANCE: Patient identified. Ruby Sunday. Calendar age, 3,082 years. Next of kin. Next of kin. Next of k... Ne-next-next-next... Next of... Next of kin.
RUBY: Who... who's my next of kin?
AMBULANCE: Next of kin. Next of kin. Next of kin. Next... Next of kin...
CANTERBURY: That's not possible. It doesn't snow here. It never snows.
DOCTOR: No, it's Ruby. This has happened before.
AMBULANCE: Next of... Next of kin.
RUBY: Just please tell me who it is.
DOCTOR: It's good, it's good, it's good. The snow is good. While there's snow, there's ho...
CANTERBURY: It's stopped. How can it do that? How can it just stop?
AMBULANCE: Vital signs failing. Mortality estimate. 432 seconds. Patient non-ordained. Treatment withheld.

(The last green lights on the landmine illuminate as the Doctor weeps.)

CANTERBURY: She was going to shoot you. I don't understand.
MUNDY: It doesn't matter. Look at the readings. If that mine blows, it blows everything.
DOCTOR: I went down to the beach and there she stood, dark and tall at the edge of the wood. "The sky's too big, I'm scared," I cried. She replied, "Young man, don't you know there's more to life than the moon and the President's wife?"
MUNDY: Sir. Sir, please. I've scanned the device. I've ran the numbers. You're right. You're going to blow a really big hole in everything. You could wipe out every Anglican here. Please. What do we do?
DOCTOR: Ruby.
MUNDY: We're doing everything we can.
CANTERBURY: I'm reconfiguring the ambulance protocols. It could revive her, but it's not programmed to assist nonbelievers.
MUNDY: Sir, the mine is cycling down to the end of the countdown. We've got five minutes. Probably less. Please, what can we do?
DOCTOR: Surrender.
MUNDY: Excuse me?
DOCTOR: Surrender. Lose. Give in.
MUNDY: Even if that were possible, which it isn't. Even if I had the divinity to authorise that, it wouldn't switch off the landmine.
DOCTOR: Yes, it would.
MUNDY: Why?
DOCTOR: Because it's your landmine.
AMBULANCE: Patient death imminent. Thoughts and prayers.
DOCTOR: No. No, no, no, no. No. Ruby, stop that. Hang on in there. I still need you. I can't think unless I'm talking, and I can only talk to you. Mundy thinks that she's fighting the Kastarions, what do you think? You figured it out yet? I don't think Mundy's figured it out.
MUNDY: Figured what out?
DOCTOR: So this lot, Ruby, they came here, what, six months ago? They set up their defences and fired their warning shots into the air. "Watch out, we come in peace." Yeah?
MUNDY: We advertised our presence. It's standard procedure.
DOCTOR: Did you hear that, Ruby? They advertised their presence. And do you know what that does? Ruby, that activates the Villengard algorithm. The acceptable casualty rate algorithm. Keeps you dying, keeps you buying. Huh? Do you get it? Huh? Do you get it? Do you get...? Do you get it? Do you get it? Do you get-get-get it? There's nobody else here. You declared war on an empty planet. There are no Kastarions in the mud, they're not in the fog. There are no Kastarions. Just the algorithm maintaining an acceptable casualty rate in the face of nothing at all. You are fighting your own hardware and it's killing you at just the right amount to keep you buying more. I mean, most armies would notice that they were fighting smoke and shadows, but not this lot, Ruby. You know why? Cos they have faith.
MUNDY: Shut up.
DOCTOR: Faith. The magic word that keeps you never having to think for yourself. Just surrender, Mundy. Just stop, and it's all over.
MUNDY: Prove it.
DOCTOR: What, seriously? Now you need proof, faith gyal?
MUNDY: Only the Bishop can declare a surrender, and the Bishop will need proof.
DOCTOR: Oh... John Francis Vater. Father in AI.
HOLO-VATER: Yes, sir.
DOCTOR: I need you to download yourself into the Villengard battle computer, find proof that the planet is uninhabited and that the casualty rate is hardware-driven. Send it to the scanner in Mundy Flynn's hand.
HOLO-VATER: Apologies, that is not possible. I'm not connected to the network.
DOCTOR: No, but the ambulance is. And the ambulance is connected to me, and I am connected to you. Shut up and google.
HOLO-VATER: That is against my digital protocol, sir.
DOCTOR: Listen to me. However little is left of you, you are still a father. Dad to Dad... you never let them down, right? Ever. To the end, right? Dad to Dad, dust to dust. Am I right?
MUNDY: Sir, he can't. He's just an AI simulant.
HOLO-VATER: I'll be back. Do your teeth.
DOCTOR: How much of the countdown left?
MUNDY: Three minutes, maybe.
DOCTOR: Thoughts and prayers.
CANTERBURY: Turn that...
MUNDY: How's it going?
CANTERBURY: There are safeguards. Hush. I saw your tattoo.
MUNDY: What?
CANTERBURY: The one you did on Posh Graham? It was beautiful.
MUNDY: You checked out my tattoo on Posh Graham?
CANTERBURY: Of course.
MUNDY: Why?
CANTERBURY: I wanted to see it.
MUNDY: But why? Why did you even come out here? Why were you looking for me? Canto... do you like me?
CANTERBURY: Of course I like you. Everyone knows that I like you. Except Posh Graham, who now thinks I like him. I mean, it was on his upper thigh. You could've warned me. Hang on. Does that mean you like me?

(Sparks fly.)

AMBULANCE: Defences. Defences.
DOCTOR: What is it? What is happening?
MUNDY: Canto, talk to me. Are you all right?
CANTERBURY [OC]: I'm fine. How are you?
MUNDY: Where are you? I can't... Are you injured?
CANTERBURY [OC]: I'm fine. How are you?
MUNDY: I'm okay, just... shock. Canto. Oh... Canto.
HOLO-CANTERBURY: You are identified as Mundy Flynn, my designated favourite person. Here is a personal message recorded just for you. If anything happens to me, I want you to know that I love you. And honestly, it's okay that... you don't love me back. Sorry. Yeah.

(Canterbury's casket drops to the ground.)

DOCTOR: I'm sorry about your friend.
MUNDY: It was my fault. I distracted him.
DOCTOR: It was nothing to do with you. It was the algorithm breach. The Villengard algorithm is protecting itself. The ambulance killed him.

(More ambulances arrive.)

AMBULANCES: Thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers.
DOCTOR: We sent Daddy in there.
AMBULANCE: Thoughts and prayers.
DOCTOR: It's fighting back. Look.
AMBULANCES: Thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers.
DOCTOR: Of course. Of course there's security. There's a firewall. Why didn't I think of that?
MUNDY: What's happening?
DOCTOR: The algorithm will do anything it can to protect itself. Anything at all.
HOLO-VATER: Antelope. Ante-antel...
DOCTOR: John?
HOLO-VATER: Antel... I saw. Antel... We saw. Antelope.
SPLICE: We saw the antelope together. I remember. I remember, Daddy.
HOLO-VATER: Antelope. We saw. Antel... We... Antelope. Sorry.
DOCTOR: Tell her to run. John, tell your daughter to run, now. Dad to Dad.
SPLICE: I'm safe with Daddy.
HOLO-VATER: Safe. Safe. Antelope. Safe. Can't. Can't. Antelope. Dad to...
HOLO-AMBULANCE: Any attempt to interfere with the Villengard algorithm will be met with severe fines.
DOCTOR: Where is John Francis Vater?
HOLO-AMBULANCE: The AI known as John Francis Vater has been identified as a hostile data virus, and permanently deleted. Thoughts and prayers.
LANDMINE: Attention. This landmine will induce fail-safe immolation shortly. If you are not the selected target, please stand clear.
DOCTOR: Run. Start running.
MUNDY: There's no point.
LANDMINE: Final countdown commencing.
DOCTOR: Both of you! Run!
LANDMINE: Ten.
MUNDY: We'd never get far enough.
LANDMINE: Nine, eight.
SPLICE: Where's my Daddy? I'm not leaving without my Daddy.
LANDMINE: Seven.
MUNDY: And I'm not leaving you, Munchkin.
LANDMINE: Six.
DOCTOR: I'm so sorry, then.
LANDMINE: Five.
DOCTOR: This is it.
LANDMINE: Four.
DOCTOR: I am so sorry, Ruby. I am so, so, sorry.
LANDMINE: Two. One. Kiss. Kiss.
HOLO-AMBULANCE: Antelope. Dad to Dad, dust to dust. Dust...
HOLO-VATER: Kiss-kiss.
HOLO-AMBULANCE: Virus alert. Virus al...
HOLO-VATER: Kiss-kiss. Kiss-kiss.
AMBULANCES: Kiss-kiss. Kiss-kiss. Kiss-kiss. Kiss-kiss. Kiss-kiss.
AMBULANCE: Patient acquired. Patient acquired. Patient acquired. Sharp scratch. Revivification protocol initiated.

(Ruby wakes up.)

LANDMINE: Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

(The landmine's lights have gone back to green, and are forming Xs. The Doctor steps off.)

MUNDY: How?
DOCTOR: Ruby. Ruby, are you okay? Oh.
SPLICE: What's happening?
DOCTOR: Your father, who art in heaven... a kind of heaven anyway.
HOLO-VATER: Antelope. Do your teeth. Antelope.
DOCTOR: The Villengard algorithm. The whole Villengard arms industry, all of it, just got beaten up by this little kid's dad.
RUBY: Doctor?
DOCTOR: Ah, Ruby. Ruby. Ah, why are you lying around missing all the good stuff? A war just got switched off and very possibly sent to bed without its supper.
RUBY: I don't... What happened?
DOCTOR: Well, it's kind of hard to sum up. I think if I had a diary, it would be a little bit too exciting for words. I think I could write it with drums. Can you write a diary in drums? I bet I could.
RUBY: Er...
DOCTOR: A-boom. Tap. Tap. Boom. Tap-tap. Boom. Tap. Tap. Boom. Tap-tap. Boom. Tap. Tap. Boom. Tap-tap. October the 5th, I sent this girl's dad into the software, just for a look around. Just looking for proof. And he must have been very cross, because now the whole Villengard mainframe has been taken down by parent power. Boom! Basically, Villengard, basically... just wait till Daddy gets home.

[Outside the TARDIS]

(A lovely dawn.)

DOCTOR: Right, enough of that. Moving on. Come on, Ruby.
RUBY: No, hang on, we've had about two minutes of the awesome.
DOCTOR: Yeah, two minutes, no lingering. Plenty more universe to see and, quite frankly, your lifespan sucks. All right, come here, Splice. Splice, I'm so sorry about your dad.
SPLICE: Why are you sorry?
DOCTOR: Because he's gone now. But I know that Mundy is going to take really good care of you.
SPLICE: Silly. He's not gone. He's just dead. He's not gone.
DOCTOR: That is right. That is exactly right. You keep the faith, Splice.
MUNDY: I thought you didn't like faith much, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Just because I don't like it doesn't mean I don't need it, Mundy. Goodbye. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. I will be popping in every now and then. Fish fingers and custard is my favourite. Okay. Come on, Ruby.

RUBY: Yes, yes. Sorry we've got to rush off like this, but he probably needs changing. Bye. Do you think she'll be all right?
DOCTOR: Splice? Pff. I reckon, future president of something. Till then she's got Mundy, and her dad.
RUBY: But her dad's dead. No, I know... I know he's not gone, and that's sweet and everything, it's just, he is, he's really, actually... He's dead.
DOCTOR: We're all dead eventually. There's hardly any time that we're not dead. Which is a good thing, too. We've got to keep the pace up, otherwise nothing would get done. Dying defines us. Snow isn't snow until it falls.
RUBY: Snow...?
DOCTOR: Yeah, snow. We all melt away in the end, but something stays. Maybe the best part.

(Holo-Vater waves to them, and they wave back.)

DOCTOR: A sad old man once told me, what survives of us is love.

Transcript originally provided by Chrissie. Adapted by TARDIS.guide. The transcripts are for educational and entertainment purposes only. All other copyrights property of their respective holders.