[Tunnel]

(The tunnel is full of rubbish. Two workers in hazmat suits are looking around.)

WORKER: Some people. They just don’t care what they chuck down here.

(One of the workers activates a machine and releases a swarm of blackness onto the rubbish. Darius watches from a hiding spot as the rubbish is devoured and dispersed.)

DARIUS: Cool.

(Darius knocks something over. He runs away.)

WORKER: Hey! Hey! This is a restricted area!

(The workers look at each other and shake their heads before returning to work. One picks up a can being devoured and is devoured himself despite the other’s attempts to suck the blackness back up into the machine.)

[The laboratory]

(Gryffen is examining a sample, watching by Starkey and K9.)

GRYFFEN: Completely useless.
STARKEY: You can always do it again.
GRYFFEN: What? And produce another worthless result?
STARKEY: Maybe K9 could help.
K9: Empiricism and experimentation is my middle name.
STARKEY: That’s two middle names.
GRYFFEN: I don’t need help. I need hygiene. This experiment failed because of contamination.
K9: Elementary error, I’m afraid.
GRYFFEN: K9, I’d like to see you produce a perfectly hygienic environment with three teenagers and a dog running around. I traced the contamination to the chess room. Sodium bisulphate carbonic cluster. Pepperoni pizza.
STARKEY: Don’t you pay Darius to tidy up?
GRYFFEN: Oh, yes, yes. He promised to clean up the whole place today.
STARKEY: And? Go figure.

[Chess room]

(The chess room is a mess. Starkey and K9 enter.)

K9: A sterile environment is difficult to maintain.
STARKEY: You’re telling me.
K9: Without the use of toxic compounds that destroy airborne dust particles, 75% of which are dead human skin cells.
STARKEY: It’s much easier talking about it than fixing it.
K9: This unit is not equipped for household duties.
STARKEY: This unit is waiting for Darius.

[Tunnels]

(Darius returns to the tunnel.)

DARIUS: Hey? Is anybody there? (He finds an empty hazmat suit.) Well, this is going to be easier than expected. Yoink! (Darius steals the workers’ device.) Just the job for the housework.

[Department camo]

JUNE: So, what went wrong?
WORKER: I suspect aliens.
JUNE: Alien infiltration?
WORKER: I’ve used this technology before, but nothing like this has ever happened.
JUNE: Could it have just been a malfunction?
WORKER: They’re harmless microbes! Like yeast. And they’ve turned into bloodthirsty flesh-eaters.

[The garage]

(Darius gets out of Mariah and takes the machine from the boot.)

[The main hall]

(Darius enters through the front door, carrying the machine. He crosses the hall.)

[The chess room]

(Darius enters the chess room. He puts the machine down.)

DARIUS: There we go. (He turns the machine on and shocks his finger.) Well, here goes nothing. (He fires the microbes over the room. They devour all the rubbish.)

[Tunnels]

(The worker shows June to the tunnel.)

WORKER: It was just here! And we were working in there.
JUNE: So, who could have taken it?
WORKER: I don’t know.

(June uses a device to scan the empty hazmat suit.)

JUNE: Well, you were right to bring this to my attention. I’m getting something. Could be an alien trace. Something not known on this planet.

(Drake enters.)

DRAKE: Where is the Imploder?
WORKER: It’s gone, sir.
DRAKE: Yes, I realised that.

(Drake pins the worker to the wall.)

DRAKE: Where?
WORKER: Please, sir. I don’t know. Honest!
JUNE: Inspector! The man is obviously scared out of his wits.

(Drake releases his grip on the worker.)

DRAKE: Can I ask what you are doing here?
JUNE: I may well ask you the same question. Isn’t this a city sanitation issue?
DRAKE: The disappearance of state property is a very serious matter.
JUNE: And another question, if I may. How did you hear about this so quickly?
DRAKE: I am eternally vigilant.

[The chess room]

(Darius is sleeping on a chaise longue whilst the microbes devour the rubbish. He wakes up just as they are approaching him.)

DARIUS: (unclear) get back in your little box.

(He uses the machine to suck the microbes back up.)

[The main hall]

(Starkey opens the front door. Jorjie enters.)

JORJIE: You mean you’ve got me here just to help you clean up?
STARKEY: We love your company.
JORJIE: And?
K9: Your conversation.
JORJIE: And?
STARKEY: Your sunny smile.
JORJIE: And you want me to help you clean up.
STARKEY: With the three of us doing it, it should only take a minute.

[The chess room]

(Starkey, Jorjie and K9 enter. It is perfectly tidy. Darius is stood by the doorway to the laboratory.)

JORJIE: So, it was my sunny smile you wanted me for.
STARKEY: I’m stunned.
DARIUS: Oh, so you noticed the difference.
STARKEY: How did you do it?
DARIUS: Elbow grease. It’s old-fashioned, I know, but it’s efficient.
K9: Something is not quite right here.
JORJIE: You can say that again.
K9: Something is not quite right here.
STARKEY: It’s like nobody has ever lived here.
DARIUS: I really think you should sling me a few creds for all this hard work.
STARKEY: And you cleaned my clothes as well?
DARIUS: Dirty work, but somebody’s got to do it. (There is a fart-like sound.) Ah, come on, K9. Control yourself.
K9: It wasn’t me, as well you know.

(Starkey notices something under a red sheet.)

STARKEY: What’s that?
DARIUS: What?
JORJIE: That. That thing under here.

(Jorjie removes the sheet. The machine is underneath.)

DARIUS: Oh, that.
K9: Yes, that. (He scans the machine.) This vessel is full of an unstable cross-species.
STARKEY: Darius, what is this thing?
K9: My analysis suggests ordinary yeast cells have been spliced with something more sinister.
DARIUS: Don’t overcomplicate things, K9. It’s like a vacuum cleaner.
K9: This unit detects extreme terminological inexactitude on your part.
DARIUS: What’s that mean?
JORJIE: It means you’re lying.
DARIUS: Right.
K9: My advice: remove this object from the house.
DARIUS: Hey, just a minute. This could be a nice little earner, yeah?
K9: A nice little earner or a nice little killer.
DARIUS: You’re such a panic artist, K9. The microbes are like a very efficient cleaning liquid. (K9 beeps.) What are you doing now, K9? You’re always spoiling everything.
K9: I have scanned this room and there is not one living thing left in it. Not one ant, not one spider, not one moth, nothing.
STARKEY: Where did you buy it, Darius?
DARIUS: Buy it?

[Department camo]

DRAKE: I did not want you talking to anybody.
WORKER: But… Inspector Turner asked…
DRAKE: Especially her.
WORKER: Sir? I’m afraid something’s changed in the technology and it’s going to really harm whoever’s got it.
DRAKE: And why should we care about them? They are criminals. They deserve to have their bones picked white.

[The main hall]

(Starkey is carrying the machine out of the chess room.)

JORJIE: Darius, you need to get this back where you found it.
DARIUS: I’ve got a window of commercial opportunity here.
K9: What of everything I said did you not understand? Whatever is inside this thing is an unstoppable lifeform that could get out of control.
DARIUS: Finder’s keepers.
STARKEY: I don’t get you sometimes.
DARIUS: I’m just a businessman trying to make some creds.
JORJIE: It can’t stay here.
K9: Where did you pick it up?
DARIUS: Can’t remember.
JORJIE: Darius!
DARIUS: NE12, near the Northern Inceptor Tunnel.
STARKEY: So, we need to get it back there.
DARIUS: We? No, you guys have to. You’re on your own.
JORJIE: Darius, you created this problem. You have to help fix it.
DARIUS: Problem? This is a genius household appliance.
K9: So, if you didn’t buy it, I presume you stole it.
DARIUS: Stole? That’s such a harsh word.

(Gryffen enters. He wanders into the chess room.)

K9: When you stole it, nothing strange happened?
DARIUS: Strange? What do you mean “strange”?
STARKEY: Darius.
GRYFFEN: This is a minor miracle.
DARIUS: No, prof. That room is a major miracle.
K9: Oh, professor? Could you get your atomic spectrometer to analyse exactly what’s been at work here?
GRYFFEN: Whatever it is, it’s too good to be true.

[The laboratory]

(Gryffen is performing an analysis.)

GRYFFEN: I’ve never seen anything like it. Look at this. (Darius has a look.) It’s a sample of Starkey’s shirt. The smaller microbes have been attacked by the bigger ones. The corpses are everywhere.
DARIUS: And that’s interesting because?
GRYFFEN: The weaker ones have been hunted and consumed. It’s nanotechnology I’ve never seen before.
DARIUS: Finally, scientists invent something useful. I’d have made a million creds out of this.
GRYFFEN: Darius, in the wrong hands this could be lethal.
DARIUS: Why?
GRYFFEN: Somebody’s been tampering with the gene coding.
DARIUS: Can you dumb that down a bit, prof?
GRYFFEN: These microbes have been crossed with ones from another planet. My hunch is that their vicious omnivores from Pluto.
DARIUS: So, what?
GRYFFEN: They’re only the most voracious germs in the known universe.
DARIUS: And that’s what makes them such good cleaner-uppers?
GRYFFEN: But it gets worse. All microbes are self-limiting. When their food supply runs out, they shut down. They become dormant.
DARIUS: Like when you’ve eaten too much pizza, you fall asleep.
GRYFFEN: Exactly. But their dormancy gene has been turned off, so they’re hungry all the time, which means they could literally eat the whole world.

[Department camo]

(June enters.)

JUNE: Why didn’t you tell me?
DRAKE: What?
JUNE: I’ve just received an analysis from the microbes in the Imploder.
DRAKE: That was fast.
JUNE: I’m eternally vigilant.
DRAKE: And what were the findings?
JUNE: Why don’t you tell me? Because it’s one of your projects, isn’t it? I’ve cross-checked. It’s called Black Hunger.
DRAKE: Black Hunger is just one of my many responsibilities.
JUNE: It said it was closed down because it was too unstable.
DRAKE: I’ve solved all that.
JUNE: Really?
DRAKE: The use of an electromagnetic containment device, the Imploder, allows us to store and transport the Hunger.
JUNE: But my analysis is that you’ve genetically altered the swarm to remove its self-limiting and dormancy characteristics. Why?
DRAKE: To make it more efficient.
JUNE: And what if it got out of control?
DRAKE: It can’t.
JUNE: Inspector, you don’t know whose hands it’s fallen into.
DRAKE: Don’t panic, Inspector.
JUNE: If that swarm did get out, it would be the end of your career.
DRAKE: You’d really like that, wouldn’t you?

[Tunnels]

(Starkey is pushing the Imploder. Jorjie and K9 are accompanying him.)

JORJIE: Can’t we just leave it here?

(CCPCs follow.)

CCPC: Oi!
STARKEY: Let’s go!
K9: Don’t run. We can bluff our way out.

(Starkey hides the Imploder around a corner.)

CCPC: ‘Ello, ‘ello. What’s going on here, then?
K9: I’m just taking my friends for a walk.
CCPC: You’re taking them for a walk?
K9: Kids. They just get so playful unless you tire them out.
CCPC: Maybe I’d better call this in and get further instructions.
JORJIE: Uh, no. Uh, we’ve got to keep walking otherwise…
STARKEY: Otherwise, we start jumping around and…
JORJIE: And slobbering on everybody.
STARKEY: And biting people.

(Starkey and Jorjie growl and bark.)

K9: Yes, they’re a handful, these two. Lovely coats, though, don’t you think?

(Jorjie starts barking in the CCPC’s face.)

CCPC: They are a handful. I think you should muzzle that one.
K9: Consider it done.
CCPC: Carbon lifeforms…

(The CCPC leaves. Starkey and Jorjie high five.)

[Department camo]

DRAKE: Our planet is constantly threatened from within by dissidents, antisocial undesirables and all those juveniles who want to buck the system.
JUNE: The people are not the problem. The planet is surrounded by alien menace which needs to be defeated.
DRAKE: Yes, but we must first get our hands on the alien technology to take control of the human problem first.
JUNE: So, that’s what Black Hunger is all about.
DRAKE: In part.
JUNE: And that’s why you try to hijack Fallen Alien technology. To control society.
DRAKE: Future generations will thank me.
JUNE: No. They’ll curse you for taking away their freedom to be themselves.
DRAKE: People. They need rules. What to do, when to do it, who to be. Otherwise it all becomes chaos.
JUNE: Well, I have a daughter that I don’t want growing up in your world. That’s one of the reasons I’ve stayed on in the Department. To make sure you don’t succeed.
DRAKE: I’ll see you leave before I do.
JUNE: Bring it on.

(June leaves.)

[Tunnels]

(Starkey, Jorjie and K9 have reached the area that Darius stole the Imploder from. A CCPC is patrolling.)

JORJIE: What’s he doing here?
STARKEY: Darius. There’s always more to this than he says.
JORJIE: Why can’t we just drop it here?
K9: Negative. You must return it to where Darius got it from. Maybe they haven’t noticed it’s missing.
JORJIE: But how do we get past them?
K9: Watch and learn. I guarantee that lump of wood couldn’t catch this cutting-edge unit. Whee-hee!

(K9 flies away. The CCPC follows.)

CCPC: Right, you’re on.
K9: Come and get me!

(Starkey and Jorjie start moving the Imploder, but another CCPC walks out and spots them.)

CCPC: Hey, stop. You’re nicked.

(Starkey and Jorjie quickly carry the Imploder back the way they came. The CCPC follows.)

STARKEY: Around here.

(Starkey and Jorjie hide around a corner, Jorjie holding a branch in front of them.)

JORJIE: Come on.

(They go on the move again.)

STARKEY: Watch out.

(Their way is blocked by rubbish.)

JORJIE: Backtrack?
STARKEY: No. There’s can-heads everywhere.

(Starkey puts the Imploder down.)

JORJIE: What are you doing?
STARKEY: Spring cleaning.

(Starkey activates the machines. The Black Hunger devours the rubbish.)

[Department camo]

(A CCPC is on a screen.)

CCPC: (Over communicator) Contact made with suspects you have (unclear).
DRAKE: Describe them.
CCPC: (Over communicator) Two juveniles and a robot dog.
DRAKE: Where!?
CCPC: (Over communicator) NW12.
DRAKE: Hunt them down.
CCPC: (Over communicator) Yes, sir.
DRAKE: It’s time to operate the failsafe.
TECHNICIAN: But there are CCPCs down there, sir. And two juveniles.
DRAKE: Your point being? Initiate countdown now!
TECHNICIAN: Initiated.
COMPUTER: Imploder will self-destruct in T minus five minutes and counting.

[Tunnels]

(K9 finds Starkey and Jorjie.)

STARKEY: K9!
K9: CCPCs have been eluded.
STARKEY: Genius. Let’s go.
K9: Containing the nano-swarm would be advisable, Starkey.

(The Black Hunger is on the walls and ceiling.)

CCPC: (OC) They’re up here!
STARKEY: There’s no time for that now, K9! Let’s go!

[Department camo]

COMPUTER: T minus two minutes and counting.
JUNE: Who gave the order to secure the tunnels?
DRAKE: I have located the Imploder and I need to ensure it is neutralised.
JUNE: Neutralised?
DRAKE: Thought you’d approve.
JUNE: What are you going to do?
DRAKE: A contained neutron explosion will sterilise the area.
JUNE: So, who’s down there with it?
DRAKE: The outlaws that took it, I assume.
COMPUTER: T minus one minute and counting.

[Tunnels]

K9: Starkey, I have something problematic to report. Sensors indicate that the Imploder is about to detonate.
JORJIE: What!?
K9: A neutron explosive device inside has been activated.
STARKEY: Dump it and run.

(Starkey and Jorjie put the Imploder down.)

K9: Time remaining would not permit you to reach the perimeter of the destruction zone.
STARKEY: Can we defuse it?
K9: We can try.
JORJIE: Please!

[Department camo]

JUNE: Do you know how many people are down there?
TECHNICIAN: Uh…
DRAKE: Do we care?
COMPUTER: T minutes thirty seconds and counting.

[Tunnels]

(Starkey is trying to defuse the Imploder.)

STARKEY: It’s not working.
K9: You pressed the green twice.
JORJIE: Concentrate!
STARKEY: I’m doing my best here!
K9: Input again from the beginning.

[Department camo]

JUNE: Abort this now! People will die!
COMPUTER: T minutes fifteen seconds and counting.

[Tunnels]

K9: Detonation imminent.
STARKEY: Piece of junk!

(Starkey hits the Imploder. Jorjie joins in.)

JORJIE: Take that, stupid, stupid…

(The Imploder switches off.)

[Department camo]

COMPUTER: Countdown aborted.

[Tunnels]

JORJIE: That seemed to work.
STARKEY: Low tech but effective.
K9: The Imploder is now inoperable.

[Department camo]

TECHNICIAN: Imploder’s no longer responding.
JUNE: What is the status of this swarm?
TECHNICIAN: Still at large.
JUNE: Where does that tunnel lead?
TECHNICIAN: (Unclear) An outlet into the Thames.

[The laboratory]

GRYFFEN: I estimate that after reaching the Thames, the Earth will be devoid of all life in under a week.
DARIUS: Including me?
GRYFFEN: Including everybody.

[Tunnels]

K9: Extreme caution should be exercised. The swarm is multiplying exponentially.
JORJIE: We’ve got to keep moving.
STARKEY: It’s unstoppable.

(The trio run around a corner. The Black Hunger follows. Their way is blocked by a grate.)

JORJIE: I don’t believe it!
STARKEY: The Thames is just on the other side! K9, you have to blast through!
K9: We must not let the nano-swarm escape.
STARKEY: So, what do we do?
K9: Stand aside, Starkey. This just might work.

(K9 turns around and allows the Black Hunger to cover him.)

STARKEY: K9!

(K9 fires his cannon. Light covers the entire corridor and pulls in the Black Hunger.)

K9: All done.
STARKEY: All done?
JORJIE: Did you just swallow them?
K9: Affirmative.
STARKEY: You swallowed them?

(K9 farts.)

K9: Excuse me.

(Starkey and Jorjie laugh.)

[Department camo]

TECHNICIAN: All swarm activity has ceased.
JUNE: So, what happened?
TECHNICIAN: They’ve been completely neutralised.
JUNE: You almost got us all killed.
DRAKE: Calculated risks must be taken to protect society.
JUNE: And you almost destroyed it! Which I am dutybound to point out in my report. You’ve gone too far this time. I’m going to take you down.

(Later. June faces Lomax’s silhouette behind a screen.)

LOMAX: Report.
JUNE: Operation Black Hunger was closed down because it was too dangerous. And Drake started it up again without clearance.
LOMAX: The situation was resolved.
JUNE: We must be thankful for the intervention of K9, otherwise things would have ended extremely badly.
LOMAX: Inspector Drake has been with the Department for many years now.
JUNE: This is not Drake’s first breach of orders, but it is his most serious to date.
LOMAX: And as I was about to say, effective immediately, Drake is moving on to other duties.
JUNE: Well, that is an ideal situation. Lomax, thank you for hearing me out. So, should I prepare to take over?
LOMAX: I should say “replaced”. You remember Inspector Thorne.

(Thorne appears on a screen.)

THORNE: Inspector Turner. Good to see you again. I’m looking forward to working with you.
JUNE: Thorne.

[The laboratory]

GRYFFEN: K9, reversing your fuel cells was a stroke of genius.
K9: The Imploder is basically an electromagnetic compressor. By overheating my fuel cells and reversing the polarity, I was able to perform the same task.
DARIUS: So, let me get this straight. You have the entire black swarm inside your stomach?
K9: Affirmative.
JORJIE: Sucked them all up like slurping a milkshake.
GRYFFEN: And what have you got to say for yourself, Darius?
DARIUS: Hey, K9. We could go into business together. “K9 the Wonder Cleaner. Just ring Darius for a free quote”.
K9: Don’t push your luck.
DARIUS: We could clean up!

(Starkey, Jorjie and Gryffen groan.)

GRYFFEN: K9, what are you going to do with the swarm?
K9: I intend to evacuate my fuel cells next time I am on Atrios, a planet with no carbon-based lifeforms.
DARIUS: Yeah? Well, just no accidents on the carpet, right?

(Starkey and Jorjie laugh.)

Transcript originally provided by Chrissie. Adapted by TARDIS.guide. The transcripts are for educational and entertainment purposes only. All other copyrights property of their respective holders.