Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#001. The Sirens of Time ~ 4/10

◆ An Introduction

BigFinish have been regularly releasing full-cast audio adventures for twenty-five years, and they recently announced a special edition of their very first release.

Remastered and re-edited from the original recording tapes, this would be a new “director’s cut” of the story; where the first three episodes of the original focused on just one Doctor, the new version intercuts between all of them for a more narratively satisfying experience… or so Briggsy claims.

‘The Sirens of Time – Redux’ will also feature new sound design and music. And there will be brand-new behind the scenes extras, with the three incarnations reminiscing about their first ever BigFinish recording and the twenty-five years of audio productions since.

This could potentially be another desperate BigFinish cash-grab, because lord only knows that’s happened a lot in recent years! You’re an absolute moron if you decided to fork out £66 for the ultra-limited Platinum Edition, which is why I’ve opted for the lowest tier which still includes an actual CD. So while we eagerly wait for this new director’s cut to be released, it seems like a perfect opportunity to discuss the original version of ‘The Sirens of Time’…

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Gallifrey is in a state of crisis, facing destruction at the hands of an overwhelming enemy. And the Doctor is involved in three different incarnations – each caught up in a deadly adventure, scattered across time and space. The web of time is threatened – and someone wants the Doctor dead.

The three incarnations of the Doctor must join together to set time back on the right track – but in doing so, will they unleash a still greater threat?

◆ The Seventh Doctor

This incarnation was royally screwed over in ‘The Sirens of Time’, receiving the most boring material out of everyone. Aside from constructing a forcefield and saving someone from death by quicksand, he did absolutely nothing of consequence.

Christ on a stick, I’d totally forgotten how bad this performance was! Sylvester McCoy practically sleepwalked his way through the entire production: his interactions with Elenya have absolutely no chemistry, and I’m starting to wish he’d fallen into the quicksand with her! This incarnation would unfortunately gain a reputation for being the weakest performer during the early years of the ‘Monthly Range’, though you can understand why.

If the Time Lords are going to interfere in his life again, the least they could do is get a decent phone line!

◆ The Fifth Doctor

The second episode focused on the most morally righteous incarnation, and he was easily given the best material in ‘The Sirens of Time’. Trapped aboard a German U-Boat, and attempting to bluff the captain into thinking he’s working for the Kaiser himself: his efforts don’t work, but it was a good plan.

Peter Davison is perhaps the least discussed incarnation from the old ‘Monthly Range’, despite delivering consistently good performances most of the time. He really hit the ground running in this adventure.

He speaks German, or that would seem to be the case, but he speaks it like an English gentleman. Cpt. Schwieger thinks he looks like King George, expecting to play cricket in the Atlantic Ocean! The Fifth Doctor always thought it was unfair to say the Germans have no sense of humour. His grammar is out of a textbook. Schwieger wonders why an educated young man like him isn’t serving as an officer on a British warship, or leading a valiant charge across the trenches: the Doctor reasons it’s because of his flat feet. Doctor is a profession, not a name, but it’s all he has.

◆ The Sixth Doctor

One of the best incarnations is given virtually nothing to do – though I’m pretty sure at this stage, Gary Russell hadn’t realised what a tremendous cash cow he could make the Sixth Doctor into! Seriously though, why is episode three so vacuous?

Even when presented with an atrocious script, Colin Baker does his best to make things bearable. Ever the Golden Boy of BigFinish, he delivered a great performance here.

He’s more of an interloper than a delegate. If you knew him well enough, you’d know that he is hardly ever mistaken. The Sixth Doctor is far from pleased with himself. When discussing the Kurgon Wonder, he claims to have been in it, through it, and out the other side! When it comes down to it, he’s a bit of a know-it-all really; androids, Cybermen, Daleks, Sontarans, Ice Warriors. You name it, he can quote you chapter and verse.

◆ The Legendary Temperon

This adventure introduces us to a legendary creature known as the Temperon, which was distantly related to the Chronovores. It could travel in time on its own power, its body being composed entirely of temperon particles. Continued exposure to said particles caused rapid entropy, eventually turning living creatures into nothing but dust.

The Knights of Velyshaa attempted to capture the Temperon in order to conduct time travel experiments; however, the creature tried to destroy them – preferring death to enslavement – creating a temporal distortion which froze both the Knights and creature in a single moment of time. This distortion came to be known as the Kurgon Wonder.

One of the Sirens of Time manipulated the Sixth Doctor into freeing this legendary creature, giving the Knights unfettered access to the time vortex, albeit at the cost of their slow and painful deaths.

The Temperon united the three manipulated incarnations of the Doctor on Gallifrey, and later sacrificed its own freedom to contain the Sirens in eternal struggle.

◆ Sound Design

The soundscape feels relatively uninspired; shocking when you remember that ‘The Sirens of Time’ is a multi-Doctor adventure, which are usually full of grand spectacle. Briggsy’s sound design would thankfully improve as he worked on more releases.

Vansell’s TARDIS arrives on Gallifrey, setting off an ear-grating alarm. The cloister bell echoes throughout the Seventh Doctor’s TARDIS, accompanied by an ominous siren song. A crackling transmission can be heard through his console as Vansell tries to warn him of the imminent dangers. Chirruping insects on a jungle world; Seven tramples through the undergrowth, attempting to reach a woman trapped in quicksand. The quicksand squelches as Elenya is pulled from it. Ruthley uses bleeping consoles to communicate with her superiors. A spaceship bursts through the atmosphere, crash-landing nearby. Assassins close in on Sancroff, their gunfire echoing throughout the jungle. Vansell’s voice echoes through a tear in the fabric of reality, attempting to warn the Fifth Doctor about the coming destruction of time. The merchant ship is breached, attacked by a nearby German U-Boat. Whistling winds, as the Fifth Doctor dives into the ocean. A wave of temporal distortion sweeps through the starship Edifice, causing all aboard to scream as they are aged to dust! The Temperon is very clearly just Briggsy slowing his own voice down in post-production. Knights of Velyshaa pursue the three incarnations of the Doctor through the Capitol on Gallifrey.

◆ Conclusion

“All of space and time was yours for the taking, and now all you will know for eternity is subjugation…”

A species that fed on the energies of chaos have manipulated the Doctor on three separate occasions, allowing the infamous Knights of Velyshaa access to time travel… and the means to conquer Gallifrey! Stopping these Sirens of Time hinges on a legendary creature: the Temperon.

Having completed this review, I am now seriously wondering what possessed me to purchase the flaming director’s cut: this was pure unadulterated garbage, and I’m fully convinced it’s only being remade to boost Briggsy’s ego further into the stratosphere!

All three incarnations of the Doctor suffer from pretty middling material, but I genuinely received second-hand embarrassment listening to McCoy struggling with the script: he practically sleepwalked through the whole production, with little-to-no enthusiasm. Thankfully, Davison and Baker actually seemed to be putting in the effort.

It wouldn’t be until the fifth release in this range – ‘The Fearmonger’ – that BigFinish would create something truly exceptional and worthy of splashing the cash. This was an incredibly rough start.