The Diary of River Song

#1.04. The Rulers of the Universe ~ 8/10

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◆ An Introduction

Following a hellish experience with someone masquerading as her husband, River’s quest to stop the SporeShips continues… and she’s got a bone to pick with the Rulers of the Universe!

But Cpt. Trust Fund himself – Bertie Potts – has employed River’s actual husband as their latest agent. Welcome to the conflict, Doctor.

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◆ Publisher’s Summary

As shocking secrets are exposed, and a grand plan for the universe is revealed, River decides it's time she took control of events once and for all.

Out in deep space, a clandestine society faces off with an ancient and powerful alien force – but, for River, there's an added complication.

The Eighth Doctor has been caught in the middle, and she must make sure her future husband can arrive at his own destiny with all his memories – not to mention his lives – intact…

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◆ Prof. River Song

Alex Kingston delivered a fab performance for ‘Rulers of the Universe’.

This is the third time a spaceship has taken revenge on her after she’s shot the driver! River does work well with a deadline – quite literally, since the ship she’s aboard is about to self-destruct. I love that she sneaks aboard the party ship disguised as a robot waitress, just like Spritz did the last time she was there. River eats impossible for breakfast, and has repeatedly went back in time in her robot waitress disguise so she can rig every deck of the party ship with anti-matter explosives – what a legend! She’s many things, but not a heartless assassin… well, not anymore. River informs Bertie that the first mistake the Rulers made was to annoy a psychopath with time on her hands. Their second mistake was involving her husband. She tells the Doctor that he’s always her first concern.

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◆ The Eighth Doctor

Paul McGann delivered an excellent performance in this episode, and once more proves that he works wonderfully with Kingston.

He’s rather attached to his TARDIS. He accepted the Rulers’ invitation for the best reason: curiosity, that’s his weakness. The Time War isn’t his conflict; he simply tidies up the mess where he finds it. River describes this incarnation as being young, naïve, and idealistic – he thought he could run from the war, but that was never going to happen. The Doctor believes that amateurs are the best kind of anything, because they do it for the love. He’s an amateur explorer, electro-physicist, philosopher, footballer, steam engine driver… he even classes himself as an amateur doctor!

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◆ Long-distance Relationship

Most people will have bought this series to hear River meeting the Eighth Doctor… which never actually happens. Our heroine spends her time in a section of the party ship from episode two with Bertie – while it’s crashing, by the way – so she’s just talking to the Doctor via an earpiece.

This is one of the major flaws with this entire range: there are only so many times River can meet the Doctor before she’s meant to and wipe his mind, WITHOUT it becoming boring. The writers are gonna need to get creative with how they explain these adventures, and this explanation just felt a bit naff to me.

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◆ Death and the Rulers

Considering this story is titled ‘The Rulers of the Universe’, the eponymous group are dealt with really rather quickly – aside from Cpt. Trust Fund, who refuses to politely launch himself into the nearest event horizon!

Once the party ship gets blown to kingdom come, the whole adventure just becomes a bog-standard Time War one with the Eighth Doctor… one that just so happens to feature River. It stops feeling like her story, which is a pretty big problem in HER spin-off range!

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◆ Sound Design

Howard Carter gets to showcase his usual cinematic flair in this finale with a dramatic soundscape.

Hydraulic joints, as the robot staff of the Rulers’ party ship make repairs to the manipulation suite. Alarms blare throughout “Mr Song’s” ship, as the self-destruct sequence activates. Tasteless techno music plays aboard the party ship, as the Rulers indulge in canapés and champagne. The organic interior of the SporeShip squelches under the Doctor’s feet. The party ship explodes in the distance, as the Rulers’ plans go up in smoke. The voice of the Sanukuma is a bit too close to the Hoothi, from the adaptation of ‘Love and War’. River and Bertie’s piece of the party ship smacks into a planet with a tremendous crash.

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◆ Conclusion

“The fury of the self-righteous is always so tedious.”

An alien race called the Sanukuma want to take advantage of the Time War to conduct their schemes, because it just so happens that they built the SporeShips.

‘The Rulers of the Universe’ can be described in the same way one would describe this entire first series: a mixed bag. I really enjoyed the stellar performances, the brilliant post-production, but this doesn’t feel like a River Song story. This is an episode of ‘The Eighth Doctor – The Time War’ that just so happens to feature River… and also happens to appear at the end of one of her sets.

I’ve got no issues with our heroine meeting past incarnations of her husband, but at least integrate him into the story in an interesting way. I have got really conflicting feelings on this finale.