Season Two (Series 15); Episode Eight - "The Reality War" by Russell T. Davies

Man, f**k you RTD.

This whole season, I’ve been a little annoyed with myself. I can’t take this show seriously anymore and I know how that sounds to anybody other than me. It’s clearly not meant to be some grand narrative epic, it’s clearly meant for a younger audience, I should just have fun with it. And this whole season, I’ve felt like I’ve been cynical and irksome and a rain on everybody’s parade but I’ve decided no, actually, that’s not how I watch TV and I am going to hold this to the same standard I hold every other piece of Doctor Who material ever released. This show is a joke. It is a blatantly unfunny, smug, patronising joke and I refuse to give it a pass because it’s deliberately like that. I’m not fighting it anymore, I think I’ve just found my least favourite season of Doctor Who.

All of reality stands on a knife’s edge. As the Doctor makes battle with the Ranis, he prepares to face a living legend and the consequences of playing god.

(CONTAINS SPOILERS)

RTD2 is a prank. It is a slight by the showrunners and I refuse to believe this is real TV that a team of people looked at and agreed was anything less than psychological warfare. What the f**k happened to this show? What was once a bastion for intelligent and fun TV has turned into whatever The Reality War is and I just know Russell thinks he’s a goddamn genius for it. I once called RTD2 a soap opera with a budget. It’s flashy, looks incredible but consists of shallow action scenes and emotional beats that have all the depth of reality TV. It’s almost like every complaint anybody ever had about the first RTD era turned into a show. And I’m sick of it.

Like I said before, this looks incredible. Seriously, gorgeous sets, gorgeous effects, gorgeous costuming. Give the art departments a raise, put them in charge of the show, anything but this. Murray Gold, also, has improved since his somewhat dip in quality last season. I was overjoyed when the sound mixing made the score take over the dialogue because then I could just listen to that. This looks and sounds and has all the physical qualities of something incredible, but looks are nothing. Looks don’t make the story, looks don’t make the characters, looks don’t make me like the show.

I have found that there’s no easy way to truly describe how I feel about this era or this episode, but I found the best phrase I can use to describe it is “a parody of itself”. Like I said, this is a joke and I felt embarrassed to be watching it. Let’s break this down to make it a little easier:

Mistake 1: Tone - I don’t know what RTD’s going for here but I hate it. It feels a little edgy to complain about how everybody’s so happy-go-lucky and how it “feels like Disney Channel” but there’s not really a better way to describe it. Everybody is a campy, melodramatic mess and it sucks all the life from the show. These are not real people, I do not care about them. I do not fear for their lives when they’re acting all kooky and doing funny little shenanigans whilst the world’s ending. I am not threatened by villains ripped straight from a pantomime. So, yes, the tone annoys me and I can’t get past it. It all feels like the worst parts of the MCU.

Mistake 2: Characters - Like I said, nobody here is a real person. Everybody having heightened personalities and having every emotional moment be big, melodramatic scenes with loud, sad music and RTD in the corner telling you “this is really sad” makes every single person here feel like cardboard. Nobody grows or changes, nobody deepens or develops. I am relying entirely on chemistry, it’s the only reason I buy into 15 and Ruby’s relationship. By the end, what was Fifteen? Can you pinpoint how he changed from Church on Ruby Road to here? Can you actually tell me what made his character interesting and emotional past quirks? Every character is a function or a joke.

Mistake 3: Plot - What the f**k was this? This might actually be the worst script I’ve ever seen because it shouldn’t even count as a piece of fiction. When I say the show’s a parody, I’m talking about this. This is not a finale, it’s an RTD finale. The Rani is not a villain, she’s an RTD villain. It feels like the bastardisation of better episodes and then they have the f**king gall to end it twenty minutes in. The whole season, everything, twenty minutes. Props to RTD for at least wrapping up most of the plot threads he set up in that amount of time but what in the name of all that is holy was that? One action sequence, a bunch of expositing and then it just ends. I knew it would be bad when the episode opened with a blatant deus ex machina but Jesus Christ. And then after that, it’s just contrived nonsense and sentiment, there is nothing to like at all.

Mistake 4: Villains - The Rani is at her worst here, which is weird, because her last episode was Time and the Rani and I didn’t think you could get worse than that. She spends the first nineteen minutes standing around, with our main characters, and having some menial exposition with them about her plan, all whilst twiddling her moustache and cackling about how evil she is. I am not threatened by her at all, at any moment, and then she just dies. Two seasons of build up to this villain and she dies instantly. Huh? Why should I care? Somebody tell me that, why should I even care about anything that’s happening? And don’t get me started on Omega. Big baby was the best thing about this episode because at least I could laugh at it. That’s not Omega. I’m sorry, it’s not. Russell, if you’re going to do fan wank, at least do it. Anyway, the Doctor kills Omega in five seconds because this episode isn’t real.

Mistake 5: Belinda - Belinda, I can confidently say, is one of my least favourite companions ever. Not only is she bland, not only is she a stock, copy and pasted bit of cardboard with no personality, she is a bait and switch. She was introduced as something fresh, something new; a companion who was going to stand up to the Doctor and her arc is that she becomes less interesting. Actually, no, there is no arc, we’re just told she’s going to be different in The Robot Revolution and then she’s all buddy buddy with the Doctor immediately. I don’t think she counts as a character. Also, changing time so she has a daughter is weird Russell, maybe don’t do that.

Mistake 6: Fanwank - So much of this story hinges on Russell going “look, it’s the thing”. He just brings back old enemies and old characters and throws them at the screen. Thirteen comes back for no reason so she can just run around the TARDIS a bit and go “oh wow Fifteen, you’re so cool, how are you this awesome and so cool?”. Fifteen regenerates into Billie Piper, what? Russell, you have to let go of the past at some point my guy. It’s annoying and feels like keys being jangled in front of my face.

Mistake 7: The Ending - So, the Rani is dead, Omega is dead, what do we have left? Well, how about for contrived plot reasons, the Doctor’s daughter (???) disappears, he’s weirdly cold to his close friend trying to warn him something’s wrong and then immediately decides to kill himself to save the child he doesn’t remember. I like the idea of the Doctor dying, not in battle, not to stop the end of time, but to save one person, but RTD already did that in The End of Time and Moffat did something similar in Time of the Doctor. Anyway, some convenient bollocks happen and Gatwa leaves the show, Billie Piper comes back for some reason, the end. Completely unsatisfying, totally out of the blue, feels like a slap in the face to anybody who’s been wanting, oh I don’t know, a coherent series arc. All it does is rely on sentiment. That’s it, just melodramatic, over the top tugs on the heartstrings, and I’m done.

I’ll be back to this show when it returns, don’t you worry. It’s Doctor Who and at the end of the day, I don’t think I could stop watching it. But I’m not going to stop bitching. This isn’t TV worthy of my time, it’s a smug middle finger directed at the audience and I don’t want to give it the benefit of the doubt anymore. For as much as I hate the Chibnall era, at least it had a modicum of competence. Whatever the show is now, it’s not for me anymore.

1/10

Pros:

+ A technical masterpiece

Cons:

- Truly embarrassing TV

- Is built off shallow, sentimental nothings

- Our entire cast consists of bland do-gooders

- The Rani and especially Omega are some of the least threatening villains ever

- Belinda cements herself as one of my least favourite companions ever

- The plot is a contrived mess

- Patches over bad writing with senseless fan wank

- Feels like a parody of itself

- Absolutely nonsensical in the worst possible way

- Has all the depth of 2D shape