The Monthly Adventures #033½ - "The Maltese Penguin" by Robert Shearman

Ok, so I know this isn't technically a Monthly Adventure, and it fits more into the Sixth Doctor Adventures range rather than this one, but come on. It's a Shearman story I never listened to, with Robert Jezek returning from The Holy Terror as Frobisher, who I really enjoyed last time. And not only that, it was a riff on the film noir, something I had wanted out of Invaders From Mars five audios prior. Everything sounded right up my street, and it was another work from my favourite writer that I just hadn't discovered. So didn't I feel stupid when it turned out to be one of the most disappointing Doctor Who stories I've ever experienced.

Frobisher's the city's newest private eye, and it's not going well. Between the Doctor begging him to come back to the TARDIS and nobody but people with lost cats asking for his help, it seems his investigative endeavours have fallen flat. But when a beautiful woman with a deadly case walks into his office, can he do anything but say yes?

(CONTAINS SPOILERS)

Putting on The Maltese Penguin, I was expecting some big laughs, it seemed like Shearman was going for a full-fledged comedy and I was there for it, being a very vocal lover of his black-as-night humour. I wanted to see the Doctor Who take on the film noir, and I wanted to see Frobisher navigate what was sure to be a clever and twisty story. It was then around the ten minute mark, when we had done nothing but have numerous drawn out conversations in Frobisher's office, I remembered that I didn't like film noirs. This might sound idiotic: "What was I expecting?", but hear me out. I love the idea of a film noir: moody city, tortured detective out of his depth exploring a mystery where nothing is as it seems and everybody has something to hide. Conceptually, it's a gorgeous landscape for a story but then, almost without fail, every story seems to be a derivative mess, retreading the same plot beats and the same characters and becoming clichés in a line with a costume of an actual story draped over it. I was expecting this to be an updated take, with some sci-fi twists and Shearman oddities that changed the formula that was already out of style at the film noir's height of popularity. Instead, it's very much a faithful homage to the film noir, complete with all the genre's many shortcomings. One thing that remains clear is the aforementioned humour, which is nailed here. Not quite as black as I wanted it to be but the witticisms were still as sharp and the situations still as hilariously bizarre in that mundane little way British sci-fi loves to evoke. Plus, we have Robert Jezek back in the lead, who is as good here as he was in The Holy Terror, if not better; I don't know if it was him or Baker that was doing the Doctor-Frobisher, but if it was Jezek then hats off to him, he got all of Six's mannerism right. And opposing our lead is Josiah W. Dogbolter, played wonderfully here by Toby Longworth. Dogbolter, in my opinion, made for a brilliant foil and despite the lacking story he genuinely felt like a threat and was probably my favourite part of the whole thing. This quick to anger and self-important frogman with the universe under his heel makes for a brilliant noir villain.

But, as I said before, The Maltese Penguin is very much a love letter to the film noir, which I am personally not fond of. For one, that classic plot of a surly private eye out of his depth and deceived by all sides is not the best here. It felt like it was going through the motions and the mystery was barely even keeping my attention. And, besides from one reveal at the very end, I pretty much guessed exactly where the plot would go from the start. Plus, we're stuck on an unnamed planet in an unnamed city that we never get to see, no character is given to the setting and we never explore it, nor the things that go on in it. Outside of our cast, it's apparently a ghost town and Dogbolter's operation remains foggy to me - I'm still not entirely sure what he was trying to do (something about stopping people ever creating, it was explain poorly). Not to mention that we were lumped with a series of cartoon characters with some of the most annoying voice acting I have ever heard. Outside of Frobisher, Dogbolter and the Doctor, we have no single cast member I can enjoy, half the voices making me feel like my ear's being cut up with a cheese grater. And chief among them is Ms. Mulholland/Francine; no offence to Jane Goddard but I can't get behind her performances, they always feel oddly cartoonish and besides that, Ms. Mulholland is a play on the femme fatale character from old detective movies, which is an archetype I hate and I hate it just as much here. Every scene she was in was worse because of it.

This audio simply isn't for me. It's a genre I can't stand played faithfully with Shearman's worst script behind it, being a sluggish bore saved by some good laughs and a good lead. Luckily, it's only about an hour long but it's just a shame I took a break from the regular Main Range for this. It's not terrible but it's seriously lacking in plot and character.

6/10

Pros:

+ Shearman's comic leanings really get to shine through

+ Jezek lays on a hilarious and talented performance

+ Dogbolter was a genuinely good antagonist, with some fun ideas behind him

Cons:

- Very annoying cast with Ms. Mulholland chief among them

- The story, however "twisting" it may be, is somewhat predictable and dull

- Set in a world we never get to explore, especially with the lengths of Dogbolter's operation