MR 081: The Kingmaker

 

Fun fact, this story was made directly for me. It's true! If you look at the back of the CD it says "for Slytherin" on the back of it. I will accept this love letter directly from Nev Fountain and accept his proposal of marriage. Move over Nicola Bryant, he's my man now.

 

I couldn't have asked for a better satire of everything I hate about this franchise. Fixed points in time. Refusing to alter history. Killing people to make sure history stays on course as you remember it. It reminds me of when Klein called out the Seventh Doctor in Colditz. You don't have a principled opposition to Nazism. It's all hollow words. You only care about keeping the timeline the same as you remember it. If you came from the timeline where the Nazis won the war, you'd want to preserve that timeline and change it back if it changed to the timeline where they lost.

 

But I'm getting ahead of myself. We start with the Doctor getting a robot appearing in his TARDIS. One which is demanding that he fulfill his authorial obligations. You see, the robot comes from a time where one publishing house has a monopoly on all written works and at one point, as the Third Doctor, he had signed a contract to write some children's books about his life. Of course he sure hasn't finished them. One only wonders how many robots have been sent to George R R Martin.

 

Thus he's going to write his book "Doctor Who Discovers Historical Mysteries." The series was originally called "The Doctor, Who Discovers...." but the publisher made a typo. He's going to investigate Richard III and see what happened to those princes who everyone assumes Richard had executed.

 

Only problem is that he's got himself separated from Peri and Erimem. They're two years in the past. There's a fun sequence where they're passing notes to each other. Peri leaves a note with an innkeeper and then the Doctor writes a note to Peri, making sure to remember to drop it off later (he doesn't remember until he's Christopher Eccleston, naturally).

 

In the meantime, Richard III, on his way to escort his nephew to be the new king after his brother died, encounters a rather strange man claiming to be from the future. He is dressed all in black, has a little pointed beard, and says his name is Mr. Satan who wants to be Richard's advisor. He has his traveling cabinet taken on a cart which reminds me of the First Doctor story Marco Polo.

 

Peri and Erimem are in that time as well and they get hired by the innkeeper. The very inn that Richard's entourage passes through. They see the princes and Peri is determined to save them, but Erimem says they must not interfere with history and have to let them die. It's the opposite of when we last had this discussion in Council of Nicaea. Erimem was the one who cared about what was happening while Peri had bought into the Doctor's propaganda. It's very curious to see Erimem be the one to buy into said Doctor's propaganda this time, considering every time we have this discussion it's always the future for her. Indeed, this is the DISTANT future for Erimem.

 

Peri pulls off a piece of metal and thinks they're robots. They end up getting caught up in the entourage when later they're talking about how the princes must be murdered. A conspirator hears that and agrees, wanting to strike up a rebellion against Richard. The princes dying in his care would hopefully get enough people to turn on him. And so he gets Peri and Erimem into the tower to poison the princes.

 

I love what we do with this next. Erimem argues that this is a "sacrifice." A human sacrifice to keep the gods appeased. The god of time in this case, presumably. It does a very good job of showing just how f**ked up the idea of killing someone to keep the timeline the same as you remember it really is. I see why the writer had Erimem parrot the changing time bad propaganda here, to show it for what it really is: barbaric.

 

Meanwhile the Doctor gets captured by Richard after this rebellion has already failed and has some fantastic conversations with him where Richard calls him the hell out. I'm just going to quote some of my favorite lines and dialogue here because it really does speak for itself. Bare with me here because this really is the heart of this story, so we're going to be here for a hot second:

RICHARD: You see, I know about you, Doctor. I might not know everything, but I now the type of person you are. The kind of preachy, namby-pamby, wishy-washy, holier than thou, lily-livered milksop you are. The kind who doesn’t make hard choices, the person who just waltzes into a King’s life to do research on him.

 

RICHARD: Well, I don’t do jokes. Just ask Bucko over there.

DOCTOR: A bit difficult, as you tortured him and left him to die.

RICHARD: Ah, I take it by your tone you don’t approve. I’m surprised.

DOCTOR: Surprised? That anyone can feel anything for the suffering of others? You call yourself a King? You should be ashamed of yourself. This man is dead due to your neglect.

RICHARD: And that’s a bad thing, is it?

DOCTOR: How can you even ask that?

RICHARD: But that’s my job, isn’t it? To kill him. He betrays me, I kill him. That’s the way the story goes.

DOCTOR: You can’t hide behind fate. You made the original decision, and Time holds you to it. There is such a thing as free will, you know.

RICHARD: Is there? Well, permit me to test a theory. Bucko? Bucko, me boy? Still alive? Wakey, wakey, rise and shine.

(Stafford groans.)

RICHARD: Well, who’d have thought it. He’s still kicking. Well, well. So here’s the thing. I’ve had an attack of conscience. I’ve decided to repent. I'll let him go. That all right? You just have to say the word. Would you like me to let him go? Go on, ask me. Ask me to let him go. Of course you can’t, because that’d be wrong, wouldn’t it? He’s meant to die, isn’t he? You wouldn’t permit me to do anything else, would you?

DOCTOR: I am not the architect of your life.

RICHARD: Oh no, I wouldn’t say architect. More like a god. You see past, present, and future, and make sure we all act according to the rules. In fact, you’re worse than a god. At least a god allows his subjects to repent.

 

I LOVE this conversation SO MUCH. Richard is 100% correct. The Doctor is a hypocrite for calling out Richard for killing this man, but absolutely would not lift a finger to save him. And the Doctor can't pretend like free will exists when he thinks someone is "meant to die" or is "fated to die." This person dies in the history you remember, so saving him would be a bad thing. It's f**ked up. And Richard knows it. You can't sit there and act like it's bad that I kill him when you want me to kill him too. He does this again a little later in the conversation as well.

 

RICHARD: Are these bits of pottery yours? Commemorating the happy coronation of Edward the Fifth, King of England, on this day the 24" of June 1483. Oh, that would have been a good bash. Shame how fate makes things turn out.

DOCTOR: Oh, it’s fate now. Is this another attempt to wriggle out of responsibility for your own actions?

RICHARD: We have exactly the same dilemma, you and me.

DOCTOR: I sincerely doubt that.

RICHARD: Oh yes. Civilization as we know it is hanging in the balance, and we have to sort it out. But sadly, there’s some as get killed along the way. But you can’t stop, you can’t worry about them. Who knows, perhaps their deaths might even be useful in the grand scheme of things.

DOCTOR: That is a ridiculous argument. You can’t equate your own petty political ambitions with events which threaten the nature of existence.

RICHARD: That’s exactly what I’m doing.

 

The Doctor is hypocritical as hell here to say that Richard is trying to use fate to wriggle out of responsibility for his own actions... BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE DOES. It's not me, it's fate. These people are meant to die. This is a fixed point in time. I can't do anything to change it. I can't save these people's lives. We saw this in Medicinal Purposes where the Doctor killed a kid. And we saw this in Scaredy Cat where the Doctor committed genocide to keep history the way he remembered it. It's not my fault. It's fate. I am destined to cause this because that's what history says happened. And continuing with that theme:

 

RICHARD: For the moment we have two kids in the Tower, still alive. They shouldn’t be there by rights. If I am what my reputation says I am, i.e. a conniving black-hearted villain, I want them dead. And if you are what your reputation says you are, i.e. an heroic protector of the Web of Time, you want them dead too. Stop me if I’m going too fast.

DOCTOR: No, it’s all very clear.

RICHARD: You wrote, PS don’t try to find out who killed the Princes on your own. These are dangerous times. Do you really want to know who killed them? I'll let you into a little secret. You do. You kill ‘em.

DOCTOR: I think I know where this is leading.

RICHARD: Good. I like a quick learner. I’m making it your choice. I’m allowing you to do the right thing. I’m letting you win.

TYRELL: You sent for me, Sire?

RICHARD: Ah, Mister Tyrell. Glad you could join us.

DOCTOR: Wish I could say the same.

(Door closes.)

RICHARD: Oh hush. Now, Sir James, I’ve granted the Doctor leave to be our King for the day.

TYRELL: Our what?

DOCTOR: Your what?

RICHARD: He’s going to order you to execute our two young friends in the Tower.

TYRELL: Our two... what?

RICHARD: Yes, them.

TYRELL: Right. What?

RICHARD: If he doesn’t order you to execute them, then his silence will be your order to let them go.

TYRELL: To let them...?

RICHARD: Go. Yes. Did you get that?

RICHARD: Just do as the Doctor asks. He is Lord God Almighty and his word is law. All right? So, Doctor, the ball’s in your court.

DOCTOR: I can’t change anything.

RICHARD: Yes, you can.

RICHARD: Then your choice is simple, isn’t it?

DOCTOR: I will not be party to this.

RICHARD: Hedge and bluster, Doctor, you are party to this. Come on, time’s running out. Literally. There it goes. Tick tock, tick tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

RICHARD: Last chance, Doctor. He can’t be squeamish here. It’s for the greater good.

RICHARD: He can’t afford to be weak. He can’t have a picture in your head of those two poor defenseless brothers crying out for mercy.

 

This is so good. When your whole changing time propaganda is reduced to what it really is. Murder. Are you willing to commit murder for the sake of keeping the timeline the way you remember it? Really? I love that line. Don't think about the poor defenseless boys crying out for mercy as they're cut down because they're "fated to die" and thus you're making the right decision to kill them. It's especially effective considering the ending of Medicinal Purposes where the Doctor does indeed kill a kid to keep the timeline the way he remembers. Indeed, this story, this exact scene could be a direct response to that one.

 

During this conversation, as well, Richard reveals that he's been visited by time travelers all his life ever since he was a kid. Time tourists who want to see the notorious villain and have strong opinions on whether or not he should kill his nephews. It's a premise I've often thought about for a comedy skit. Hitler going about his day while assassins show up from the future to kill him, only they keep failing in humorous ways. The story uses it for humor and also takes it seriously, as good satire does. Richard has been told his history so often that he finds it all meaningless. He's been testing the Doctor here. The Doctor is continuously trying to take his hands off and pretend like he's not responsible. That he's above it all. But really and truly, if he really believes what he does about not changing history then he shouldn't have any problem getting his hands dirty to make it happen. Indeed, believing that history shouldn't ever be changed necessarily requires you to be on board with a lot of evil, you can't really be a good person, as a time traveler, and believe that. And Richard is perfectly fine with watching the Doctor fidget in discomfort at that confliction.

 

Unfortunately, the story takes the cop out way out of this. The Doctor doesn't need to order the death of the princes, because it's not really them. You see, Richard actually loved his brother and his brother's kids and didn't want to kill them. Nor did he ever really want power. It turned out that the princes were really girls the whole time, the previous king not wanting to stop the family lineage. So Richard declared them bastards and took power for himself, so that he didn't have to reveal that they were really girls the whole time and that the king was deceiving everyone.

 

The princesses were taken in by their other relative who was hiding out as an innkeeper this whole time. The two princes in the tower were Peri and Erimem who had been disguised as them. The metal part Peri pulled off at the beginning was a cod piece to make it look like they were boys.

 

I do have to mention, real quick, how Erimem suggests that she and Peri kill themselves to preserve the timeline. They're not supposed to be the princesses and they're interfering in time just by being here, which they can't take back. So if they kill themselves they are no longer changing the timeline as time travelers. I LOVE this so much as well. This is a natural conclusion to the changing time bad argument. You just shouldn't travel through time at all if you believe that, because just by existing in a place you are changing history. Nevermind interacting with it. Erimem is a great vessel in this story to talk about how bad that line of argumentation really is.

 

It's a bit of a cop out because it wraps this all up nice and neatly without the Doctor having to get his hands dirty. He even mentions the CIA slogan, "the story changes, but the ending stays the same." We then find out the ultimate reveal in the last episode here. Mr. Satan was actually William Shakespeare. Richard was just kind of stringing him along because he was well used to time travelers by now. Shakespeare ended up hitching a ride in the TARDIS. He wanted to convince Richard to actually kill the princes himself so that his play about Richard killing the princes wouldn't be seen as propaganda for the royal family.

 

The Doctor takes Shakespeare back to his time where Richard sees the play where he's the villain and depicted badly. And we're treated to a fun romp of Shakespeare being chased around by an angry Richard. And then finally Shakespeare and Richard switch places. Shakespeare dies in battle and Richard writes the rest of Shakespeare's plays. The end.

 

It's a very humorous story throughout with some real meat in the middle there. The humor is very well written and very well performed. Richard III is very deadpan in his delivery, which works very well. The Fifth Doctor's sarcasm is pretty well used here. He's usually quite boring, of course, but this story works very well for him and only really for him. As the Doctor most obsessed with not changing history and the most passive of the Doctors, being chained up to a wall and called out for that bs by Richard III himself works quite well. It wouldn't work as well with any other Doctor, I don't think. Those are the best stories with this Doctor, those where his passivity is key to the story working well.

 

One of the most interesting things here, to me, is that Richard III is played by someone with a northern English accent, the same accent as Christopher Eccleston. That feels extremely intentional. As if the future Doctor is calling out his past self for these bad beliefs. I love it.

 

I love this story. I love the comedy. I love the use of the Fifth Doctor here. Rare Fifth Doctor W. I love the sharp wit. I love the satire of the concepts of changing time bad and fixed points in time. I love all of it. This is easily one of the best, if not the best, of the MR so far for me. I'm giving it six out of a possible five slop buckets, and I whole heartly recommend it for everyone to listen to. Even if you don't like the Fifth Doctor. And it should be required listening for every writer the moment they even THINK about inserting the phrase "web of time" into their story.