Bernice Summerfield

#3.01. The Greatest Shop in the Galaxy ~ 10/10

◆ An Introduction

I’d forgotten how small these series were, but we’re already onto the third wave of adventures with everyone’s favourite drunken archaeologist. Series One consisted of some pretty brilliant novel adaptations, whilst the second series saw the writers doing original audio adventures for Benny… the majority of which were sadly pretty bland and vacuous.

It’s a new dawn for the ‘Bernice Summerfield’ range though – some brilliant post-production, acting and stories… and Paul Ebbs may have just created the best adventure so far.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Benny is not digging up the car park of the Gigamarket for nothing. Oh no. There's no way on Sirius One Bee that you could conclude that she was there for any other reason than to investigate the famed Latrines of Baladroon.

Shoes? She was there to buy shoes? Get outta town! Get off the planet bub! And don't come back until you've washed out your brain with new-biological-Cortexscour.

Monsters? Nah! Don't be silly! The Borvali are on their side on the force wall – they could never break through it. And anyway, what would a cross between a ten-foot Pepperami and a cockeyed autopsy want with the Greatest Shop in the Galaxy? I mean, come on, what would they want to buy?

And Time Anomalies? You need the science fiction section on the four hundred and twelfth floor of the book department if you want Time Anomalies, mate. Tch!

Everything here is under control. Honest.

◆ Prof. Bernice Summerfield

Lisa Bowerman’s performance in ‘The Greatest Shop in the Galaxy’ is easily one of her best.

Benny claims she’s going to be busy, busy, busy on Baladroon – she says it will be a unique opportunity and a wonderful dig… when she’s actually going to buy herself some stuff for baby Peter, and nab a new pair of shoes! She’s left Adrian with the baby, and stolen his credit card, and she’s far from amused when she realises the card’s balance has been frozen. Benny has a bit of experience in time travel herself. If there is one thing she has learnt in the years of her life, it’s that there is no such thing as a coincidence, and when there is… it’s time to run and duck for cover! She scorns a soldier for using violence by punching him, but it turns out that he’s into that kind of thing (Dear Christ, you sure do end up with the worst blokes, Benny). By the end of this story, she’s completely had enough… and starts battering a temporal bomb with a flaming shoe! I think I’m more shocked that said plan actually stopped the bomb.

◆ Story Recap

Prof. Summerfield is heading to the planet Baladroon for what she believes is an exciting dig, which could reveal some very rare artefacts for the Collection. Brax is convinced she’s got an ulterior motive though… since the dig is happening in the car park of the Gigamarket – also known as “the Greatest Shop in the Galaxy!”

It sells everything you can possibly want; everything from six whole floors of stationery, to a literal canyon filled with shoes (including ones which are infused with LSD)! Of course Benny is using the dig to swan around one of the largest retail outlets known to mankind, even if she’d never admit that to her illustrious employer.

Things soon start going very wrong though, as the Gigamarket is affected by time disturbances that bring a hostile force from the other side of Baladroon into the shop… and then the Borvali begin their massacre. There’s a dangerous secret in the Gigamarket, and a horrifying deal that has been made between its execs and the Borvali, and Benny is about to uncover it.

◆ The Frozen Aisles

Speaking as someone who absolutely despises shopping, mainly because I do it for a job, something like Gigamarket would be my own personal hell, though I can admit that it’s still a really cool concept!

When I’m visualising this giant shopping outlet, I’m just picturing an infinite IKEA that also happens to stock frozen food, toiletries, and a ton of alcohol… actually, I’m shocked Benny didn’t spend most of her time here purchasing as much vodka as possible (I’d probably be clearing the shelves of Disaronno and Malibu)! Of course, this being a story set in the Whoniverse, there is a seedy underbelly to the Gigamarket… and that revolves around their hidden levels that are exclusively used by the Borvali.

This bestial species made a deal which meant they would stop attacking humanity, but only if Gigamarket could supply them with human bodies for food. In other words, Gigamarket has turned the Borvali from savage man-eating monsters, into savage man-eating customers (the frozen aisles are literally just a larder for them)!

◆ Clean-up on Aisle 3!

‘The Greatest Shop in the Galaxy’ reminded me of two other audio adventures: the deal between the Gigamarket and the Borvali reminds me of how the Khellian turned Phoenix colony into their own human farm during ‘Three’s a Crowd’ (except that this story is actually enjoyable, and doesn’t feature Peri bullying people with agoraphobia).

It also puts me in mind a little bit of ‘Zero Hour’, from the Torchwood side of BigFinish. Just like Gigamarket, Delivarables had a pretty horrifying secret at its heart too. That being said, I think being turned into sand is probably less horrifying a prospect than being put on meat hooks and sold to Borvali families for Sunday dinner!

◆ Management & Sentient Ping-Pong Balls

I’d like to give some praise to the characters in this episode, all of which are marvellously written and performed. Keelor is a slimy executive working for Gigamarket, and one of the people responsible for the shop’s vile deal with the Borvali… and he keeps trying to feel up Benny (yuck!). The whole of my first listen, I was convinced I recognised his voice, and it turns out that Keelor is played by David Benson (who us ‘Iris Wildthyme’ fans will know as Panda).

There’s also Joseph the Porter: an artificial intelligence that was given to Benny by Irving, and appears to be based off of the drone used by the People in ‘Walking to Babylon’. Steven Wickham does a great job playing our spherical drone, even if Joseph does spend most of this episode going slightly doo-lally!

◆ Sound Design

It appears that Steve Johnson hasn’t done that much for BigFinish, but was primarily a cover artist, with ‘The Greatest Shop in the Galaxy’ being the only time he contributed to the post-production side of things. That’s a huge shame, because he does an excellent job here. The audio landscape in this story is so well put-together, and really helps you to visualise the seemingly never-ending Gigamarket.

Clanking metal, as robots unload Benny’s shuttle craft. There’s a tsunami of spit coming out of Joggon’s mouth every time he speaks. Joseph the droid starts glitching out and shouting “boing!” randomly throughout the episode. Gigamarket is noisy and filled to the brim with shoppers looking for whatever they might desire; everything from archaeology books, to shoes and stationary. The shoes get effected by temporal anomalies and start turning back into cows… a mooing shoe, that’s certainly new. The Gigamarket is filled with screaming punters, as the Borvali emerge and being ripping them to shreds! Swinging meat hooks hanging boil in the bag humans from the ceiling, all for the Borvali. Time distortions spiralling out of the temporal bomb. Joggon pleasures himself to death as the Gigamarket stocks begin plummeting.

◆ Music

The music is marvellous in ‘The Greatest Shop in the Galaxy’, and feels like it’s been sampled from any supermarket radio that refuses to play actual music. It’s repetitive and a bit twee, but works very well. The action scenes are also peppered with a remixed version of the theme tune, which works amazingly.

◆ Conclusion

“All I wanted was a pair of bloody shoes, and I’d be happy!”

This is Paul Ebbs first contribution to the world of ‘Bernice Summerfield’, and it’s honestly my favourite story in the range so far… even if the title is based on one of my least favourite Seventh Doctor stories.

I genuinely don’t think I’ve laughed this much in a long time. ‘The Greatest Shop in the Galaxy’ is definitely what I’d call a bleak comedy, with the humour coming from the setting and the way some of the characters were written. It’s also got a very dark twist that really comes as quite the shock to the system. Extremely well written, and what a marvellous job you’ve done Mr Ebbs.