Season 1 (Series 14); Episode One --- "Space Babies" by Russell T. Davies

It is an inevitable fact that eventually, Doctor Who will cover every genre. It's a show that can fit into any medium, with any tone and it can slot into any category. So, to sell a nation to the real, proper introduction of the new, weekly released series, RTD and the folks over at the BBC/Disney decided that the genre they'd be doing first would be... talking babies. A genre consisting of critically acclaimed works such as Look Who's Talking and Baby Geniuses. What did this choice result in? One of the most thoroughly confusing pieces of garbage I have seen in my life.

Taking Ruby for her first trip aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor lands the ship in an abandoned baby farm - a huge space station dedicated to breeding human children. But something's gone wrong, all but the babies have left, the ship is falling apart, and a Bogeyman roams the lower levels.

(CONTAINS SPOILERS)

So I guess Doctor Who's a kids show now. Ok, before that gets misconstrued, Doctor Who has always been kid friendly, in fact, I encourage it (at least for TV). The easiest way to induct people into the cult is to get them young, after all. The problem here is Space Babies is straight up for kids, with multiple "hilarious" jokes about various bodily fluids and the Disney budget being drained into animating infant actors' mouths. If I have to give this episode anything, it would be the budget mentioned last sentence. The episode looks glorious: brilliant exterior shots, immaculate sets and a masterful design for a monster of the week. Throw in some great directing and it's safe to say that the episode's beautiful. In addition, the chemistry between Gatwa and Gibson is incredible and the two bounce off each other like they've been working on the show together for years. However, even that comes with a negative.

The Doctor does not feel like the Doctor, still, even after this was already a complaint in my review for the Church on Ruby Road. This is no dig at Gatwa, he's infectiously fun in the role and he nails the lines and directions he's given but the characterisation for 15 just does not feel like the millennia old time immortal that the Doctor is; even the walking, talking piece of carboard that was the 13th Doctor felt closer to the character than him. Now, to address the elephant in the room, every time the babies were on screen, I wanted to die. I don't know if it was Russell or some executive who first pitched this episode but I now have a burning want to hunt them down. They're annoying, they're intrusive, they don't feel like they belong in the show and it feels like an element directly targeting actual toddlers, which makes no sense, since Doctor Who's prime demographic are people who've been watching since the Moffatt or original RTD era; plus, the next episode's about the Beatles, so actually who is the show for anymore? Besides that, the episodes just idiotic. It's full of countless plot holes too minor and too many to properly list here? Why does this computer created to care for small children actively create a creature that makes them fear for their lives? Why does the frequency specifically designed to inflict fear into people just stop working once the plot wraps up? Why is the Doctor so shocked he got scared? He gets scared all the time, he got scared two episodes ago, he gets scared in the next episode, why is this a thing?

Space Babies is a mess: an insulting, moronic, tiresome mess that I only wanted to end. It doesn't know it's own fanbase, it isn't clever, or well written or emotionally impactful. It forsakes good writing for fart jokes. It is, quite probably, the worst first impression this show has ever given and it was actively painful to sit through.

3/10

Pros:

+ The Doctor and Ruby have an incredible dynamic that is ridiculously fun to watch

+ Looks gorgeous, with great direction and a budget put (mostly) to good use

+ Great creature design on the Bogeyman

+ Immaculate set design

Cons:

- The choice to have the episode be about intelligent babies is a choice I actively despise

- Annoying, childish and embarrassing writing that consistently fails at humour

- 15 truly does not feel like the Doctor, featuring almost none of the character's consistent traits and never showing his age

- Utterly riddled with plot holes in a script that feels like an early draft

- Paced horrifically, never giving the audience any chance to breath and just throwing them directly into the deep end

- Completely misses its target demographic