The Sins of Cpt. John

#1.03. Peach Blossom Heights ~ 10/10

‘The Sins of Cpt. John’ features adult content and themes which may not be suitable for all audiences. Reader discretion advised.

◆ An Introduction

Very rarely do I find myself needing to add disclaimers to the beginning of my reviews, but I thought it would be a good idea for this range… especially since it’s more raunchy than a Carry On marathon!

People will tell you that the best stories feature detailed character arcs and witty language. They’re sometimes correct, but on other occasions you really just want something that’s dumb fun.

‘Peach Blossom Heights’ definitely falls into the latter category.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Captains John and Jack find themselves stranded on a world that may be actual paradise – the weather is pleasant, the people are friendly, and the giant stuffed animals only come out at night. There's only one thing the world is missing. No-one has ever explained to any of the population about the birds and the bees. Which is unfortunate.

◆ Cpt. John Hart

James Marsters easily delivered his best performance in ‘Peach Blossom Heights’.

His name isn’t technically Captain John Hart in this adventure, because he hasn’t picked that alias yet, but continuity is boring! In the last week, he has had it away with Charles II’s mistress, fought his way through an army of zombies and broken into a giant wooden space prison, so he hasn’t really missed his partner much. John has a nice side… granted, it’s smaller than his sociopathic moral vacuum side, but it’s there! Alone in a desert, his mind instantly wanders to having his wicked way with Harkness, in the desolate forty degree dry heat – do you see why I put that disclaimer at the beginning of the review now? John is absolutely terrified of theme park mascots, ever since his parents took him to Bunkie World; the most significant traumatic experience of his childhood! Upon discovering that Caitlin and Trevor have never heard of email, he’s convinced that they’ve crash landed in the 1970s. He’s also convinced that beneath their niceness and catalogue model good looks, Caitlin and Trevor must be hiding satanist tendencies… but is quick to change his mind when he realises you don’t have to work in this society, and can basically just stay in paradise drinking endless bottles of wine!

◆ Cpt. Jack Harkness

John Barrowman plays a prominent role in ‘Peach Blossom Heights’ and delivers one of his best performances.

Jack is clearly bitter about being stuck with his old partner; he had to deal with a bunch of angry tribes people the last time they met, after John stole their sacred icon and promptly buggered off! According to his old dating profile, he was always dying of thirst. Jack never thought he’d feel awkward around people talking about sex.

◆ Keys in the Fruit Bowl

You have this utopian society where nobody works and money doesn’t exist, and it all resembles this white-picket fence “American Dream” fantasy. As with any utopia though, there is a seedy underbelly – residents of the Heights picked to live on the luxurious coast are bundled into vans by creepy robots dressed up like reject characters from Five Nights at Freddy’s, and then sent to a factory to be pulped and then processed as food!

With that in mind, you might expect this to be a really dark adventure, but the residents of the Heights have also never heard of sex. Jack and John can’t keep it in their pants, and the residents find out… and they all end up turning into swingers by dinner time! It’s absolute madness, but I love it.

◆ Amalgamation

Originality is something writers should strive for, but sometimes you just need to take the best bits from various other scripts and chuck them all in a blender. ‘Peach Blossom Heights’ has two distinct storylines, and they’ve both been used before by BigFinish.

The way that the residents discover sex reminds me a lot of how the Ashtallan people discovered the concept of death in ‘The Invention of Death’ – I bet you didn’t expect a story with Captain John Hart to be compared to a David Bradley outing! As for the way the residents are basically euthanised when they go to the coast, that felt very reminiscent of ‘The Middle’.

David Llewellyn has cherry picked from several different plots and created something truly amazing!

◆ Sound Design

Harvey’s soundscape is quite beautiful here. He really manages to sell the middle class suburban paradise that John and Jack find themselves in.

Jack’s ship hurtles towards the desert planet before crashing into the sands below; smoke hisses from the engines, while the electrics spark out of control. Alarms begin ringing as a blaze consumes the ship… and its ion drive detonates, sending debris flying through the air. Howling winds sweep across the desert. Water flows through the suburban paradise that is Peach Blossom Heights. A grating tannoy sounds out across the Heights, with the voice of Mother Janet talking to her people. A crackling fire, as the two Captains enjoy wine with their two new friends. Endless birds tweet throughout the day, as residents go about keeping their homes spick and span. The sound of John crash landing in the pool… after being caught by Caitlin and Trevor engaging in BDSM! Erotic moaning is drowned out by John, because that many people complained about the filth in his first audio appearance (and he’s quick to break the fourth wall in order to tell us this). Caitlin and Trevor are smashed into a pulp on the conveyor belt taking them to “the coast”.

◆ Conclusion

“It’s like some sort of sex-pocalypse!”

Welcome to the delightful suburban paradise of Peach Blossom Heights. Enjoy manicured lawns, a seemingly endless supply of Pinot Grigio… and swinger parties right across the neighbourhood!

I’m always slightly suspicious of stories that have such a high rating, but David Llewellyn has struck gold with ‘Peach Blossom Heights’. Painfully few people have reviewed this set, but I really hope I’ve convinced a few people to do so. Now excuse me, I’m off to “the coast” so I can be reincarnated as a blueberry and cinnamon muffin!