Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#146. Heroes of Sontar ~ 0/10

◆ An Introduction

BigFinish tend to go down the “Steven Moffat” route when it comes to the great militaristic spuds, turning them into a comedic joke and pretty much ruining most of their adventures. Even the legendary John Dorney is guilty of doing this, because he managed to ruin what could have been a great psychological horror story by making “The Spud Light-year Brigade” into incompetent idiots (but I’ve already reviewed ‘Terror of the Sontarans’, so you’re welcome to read my thoughts on that massive missed opportunity).

There is one adventure that somehow manages to hit the bottom of the barrel and keep on going when it comes to the Sontarans, and I was shocked to see it had a somewhat decent score on TARDIS Guide (and a couple of defenders in the BigFinish Facebook group).

You’ve probably all seen my rating for this abhorrent excuse of a BigFinish play, so shall we cut to the chase and utterly rip into ‘Heroes of Sontar’?

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Planet Samur was once a peaceful haven. Pilgrims journeyed across the seven galaxies to meditate in the courtyards of the vast Citadel that spanned its equator. It was Samur’s misfortune, however, to find itself situated on the furthermost frontier in the eternal war between the amoeboid Rutan Host and the belligerent, troll-like Sontarans…

Twenty years after detonating a bacteriological weapon over Samur, rendering it uninhabitable, the Sontarans are back: a select platoon of seven has landed here on a secret mission, carrying sealed orders given to them by Fleet Marshal Stabb.

The TARDIS has landed here, too, bringing the Doctor, Tegan, Turlough and Nyssa into the second great Battle of Samur. Fighting not only the Sontarans but mystical mercenaries… and a deadly, decades-old curse.

◆ The Fifth Doctor

Peter Davison was brilliantly dynamic and captivating in the last adventure with this TARDIS team, so what in the name of Christ happened here? He sounds bored out of his mind in ‘Heroes of Sontar’.

The Doctor claims to have plenty of backbone (in this incarnation? Really?)

◆ Tegan Jovanka

‘Heroes of Sontar’ features the worst showing yet from Janet Fielding, and it really saddens me to say that (given we’ve just had three really solid performances in a row from her).

Tegan is over the moon at the thought of being able to wear shoes.

◆ Vislor Turlough

Of all the regulars in ‘Heroes of Sontar’, Mark Strickson probably delivers the best performance. That isn’t really saying much when everyone else is phoning it in though, is it?

Turlough spends the majority of the adventure bullying a cowardly Sontaran.

◆ “Older” Nyssa

Was Sarah Sutton actually in ‘Heroes of Sontar’? She managed to make absolutely zero impact on me in this adventure.

Nyssa gets infected with some toxic mould whilst on Samur.

◆ Alan Barnes Decimates the Sontaran’s Reputation

I’d normally kick off this section of the review by diving a bit deeper into the story, but why should I put more effort into ‘Heroes of Sontar’ than its own writer did? All you need to know is that this is meant to be a pastiche of Dad’s Army, which makes me all the more angry at how it turned out.

Said show is one of the great British classic comedy shows, which is why episodes are constantly getting reruns on Dave. I absolutely adore watching it whenever I get the chance, with Lance Corporal Jones (Clive Dunn) being the absolute highlight; this fastidious worrier who is constantly panicking like a headless chicken.

The key difference between Dad’s Army and this script is that the characters in the former all had really fun and vibrant personalities. Sontarans are a clone race, so personality is already pretty non-existent, but I could barely remember a single thing that made this battalion of spuds stand out from those that have come before and after them. Well, except that they were really badly acted – as much as people give Dan Starkey a lot of flack because of Strax, he actually does a marvellous job portraying the Sontarans on the whole… and his absence here is really felt.

I’m honestly so sick of the Sontarans being treat like second-rate villains by all corners of the franchise nowadays, with only a few exceptions that I’ll list below:

- ‘The Sontarans’ by Simon Guerrier

- ‘The King of Sontar’ by John Dorney

- ‘The First Sontarans’ by Andrew Smith

- ‘The Eternal Battle’ by Cavan Scott and Mark Wright

These four scripts have proven to me that BigFinish do have what it takes to do something good with the Sontarans. I politely ask that they stop writing stories for them, unless they make a conscious effort to give these villains the respect that they deserve. The Sontarans are meant to be the greatest warlords in the galaxy, not extras from a shoddy SNL skit!

◆ Sound Design

I actually think I’ve developed the ability to taste sound-waves, because I’m getting a really overpowering flavour of mediocrity from Robertson’s sound design here. I genuinely don’t have anything else to say, except that I’m so happy this review is nearly at an end!

Chanting, marching Sontarans at their military academy. A Sontaran spaceship comes crashing down onto the surface of Samur. The breathy voices of the Witch Guards.

◆ Music

Jamie Robertson is also handling the score for ‘Heroes of Sontar’. This is your bog-standard military fan-fare music, filled with bombast and bravado, and not much else.

I’m sure some of my regular readers will be expecting me to make some sort of reference to the music of Command and Conquer, but I’m not going to insult a franchise I respect so dearly. Robertson’s score does remind me of another RTS game I played when I was younger called Act of War: Direct Action. Much like the music in this adventure, it was bland, boring, utterly predictable, and a complete waste of my time.

◆ Conclusion

“I shall have to Sontaran up!”

‘Heroes of Sontar’ isn’t an audio adventure, it’s congealed failure. It’s a jug of liquidised horse manure that has been left to marinade inside a greenhouse, during a heatwave, in the middle of the Sahara Desert.

BigFinish have always had an issue with the Sontarans, tending to go down the “Steven Moffat” route and making them comedic, but this represents the cherry sitting proudly atop a mouldy and rotting cake.

It’s very rare for me to have literally nothing positive to say about a release, but it’s times like this I wish TARDIS Guide had the option to rate a story a zero-out-of-ten. Don’t bother wasting your money on this release… unless you’ve got an orbital sander at home to destroy the CD once you realise how dreadful it is.