Virgin New Adventures: Cat’s Cradle Trilogy

#007. Witch Mark ~ 5/10

◆ An Introduction

If I were to make a list of things that I found incredibly interesting, then The Lord of the Rings would be very far down that list. The series would most likely be on par with the history of industrial strip mining, and the reasons why the Byker Wall ventilation system is infested with cockroaches!

I asked my good friend, Rachael, why she liked Tolkien’s work so much. Her answer was “chill cool fantasy world with funky creatures”. Doctor Who has dabbled with the genre on occasion, but this would be the first time the franchise fully embraced the fantasy realm. Without further ado, let’s discuss one of the weakest rated novels in this range, written by a completely apathetic author.

◆ Publisher’s Summary

"Spare no sympathy for those creatures. They were witches, they deserved to die."

A coach crashes on the M40. All the passengers are killed. The bodies carry no identification; they are wearing similar new clothes. And each has a suitcase full of banknotes.

A country vet delivers a foal. The mare has a deep wound in her forehead. In the straw, the vet finds a tapered horn.

In the darkening and doomed world known to its inhabitants as Tír na n-Óg, the besieged humans defend the walls of their citadel Dinorben against mythical beasts and demons.

The TARDIS's link with the Eye of Harmony is becoming ever more tenuous and is in urgent need of repair. But the time machine takes the Doctor and Ace to a village in rural Wales, and a gateway to another world.

◆ The Seventh Doctor

The ‘New Adventures’ had been gradually turning the Seventh Doctor into this cosmic chess-master; someone who was always several steps ahead of his enemies and pulling strings behind the scenes. That characterisation was taken to the extreme in the previous novel, with Cartmel making the character detached and downright manipulative at times. Andrew Hunt clearly wasn’t informed of this, because the Doctor appears to have reverted to how he was in Season 24. The characterisation isn’t dreadful in ‘Witch Mark’, just rather outdated.

The Doctor was over seven hundred years old and at the moment looked like he was bearing every moment of those years upon his shoulders. This was not to be expected, for he belonged to a race who had the ability to regenerate their physical bodies when they became too damaged. And besides, he had a stronger constitution than many small countries. The Doctor could no more reveal his fear than a warlock could reveal his true name. That knowledge could give others a power over him – if they knew how to use it. He couldn’t risk anyone having that power. Once before he had done so – never again. The Doctor was interested in everything. Follow every clue, climb every mountain, ford every stream. He claims to be a man of passion and extremes.

◆ Ace

‘Witch Mark’ features some excellent characterisation for Ace… is what I would be saying if this novel took place during her first season. She comes across as being rather rude and immature. Ace was in command of a squadron of Kurdish mercenaries in the last book. After she accidentally humiliated one of them, they had a brutal scuffle that resulted in the merc having his brains melted by a laser beam! Andrew Hunt’s characterisation isn’t dreadful, just rather outdated.

Ace decided it would be a brilliant idea to rifle through some stranger’s record collection, and blare rock music through the speakers at two in the morning!

◆ Story Recap

Llanfer Ceiriog is a miniscule village nestled away in the Welsh countryside, the sort of place you would expect to see pictured on a quaint little post-card from the local post office. Everybody knows everybody, and you can always count on good hospitality and a pint at the local pub. With the Tardis still recovering from being turned literally inside out by the Process, the Doctor decides to call in on some old friends living in the village for some rest and relaxation… and that plan lasts about all of five minutes!

A coach has crashed on the M40, with all the passengers being pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital. All bar one of the bodies carried no identification; they were all wearing similar new clothes, and each were in possession of a suitcase containing around fifty-thousand pounds! A local vet recently helped to deliver a foal, only to discover that it was a baby unicorn. Meanwhile, a creature resembling a werewolf has been preying on the livestock around Llanfer Ceiriog.

These fantastical events can all be traced back to a stone circle situated just outside the village. The land is owned by Emrys Hughes, a shotgun-toting nutter who just so happens to be the brother of the now deceased coach driver.

The Doctor and Ace begin their investigation, which leads them through the teleporter hidden in the stone circle, and into a world that looks like something straight out of Narnia! Tír na n-Óg stands on the brink of collapse – one of their two suns is dying, with the remaining sun not being sufficient enough to keep the planet warm. If that wasn’t enough to worry about, a swarm of literal demons is wreaking havoc upon the planet’s inhabitants. It once again falls upon the Doctor and Ace to put things right, even if that does mean somehow reigniting a sun!

◆ Half-Baked Ideas

You certainly cannot accuse ‘Witch Mark’ of being unambitious, but that is part of the problem. There are so many ideas hanging around like winnets in this novel that either feel incredibly half-baked or simply don’t get resolved.

Inspector Graham Stevens is the only member of Scotland Yard’s Paranormal Investigations team, who wanders into the sleepy Welsh village after finding a link between reports of a baby unicorn and an insular new community in London, whose inhabitants seemed to have appeared from nowhere. What could have been an incredible character gets lost in the jumble of ideas that make up this adventure, all vying for the reader’s attention like a particularly yappy dog.

There’s also a plot involving two American backpackers that get caught up in the evacuation of Tír na n-Óg, one of whom actually ends up being possessed by a demon. Another plot which feels really under baked.

Andrew Hunt is perhaps the most apathetic writer for this range, having only submitted a story idea for a laugh with one of his university mates, but I am hesitant to blame the unfocused plotting on him alone. Did Darvill-Evans or one of the other editors working at Virgin Publishing not pick up on any of this? Or were they all on some sort of extended tea break when the final draft of the novel arrived on their desks? The competing ideas all have a great deal of potential, but Hunt really needed to just pick a few of them and give them his full attention.

◆ Narnia Meets The Vietnam War

Enough negativity for now, as I would like to talk about something that ‘Witch Mark’ does really well, and that is world-building.

Tír na n-Óg was a planet located on the edge of the galaxy. The planet was created by a university student who wanted to see the sociological effects of making a world where human beings coexisted with mythological creatures – which is a brilliant idea on its own. But the university has now stopped pouring money into this little project, meaning that the student can no longer afford to keep one of the suns heated. The apocalypse has come to Tír na n-Óg, all thanks to lack of funding!

Nigel Robinson did something similar only four books ago, but his laboratory grown civilisation consisted primarily of supermodels, and that’s quite boring. Andrew Hunt made sure to create some incredibly interesting inhabitants for Tír na n-Óg;

- The Sidhe, who resembled hobbits.

- The Firbolg, who were basically centaurs.

- The troll-like Fomoir.

And let’s not forget the telepathic unicorns who have a special relationship with time! The Ceffyl are honestly an incredible amount of fun throughout this novel, and I would absolutely love to see them return one day (though considering the author of this novel has long-since left the creative sector, that will likely never happen).

◆ Conclusion

“Spare no sympathy for those creatures. They were witches, they deserved to die.”

If I were to describe this book in one word then it would be unfocused. A multitude of ideas are all vying for the spotlight, which means not one of them feels fleshed out. They all end up feeling extremely underdeveloped. There are also some issues with how the Doctor and Ace are written here, both of them having seemingly reverted back to how they were in ‘Dragonfire’. As I stated earlier in the review; the characterisation isn’t dreadful, just rather outdated.

‘Witch Mark’ is one of the most poorly rated stories in this range, which is completely understandable. Andrew Hunt penned this novel for a laugh with one of his mates from university, never intending to make a career out of creative writing. You could easily describe him as the most apathetic writer the franchise has ever seen, and I wouldn’t disagree with you.

This book is by no means awful – it features some absolutely stunning world-building, and the scene where Hugh and Janet are killed is incredibly well written – but by no means is it some overlooked classic either.