Doctor Who – The Monthly Adventures

#039. Bang-Bang-a-Boom! ~ 1/10

◆ An Introduction

Comedy is such a difficult thing to get right in any context, but it’s something that Doctor Who writers really seem to struggle with. Not everyone can have the witty hilarity of Nev Fountain, or the absurdity of Paul Magrs, but most writers seem to crash and burn whenever they try to do an outright comedy.

The team of Hickman and Roberts impressed me a great deal with ‘The One Doctor’; a really funny parody of Doctor Who itself that featured the legendary Christopher Biggins as an intergalactic con-artist. I was understandably looking forward to hearing their second comedic parody.

You’ve probably already seen my score for this release, so please don’t get your hopes up: it’s easily the second worst McCoy adventure!

◆ Publisher’s Summary

Dark Space 8 – an advanced monitoring station floating serenely among the stars. Its crew – a dedicated and highly-skilled group of professionals, calmly going about their vital work. Its mission – to boldly host the Intergalactic Song Contest.

With representatives from myriad worlds competing, the eyes of the universe are on the station. But dark deeds are afoot aboard Dark Space 8... and people are starting to die.

The haughty Queen Angvia, the gaseous gestalt Gholos, disposable pop idol Nicky Neumann, erratic Professor Fassbinder and the icily-efficient Dr Helena Harcourt – all are suspects. Could old political rivalries be manifesting themselves among the contestants? Is this the work of a breakaway terrorist faction? Or has someone just got it in for singer-songwriters?

With peace in the galaxy hanging by a thread, it's vital that the mystery is solved – and fast! Can Dark Space 8's unconventional new commander, with the help of his personal pilot, Mel, find the murderer in time to prevent a major intergalactic war?

Or will it be nul points for the entire universe...?

◆ The Seventh Doctor

Whilst certain incarnations can make even a bad script bearable with a great performance (such as Colin Baker) there are some who genuinely seem to just give up when they are handed the script equivalent of a horse manure sandwich. Sylvester McCoy delivers one of his absolute worst performances in ‘Bang-Bang-a-Boom!’, and it really saddens me to say that.

The Doctor didn’t have a plan and was just making things up as he went. Getting involved is his stock and trade. The scenes of him and Angvia “loving it up” genuinely make me want to scoop out my eardrums with a dessert spoon!

◆ Mel Bush

‘Bang-Bang-a-Boom!’ features Bonnie Langford really trying to add some personality and charm to this adventure, but the writing has really done her dirty; practically blasting all of her character’s personality away with an orbital sander!

Mel claims that it takes more than a stroppy alien to shake her up.

◆ Story Recap

The Gholos and Angvian Empires have been at war for centuries, and every peace treaty that has been formed between them has eventually broken down. But the two factions have finally decided to try and put their differences aside, and two peace conferences have been set up.

The one held on Achilles 4 was the obvious target for extremists, but was in actuality just a diversion.

The true peace conference is taking place telepathically on Dark Space 8, with the two ambassadors acting as participants in the 309th intergalactic song contest. Unfortunately, it seems that there is a murderer aboard Dark Space 8, killing people using what appear to be Angvian methods.

If the Doctor and Mel don’t stop the killings, the prospect of peace between these two empires could be completely wiped off the table.

◆ I Hate the Eurovision Song Contest

My description of the story for ‘Bang-Bang-a-Boom!’ honestly makes it sound far more interesting than it actually is. Much like the previous Hickman and Roberts script, this is an adventure that pretty much falls under the category of a parody. It’s basically Eurovision in space with a hint of Star Trek added in for good measure… and it’s diabolical!

I have actually tried writing this review several times – the first time was directly after I published my review of ‘The Fires of Vulcan’, which should tell you just how much trouble this release has given me – so I apologise if this entire review comes off as a pessimistic and bitter rant, but I need you to understand quite how much I absolutely despise this waste of a double CD.

◆ Masterclass in Atrocious Acting

I love that the artwork for ‘Bang-Bang-a-Boom!’ proudly shows off its apparently star-studded cast, and pretty much all of them deliver dreadful performances and play characters who are either bland or utterly insufferable.

I’m aware that Patricia Quinn was in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, but I will always remember her for the drama that went down between her and Aiden Zhane, after the latter’s portrayal of her during Season 12 of Drag Race (it was genuinely quite abysmal)! She is playing Queen Angvia like some sort of drunken stereotype of a Viking dame, and I really do mean drunken. Quinn honestly sounds like she decided to neck Smirnoff like it’s tap water a couple of minutes before stepping into the recording booth.

Graeme Garden is legendary amongst us BigFinish fans for his portrayal of the Meddling Monk, so it honestly saddens me that his performance in this story is so flat and boring.

Sabina Franklyn could easily take the award for worst performer of the story, because she has absolutely no range, delivering every line with the same lack of enthusiasm (probably doesn’t help that the character she’s been given is lacking a personality).

Humour is obviously subjective, but I genuinely don’t think I laughed once at this story, and I’m genuinely shocked it’s written by the guys behind ‘The One Doctor’. How do you go from doing some really witty and intelligent comedy to… whatever this mess was meant to be? I remember wetting myself with laughter at the Jelloid singing away to itself and the infinite game show with Mentos, even the Shelves of Infinity – you cannot deny the quality of the writing in Hickman and Roberts previous parody adventure. There is just no charm to this script at all, and it turns what is meant to be a comedy into a depressing slog of a story.

◆ Sound Design

Oh look at that, it’s a generic space station! Hooray! I hate this story so much! Gareth Jenkins didn’t put any effort into his soundscape, so why should I when describing it?

The red alert alarm is accidentally triggered by Dr Harcourt (which will happen at various points throughout the adventure). Bleeping consoles in the command deck of Dark Space 8. The static filled transmissions of Dark Space 8 traffic control. A bomb completely destroys the new commander’s shuttle, narrowly avoiding killing the Doctor and Mel. The electronic zapping of the Gholos gestalt. The Doctor plays his spoons during the Intergalactic Song Contest.

◆ Music

The score for ‘Bang-Bang-a-Boom!’ is being handled by Andy Hardwick and Gareth Jenkins. I wrote absolutely nothing in my notes for the music in this story, which should tell you just how bland it was. I vaguely remember it being this melodramatic, atmospheric Star Trek-esque piece.

◆ Conclusion

“If we don’t stop him, it’s Bang-Bang-a-Boom!”

Dreadful to the point of nausea, ‘Bang-Bang-a-Boom!’ made me want to surgically remove my ears like the parrot man who appeared on the Jeremy Kyle show!

I’ve actually tried writing this review several times and given up half way through because this story genuinely makes me so angry… God, I hate the fact you can’t swear on this site, because I genuinely think this review would be more accurate if I just spammed the f-word several hundred times. There is literally only one other Seventh Doctor story I consider to be worse than this, and given what a pain in the backside this review was… I’m likely going to need to be black-out drunk to review ‘The Dark Husband’, if I want to retain my sanity.

Seriously, just avoid this one. It’s a complete waste of your time and money to hear some of the worst writing imaginable, to hear McCoy deliver one his worst ever performances, and to endure a cast that sound like they were all drinking neat Absinthe in the recording studio! Oh good God, I’m so happy I never have to listen to this absolute pile of horse manure ever again!